


Trial by Fire

by sekinsey68



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-25
Updated: 2006-02-25
Packaged: 2019-05-30 23:14:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 40
Words: 262,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15106784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekinsey68/pseuds/sekinsey68
Summary: Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.





	1. Trial by Fire

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

**Chapter 1**

"You know, I’ve been giving what you said some thought,” Donna said as she walked into Josh’s office Monday evening. 

Josh didn’t look up from the report he was reading. “Well, as much as I applaud you for listening to me for a change, I have no idea which part of the 700 things I told you today you’re referring to.” 

“Jury duty,” Donna answered. 

Now he did look up at her. “Donna, I thought we already settled this,” he said, getting a little irritated again. “Do it or don’t do it, but stop bugging me about it.” 

She looked at him for a moment. From the way he’d been snippy with her earlier and now, she knew that something was bothering him. So as usual she was going to make it her job to make him ‘unsnippy.’ Plus, what she had planned would serve the dual purpose of letting her have a little fun. If she had to have to suffer through jury duty, she was at least going to get a little snarking material out of it. “I know, that’s what I was thinking about. I think you were absolutely right. I was wrong to try and talk you into helping me get out of jury duty.” 

“Seriously Donna, I’ve got better....wait, what? Did you just say I was right and you were wrong?” he asked in disbelief. 

“Way to catch up with the rest of the class, Josh,” she replied with a smirk. This was turning out to be more fun than she thought it would be. 

He blinked at her. “Why, exactly, were you wrong? I mean, I know you were, but I’d like to hear why you think you were.” 

“Well, maybe ‘wrong’ is overstating it a bit. It’s more like I just changed my mind.” 

“You changed your mind?” he said with a frown. “Just like that?” 

“Yes, Josh. Just like that. I’m a woman, I’m allowed to do that. It’s in the Sisterhood handbook.” 

“In the Sisterhood...what?” he asked in confusion. 

“Look, all I’m trying to say is that I don't want you to get me out of jury duty. I want to go. Actually, I've never had jury duty before. I like to learn new things. Besides, it's my civic right and privilege, you know, kind of like voting," she said innocently, knowing that would get a response. A lot of times when Josh was in a mood about something, the best way to get him out of that mood was to get him stirred up about something else that would bother him less. 

He looked incredulous, "Wait?! You're equating jury duty with the most sacred right ever granted to a citizen of this country?" 

"Yes," she said with a smile. Gee, jury duty didn't even start until tomorrow and it was already fun. Anything that would help her bring the snark with Josh was okay in her book. Trying not to be too dramatic about it, she sighed. “Plus, there’s also the fact that it will give me some time out of the office, which will be nice for a change. Although if I get on a case, I could be occupied for like, two weeks. If that happens I think you’ll have to get a temp.” Something else she knew that would get a rise out of him. 

“I am NOT getting a temp,” he insisted heatedly. On second thought, maybe trying to get her out of jury duty was a good idea after all. Knowing her, she would get picked for a jury. “You still have to come back after court every day and I want to you call me whenever you have a break, just in case I have any questions.” 

“Sure, Josh, of course I will,” she said soothingly. “But someone will still need to help keep your schedule while I’m out. You know how hopeless you are with getting anywhere on time by yourself.” 

“That’s not true,” he argued with a little grin. “You just like to control me.” 

“One person’s control is another persons good organization, Josh” she said with a benign smile. “I also realized that maybe having jury duty was a sign.” 

“A sign?” he replied, completely baffled. 

“Yeah, like an omen. Maybe I’ll meet some great guy while I’m there.” She was just plain teasing him now. “I mean I am kind of seeing someone right now but we’re not exclusive or anything. Who knows, I could meet someone great and while we’re spending all that time in court together we could get to know each other better. It could be like one long date.” With the way Josh always liked to sabotage her dates, she figured that would be something else that would get a rise out of him. 

Damn. He hadn’t thought about that. Her meeting someone would be bad news. He wouldn’t be able to use his considerable power to discourage her dates like he normally did. Something had to be done. Maybe making a pre-emptive strike was the answer to discouraging her. “Knowing you, you’ll fall for the murderer, drug dealer, white collar embezzler, REPUBLICAN gomer defendant.” Okay, so that might have been the wrong thing to say. 

She looked at him for a minute, hurt flooding through her. So much for making him feel better. It was bad enough that she had to live with Josh’s...well, whatever he called it, with Amy, but for him to once again throw her less than stellar dating history in her face was just plain mean and hateful. And she assumed the ‘Republican’ comment was a dig about Cliff. She’d thought they were past what had happened with the diary but apparently he was still bound and determined to not let her forget that he hadn’t forgiven her for it. As hard as it was to hold back the angry, hurt tears she was feeling, she refused to let him see her cry. 

“You have your meeting with Leo in 10 minutes,” she told him, her tone now frosty and all business. “It’s almost 8 so I’m going to take off for the night. Since I’ll be at the courthouse tomorrow, I’ve got some things to take care of.” Like making a voodoo doll of Josh and sticking it with large pins. 

“What things?” he asked. 

“Personal things, Josh. You may be my boss but you don’t get to know everything about me,” she replied coldly. With that, she turned and stalked out of his office. 

Josh ran his hand over his face. Well, he was two for two. First he’d acted like a complete jerk with Amy. He was still trying to figure out how to make it up to her for getting mad and not taking her to Tahiti. And now he’d managed to be mean to Donna when he had a feeling she’d just been trying to tease him out of his bad mood. 

‘Why is it when Donna and I talk about personal things, I seem to step on one landmine after another?’ he wondered. When they worked, they functioned like a well-oiled machine, but anything personal and they were a train wreck. He knew his comment about her falling for another Republican gomer had sounded like a remark about Cliff but that’s not how he’d meant it. She probably thought he blamed her for the diary thing but that wasn’t true. He’d never blamed her for that. He had to find a way to fix this latest screw-up with her. 

Getting up, he walked to his open office door and watched her collecting her things. “Donna?” 

“Yes?” she said, not turning around to look at him as she pulled the keys out of her purse. There was no way she was going to let him see the tears that were trailing down her cheeks. 

“If you don’t get picked for a case tomorrow, why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” he said as a peace offering. “That way you’ll have time to get the rest of those personal things done.” He paused. “I’ll just call you if I need anything.” 

“Fine, thanks. I’ll leave my cell on,” she said, somehow managing to keep her back to him and her voice level, even as the tears continued. “Good night,” she said as she turned and walked quickly out of the bullpen. 

She knew he was trying to make up for what he’d said, and she loved the idea of taking the afternoon off tomorrow, but she refused to forget the hurtful things that had fallen so easily from his mouth. She had to hang on to them. When she remembered what an asshole he could be to her and he was her boss and ensorcelled with Amy, it made the fact that she was in love with him that much easier to deal with. 

********** 

Ramon Martinez paced the confines of his cell. ‘There has to be a way,’ he thought. There had to be a way to get permanently out of this cell and out of the federal death sentence he was facing. Money wasn’t a problem. He had plenty of that stashed away where he could get to it if need be and even the stupid Feds wouldn’t be able to find it. 

The problem was he’d had his men bribe all the people there’d been to bribe and yet here he was, still rotting in the hole. Oh, with Freddie’s help he’d still been able to run his empire from inside the cement walls, but the food was lousy and the surroundings were less than aesthetically pleasing. He’d become accustomed to the finer things in life and he wanted those things back. And if he had to wear these dime-store blue jeans and this Wal-Mart denim shirt with his prisoner number stitched onto it for much longer he was going to blow a blood vessel. 

Sitting down on the narrow bunk, he continued to turn the problem over in his mind. He was a smart guy, he could think his way out of this. He hadn’t developed a huge drug empire without being smarter, quicker and often, meaner, than the other guys who’d wanted to take it from him. Not to mention a whole lot brighter than the Feds and the cops. 

He looked around the drab cell, hoping to find a source of inspiration. For some reason his eyes paused on the small metal toilet and sink in the corner. In the joint you had to clean your own bathroom. No cleaning lady came around and....wait. Wait just a damn minute, he thought. That was it. Shit! Why hadn’t he thought of that before? It was perfect. It was brilliant. And the best part, it was so very simple. 

Quickly, the plan began to come together in his mind. He would need to call Freddie and have him come down for a visit, right away. The guard he was paying off would be able to get him some phone time during his exercise period. There would be a couple of logistics that he would need Freddie’s help with. They had to do it face to face though. There was no way he was going to take the chance that they were taping his outgoing phone calls. Even talking in the visitor’s room would be taking a chance, but his life had been built on risk. 

They had to hurry though, his sentencing would be in a couple days and after that he’d be going to the federal penitentiary. There would only be two times when an escape attempt would be viable. Once when he was taken from his cell to the court room and then again when he was brought back after his sentencing. 

He was sure this would work. It had to. There was no way he was going back to the joint again. He’d worked too long and hard to build his empire to miss enjoying it by being on the wrong end of a lethal injection. Once he got out of this hole, he’d relocate his operation to some place south of the border. A place where the sun was warm, the women were friendly, and the officials could be paid to look the other way. 

********** 

“Well, this is predictable,” Donna thought as she sat in the chair for juror #7. Of course she’d been picked for a jury. It was the way her luck was running these days. And she’d come SO close to dodging the bullet. 

She’d arrived early for jury duty and signed in as she was instructed. As she’d sat in the comfortable jury lounge, she’d listened attentively to the juror orientation. Then she’d spent the morning reading the trashy paperback book she’d brought along and enjoying her coffee at a leisurely pace. Two things she hadn’t found much time for since they’d gotten into the White House three years earlier. As other groups of jurors had been called to a courtroom, she’d sat there and just absorbed the peace and quiet. To her, it had been like a mini vacation. When lunch time had come they’d let the remaining jury pool have an hour lunch break but asked them to come back afterward because a couple of more trials could still potentially need jurors. 

So she’d grabbed a sandwich and gone out to sit in the sun. Since it was late February it hadn’t been very warm out, but there was no snow on the ground and the sun had felt wonderful on her face. She’d considered not calling Josh to check-in. She’d still been angry with him over their conversation the night before, but in the end, the fact that he was her boss had won out. So after she finished eating, she’d pulled out her cell phone and checked in with him. The conversation had been short and fairly painless. He’d needed a file and she’d told him where it was. He’d asked her how things were going. She’d told him she hadn’t left the jury lounge yet and was hopeful she’d avoid getting chosen. In what she was sure was a parting olive branch on his part, he’d told her to enjoy the afternoon off and he’d call her if he needed anything else. 

After the lunch break, she hadn’t been back in the jury lounge 15 minutes when she’d been sent, along with 24 other people, to a courtroom. But even then she’d still been hopeful. She hadn’t been among the first group of fourteen, twelve main jurors and two alternates, that had been called to be seated in the jury box. But after the first round of questioning by both the attorneys, her luck had run out. She’d been called to replace juror #7, who’d been excused by the plaintiff’s attorney. 

As part of questioning the jury, the judge had laid out the basics of the case. It was a civil case that was anticipated to last a week or two. A man had brought the case against his former employer, the District of Columbia Public Schools’ Division of Transportation. He’d been fired and he was alleging that his employment was terminated in violation of, among other things, his First Amendment rights. The case was to determine if any of his claims had merit and if so, what punitive damages might be appropriate. 

So there she sat, listening to opening statements and trying to not be annoyed that her afternoon off was all but ruined. 

And trying not to think about the fact that Josh was going to be less than thrilled when he found out she’d failed to get out of jury duty. 

********** 

“I still can’t believe you couldn’t get out of jury duty,” Josh said as he draped a string of lights across the room. It was Wednesday and the evening after Donna’s second day in court. “I mean, you’re a smart woman. You couldn’t think of some way to get one of the attorneys to excuse you?” 

‘I’m apparently not that smart,’ she thought dejectedly as she dug through a box of tropical decorations. ‘From where I’m standing it looks more like I’m stupid and pathetic.’ She’d let him talk her into coming over to help him decorate his apartment so he could make-up with Amy. Talk about not being able to believe something. She couldn’t believe she was here. When exactly had she come up with her brilliant plan to misdirect him away from her by pushing him at other women? What alcohol-induced, psychotic episode had she been in the midst of when she’d thought that up? Well, she’d made her proverbial bed and now she had to lie in it...by herself. 

She pulled out some colorful paper lanterns. “Well, Josh, I guess I botched another one,” she said, the words picking up speed as they tumbled from her mouth. “At this point there are only two ways I’m getting off the jury. The first is to talk about the case with someone, which I imagine would make the judge hold me in contempt. The second is to, you know, throw myself down a flight of stairs and hope I break a bone or something. Although, for what I hope are obvious reasons, I’d just as soon keep the second one as more of a last resort.” She climbed onto a small step ladder and attached the first of the lanterns. “Now as much as I know you want to snark me about it, could we drop it, please?” 

Josh paused as he was getting ready to connect the lights to the plug strip he’d set up. She sounded tired and annoyed. “Donna? Is everything okay?” 

Her back was to him and she closed her eyes for a minute. ‘Get a hold of yourself, Donna,’ she thought. “Yes, Josh, everything’s fine,” she said, trying to even out her tone as she climbed down from the ladder. “I’d just like to finish what we’re doing so I can get home at a semi-reasonable hour tonight. I thought it might be a good idea if I get a good night’s sleep so I don’t nod off in the middle of someone’s testimony tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” he replied, not really believing her but not wanting to push it. “Well, I think everything’s pretty much done.” He looked around his apartment. Amy was going to love it. “I just need to put up one more string of lights.” 

“I’m going to go set up the drinks and then I’ll take off,” she said. 

“All right, I got everything on the list you gave me,” he told her. “The supplies are all on the kitchen counter.” 

With a nod she turned and went into the kitchen. Pulling the drink recipes she’d downloaded from the internet out of her purse, she began organizing everything on the small table in the center of the kitchen: all the alcohol, including four different kinds of rum; fruit and condiments; the blender; glasses in a range of colors and some even shaped to look like coconuts; little paper umbrellas; toothpicks and swizzle sticks. 

Reaching for the hut-shaped ice bucket, she carried it to the fridge and started loading it up with ice cubes. 

For some reason an old Jimmy Buffet song, ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk,’ kept drifting through her head. The chorus, ‘Why don’t we get drunk and screw,’ seemed to be especially determined to lodge itself in her brain. She had to resist the urge to laugh...or maybe it was cry. Getting drunk sounded pretty good right about then. So did the screwing part. She took a breath. Although she’d tried to get a rise out of Josh by telling him she was kind of seeing someone, the truth was, after her disastrous fling with Cliff, her love life, sex life, whatever, had returned to its non-existent state. She got so lonely sometimes and this thing Josh had for Amy was only making it worse. 

Was it so wrong for her to want someone to share her life...her bed? Someone to make love to her? Okay, so at that point she’d settle for someone to screw her brains out on a regular basis. Maybe after she left Josh’s apartment she’d go find a bar and some willing, random guy. Yeah, because she wanted to be THAT woman. Oh, who was she kidding? The only guy she wanted screwing her brains out that night or any night was in the other room busily decorating his living room in preparation for seducing the woman he was currently ensorcelled with. ‘Well,’ she thought. ‘At least one of us will be getting what we want tonight.’ 

“Okay, Josh,” she said as she walked out into the living room. “I set up everything on the kitchen table and I left copies of the drink recipes you wanted there too. I assume you didn’t want to try and make the drinks from your less than perfect memory.” 

“Hey, I can remember things when it’s important,” he said plugging in the last string of lights. 

“Well, that’s debatable,” she teased as she slipped into her coat. “I’m going to take off.” 

“Kay, thanks for your help. Oh, hey, can you do me just one more favor? Can you call Amy and talk her into coming over here?” At her questioning look he explained. “I’d call her myself but after our conversation the other day, she’d probably just hang up on me.” 

‘Why do I suddenly feel like a pimp who’s getting him a girl?’ Donna wondered. She was too tired and too discouraged to attempt to argue or even think up a passably snappy come back. All she wanted was to get out of this apartment. “Fine. I’ll call her on the way home.” 

“Be sure you don’t tell her I’ve got all this planned,” he said with an excited grin. “I want it to be a surprise.” 

“Yeah, I figured. I’ll take care of it,” she said as she started for the door. 

Josh frowned at her tone. It sounded almost....defeated. “You gonna be okay to get home?” 

She paused at his front door but didn’t look back at him. “Yeah, don’t worry about me, Josh, I’m always okay.” 

********** 

Donna flipped the phone closed and dropped it into her purse. Well, that hadn’t been too hard. All she’d had to do was tell Amy that Josh had something important to talk to her about and Amy’s curiosity had taken over. Apparently, because the request had come from Donna, Amy seemed to be under the impression that it was somehow work related and Donna hadn’t been inclined to correct her. The faster Amy got over to Josh’s, the faster Donna could forget this night had ever happened. 

Donna closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the seat of the cab. She really had to get over this thing with Josh. It was starting to hurt just a little too much and it definitely wasn’t healthy. She’d realized she loved him after he’d almost died at Rosslyn and it had been reinforced during the three months she’d taken care of him during his recovery. However, it had never really occurred to her to tell him. There had just never been a good time. 

After Rosslyn, he’d needed to focus his energy on physically getting better and then after his PTSD surfaced he’d needed to focus his energy on mentally getting better. Then there’s been the fallout with the President’s MS announcement. Through it all, Josh had needed a friend and someone to support him unconditionally and that’s what she’d been to him. 

The other reason she’d never considered telling him was because she’d figured out long ago that he would never see her as anything more than an assistant and a friend. Which, she supposed, was for the best anyway. The White House Deputy COS dating his young, blonde, assistant who didn’t even have a college degree wouldn’t play well in the press. 

The cab stopped in front of her apartment. Her mind continued to turn over the situation with Josh as she paid the cab driver and trudged upstairs to her apartment. 

The problem was that she had tried to get rid of her feelings for Josh, but fate and her own heart had conspired to thwart that goal. In the beginning she’d tried dating anyone who would go out with her, hoping beyond hope that she’d find someone to distract her from the feelings she had for him. Of course, Josh had short circuited that with the way he’d make her cut her dates short and come back to the office or when he’d come up with some reason she had to cancel the date altogether and stay in the office all evening. So Donna had taken things one step farther and tried to smother her feelings for Josh by dating and then sleeping with Cliff. What a spectacular failure that had been. 

Unlocking the door to her apartment, she stepped inside and dumped her things on the small kitchen table. Her roommate was out of town that week so everything was blessedly calm and quiet. She’d had her fill of people for the day and just wanted a few moments of peace. Well, actually what she really wanted was to get stinking drunk and forget this day...no, this week, but somehow she didn’t think that would be exactly conducive to being in court and functional tomorrow. So she settled for the next best thing - the little ritual that she saved for the really bad days when alcohol or at least enough alcohol to get drunk wasn’t an option. 

Kicking off her heels, she padded to the kitchen in her stocking feet. Throwing open both doors, she reached into the freezer and the fridge and got out what she needed. A Drumstick sundae ice cream cone, whipped cream and a jar of maraschino cherries. She spread everything out on the counter so they’d be within easy reach. Peeling the wrapper off the ice cream cone, her mouth watered at the site of the chocolate and the nuts. ‘One thing at a time,’ she reminded herself. Picking up the can, she sprayed a golf ball sized mound of whipped cream on top of the cone, then topped it with a cherry. With a sigh, she wrapped her lips around the creamy mound and drew it into her mouth. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the cool, sweet taste of it. 

Eating it this way was kind of weird, which is why she’d never let anyone see her do it, but she loved the taste of whipped cream and cherries and having it on the ice cream cone was kind of like taking the first bite of a sundae. In the past, she’d tried putting chopped nuts on it too but it that was kind of messy so she’d just stuck to the whipped cream and cherry. Besides, after she finished her session with the whipped cream and cherries, she’d get to the nutty, chocolate coating on the cone. 

After she finished chewing the cherry and swallowed it, she sprayed another mound on top of the cone and added another cherry. She repeated the process until the thin layer of chocolate on the top of the cone had begun to melt. Deciding she’d had enough of the whipped cream and cherries, she took the first bite of the top of ice cream and laid it down on the wrapper so she could put everything else away. She’d actually been feeling better until she started to put the jar of cherries away and she remembered the cherries she’d put out with all the drink supplies at Josh’s apartment. 

By now Josh and Amy were probably smearing cherries and pineapple and God knew what else all over each other and having wake-up-the-neighbors sex. 

“Okay, this is not helping,” she muttered. It was time she stopped having a royal pity party and it was DEFINITELY time to stop thinking about her boss and what he might or might not be doing right then with his would-be girlfriend. 

Picking up her ice cream cone she headed for the bathroom and a hot bath that would hopefully help her steam away her crappy day. 

********** 

Thursday night about 11:45, Freddie Garcia was busy pouring over the courthouse blueprints in preparation for the operation tomorrow and there was a loud knock on the study door. “Come!” he called. 

Two of his lieutenants, Max and Paco, entered. Between them they dragged a young Hispanic woman. She was beautiful and petite, but she was also cowering and clearly terrified. Her name was Maria Sandoval and she would have rather been anywhere on Earth than in that room with those three men. If the two lieutenants hadn’t had a firm grip on each of her arms, she probably would have tried to make a run for it. 

Freddie continued to study the plans for a few more minutes until he was done and ready to acknowledge them. The two men knew better than to speak until he did. 

When he finally looked up, he focused his gaze on Maria and walked slowly toward her. “Well, chica? Did you do as you were instructed?” His voice was flat and snake-mean. He was a man used to having people jump to attention and give him exactly what he wanted when he spoke. 

“Sí. I did what they tell me,” she told him timidly in shaky English. 

“You put everything exactly where we told you?” Freddie demanded. 

“Sí. Last night I put extra bullets behind books in courtroom they say,” she explained quickly, hoping they would let her go once she told them she’d done what they’d instructed. “Tonight, I put guns in bottom of trash in bathrooms.” 

“Those are the same trash receptacles that we made keys for?” he asked. 

“Sí,” she said with an earnest nod. 

“And you were sure to wear gloves both nights so you didn’t leave behind any fingerprints?” 

“Sí,” she repeated. 

Freddie’s face relaxed into a predatory smile. “Good, Maria. Very good. Thank you for helping us. You’ve done well.” 

Maria didn’t comment on the fact that they hadn’t given her any choice. 

As if he’d picked the thought out of her mind, he suddenly backhanded her, hard. So hard it split her lip and she would have fallen to the floor if Max and Paco hadn’t been holding her so firmly between them. Whimpering, tears poured down her cheeks. The pain in her face was enormous and she tasted blood. With the two men gripping her arms so tightly she couldn’t even put her hand to her mouth. 

“I’m sorry I had to do that,” Freddie told her with mock sympathy. “But I am a firm believer in demonstrations. And that was just a taste of what will happen to you if you haven’t done exactly as you were told or if you even breathe the same air as the Feds or the cops. Believe me when I say that it’s also what will happen to your family.” 

Maria’s eyes widened in surprise. 

He easily read her expression. “Yes, Maria. I know all about them and their nice little hacienda in Tecate,” he said, naming the city in Mexico where her family lived. “You’ve been sending them money ever since you came here and your little sister is growing up to be quite a beauty. But I assure you, if you’ve done anything to screw this up or you tell anyone what we asked you to do, there won’t be enough left of your body or theirs for anyone to identify and I’ll see to it that my men have some fun with you and your sister before they kill you.” He grinned now and it made her blood run cold. “Oh, and I suggest you don’t try to call and tell them to move. I’ve got someone watching their house.” 

Freddie walked back over to the desk. Opening a drawer, he reached in and took out a fat envelope. “Now, I know that our partnership didn’t develop under the best of conditions,” he said as he walked back over to her. “But I want you to know that while I punish those that cross me without mercy, I reward those that help me with equal generosity.” He slid the fat envelope into the front pocket of her uniform. “There’s enough money there to keep your and your family comfortable for the foreseeable future. Tomorrow, I suggest you find yourself a new job and get as far away from D.C. as possible.” He looked at her for a minute. “I’m thinking somewhere like...California. Do I make myself clear?” 

Maria nodded, there really wasn’t anything else she could do. Three years ago when she legally entered the U.S., she’d come looking better life for herself and make some money to send to her family. When she’d obtained her green card and had started working as part of the night cleaning crew for the courthouse, she thought her life was turning around. Then three nights ago, the two men who’d dragged her in here had shown up on her doorstep and told her, not asked her, told her, what she was going to do for them and what would happen to her if she tried to refuse. She would never, in a million years, have thought that something like this could have happened to her. 

“Good. Now from this moment on, I don’t know you and you don’t know me.” With a nod, he signaled to the two men he was finished with her and they removed her from the room. 

Without another thought for the cowering woman that had just been lead from the room, Freddie returned to the blueprints. Everything was in place. All they had to do was stroll into the courthouse, gather all the weapons, liberate Ramon from the federal marshals that would be escorting him, duck into the empty courtroom where they’d gather the extra ammunition and then take the back hall that lead from the judge’s chambers to the outside exit. A stolen, unmarked van would be waiting for them in the parking lot, right outside the exit. 

‘Yes,’ he thought. ‘There will be nothing to it.’ He smiled. Ramon had been right when he said that it was a simple plan. What nobody, including Ramon, knew was that he had some plans of his own. Plans that included Ramon being tragically shot and killed during the escape attempt. He was tired of playing second fiddle and errand boy to Ramon. While Ramon had been in the joint, Freddie had been in charge, and he found that he liked it. He had no intention of giving it up now. The power was his for the taking, and take it he would. 


	2. Trial by Fire 2

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Donna got to the courthouse a little early Friday morning. She was feeling a little better. She hadn’t seen much of Josh since she’d helped him decorate his apartment two days earlier. Every time she’d made it back to the office, he’d been off doing something. It was just as well, she supposed, as it was helping her stick to her “I’m going to get over Josh if it kills me” resolution. 

Walking down the corridor to the jury entrance of her courtroom, she knew right away that something was up. Usually the door was standing open and she’d be able to hear the low buzz of the other jurors and the staff getting ready for court. The fact that she was about 20 minutes early might explain part of why it was so quiet, but not why the door was closed and locked. Stopping in front of the door, she noticed a sheet of paper taped to it. She scanned it. Apparently a water pipe had broken in the ceiling overnight and flooded the courtroom. The trial had been temporarily moved to a courtroom in another part of the courthouse. 

Turning, she started back down the corridor and ran into another one of the jurors. 

“Oh, hello, it’s Dr. Tillingham, isn’t it?” Donna estimated the other woman was in her mid-thirties. 

“Yes, Dr. Shannon Tillingham, but please call me Shannon,” the attractive, raven-haired woman replied with a smile. “And your name’s Donna, right?” 

Donna smiled back at her. “Yes, Donna Moss.” She crooked her thumb toward the closed door. “There’s a notice on the door that says a pipe or something broke in our courtroom and so the trial has been moved to Courtroom 3B.” 

“That’s one floor down, isn’t it?” Shannon asked her. 

“Yes, I think so.” 

Shannon glanced at her watch. “We’ll, I guess we better get going. Do you mind if we walk together?” 

“No, not at all,” she replied as the two of them turned and headed downstairs for the other courtroom. “So what kind of doctor are you, Dr. Tillingham...I mean, Shannon?” Donna asked her. 

“I’m a pediatrician.” 

“Do you work out of a hospital?” 

“No, although I did do my residency in the ER of George Washington Hospital, I have my own practice,” she answered. 

“Didn’t like emergency medicine?” 

“It’s not so much that I didn’t like it. I mean I did get to help a lot of people, but the hours and the stress are terrible and you see so much of the violence that people can inflict on each other. It wore on me really fast.” 

“Ah, I see,” Donna replied. “I’ve had a little experience with that myself,” Donna said. 

“Oh, really? How so?” Shannon asked with a frown as they got on the empty elevator. 

“Well, not the violence part,” Donna replied with a self-deprecating smile. “But I work at the White House and so I know about long hours and the stress.” 

“Oh, that’s right, I remember now. When you were questioned by the attorneys you said you were a senior assistant at the White House. I don’t think you said who you worked for there.” 

Donna looked at her for a minute. “I swear I’m not trying to be mysterious or rude but I’m not really supposed to say. My boss has a somewhat sensitive job and when I went to work at the White House I was told to be careful about telling people who I work for. Usually I don’t even tell people I work at the White House, but I knew I had to for the jury questioning in case there was a conflict of interest.” She paused. “It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything,” she quickly clarified. “It’s just...” 

Shannon smiled and held up her hand. “Say no more, D.C. is, after all, the model of a company town. With all the terrorism and extortion that goes on these days, I totally understand you being a bit guarded.” 

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Donna said with a grateful smile as they stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall to their courtroom 

********** 

Freddie walked casually through the main doors of the courthouse and stopped at the security checkpoint. As was required, he showed a picture ID, fake of course, to the security guards, emptied his pockets and passed through the metal detectors. Freddie suppressed a smirk as he slid his keys back into his pocket and was allowed into the courthouse without incident. The keys were to the trash receptacles where the guns were stashed. The stupid marshals wouldn’t know what hit them. 

He and the other six members of the team were all dressed in stylish suits. To the casual observer, they might have been mistaken for attorneys. No one would think that they were a seven-man team whose sole purpose was to help a drug kingpin escape from federal custody. They would all enter at different times in groups of two so they didn’t draw any notice as a large group. Each group would go to a specified bathroom to retrieve the loaded handguns. Each bathroom had been carefully selected because it was out of the way and generally didn’t see heavy use. When all was said and done, they’d have eight guns. Then they planned to meet up at a courtroom near the point where Ramon’s guards would be escorting him back from his sentencing. 

‘Yes, things are going exactly as planned,’ Freddie thought as he headed for the bathroom that contained the two guns he was supposed to retrieve. Going through courthouse security was like going through security at the airport. Freddie knew that now he was past the main security checkpoint there were no more metal detectors or searches. All he had to do was hide the guns in the waistband of his pants at the small of his back and no one would be the wiser. 

Soon, he’d be the one with the power and Ramon would be the one with a tombstone. 

********** 

“Josh, I’m going to need you to lean hard on Senator Donaldson,” Leo told him as they finished up Staff that morning. “He’s the only Democratic holdout on the transportation bill. We need to get him on board if we’re going to get it passed. Find out what he wants and give it to him or twist his arm until he gives in and cries uncle.” 

“Yeah, Sam and I are seeing him after lunch,” Josh replied. 

Leo scanned his notes for anything else he needed to bring up but found they’d covered everything. “Okay, that’s all,” he told them. “Get out of my office and get to work.” 

Toby and CJ headed out first, talking about a couple of campaign statements the President was going to make the next day. Josh and Sam followed them out. 

“Hey, Sam, I thought I’d go over to the courthouse today and take Donna to lunch, you want to come along?” 

Sam watched him for a minute as they walked into the Operations bullpen. “I think what you really mean to say is that during lunch you want to go over to the courthouse and heckle Donna for being on jury duty.” 

Josh poured himself a cup of coffee. “Well, yes, I was hoping that would be a side benefit,” he said with a grin as he took a sip and walked into his office. 

Sam followed him. “You know, Josh, there are people that would say that isn’t very nice.” 

“Are any of those people in the room?” 

“Let’s just say that they’re in close proximity,” Sam replied. “Look, all I’m saying is Donna worked every angle she could to get out of jury duty, it’s not like she wants to be there.” 

Josh sat down in his chair. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” he mumbled. 

Sam gave him a puzzled look. That hadn’t been quite the answer he’d expected. “Josh, are you and Donna having some kind of a problem?” 

Josh let out a sigh. “I wish I knew, Sam.” 

Sam leaned against the credenza. “What’s going on?” 

“I don’t know,” he whined. “It all started Monday night. She kept bugging me about the jury duty thing and I kind of snapped at her about it. I’d just had to tell Billy to call off his protest and set up a meeting with him. I had a fight with Amy on the phone...” 

“So, basically, you were in a pissy mood.” 

“Yeah. Then Donna came in again and she was talking some more about the jury duty thing but that time it was different because she was saying she was wrong to try and get out of it. I’m pretty sure she was just teasing me to get me out of the bad mood I was in and actually I think it was working. Then she made a comment about how maybe she’d meet some guy at jury duty and before I knew it I’d made some mean, dumb ass remark about her falling for a Republican gomer. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded but she didn’t give me a chance to explain.” He paused. “Then I was going to try and explain or apologize again when she was over at my apartment helping me decorate for the thing with Amy....” 

“Wait,” Sam said interrupting him. “You asked Donna to help you decorate your apartment for the thing with Amy and she...she did?” He wasn’t sure which thing surprised him more. 

Josh frowned. “Yeah, so?” 

‘So, Josh, Donna’s a saint and you’re an idiot,’ Sam thought. Once upon a time, Josh had told him about how Donna kept pushing him toward Joey Lucas, while he kept doing all he could to sabotage her dates. Although Sam had never said anything, not even to Toby and certainly not to Josh, he’d known then that Josh and Donna were in love with each other. 

While their methods were different, they were both using forms of misdirection on each other. He kept waiting for Josh to figure it out, but so far his often brilliant friend had been remarkably stupid. And this thing he had for Amy was a train wreck in progress. Josh couldn’t have picked someone who was worse for him if he’d tried. But you couldn’t tell Josh that. When he got an idea in his head it took a sledgehammer to get it out. And right now his idea was to pursue Amy, even if it was mostly out of principle. Then again, it had occurred to Sam that maybe Amy was just another form of misdirection for Josh. As for Donna, he suspected she was well aware of her feelings for Josh but she was trying to protect him. Looking out for others was a consummate Donnatella Moss trait. 

“Sam?” 

He shook himself. “Yeah?” 

“What’s the big deal with Donna helping me decorate my apartment for Amy?” 

Sam looked at him for a minute. He wanted to say something. Wanted to find some way to tell Josh that he shouldn’t wait forever to figure things out with Donna. But now wasn’t the time or the place for him to do it. “I...I just meant that Donna’s a pretty understanding assistant to help you do stuff on her personal time. I would never dream of asking Ginger or Bonnie to help me decorate my apartment for a date and if I did, they’d probably, oh, I don’t know, laugh at me and then they’d tell Margaret and then everyone in the building would know I couldn’t manage to take care of my own date night preparation and all the assistants would heckle me mercilessly and I wouldn’t be able to show my face...” 

“Okay, Sam...I get it,” Josh replied. “But you know that Donna’s more than just an assistant to me.” 

‘Ain’t that the truth,’ Sam thought. “Yeah, I know.” 

“She’s also a friend.” 

‘And so much more if you’d just open your eyes,’ Sam thought. “I know that, too,” he said instead. “Which is why I’m trying to tell you that you’re lucky to have a friend like Donna and you shouldn’t take her for granted.” 

Josh sat there for a moment. “Well, that’s kind of why I wanted to take her to lunch. Things have been a little weird between us since Monday and then the thing at my apartment on Wednesday and I thought I’d take her to lunch as a peace offering.” Josh grinned. “I thought maybe you’d like to come along so you can keep me from sticking my foot in my mouth.” 

“Yeah, because I’ve had a lot of luck with that in the past,” Sam replied. 

“I’m buying,” Josh told him. 

“Okay, I’m in,” he said with a grin. He never was one to turn down a free lunch. 

********** 

Freddie entered the bathroom and walked to the sink. Turning on the water, he began to wash his hands. He gave the bathroom a casual inspection in the wide mirror to make sure he was alone. Everything was quiet, both stalls were open and both urinals were unused. He’d already confirmed that there were no security cameras in the bathrooms so they were covered there too. 

Switching off the water he dried his hands carefully and tossed the paper towels in the receptacle built into the wall. Keeping an eye and an ear out for anyone that might come in, he slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out the set of keys. Fitting the proper key into the lock, the door of the trash opened silently. Grabbing hold of the tall inner metal can and the plastic bag liner that covered it, he pulled them out and closed the receptacle door but didn’t lock it. That way if someone did come in, it wouldn’t be horribly obvious he was doing something out of the ordinary. 

Taking the metal can with him, he walked into the handicapped stall and slid the bolt closed on the door. He pulled out the plastic liner and looked inside. A smile creased his hard face as he saw the wad of paper towels in the bottom. Their handy helper, Maria, had wrapped the guns in wadded-up paper towels so if anyone looked down in the trash they’d only see paper towels. Taking his time, he very carefully laid the can on its side and jiggled it so the contents would slide out slowly. They’d instructed Maria to leave the clips separate from the guns, but he wasn’t taking any chances that she hadn’t been listening or that one of his men had stupidly left a clip in the gun. 

His smile widened as the wad of paper towels and two clear plastic zip-lock bags slid out onto the floor. As in all the trash receptacles they’d used, one bag contained four full clips and the other contained two identical unloaded hand guns. Freddie opened both bags and pulled out one of the guns. They were Beretta semi-automatic 9mm pistols. He’d picked them out personally for this job because they were solid, fairly compact, reliable guns that packed a punch and had a clip that held 15 rounds. 

Sliding a clip into each of the guns, he checked to see that the safeties were on and carefully stuffed them into the back waistband of his pants. Then he put the two extra clips into his pants pocket. As a final touch he’d told everyone to be sure they put the trash cans back together so the authorities would be left wondering how the guns had made it into the courthouse. If he could keep them guessing, Freddie thought he might be able to reuse this plan in the future. 

So he replaced the plastic liner, and, after listening to make sure no one else had entered the bathroom while he was working, he exited the stall. Carrying the metal can back across the bathroom, he returned it to its place in the wall and relocked the receptacle. He straightened his tie and his suit and was re-washing his hands when a middle-aged man walked in to use the bathroom. As the man entered one of the stalls, Freddie casually wiped off his hands, threw the papers into the trash, and walked out of the bathroom. 

He couldn’t suppress a little smirk as he walked down the hall. Things were going perfectly. 

********** 

“Say, how did you find out what courtroom Donna’s case was going to originally be in? She didn’t talk to you about the case or anything, did she?” Sam asked as he and Josh walked through the courthouse. They’d already been up to the first courtroom, saw the notice and were now headed to the right one. 

“No, she didn’t tell me about it, except to say that it was a civil case. I found out by making use of my vast network of spies,” Josh replied. 

“So in other words, you asked Margaret?” 

Josh grinned. “Yeah, I swear the woman could work for the CIA.” 

They rounded a corner into the corridor that Donna’s courtroom opened onto and ran right into Ainsley. 

“Hey, Ainsley,” Sam greeted her. 

“Hi guys,” she replied with a small smile. In her sharp-looking burgundy suit, white blouse and hair pulled back into a long, sleek ponytail, she looked her usual professional self. 

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked her. 

“Well, Sam, last time I looked it was a free country,” she teased. “Actually, I had a meeting with a friend. I’m consulting with her on a case she’s prosecuting.” 

“What? We don’t give you enough work to do at the White House?” Sam asked her with a little smirk. 

“You give me more than enough to do, which is why I end up spending most of my evenings and weekends chained to my desk in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue. But, this morning I managed to gnaw my way through the shackles.” 

“Does Babbish know you’re moonlighting?” Sam replied. 

“Sam, I’m consulting with her as a courtesy, I am not getting paid, therefore, I am not moonlighting, and yes, I am a responsible person who saw fit to inform her superior that she would be out of the office for a few hours.” 

Josh watched the two of them going at it. The relationship Sam had with Ainsley was a complete mystery to him. They seemed to delight in arguing and Ainsley definitely knew how to put Sam in his place. And yet, over the last few months, Josh kept getting the sneaky suspicion that Sam had some kind of thing for her. ‘Nahh, couldn’t be that...could it?’ he wondered. Well, if nothing else it would give him some material to tease Sam with. 

“Hey, I’m glad I ran into you,” Sam told her. “I want to talk to you about that position paper you wrote on affirmative action. You have a minute?” 

“Sure,” she replied. 

“You two have fun talking about that,” Josh said, hooking his thumb over his shoulder. “I’m going to head over to the courtroom,” Josh said. “I want to see Donna in action.” 

Sam nodded. “Okay, I’ll be along in a few minutes.” 

“Kay. Good to see you, Ainsley,” Josh called as he headed down the corridor. 

“Bye.” Ainsley gave Josh a quick wave as he left. “So why are you guys here?” she asked Sam. 

“Donna has jury duty and we’re here to take her to lunch,” Sam explained. “So now, about the paper that you wrote.....” 

“I had a feeling you’d be coming to see me about it,” she told him as she tried not to notice how handsome he looked in the crisp white dress shirt and dark suit. 

“Why did you think that?” he asked. 

“Because you’re usually very vocal about the things I write,” she said with a grin. “So what is your specific objection this time?” 

He looked at her for a moment. The late morning sun was pouring in through the window and over her features. He thought it was very flattering to her pale skin. On more than one occasion, he’d wondered how someone could have such delicate features that concealed such an iron will. “Well, to be honest what I was going to say was that it was very well written,” he told her. 

Ainsley blinked at him in surprise. “You really liked what I had to say?” 

“No, what you said was crap,” he said with a little grin. “But I really liked the way you said it.” 

Now that was more like the answer she’d expected. “You had me worried there for a minute, Sam,” she said with a smirk. “You almost gave me a compliment.” 

“Can’t have that now, can I?” he said with a grin. But then slowly, oddly, he felt it fade. “Then again, since I am a speech writer, I guess there was a compliment in there somewhere.” 

“Thank you for that,” she said with a soft, sincere smile. She knew that Sam, for all his blustering, could be extraordinarily kind. The two of them stood there for a minute, both feeling like they were standing on some new precipice and yet neither of them had any idea what to do about it. Ainsley was the one who finally spoke. “Now, why don’t you tell me what points in my position paper you had a problem with.” 

Sam knew the moment has passed and a little smirk returned to his face. “Would you like me to give them to you alphabetically or in order by how much I disagreed with them?” 

********** 

Meanwhile, Josh quietly pulled open the courtroom door and slipped inside. The windowless courtroom was fairly small but wasn’t overly crowded. The gallery had seating for about 40 people but there were only about 10 people seated there. An older gentleman was seated at the witness stand giving some kind of testimony about bus safety. The jury box was off on the right side of the room. 

He spotted Donna right away, but he didn’t think she’d seen him. She was listening intently to the testimony and hadn’t even given a glance in his direction. She was seated at the far end of the jury in what he guessed was the juror #7 seat, right behind the foreman. Josh took a seat in the second row on the right so he had a good view of her. Dressed in a dove gray wool pants and a light-weight, white sweater and wearing her hair down, she looked competent and professional and yet there was a nice softness about her. 

He scanned the jury and the others in the courtroom for a moment and was relieved to see that no one was setting off his gomer radar. Of the 30 or so people that were in the room, 10 in the gallery, 12 in the jury, 2 jury alternates, the attorneys, and court personnel, most were women or older men. No one looked like someone Donna might be interested in. Feeling confident that he could get things back to normal with her, and she’d be happy he and Sam were there to take her to lunch, he settled in to wait for the court to recess. 

********** 

Freddie and his men sat on the hard benches that lined one side of the wide corridor. They were scattered among the people who were waiting for other courtrooms to open. He’d picked this spot because the marshals would be coming right by this area when they escorted Ramon back from his sentencing. With other people around, the seven of them didn’t stick out at all. 

The first part of the plan had gone smoothly. All three teams had located and retrieved the weapons and met up with him without incident. Everything and everyone were in place. Freddie glanced down the corridor. About 50 feet from where he was sitting was the locked door they would be bringing Ramon out of any minute now. On the floor, running along the wall and leading from the secured door and down the corridor away from them, was a path that was permanently marked off in yellow tape. Instructions written inside the path in more yellow tape, told people not to block the area. 

Freddie knew it was the path that the marshals used when transporting prisoners. Whenever possible the marshals used special secured and isolated hallways to move prisoners through the courthouse. But there were certain areas where the secured hallways were not connected to each other and so the marshals had to briefly come out into the open with their prisoners. The prisoners were generally heavily shackled when they were brought out. 

Right on schedule, Freddie heard the lock click and the door open. As expected, out stepped a fully shackled Ramon, still wearing the suit he’d worn to court and shuffling in between the two marshals who were escorting him. 

Acting with casual indifference, his men all remained where they were for a few moments. The plan was to let the marshals think no one was paying them any attention. When the marshals got a few yards up the corridor, Paco and Max stood and began to follow them down the hall. With their steps steady and unremarkable so as not to draw attention to themselves, the two men spoke to each other as if they were attorneys on a lunch break. A few moments later, two more of his men, Eric and Marco got up and did the same. Because Ramon was shackled the marshals were moving at a slower speed than his men and it only took a few moments for the four men to catch up to them. 

Freddie could almost time this part of the operation on his watch. They’d practiced it over and over again in a mock-up that he’d set-up in an old warehouse he and Ramon had used as a hiding place for money, drugs, guns, the random competitor they needed to make disappear and now as a practice arena for their plans. It was quite the multi-purpose building. Good thing the cops and the feds didn’t know anything about it. 

As if on cue, the four men slid their hands slowly under their suit jackets to where they’d stashed their guns. Paco and Max took point. They’d volunteered for this part. Neither of them had any qualms about shooting anyone in law enforcement, in fact, they thought of it as their own little public service. It would be one less cop, or in this case, marshal, that would be around to harass them or stand between them and their goal. 

At that point, Freddie’s two remaining men, Nico and Frankie, stood and took up their position so they could cover the small gathering of people waiting to go into the courtroom. 

The two federal marshals never knew what hit them. It was quick and it was surprisingly messy. The first shot each of them took was to the head. The lead marshal was dead before he hit the floor, his blood and gray matter sprayed across the wall behind him. The second marshal was somehow still clinging to life as he collapsed. His actions were more automatic than from any conscious thought. He managed to pull his pistol from its holster and got off two quick shots. One of his shots went wide missing everything but the opposite wall. But the second one found purchase as it buried itself deeply inside Paco’s thigh. Paco, Max, Eric and Marco were so surprised at the injured marshal’s actions that it took them a moment to react. When they’d practiced the operation, both marshals had gone down without incident. 

With the adrenaline pumping, it took a second for Paco to even recognize that he’d been shot, but when he did, he was livid. While Max moved to the already-dead marshal and put another round in his chest for good measure, and Eric and Marco stood watch with their guns drawn, Paco quickly emptied the rest of his pistol into the second marshal who’d had the audacity to try and stop them. When the shooting stopped, he was definitely dead. 

At the first sounds of gunfire, the people near the courtroom had startled at the noise and turned toward the disturbance. Nico and Frankie had reacted instantly and pulled out their guns. “EVERYONE GET DOWN. NOW! FACE DOWN,” they barked. People were a little stunned and didn’t react at first so Nico shot a round into the ceiling. “I SAID NOW!!!” That got their attention and they started dropping like flies. 

Just then a bailiff opened the courtroom door and looked out to see what was causing the disturbance. When he saw Nico and Frankie holding guns on everyone, he pulled out his own gun. “Put your guns down!” he told them. 

Of course the marshal didn’t realize exactly what he’d stepped into the middle of. He was so focused on Nico and Frankie, he didn’t see Freddie pull out his gun. The courtroom door provided him with at least some cover from the two men, but he was unaware of Freddie who had a clear shot from his position. Freddie shot him dead center in the chest, dead being the operative word. No one else emerged from the courtroom. 

“Now everyone just be cool,” Freddie told them. His voice was calm, even pleasant, as he spoke over the sound of the occasional sob and whimper coming from the people who were currently face down on the floor. “We’ll be out of your lives in just a minute. If you keep your heads and do as you’re told then you’ll have your fifteen minutes of fame when you get interviewed on the evening news tonight. Get in our way and the only way you’ll get on TV is when they show the coroner bringing you out of the courthouse in a body bag.” 

Down the hall, the other four men focused on freeing Ramon so they could make their escape. Yanking the shackle keys off the marshal’s belt, Max tossed them to Marco and then set about pocketing both marshals’ guns and their extra ammunition. Marco quickly freed Ramon, who was slightly spattered with blood from the dead marshals, but was otherwise unharmed. Eric stood lookout and helped Paco remain standing with his injured leg. 

With that phase of the operation complete, there was a lot of back slapping and the five men, with Paco still being helped by Eric, headed back up the corridor to where Freddie and the other men were waiting. 

Ramon was grinning from ear to ear as he greeted Freddie. “We pulled it off, eh, amigo?” 

Freddie smiled back, mostly because he was thinking about the plans he had for getting rid of the Ramon. “We sure did. Now we better get the hell out of here. Those shots will bring every Fed in the place. How you doing, man?” he asked Paco as he pulled out a handkerchief and tied it in a crude bandage around Paco’s leg. He couldn’t have him bleeding all over the place and leaving a trail for the Feds to follow. 

“I’m okay, man. I just can’t believe that fucking marshal shot me.” Paco said through gritted teeth. His leg was on fire, but he’d be damned if he was going to be the reason they got caught. 

“Well, you took care of him,” Ramon told him gleefully. They started moving down the corridor, away from the people on the floor and toward the empty courtroom where they’d find the extra ammunition and their way out of the building. “The asshole won’t be arresting anyone ever again.” 

“Let’s pick up the pace,” Freddie told them. “Our escape route is up around the corner. Once we get through it, we’ll be home free.” 

********** 

“But, Sam,” Ainsley insisted. “Why is it so incredible to think that if the government withdraws the hiring quotas....” The sound of rapid, not-so-far-off gunfire, interrupted her. “What was that?” she said even though she knew very well what it was. She’d grown up around guns. Her mother had died when she was just a child and so she’d been reared by her father and four older brothers, all of whom liked to hunt and target shoot. When she’d been old enough, they’d seen to it that she was well versed in firearms and gun safety. While she didn’t own a gun, she was quite knowledgeable about them. 

Sam was looking in the direction the sound had come from. “It’s gunfire,” he said gravely, trying to control his panic and the beat of his suddenly pounding heart. Although he’d never owned a gun or fired a gun, he knew that sound. He’d heard it up close for the first time one summer night in Virginia. He still heard it in dreams...and his nightmares. 

“Yeah, it was,” Ainsley agreed. “From the sound of it semi-automatic handguns, I think.” As she finished speaking, the gunfire faded into silence. 

Sam looked at her. “How do you know that?” 

“I have a father and four brothers that all own guns and taught me about them from an early age,” she explained simply. 

“Oh,” Sam said. He couldn’t really think of another reply. Oddly, her knowledge of guns intrigued, rather than bothered him. Gun control had been a running point of contention between them from her first day in the White House. But he found that he’d come to respect her position even if he didn’t agree with it. He knew that was a theme for their entire working relationship and friendship. They agreed to disagree on a lot of things. 

At the sound of three more gunshots, Sam’s head snapped back to look in the direction they were coming from. “What the hell is going on?” he wondered aloud. 

The next few minutes seemed to happen in slow motion. Eight men burst around the corner at the far end of the corridor with their guns drawn. They were moving quickly but not running, as one of them was hobbling badly from what looked like some kind of leg wound. The moment was monumentally surreal, like being caught in a bad Steven Segal or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. 

Sam knew the moment they were aware of him and Ainsley. The two men in the lead stared right at them and raised their guns as if they were zeroing in on a new target. Or in this case, two new targets. Sam would remember the dead look in the men’s eyes for the rest of his life. It was the kind of look that said they didn’t care who they hurt in the pursuit of what they wanted. 

He didn’t think, didn’t hesitate. As he’d done with CJ that summer night in Virginia, he simply grabbed Ainsley and pushed her down to the floor. There were no benches here, nothing to hide behind or under, so he pushed her close to the wall and stretched out face down on top of her to shield her with his body. 

Ainsley was a little surprised to find herself suddenly pinned under Sam, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t grateful. While she thought she could handle herself fairly well, and was the opposite of the shrinking Southern violet, she’d also seen the guns and the looks in the men’s eyes and was thankful for any kind of protection she could get at that point. 

Sam and Ainsley heard the eight men pound up the hallway to where they were lying. Both of them expected to hear another round of gunfire any moment. But instead, the sound of quickly moving feet moved past them. Carefully, Sam looked up to see where the men were. They were just disappearing into a courtroom. 

The same courtroom that Josh and Donna were in. 

Oh, shit. 

********** 

Freddie shoved open the door to the empty courtroom and the eight of them piled inside. 

And discovered the courtroom was anything but empty. 

Oh, shit. 

********** 

Donna, like everyone else at the trial, was insulated by the courtroom and was oblivious to the gunshots and the drama going on outside. 

She mentally sighed as she listened to the witness drone on. She was honestly paying attention and overall this case was important, as it involved a man possibly being fired unlawfully, but the current witness was talking about school bus safety. Not the most thrilling subject in the world. 

She had to resist the urge to glance at her watch. Besides being a little disrespectful to the witness, if the judge or the attorneys caught her they would not be happy. From the bottomless pit feeling in her stomach, she guessed it was almost lunch time. 

Suddenly, from the back of the courtroom, someone, or more accurately, eight ‘someones,’ burst noisily into the gallery. Oh, God. They had guns in their hands and looked like they didn’t mind using them. 

Her first thought was that Josh was going to freak out when he heard that armed men had burst into her courtroom. Thank God he wasn’t here to witness it first hand. 

It was then that she noticed Josh was sitting in the gallery, a look of surprise and dawning terror, a look that likely matched hers, on his face. 

Oh, shit. 


	3. Trial by Fire 3

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 3**

“You were supposed to pick an empty courtroom, asshole!” Ramon growled at Freddie. 

“This courtroom was supposed to be EMPTY,” Freddie angrily replied. “WHAT THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU DOING IN HERE?!!!” He demanded to the stunned courtroom occupants. 

Rather than answering the question, one of the bailiffs drew his weapon. “Put your guns down!” he ordered. The second bailiff drew his gun as well. The rest of the original courtroom occupants seemed to be frozen in place. 

Freddie, Ramon and their men ducked behind empty seats in the gallery and didn’t even blink as they started shooting at the bailiffs. Everyone else in the courtroom, including Josh and Donna, scrambled and dove for cover under or behind whatever was handy. The first bailiff made the mistake of being out in the open and although he got off three shots and managed to hit Marco in the shoulder, he went down quickly. The second bailiff, who had crouched behind the witness box, continued to exchange fire with them, eventually hitting Eric in the arm. 

The bailiff emptied his pistol, ejected the clip, and reached into his belt for a full one. Freddie, always one to take advantage of an opportunity, stood up and stepped across the aisle. He grabbed a woman that was cowering there behind a chair and yanked her in front of him. 

“Look man, I’m going to make this real easy for you,” Freddie yelled at the marshal. “You put down your gun and give up and I’ll let this nice lady keep breathing.” He raised his gun and pressed the muzzle of it to the sobbing woman’s temple. “But you keep fighting us and I’m going to blow her brains all over this courtroom. Then I’ll have my men start shooting the rest of these people. At this point, we’ve got nothing to lose.” 

********** 

“Um, Sam?” Ainsley said a little breathlessly, as her heart tried to settle back into some kind of regular rhythm. After the eight men had gone into the courtroom Sam had started to roll off of her but the new round of the gunfire from inside had made him press her back down protectively. Things were quiet now but he still hadn’t moved off of her. Much to her surprise and in total opposition to the situation she found herself in, she was finding it hard not to notice how good he smelled and how nice the weight of his body felt on hers. Well, except for the fact that the floor he was pressing her into was hard and she was finding it a little tough to take a deep breath. 

Sam, his own heart still racing from the gunfire and the worry for his friends, raised himself enough that he could look down at her. “Yeah?” 

It occurred to Ainsley that she’d never been quite this close to him. Although she’d always known his eyes were blue, now she saw what an amazing shade of blue they were. She gave herself a mental shake. “I’m finding it a little hard to breathe,” she said quietly. She didn’t stop to think that there might be more to her breathlessness than just the weight of his body pressing hers into the tile floor. 

He continued to look at her. Something stirred in him. Something that really had no place in the tense situation he found himself in. Something he hadn’t felt for a long time and he couldn’t quite put a name to. Even though the gunmen and the consequential gunfire had scared the crap out of him, his first instinct had been to protect her. While part of him knew that was just part of his nature, he also recognized that there was a little more to it than that. 

After their initially rocky start, he’d come to think of Ainsley as a friend, colleague and on more than one occasion, a tough opponent. And he’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to notice what a beautiful, intelligent woman she was. But as he looked at her now he saw a softness he’d missed before. A softness that was made her even more appealing to him. 

He finally found his ability to speak. “Oh...right, sorry,” he replied. “I just...I mean I thought there might be more, you know, shooting and I wanted to make sure...” he stammered. Taking one more quick scan of the area to make sure the armed men hadn’t returned while he was busy ogling Ainsley, he carefully levered himself up and off of her. “I...sorry, didn’t mean to squash you,” he stammered as he stood up. 

Now that she was able to take a deep breath, she sat up. “It’s okay,” she said with a smile. “I appreciate you trying to protect me.” 

He held out his hand, which was shaking slightly from the residual adrenaline and helped her up. 

“Now,” she said as she brushed off her skirt and straightened her jacket. “We’d better think about calling someone to let them know armed men are running loose in the building.” 

Sam’s expression grew serious, “Josh and Donna are...maybe I should see if I can get a look inside and see what’s going on.” 

Ainsley glanced from him to the closed courtroom doors and then back to him. “Somehow, Sam, I don’t think that’s the wisest plan right now.” 

********** 

Back in the courtroom, the situation remained grave. The bailiff, a deputy marshal named Daniel Greene, was silent as he considered Freddie’s command that he surrender. He was trained to do everything he could to protect the courtroom and its occupants. Now the question was, what was the best way to do that? He glanced at Judge David Reeves, who was crouching under the bench and hoped for some kind of direction as to what he should do. When none was forthcoming from the judge, the deputy knew he was on his own. 

Ramon stood up next to Freddie. “We’ll give you to the count of 5 to remove the clip from your gun and toss the gun and the clip over to us,” Ramon told him. 

“ONE....” 

“TWO....” 

Deputy Greene wiped the sweat off his forehead. This wasn’t going to end well. Working first as a D.C. metro police officer and then for the US Marshall’s office as a deputy marshal, he’d seen men like these before. To them, life was cheap and the best you could usually hope for was a low body count. 

“THREE....” 

Knowing it might cost him his life but might save others, Deputy Greene ejected the clip he’d just loaded into the gun and tossed the empty pistol out to them. 

“Good. You’re a smart guy. You just saved this woman’s life,” Freddie said, not releasing his hold on her. “Now, stand up.” 

Deputy Greene did as he was instructed and stood up with his hands raised. He was ready for the bullets he was sure would be coming for him. 

“Remove your gun belt and toss it over here,” Ramon ordered him. 

Lowering his hands, Deputy Greene unbuckled and slid off his belt and tossed it at Ramon’s feet. Ramon bent down and picked them up. 

Freddie suspected that Ramon would likely be thinking about shooting the deputy marshal but it wasn’t necessary at that point. He’d been neutralized as a serious threat for the moment and that was all he needed. They’d be moving on in a few minutes, so it wouldn’t matter anyway. He spoke before Ramon could confirm his suspicions. 

“Everybody listen to me!” Freddie called out. He glanced around the courtroom at the heads that were slowly peeking over the tops or around the sides of whatever cover they’d been hiding behind. “We’re not here to hurt you. We didn’t expect you to be here at all. We just have to get a couple things that belong to us and then we’ll be moving on. If you don’t get in our way, you’ll live to tell the tale. But if you interfere with us or make trouble for us, we won’t hesitate to kill you.” 

He paused to let that sink in. Hearing no objections, he continued. “Okay, I need everyone to move to the right side of the room where you’ll be out of our way and I can keep an eye on you.” He turned toward the jury whose chairs were already on the right side of the room. “If you’re in the jury, I want you to get back into your chairs. If you’re in the gallery or the rest of the courtroom I want you to sit down in the right side of the gallery,” he said as he shoved the woman he’d been holding into a chair. When no one moved for a moment he shared his displeasure. “NOW!” he screamed. To emphasize his point he fired a shot into the ceiling. “MOVE!” 

Ramon leaned in close to Freddie as everyone scrambled to comply. “We’re going to need to kill them anyway,” he whispered. 

Freddie tamped down the anger that bubbled up in him. ‘No, I just need to kill you,’ he thought. ‘This is my operation and we’re doing it my way.’ 

“Why?” he asked Ramon instead. 

“Because they’ve seen our faces. They can identify us,” Ramon whispered in reply in a tone that screamed ‘duh.’ 

Freddie looked at Ramon. He didn’t know how he could have ever possibly followed this man. “So what?” he whispered back, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “In addition to the people who saw us in the hall where we broke you out and the two outside this courtroom, there were no less than three security cameras in the hall. Killing these people to keep them quiet is not necessary. The Feds are going to quickly figure out who we are.” 

Ramon was a little taken aback by the calm way Freddie had spoken. “And that doesn’t bother you?” 

“No,” he whispered with a little shrug. “It’s all worked out. We’re not going to be around long enough for it to matter. Everything is all arranged. Once we get out of the courthouse I’ve got the jet fueled and waiting. By tomorrow morning, we’ll be working on our tans south of the border.” Freddie suppressed a smug smile. ‘Only you won’t be around to see it.’ 

“I hope you’re right,” Ramon muttered. As much as he trusted Freddie, he liked doing things his own way and it was hard to give up control, even a little bit, to someone else. But he recognized that although this was originally his plan, Freddie had been the one to organize it and put it into action, so it was probably best to followed his lead. 

But only to a point. 

********** 

Sam flinched and took a protective step toward Ainsley when he heard the shot Freddie had sent into the ceiling. “I have to go in there and see if they’re all right.” 

“Sam you can’t go in there and you know it,” she told him. “We called security. They’re going to be here in a minute. They’ll take care of things, including Josh and Donna.” 

“I can’t wait...I have to know,” he tried to explain. “You don’t understand, they’re my friends. He’s my best friend....and he’s still getting over being shot at Rosslyn.” Sam looked at her, as he tried to keep the bile from rising into his throat. “You have no idea what we all went through. He was alone that night....” he swallowed hard. “If Toby hadn’t found him, he probably would have died. I didn’t know...I didn’t make sure he was okay...I let him down. I’m not going to do that again.” 

Ainsley watched him fighting for control. Her heart went out to him. Sam was usually a very calm and rational person...passionate about his work, but otherwise reasonable. However, she’d come to see that when it came to his friends being attacked in some way, he went on the warpath. 

“I do understand,” she said gently. “But right now there’s nothing you can do. If you try and go in there you could get yourself or someone else shot. Josh and Donna wouldn’t want that and you know it. I don’t want that either.” She pulled herself up to her full 5-foot, 3-inch height. “I’m not letting you go in there.” She looked at him with a perfectly serious expression. “And to keep you from trying, I’ll sit on you if I have to.” 

Despite his panic and concern for his friends, Sam almost laughed at the absurdity of her comment. “Ainsley, you weigh, what...two and a half pounds? You and what army are going to hold me down?” 

She stood toe to toe with him. “If you’d like to find out, just keep on doing what you’re doing.” 

“Get out of my way, Ainsley,” he said, brushing off her threats. “I’m going in there and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” 

As Sam started forward to push his way around her, Ainsley grabbed his arm and flipped him over in one smooth motion. The next thing he knew he was looking up at her from the floor. Although she wasn’t sitting on him, she had his arm cocked in such a way he was easily immobilized. “What the hell just happened?” he asked her. 

She looked down at him. “Remember the night we worked on the correspondence dinner speech and you heckled me about the fact that I was going back to Brown to argue against the ERA?” Sam nodded mutely, having no idea where she was going with it but in his current state he had no choice but to try and follow her. “I was wearing an FBI sweatshirt. A sweatshirt I got from one of my four older brothers, the same brother who works for the...” 

“FBI?” Sam finished with a swallow. 

She smiled sweetly. “Yes, and he hasn’t been afraid to share his self-defense training with me. So why don’t you behave yourself? Otherwise I’ll be forced to show you the six ways I can temporarily paralyze a man.” 

Sam swallowed again “Can you really do that?” 

“No, not really.” She paused a beat. “Actually, I only know two ways.” 

>From her expression he really couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. But after what just happened, he wasn’t taking any chances. His arm relaxed under her grip and he stopped struggling. “I’m just worried about him....about both of them,” he told her honestly. 

Ainsley’s expression softened with understanding. “I know you are, Sam.” 

At the sound of more footsteps pounding up the hallway, Ainsley looked up. A group of five uniformed marshals was running up the hall toward them with their guns drawn. Now that the cavalry was here, she released Sam’s arm. But when Sam started to get up...he found himself suddenly looking at the wrong end of five pistols. 

“Don’t you move,” one of the marshals, presumably the one in charge, ordered him. 

Sam’s movement instantly stopped and he kept his hands in plain sight. “Not moving officer.” 

“Are you all right, ma’am?” he asked Ainsley. 

It occurred to Ainsley then that because she’d had him down and immobilized, the marshals must have assumed Sam was one of the bad guys. “Yes, of course I am officer. He’s not one of the assailants, his name is Samuel Seaborn, I’m Ainsley Hayes, we both work at the White House. He’s on the floor because we just had a little misunderstanding,” she explained. “The eight armed men ran past us and into the courtroom over there,” she said pointing to the closed courtroom door. “We heard more shots after they went inside.” 

The officer, his name tag said “Evans,” looked at them for a long moment then he nodded and lowered his gun. “We’ll need some I.D. for both of you and it’s not safe for you to be in this area. Marshal Coulter will take you down to security to get your information and take your statement.” He looked down at Sam who was still lying carefully motionless. “You can get up now, Mr. Seaborn,” he told him as the other marshals took up defensive positions outside the courtroom. Then he began speaking into a radio to give an update to the security command post that had been set up. 

Sam visibly relaxed and let Ainsley help him to his feet. “Excuse me, Marshal Evans?” 

He clicked off his radio and turned back to Sam. “Yes?” 

“I’d really rather stay here if I could,” he said. Marshal Evans opened his mouth to say something but Sam rushed on. “Not only are two of my best friends in that courtroom with a group of armed men, but one of those friends is Joshua Lyman, the White House Deputy Chief of Staff, and the President is going to want a full and regular accounting of what’s going on with the situation.” 

Evans considered that for a moment. He hoped for Lyman’s sake that the gunmen didn’t find out who he was. A White House staffer would make a valuable bargaining chip. “I can understand why you want to stay here, Mr. Seaborn and I have no problem keeping you apprised of all developments so you can brief the President, but for me and the other marshals to do our jobs effectively and protect your friends, I need this area cleared.” Sam started to say something but this time it was Evans that rushed on. “Look, Mr. Seaborn, I can have you removed if necessary but I’d rather have your cooperation. You’re not the only one with friends involved in this situation. Right now, three of my friends and co-workers that already met these guys are being taken out of the building in body bags. And you’re not the only one with friends in that courtroom. I’ve got two marshals in there.” 

He let out a breath. “If you force me to have you removed it will be out of the building and the White House can send someone else to monitor the situation. But if you cooperate I’ll see to it that you’re not only kept in the loop but that you’re given access to the surveillance feed.” 

“Surveillance feed?” Ainsley asked. “You mean from the courtroom?” 

“Yes,” he told her with a nod. “There’s a security camera in the courtroom - video only, no audio. The gunmen either don’t know about it or haven’t found it yet, but we’re currently monitoring a live feed of the inside of the courtroom down in the security command center.” He looked back at Sam. “So, Mr. Seaborn, what will it be?” 

As much as Sam wanted to be close by in case Josh and Donna needed him, he recognized that this wasn’t the best place for him and Ainsley to be and he needed to see for himself that Donna and Josh were okay. The best way to do that was to see them on the monitor. “Okay, I’ll go to security with your marshal. Thank you.” 

“Good,” Evans said with a nod. “It will also help if you can identify your friends on the monitor for Marshal Coulter so we’ll know where they are in the room.” He turned to Ainsley. “Now...Miss Hayes, is it?” 

“Yes, officer?” she replied. 

“Given what I saw earlier, you seem to be able to keep Mr. Seaborn in check, so I’m going to put you in charge of him. Go with him and make sure he stays out of trouble.” 

Ainsley smiled, “I’ll do my best.” 

With a nod, Evans motioned to Marshal Coulter and the three of them set off for Security. 

“You enjoyed that, didn’t you?” Sam said as they walked down the hall. “You enjoyed having him make you my keeper.” 

“Why yes, Sam, I did,” she said with a little grin. “But don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.” 

Sam rotated the shoulder and arm she’s so deftly had in her grip not too long ago. Both of them were going to be sore tomorrow. “If you’re any more gentle I’m going to need a full body cast.” 

*********** 

Complying with Freddie’s shout and the gunshot, everyone settled into their places. Donna and the jury slipped back into their chairs and Judge Reeves, the court clerk, court reporter, attorneys, the defendant, the witness and Deputy Marshal Greene all went to join Josh and the others, already sitting in the right side of the gallery. The three injured men, Marco, Eric and Paco, sat down on top of the defense table but faced different directions so they could keep their weapons trained on everyone. 

Josh’s heart was pounding as he forced down a panic attack. It had been a little over a year since his PTSD attack at Christmas. As a follow-up to his marathon session with Stanley, he’d had regular visits to a therapist in D.C. He credited the fact that he was still functional to that therapy. Well, that and the fact that Donna was involved in this mess. He had to make sure that she made it through this. He’d be no good to her if he let himself be pulled under by his panic. When he took a seat it was purposefully in the front row, right in her line of sight. He caught her looking at him with a worried expression on her face. 

“You okay?” she mouthed silently. 

He nodded mutely. “You?” he mouthed back. 

With a tiny, but encouraging smile, she carefully nodded back. She was worried for him. The gunfire and the shooting of the first bailiff couldn’t be good for his PTSD. When they got out of this she would make sure he’d talk to Stanley. There was no way she was going to let him fall into the same hole twice. 

When everyone was settled in their seats, Freddie and Ramon nodded in approval. “Max, Nico, Frankie...go get our supplies so we can be on our way and leave these people to their trial,” Freddie told them. 

The three men moved to the bookcases that lined the left side of the courtroom. Nico and Frankie started pulling law books rapidly off the shelves in the first two bookcases. Behind the books were fresh clips and boxes of ammunition. Maria had pulled the books out just far enough to fit the clips and the ammunition behind them. Max pulled a chair over to the third bookcase and climbed up on it. Shoving aside the fake ivy silk plants that lined the top, he started pulling out various pieces of something. He handed them down to Freddie who laid them out on the prosecution table. When Max had apparently retrieved all the pieces he climbed down off the chair and stepped up to the table to assemble them. It was quickly apparent it was a rifle. 

Once Max had finished with the rifle and Freddie was satisfied they’d dug out everything, he nodded. “Okay, guys, let’s head out.” The eight of them moved to the front of the courtroom and the door that opened onto the back hallway. Freddie almost let himself gloat. Although the full courtroom of people had been a complication and a couple of the team had gotten banged up, things had gone well. Once they were out this door, down the back hall and out to the parking lot they’d be home free. And along the way he and the four men he’d hand picked for this operation, Max, Paco, Eric, and Frankie would dispose of Ramon, Marco and Nico. He was a little sorry about Marco and Nico. They’d served him well but he knew they’d choose Ramon over him if given the chance. With them gone, no one would question the story that they’d been killed during the escape and then Freddie would be the one in charge. 

There was only one small problem with Freddie’s little plan. And that was the courtroom security camera hidden behind the small black bubble in the upper right hand corner of the room. He didn’t know anything about it. 

The ironic thing was that if the scheme had gone like it was supposed to and the courtroom had been empty, even the fact that there was a security camera in the courtroom wouldn’t have had an impact. When there was no trial in session the courtroom security camera was turned off. Freddie and his group would have been in and out of the courtroom before anyone had known they were there. But since Donna’s trial had been moved to the courtroom the camera was turned on. Security had known the second they’d entered the courtroom. 

So when Freddie opened the door so they could take the back hall out to the parking lot, it wasn’t empty as he had expected. It was full of armed marshals and Federal officers. Their escape route was effectively cut off. 

That’s when everything went to hell. 

“FREEZE!” one of the marshals yelled. “FEDERAL MARSHALS! PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN AND SURRENDER!” 

Freddie’s answer was to start firing as he dove back into the courtroom and slammed the door. “What the hell are they doing there!” he growled in frustration. 

“What did you see, man?” Ramon demanded. 

“The hallway is swarming with feds!” 

“But that’s the only way out! Damn it Freddie you totally fucked this up!” Ramon yelled. 

“Just shut up and let me think for a second!” he demanded as he paced the small space next to the witness stand. 

“I never should have trusted you with this job,” Ramon said as he continued to rant. 

“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Freddie screamed at him. He barely resisted the urge to raise his gun right now and shoot Ramon and that stupid mouth of his. 

Ramon, not used to being talked to like that was speechless and remained silent. It appeared Freddie had gotten use to being top dog while he’d been away. ‘Well,’ Ramon thought, ‘I’m going to have to address that when we get out of here.’ 

Freddie turned to his men who were standing just behind them, waiting for instructions. “Max, take a look out into the main corridor and see if we have company out there too.” Max nodded and moved over to the door. Freddie turned to the gallery. “Hey, bailiff?” 

“Yeah?” Deputy Greene replied. 

“You got keys for these doors?” he asked. 

Deputy Greene swallowed. “No, Marshal Brady has them,” he said referring to the bailiff they’d shot during the entry into the courtroom. 

Freddie nodded. “Nico, search him and find those keys.” Without a word, Nico walked over to the body of the other bailiff, who hadn’t moved since he’d gone down, and started going through his pockets and his gun belt. 

Max came back to Freddie. “Yeah, there are Feds out in the main corridor, too.” 

Freddie let out a breath. He needed some time to think this through. There had to be a way out of this mess. He glanced at the main courtroom doors as an idea began to take shape. “How we doing on those keys, Nico?” 

“Got ‘em,” he said as he stood holding the keys like a trophy. 

Although Freddie and his men didn’t seem to notice or care, Josh, Donna and the rest of those assembled in the courtroom couldn’t help but see that Nico’s hands and the keys were covered in the marshal’s blood. 

“Good job, now lock the front and back doors.” Nico ran to the front entrance doors and locked the deadbolts. 

“What are you doing?!” Ramon demanded in an angry whisper. “You’re locking us in when we should be getting out of here.” 

Freddie looked at him for a long moment. “Oh, we’re going to get out of here. In fact, we’re going to have the Feds begging us to leave.” He looked around the room. “As luck would have it, we’ve got plenty of bargaining chips.” 


	4. Trial by Fire 4

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 4**

“There! There he is,” Sam said to Marshal Coulter as he pointed at the monitor and the image of Josh seated in the gallery. He looked alive and well and calm, at least outwardly, so Sam began to relax. “And unless I’m mistaken, that is the top of Donna’s head in the jury box.” While the position of the camera allowed him to see Josh clearly, it was close enough to Donna that unless she was to look up, he could only see the top of her head and shoulders. 

“Okay, Mr. Seaborn, I’ll let Marshal Evans know where your friends are. Thank you both for your statements and your cooperation. I have to get back upstairs, but if you need anything else you can speak to Marshal Patterson here,” he said indicating the young uniformed woman sitting in front of the monitoring equipment. 

“Thank you,” Ainsley told him. 

“You’re welcome, ma’am,” he said with a nod. “Mr. Seaborn.” With that he turned and walked out into the hall. 

Ainsley thought it might be as good a time as any to tell him what was on her mind. “Sam?” 

He looked down at her. “Yeah?” 

“I just wanted to say....thanks for protecting me earlier,” she replied quietly. “It was very....well, I appreciate it.” 

Sam blinked at her. “You’re welcome. I...” He trailed off, suddenly feeling nervous, although he didn’t know why. As usual when he got scared or nervous, his mouth took on a life of its own. “It...it doesn’t have to be a thing,” he told her. “You don’t have to be beholden to me or anything.” 

Ainsley read the residual fear and anxiety in his eyes over what was happening to Josh and Donna and she found herself wanting nothing more than to ease them. She figured a moment of humor was the best way to do that. 

“Oh, well that’s a relief, because I thought it was going to turn into an episode of _I Dream of Jeannie_ where since you saved my life I had to save yours,” she said with a grin. “And hot towels and coconut oil would have been involved.” 

Despite the gravity of the situation they found themselves in, Sam grinned back at her. “CJ told you about that, did she?” 

“She sure did,” Ainsley replied with a laugh. Then her expression softened. “She also told me how, without thought for your own safety, you very well may have saved her life at Rosslyn.” 

“Yeah, I’m a regular, knight in shining armor,” he said in his usual self-effacing manner. 

Ainsley thought for a moment about how he’d just protected her from the gunmen and how he’d done the same for CJ. She also remembered how he’d been her champion when she’d first come to the White House and had received those horrible dead flowers from Mark Brookline and Steve Joyce. “That description doesn’t sound far off to me,” she said gently. 

Sam watched her, his heart beginning to pound as he found himself suddenly tongue tied. This was new territory for them and it was throwing him off his stride. “Thanks,” he managed in a soft voice. Another long moment passed between them until Sam finally broke the silence. “Well, I guess I can’t put off calling Leo any longer.” Ainsley nodded and Sam turned back to Marshal Patterson. “Is it all right if I use my cell phone in here?” 

“Of course, Mr. Seaborn, but could you just step into the next room?” she told him. “I’m also coordinating the communications for the operation and I need to keep the background noise to a minimum,” she told him. 

He nodded and he and Ainsley walked into the next room. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Leo’s number. Margaret answered on the second ring. “Leo McGarry’s office.” 

“Hey, Margaret, it’s Sam. I need to talk to Leo.” 

“He’s in with the President right now, can I have him call you back?” she asked. 

Sam paused for a moment, “Margaret, tell him and the President that an old friend from home wants to talk to them.” 

Margaret knew the code well and reacted accordingly. “Hold on, Sam. I’ll get them right away.” 

********** 

Ten minutes later, CJ and Toby walked into the Oval Office where Leo and the President were standing in front of the desk waiting for them. “You wanted to see us, Mr. President?” CJ asked. 

Charlie had started to close the door behind them but the President stopped him. “Charlie, could you stay for a moment?” he asked. 

“Of course, Sir,” he said as he stepped into the room and closed the door. 

Both men had grave looks on their faces but Leo was the one to speak first. “We’ve got a situation brewing and it’s going to have repercussions both inside and outside the White House.” He paused. “The President and I just spoke to Sam. About 20 minutes ago a group of about eight armed men staged an escape at the Federal Courthouse on Constitution Avenue. The prisoner they broke out of custody is named Ramon Martinez. The escape took place while he was being transferred from his sentencing hearing at the courthouse back to detention. During the escape they killed three federal marshals. On their way out of the building they ducked into a courtroom we think they assumed would be empty. They’d somehow managed to store more ammunition and a rifle there,” Leo told them, recounting what Sam had said they’d learned from the security camera footage. 

“The only problem was, the courtroom wasn’t empty,” Jed told them as he picked up the story. “Although originally no trial had been scheduled there, one had been moved there this morning. The gunmen killed another marshal who was acting as a bailiff in the courtroom. When federal authorities moved in to contain the armed gunmen, the men locked themselves and the 30 or so people at the trial inside the courtroom.” 

“How did armed men get into the courthouse?” Toby demanded. 

“We’re still working on that,” Leo replied. 

“Wait,” CJ said, her voice a little strangled. “Did you say the Federal Courthouse on Constitution Avenue?” Leo nodded, knowing full well she was beginning to connect the dots. “Donna has jury duty there this week,” she said. “And...and Sam and Josh went over there to take her to lunch today.” She paused, her heart beginning to pound uncontrollably. “Where was Sam when you talked to him?” 

“At the courthouse,” Leo replied. 

“Were Josh and Donna with him?” she asked even though she already knew the answer. She was hoping beyond hope that she was wrong. 

Leo and Jed exchanged glances. “No,” Jed replied quietly. 

Toby blinked. “They’re in the courtroom with the armed gunmen,” he said softly. “Aren’t they?” 

Leo nodded. “Yeah, there’s no question,” he replied, trying to keep the worry from his voice. “Uh...Sam said they met Ainsley in the hall outside Donna’s courtroom. He stayed to talk to her but Josh went into the courtroom. A few minutes later, the eight gunmen ran right past them and went inside.” 

“Do we even know if they’re okay?” CJ asked. 

Jed answered that one. “Yes, we caught a break there. There’s a security camera in the room and Sam was able to pick them both out. He said they both look fine. Since the White House is involved Ron Butterfield has already sent a couple of agents over there. Between them and Sam, we’ll stay fully briefed.” 

The room was quiet for a moment as they all absorbed what had happened. 

Leo finally broke the silence. “Um...CJ, you may or may not get asked about this in the afternoon briefing. It’s possible they’ll ask you about the situation in general but it’s unlikely that the press will have any idea that anyone from the White House is involved in this. Sam and Ainsley are sequestered in the Security Command Center and I’ve told them to stay there and out of sight. Unless someone saw Josh in the building I don’t see how they’re going to find out he’s there. As for Donna, jury lists are confidential so they shouldn’t know about her either. But there’s always the chance that someone from the White House press corps might have heard about her jury duty and when they see she’s not around they’ll put two and two together. In any case, you’ll need to have a statement ready for any eventuality.” 

CJ looked at them for a minute. As much as CJ the friend was worried, CJ the Press Secretary was already planning for contingencies. “If I get a question about the general situation, I’ll refer them to the courthouse. If I get a question about Josh and Donna or Sam and Ainsley, I’ll say we’re still confirming their whereabouts.” 

“Yeah. Beyond that we’re not going to comment while the situation is still going on,” Leo told her. “You’ll also need to put together a statement for after the situation is resolved and they’re released unhurt.” 

“You’re making a pretty big assumption there,” Toby put in. 

“What do you mean?” Leo said with a frown. 

CJ answered for him quietly. “He means they’re locked in a room with eight armed men who have shown they don’t mind killing to get what they want. To assume they’re going to be released unhurt is a pretty big leap.” 

********** 

Donna snuck a glance at Josh and found him watching her. Although his eyes were intense, she was pleased to see that he looked focused and calm. She hoped things stayed that way. She gave him a slight, and what she hoped was a reassuring smile. 

There was also something else in his stare. Something that stirred her deep inside. It was hard to put a name to, but if she had to describe it, she’d say it was like he was trying to hold onto her with his eyes. It had to be the stress of the situation, she reasoned. She had to be imagining things. Of course, as her friend, he’d be worried about her, but it couldn’t be more than that. 

“Is anybody here a doctor?” Freddie demanded suddenly, shaking Donna from her Josh musings. 

Donna saw Dr. Tillingham stiffen beside her. Although technically the doctor was supposed to be sitting two seats from her in the juror #9 spot, when the shooting had stopped and they’d scrambled back into chairs, the young doctor had wound up sitting next to her. Donna laid her hand on her arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze to try and calm her. 

“I....I’m...I’m a doctor,” Dr. Tillingham stammered, raising her hand slightly. 

All eyes in the courtroom turned to her. “A medical doctor?” Freddie asked. 

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “I’m a pediatrician.” 

“You’ll do. Come down here and check out my men,” he ordered. He ignored the glare that Ramon gave him at the word ‘my.’ 

On shaky legs she rose and walked down from the jury box. The three injured men were sitting on the defense table. To get to them she had to pass by the prone form of Marshal Brady. She paused and began to bend down to check him. 

“No! MY men first,” Ramon said with an emphasis on the ‘my’ to remind Freddie of his place. “You can check him later.” 

“But he’s hurt badly. Can’t I....” 

“NO!” Ramon snapped. “My men first!” She didn’t move for a moment. “NOW!” he screamed. 

Dr. Tillingham’s fear fought with her anger at not being allowed to help someone so critically injured. But her fear won, so she straightened up and continued over to the gunmen. “I’m going to need bandages and something to clean their wounds.” 

Freddie turned to bailiff. “You got a first aid kit in here?” 

Deputy Greene nodded. “It’s in the bottom left drawer of the court clerk’s desk,” he answered. 

“And who’s the court clerk?” 

“I am,” a meek voice said from the second row. 

“Stand up,” Freddie told her. A young, slightly plump brunette stood up in the second row. “What’s your name?” 

“Sally...,” she said her voice trembling slightly. “Sally Barnes.” 

“Okay, Sally Barnes, I want you to go get the first-aid kit, take it to the doc and then sit back down in your seat. Can you do that?” Freddie asked. She nodded. “Well, then get to it. Chop, chop.” 

Clearly terrified, Sally nodded, slid out of the second row and hurried across the room to her desk. 

“Keep an eye on her, Max,” Ramon said. Max moved to watch Sally as she retrieved the first-aid kit, took it over to Dr. Tillingham and then returned to her seat without incident. 

Dr. Tillingham opened the first-aid kit and took stock of its contents. She was pleased to see it was fairly well stocked. Since Paco and Marco seemed to be hurt the worst, she started with them. Removing the make-shift bandage Freddie had made out of his handkerchief, she ripped open Paco’s pant leg and examined his wound. 

“What’s the word, doc?” Freddie asked. 

“There’s no exit wound so the bullet is still in there. I can’t be sure without x-rays but I don’t think the leg is broken. At least not badly. He’ll need surgery to have the bullet removed and to repair any nerve or muscle damage and he’ll need antibiotics to protect against potential infection,” she told him as she began cleaning the wound with the bottle of alcohol in the kit, which made Paco hiss as it stung. “Most of the bleeding has stopped so I don’t think he hit an artery or anything but it will probably start to bleed again if he starts walking or running around on it. The best I can do is clean it and bandage it.” Folding over a heavy gauze pad, she pressed it to the wound and wrapped it some gauze over it and around his leg to hold it in place. 

Then she moved onto Marco and tried not to notice the smarmy look he was giving her. “Take off your shirt,” she told him briskly. 

“Just my shirt, chica?” he said with a leer. “Maybe you’d like to check out things below the waist, too.” 

Although it wasn’t how she talked normally, she fell back on how she used to treat unruly patients in the ER during her residency. “Look, AMIGO, the only reason I’m this close to you is because I’m a doctor and your injured so cut the crap and save the cute remarks,” she said, surprised her voice sounded as strong and confident as it did when inside she was shaking like a leaf. “Now, if you want me to treat your shoulder get your shirt off. Otherwise, you can keep bleeding and I’ll check your friend instead.” 

“Whoa, you’ve got quite the mouth on you, chica,” he replied still leering, but he carefully slid off his jacket and began taking off his shirt. Dr. Tillingham examined his shoulder silently. “Like what you see, doc?” he said referring to his well-muscled chest. 

“Not really...you’re going to live,” she said flatly. “There’s an exit wound so the bullet’s gone. It looks like it went through the top of your shoulder and missed everything important, except maybe...” she gently pressed on the area just below the wound, right where his collarbone was. 

“OW!!! Bitch!!” he said. Almost out of reflex at being hurt, he shoved her hard with his uninjured arm. She stumbled and fell to the floor. “That hurt!!!” he pointed his gun at her. “You did that on purpose!” 

Dr. Tillingham looked up at him from the floor and the end of the gun that was now pointed at her. “I didn’t hurt you on purpose. I was just trying to find out if the bullet had broken your collarbone and from the way you reacted I would say that it did.” 

“Marco!” Ramon snapped from the corner where he’d been talking to Freddie. “Leave her alone! We need her. Stop being a baby and let her take care of your shoulder.” 

“Continue, doc,” Ramon told her as Marco lowered his weapon. 

She got shakily to her feet and moved back to her patient. “Just so there are no surprises this time, this is going to sting,” she told him as she began cleaning the wound with alcohol. His reply was grunting snarl. “I didn’t feel any displacement so I think the fracture is just a hairline, not a complete break. The bullet probably grazed it. If it keeps hurting, a sling will help,” she told him as she bandaged both wounds. “Otherwise you’ll need some stitches and a course of antibiotics. Like I said, you’ll live.” 

“You don’t need to sound so disappointed, bitch,” Marco snarled at her. 

Dr. Tillingham ignored him and moved onto Eric. He’d already taken off his jacket but she didn’t need him to remove his shirt. She just tore the majority of his sleeve off and then leaned in to examine the wound. “You’re in luck. You’ve just got a flesh wound,” she said as she cleaned the bullet graze on his arm. “I know it probably hurts but just keep it clean and dry and it should heal just fine. Antibiotics would probably be a good idea for you too.” Eric nodded as she started bandaging it. 

When she was done, she closed the first-aid kit and carried it over to the marshal. As she walked over to him she glared at Freddie and Ramon, daring them to try and stop her from trying to help the fallen man. Or judging from the amount of blood that was soaking his clothes and the floor, she figured it was going to more a case of verifying to make sure he was beyond help. No one stopped her from checking him this time. 

Kneeling down next to the marshal, she felt for a pulse and any respiration. Her worst fears were realized when she found neither. She was pretty sure that even if she’d gotten to him earlier it wouldn’t have made a difference. He’d most likely died within minutes of being shot. Using a little bit of the alcohol from the kit, she rinsed the blood off her hands. This was another reason why she’d walked away from emergency medicine without a second thought when her residency had been up. During the time she’d worked in the ER, she’d waded through enough waste and violence to last her a lifetime. 

She carefully arranged the remaining contents of the first-aid kit, closed the lid and then stood. Slipping off her suit jacket, she laid it gently over his head and shoulders out of respect. A rippling gasp went through the courtroom as everyone realized what that meant. Setting the first aid kit back on top of the court clerk’s desk, she turned to face Freddie and Ramon. “May I return to my seat now?” 

“Go on,” Freddie told her. 

Dr. Tillingham walked back to the jury box and slid into her seat next to Donna. 

“You okay?” Donna whispered softly after Freddie and Ramon had gone back to talking to each other. 

Shannon gave her a small smile. “Yeah, thanks,” she whispered back. “My shoulder’s going to be a little sore tomorrow from where he hit me, but I’m okay.” She glanced back at Freddie and Ramon. “I just hope this is over soon.” 

********** 

“So what the hell are we going to do now?” Ramon demanded in an angry whisper. “We can’t just hang out in here forever.” 

“Yeah, Ramon, ‘cause that’s what I had planned. I figured we’d just move in and keep these people prisoner until they decide to join our organization,” he said sarcastically. “Look, we won’t have to stay here forever,” Freddie told him. “They obviously know we’re here. I’m guessing that any minute that phone is going to start ringing and they’ll want to know what they can do to get us to end this.” 

“And then?” 

“And then we’ll have them eating out of our hands,” Freddie told him in exasperation. “All we need is for them to let us go. We don’t want money or a helicopter or any of that other shit that you see in the movies. We’ve got everything we need. We just need to be able to get to it. I already called Jimmy,” he said, referring to their getaway driver. “They don’t know about him. He knows we’ve hit a snag and he’s stashed himself and the van in the parking lot. When we’re ready to move he’ll be ready too.” 

“And you think they’re just going to throw open the doors and say, ‘hasta la vista’?” Ramon said. 

“Of course they are. Look around you. We’ve got human shields all around us. If we make use of them and they won’t have any choice but to let us go.” 

“I don’t know, Freddie, this sounds like a stupid plan. They’re never going to just let us go.” 

“And I suppose you want to just shoot our way out?” 

“Well, it’s better than waiting around for them to come and get us,” Ramon argued. 

“You know Ramon, I’d like to live through this little adventure and shooting my way through an army of Feds does not sound like the best way to do that.” 

Ramon looked at him for a minute. “You know, Freddie, I don’t remember you being quite this whiny and gutless before I went into the joint.” 

Freddie shoved him hard against the wall, making everyone in the courtroom jump. “Well, at least I wasn’t stupid enough to get caught!” Freddie yelled, giving up all pretence at keeping his voice lowered. 

“It wasn’t my goddamn fault!” Ramon yelled as he pushed back. “How was I supposed to know that the supplier I was using was a Fed?!” 

“Because I tried to tell you he was but you never fucking LISTEN!!!!” 

“Well, you didn’t try hard enough! If you had maybe I wouldn’t have spent the last six months behind bars!!!” Ramon screamed back. 

Josh gripped the armrest on the chair as he heard Freddie and Ramon begin to argue in earnest. ‘This is not good,’ he thought. ‘Not good at all.’ When the bad guys started turning on each other it was time to be ready to duck. 

Just then the sound of their arguing was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. 

********** 

“It’s ringing,” Agent Ray McIntire told Sam and Ainsley. He was the hostage negotiator that the FBI has sent over. Secret Service Agent Trevor Jones was also in the room. They were standing in a small office just off the main security office. He pressed a button and the sound of the ringing phone filled the room. He’d set things up so Sam, Ainsley and Agent Jones could hear what the person on the other end was saying but the person on the other end would only be able to hear what Agent McIntire was saying into his headset. Everything was also being recorded. 

On the fourth ring, someone answered. “Yeah?” 

“This is agent Ray McIntire of the FBI, to whom am I speaking?” 

“You the negotiator?” 

“Yes, I am. I’m here to find out what we can do to end this situation. Now who am I speaking to?” 

“My name is not important.” The voice said. “What is important is that the lives of the people in this courtroom are in your hands. You get us what we want and all of them will walk out of here. Screw with us or get in our way and they’ll be leaving in body bags.” 

“And just what do you want?” 

“We just want you to let us out of here.” 

Agent McIntire waited for a moment, expecting there to be more demands. When no other demands were forthcoming he gave Sam and Ainsley a surprised glance. 

“Hello? You still there?” the voice on the other end asked. 

“Ah, yeah,” Agent McIntire answered. “I’m just waiting for the rest of your demands.” 

“There are no more. We don’t want money or a helicopter or any other shit like that. We just want you to let us out of here.” 

Agent McIntire was quiet for a minute. “I don’t think they’re going to go for that. You and your men have killed three federal marshals, taken people, including a federal judge, hostage and helped a prisoner escape from custody. They’re not going to help you escape, they’re going to want you to surrender.” 

The voice got a little more angry at that. “Well then, you’re going to have to convince them, aren’t you, Mr. Negotiator? But since we’re feeling generous, we’re going to give you one hour to talk to whoever you need to talk to and get back to us.” 

“And what happens if I’m not able to convince them?” 

“Then we’re going to kill one of the hostages. And I think the fact that we killed those three marshals shows that we’re serious and we’ve got nothing to lose.” 

“Yes, killing those marshals was definitely a vivid example of what you’re capable of.” Agent McIntire paused. “But why don’t you also show them they’re also dealing with people who are capable of acting in good faith and release some of those hostages?” 

The voice chuckled. “Nice try, Mr. Negotiator. But it’s not going to happen. Everyone is staying right where they are until we say otherwise. One hour. You better get busy.” With that, the phone went dead. 

McIntire sighed and took off his head set. “That’s not good.” 

“Why not?” Sam asked. 

“Because they don’t want anything.” 

“They want to get out,” Sam said stating the obvious. 

He shook his head. “Usually when you’ve got a situation like this, the standard way you handle it is to bargain and stall. You say you’ve got to have more time to pull together the money or arrange the plane or whatever. Essentially you wait them out until they give up.” 

“And if they don’t give up?” Ainsley asked. 

“Then you stall them until the authorities can put together a plan to rescue the hostages that will end up with the least collateral damage. The problem....” 

“Collateral damage?” Sam interrupted heatedly. “COLLATERAL DAMAGE?!” 

“Sam...” Ainsley began as she laid her hand on his arm to try and calm him. The muscles under her hand were rock hard with anger and tension. 

But Sam’s fury wasn’t going to be denied. “Those people being held hostage deserve more respect than to have their potential deaths reduced to an abstraction! They’re flesh and blood human beings and two of them happen to be friends of mine!” 

Agent McIntire was a little taken aback by Sam’s response and it took him a moment to respond. “I’m sorry, Mr. Seaborn, force of habit. I apologize for my poor choice of words.” 

Sam felt the fury drain out of him, leaving him a little shaky. “No, I’m sorry for my reaction. I know you’re just doing your job. I guess I’m a little worried about my friends.” 

“Perfectly understandable.” 

Sam let out a breath. “Please go on.” 

“As I was saying, the problem is...this situation is difficult on a couple of fronts. I wasn’t kidding when I told him that there’s no way they’re going to be allowed to just walk out of the building free men. The fact that they’ve admitted to killing the three marshals out in the hall, as well as other marshal in the courtroom that they don’t know we’ve seen on the security camera, has pretty much guaranteed that. Then there’s the other problem.” 

“What’s that?” Ainsley asked. 

“If the gunmen don’t decide to give up, the courtroom they’re in will make it difficult for any rescue mission to succeed.” 

“Why?” Sam put in. 

“There are no windows to try and shoot through, not even in the doors. There’s no accessible open space above the ceiling so the tactical team can’t drop or shoot into the room from there. There is some duct work for heating and air conditioning but they’re too small for someone to fit inside so they can’t access the room from there. The doors are fairly sturdy and have deadbolts, which are now locked. Even if they used a battering ram on them it would take long enough and make enough noise that it’s very possible that the gunmen would start shooting the hostages or use them as shields.” He let out a breath. “The only break we caught is the fact that we’ve got the live security camera so we know where the gunmen are in relation to the hostages and what’s going on in the courtroom at any given time. I just hope they don’t find that camera because if they do, we’ve really got problems.” 


	5. Trial by Fire 5

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 5**

“So what do we know?” Jed said as CJ, Toby, Leo and Ron Butterfield walked into the Oval Office. 

Leo went first. “Sam just called. The FBI negotiator spoke to one of the gunmen and he gave their demands, or more accurately, demand.” 

“Demand?” Jed said, pulling off his glasses. “You mean they had just one?” 

“Yeah, Sam said the negotiator was pretty surprised by that too,” Toby put in. 

“Well, what was this one thing did they wanted?” Jed asked. 

“For the marshals to let them leave the building unmolested,” Leo replied. 

“You’re kidding?” Jed replied. “They just want us to let them go? We’re just supposed to say, ‘Hey, we’re sorry we bothered you, go on with the shooting and the murder and the general mayhem. No harm, no foul’?” 

“Something like that, yeah.” 

“What do we know about these guys?” Jed asked next. 

Ron fielded that one. “The man they helped escape is named Ramon Martinez,” he said laying a picture of Ramon on the desk. “He was the head of one of the largest drug smuggling and distribution outfits in D.C. and Baltimore. In fact, he just about built the operation from the ground up. The escape happened after he’d been sentenced to death for drug trafficking, murder, attempted murder, racketeering and extortion under Title 18.” 

“So he’s got nothing to lose by trying to break out of custody?” CJ put in. 

“Right,” Ron agreed. “And we believe that his lieutenant, Freddie Garcia, was the mastermind behind his escape.” Ron added a second picture to the desk. “The two of them grew up together in New York and came to D.C. in the early 90s. Although it’s been long suspected by the DEA and the D.C. police that Garcia is just as dirty as Martinez, they haven’t been able to dig up any evidence on him yet. From their known associates and the courthouse security tapes, we’re piecing together the rest of the team. So far we’ve identified two of them, one Paco Hernandez and one Maxwell Calderon,” he said laying a third picture showing both men on the desk. “Both have long rap sheets and have done hard time for everything from theft to drug possession to assault. The two of them are very tough customers but they don’t have any outstanding wants or warrants right now.” 

“So they’re a bunch a choir boys?” CJ commented. 

“Pretty much, yeah,” Ron said with a nod. 

“So did they give a deadline for their demands...sorry, ‘demand’?” Jed asked. 

“One hour,” Leo replied looking at his watch. “Which means we’ve got about 30 minutes left.” 

“Well, since I assume we’re not just going to let them waltz out of the building, what’s the next step? What happens when that hour comes and they don’t get what they want?” Jed asked. 

Ron and Leo exchanged looks. “They’ll most likely kill one of the hostages, Mr. President,” Ron finally said. 

“If we’re not prepared to give them what they want how are we going to save Josh and Donna and all those other people they’re holding hostage?!” Toby demanded. “We can’t just, you know, stand around with our hats in our hands until they don’t have anybody left to execute!” 

Ron looked at him. “They’re working on a tactical solution.” 

“A tactical solution?” CJ said. 

“He means they’re planning how they can storm the courtroom without getting all the hostages killed,” Toby said. 

“Okay, Toby, just so you know, if your instincts start telling you lie to me about this, well, then you should feel free to go with that,” CJ replied. 

“How is the tactical situation looking right now, Ron?” Jed asked. 

“Well, like I said they’re still working on it,” Ron replied. “However, the courtroom they’re in is secure enough that it’s making things difficult.” He glanced around the room at everyone. “So for now we’re just going to have to wait and hope that the gunmen give up before we’re forced to go down that road.” 

“Waiting’s not our strong suit,” CJ replied. “And it definitely isn’t Josh’s. I just hope having Donna there will help him hold it together.” 

********** 

As for Josh he’d been going through a range of emotions. He’d been worried and scared when they’d first broken into the courtroom, started shooting and then arguing. He’d been a little bored after Freddie had finished the call with the negotiator and the gunmen had stopped arguing, instead spending most of the last hour talking quietly among themselves. But as the time moved closer and closer to the one hour deadline he was swinging back to worried with a dash of helplessness thrown in. He’d been practicing some of the breathing techniques that his therapist had taught him and so far they were helping to keep any signs of his PTSD in check. 

In any case, he was glad to see that Donna seemed to be handling things well. She was softly talking on and off with the young doctor sitting next to her but she’d glance at him every couple of minutes with an expression that was part her checking on him and part her letting him know she was doing okay. It did wonders for keeping him calm. 

He glanced at his watch, only a few more minutes until the deadline. Between the fact he was fairly certain there would be no way these gunmen would be allowed to just walk out of the building scott-free and the arguing that had gone on earlier between the two leaders, Josh didn’t have high hopes that the call in a few minutes was going to go well. 

Josh watched as one of the leaders, he thought his name was Freddie, stopped pacing and turned to the judge. “Hey, judge, I have a question.” 

Judge Reeves blinked at him in surprise. “Yes?” 

“Your trial wasn’t scheduled for this courtroom. In fact, we picked this courtroom because we thought it would be empty. Why were you all in here?” 

“A pipe,” Judge Reeves cleared the lump in his throat. “A water pipe broke in our original courtroom last night. There was water all over the floor so they moved us in here this morning.” 

“A pipe?” Freddie said with a grin that said he thought it was anything but funny. “A broken, fucking pipe? Unbelievable.” He shook his head. It had been such an easy fool-proof plan and it got screwed up by a broken pipe. ‘It had also been Ramon’s plan,’ he thought. ‘I should have known it was going to go wrong.’ 

Just then, the relative peace of the courtroom was shattered by the ringing of the phone. 

Freddie was pretty sure what the caller had to say. “Bailiff, could you answer that please?” 

Deputy Greene look a little confused. “Me?” 

“Yes,” Freddie said calmly. “Quickly, please before they think we’re not interested in what they have to say.” 

Deputy Greene got to his feet, a weird sense of dread beginning to creep over him, although he couldn’t have said why. He walked over to the bench and picked up the receiver of the ringing phone. “Hello?” 

He listened to the caller, then spoke in response to the negotiator’s question. Apparently Agent McIntire recognized that he was speaking to someone different than he had during the previous call. “I’m Deputy Marshal Greene. I’m one of the two bailiffs that were present in the courtroom when the situation began.” 

Another pause while he listened. Freddie leaned casually against the edge of the defense table as Ramon stood nearby. 

“Marshal Brady. He was killed during the initial gunfight,” he replied. 

Deputy Greene paused again and then looked at Freddie and Ramon. 

“He wants to talk to one of you,” he said holding out the receiver. 

Instead of getting up to take the phone, Freddie continued to lounge against the table. “Ask him if they’re going to meet our demand.” 

“But he wants to talk to...” 

“Ask. Him.” Freddie repeated deliberately. 

A renewed look of confusion crossed Deputy Greene’s face as he continued looking at Freddie for a moment, then he put the receiver back up to his ear. “He wants me to ask you if you’re going to meet their demand?” 

He listened again and then looked back at Freddie. “He says he really wants to tell you himself.” 

Freddie just shook his head. 

“He won’t come to the phone,” Deputy Greene told the FBI agent. As the deputy listened, an odd look came over his face. Maybe the best description was disappointment colored with worry about being the messenger. He turned to Freddie and Ramon. “He says they won’t let you leave and he wants to talk to you about...” 

“Put the phone down,” Freddie said calmly. 

“What?” Deputy Greene replied, not understanding. 

“Put the receiver down on the bench but don’t hang it up,” Freddie told him. 

Still confused, it took the deputy a moment to comply. But finally he did, setting the receiver down on the bench and taking two steps away from it like it was a snake that was suddenly going to bite him. The courtroom seemed to be holding its breath. 

The Deputy was now only a few feet from where Donna was sitting and she could clearly see the worry that was etching his face. 

Freddie calmly ejected the clip from his gun into his hand. He looked at it for a moment. “You have family, Deputy?” he asked as he studied the clip. 

“No,” he said swallowing. The feeling of dread was getting stronger. “I mean I’m not married or anything.” 

Freddie slid the clip back into the gun and stood up. “Well, that’s something,” he said almost absently as he walked over to within a few feet of Deputy Greene. For a moment, everyone wondered if he was going to pick up the phone and make some kind of response to the negotiator. 

Instead, he raised his gun and pointed it at Deputy Greene. “I’m sorry it has to be this way, amigo.” 

What Donna did next surprised everyone, no one more so than herself. She was on her feet before she’d even had a conscious thought to stand. “Wait!” she said moving to stand next to the Deputy. 

Freddie frowned in surprise. “Sit down!” he yelled when he’d had a few seconds to recover. 

‘Yes, sit down, Donna!’ Josh silently begged her and his hands clamped around the armrests in a death grip. He was torn between trying to do something and taking the risk that he’d make it worse, or doing nothing while Donna put herself in harm’s way. 

********** 

Sam and Ainsley listened in confusion as they heard Donna’s voice come over the speaker. Her voice sounded far away since she was standing a few feet from the phone, but it was definitely hers. The two of them rushed to the doorway so they could both see the monitor and hear over the phone what was happening in the courtroom. They watched the monitor in dawning horror as they saw Donna standing next to the deputy. 

“What the hell is she doing?” Sam demanded. 

********** 

“Please just listen to me for a minute,” Donna told Freddie. “Isn’t this man’s life worth a minute of your time?” 

Freddie blinked at this woman. She was a tall, pretty, rail thin woman who looked like she’d blow away in a strong breeze, but she also had courage. He respected courage. “Okay,” he said with a nod. “You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. You’ve got your minute, so talk.” 

“Freddie, man, what are you....?” Ramon began. 

“I said she could have a minute, so shut up and let her talk!” He yelled as he lowered his gun. Ramon didn’t look happy, but he stayed quiet.” He turned back to Donna. “The clock’s ticking, chica.” 

“Look, you don’t have to do this. He’s a federal officer. If you kill him they’ll hunt you down, they won’t stop until they find you, all of you. And when they find you, they’ll try you for his murder and it will mean the death penalty for killing federal employees.” 

Ramon snorted. “Tell us something we don’t know. They broke me out because I was sentenced to death this morning. We’ve got nothing to lose.” 

Freddie and Donna had continued to stare at each other while Ramon had spoken. “He’s right, chica,” Freddie told her in a calm, almost gentle voice. “And we killed three marshals out in the hall and the one in here. If we let them capture us, we’re all dead. We have to make them see that we mean business about them letting us go.” 

“But they already know you mean business. You’ve shown them that. Don’t you think that if you spare his life and let us go that they’ll take that into consideration?” 

“Not enough to make a difference,” Freddie said. “It’s too late for us, chica. If we don’t get out of here on our own, we’re dead anyway.” 

“No, it’s never too late,” Donna argued earnestly. “And what about the deputy? What about the rest of us? Is it too late for us? We didn’t do anything to any of you. We weren’t even supposed to be here. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She paused. “Don’t we deserve a chance?” 

“Of course you do,” Freddie told her. “But life doesn’t give us what we deserve and sometimes people just get caught in the crossfire.” He paused. “Casualties of war.” He raised his gun again. “I’m sorry it has to be this way, but your minute is up.” And with that he fired at the deputy. 

The die was cast in the instant that Donna shoved the deputy marshal out of the way to try and save his life. 

And ended up taking the full force of the bullet into her own body. 

For a moment, no one moved. Everyone in the courtroom, including Donna, was frozen with shock. 

********** 

Ainsley gripped Sam’s arm with incredible force. “Oh, my God. He just shot her.” 

Sam didn’t feel the pain of her death grip on his arm. His sole attention was focused on the monitor, hoping against hope that he wasn’t seeing what his eyes were telling him he was seeing. 

********** 

Donna had felt the initial, burning, tearing pain as the bullet had slammed through her and had instinctively pressed her hands over the spot on her side, just above her waist. But never having been shot before, it took her a moment to fully process exactly what had just happened. The truth of the situation came home to her when she pulled her hands away and found them covered in blood. Her gaze went from her hands to Josh. Shock and helplessness was written across her face. 

Like a runner reacting to a starter pistol, her look had him instantly moving. He vaulted over the gallery railing and headed straight for her. At his quick motion, the gunmen raised their weapons but when they saw he wasn’t headed for them, they lowered them again. Between the surprise of Donna’s actions and the reality that she’d just been shot in the deputy’s place, no one, not even Freddie, Ramon or their henchmen, did anything else to stop him. 

“Josh?” she said as he reached her side and put his arm around her shoulders. Her knees buckled then and he eased her to the floor. 

“I’m sorry, Josh,” she said, her eyes radiating distress. “I didn’t mean...I just wanted to help him.” Tears began to gather in her eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

He swallowed at the sight of the blood that was seeping between her fingers and tried to control his pounding heart. “I know, Donna,” he told her gently. “Shhhh, it’s okay. You’ll be okay.” 

‘She has to be okay,’ he thought. 

As Freddie watched them, his shock gave way to guilt. Guilt was not an emotion he was used to. He’d killed before and the idea of killing women didn’t especially bother him. But he’d never killed indiscriminately. He felt like there was enough waste in the world and when he had to kill someone or have them killed it was out of self-defense or because it was a means to an end. He hadn’t meant to hurt this woman. In fact, he admired the way she’d stood up to him. Injuring or killing her served no purpose. 

His mind wasn’t able to handle the emotion as guilt, so it quickly bloomed into cold, black rage. Rage that coiled itself to strike. Although Freddie himself had been the one to pull the trigger, his rage focused itself at the deputy. Not only was he the real one he’d planned to shoot, but in Freddie’s mind it went beyond that. It was Deputy Greene’s fault that she was hurt. If he hadn’t let her push him out of the way, then this young woman wouldn’t be sitting on the floor bleeding. Without another word, he raised his gun and aimed it at the deputy. 

When he saw Freddie raise his gun, Josh instinctively pulled Donna’s face into his shoulder and held her against him to shield her. He knew what was coming next and, closing his eyes, he pressed his face against her hair. 

********** 

Sam and Ainsley stood there in continuing horror as they watched Freddie fire two rounds into the deputy’s chest. The sound of the shots came through the phone clearly enough that they reverberated through the room. They saw Josh continue to huddle with Donna as Freddie walked over to the deputy’s prone form and fired another shot into his head. He stood over the body for a moment, breathing heavily. His expression was unreadable when he turned and looked at Josh who’d glanced up at him when the shooting had stopped. 

Freddie spoke just loud enough to be heard over the phone. “I’m sorry,” he told Josh. “I really am. I never planned for her to get hurt.” 

Josh’s only response was to tighten his hold on Donna. 

Sam and Ainsley watched as Freddie then turned to Dr. Tillingham. “You have a new patient, doc. Get to work.” His expression grew hard. “But him,” he said, pointing at the fallen deputy. “Him, you don’t touch. And just so you’re not tempted...Nico, bring the doc the first-aid kit. Then you and Max, move the deputy over by his friend.” 

While Dr. Tillingham rushed forward to check Donna and the men complied with his commands, Freddie moved over to the bench and picked up the receiver where the deputy had left it. Sam and Ainsley turned back to Agent McIntire as Freddie began speaking into the receiver. 

“Since you heard all that I won’t waste your time with a recap,” Freddie told him. “Except to say we killed one of the hostages and in the process one of the other hostages was accidentally injured.” 

“Which of the hostages are we talking about?” Agent McIntire asked, even though he already knew. He’d asked the question so it wouldn’t occur to the gunmen that they could see into the courtroom. 

“That’s not important. What IS important is that the shootings were your fault and the fault of your superiors.” 

Agent McIntire knew it would be useless to try and argue that point so he tried something else. “Would you be willing to at least talk about releasing the injured hostage?” 

“No! Like everyone else, she stays! If you’d done as we asked she wouldn’t be injured in the first place!” Freddie told him. “Now that you know we’re serious, go back to whoever you’ve got to talk to and convince them to allow us to leave. You have another hour. If you fail again, next time two of the hostages will die.” With that he slammed the phone back into the cradle, disconnecting the call. 

Sam and Ainsley stood mutely in the doorway staring at Agent McIntire. 

The agent looked at them helplessly. “I’m sorry about your friend getting hurt, but my hands are tied. There’s nothing I can do. My superiors have said they won’t let them just walk out of there. It’s up to the tactical team now.” He paused. “And as the body count rises, the marshals are going to focus less on how to save the hostages and more on how they can permanently end this situation.” 


	6. Trial by Fire 6

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Dr. Tillingham took the first-aid kit from Nico and knelt down next to Josh who was still holding Donna protectively. “Hi, I’m Dr. Tillingham. I just want to help,” she told him gently. 

“I’m Josh. What can I do?” he asked. 

“Hold onto her for a minute so I can look for an exit wound.” Since she didn’t see any blood on Donna’s back she figured there wasn’t one but she had to check. 

Josh nodded. Holding her was something that he had no problem doing. The doctor pulled up the back of Donna’s sweater and scanned the area but didn’t see anything remarkable. “Okay, now I need her to lie down so I can examine her wound.” 

As much as Josh wanted to keep holding her, he knew that the best way to help her was to let the doctor do her job. “Donna?” he said gently. “The doctor wants to take a look at you. Can you lie down?” 

Donna whimpered softly in fear and pain. “Don’t leave me, Josh,” she begged as she gripped his jacket lapel in one of her bloody fists. The other hand was still pressed to her freely bleeding wound. In just the short time that he’d been holding her, blood from her wound had begun to stain his jacket and shirt. 

“I won’t, I swear,” he laid his hand on her pale cheek. “I’m going to be right here with you the whole time,” he replied. “But you need to let her help you.” Her hand slowly released it’s grip on his lapel, leaving behind a large bloody smear. He felt her body begin to relax in his arms and he eased her back onto the floor. 

“Donna?” Dr. Tillingham said. “I need to examine you, can you stretch out for me?” 

Donna’s body felt sluggish. “It hurts.” 

“I’m sorry, Donna, I know it does,” Dr. Tillingham said. “Josh, let’s gently straighten her out.” He carefully positioned Donna’s shoulders flat on the floor while the doctor took care of straightening her hips and legs. 

“Josh, could you hand me eight of those law books?” she asked, indicating the bookshelf behind him. “Try to get ones that are about the same thickness.” 

“Sure,” he said grabbing the books and handing them to her. She used four of them under each of Donna’s legs to elevate them slightly. It would hopefully help stave off shock. “Okay, Donna, I’m gonna need you to move your hand so I can look at the wound.” 

She seemed reluctant to comply so Josh had a suggestion. “Donna, give me your hand so she can have a look,” he said gently. 

Donna looked up at him for a long moment, her eyes full of pain but she did as he asked and finally lifted her hand from her wound and put it in his. It was impossible for him not to notice that her hand was slick with blood and that the air was filled with a slight coppery smell. He somehow managed to shove down both of those thoughts. He knew that if he didn’t he wasn’t going to be of any use to her. 

“Just squeeze my hand if it hurts,” he told her. “Wow!” he teased as she clamped down on his hand. The attempt at a light moment, was as much for his benefit as hers. “You’ve got quite the grip there, Donna.” He was glad to see her smile a little. 

Dr. Tillingham rolled up Donna’s blood-soaked sweater to expose her belly. The wound was on her left side, about an inch above her waist, half-way between her belly button and her hip. It was still bleeding pretty freely but there didn’t seem to be enough blood to indicate any hemorrhaging or major artery involvement. She palpated Donna’s abdomen and stomach to check for hardened areas that might indicate internal bleeding. Donna whimpered slightly when she pressed on a couple spots. 

“Sorry, Donna. I know this hurts but I’ve got to do it,” she said gently. She didn’t feel any rigidity but with the wound so fresh it might not have had time to develop. “I’ve got to clean the wound and then pack it with some gauze. It’s going to hurt a bit more but we’ve got to get the bleeding under control.” She looked up at Josh and noticed that he’d gone a bit green around the edges. “Not good with blood?” 

“That’s an understatement,” Donna managed with a wince. “He usually passes out.” 

Dr. Tillingham glanced from Donna to Josh and then back to Donna. “Well, I can’t have my nurse passing out on me, why don’t you talk to him and keep his mind occupied?” Josh gave her a grateful look. He realized that although talking to Donna would keep his mind off the blood, more importantly it would help keep Donna’s mind off of her injuries. 

“Okay,” Donna replied. She looked up at him as Dr. Tillingham began to clean her wound. “Why are you here? You weren’t supposed to be here.” 

Josh smiled at her. “I came to take you to lunch. I even brought Sam along so I’d be on my best behavior.” 

Her expression turned to concern. “Sam’s here too?” 

“In the building, yeah, not the courtroom. He was out in the hallway talking to Ainsley when I saw him last. I assume they’re both okay.” 

She relaxed a bit at that. “So why were you going to take me to lunch?” She paused, her gaze intent on his face. “You weren’t going to fire me, were you?” 

He thought she was joking. “Yeah, that’s it, I was going to take you to lunch so I could...” He trailed off when he noticed the frown in her expression and realized she was serious. “No, of course I wasn’t going to fire you, why would you think that?” 

Donna stared at the ceiling for a moment and then she looked back at him with tears in her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you to fire me since the thing with the diary,” she told him softly. It was something she hadn’t acknowledged, even to herself, until that moment. “And you have to admit, things have been weird between us lately,” she said through slightly gritted teeth as Dr. Tillingham cleaned her wound with some alcohol. “I thought maybe the jury was out on you firing me, no pun intended, and the weirdness pushed it over the top.” She let out a breath as the stinging from the alcohol subsided. ”Plus, with me being gone for the last week I thought maybe you figured out you could get by without me.” 

He was speechless for a moment. How could she think that? He squeezed her hand. “Donna, I knew from the first day you walked into my office in Nashua that I couldn’t get along without you. It never even crossed my mind to fire you.” 

She smiled tearfully. “Really?” 

“Yes, really. And if things have been weird between us lately it’s my fault,” he said honestly. “In fact, that’s the real reason I came over here to take you to lunch. I wanted to say I was sorry for what I said the other night in my office about you and the Republican gomer. I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I said it. I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you.” 

Her eyes clouded and she was quiet for a moment. “I deserved it. I know you hate me for what happened with the diary,” she said softly. “But I really am sorry.” She winced again Dr. Tillingham pressed a wad of gauze into the wound and applied pressure to try and stop the bleeding. 

He blinked. She thought he hated her? This was a day of revelations. “Donna, I need you to listen to me now. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. You’ve saved me literally and figuratively over and over again, including taking care of me for three months and being the one to see when I was drowning at Christmas.” He laid his free hand on her cheek. “I owe you everything.” 

She laid her other hand, the one that was also bloody but mostly dry since she’d been gripping his lapel in it, over top of his. “No, Josh, I’m the one who owes you. You gave me a job and a chance when you had no reason to, and you saved me when it could have cost you everything,” she said. She had to swallow hard around the enormous lump in her throat. “I really screwed things up with the diary. It was all my fault. It could have hurt you and...and our boss.” Remembering all the people in the room and how many ears were listening she avoided saying ‘The President.’ “If I hadn’t gotten involved with Cliff, none of it would have happened.” 

Josh looked down at her. He didn’t even see the blood on her hand this time, her touch was all he noticed. “I never blamed you for it, Donna.” 

“You should have,” she told him. “I blamed myself.” 

“I know you did. In fact I think you blamed yourself enough for both of us.” 

“But you were so angry....” 

“Yes, I was. I was angry because I was worried and scared for you and for our boss. That and I wanted to kill Cliff for putting you in that position.” He gave her a little smile, then sobered. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose and if you could have fixed it yourself you would have.” He paused. “I’m glad you came to me, Donna. I’m glad that you let me help you for a change.” 

She smiled up at him. “You’re the first one I turn to when I need help. I don’t care what CJ says, you’re my first call.” 

Before Josh could answer, Dr. Tillingham rolled Donna’s sweater back down and patted her on the shoulder. “How are you feeling, Donna? I’ll keep checking your dressing but I don’t have anything to give you for the pain.” 

“It’s okay,” she said. “The pain’s better. I just feel kind of weak and sluggish.” 

“Good,” Dr. Tillingham replied. There really wasn’t much else she could do or say. She turned to Josh. “Here, put out your hands,” she said holding up the bottle of alcohol. Josh held out his and Donna’s bloody hands. The doctor poured a small amount of the liquid over them to try and rinse off some of the blood. 

“Thanks,” he told her gratefully. He rubbed his hands over Donna’s as Dr. Tillingham poured a little bit more of the alcohol over them. Then he pulled a clean handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped off their hands as well as he could. 

“We should try and keep her as warm and comfortable as possible to guard against shock. Would you mind giving up your jacket, Josh?” she asked. 

“No, of course not,” he said, releasing Donna’s hand long enough to slide off his suit jacket. “You know, I’ve also got my wool coat. Would that help? It’s over in the gallery, probably still near the seat in the second row where I was sitting originally.” 

“I’ll get it,” she said. “Why don’t you fold up your jacket and put it under her head?” 

“Is it okay if I put her head in my lap first?” he asked, wanting to be as close to her as possible. 

“Actually, let’s leave her on the floor for now. Except for keeping her feet elevated, I’d like to keep her as flat as possible,” Dr. Tillingham said she stood up and walked to the gallery. She quickly located his dark brown wool coat, brought it back with her and spread it over Donna. It was long enough that it covered her from neck to knee. 

Josh positioned himself so he was sitting right next to Donna with his back against the railing of the jury box and her hand was nestled snugly in his. 

Now that she looked like she was comfortably settled, Dr. Tillingham brushed a stray hair out of Donna’s face. “Now, why don’t you try and lie quietly for a bit, Donna? I’m sure we’ll be out of here soon.” 

“It’s okay, Shannon. We live in the real world, you don’t need to lie to me,” Donna replied softly. 

Dr. Tillingham gave Josh a worried glance. “Just rest now, Donna,” she said quietly. 

And so the three of them, along with the entire courtroom, settled in to wait for the phone call that would decide their future. 

********** 

“Have we heard anything from Sam?” Jed asked Leo as he entered the Oval from his office. 

“No, not since the one hour mark passed. I’m expecting him to call anytime now. When he does, I told Margaret to direct the call here,” Leo replied. 

They both looked up as Ron walked through the door. The expression on his face told them something had changed. “What’s happened?” Jed asked. 

Ron was used to speaking difficult truths, but even for him, this was difficult to say. “Sir, I just spoke with Agent Jones, he’s one of the two agents I sent over to the courthouse.” 

“And?” Jed prompted. 

“And they were observing the courtroom surveillance feed during the call between the negotiator and the gunmen. The gunmen had the remaining bailiff, a deputy marshal named Daniel Greene, answer the phone. When he told the gunmen that the officials weren’t going to meet their demand and let them go, one of the leaders was ready to shoot the deputy.” 

“What do you mean ‘he was ready to’? What stopped them?” Leo asked. 

“Donna Moss, Sir,” Ron said. 

Jed frowned. “Donna? What do you mean? What did she do?” 

“She tried to talk the leader out of shooting the deputy,” Ron told them. “Agent Jones said that she was quite passionate and convincing in her argument.” 

“That’s not surprising, Ron, she’d had plenty of practice on Josh,” Leo said as he and Jed exchanged vaguely amused expressions. 

“So did Donna talk them out of shooting the deputy?” Jed asked. 

Ron’s expression remained grave. “No, Mr. President. The leader still fired at the deputy.” 

“Wait, what do you mean he ‘fired at the deputy’?” Jed asked. Ron’s expression was giving him a really bad feeling. “You mean he ‘shot the deputy’ don’t you?” 

“Yes and no, Sir. He fired but Donna pushed the deputy out of the way, presumably to save his life.” Ron let out a breath. “In the process, she was hit by the bullet instead. Then the leader put three shots into the deputy and killed him anyway.” 

“She’s been shot?” Jed said in disbelief. 

“Oh, my God,” Leo said. 

“How is she?” 

“There’s no way to know for sure, Mr. President. But any time a gunshot wound is involved the situation is serious. When Agent Jones called me a few minutes ago it appeared that she was alive and conscious. She was shot once in the torso, apparently somewhere near her waist.” He paused for a moment. “The courthouse sent us over a list of the people who were originally present in the courtroom for the trial, including the jury, the judge and the court staff. One of the jurors is a Dr. Shannon Tillingham. She’s a pediatrician but it appears that the gunmen have pressed her into service, first to treat their own men and now to treat Donna.” 

Leo and Jed sat quietly for a moment as they took it all in. “CHARLIE!” Jed finally yelled. 

The young black man appeared in the doorway. “Yes, Sir?” 

“Could you have CJ and Toby to join us? Oh, and give my wife a call, I’d like her here as well.” Charlie nodded and disappeared into the outer office to make the calls. 

“Ron, can we get tape of the surveillance feed?” Leo asked. 

“Yes, everything’s being recorded. But I want to warn you both that it will probably be difficult to watch.” 

“Well, as difficult as it might be for us to watch it, it’s 100 times more difficult for Josh and Donna and the rest of the people in the courtroom to have to go through it,” Jed replied. 

Ron nodded, “I’ll have Agent Jones send over a tape of it right away.” 

“How’s Josh doing?” Leo asked. 

“Physically he’s fine. Other than that, we don’t know for sure.” The Secret Service was well aware of Josh’s PTSD. “He’s with Donna and according to Agent Jones he seems focused on taking care of her, which is a good sign.” Ron paused for a moment. “You should know that he disregarded his own safety to make a beeline right for her when she was shot.” 

“I would expect nothing less from Josh where she’s concerned,” Jed said softly. 

“I’ll tell CJ to pull the Impervious Contingency out of moth balls just in case,” Leo replied. 

Jed nodded thoughtfully. “What’s the next step, Ron?” 

“Agent Jones indicated that the gunmen have given the negotiator an additional hour to meet their demand. If they still don’t comply the gunmen have vowed to kill two hostages.” 

“How’s the tactical plan coming?” Leo asked. 

“Slowly, but apparently they’re now looking into a couple of different sedation agents they can introduce into the courtroom.” 

“They’re going to try and put them to sleep?” Jed asked with a frown. “That would actually work?” 

Ron nodded. “That combined with an all out assault would be the plan with the best chance of succeeding. The marshals have stopped the ventilation into the courtroom and they think they can run small hoses through the duct work leading inside as well as under the doors. Once everyone is unconscious or at least sluggish enough to slow their reaction times, the assault teams will break down the doors.” 

“I’m sensing a rather large ‘but’ coming,” Jed said. 

“Yes, Mr. President. The problem is that the courtroom is large enough it will take some time to fill it with enough agent to do any good. At least two hours. They can’t just flood the room with the agent because they’d risk suffocating everyone rather than just knocking them out. There’s an even further risk when you factor in the possibility that some in the courtroom may be more sensitive or even allergic to the agent and they could suffer a respiratory collapse by inhaling it. It would also have different rates of effectiveness as determined by body size, respiratory health and so on.” 

Jed nodded. “Won’t they be able to smell the gas?” 

“No, the agent they’re looking at using is odorless and colorless,” Ron replied. 

“Just where are they getting this marvel of modern anesthesia?” 

Ron looked at him for a moment. “The CIA.” 

Jed gave him a side-long glance, “Do I want to know more about this miracle agent? Like exactly where it came from or what the CIA has been using it for?” 

“No, Sir, I don’t believe you do,” Ron answered. 

“Didn’t think so.” 

“Is the agent combustible, Ron?” Leo asked. 

“In high enough concentrations it can be. But in the concentration they’re planning to use for this situation, it’s unlikely.” 

“Unlikely, but not impossible?” Jed put in. 

“Yes, Sir. There is a risk.” 

Jed was quiet for a moment. “As there is in all things,” he said quietly. 

Just then, a knock sounded on the door. A moment later it opened and in walked CJ and Toby. “You wanted to see us, Sir,” CJ asked. 

“Yes, come in,” Jed told her. “Tell Charlie to come in as well.” 

As CJ stood in the doorway and asked Charlie to join them, Abbey walked into the outer office. “Hey, CJ.” 

“Hello, Mrs. Bartlet,” she said, standing aside to let Abbey and Charlie pass. 

“What’s going on, Jed?” she asked as CJ closed the door behind them. “Terri said you needed to see me,” she replied, referring to Terri Anders, her current Chief of Staff. 

Jed looked at Leo and Ron and then back at the four of them. “I think you’d better all sit down, we’ve got some news about the situation at the courthouse.” 

CJ and Toby exchanged unreadable glances. Charlie frowned, knowing from the President’s expression that the news wasn’t good. Abbey, not having been told about Josh and Donna’s involvement, looked a little confused. “I was just watching the coverage about the hostage situation on the news. What’s going on? And how does it involve us?” she asked. 

Jed sighed. She was going to be mad that he hadn’t brought her into the loop sooner. “Sit down, Abbey and I’ll take things from the top.” 

********** 

“Sam,” Ainsley said in exasperation. “Could you please stop pacing? You’re giving me a headache.” 

He stopped and stared at her. He was right on the edge of losing his composure and unfortunately Ainsley was the closest target. “What would you have me do, Ainsley?!” he demanded. “We’ve still got 45 minutes to wait to see if they live or die! You wanna play cards or charades or how about Twenty Questions?! Pacing is what I do when I have to wait with nothing else to do. Hell, it’s all Josh’s fault anyway, he....” His voice trailed off, leaving a tormented grimace on his face and a slump to his shoulders. 

Ainsley knew he was upset and that it was the situation, and not her, he was mad at. “He what, Sam?” she said gently. 

Sam raised his eyes to meet hers. When he spoke, his voice was quiet with emotion. “He’s the one I picked up the pacing from. Josh paces like a maniac.” Suddenly exhausted, he slumped into the chair next to her. “During the campaign he used to pace while he talked and so I had to learn to do the same thing just to keep up with him.” 

“I have noticed he always seem to be in motion,” Ainsley agreed. 

“I don’t remember him pacing so much when we first knew each other,” Sam said absently. 

“When was that?” Ainsley asked. 

Sam shook himself. “What? Oh, we were both working on The Hill. He was working in the House as the Chief of Staff for Earl Brennan and I was working as a congressional aide. We bonded over a lot of late nights, a few beers and really bad coffee.” 

“I knew Josh had worked in the House and the Senate but I had no idea you’d worked in the House too, Sam,” Ainsley told him. Her voice was tinged in admiration. 

“Yeah, I was there for almost 2 years and then I got the offer from Gage Whitney and I moved to New York. I’d been there for about 7 years when Josh came to see me and eventually drafted me for the campaign.” 

“You ever miss being at Gage?” she asked. 

“No,” Sam said as he stared down at the table and its fake wood laminate top. “I mean the money and the prestige at Gage were great, but here....” He looked at her, his eyes were a little darker blue than usual but no less vivid. “Here I can make a difference. A real difference.” He looked back down at the table. “Even if it is just by being a Presidential speech writer.” 

Ainsley laid her hand on his arm. “Sam, you’re not just any speech writer, you’re an amazing speech writer and that’s something to be proud of. You’ve written things that.....” her voice trailed off as her throat closed up a bit. 

He pulled his gaze from the table to look at her. “What?” Suddenly it was very important for him to know what she thought about his writing. 

For a moment it seemed like she wasn’t going to answer him, but then she smiled softly. “You’ve written things that make me proud to know you and even prouder to be an American and part of this Administration.” Her smile widened. “And given the fact I’m a Republican that’s really saying something.” She was pleased to see that got a small smile out of him. “Besides, you know as well as I do that you’re a lot more than just a speech writer to the President. You’re one of his most trusted advisors.” 

“Thanks,” he said. Then, as Sam so often did when he was showered with praise, he played his humble card and shrugged it off. He sat there quietly for a few moments, still staring blankly at the table. 

“You know as good as my pacing is, there are still times I can’t keep up with Josh,” he finally said. “There’s only one person I know who can and that’s Donna.” He paused for a long moment. “She told me once that she thinks he walks so fast because he goes through every day worried that somebody he cares about is going to die and it's going to be his fault.” 

He looked over at her again. “She has to be okay, Ainsley, she has to. If she dies at least part of Josh will go with her.” 

“She will be, Sam,” Ainsley told him with conviction as she gripped his arm tighter. “They both will. You just have to keep believing that. Don’t give up on them yet.” 

The room grew quiet. Ainsley turned and stared at his profile for a moment, trying to think of a way to help him hold it together. “You know what you need, Sam?” 

He blinked at her in confusion. “What?” 

She reached down and picked up her briefcase. Setting it on the table, she opened it and pulled something out of the top pouch. “Food. It’s past lunch time and you need some food.” Laying the Snickers candy bar on the table she carefully removed the wrapper, tore the bar in two and offered him a half. 

In spite of the situation and his mood, he smiled and shook his head. “Ainsley, do you ever stop eating?” 

She grinned. “I have a high metabolism and I get hypoglycemic when I don’t eat. Makes me very cranky.” She took a bite from her half. “And believe me when I say you do not want to see me when I’m cranky,” she said around the mouthful of chocolate, nuts, nougat and caramel. 

“A hungry, cranky, often brilliant, leggy, blonde Republican? Now that’s a recipe for disaster if ever I’ve heard one,” he replied as she shot him a dirty look. 

She waved his half of the candy bar at him. “Are you going to take this or not?” 

He turned serious again. “Okay, Ainsley, look, here’s the thing. I’m worried about Josh and Donna, I still haven’t called Leo to give him an update, and I don’t think that now is the time to be thinking about my stomach. In fact I’m pretty sure my stomach is the least of my...mfh...” His speech was cut short when she shoved the end of his half of the candy bar into his mouth. 

“Thank God,” she muttered as he blinked at her in surprise. “Peace and quiet at last.” They both chewed quietly for a moment. “You know, Sam, you’re not the only one that’s worried about them,” she began. “Even though I know he hates Republicans on principle, Josh has been nothing but professional and nice to me since I came to the White House and when the other assistants treated me like I was the enemy, Donna went out of her way to be friendly and make me feel welcome. I may not be as close to them as you are, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.” 

Sam looked at her and saw the shadow of worry in her blue eyes. A shadow, that up until then, he’d been too self-absorbed with his own worry to see. He swallowed his bite of candy bar. “You’re right, Ainsley. I’m sorry.” 

“Apology accepted,” she said with a quiet smile. “Now eat the rest of your candy bar. You’ll feel better.” 


	7. Trial by Fire 7

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Back in the courtroom, things were much more subdued than before. Some kind of corner had definitely been turned. They all recognized that the situation was very serious and it was likely that some of them were not going to leave the courtroom alive. Even the gunmen were sitting quietly and when they did speak to each other, it was in hushed tones. 

But Josh didn’t notice. His eyes were solely on Donna. He watched as she laid still and silent in his lap. Her eyes where closed but he could see from the rise and fall of her chest she was breathing evenly enough. After Dr. Tillingham had changed the bandage on her still seeping wound last time, Donna had been a little restless, so he’d laid his semi-clean and dry hand gently on her head and he’d begun to run his hand over her hair. His simple action, coupled with the exhaustion she had to be feeling, had apparently been enough to soothe her into a light, dozing sleep at least for a few minutes. 

Now, although she was asleep, he still continued run his hand slowly over her hair. Maybe he was doing it out of a need to soothe himself as much as her. He didn’t know. He just knew it felt like the right thing to do. It occurred to him that he’d always wanted to touch her hair but he’d never had the chance. It always looked so silky and soft. He’d wondered what it felt like. The reality of it was even better than he’d expected. 

He acknowledged to himself that there’d been so many things he’d wanted to do...so many things he’d wanted to tell her. Things that came to him at night when it was quiet or when sunlight would hit her face just right or when she’d smile in that amazing away she had. Things that touched some deep hidden place inside him. 

As if that thought had opened a Pandora’s Box, thoughts of her began to tumble through his mind. 

Their friendship had never been in question. To put it simply, she was his best friend. Even more so than Sam. She saw so many parts of him, so much that he never allowed anyone to see, both good and bad, and yet she’d stayed, even when he’d treated her badly. But beyond their friendship, his feelings for her had always been just below the surface. Just under the radar. Buried just deep enough he could ignore them. Something to acknowledge was there but never to look at very closely. Unexplored. Unexamined. Unrealized. 

How like him to see it now when he was faced with the very real possibility that he could lose her forever. 

He knew most people saw him as the big, bad political operative. Bartlet’s pit bull. The deal-closer. The guy who got things done and people elected. But the truth was, when it came to matters of his own heart, he was inept. In fact, he was worse than inept, he was a coward. He didn’t know what made him hold back. That was something else he hadn’t let himself look at too closely. 

‘It’s my fault this happened,’ he thought. She’d asked him for help getting out of jury duty and he hadn’t been able to see past his own problems to find a way to help her. From the day they’d met, she’d done nothing but support him, help him, challenge him, and make him laugh, yet when she’d asked for his help he’d let her down. This was the result. 

Slowly, Donna swam up through the lethargy that had descended upon her like a blanket. Her body felt leaden, almost like she was being held down. She supposed that thought should have panicked her but the soft, gentle touch on her head was keeping her oddly calm. Her eyes fluttered open and she found Josh’s warm brown eyes staring down at her. She figured out then that it was his touch on her head that was keeping her calm. His expression looked liked he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

“Hey,” he said giving her a little smile. 

“Hey,” she replied. “Did I miss anything?” 

“Not really,” he said with a shake of his head. “Oh, except for the circus parade that went through here,” he told her. “There were balloons and a brass band and animals and clowns. It was great.” 

“You’re afraid of clowns.” 

He found it oddly comforting that she knew that. “Well, I just closed my eyes when they went by.” 

“Sorry, I missed it,” she said with a tired smile. 

“Ah, it’s okay. You needed your rest. There’ll be other parades,” he said, praying he was right. Was it just his imagination, or was her skin getting even more pale than before? And he didn’t remember the fine sheen of perspiration that had begun to dampen her skin being there before. 

“Will you take me?” 

“Sure. I’ll even buy you some popcorn.” 

“Popcorn’s good,” she replied. 

He watched her for a moment and tried to keep the lump out of his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t help you get out of jury duty when you asked me.” 

“Don’t do that, Josh,” she told him, knowing exactly what was going through his head right about then. 

“What?” he said with a frown. 

“Stop blaming yourself.” 

“But if I’d...” he began. 

“No, Josh, it’s not your fault,” she said tiredly. “There’s no way you could have known. It was jury duty. Who gets hurt at jury duty?” Feeling the lethargy pulling at her again, she paused and managed a little smile. “Well, except for being bored to death, that is.” 

He appreciated her trying to bring the banter to make him feel better. “I thought boring you to death was my job?” 

Generously provided by the coat that was spread over her, the scent of him surrounded her comfortingly. Lulled by that and the continued feeling of his hand stroking her head, her eyes slid closed again. “You are many things, Josh, but boring is not one of them,” she said softly. 

He smiled at that and was happy to see that she was going to go to sleep again. 

More out of habit than anything else, Donna started to shift to find a comfortable position. It was then that she made a startling and terrifying discovery. 

“Josh?” she said urgently as she opened her eyes again. 

“Yeah?” 

“Something’s wrong. I can’t feel my legs.” It was taking everything she had not to panic. 

Right about then, Josh was doing enough panicking for both of them. His head snapped up from Donna to look at Dr. Tillingham who’d gone back to her seat in the jury box. “Doctor?” he almost squeaked. 

The urgency in his voice had Dr. Tillingham quickly climbing down from the jury box to kneel next to Donna. “What’s wrong?” 

“She can’t feel her legs,” he told her with quiet urgency. 

Dr. Tillingham looked at Josh for a moment and then down at her. “Donna, I know it’s scary but I need you to be calm." She placed her hand on Donna’s shoulder comfortingly. “If you’re not calm and don’t lie very still, you could make things worse.” She paused. “Now, how’s the pain from the gunshot wound?” she asked as she pulled Josh’s coat off Donna and set it aside. The renewed sight of the large, slowly drying blood stain on her pink sweater and gray slacks was a vivid reminder of the seriousness of Donna’s injuries. 

“It’s better,” Donna replied. “It’s still there but it’s weird....I don’t quite know how to describe it. It feels a little tingly....like hot pins and it feels a bit...disconnected.” 

“Okay, good description, Donna. Can you try and move your legs for me?” 

Donna concentrated and tried with all her might to do as she asked. 

“Come on, Donna. Try hard,” Dr. Tillingham encouraged her. 

She kept trying but it was no use. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” Donna replied with tears of frustration pooling in her eyes. 

“It’s okay. Don’t cry,” Josh told her softly as he squeezed her hand. 

“He’s right, Donna. You need to stay calm now and answer my questions,” Dr. Tillingham told her. “Now let’s check out a couple of things.” She moved down by her feet and slid off Donna’s shoes. “Now I want you to keep your eyes on Josh and tell me when you feel something.” 

By having Donna look at Josh, Dr. Tillingham could be sure that her reactions or non-reactions would be real and not just imagined. Plus, although she didn’t know what kind, these two had some kind of relationship and they were keeping each other from going over the edge. That was not only better for them but made life easier for her. 

Of course, that was also the moment that Freddie decided to take an interest in what was going on. “What are you doing?” he asked walking up to her. 

“I’m just examining my patient,” she replied calmly. “Is there a problem with that?” 

Freddie looked at her for a moment. “No. I was just curious.” 

“Well, I don’t really have time for curious, so if you could stay back and let me work, I’d appreciate it.” Freddie continued to look at her. The he glanced at Donna and with a nod he stepped back. 

Dr. Tillingham continued on with her examination. Starting at the big toes, she made her way up each of Donna’s legs lightly pinching and pressing her fingernail against them. Donna was silent the entire time. 

“I’m ready to start whenever you are, Shannon,” Donna finally said with a little impatience in her voice. 

Dr. Tillingham and Josh exchanged worried glances. “Okay, Donna, just hang on for few more minutes. Keep looking at Josh and let me know if you feel anything.” 

“Okay,” Donna said as she stared helplessly into Josh eyes and gripped his hand tightly. 

He was staring back at her, his eyes carefully neutral. “You’re doing fine, Donna,” he told her. How he was managing to keep the worry out of his voice he didn’t know, because inside, he was terrified for her. 

Although she already suspected what she was going to find, Dr. Tillingham continued pressing and poking along Donna’s hips and abdomen. Still no response from Donna. She revisited some of the same areas that she had palpated earlier. Areas where Donna had winced or whimpered when she’d pressed before, now provoked no response. 

Even more disturbing was the fact that where she’d felt no rigidity earlier, Dr. Tillingham now felt a slight hardening in the area just below Donna’s belly button. As she’d feared earlier Donna was most likely bleeding internally. It was likely a slow bleed, but with each minute that passed, the situation became more and more critical. 

When she neared the gunshot wound, suddenly Donna responded. “Wait, it think I felt something. Do it again.” Dr. Tillingham pressed her thumbnail into the same spot just to the right of the wound. “Yes, I felt that,” Donna said. “But it feels weird.” 

“Define weird,” Dr. Tillingham asked her. 

“Like I said before, it feels tingly...disconnected. Like when your leg’s asleep and it starts to wake up.” 

“Okay,” Dr. Tillingham replied as she moved to the area above the wound. 

“I can feel that,” Donna said. 

“Does it still feel weird?” 

“No, it feels normal.” 

“Good. That’s good,” she told her. As Dr. Tillingham continued to palpate the area between the wound and Donna’s bust line, Donna indicated that she had normal feeling there. Then she checked the bandage on Donna’s wound. The blood seeping from the wound seemed to be slowing a bit. 

After changing the bandage and cleaning her hands a bit, Dr. Tillingham sat back on her heels next to Donna and wiped the sweat off her forehead. Her examination had revealed that for the most part, Donna had no feeling or movement below the gunshot wound. The inch or so right above and below the wound had patchy, minimal feeling and from there up she had normal feeling. She looked at Donna, trying to think of the best way to tell her. 

“Okay, Donna. How much sugar coating do you want?” she asked quietly. 

Donna looked at her and then back to Josh. He gave her a tiny nod of encouragement and she looked back to her again. “Tell me the truth. No sugar.” 

“Okay,” she began. “The good news is that gunshot wound isn’t bleeding quite so much.” She didn’t mention the part about the suspected internal bleeding. For now, there was nothing that could be done about it anyway. “As for your legs, without x-rays or a CT scan or even a bullet exit wound, I don’t know exactly where the bullet is or what damage it’s done. From your symptoms, I’m guessing that the bullet is very near your spine. There’s probably some swelling that’s causing your paralysis.” 

Donna swallowed and tried to remember to breathe. “Will it be permanent?” 

“I just don’t know, Donna. That’s the truth. If it’s being caused by swelling there’s every chance that you’ll regain full feeling and function when the bullet is removed and the swelling goes down.” 

Donna voiced the words that Josh couldn’t. “And if it’s something else?” 

“The fact that you had at least some feeling when I first examined you is a good sign.” She paused. “Beyond that, we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it,” she said gently as she re-covered Donna with Josh’s coat. “Right now the best thing you can do is to concentrate on lying still and rest. That’s your job.” She stood up and looked down at Josh. “And your job is to help her.” 

Josh nodded and watched as the doctor stood and walked slowly over to Freddie. 

“Josh?” Donna’s quiet voice drifted up to him. 

“Yeah?” he asked looking back down at her. 

“I’m scared,” she said with renewed tears in her eyes. 

Josh had to swallow back some tears of his own. He had to keep it together. If he lost it, she’d lose it. “I know you are,” he said as he began stroking her head again. “But I’m right here with you. And you heard what she said. There’s every chance that once they remove the bullet you’re going to be fine.” 

She stared at him for a minute. “There’s one thing you’re forgetting.” 

“What’s that?” he asked with a frown. 

“We have to get out of here first.” 

He let out a breath. “Hey, as I recall, worrying is not your job right now, remember? Right now your job is to lie still and rest. Believe me when I say I’ll be worrying enough for both of us.” He tried to give her a smile. “And you know what a good worrier I am.” 

********** 

As Dr. Tillingham walked over to Freddie and Ramon, she didn’t know quite what she was going to say but she needed to plead her case. She needed to try and do something. 

“What do you want?” Ramon said as he saw her approach. 

She took a breath and tried to calm her pounding heart. Hopefully her voice would sound calmer and more confident than she was feeling inside. “I’d like to talk to you,” she said glancing from Ramon to Freddie. “To both of you.” Ramon struck her as someone she’d do well to avoid if at all possible. She felt like Freddie would be her best bet. So keeping her eyes trained on him, she began. 

“She’s hurt really badly. She needs to be in a hospital.” 

Ramon snorted. “Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious.” 

Freddie looked at her, a shadow of sympathy in his eyes. “I’m sorry, doc, but she can’t leave.” 

“Please,” she begged. Then she lowered her voice. “She’s got some spinal damage and some internal bleeding. Every moment we wait the worse it becomes. There’s nothing more that I can do for her here. Please...just her, no one else. We could have your men drag her into the hallway and....” 

“And they’d be sitting ducks for the Feds!!!” Ramon argued. 

“Okay, then what about having two of the hostages drag her out there?” she suggested. 

“And risk them getting away too?!” Ramon demanded 

“Please...” she begged Freddie. “I’ll drag her out there myself, I promise not to try and get away. I swear on my life I won’t. I’ll do anything you want. If she stays, she could die....” 

“NO!” Ramon yelled, making everyone in the courtroom jump. He didn’t like the way she kept addressing Freddie and not him. HE was the one in charge, not Freddie. “Don’t you hear, bitch! She stays!” 

“I’m sorry, doc,” Freddie said quietly. “Even though I believe you when you say that you wouldn’t try and get away, we can’t let her go. If we let even one person go it weakens our position.” He glanced over to where Josh and Donna were. “Do what you can for her, but she has to stay.” 


	8. Trial by Fire 8

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Donna fought against the tiny weights that seemed to be holding down her eyelids. She’d originally closed her eyes more because she’d been too tired to keep them open than out of any real desire to sleep. But now she felt like she needed little crowbars to open them again. 

Her mind, although admittedly a bit sluggish, was definitely the most energetic part of her. So energetic in fact, thoughts had been chasing through her head like fallen leaves on an autumn evening. 

Paralyzed...she was paralyzed. And it might or might not be a permanent condition. If it was permanent it would have any number of implications for how she lived her life. The very idea of it was so big she was having trouble getting her mind around it. 

For some reason it seemed to be easier to think about the fact that there was a very real possibility she was going to die before she had to worry about being paralyzed. Oddly, the thought didn’t bother her nearly as much as she would have expected. It wasn’t that she wanted to die. Quite the opposite, although her life wasn’t perfect and there were a lot of things she still wanted to do, she liked what she was doing and where her life was going. In fact, the last three years while she was working on the campaign and at the White House had been the best time in her life. 

Maybe it was just a case of dying being easier. If that made her a coward, then so be it. But she wouldn’t have to deal with being paralyzed and it wasn’t like she had much keeping her there. No husband. No children. And her relationship with her parents and her two sisters was spotty as best. 

She wasn’t going to go looking for death, but if death was coming for her then she’d like to face it with some kind of dignity. 

And Josh...well...she’d meant it when she said that she owed him everything, but he would be fine without her. 

On the work front he’d be able to find someone else to answer his phone and bellow at without too much trouble. 

As for the personal front, although she and Josh were friends, in Donna’s mind, best friends, and Josh would probably miss her friendship in the beginning, he had Sam, CJ and Toby. Donna knew she could trust the three of them too look after him. There was also no denying the fact that Josh had Amy now, even if she was all wrong for him. 

But Lord she would miss him. 

At least she guessed she would, depending on where she found herself...afterward. Even though she’d never been especially religious, she’d always thought that you went somewhere when you died. Always believed that it wasn’t just fade-to-black nothingness. And if there was something more...something after, Donna knew without a doubt she would miss Josh when she got there. 

Inevitably her mind turned to regrets. Things she’d done but would like to change or take back. Things she’d never had the chance to do. 

She wished she’d never met Kevin, aka Dr. Freeride. Regretted that she’d never finished her college degree. Wished she’d tried harder to cultivate a better relationship with her family. Wanted to take back the moment she’d told Ainsley it would be okay for Cliff to call her or at the very least she wished she’d thought to hide her diary. A diary that was full of thoughts of Josh and the story of them. She didn’t regret the diary, she only regretted that its existence had been exposed. 

She’d never made it to Hawaii. Or Australia. Heck, she’d never even been to Disney World. She’d also missed out on having children, especially dark eyed, curly-brown haired children. That thought made her pause. It wasn’t so much that she wanted to have children on principle. She wanted to have Josh’s children. 

Josh.... 

Maybe he was her biggest regret. Although she didn’t regret knowing him or being his friend or being there to support him in and outside of work, she regretted that there had never been anything more - even if it had just been the chance to explore the possibility that there COULD have been something more. She also regretted that she’d never told him how she felt about him. 

Would it be fair to tell him now? Now, when it wouldn’t make any difference? Well, no difference...except maybe to her. She wanted to tell him. Wanted to say the words. Wanted him to know. 

Part of her had always wanted to tell him, but she’d been afraid. Afraid of what he’d say and afraid of what others would say. She was worried that it might be a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’ and that the reality of a relationship with him wouldn’t be what she’d envisioned. On the flip side of that argument, what if it turned out to be everything she’d dreamed of, but she still manage to find a way to screw it up? How could she deal with that? In the back of her mind, she’d also worried that she’d be just another girl he’d bump into sideways and then wait to break up with. Her biggest fear was that in the end even their friendship would be lost. 

So, maybe now would be the perfect time to tell him. She wouldn’t be around long enough to have to worry about things turning out badly between them. And, maybe most of all, she wouldn’t have long to see the regret and pity in his eyes when he told her he didn’t have feelings for her beyond friendship. 

An unbidden tear slid out from between her lashes. But before it got too far, she felt his thumb gently brush it away. 

“Hey, how you doin’ in there?” she heard him say gently. 

She dug deep and managed to find enough strength to finally pry her eyes open. “Hi.” If she was going to tell him, it would have to be soon. If she closed her eyes she didn’t think she’d have the energy to open them again. 

He was smiling and frowning a bit at the same time. “You okay?” 

“Yes.” 

“You’re not in pain or anything?” 

“No, I’m okay,” she told him softly. 

“Then why were you crying?” 

She tried to smile reassuringly. “Does one tear count as crying?” 

Staring down at her, he searched her face for a moment. “No, I guess not.” He laid his hand on her cheek. “But I know one tear counts as too many.” 

A huge lump formed in her throat. That was about the sweetest thing he’d ever said to her. 

“So why were you ‘not’ crying?” he asked her with a little smile. 

Taking a slow breath, she swallowed the lump. “Just thinking.” 

“I thought you were sleeping,” he said. 

“My brain doesn’t seem to want to turn off,” she explained. 

“You need your rest.” 

Time was running out and she didn’t feel up to arguing with him about resting or not resting. “I was just thinking about all the things I’ve never done,” she replied. 

He looked at her, his eyes suddenly unreadable. “Don’t,” he told her. A little anger slipped into his voice before he could stop it. 

She was surprised and confused by his response. “What?” 

“You’re giving up.” When she didn’t argue the point he squeezed her hand. “You can’t give up, Donna. “ 

“I’m not giving up, Josh.” She looked at him with tired eyes. “I’m being realistic. We both know that I’m dying,” she said softly as she squeezed his hand back. “It’s okay...” 

“No, it’s no okay!” he said in a low but heated voice. “You can’t die!” 

“Oh, Josh...you know that’s not true.” She let out a breath. “But, it’s okay,” she repeated. “I’m not scared anymore.” 

“Well, that makes one of us.” Josh said. Then he swore softly and looked up at the ceiling to try and control the emotion raging through him. He looked back down at her pale face. It was even more damp than before from the perspiration that Dr. Tillingham told him was a normal physical response to stress and traumatic injury. Plus, Josh had figured out that they’d turned off the ventilation in the room and the room was getting warm and stuffy. “How can you possibly not be scared?” he asked her. “Everyone in the room is scared.” 

She gripped his hand. “I’m not scared because you’re here with me.” 

Josh blinked. Now it was his turn to have a huge lump in his throat and he felt his eyes sting with unshed tears. He had absolutely no response to that. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you at Rosslyn,” she said. That was a regret that hadn’t even occurred to her earlier. But she did regret that Josh had been alone when he’d been shot. If Toby hadn’t found him, or had found him just a few minutes later....he might not be with her now. She shivered, or at least the upper part of her body shivered slightly, at the thought. 

He frowned. “You cold?” 

“No. I’m okay.” 

He looked at her for a moment like he was going to press her but then he apparently decided against it. “You know, when I first met with Stanley at Christmas last year I told him that I didn’t remember anything about the shooting from the time I walked out of the building to when I woke up in the hospital. And at the time, that was true, but over the course of the therapy I’ve had since then, I’ve remembered bits and pieces - nothing more than snippets really.” 

He paused. “One of the things I remembered was that I was glad you weren’t there. When the shots began, and before it really sank in I’d been shot, my first thought was, ‘Where’s Donna? Is she okay?’ Then I remembered that you were at home and safe. As much as your presence would have been a comfort to me that night, I was so relieved you weren’t there.” 

Like a tennis match, the lump had moved from his throat back to hers. 

“Besides, you were there when it counted,” he told her. “First, in the hospital, then when I was recovering at home, and at Christmas when I was coming apart. You were always there.” 

She gave his hand a squeeze as tears swam in her eyes. The phrase, ‘thankful for small favors’ went through her head. Donna was thankful that she still had feeling in her hands, so she could at least feel his hand holding hers. It occurred to her that it was only the second time since they’d known each other that they’d held hands. 

The other time had been in the emergency room on Christmas Eve. While they had stitched up his right hand, she’d held his left one in both of hers. She still remembered the feeling of his hand gripping hers like a lifeline. 

“I guess we’ve been there for each other when it counted,” she told him quietly. She gave him a long look. “How are you dong? This must be hard for you.” 

He frowned. “You’re worried about me? You’re laying there injured and you’re worried about me?” He couldn’t hold back the note of disbelief and maybe, just a touch of wonder. 

“I always worry about you, Josh,” she said softly. “I love you.” 

Josh blinked at her in stunned surprise. Unless he was mistaken his heart had just stopped. “You...what did you just say?” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you like that.” 

“Say it again.” 

“I’m sorry....” she began. 

“No, before that,” Josh said with a shake of his head. “Say what you said before that.” 

Donna frowned at him as she tried to figure out what he was trying to get her to say. Then she realized what he meant. “I don’t know if I can. The first time was hard enough.” 

His heart went from stopped to beating furiously in a flash. “Please?” 

She looked at him closely. The pity and the regret she’d expected to see were absent from his eyes. In fact, what she was seeing in the depths of his eyes was the polar opposite of those emotions. He’d never looked at her in quite that way before. 

“I love you,” she repeated softly. 

He looked at her for a moment and saw the uncertainty in her eyes. “You love me like a friend or you love me like you’re in love with me?” 

“The second one,” she replied. 

“How long have you felt like this?” 

“A long time,” she said. “I realized it the night you were shot. When Toby told me you’d been hit and it was critical, I thought the world had ended. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. 

“I couldn’t,” she said apologetically, begging him to understand. “When you were recovering all of your strength had to go toward getting better.” She paused. “There was also the fact that I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me and it would look bad if anyone thought your assistant was pining after you.” 

He remembered his earlier thoughts about his feelings for her. The ones that had always been just below the surface and he’d never looked at too closely. ‘She’s wrong,’ he thought. He did feel the same way. It had just taken him being backed into this corner and faced with the possibility of losing her to make him see it. 

Donna, unaware of the thoughts going through his mind, gave his hand a squeeze. “I also didn’t want my feelings to ruin our friendship.” She let out a tired breath. “But I guess it doesn’t matter now. I just didn’t want to die without telling you.” 

“It does matter and you’re not going to die,” he insisted. “You can’t just tell me you love me and then die. I won’t have it, Donna.” 

That made her smile. “You won’t have it? God, Josh, sometimes your ego really is enormous,” she teased him. “What, do you have power over life and death now?” 

“You’re not going to die,” he insisted, ignoring her comment. “And you’re wrong. I do have feelings for you. I’ve had feelings for you ever since the day you walked into my office in New Hampshire and hired yourself. And they go way beyond the feelings a boss has for his assistant. And they go beyond the feelings a friend has for another friend. Donna, you know how inept I am with relationships. Call me blind, call me stupid.” He paused. “Call me a coward. But I just never allowed myself to see what was right in front of me the whole time.” 

She searched his face, trying to find out if he meant what he was saying. She wanted to believe him, wanted to believe what she was hearing. He’d said he had feelings for her, strong feelings even, but he hadn’t come right out and said he loved her. Something in her wouldn’t let go of the idea that he hadn’t said it because he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear. “Josh...” she began. “It’s okay. You can tell me the truth. You don’t need to lie to me because you think it’s going to make my last moments happy. Having you here is enough to accomplish that.” 

“I’m not lying,” he said feeling equal parts of fear and frustration. Fear that she was slipping away from him. Frustration that she didn’t believe him. “Don’t you see? You have to live so I have a chance to prove it to you.” 

“What about Amy?” she said quietly. The words made her heart hurt because it reminded her that no matter what either of their feelings were, he was with someone else now. 

He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. What about Amy? What had she been to him? More importantly, what was she to him now? One thing he knew for sure was that he couldn’t see his life without Donna in it, but he couldn’t say the same for Amy. If he took every scrap of feeling he’d had for Amy and he piled it next to every scrap of feeling he had for Donna, Amy’s pile would be about the size of Volkswagen Bug and Donna’s would be about the size of fully loaded semi-truck. 

“I’m not sure what I’d call the thing with Amy,” he said honestly. 

“Ensorcellment?” Donna suggested. She’d heard him used the term once when he’d been talking to Sam about Amy. 

“Yeah, I guess,” he smiled. 

“Do you love her?” she asked softly, not sure she wanted to know the answer. “It’s okay if you do,” she said trying to give him an out. 

He considered that. “Love was never something that entered my mind when I thought of Amy.” 

“I’m not sure that answers the question.” 

He looked at her. “No, I don’t love her,” he said, honestly. “Sometimes I think that I’ve just gone after her out of principle. The harder she resisted, the harder I pursued her, and then when I got her I didn’t really know what to do with her.” 

“She’s no good for you, you know,” Donna blurted softly and was immediately sorry she’d said anything. It was horribly selfish and unfair of her to try and sabotage his budding relationship with Amy when she was going to be leaving him shortly. What did CJ call that? ‘Ring and run?’ 

“What...why?” he asked with another frown. 

“I’m sorry. Forget I said it.” 

“No, I’m not going to forget it. Now, tell me why she’s not good for me.” 

Donna swallowed, now that she’d opened this door he was going to force her to go through it. “You just said you didn’t love her. You deserve someone that you love and who loves you back.” Now that she’d started, the words began to tumble out. “You’re too much alike. She’s a harder, colder version of you. You may be tough and determined and single-minded when you want something, but she uses politics as her own personal battering ram. When you wind up on the opposite side of an issue, and you will, she’ll play mean and dirty and she won’t care if you or your relationship with her gets beaten up in the process.” She paused. “And most of all she makes you crazy, and not in the good way.” 

He wanted to argue with her, to tell her she was wrong, but something told him she’d just made a remarkably perceptive observation. “I suppose you have a point,” he conceded with a little smile. “And just so you know, making me crazy in the good way became your job a long time ago.” 

She gave him a tired, little smile. There was a long, quiet moment between them as they each tried to figure out what the other was thinking and where they went from there. 

Donna felt the weight of heavy fatigue pulling at her. It wouldn’t be long now before she wouldn’t be able to stay awake. She was running out of time to say all she needed to say. “Josh, I need you to promise me a couple of things,” she said quietly. 

Not expecting those to be the next words out of her mouth, he frowned. “What?” 

“First, when you get out of here, promise me you’ll see Stanley Keyworth....” 

“Donna,” he began. 

“Please, Josh,” she sighed. “Let me finish.” Before he could say anything else she pressed on. “Go see Stanley, work through what’s happened here and be sure to tell him that you think this is your fault but it isn’t.” 

Part of him wanted to smile that she knew him so well and knew he would carry around guilt for happened to her today. “Well, to begin with, you said when ‘I’ get out of here, when it’s going to be when ‘we’ get out of here,” he said confidently. “And somehow I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about me seeing Stanley and my regular therapist when this is all over. In fact, I think Stanley will be giving you and me both the group therapy rate,” he told her with a little smile. 

“Promise me,” she said, not letting him shrug it off. She had to know he was going to be okay. 

His smile faded. “I promise.” 

She looked up at him, her expression earnest but exhausted. “Second, I need you to promise that when the shooting starts...” 

“Shooting? What shooting?” he asked. 

“Josh...” she admonished. “You and I both know that there’s no way this is going to end well. Either the cavalry is going to get tired of waiting and come in here with guns blazing or these idiots are going to stop arguing among themselves and start shooting each other.” She looked at him. “You know I’m right, don’t you?” 

He’d been trying not to thinking about it, but she was definitely right. It only added to the 2 ton ball of lead that had taken up permanent residence in the pit of his stomach. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

“So when it starts you have to promise that you’ll do everything you can to save yourself. You can’t worry about me.” 

“Stop it, Donna,” he said. 

“What?” 

“You’re doing it again,” he told her. 

“What?” she asked with a frown. 

“You’re giving up and what’s more you’re saying goodbye,” he told her in annoyance. “And again I fall back on my earlier statement about not having it.” 

She knew his annoyance stemmed from the fact he was feeling helpless and powerless. Two emotions he didn’t handle well. “I’m sorry, Josh,” she said honestly. “I’m sorry that you’re in this position because of me. If you hadn’t been down here to take me to lunch...you wouldn’t be in this mess.” 

“Now who’s blaming themselves?” 

She looked at him for a moment. “I just don’t think there’s much time...” 

“No,” he said firmly. 

“Josh...” 

“No, Donna. Listen, you’re going to have time. WE”RE going to have time. You just have to hang on a little longer.” 

Letting out a long, slow breath, Donna looked up at him. The fatigue was beginning to overwhelm her and she felt her eyes slowly drooping. “Josh, I’m so tired. Please just promise me you’ll remember to duck...” 

Josh’s heart slid into his throat as her voice got softer and softer and her eyes began to close. He shook her shoulder to try and keep her with him. It was only marginally effective. He shifted so he could put his face down by hers. “Donna, stay with me,” he told her. “Look, I promise to see Stanley and I promise to duck, but only if you promise me something.” 

As her eyes closed and her field of vision shrank, the image of Josh began to go gray as if she were looking at him through a fog. “What?” she managed weakly. 

“You have to promise me that you’ll fight to the end to stay alive. You have to give me the chance to show you how much I care about you and I can’t do that if you’re not here. Promise me, Donna.” 

Trying hard to focus on him, Donna found it difficult to see as her vision began to waver. What she didn’t realize was that it was wavering because tears had filled her eyes. 

“Promise me,” he repeated with another little shake of her shoulder. 

“I promise,” she whispered as a tear ran down the side of her face. “I love you, Josh.” 

As her eyes closed and her body began to slip into the cool oblivion of unconsciousness, Donna thought she must be hallucinating. What else could explain the sound of Josh’s soft voice, whispering ‘I love you too, Donna’ in her ear and the feeling of his warm lips kissing away the tear from the side of her face? 


	9. Trial by Fire 9

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 9**

“Doctor?” Josh asked with a little panic in his voice. 

Without a word, Dr. Tillingham rose from her seat and knelt on the other side of Donna. Lifting Donna’s wrist, she took her pulse, then laid her hand lightly on Donna’s chest to take her respiration. “It’s okay, Josh,” she said patting him on the shoulder and trying to reassure him. “Her pulse and respiration are a little weaker than I’d like, which isn’t surprising with her blood loss, but they’re both steady enough. She’s just unconscious. It’s better that she rest anyway.” 

He nodded, “Isn’t there anything else you can do for her?” 

“I’m sorry, Josh,” she said gently. “There isn’t. If I had more equipment or supplies, maybe, but not with what I have right now.“ 

“Well, I appreciate everything you’ve done,” he told her. 

She smiled and gave him a nod. “I just wish it could be more. She seems like a special person.” 

“She is,” Josh replied as he ran a hand over the top of Donna’s head. 

“I better check her bandage and see how the bleeding is doing.” Folding back Josh’s coat, Dr. Tillingham gently pulled back the side of Donna’s bloody sweater and carefully checked the gauze. It was pretty well saturated, but the blood had clotted and seemed to be creating its own temporary bandage so she didn’t disturb it too much. While she had the area exposed she palpated Donna’s stomach and abdomen again. Making use of her medical training, she manage to keep a frown off her face when she found that the area of slight rigidity she’d felt before had become larger and more pronounced. 

Freddie had been watching the drama unfolding between Josh and Donna for a few minutes. His guilt, although he never would have acknowledged that’s what it was, had begun to eat at him again. Ramon had wanted the doctor and the man who’d been by the woman’s side to return to their seats but Freddie had talked Ramon into letting them continue to tend to her. He figured it was the least he could do. He glanced at Ramon and the rest of his men. The hour mark was about 5 minutes away and he knew they were getting antsy. 

They weren’t the only ones. If the Feds didn’t budge during the next phone call, there’s no way he was going to keep Ramon from trying to blast their way out. Which, Freddie supposed, would be the only avenue left open to them if the Feds wouldn’t let them out voluntarily. They couldn’t stay here for much longer. The Feds weren’t ones for sitting on their hands. They had to be planning something. One way or the other, things weren’t going to last much longer. 

Dr. Tillingham and Josh were so focused on Donna that they didn’t see Freddie walk over to stand by Donna’s feet. “How is she?” Freddie asked. 

They both looked up at him. Dr. Tillingham’s expression held a flash of irritation for him, which was not unexpected. Josh’s expression was guarded, almost like a male wolf being on the lookout for anything that might threaten his injured mate. 

“She’s unconscious and she belongs in a hospital,” the doctor told him in irritation as she covered Donna back up again. “You ready to help me do something about that?” 

“Doc...” 

Dr. Tillingham held up her hand. “I know, I know...she stays. Big surprise,” she said as she rinsed a little of the blood off her hands with a bottle of water that one of the jurors had dug out of their purse and passed to her. 

Freddie shrugged off her annoyance and looked down a Donna for a moment. Again, the guilt he was feeling washed over him in a wave. He didn’t know why what had happened to her was bothering him. Why was his moral sense of right and wrong kicking in all of a sudden? Could it be because he had this weird feeling of foreboding hanging right at the edge of his mind? A feeling like he might not be around much longer and he needed to make things right? Or maybe it was because he felt like he kind of knew this woman. Her impassioned plea for the deputy’s life made it really difficult to see her as a stranger. There was also something about her and the man that had rushed to her side when she’d been shot. He saw that there was some kind of deep relationship between them. A relationship that somehow struck a cord in him. 

He gave himself a mental shake. He’d better not tell Ramon or any of the men his thoughts or they’d think he’d gone around the bend for sure. He and Josh stared at each other for a long moment. 

“You know,” Freddie began quietly enough that only the three of them and a couple of the jurors sitting nearby would be able to hear. “She’s really suffering. I could take care of her pain. It would be quick. With her being unconscious, she would never feel a thing.” 

Dr. Tillingham stared at Freddie in disgust and horror. “You bastard.” 

His glance flicked from Josh to the doctor and then back to Josh. “Wouldn’t that be better than letting her suffer?” 

Oddly, Josh wasn’t angry at Freddie’s words. He wasn’t feeling much of anything at that point. He was simply running on autopilot. His overriding thought was only for Donna and her safety. In response to Freddie’s question, Josh automatically placed his hand on the other side of Donna’s body and leaned across her hips, effectively putting himself between her and Freddie. “If you kill her, then you’ll have to kill both of us.” 

Freddie stared at him in disbelief. He had friends that would kill for him but he knew of no one that would die for him. There had never been anyone like that in his life, except maybe his mother when he’d been a small child. But she’d died when he was very young, so it was hard to know for sure. He stared at this man, this stranger, and tried to understand why he would sacrifice himself for this woman, especially when she was very likely going to die anyway. 

“What is she to you?” Freddie asked with a frown. 

Most of Josh’s earlier conversation with Donna had been quiet enough that no one but the two of them had heard it so Freddie knew nothing of the declarations that had been made between them. 

Josh’s gaze never wavered as he answered. “She’s everything.” 

Freddie’s eyes narrowed in confusion as he tried to understand what he was seeing. As someone who’d never seen or felt anything like the love Josh and Donna had for each other, he simply couldn’t grasp it. 

“Who are you?” he asked Josh. The tone in his voice sounded like he wouldn’t be surprised if Josh said he was one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. 

“I’m someone who loves her,” Josh replied simply. “Please...I need her to live.” 

Freddie blinked. This man’s words, the way he looked at this woman and the way he’d tenderly kissed the side of her face earlier, made Freddie believe him. It was like this man needed this woman like he needed air. Freddie might not understand what he was hearing and seeing but he could tell it was something special, something unique. Something that he knew he would never experience for himself. Part of him was sad for that and more than a little jealous. In any case, it made it impossible for him to consider destroying it. 

Nodding, Freddie took a step back. “Then you have nothing to fear from me.” With a long look at Josh, he turned and went back over to his men. 

Ramon looked at Freddie strangely. “What’s going on?” he said jerking his chin toward Josh and Donna. 

“Nothing,” Freddie said. “I was just checking to see how she was doing.” 

Ramon frowned. “Why does it matter how she is? You’re not turning into a bleeding heart on me, are you, man?” 

“No. But I’m not an unfeeling, selfish bastard either,” he said. His tone clearly implied that Ramon couldn’t say the same. 

Ramon’s eyes narrowed angrily. He’d had just about enough of Freddie’s mouthing off. “What are you...” 

His comment was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. 

Once again, the courtroom seemed to be holding its breath. By comparison, it made the sound of the phone almost deafening. 

Freddie turned to face the courtroom. “Doc, answer the phone please.” 

He saw the doctor frozen in place. Her eyes filled with fear as she assumed that answering the phone meant that she would be one of the hostages slated to die next. 

Freddie stared at her. “Don’t worry, Doc,” he told her calmly. “It’s not what you think. I just need you to answer the phone.” He paused. “Please.” 

Dr. Tillingham believed him, although she really didn’t have any reason to. Slowly, on wobbly legs, she stood and stepped over to the bench. Taking a breath, she picked up the receiver. “Hello?” she listened as Agent McIntire identified himself and asked who he was speaking to. 

“I’m Dr. Tillingham.” 

He asked her how things were going in the courtroom and she couldn’t believe that he was asking such an inane question. It took her a moment to respond. “How are things going?” she asked incredulously. “How the hell do you think things are going?!” She demanded. The anger she’d had to keep in check began to flow out. “We’ve got an injured person in here and we’re trapped with armed men who aren’t above killing us to get what they want! Now, what the hell are you doing to get us out of here?!!” 

Freddie wasn’t able to suppress a little grin at the feisty doctor giving the hostage negotiator a piece of her mind. He was glad to see he wasn’t the only one who’d wound up on the side of her sharp tongue. 

He told her that they were working on it. “Well, you better work on it faster!” 

What the negotiator couldn’t tell her was that they’d already started pumping the sedation agent into the courtroom but it would be about 90 minutes before they would be ready to storm the courtroom. 

She turned to Freddie. “He wants to talk to one of you,” she told him, trying to ignore the feeling of deja vu that she was feeling for the last time a similar phone call happened. 

“Ask him if they’re going to let us out of here,” Ramon told her. 

“But....” 

“ASK HIM!” Ramon repeated heatedly. 

“He wanted to know if you’re going to let them go.” She paused as he answered. “Why the hell not?!” she demanded. “Don’t you get it?! They’re going to kill us!” she told him. 

You could have heard a pin drop in courtroom as everyone waited as she listened to his reply. “I don’t care if you’re sorry or not! None of us care about your excuses. We want you to get us out of here!” She turned to face Freddie and Ramon. 

“No, they’re not going to let you out.” 

Ramon looked down at his gun for a moment and then walked toward her. In spite of her bravado with the negotiator, she shrank back as Ramon approached. He stopped a few yards from her. “Tell him that the next two deaths are on his head for failure to allow us to leave. Then tell him since he can’t get us what we want, we’re done talking to him.” Freddie walked up to stand just behind him. 

Dr. Tillingham was clearly almost paralyzed with the fear that she was going to be the next to die and it took her a moment to speak the message into the receiver. “He says he really needs to talk to you.” 

“Hang up the phone,” Ramon told her. 

“But....” 

“HANG UP THE GODDAMN PHONE!!” he screamed. 

Dr. Tillingham fumbled the phone before dropping it back into cradle like it was burning her. 

>From there, things seemed to happen in a terrible, horrifying blur. 

Before anyone had a chance to say a word, Ramon raised his gun and aimed it at Donna. 

“NO!” Josh cried, as he instinctively threw himself across Donna’s unconscious form. 

Not caring if Josh was in the way or not, Ramon’s finger pulled the trigger and fired. 

A fraction of a second earlier, Freddie had brought his arm up under Ramon’s and pushed it upward as the bullet left the barrel. The motion caused bullet to go high and wide, striking the wall high above Josh’s prone form. 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” they both screamed at each other. 

“Not them!” Freddie told him. 

Ramon was enraged that Freddie had stopped him. “Why not?!” he demanded. 

“They’re under my protection. No one touches them!” 

“But she’s gonna die anyway! The two of them are the logical ones to kill! What’s wrong with you, man?!” 

“We’ve got plenty of others to kill and plenty to use as shields to get us out of here,” Freddie told him. “I gave him my word they wouldn’t be harmed.” 

Frustrated, Ramon took three long strides across the room, then turned to face Freddie. “It’s not your word to give! It’s not your decision” Ramon ranted as he waved his gun around widely. “YOU are not in charge here!!!” 

“Well, I should be!!!!” Freddie shot back. 

Slowly, people began to slide out of their seats and take cover. Josh had only moved enough so that Donna wasn’t taking his full weight. Dr. Tillingham had eased herself around to hide behind the bench. Fascinated by the power struggle playing out before them, Freddie and Ramon’s men gathered in loose semi-circle around both men. 

As the two men began to circle each other, the courtroom began to look like a badly acted scene from “West Side Story.” 

“I was wondering when you were going to make your move,” Ramon told Freddie in a low, dangerous voice. “You know, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of you challenging my authority at every turn.” 

At that point Freddie decided he had nothing to lose by going with the truth. “I wanted it to look like an accident,” he growled in a deadly calm voice as they continued to circle each other. “See, I had it all worked out. I knew that if I tried to take over the operation while you were in the joint, then you’d be on my ass every step of the way, and I’d be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life...or more accurately, since they were going to stick a needle in your arm...the rest of YOUR life. I know better than anyone how much power you have...even from inside a cell.” 

Ramon nodded. “And my little escape plan played right into your scheme, didn’t it?” 

”Sure did,” Freddie said smugly. “You were going to be tragically shot during our getaway.” 

“And of course, you, as my second-in-command, would step in take my place.” Ramon finished. 

“Exactly. It was the perfect plan. Simple and fool-proof,” Freddie said with a nod. “And all it took to louse it up was a broken fucking pipe.” 

Despite the situation, both men chuckled at that. “Yeah, ain’t life a bitch sometimes?” Ramon said. 

“You got that right.” Freddie replied. Both of them sobered. 

“Why, homs? Why would you do this?” Ramon asked him. “We grew up together. We looked out for each other. You were with me every step of the way. I’ve given you everything. Why would you stab me in the back now?” 

“Maybe I’m just tired of taking your handouts,” Freddie replied. “Everything you have, you have because I helped you get it. And yet you make me ask for every little thing like I’m a child asking for his fucking allowance! You want everyone to bow and scrape to you, to give you respect, but you don’t give any respect back. Not even to ME, especially not to ME!! If anyone deserves your respect, it’s me. I’ve done everything for you, I’ve even killed for you, man and I’m tired of it. It’s time that I started living for me, for what I want. You’re the only thing standing in my way.” 

Ramon, seemingly unconcerned with what Freddie had just said, nodded as they continued to slowly circle each other. “Well, well, it seems you’ve got some pretty big ambitions. You’re forgetting one thing though.” 

“What’s that?” 

“You’re outnumbered,” he exclaimed with a wicked grin. “There are seven of us and one of you.” 

Freddie stopped the circling and now stood a few yards from Ramon. “Once again, you’ve underestimated me and overestimated yourself,” he said with a smirk. 

Uncertainty and even a touch of fear now entered Ramon’s eyes. “What do you mean?” 

Silently, the men Freddie had hand picked for this operation because he knew he could trust them to support him rather than Ramon, moved to stand behind Freddie. 

“I mean you’re the one outnumbered now. By my count it’s now 5 to 3.” 

Ramon was stunned at this turn of events. “Max? Paco? Eric? Frankie? What the hell?” he demanded. 

Max spoke for the four of them. “It’s nothing personal, Ramon,” he said with a shrug. “It’s business. Freddie just made us a better offer.” 

“A better offer?!” Ramon demanded. Being a business man he knew what he had to do. “I’ll double whatever he offered you.” 

“Sorry,” Max said. “We know you too well, Ramon. By siding with Freddie, we’ve betrayed you. You’d make us a deal and let us think you were sticking by it and then the moment our backs were turned you’ll see to it that we meet with an ‘unfortunate accident.’” Max shook his head. “The thing is, Ramon, while Freddie may be ambitious and cutthroat, we always know where we stand with him. You, my friend, are just plain crazy.” 

Ramon watched Freddie and the group of four men. “Well then Freddie, I guess what they say is true. You do learn who your real friends are when things get tough.” 

“I guess so,” Freddie agreed. “Although the same could be said for learning who your enemies are too.” 

“I guess so,” Ramon replied calmly. Like the snap of a rubber band, his gun flashed up and pointed itself at Freddie’s face. It set off a chain reaction and the other seven men did the same until they were all standing there with guns pointed at each other. Half the guns were pointed at Freddie and his men and the other half were pointed at Ramon and his. 

“Well, old friend, it looks like we’ve got ourselves a good old-fashioned Mexican standoff,” Freddie replied with a chuckle as he tightened his grip on the gun. 

Ramon just grinned back at him. “Looks like it to me. So, you’re the man with all the answers, what the hell happens now?” 

Freddie regarded him. Whatever they were going to do, they’d better do it fast. Now that they’d cut off negotiations, the Feds weren’t going to wait much longer before they came in with guns blazing. 

“It’s a little like playing chicken,” Freddie replied. “You just have to know when to flinch.” 

“I like playing chicken. I always win,” Ramon said confidently. 

“Not this time,” Freddie replied. “This time you lose.” 

And with that, the room erupted with the angry sound of rapid gunfire. 

********** 

“What the hell happens now!” Sam demanded of Agent McIntire after Dr. Tillingham had hung up the courtroom phone and cut off the conversation. 

“Now we wait for the sedation agent to work and we go in after them.” 

“And what happens to everyone in the meantime!” Sam yelled. “What? We’re just supposed to wait while they start shooting people and Donna slowly bleeds to death!!!” 

“SAM!!!” Ainsley cried. She was still standing in the doorway so she could watch the continuing action in the courtroom. 

Sam reacted to the panic in her voice and crossed the room in three strides. “What?” he said when he reached her side. 

“Look!” she said, pointing at the monitor. The two of them, flanked by Agents McIntire and Jones, moved in closer for a better look. 

Sam felt his heart leap into his throat as they saw one of the gunmen level his gun at Donna and Josh immediately throw himself across her body. “Oh, God!” Sam exclaimed. “He’s going to shoot them!” 

“No! Wait,” Ainsley said as she saw one of the other gunmen move into action. He knocked the first man’s arm away at the last minute. Although they couldn’t hear it, the flash and a slight puff of smoke from the gun told them that it had gone off. From the fact that they saw no reaction from Josh and there didn’t seem to be any additional blood, they guessed that the quick thinking of the second gunmen had caused the shot to miss. 

Sam’s shoulders sagged in relief. “Thank, God.” 

Ainsley laid her hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him a bit. “Look...they’re arguing.” It was plain to see that by stopping the first gunman from shooting Josh and Donna, the second gunmen had caused a heated argument. 

“Dammit, I wish we could hear what was going on in there!” Sam said helplessly. Josh hadn’t moved from where he was covering Donna, but Sam felt himself marginally relax when the gunmen began to move away and all but ignored Josh and Donna. 

“Look at the rest of the people in the courtroom,” Ainsley commented. “The argument must be pretty heated, they’re starting to take cover.” 

“Well, it doesn’t help that the one guy is waving his gun around like it’s a water pistol,” Sam commented as they continued to watch. 

With the two gunmen in the center, the rest of the gunmen had gathered around them in a loose group. Sam, Ainsley and the rest of the personnel that were gathered in the command center held their breaths as the two gunmen stopped circling. They seemed to be talking now, rather than arguing, or at least not arguing so heatedly. Then in an unexpected move, the men seem to divide into two different camps. 

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asked. As if in direct response to his question, both groups of men raised their guns and pointed them at each other. “Sorry I asked,” Sam murmured. 

“I have a really bad feeling about this,” Ainsley said softly. 

Then, like some bad gangster movie, the group of eight men suddenly dove in different directions. From the flashes and the smoke that began appearing, bullets were flying fast and furious. Josh still hadn’t moved from his place protecting Donna. 

Marshal Patterson got on her radio to the officers near the courtroom, “This is command, the suspects are firing at each other.” 

Her radio crackled as they sent back a response. “Copy command, we hear it and we’re preparing to go in.” The sound of muted gunfire could be heard over the radio. 

“What about the sedation agent?” Agent Jones asked. 

“We can’t wait,” she said. “With all the gunfire we need to end this. Now.” 

At that, everyone in the command center fell quiet as they watched the video feed from the courtroom played out. It seemed strange to see something that had to be incredibly noisy happen in complete silence. The eight men were firing at each other from behind whatever cover they could find. From the way, papers and inanimate objects were moving and flying, a lot of stray bullets had to be crisscrossing the room. The gunmen began to fall one by one, until they were all still and unmoving. A couple of the hostages tentatively raised their heads out from whatever they were hiding behind. Some of the hostages, including Josh, weren’t moving at all. 

Without a moment to even catch their breaths. Sam and Ainsley saw the main courtroom door burst open as the officers, who were fully dressed in armor and riot gear, broke through it with a battering ram and rushed inside. Since they had intelligence from the video surveillance feed, the officers knew the gunmen were largely clustered on the right side of the room opposite from the hostages. Half the officers covered and checked over the gunmen while the other half began assessing the hostages. 

Ainsley, who’d taken hold of Sam’s hand at some point, let out a breath. “Well, it looks like it’s all over.” 

Marshal Patterson’s radio crackled to life. “Command this is Evans, we’ve got the gunmen secured. Send up the paramedic teams,” he said. “We’ve got wounded. We’ll, also need some body bags. We have fatalities.” 

Sam unconsciously squeezed Ainsley’s hand. “Oh, no.” 

Ainsley frowned at the screen. “What is it, Sam?” 

He swallowed hard and tried to find his voice. “His shirt...there’s...um...on his shirt...” His voice trailed off as he felt himself begin to hyperventilate. “...blood...” 

Ainsley stared hard at the area of the screen where they could see Josh still lying motionless across Donna. She gasped as she saw it. 

There on the back of his white dress shirt, just above his left shoulder blade, where there had been nothing a few moments before... 

...was a bloody stain. 


	10. Trial by Fire 10

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 10**

The sound of Ainsley’s gasp had Sam running from the room. He had to get there, had to get to Josh and Donna. He was done watching things on the monitor and being made to wait on the sidelines. He had to see first hand what had happened to his friends. 

Rather than waiting for the elevator, he pounded up the main stairwell. He didn’t hear Ainsley yelling at him as she gave chase. The high heels she wore slowed her down at first, so she kicked them off. Unfortunately, this slowed her down, too, since running on the smooth tiled floors in her stocking feet was slippery. Consequently, Sam reached the courtroom before she did. 

In the process of securing the courtroom and making room for the medical personnel that were needed, the officers had divided everyone up into groups. Those hostages who were not injured, about 14 of them, made-up the first group. They were sitting or standing at the end of the corridor being interviewed by a number of officers. The dozen or so hostages who had minor injures, everything from bumps on the head to minor bullet grazes, made up a second group. They were sitting or lying down right near where Sam and Ainsley were standing and being treated by two paramedics. The two remaining groups, the dead and the severely injured, were still in the courtroom. 

When Sam got there, he was stopped by some of the officers still monitoring and securing the scene. As he was trying to catch his breath after his four floor sprint, he saw a familiar face. “Marshal Coulter!” he called, just as Ainsley came huffing up beside him. 

Ainsley, who was also out of breath, wanted to ask Sam what the hell he thought he was trying to do and tell him that he needed to stay out of the way so the officers could do their job, but she didn’t have a chance. Marshal Coulter had heard Sam and he picked that moment to walk over to them. 

“Oh, good, Mr. Seaborn, Miss Hayes, I was just going to have Marshal Patterson send you up here.” 

Sam looked surprised at that. “You were?” Then his heart took a sudden drop into his feet. What if they needed him to identify the bodies or something? “Why? What’s happened?” 

Marshal Coulter read the panic in the other man’s eyes. “It’s okay, Mr. Seaborn, we just need your help with Mr. Lyman,” he said, trying to be reassuring. 

Sam blinked, not feeling all that reassured. “You need help with Josh? What do you mean?” 

“Well, he won’t let go of Miss Moss. We know she’s injured and we’re pretty sure he is too but we can’t check them until we get him calmed down.” He glanced between Sam and Ainsley. “We thought about trying to forcibly remove him, but we were hoping that you and Miss Hayes would be able to help us avoid that.” 

At the mention of her name, Sam looked down at Ainsley and blinked as if he’d just realized she was there. As much as Ainsley wanted to smack him around for running off like he had, she couldn’t deny it had apparently been a good idea. Josh was obviously having some kind of crisis and needed help from someone. From what she’d seen during her time in the White House, Donna was usually the one who fit that bill, but if it couldn’t be her, as was the case now, Sam was the next best thing. So rather than giving him the tongue lashing he deserved, Ainsley simply nodded to him in encouragement. 

“Excuse me?” The three of them turned toward the voice. 

The person that had spoken to them had her arm swathed in a sling. 

“Dr. Tillingham?” Ainsley asked the pretty, raven-haired woman. 

She blinked at Ainsley. “Do I know you?” 

“There was a hidden security camera in the courtroom,” Sam explained. “We saw you treating the wounded. We also heard your conversation with the FBI negotiator.” 

“Oh...there was a camera? We didn’t know that,” she said absently. 

“Yeah, which was a good thing for us,” Marshal Coulter said. “I’m sure the assailants would have taken out the camera if they’d known about it.” 

“Undoubtedly,” Dr. Tillingham replied. 

“What did you want, doctor?” Marshal Coulter asked. 

“As I was trying to tell your men, I might be able to help with Josh. Since I was taking care of Donna earlier he’ll probably trust me,” she pointed out. “I tried to help earlier but your men hustled me out of there before I could.” 

“Well, I guess we can use all the help we can get,” Marshal Coulter agreed. “Come on.” 

The four of them strode to the open courtroom door and stepped inside. The scene that greeted them was a study in barely controlled chaos. Dr. Tillingham and Marshal Coulter weren’t fazed by it since they’d already been in the middle of it. But Sam and Ainsley had to stop for a moment in the doorway to try and take it all in. After getting the silent, colorless, sanitized version of the interior of the courtroom from the surveillance feed, the reality of it was a whole different animal. 

They noticed the noise first. A quick, almost angry buzz of voices as the paramedics and the officers rushed through the room treating the severely wounded and separating the dead. Then there was the smell. The sulfur of recently fired gunpowder mixed with the slightly coppery smell of blood was still hanging heavily in the air. Rounding out the scene was the visual - the details that had been lost in the grainy black and white video. Bullet holes peppered most of the wood in the room to some degree or another. Tables and chairs were knocked over, papers were strewn all over the place, and over half of the law books that had been on the shelves at the start of court that day were thrown across the floor. Trails of drying blood, mostly located near the gunmen, were still slowly dripping down the wall. 

Both their reveries were shattered by the sound of Josh’s voice shouting from the front of the courtroom. “No!” 

Sam, Ainsley, and Dr. Tillingham rushed forward and pushed their way through the small group of officers that had gathered in a loose semi-circle around Josh and Donna. 

Sam’s heart twisted as his saw his two friends. “Oh, Josh,” he said softly. Josh was still lying face down across the upper half of Donna’s body. He’d put his arms around and under her shoulders and was holding her tightly against him. His blood was now soaking about a third of the back of his white dress shirt. Except when he’d raise it up to yell at them, his face was largely buried in against Donna’s neck and shoulder. Because she was covered by Josh and his coat, the only thing they could really see of Donna was the bottom half of her legs and her face where it peeked over Josh’s shoulder. Her face was slack, damp and bone white. 

When he’d seen Ramon raise his gun to fire at Donna, Josh had thrown himself across her, fully expecting that the feeling of her soft body under him would be the last thing he would experience before the bullets rained down and killed him as he did what little he could to protect her. The fact that it hadn’t happened had failed to register with him. He was still locked in that moment. Still locked into trying to protect Donna. So much so, he hadn’t consciously heard the sounds of the bullets flying through the courtroom. Hadn’t felt the sting of the stray ricochet as it had gouged its way across the back of his shoulder. To him, the armed men now swarming the courtroom were not marshals, officers and people that were there to help. They were merely more armed gunmen that threatened his ability to protect Donna. 

“Josh?” Sam said gently, trying to get through to him. 

“No!” Josh yelled as he kicked out violently against anyone who he thought might be trying to come up behind them. 

“Let’s go around in front of him,” Dr. Tillingham suggested. 

Sam nodded and as Ainsley watched, he and the doctor slowly walked around to the other side and knelt down so Josh would easily see them when he lifted his face from Donna’s shoulder. 

“Josh?” Dr. Tillingham said softly. “It’s Dr. Tillingham.” He tensed but he didn’t start yelling this time, so she tried again. “Josh? It’s okay now. I brought help for Donna. Won’t you let me help her?” 

He still didn’t raise his head or open his eyes but he seemed to relax at her words. 

“Josh?” Sam tried again, laying his hand lightly on Josh’s arm. 

He flinched under Sam’s touch, more from surprise than anything else. “Sam?” he said with a questioning frown. He still hadn’t opened his eyes. 

“Yeah, it’s me Josh. Open your eyes and see for yourself,” Sam challenged him. 

Slowly, Josh raised his head and opened his eyes to look at his friend. “Sam?” 

“Hey,” Sam said with a little grin to try and reassure him. “How you doin’, Josh?” 

Rather than answering, Josh blinked like a man coming out of a deep, deep sleep. He glanced at the woman beside Sam. “Doctor?” 

“Hi, Josh,” she said with a gentle smile. “Glad to see you’re back with us.” She paused. “Would it be okay if I took a look at Donna? We can’t get her out of here until I check her over.” 

Instinctively, Josh tightened his hold on Donna again. He had to protect her. 

“Josh,” Sam coaxed. “It’s okay, you and Donna are safe now.” 

Still dazed, Josh looked down at Donna and began to notice just how tightly he was holding onto her. With her injury it couldn’t be good for her. Slowly, he started to loosen his hold on her but was finding it hard to move away from her. 

“Come on, Josh,” Sam said, pulling gently on his arm to encourage him. “Let the doctor take care of her now.” 

After a few moments Josh gave him a nod and let Sam help him into a sitting position next to Donna. Looking up, he blinked at the men surrounding them and realized they were the good guys. 

While Dr. Tillingham pulled aside his wool coat and began checking Donna, Josh looked across at Sam. “It’s all over?” 

“Yeah,” Sam said with a nod. Being a bit overcome by what he saw, Sam momentarily had a little trouble stringing together any more words than that. The amount of blood on the back of Josh’s shirt was nothing compared to the blood, presumably Donna’s, on the front of his shirt. Not to mention the blood that had soaked the front of Donna’s sweater and her pants. Images of watching Josh almost bleeding to death at Rosslyn flashed through Sam’s mind and he had to swallow down the bile that rose into his throat. 

“Josh...Sam,” Dr. Tillingham said gently. “I need some help to take care of Donna, would you be willing to move back a bit so the paramedics can get through?” 

Sam welcomed the chance to move. If he kept moving he didn’t have to think about the blood. Didn’t have to look at it. He stepped across Donna’s feet so he was standing next to Josh who was still sitting. 

Josh paused for a moment. Intellectually he knew the best thing to do was move out of the way, but emotionally and instinctively, it was like he was being relieved of his job to protect her and every fiber of his being was fighting against that. 

“Josh?” Dr. Tillingham said laying her hand on his arm. “It’s okay, you can stay down by her feet. You’ll be able to see her the whole time.” 

Josh appreciated what she was saying and knew it would have to be enough. With a silent nod, he let Sam help him up. But no sooner had he stood up, than his legs threatened to fold under him. In fact, if Sam hadn’t already had a hand on his arm and a quick thinking marshal hadn’t grabbed his other one, Josh probably would have found himself back on the floor. The stress of the last few hours, sitting on the floor for a prolonged period and his own blood loss had left him shakier than he’d realized. 

“Sorry,” Josh said apologetically as they helped steady him. 

“No problem,” Sam told him with a little smile as he continued to keep a firm grip on his arm. “You’re doing fine.” 

“Here, Josh, sit down,” Ainsley said as she came forward with a padded stool she’d snatched from the court reporter’s work area. 

Josh blinked at Ainsley, he hadn’t realized she was in the room either. He definitely had varying degrees of tunnel vision in this situation. “Hey, Ainsley,” he said quietly . He tried to give her a little grin but failed fairly miserably. “Thanks,” he said gratefully as he let Sam guide him onto the stool. Ainsley smiled back at him and patted him on the arm. 

He turned his attention back to Donna and watched as the paramedics moved in to help Dr. Tillingham assess Donna’s condition. After a moment he looked up at Sam. “What happened?” Josh asked quietly. 

Sam frowned. Could Josh really not know? Could he have been so out of it that he didn’t remember all the gunfire? Not remember that, in a way, it had been the initial argument that had erupted between the gunmen over whether or not to shoot Josh and Donna that had eventually let to the gunfight that had all but killed the gunmen and ended the hostage situation? ‘This is not good,’ Sam thought. He made a mental note to make sure Leo called in Stanley Keyworth to talk to Josh and, presumably Donna. 

“What happened with the gunmen, you mean?” Sam asked, just to make sure that was indeed what Josh was talking about. 

“Yeah,” Josh said turning back to watch as they started an i.v. on Donna. 

Sam wondered how specific or explicit he should be. “The, um, gunmen got into an argument and turned their guns on each other. The marshals broke into the courtroom about the time the shooting stopped,” he answered. 

“They’re dead?” Josh asked flatly. 

Sam glanced at Marshal Coulter who was standing next to Ainsley. The marshal gave them an update. “Six of the eight gunmen, including Ramon Martinez, the man they helped escape from custody, are dead. The other leader, Freddie Garcia, and one of the gunmen are alive but in critical condition. Two of the hostages were caught in the cross fire and are also in critical condition.” 

Josh only nodded silently in understanding. 

“Before she lost consciousness she complained of lower extremity paralysis so I want to keep her spine as straight and stable as possible during transport,” Dr. Tillingham told the paramedics. “We’re going to need a cervical collar and a backboard and sandbags before we move her.” While one paramedic pulled a cervical collar out of a large supply case, the other paramedic used his radio to call down for the backboard and the sandbags. 

Sam exchanged concerned glances with Ainsley. Lower extremity paralysis? Donna was paralyzed? When had that happened? HOW had that happened? It was almost more than he was able to process. He couldn’t imagine how Josh was dealing with it. ‘Well, actually,’ Sam thought. ’Josh probably isn’t dealing with it at all.’ 

As he watched them fit the cervical collar around Donna’s neck, Sam considered asking the doctor or Josh for more information, but the doctor was kind of busy at that moment and Josh was most likely in no condition to talk about it. It was just the wrong time all the way around. 

A few minutes later, another paramedic entered the courtroom at a fast clip carrying a long wooden backboard and a large sack containing the small sand bags that Dr. Tillingham had requested. He handed them over to the two paramedics already working on Donna, “There’s an ambulance waiting downstairs when you’re ready.” 

“Thank you,” Dr. Tillingham said. 

The young paramedic nodded and stepped back out of the way, but stayed close by in case they needed an extra pair of hands. He was young, eager and fresh-faced, which meant he probably hadn’t been on the job that long. From where he’d positioned himself, he could see the large blood stain on the back of Josh’s shoulder. 

“Sir?” 

Not knowing which ‘sir’ he was addressing, 6 heads turned to face him. From the direction of his gaze, they figured he was apparently talking to Josh. 

Josh frowned. “Me?” 

“Yes. Would you like me to take a look at that for you?” he asked. 

Josh’s frown deepened. “Look at what?” 

“The injury on your back,” he replied. 

“The injury on...?” Josh said as he tried looking over his shoulder. 

Sam laid his hand on Josh’s shoulder before he popped some vertebrae trying to see his back. “You’ve got some bleeding on your back.” 

“I’m fine. It must be, you know...” he swallowed. “From Donna.” 

“No, Josh,” Sam said gently. “It’s yours and not Donna’s.” 

“But how...?” Josh said weakly, not really wanting to know the answer. 

Sam looked down at him, again trying to assess what he should and shouldn’t say. “When the gunmen were firing at each other, there was a lot of crossfire and ricochets. I’m guessing you got hit with one.” 

“Kay,” he said blankly. He really wasn’t ready to acknowledge the fact that once again, minor as it apparently was, a bullet had impacted with some portion of his anatomy. “I’m fine.” 

“But, sir, it wouldn’t take much time. I could just....” the paramedic tried again, not understanding why Josh wouldn’t want to have the injury treated. 

“I’m fine,” Josh replied absently as he watched them roll Donna onto the backboard. Where the backboard straps would cross Donna’s knees, hips, chest and head, they placed the small sand bags next to her body and between her knees. With them in place, once the straps where fastened, there was no room for Donna’s body to slide around on the backboard. 

“But...,” the young paramedic said, still trying to get Josh to let him treat the wound. 

Josh turned and erupted. “What, are you deaf?! I’M FINE!” 

“Josh...” Sam said as he squeezed Josh’s shoulder to try and calm him. Josh seemed to settle and he went back to watching Donna. Sam let out a breath and turned to the startled paramedic. “Look, we know you’re just trying to help, but it’s not a good time right now. We’re going to the hospital after this, so I swear he’ll get that injury checked out.” The young paramedic got the message and with a nod, he practically ran from the room. 

“Okay guys, let’s take her out of here. Gently...try not jostle her,” Dr. Tillingham told the two paramedics. As they carefully lifted the backboard, Dr. Tillingham picked up Josh’s jacket and coat off the floor with the intention of handing them back to Josh. But he’d found enough energy to stand and he’d already turned to follow the paramedics as they carried Donna from the courtroom and out to the gurney that was waiting in the main corridor. 

Ainsley recognized the clothing items as Josh’s. “Let me take those, Doctor,” Ainsley said with a smile. 

Dr. Tillingham handed them over to her and the two women followed everyone else into the hall. 

Ainsley voiced the question that been on Sam’s mind earlier. “She’s paralyzed?” she asked the doctor softly. 

Dr. Tillingham glanced at her and nodded. “Yeah, from the gunshot,” she replied just as softly. “She’ll need some tests to make sure, but I think the bullet is lodged near her spine.” 

“Oh, we didn’t know that,” Ainsley said with a worried frown. “We knew she’d been shot, but from the surveillance feed it wasn’t obvious that it was anything more than that.” 

The two of them fell silent as they watched the paramedics getting Donna and the backboard settled on the gurney. Then they started off down the corridor to the main elevator. Thankfully, due to the large volume of people the courthouse saw everyday, the elevator was large enough to fit all of them. The ride down was quiet and subdued. Although Donna’s arms were strapped down at her sides, Josh curled his fingers around her limp right hand. He needed to feel some kind of connection with her. 

During the elevator ride, it occurred to Sam that there would be press downstairs. A lot of press. It was going to be Rosslyn all over again and he, Josh, Donna and Ainsley were going to be front and center. That couldn’t be helped, it was actually kind of an occupational hazard when you worked in the White House. But Sam knew it was going to be even worse if Josh went out there in his current disheveled and bloody state. 

If the Press saw him, that picture would be the face of this tragic situation. It would be the picture splashed across every newspaper and magazine and would be the video for the lead-off story on every news broadcast. It would make the images from Rosslyn look like the White House Christmas party by comparison. Sam tried to think of some way to at least soften the impact. That’s when his gaze fell on the clothes Ainsley was holding. 

“Ainsley, could you hand me Josh’s suit jacket?” Sam asked. Ainsley frowned a little in confusion but handed him the chocolate brown jacket. Sam held it up and examined it. Because of the jacket’s darker color, the blood stains didn’t look quite as vivid as they did on his Josh’s white shirt. And even if you did see them, it was possible that the stains could be seen as water or some other kind of liquid as opposed to blood. The jacket would also hide the wound on his back. “Josh, I need you to put your jacket on.” 

“What?” Josh said with a frown. 

Sam held the jacket up. “Put your jacket on.” 

“Sam...” Josh said in a tired whine. “I don’t care about...” 

“Please,” Sam begged as he held up the jacket. 

Josh was beyond tired and he just didn’t have the energy to argue with Sam, so he let out a long breath and released Donna’s hand long enough to slip into the jacket. 

He turned around so Sam would see. “Happy now?” 

Sam gave him a once over. With the jacket unbuttoned you could still see a lot of the blood on the front of Josh’s shirt. “Button it.” 

Rather than argue this time, Josh just sighed and did as he asked. “Can I go out and play now mom?” Josh asked him. 

“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to put on your wool coat too?” Sam asked. That would cover-up even more of him. 

“Don’t push it,” Josh almost growled as he turned back to Donna and latched onto her hand again. 

Sam was wisely silent and considered himself lucky that he’d at least managed to get Josh into his jacket. The elevator arrived at the ground floor and the doors slid open. Two marshals were standing there directing traffic. 

“We sent the ambulances down to the prisoner receiving area so the press would be out of the way,” one of them said as he pointed off to his left. 

They headed quietly down the corridor, the only thing making noise was the squeaking and creaking of the gurney as it rolled along. Soon the corridor became too narrow for Josh to continue to walk beside the gurney and hold Donna’s hand so he dropped back to walk with Sam and Ainsley. 

Sam was still concerned that Josh wasn’t exactly stable on his feet so he took hold of one of Josh’s arms to help guide and support him as they walked down the corridor. Another marshal waited by a door at the end. When he saw their group approach, he held the door open for them. 

The wide, outdoor area they walked into was a large loading dock type of place where vehicles were usually brought to transfer prisoners from their holding cells to the court rooms. Because the prisoners were usually shackled when they were transferred, there was a ramp rather than stairs going inside. That turned out to be very lucky for them as the ramp was also ideal for bringing out the gurneys. 

Both to keep the prisoners from escaping and unauthorized personnel out, the area was cordoned off by a high chain link fence. However, it wasn’t really that hard to get up to the chain link fence itself. Because of the crisis at the courthouse, the fence was covered, shoulder to shoulder and three deep in reporters and press. As Sam, Ainsley and Josh came outside and followed Donna’s gurney to the waiting ambulance, the late afternoon erupted with the flashes from the collection of cameras and the shouts of questions the reporters were asking. But they all went ignored as the group walked to the ambulance. 

While Sam loaded Josh into the front passenger seat, Dr. Tillingham and the paramedics loaded Donna into the back of the ambulance and then climbed in after her. Sam was a little surprised to see Secret Service Agent Jones step out of a black sedan stopped next to the ambulance. 

“Mr. Seaborn, Miss Hayes. I took the liberty of contacting Agent Butterfield with a situation report. He instructed me to take both of you over to the hospital and to help you keep an eye on Mr. Lyman.’ 

“Thank you, Agent Jones,” Sam replied. He turned to Ainsley as the ambulance flipped on its lights and sirens and began to pull away. “You ready?” 

Ainsley considered mentioning the fact that she’d lost her shoes along the way and they’d left their coats and her briefcase in the security command center but she knew that Sam was in a hurry to get to the hospital so she just nodded. “Let’s go.” 

********** 

CJ, Toby and Abbey were waiting in the Oval with the President and Leo when Ron came in. “I just got off the phone with Agent Jones, Mr. President. It’s all over.” 

The mood in the room relaxed considerably. “What happened?” Leo asked. “Were they able to use the sedation agent more quickly than anticipated?” 

“No,” Ron replied. “Although they had begun introducing the agent into the room, they hadn’t gotten very far when the situation resolved itself mostly on its own.” 

The President pulled off his glasses. “Resolved itself on its own? How? Did the gunmen surrender? 

“Not exactly, Sir.” Ron paused. “When the deadline came and the gunmen found out that once again their demand would not be met, they broke off negotiations. According to Agent Jones, one of the gunmen aimed his gun at Donna Moss, who was unconscious at the time, and was going to kill her in retaliation. Josh Lyman threw himself in the way to try and protect her....” 

“Oh, my God,” Leo interrupted. “They weren’t...?” 

“No,” Ron told him quickly. “They weren’t shot. One of the other gunmen knocked the gun away at the last minute. Neither Donna nor Josh were hurt.” 

“Ron, I get the feeling that this is where you insert that huge ‘but’ we all know and love,” the President said. 

“But...” he began. “The issue of whether or not to kill Donna and/or Josh apparently started an argument between the gunmen that eventually led the gunmen to turn their weapons on each other.” 

“Well...is everyone okay?” CJ asked. 

“We have six confirmed dead, all gunmen. A number of minor injuries, including what looks to be a bullet graze on the back of Josh’s shoulder. And then five or six that have critical injuries. Everyone is being transported to area hospitals.” Ron told them. “There was one bit of disturbing news the Agent Jones had for me.” 

“What’s that, Ron?” Abbey asked. 

“It appears that Donna Moss, as a result of her earlier gunshot wound, is experiencing paralysis from about the waist down,” he explained. CJ’s gasp was audible. 

“Do you have more details on that, Ron?” Abbey asked. 

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Bartlet, but that’s all I have for now,” he replied. “They’re taking Donna to GW. I told Agent Jones to take Sam and Miss Hayes over there and help them keep an eye on Josh.” 

Leo went into business mode. “Toby? Why don’t you and CJ head over to the hospital too and keep us informed,” he told them. “But CJ, you need to be sure to come back here in time to be ready for the evening briefing.” he said. 

CJ nodded in reply. “Yeah, as soon as they find out that Josh, Donna, Sam and Ainsley are involved in the story, the Press is going to pour all over us like maple syrup.” 

“But it’ll be New Hampshire maple syrup, right?” Jed said. Even with the unsettling news about Donna, he was so relieved things had been resolved at the courthouse that he couldn’t resist making the little joke. 

“Of course, sir,” CJ told him. 

The President sobered. “CJ...Toby, seriously...” he began. “Please give Josh and Donna my best. If the two of them or Sam and Ainsley need anything...anything at all, all they need to do is ask.” 


	11. Trial by Fire 11

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 11**

“Well, I see it didn’t take them long to get here,” CJ said. Since it was just her and Toby in the car, she hadn’t even tried to keep the disgust and annoyance out of her voice at seeing the Press swarming all over the front of the hospital. 

“You sound surprised,” Toby said as he turned the car into the GW parking garage. He had to slow way down or risk running over a couple of photographers. Not that running over a couple of over-eager photographers wouldn’t have given him a sadistic sense of satisfaction. 

CJ let out a sigh. “No, not really. I guess I’d just hoped we’d at least get inside before they descended.” 

“Yeah,” he said as he pulled the car into an empty spot. “Even without the White House being involved, the Press has been circling ever since this nightmare began. Now that it’s over, they know where to land.” 

CJ looked at him for a minute as he turned off the engine. “Toby?” 

“What?” 

“Is the nightmare really over? Or is it just beginning?” she said quietly. “You and I know that the fallout from Rosslyn was almost worse than the shooting itself. Especially for Josh.” 

He stared out the front window into the semi-darkness of the parking garage. “One thing at a time, CJ,” he said with a sigh. 

CJ nodded and the two of them got silently out of the car. The sound of their footsteps echoed as they walked through the concrete parking structure toward the hospital. 

“You know, CJ, I’d like to think that we learned some things after Rosslyn. Somehow I don’t see us making the same mistakes twice,” he said. 

CJ gave him a self-deprecating smile. “Yeah, because we’ve never made the same mistake twice since we’ve been in the White House.” 

Toby gave her a little smile in return. “Actually, I think we’ve raised it to a new art form.“ 

CJ sobered as they paused in the shadows at the edge of parking garage. “Well, then I guess this time will just have to be the exception to the rule.” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. They stared at each other for a long moment. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, they stepped out into the late afternoon air and headed for the ER entrance. Once again they were faced with the gauntlet of press. 

“I wonder if the press is swarming like this over at Howard University Hospital,” CJ said. 

“I imagine,” Toby guessed. “But it’s probably more so here since they’re bringing the most seriously injured here. It will just get worse when they find out that the White House is involved.” 

Because it was the closest to the courthouse and had a Level-1 trauma center, the most seriously injured patients, like Donna, were being sent to George Washington Hospital in Foggy Bottom. The patients with lesser injuries were being sent to the trauma center at Howard University Hospital in Ledroit Park. 

They fell silent as they pushed their way through the mob of press. Even if they had tried to speak, they wouldn’t have been able to hear each other. The sound of the camera shutters clicking and the questions being shouted at them was deafening. Just about the time they thought they were permanently lost in the sea of reporters and photographers, they came to the edge of the ambulance bay where hospital security, the D.C. police, and the US Marshals had set up a perimeter. 

“Sorry, only authorized personnel. You’ll need to step back,” a D.C. police officer yelled over the din of the press. He apparently didn’t recognize them. 

Toby pulled out his I.D. and yelled back. “I’m Toby Ziegler and this is C.J. Cregg. We’re here from the White House.” 

The officer’s demeanor changed as he realized who they were. “Oh, yes, I was told to expect you. Please go right in,” he said stepping aside to let them pass. Once they were out of the crowd and in the ambulance bay, things began to quiet down almost immediately. They could at least speak without yelling at each other. 

“I don’t envy you your briefing tonight,” Toby added. 

“Thanks a bunch, Toby,” she replied. 

Toby pulled open the door to the ER waiting room and held it while CJ went inside. A long check-in counter manned by two nurses sat off to their left and overlooked the main waiting area. Wide glass windows behind the counter revealed the heart of the emergency room. The activity level in the ER seemed high as the staff scurried around to treat the influx of injured people. By contrast, the spacious waiting room was quiet and only about a quarter of the way full. The friends and loved ones of the shooting victims hadn’t had a chance to get there yet and apparently, before the events at the courthouse it had apparently been a relatively slow day in the ER. 

In the relative calm of the waiting area it was easy to spot Josh and Sam. They were the ones who were standing in a deserted corner of the room, arguing. A concerned Ainsley was standing quietly next to Sam. 

“Get out of my way, Sam,” Josh said as he tried to step around Sam and Ainsley. 

Sam stood firm and blocked his way. He considered telling Ainsley to be ready to do her flipping thing on Josh but with the injury on his back, Sam didn’t think that was the best idea. Plus, Josh was agitated enough that he might end up hurting himself in the scuffle. 

“Josh, please sit down,” he pleaded. “You know you can’t go in there. They said they’ll tell us when they know something.” 

“It’s not good enough,” Josh said in agitation as he began to quickly pace. “I need to see her for myself.” There really wasn’t much room to do it so he ended up pacing in a tight circle. He was a study in frenetic energy. 

“Hi, guys,” CJ said. 

“Hey,” Sam said. He was immensely relieved to have some back-up. 

As for Josh, relief was not the emotion he felt at seeing CJ and Toby. It was more like annoyance. They were just more potential roadblocks to him getting to Donna. 

“We came to see how things were going,” Toby said. 

“Things are going great, Toby,” Josh replied sarcastically as he continued to pace. “Things are just dandy.” 

CJ moved off to the side to stand by Ainsley. “He doesn’t look very good,” she said softly. He was pale and sweating, not to mention the fact that during his pacing his jacket had come unbuttoned and the large amount of the blood on the front of his shirt was readily visible. 

Ainsley nodded. “I know. He’s been agitated like this since they took Donna away and told him to wait here,” she replied, keeping her voice low. “Sam and I told the nurses that they needed to look at his shoulder but things are pretty chaotic in there right now and so they’ve pushed all but the most urgent cases to the back burner for the moment. He’s first in line, but for now he needs to wait.” 

CJ watched Josh continue to pace. “Is all that blood on the shirt his? 

Ainsley glanced at CJ, “No. The blood on the front is all Donna’s. His blood is hidden by his jacket.” 

CJ swallowed at the thought. There was a lot of blood. 

Josh, who’d been pacing with increasing anxiety, turned to face Sam and Toby. “Look, I’d love to stand around talking to you all day but I have to go check on Donna.” His head was pounding and his heart was racing. 

Toby moved a little closer to Sam, effectively blocking Josh’s path. ““No, you have to sit down,” Toby told him. 

“I have to see her!” Josh insisted. His stomach began to churn as he thought of Donna being alone. 

“No, I think what you need to do is calm down,” Sam told him. 

“Don’t tell me what I need!” Josh said, almost shouting. “I....” 

To Josh it was like watching a movie in slow motion with someone turning the sound down. Everything slowed and began to fade away. 

To Sam and Toby, it was like someone had almost flipped a switch and turned Josh...off. Given that Josh was almost in constant motion, was quite the stunning sight. Josh simply stopped speaking, got the oddest look on his face, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he crumpled to the floor. 

“Josh!” Sam yelled as he and Toby rushed forward. They got to him just in time to keep his head from smacking against the floor. 

One of the nurses manning the ER desk, rushed over to them. “What happened?” she asked. 

“I don’t know. One minute he was yelling and the next...he just stopped,” Sam said. 

The nurse checked his pupils and took his pulse. When she slid her hand under him to straighten him out, she was startled to feel wetness on the back of his shirt. Pulling her hand back she found it covered with a thin coating of blood. “Turn him on his right side,” she told them. Sam and Toby rolled him onto his side, she pulled his left arm out of the jacket and they made a startling discovery. 

The whole left side of the back of his shirt was now covered in blood - his blood this time. In fact it had also begun to spread around to the front left side of his shirt and down into his pants. None of them had realized it before then because his jacket had hidden his back and he’d been bleeding slowly enough that it hadn’t soaked through his jacket yet. 

“Why didn’t you tell me before he was bleeding?!” the nurse demanded. “You said the blood on him wasn’t his!” 

“The blood on the front of his shirt isn’t his!” Sam yelled back. “And last time he had his jacket off the bleeding on his shoulder had stopped. Besides, I told you he had a shoulder injury that needed to be looked at!” 

“I though you meant he’d pulled a muscle or something!” She turned and yelled back to the other nurse. “Cheryl! I need an orderly and a gurney out here! Stat!” 

********** 

Josh’s next memory was the image of some kind of blue striped material slowly coming into focus a few feet from his face. He slowly realized it was some kind of curtain. 

“He’s coming around,” an unfamiliar, disembodied voice said. Josh was too tired to find the energy to look for the source. 

He was on his stomach. Lying down on his stomach. When did he lie down? And why would he do it on his stomach? He hated lying on his stomach. Wait...Donna. His sluggish brain tried to shake off the cotton it seemed to be wrapped in. He didn’t have time to lie around. He had to find out about Donna. 

He tried to quickly sit up. But between the fact that sitting up quickly after lying face down was difficult and he was still a little dazed and dizzy, he nearly succeeded in rolling off the gurney. He felt hands firmly grab him and keep him in place. 

“Easy now, Mr. Lyman,” the unfamiliar voice said. 

Josh turned his head toward the voice. He found a tall, blonde man looking down at him. Given the white coat he was wearing, Josh assumed he was a doctor. A nurse stood next to the doctor. Josh saw Sam standing just behind them. The doctor and the nurse were both holding onto Josh’s arm and his legs so he didn’t roll off. 

“What’s going on?” Josh asked. 

“You passed out in the waiting room a few minutes ago,” Sam told him. He’d been allowed to come into the exam area because it was thought he might be able to answer some questions about Josh’s injury if he didn’t wake up. 

“And you’re here so I can find out why,” the doctor said. “I was just starting to examine you when you came to.” 

“I want to sit up,” Josh said. 

The doctor considered that. “Okay, but take it slow. Roll onto your side first, that should make it easier.” 

The doctor kept hold of Josh’s arm so he wouldn’t keep going and tumble off the gurney. Once he was on his side, the nurse gently pulled Josh’s legs over the side while the doctor helped him up into a sitting position. 

The room bobbled a little as Josh sat upright but stabilized after a moment. “How’s Donna?” he said. 

“They’re still examining her,” Sam supplied. 

“Mr. Seaborn told me you were concerned about your friend so I sent another one of the nurses to get her status,” the doctor said. “But right now you’re my concern. Now, how about we find out why you passed out? Can you take off your shirt?” They’d already removed his jacket. 

“I’m okay,” Josh said. It had become his automatic response. 

“Well, you passing out in the waiting room would seem to contradict that,” the doctor told him. “Off with the shirt.” 

“Please, Josh,” Sam said. “Let them take a look at you.” 

“Fine,” Josh muttered. He was really too tired to argue anyway and the truth be told, he felt like crap. He began to unbutton his shirt. His fingers didn’t want to seem to cooperate. 

With a kind smile, the nurse stepped up to him. “Here, let me help you.” She finished unbuttoning his shirt and then stepped around behind him. Carefully, pulling it away from his wound, she pulled off his bloody shirt and laid it next to him on the gurney. Then, because it was so matted with blood and entangled in the wound, she took out a pair of scissors and began to cut away his undershirt. Josh was so tired and dazed it didn’t even occur to him to be self-conscious about the scars on his chest. The nurse finished with his undershirt and laid the tattered pieces next to his dress shirt. 

Sam stood there and tried to stay out of the way. He blinked hard a couple of times when he saw Josh’s chest. He’d seen the bullet wound that night at Rosslyn but he’d never seen Josh’s scars. It was easy to forget just how close Josh had come to dying that night. 

“Mr. Lyman, those are some impressive scars on your chest,” the doctor said with concern. “Have you had open heart surgery?” 

The medical staff at the hospital didn’t know who Josh was and Sam hadn’t had a chance to tell them about Josh’s medical history. 

Josh sighed. He was in no mood to recount his last major visit to the GW ER. “Sam, could you tell him please?” 

Sam swallowed. “He was shot in the chest about two and half years ago. Um, the bullet lacerated his pulmonary artery. He was treated here so they should have his record on file.” 

The doctor nodded as the nurse began taking Josh’s blood pressure. “Yep, that would do it. Any lingering problems? High blood pressure, chest pain?” 

Sam didn’t know that information so Josh couldn’t foist off this part of the explanation on him. His voice was almost monotone as he spoke. “My blood pressure has run a little high since then, at my last check-up it was 130 over 87. I also have mild lingering pain in my right leg and arm and my back that I’ve been told will probably never go away completely.” 

Sam blinked at that too. Outside of the PTSD, he hadn’t known that Josh had suffered from any lingering affects from Rosslyn. 

The doctor glanced at the nurse. “His blood pressure is 100 over 60. His pulse is about a hundred.” 

“Well, Mr. Lyman, it looks like, at least for right now, your blood pressure is low,” the doctor told him. “That’s probably why you passed out. Stress, anxiety, blood loss and what I suspect is mild dehydration is probably what drove it there.” 

The doctor pressed the stethoscope to Josh’s chest and listened to his heart and lungs. 

“Your lungs sound clear. Your heart’s pounding a little hard, but that’s not unexpected with the low blood pressure and the stress,” the doctor said. “So, Mr. Seaborn tells me that you were involved with the situation at the courthouse and were caught in some cross fire?” 

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “I didn’t know until Sam told me.” 

“Well, let’s have a look,” the doctor said. 

While the doctor and nurse moved behind Josh to look as his shoulder, Josh laid his hands on each side of him on the edge of the gurney. His left hand connected with something damp. He looked down to see what it was. It was his dress shirt. Gripping it in his hand he stared at it. 

“Looks like you have a deep bullet graze here, Mr. Lyman,” he said, not aware that Josh had stopped listening. 

Blood. There was blood all over the shirt. Whose blood was it? His blood? Donna’s blood. Oh, God. It had to be Donna’s blood. There was so much of it. ‘Donna is tall but she’s so thin, she can’t afford to lose that much blood,’ he thought. 

“With the stress and anxiety you’ve been experiencing and the pacing that my nurses tell me you were doing in the waiting room, the wound was staying damp so it couldn’t clot or dry enough to stop all the bleeding.” The doctor droned on, but Josh was oblivious to what he was saying. “Plus the simple act of moving around a lot didn’t help either because it was pulling the skin in all directions and keeping the wound open.” 

Then Josh saw his hands. They had blood on them too. Not thick like on the shirt but enough...more than enough...especially around the cuticles. Donna’s blood. There was also a thin bloody patch on his stomach. More of Donna’s blood. He had Donna’s blood all over him. Oh, God. 

His stomach went from being mildly queasy to violently nauseous in about 2 seconds. 

“Nurse, let’s start an i.v. to get him hydrated and then we’ll clean and stitch...” 

“I’m...I’m going to be sick,” Josh interrupted. 

With the doctor and nurse being on the other side of the gurney, Sam knew it would take them a few seconds to get around in front of Josh so he did the first thing that came to mind. He snatched up a small trash can and held it up to Josh’s chin. It was just in time too. No sooner had he held it up than Josh began violently retching into it. 

Josh hated throwing up. Next to, well, getting shot, it was probably the thing he hated the most. Dealing with nausea and vomiting were a little like dealing with Republicans. You fought against it hard and usually you could overpower it, but sometimes the vomiting and the Republican’s won, no matter how hard you tried. In this instance though it was more like he’d been sucker punched. His whole body convulsed as he vomited. It did nothing to help the throbbing in his head or the pounding of his heart. 

He didn’t have much in his stomach which made it that much harder. But soon the heaving slowed and then stopped. The nurse handed him a tissue to wipe his face. He did and threw it into the trash. Sam took the can from him and set it back down on the floor. 

“Are you okay, Mr. Lyman?” the doctor asked. 

“I have to take a shower,” Josh said shakily. 

“That’s not a good idea right now,” the doctor told him. “You’re very weak and we need to treat...” 

Josh gripped the doctor’s arm tightly. “You don’t get it. I HAVE to shower!” 

“But...” the doctor tried. 

“I’ve got blood all over me!” he exclaimed. 

“The nurse can clean you up...” 

“No, I’ve got HER blood all over me! I have to scrub it off!” 

The doctor saw that his patient was nearly hysterical. Which wasn’t necessarily unexpected given his physical condition and all he’d probably been through today. He thought quickly. “Okay, Mr. Lyman, I’ll let you shower, but you have to calm down or you’re going to pass out again.” He watched his patient slowly get a hold of himself. “Now, I need you to promise me a couple things.” 

Josh tried to control his breathing and his continuing nausea. “What?” 

“We have a decontamination shower room here in the ER with towels and strong soap you can use. But I don’t want you in there for more than 10 minutes and you’ll have to sit on a shower stool because I don’t think you’re strong enough to take a shower standing up. You’ll also need someone in there with you. Not in the stall itself. There’s a little dressing area just outside the shower where they can wait. It can be a nurse or an orderly or a friend, like Mr. Seaborn, but I want someone with you in case you have any difficulties.” 

“Okay,” Josh said with a questioning glance at Sam. 

“Sure, no problem,” Sam replied. 

The doctor nodded. “And most importantly of all, the nurse is going to put a water proof cover over your wound and you have to promise not to disturb it. We’ll treat it and start your i.v. when you get out of the shower. All right?” 

“Okay,” Josh promised. Anything...he would have done anything if it meant they were going to let him shower. 

********** 

Josh sat in the pounding stream of the hot water with his head bowed and his eyes closed. He felt more exhausted than he had since his early recovery days after Rosslyn. Exhausted to the point where raising his arm was almost too much effort and even the prospect of sitting up was a little overwhelming. The stool had been a definite godsend. Without it he doubted he would have lasted 30 seconds in the shower. He was even too exhausted to release some of the tears he felt brimming right below the surface. So instead of tears his body had settled for a dull, throbbing ache in the center of his chest. 

Before he’d gotten too exhausted, he’d managed to scrub every inch of his body that he could reach while he was sitting down. Except the back of his shoulder, of course. They’d even given him a small disposable brush for his hands, just like the surgeons use when they’re scrubbing for surgery. 

“How you doin’ in there, Josh?” Sam’s voice came through the curtain. 

“Okay,” Josh managed as he reached up and turned off the water. 

Sam’s arm snaked through the slight gap at the front of the curtain with a towel. “Here you go, Josh,” he said as he held the towel in Josh’s general vicinity. “The nurse brought you something to wear,” he said from the other side of the curtain as Josh took the towel and tried to work up enough energy to dry himself off. “Let me know when you’re ready for them.” 

“Okay,” Josh replied, tiredly. 

“You’ll be happy to know I talked her into give you some scrub pants to go along with the hospital gown,” Sam said, trying to be positive about something as dreary as hospital attire. “But I’m sorry to say you’ll have to go commando because they don’t have things like boxer shorts.” 

“No problem,” Josh said. Using the large metal handrails in the handicapped shower he raised himself enough to shove the towel under him so his butt wouldn’t be completely dripping wet when he tried to put his pants on. “Sam, can I have another towel and the pants?” 

“Sure thing,” Sam replied. 

First the towel appeared and Josh tossed it under his feet so he’d have a semi-dry place to stand on. Then the green scrub pants appeared. Hanging onto one side of the pants he dropped them down and slid first one foot and then the other into them. Somehow he managed to pull the pants up to mid thigh without rolling off the stool. With his balance being off like it was, he took that as a minor miracle. Grabbing the handrail again, Josh pulled himself into a standing position, leaned his head against the wall for extra balance and managed to pull his pants the rest of the way up. 

‘It’s a hell of a thing when it takes all my physical and mental skills to pull my own damn pants up,’ he thought. Well, his pants were a little wet, but wet from water he could deal with. Anything was better than wet with blood. Heavily, he sat back down on the stool. 

“You need any help?” Sam asked. 

“No, you can open the curtain. I’m decent,” Josh told him. 

Sam pulled back the curtain. Josh looked miserable. Clean, but miserable. “Feel better?” 

“Sure,” Josh told him. 

“Here’s the gown,” Sam said handing it over. 

“Well, isn’t that stylish?” Josh commented as he looked at the gown. He cursed his own vanity for having to wear it. If he wasn’t so sensitive about people seeing his scars he would have just worn the pants. Silently, he pushed his arms through the arm holes and pulled it up around his neck. 

“You want to me to tie it?” Sam asked, trying to be helpful. 

“No, just leave it. But I think you’re going to need to get a wheelchair because I doubt I’m going to make it back to the gurney under my own power.” 

Sam looked at him for a minute. “I’ve got one waiting outside the door. Can you make it that far?” 

“We’ll find out,” he said as he pulled himself up by the handrail. Since the shower was handicapped there was thankfully no lip to step over so Josh kind of shuffled the two steps over to Sam. From there, Sam took Josh’s arm in one hand and opened the door handle with the other. Pulling the wheelchair around, Sam guided him down into it and wheeled him back to the examination bay. 

“Any word on Donna?” Josh asked quietly as Sam helped him sit back up on the gurney. 

“No, not yet,” Sam said quietly, knowing that wasn’t the answer Josh wanted. 

“Why the hell not!” Josh grumbled. “I’ve been in here for like a half hour! I can’t believe you haven’t been able to find out anything!” 

Sam felt some real irritation at that...and hurt. “Well, Josh, first of all I left my mind reading underpants at home so I can’t find out what no one is ready to tell me and second of all, I’ve been a little busy, making sure you didn’t pass out in the shower and split your head open.” 

“Well, excuse me for....” Josh’s rebuttal trailed off as a nurse came in. 

“Mr. Lyman?” 

Josh shot Sam a glare and then turned to the nurse. “Yes, I’m Mr. Lyman.” 

She looked between the two men, knowing she was interrupting something...from the sound of it, something heated, but it was too late to go back by then. “I was told you were looking for some news about Miss Donnatella Moss?” 

Josh and Sam’s irritation with each other fled instantly. “Yes,” Josh told her. 

“Due to the blood loss from her injury, Miss Moss’ blood pressure was very low, so they gave her some fluids and a couple pints of blood to stabilize her for surgery. While they were stabilizing her, they ran some tests. They’ll know more after the surgery but from the x-rays they took, it looks like the bullet is lodged near her spine. They took her up to surgery about 15 minutes ago and depending on what they find, her procedure is likely to take 5 or 6 hours. Once she’s out of recovery, they’ll be taking her to the ICU.” 

“Do they know what her chances are?” Sam asked softly. 

The nurse looked between Sam and Josh. “With surgery there’s always a risk, but the surgeon seemed to think she had every chance of coming through the surgery.” 

Josh didn’t have anything to say in reply. He knew she was purposefully not saying anything about whether or not Donna would walk again. 

“Thank you,” Sam said for both of them. 

“You’re welcome,” she said with a nod. Then she turned and walked out of the examination bay. 

Before Josh or Sam could say anything else, Josh’s doctor and another nurse came back in. “Well, Mr. Lyman, feeling any better?” 

“Yeah,” Josh said sullenly. 

He’d expected his patient to be in a better mood after the shower. “Okay, why don’t we get to work on that shoulder? We’ll give you a couple of stitches so the scar won’t be so noticeable.” 

“Whatever,” Josh mumbled. It wasn’t like a new scar was going to make any difference. His torso already looked like a road map. 

The doctor looked over the instruments to make sure he had everything, while the nurse started Josh’s i.v. “Oh, Mr. Lyman,” the doctor said as he pulled on his gloves. “I don’t think I mentioned it before but I’d like you to stay overnight for observation.” 

“No,” Josh replied. 

“But it would be for the best. With your blood loss and...” the doctor began. 

“No!” 

“Josh, please, listen to him. He knows what he’s talking about.” Sam put in. 

Josh felt out of control both emotionally and physically. Josh did not do feeling out of control very well. And now everyone was trying to tell him what to do. He couldn’t stay overnight. He had to be with Donna when they brought her to the ICU. Didn’t they know that? How could he do that if was stuck in some hospital bed? 

Unfortunately for Sam, he was the handiest target. 

“Sam, I really think I can speak for myself,” Josh said with a glare. “I don’t need you to stick your nose in where it’s not wanted.” 

“Josh, come on...” 

“No, Sam, I mean it. I don’t need your opinions, in fact I don’t need you here at all.” The exam bay got deathly silent. 

Sam stood there with fists clenched. This time he’d skipped over irritation and gone right to anger to go with his hurt. “Doctor, nurse, could you give us just a minute?” he said quietly. 

The doctor looked between the two men. They looked mad enough to come to blows. He hoped it didn’t come to that. His patient, as much as he might deserve it for his behavior, was in no condition to stand up, much less get into a physical confrontation with someone. 

Sam seemed to read his concern. “Don’t worry, doctor, we’re just going to talk.” 

“All right,” he said with a nod. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.” With that, the two of them left the bay. 

“Look, Sam, I don’t want...” 

“No, Josh, you look,” Sam said, his voice low and hard. “I don’t care what you want. You’re going to listen to me now.” 

“Sam...” Josh began, not wanting to hear Sam’s lecture on why he should stay in the hospital. 

“No, Josh, I’m talking now and I’m tired of being your designated whipping boy and I’ve had just about enough of being your baby sitter. From the moment this started I’ve done everything I can to help you and Donna. And all you’ve done is snap at me and basically tell me that you don’t want me around. I know that you’re injured and you’ve been traumatized and you’re worried about Donna, but you know you’re not the only one who’s had a tough day.” 

Josh was stunned speechless. The conversation had gone in a completely different direction than he’d expected. 

Sam continued on. Now that he’d started, he was going to have his say. “I was in the hallway when the gunmen came by. They pointed their guns at Ainsley and me too and I didn’t know whether or not they were going to kill us just because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” 

Sam laughed mirthlessly. “And then... AND THEN, stupid me, I was ready to try and look into the courtroom to see if I could help you guys, but Ainsley stopped me. Looking back, she probably saved me from getting my head blown off. But all I could think of was trying to get to you and Donna.” Sam swallowed and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. 

“You know, I saw them shoot Donna live on the surveillance feed. I watched you cradle her in your arms and I watched you put your own body between her and danger. I saw the bullets start flying when they started shooting each other and I saw the blood from the wound on your shoulder start to spread across your shirt. All I kept thinking is this the time? The time when these gunmen were going to succeed where the white-supremacists had failed? The time when they killed you AND Donna both? How would I deal with that? How would I be able to go on knowing that I’d let you down again?” 

Josh wanted to asked him what he meant by that but Sam was on a roll. 

“You know Josh, you don’t have the corner on worry. Donna’s my friend too and what’s more, so are YOU, and I’m worried about both of you. Seeing both of you bleeding today reminded me of when CJ, Toby and I watched you almost bleed to death at Rosslyn. Did you know that we had your blood all over our hands? You’re not the only one who knows what it’s like to have someone’s blood on your hands...on your clothes. To want to scrub your hands until they’re raw just to get it off.” 

Josh didn’t know anything about that. 

“So forgive me if I wanted to see you spend the night, safe and sound and taken care of in the hospital. Besides, it’s not like you weren’t going to be here anyway. You know God damn good and well that you don’t plan on leaving until you get to see with your own eyes that she’s going to be okay. She probably won’t wake up before tomorrow morning anyway. If I was wrong to think that it might be a good idea for you to get a good nights sleep in a nice bed rather than have Donna see you looking like death on a Triscuit after sitting all night in some waiting room chair, well, then, you can just fucking sue me. 

“Sam,” Josh said, his voice filled with apology. 

But Sam simply ignored him. “I’m sorry it’s been such a hardship having me around. It’s something I’m going to rectify right now. So go ahead and yell and scream and snap at whomever you’d like, because it’s not going to be me.” 

With that, Sam turned and strode out of the bay. 

“SAM! Sam wait!” He tried to get off the gurney to go after him but about the time his feet hit the floor his legs gave up the ghost and he sank to his knees. He didn’t even have the strength to get up on his own. He’d have to wait for the doctor or the nurse to come and help him. He buried his face in his hands. 

‘What have I done?’ he thought miserably. 


	12. Trial by Fire 12

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 12**

“You know, Ainsley, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” CJ said. 

Sam was still in the ER with Josh, and Toby was off somewhere calling Leo to give him an update, so it was just the two of them in the waiting room. 

“What is it, CJ?” Ainsley said with a little frown, expecting CJ to have some legal question for her. 

“Well, maybe this is horribly obvious and I’m just missing it, but is there some reason why you aren’t wearing any shoes?” 

Ainsley’s frown melted into a smile. “I sort of lost them at the courthouse. I didn’t have time to go back and find them.” 

“Oh, I see,” CJ said, not sure that she really did. ‘How does someone lose their shoes?’ she wondered. Before she could voice that question, Ainsley went on. 

“Actually I thought after you left I’d go over to the gift shop and see if they sold slippers or something. If not, I’m about ready to settle for some of those booties the doctors wear over their shoes.” 

Rather than make Toby drive her, Leo had sent his car to pick up CJ and take her back to the White House so she could get ready for the evening briefing. She expected the car any minute. 

CJ smiled at her. “The booties would make quite the fashion statement wouldn’t they?” 

Ainsley grinned widely, “Yeah, that’s just what I was thinking.” She held out one slim leg and studied it with a critical eye. “At least I shaved my legs yesterday,” she noted. “I decided to ditch my pantyhose when I went to the bathroom, both feet were just two big holes anyway.” She laughed softly. “Of course, my feet are now filthy and the lady who does my pedicures is going to throw small pointed tools at me, but such is life, I guess.” 

They both started laughing at that, but were interrupted by the sight of the ER doors flying open and Sam stomping heatedly into the waiting room. 

“Uh, oh, this can’t be good,” CJ commented. He didn’t look upset like he’d gotten bad news or anything, he just looked good and pissed. 

Sam didn’t even seem to see them. Blindly he turned and headed for the doors that lead to the ambulance bay. Throwing open the door and taking a step outside, he recoiled in surprise as camera flashes exploded in his face and questions were shouted at him from the press that were still swarming outside the ambulance bay. 

Stumbling back into the waiting room, Sam did an about face and headed deeper into the hospital. 

“I better go talk to him,” CJ said as she and Ainsley stood up. Just then, the black sedan Leo sent pulled into the ambulance bay. Torn, CJ looked between the sedan and the direction Sam had gone in. 

“Look CJ, you should get back to the White House. I’ll go find out what’s going on with Sam,” Ainsley said. 

CJ still looked worried. “Well...” 

“If he gives me any trouble I’ll sic Toby on him,” Ainsley told her. 

That made CJ smile. She’d always liked Ainsley...well, once she’d gotten over the fact that she was a Republican. She’d made a fine addition to the Sisterhood. “Okay, but let me know if there’s anything I should know about. Tell the guys I’ll be back after I call a full lid,” she said as she headed for the car. At the door she turned and paused. “And find something to put on your feet!” she called with a grin before disappearing outside. A few flashes went off as she climbed in the car and it pulled out of the bay. 

Ainsley smiled back at CJ and then looked down at her bare feet. ‘Well, my feet are just going to have to wait,’ she thought as she turned and started after Sam. 

She didn’t see him at first and wondered if he’d gone into the men’s room or into some other room she’d missed. But then she turned a corner and found herself at the end of a very long hallway. Sam was just visible at the far end of it. She almost called out to him, but he was far enough away that she’d have to yell loudly and she didn’t think that the hospital patients and staff would appreciate it. Instead she just redoubled her pace to try and catch up with him. Of course with her being so short catching him was still a challenge, Sam was probably taking one stride for every two of hers. 

Hurrying down the hall, she saw him come to a ‘T’ in the corridor. He paused for a minute before he turned and went to the right. When she followed him around the corner she found herself in yet another long hallway. ‘Geez, this place is a maze,’ she thought. This time there was no sign of Sam. With a frown she started down the corridor to see if she could find him. 

When she got about halfway down, she heard a thud. Moving toward the sound she came upon a small waiting room on her right. It was deserted except for Sam who was standing in the middle of the room with his back to her. As she stood silently in the doorway, she could see his shoulders heaving a bit as he tried to catch his breath. Whether it was from his pacing through the halls or his anger, she couldn’t tell. His hands were on his hips and his head was tipped back as if he was looking at the ceiling. Trying to get a grip on his emotions, she supposed. 

A wooden coffee table sitting next to him on the floor was turned over and the magazines that had presumably been sitting on it were now scattered beside him on the floor. She assumed it was the thud she’d heard. From the looks of it he’d come into the room and flipped it over. 

In her bare feet she didn’t make any noise on the carpeted floor as she walked into the room. “You know, GW is a great hospital...” she began as she knelt down and started to pick up some of the magazines off the floor. “But I can’t say much for their housekeeping skills.” She stood up with a small stack of magazines in her arms to find Sam staring at her quizzically. “Hey, Sam,” she said with a little smile. “How’s it going?” 

His face was haggard, his hands were now hanging loosely at his sides, and there was a tired slope to his shoulders. “What are you doing here, Ainsley?” he said quietly. 

“Checking on you,” she replied gently. “You looked pretty upset when you came out of the ER and I just wanted to see if you needed someone to talk to.” She paused. “I know you’d probably rather talk to CJ or Toby, but CJ had to go back to the White House and Toby’s on the phone with Leo, so you’re just stuck with me.” 

“I don’t mind talking to you,” he said earnestly. “Besides, talking to Toby when I have a problem usually isn’t very productive. His advice is generally something to the effect of ‘get over yourself’.” Sam seemed to rally himself and he pulled his shoulders back a bit straighter. “Not that I have a problem or something that I need to talk about. I’m fine...really.” 

“Oh, I see,” she said, setting the stack of magazines on a chair. Then she bent down and started to pick up another batch. “Then I suppose you came barreling out of the ER and straight into the mob of reporters on purpose?” 

Sam stared at her, he’d forgotten for a moment how hard it was to get anything past her. “I...I’d really rather not talk about it.” 

“Sam, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” she said sweetly as she picked up the last of the magazines. “But I would appreciate it if you righted that coffee table you flipped over when you came in here.” She looked at him for a moment. “After all, I need some place to put all these magazines.” 

He blinked at her for a moment and then down at the overturned table. He only vaguely remembered entering the room, catching the edge of it with his hand, and turning it over with an angry flick of his wrist. His choices had been that or putting his fist through the wall, and he kind of liked his hand in one piece so he’d picked the table. 

“Oh, sure,” he said as he took hold of the table and set it to rights. He watched Ainsley as she casually fanned the magazines out on top of it. 

“There,” she said brushing off her hands. “Much better.” She caught him staring at her. “What is it, Sam? You’re staring at me like I know the secret of the universe and won’t tell you what it is.” 

“What?” he said shaking himself. “No, I...” He mentally fumbled around for something to say. “I just...” Then his eyes landed at her feet. “Ainsley, why aren’t you wearing any shoes?” 

Ainsley rolled her eyes and covered her face with her hands. “Oh, God,” she moaned. “This is all I’m going to hear about for a while, isn’t it? You guys are going to start calling me ‘The Barefoot Republican’ or something, aren’t you?” 

Sam grinned slightly in spite of himself. “Well, NOW we are.” 

“Thanks a lot, Sam.” 

Just talking to her like this...about nothing, was making him feel better. He took a couple of steps forward. “Seriously, where are your shoes?” 

She eyed him for a minute. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell you why I’m not wearing any shoes, if you come with me to the cafeteria.” 

“Ainsley, are you hungry again?” 

She looked up at him with a little smirk, “Gee, Sam, I would think you’d know me well enough by now to know that’s a pretty stupid question. But I’ll answer it anyway. Yes, I’m hungry again or more accurately, I’m hungry still.” She looked at her watch. “In fact, you should thank your lucky stars. I’ve only had a half a candy bar since breakfast and it’s now past dinner time and I haven’t turned crabby or started to gnaw on the furniture...yet.” 

Sam smiled. “Well, I think I’ve done enough to try and damage the furniture tonight, so I guess I better feed you.” The two of them stepped out into the hall. “I think the cafeteria is down in the basement, which means we have to go down a floor,” he said as they walked toward the elevator. “So what’s the deal with your shoes?” 

She gave him a sideways glance. “Well, I guess I can trust you not to renege on our deal if I tell you. And if you do, I’ll just gnaw on you.” 

He blinked at the images that her words conjured. “Oh-kay.” 

“So, my shoes...well, when you went charging out of the security office I took off after you. But I was wearing high heels, and it takes real talent to run in high heels,” she began. 

“I’ll take your word for it.” 

“Men have no idea how lucky they are, Sam. No pantyhose, no high heels, no PMS, no childbirth...” 

“Ainsley, I know your blood sugar is probably a little low but for right now, can you try and focus in on one instrument of male oppression and just tell me about your shoes?” he teased as they stepped into the elevator and he pressed the button for the basement. 

“Sorry. I also get easily distracted when I’m hungry. Anyway, I was trying to catch up with you, so I kicked them off.” 

He waited for her to finish but she remained silent as they rode down in the elevator. “And...?” he prompted. 

“And that’s why I’m not wearing any shoes,” she answered, not understanding. 

“No, that explains why you took them off,” he said as they stepped off the elevator and followed the signs down the corridor to the cafeteria. “What I meant was....why didn’t you put them back on?” 

“Well...” Ainsley began, a little embarrassed. “I took them off but I didn’t think to pick them back up and take them with me. I was in more of a hurry to see what trouble you were getting yourself into than to worry about my shoes.” 

Given the oddly steel-like bond women had with their shoes, Sam found it touching that she’d just abandoned hers to come after him. “Go on.” 

“Well, there’s not much else to go on about. In all the confusion, I’m not exactly sure where I left them and then we left the courthouse in a bit of a hurry so my stuff, including my shoes, got left behind.” 

“What stuff?” he asked. 

“My coat, purse and briefcase.” She let out a little breath as they walked through the cafeteria door. “My pantyhose went in the trash because they were all torn up from not wearing any shoes. I thought I’d check the gift shop and see if they sold some slippers or something but I haven’t had a chance.” 

Sam looked down at her feet. “Well, you have nice feet,” he told her with a little grin. “They’re a little dirty at the moment, but I especially like the candy apple red toenail polish.” 

She smiled, suddenly a little shy. “Thanks.” 

Sam insisted on paying for her dinner, which was a good thing since as she’d said, her purse was still at the courthouse. They sat down at an empty table in the mostly deserted cafeteria. Ainsley’s tray was piled high with a dinner salad, garlic bread, a cheeseburger, onion rings, a slice of coconut cream pie for dessert, and much to her delight, a Fresca. Sam, on the other hand, had a cup of hot black coffee and a small bowl of chicken noodle soup and crackers. He only had the soup and crackers because Ainsley had cajoled him into it. 

“Ainsley, don’t you ever have problems with indigestion or anything from eating so much?” 

She took a bite of garlic bread and shook her head. “Nope, not at all. See Sam, what you fail to realize is that I’m from the South. In the South, everything is linked somehow to food: weddings, birthdays, funerals, housewarmings...whatever. Whenever any more than two people get together chances are there will be food and you’ll need to taste all of it or risk offending Aunt Angie or Uncle Joe or Cousin Fanny.” 

“You have a cousin named Fanny?” he asked. 

“No, it was just an example, although I do have a cousin Gert, it’s short for Gertrude, I think, we don’t like to talk about her much though, she killed her first husband on their wedding night,” Ainsley said between bites. 

How she managed to talk and eat at the same time and yet be neat and ladylike about it, Sam didn’t know. He also didn’t know how she’d managed to charm him right out of his bad mood. 

“So that would make her ‘the black widow’ of the family rather than ‘the black sheep’?” Sam commented. 

“I think we’ve gotten off track here...” 

“Not to mention the fact that you said she killed her ‘first husband,’ which would imply that she had a second one,” Sam commented. “I mean who would be brave enough to be the ‘second husband’ after she killed the first?” 

“She’s actually had four, but that’s beside the point.” 

“She had FOUR?” 

“Sam...” she whined. 

“What was the point again?” 

“Food...the South.” 

“Oh, right.” 

“What I was trying to say is that when you have to eat all that food you learn to have a strong stomach and so, no, I’ve never had a problem with indigestion.” 

Sam let out a sigh and leaned back in his chair. “Well, I’m officially exhausted from that dance around your family tree.” 

“Eat your soup, Sam, you’ll feel better,” she told him. 

They fell into a companionable silence as Ainsley plowed through her dinner and Sam picked at his soup, stirring it more than actually eating it. 

“Josh and I had an argument in the ER,” he blurted quietly. 

‘Now we’re getting somewhere,’ Ainsley thought. “Oh?” she asked casually, not wanting to push him. From her time around Sam, she knew that he’d be more forthcoming if he did it in his own way. 

“Well, it wasn’t so much of an argument as it was me yelling at him,” he said as he stared into his bowl of soup like it held all the answers. 

“You yelled?” she asked in surprise. Sam wasn’t much of a yeller. Oh, he could get mad but usually his voice got lower and harder, rather than louder when he did. 

He glanced at her as she took a bite of her cheeseburger, then back down at his soup. “Well, it was more a case of me talking forcefully to him rather than yelling at him.” 

She resisted frowning at that. She couldn’t remember Sam and Josh ever having a real argument. “Well, I’m sure you must have had a good reason.” 

“I don’t know,” he said. “He was being a little overbearing, not necessarily an unusual thing for Josh, but then he said he didn’t know why I was there and he didn’t need me and...I don’t know,” he repeated. “I just...snapped. The next thing I know I’m yelling...sorry, forcefully talking at him.” 

“What did you say?” she asked setting the remaining half of her onion rings on his tray. Almost unconsciously he picked one up and took a bite. 

“Something like I was tired of being his baby sitter and whipping boy. How I’d done everything I could to help him and Donna and all he’d done was snap at me.” He stirred his now tepid soup as Ainsley finished her burger. 

“All good points, Sam,” Ainsley told him. 

“But...” 

“But what, Sam?” she asked gently. “Were you wrong?” 

He thought about that for a minute. “No, I guess not, but...” 

“Did you say those things to be purposely mean or hurtful?” she asked, trying to get him to think it through. 

“No,” he told her. 

“Well, then, Sam, don’t you think you’re being just a little hard on yourself?” 

He chewed thoughtfully on an onion ring. “I guess...it’s just that I probably should have been more understanding. Next to Rosslyn, this is probably the worst day of his life.” 

Ainsley laid her hand on his arm. “Sam, today was no picnic in the park for you either. I was there, remember? I saw how much you worried about them today. I was the one who had to keep you from trying to go inside the courtroom. I watched as you were the one who brought Josh back when he was having the panic attack. You were his friend, and Donna’s, in every sense of the word today. What’s more, you were at Rosslyn, too. Today had to bring back some memories of that.” 

Sam took a sip of his coffee. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.” 

“Exactly, so I think you should give yourself a break, Sam. You’re entitled to have a short fuse, just like Josh probably has a right to be a little mean and snippy.” She squeezed his arm. “You’re both just trying to get through this day the best way you know how.” 

Sam considered that. “Yeah.” 

She took a drink of her Fresca. “And now that you’ve both had a chance to cool off, I’m sure that Josh will forgive you and the forceful talking, just like you’ve already forgiven him for being overbearing and thoughtless.” 

“How do you know...?” 

Taking the plastic wrap off the piece of coconut cream pie she set the plate down between them and pulled out two extra forks she’d gotten just for this purpose. 

“Because you’re both decent, generally rational men,” she told him. “And because you’re friends. You’ll talk, you’ll apologize, then you’ll have some kind of male bonding ritual that will undoubtedly involve something stupid like slugging each other in the arm and all will be fine.” 

He smiled. “You know you’re pretty smart for a Republican.” 

“Yes, I know,” she said with a grin as she held a fork out to him. “Now, help me eat this coconut cream pie.” 

He smiled as he took the fork from her. “Thanks,” he said softly. 

They both knew he wasn’t just talking about the coconut cream pie. 

“You’re welcome, Sam,” she replied. 

With both of them working on it, the pie disappeared quickly. “Well, I guess we should head back upstairs so I can, you know, slug Josh in the arm.” 

Ainsley grinned. “Okay, sounds like a plan to me,” she said as she moved to get out of her chair. “OW!” 

“What’s wrong? You okay?” 

Ainsley frowned and looked down at the floor. “I think I just cut my foot on something.” 

Sam knelt down. “Let me see.” She held her foot up a bit so he could see the bottom. “Yeah, you cut it all right, it’s bleeding a bit,” he said, looking at the one inch cut on the arch of her foot. “I don’t think you’ll need stitches or anything but someone should look at it.” 

“Can you see what I cut it on?” Ainsley asked him as she tried not to notice how nice the warm touch of his hands felt on her bare feet. 

Sam ran his hands over the floor and the metal base of the table. The base was made up of four prongs and on the prong nearest to Ainsley he found a piece that had been bent up, leaving a small point sticking out. “There’s a little piece of metal sticking up on the table base, I think you cut it on that.” 

He reached up and pulled a couple of napkins out of the dispenser on the table. Completely opening one up, he refolded it into a long strip. Then he took another one and folded it into a small pad. Gently pressing the pad onto her foot, he wrapped the strip around her foot and carefully tied it. 

“Why, Sam, you’re quite the MacGyver.” Ainsley commented as he tended her foot. 

He smiled. “Well, I’m just sorry I don’t have a handkerchief. It would have worked better than a napkin.” He stood up. “Stay right there,” he said as he picked up their trays and put them in the bus tub set up by the trash. 

“Oh, and a NEAT MacGyver at that,” she commented when he came back. 

“Well, my mom always taught me to pick up after myself,” he told her. 

“Good for her,” Ainsley replied. “Now we should....eeeeek! Sam, what are you doing?!” she demanded as he scooped her up into his arms. 

“I’m taking you down to the ER so someone can look at your foot,” he said as he started to carry her out of the cafeteria. He liked carrying her. She felt good in his arms. 

“Sam!” she said putting her arm around his shoulders. “As much as I appreciate it, I’m sure I can hobble down to the ER under my own power,” she argued as they walked down the hall. 

“You don’t like me carrying you?” he said with a teasing little smile. 

“Well, I didn’t say that,” she commented softly. “But that’s not the point.” 

“What was the point?” 

“You can’t just go carrying women around the hospital,” she told him as they stopped at the elevator and he angled her around so she could push the ‘up’ button. 

“Ainsley, it’s not like I’m going to start carrying around all the women in the hospital. I’m not planning on becoming the human wheelchair or anything.” 

“But I’m heavy,” she said, grasping at straws. She didn’t know exactly why she was arguing with him, she actually liked being carried by him. 

“No, you’re not. I have briefcases heavier than you.” 

“But...” 

“Look, I’m just carrying you because you’re injured and you talked me out of being mad at Josh. It’s a gesture. I’m a man of gestures.” The elevator doors opened and he carried her inside. “So why don’t you just enjoy it?” 

She laughed at that. “A man of gestures? You really can be so corny sometimes, Sam.” 

“I know,” he said sheepishly. “Toby’s been trying to cure me of it but so far no luck.” 

She watched him. “And I hope he never does, it’s one of the things I like most about you.” 

Sam looked at her for a moment and was trying to formulate a response, but was interrupted by the opening of the elevator doors which revealed a slightly perturbed looking Toby. 


	13. Trial by Fire 13

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 13**

“I’ve been looking all over for you. Why haven’t you been answering your cell?” Toby asked. 

Sam had switched his phone to vibrate when they’d gotten to the hospital. He’d felt it ring twice. First, when he’d been taking his anger out on the table in the deserted waiting room, which he’d ignored in case it was Josh and then again right after he’d picked up Ainsley when he’d had his hands full. 

“Well, I’ve been a little busy, Toby,” Sam replied as he carried Ainsley out of the elevator. 

“Ainsley?” he said as he fell into step next to them. 

“Yes, Toby?” 

“Why is Sam carrying you?” 

She glanced at Sam and then back to Toby. “He’s a man of gestures,” she replied as if being carried by Sam was the most natural thing in the world. Sam grinned widely. 

“A man of...” Toby replied. “What the hell...?” 

“She cut her foot,” Sam explained. “I didn’t want her walking on it.” 

“Well, Ainsley, I’m sorry you cut your foot, but Sam, did it not occur to you that we’re in, oh, I don’t know, a hospital and they have things called wheelchairs you could have put her in?” 

“Nope,” Sam said simply. Ainsley laughed softly. 

“Ainsley?” 

“Yes, Toby?” 

“Why aren’t you wearing any shoes?” Toby asked. 

“Because she wants us to call her ‘The Barefoot Republican’,” Sam put in. 

“Oh, God,” she moaned, burying her face against his shoulder. 

“I’ll explain about the shoes later, Toby,” he said as they stopped in front of the ER check-in desk. “Nurse?” 

The same nurse that had come out to take a look at Josh earlier looked up at Sam and Ainsley. “Yes?” 

“My friend here has cut her foot on a piece of metal.” 

“Because she’s not wearing any shoes,” Toby added sarcastically. 

“I swear, if I live through today,” Ainsley vowed. “I’m going to have shoes surgically attached to my feet.” 

“Look, let’s get past the no shoes thing for now,” Sam put in. “I think someone should take a look at her foot.” He paused. “Oh, just so we’re clear, it’s bleeding.” He said, referring to her comment earlier that he hadn’t told her Josh was bleeding. 

The nurse knew he was being a little snarky and gave him a sarcastic smile in return. “I think things have quieted down enough for someone to take a look at it. You’ll probably need a tetanus shot too.” 

Ainsley paled at the word ‘shot.’ “Sam, I’m fine, really.” 

“Don’t worry, honey,” the nurse said as she came around the desk, got a wheelchair from the corner and rolled it over to him. “It won’t hurt a bit.” Sam put Ainsley down in the chair and watched as the nurse wheeled her into the ER. 

He turned to Toby. “Now, you said you were looking for me?” 

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “So you want to tell me what happened in the ER earlier with you and Josh?” 

“Why?” 

“Well, about the time I finished my call with Leo and walked out here to find none of you in the waiting room, the doctor that was treating Josh came out and said Josh was asking for you.” Toby looked at him for a minute. “He seemed to think the two of you had some kind of altercation. Any idea why he would think that?” 

“Probably because we did,” Sam replied. “It wasn’t a big deal. Josh was being pissy and I got mad and gave him a piece of my mind.” 

“And that’s why I haven’t been able to get you on your cell for the last hour?” 

“Yeah. I needed to take a walk and clear my head. Ainsley followed me and we ended up in the cafeteria.” 

“Well, if I’d known that Ainsley was with you, the cafeteria would have been the first place I would have looked,” Toby said. 

“Yeah, doesn’t take a genius to connect Ainsley and the cafeteria,” Sam commented. 

Toby looked at him for a moment. “Couldn’t you have cut Josh a little slack and held your comments until he was feeling a little better?” 

Sam looked at him for a minute, trying to control his irritation. He’d just climbed out of that hole and he didn’t want to jump back into it. 

“Setting aside the fact that it’s between me and Josh and before Ainsley cut her foot I had every intention of coming up here to apologize to him, do you think that YOU could cut ME a little slack right now, Toby?” Sam told him heatedly. “Today hasn’t been all that easy for me either,” he finished in a quiet voice. 

“Sam...” 

“So when all I did was try to help Josh get through today, which included keeping him from literally falling down on a number of occasions, and he said he didn’t need me or want my opinion, yes, I got a little mad.” 

“Sorry,” Toby said quietly. “I didn’t...the doctor just said Josh was pretty upset when you left.” 

That brought Sam up a bit short. “He was?” 

“Sure. You’re one of his best friends. If you had a thing, why wouldn’t he be upset?” 

Sam let out a breath. “I really need to go talk to him.” 

“Yeah...but you can’t right now.” 

“Why not?” Sam said with a frown. “He’s okay, right?” 

“He’s fine,” Toby assured him. “When we couldn’t find you, I went back to see him. They’d started his i.v. and were just finishing up his shoulder. Josh asked me if I’d been able to track you down. Obviously I said no. So he said when I did, I should tell you he was sorry for being an ass and that he was going to let them admit him overnight for observation.” 

Sam felt relief flood through him, things with Josh would be fine just as Ainsley had predicted. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Toby replied. 

“Okay...” Sam replied. “But why can’t I see him?” 

“Well, apparently he’s been having a lot of trouble with nausea, he even got sick again after you left.” 

Sam’s heart took a dip into his shoes. “He did?” 

“Yeah, and the doctor said it isn’t unusual with the stress and his blood loss. They gave him some anti-nausea medication in his i.v. but one of the side effects is drowsiness. Given all he’s been through today, and his admittedly ‘sensitive system’ he went right to sleep. They think he’ll be out for a couple of hours at least, they’re getting him settled in a room right now.” 

Sam nodded. “Sleep is probably best thing for him anyway. Is there any news on Donna?” 

“She’s still in surgery,” Toby replied. “Beyond that, no. But one of the two remaining gunmen died on the way to the hospital. The other one, the leader, Freddie Garcia, as well as the two other hostages that were critically injured are also in surgery.” 

“Well, since Josh is going to be asleep for a while, as soon as they get done with Ainsley, I’m going to take her home and then I’ll be back to talk to Josh,” he told Toby. 

Just then he remembered something Ainsley has said to him earlier. “Say, Toby, you wouldn’t happen to know where the gift shop is, would you?” 

********** 

Ainsley’s loft was on the second floor of a building on Cady’s Alley in Georgetown. It was one of the most sought after places to live. An area that up until a few years ago had been home to more rats than people. Because of it’s location along the C&O canal, the buildings had original been built for industrial use. But when commercial shipping had ceased on the canal long ago, the buildings had emptied out and had slowly fallen into disrepair. 

But in the mid-90s a group of architects, developers and business owners had gotten together and recognized the potential in the rundown buildings. Because most of the buildings were historic to some degree and because of Georgetown’s strict standards about building preservation, the mostly two-story brick buildings couldn’t just be demolished. The group had bought the buildings and over the last few years renovated them to accommodate retail space downstairs and residential space upstairs. The project had completely revitalized the now thriving area. Cady’s Alley was the art and design center of Georgetown and was a model for what urban renewal could and should be. 

Ainsley had first come to Cady’s Alley when she was thinking about moving to DC. She’d had lunch with a friend at a restaurant nearby and she knew that’s where she wanted to live. Although some people leased or rented their residential units, most, like Ainsley, owned theirs. Even though at 1600 square feet her unit was one of the smallest, it had taken every last scrap of her grandmother’s inheritance as a down payment and a mortgage of her own to manage it, but it had definitely been worth it. 

“This is really an amazing place you live in, Ainsley,” Sam said as they slowly made their way up the flight of stairs to her loft. She’d threatened to flip him again if he tried to carry her. 

“Thanks, Sam. I really love living here,” she said as they limped up to the door of her loft. “You know you really didn’t have to come with me,“ she said as she slid her key into the lock. “I am fully capable of riding in a cab by myself.” 

“Well, I wanted to come along so you wouldn’t have to get out and then carry everything yourself when the cab stopped off at the courthouse. Lucky for us, the officials investigating the shooting were still on sight and they were able to let us into the security office. I’m really sorry they couldn’t find your shoes,” he said apologetically. 

“It doesn’t matter anyway, with this cut on my foot I couldn’t have worn them for a few days anyway,” she said with a sigh as she fished the keys out of her purse. “Although, I will miss them. They were good shoes. They were the perfect shade to go with this suit and they were almost comfortable,” she pushed the door open and limped inside to turn on a lamp. 

“Besides, I had to come with you so I’d have one more chance to admire your lovely footwear,” he said, referring to the pink terrycloth slippers that she was currently wearing. They’d been the last pair of slippers in the hospital gift shop. They’d cost a fortune too, but the look on her face when he’d given them to her had been well worth it. 

“Thanks again for getting them for me, Sam. You made me feel like Cinderella,” she teased as she tossed her keys on the end table. “Oh, just put my bags and my coat by the door,” she told him. 

He set her things down and glanced around her spacious loft. It practically screamed ‘Ainsley’. Tasteful, efficient and functional, but with deep, rich undertones that made you feel welcome. 

“So if you feel like Cinderella...does that make me Prince Charming,” he said with a little smirk. 

“Either that or the Fairy Godmother,” she said with a grin as she leaned her hip against the couch to take the weight off her foot. 

His smirk evaporated. “Oh..oh..kay...” he said blinking quickly. “Let’s just keep that one to ourselves. My sexuality seems to be in enough question with everyone in this town already.” 

Ainsley looked at him for a long moment as if rolling something around in her head. “I don’t have any questions about it, Sam,” she said enigmatically. 

He blinked at her again and he felt a warm rush go through him. “Well, I better go...the cab’s waiting and all...” Despite his words, he still hadn’t moved from his spot just inside the open doorway. 

Ainsley hobbled over to the door and stopped within a foot of him. “Sam?” 

Was it getting hot in here? “Hmmm?” 

She crooked her finger at him and he leaned down so that he was only inches from her face. “Thank you for looking out for me today,” she said softly. Then she slid her hand up to his jacket lapel and pulled him the rest of the way until their lips met. She knew she was playing with fire and she honestly hadn’t planned it ahead of time, but there she was kissing Sam Seaborn in the entry hall of her loft. 

Part of her was screaming that they were too different and he was a democrat and they were co-workers and this was probably not a good idea... but the rest of her was screaming ‘SHUT UP AND KISS HIM!’ even louder. 

Lips only, the kiss was soft and tentative, but not unpleasantly so. It was a first kiss, a kiss of discovery, a kiss that let both parties decide if they wanted it to be more or not. 

After a moment, she released her death grip on his jacket and their lips drifted apart. Silent but for the sound of their slightly quickened breathing, they stood there looking at each other. 

“You’re welcome,” Sam whispered. 

For the second time that day, Ainsley saw close-up how intensely blue Sam’s eyes were. But unlike this morning when they had been a cool, calm blue, now they were a warm, deep blue. It reminded her of the trip she’d taken to the Bahamas, where the water was so warm and blue you wanted to wrap yourself up in it, become part of it. 

Now it was Ainsley’s turn to feel the temperature dramatically rise in the room. ‘Wow, Sam’s a really good kisser,’ she thought. She wanted to ask him if they could do that again, but before she could, his mouth was descending toward hers and everything but the feeling of his lips on hers fled from her brain. 

This time the kiss was not tentative. It was hot and steamy and passionate. Sam coaxed her mouth open with his lips and his tongue. She gave as good as she got. He never remembered kissing being such a heady experience. Kissing her was unlike anything he’d ever known. His arms slid down and around her petite form as hers went around his neck and her fingers playfully raked through his hair. 

Neither one of them had any concept of how long they’d been standing there when they finally broke apart. “That was...” Sam tried to begin. “Well, I don’t know what that was...” He swallowed. “But whatever it was, I’d like to do it again...soon.” 

“I’d like that, Sam,” she said coyly. 

He stood up a little straighter so he wasn’t tempted to kiss her again. “Um...we could try it again now, but I need to get...you know, back...to the...um, hospital.” 

Ainsley grinned to see him so...befuddled by their kiss. “I know, Sam,” she told him. “No need to explain. The promise of getting to kiss you again is enough. ‘Cause after all, you are a man of gestures,” she teased. “And kissing is a VERY big gesture.” 

‘Especially the way he did it,’ she thought. She took a step back so she wouldn’t be tempted to kiss him again. If they started kissing again, she was afraid she’d never let him leave. “Now, go apologize to Josh and call me if you need anything.” 

Sam smiled. “I’ll call you even if I don’t need anything.” 

“Okay,” she said with a widening grin. 

“Bye,” he said, the regret clear in his voice as he backed out of her loft. 

“Bye.” She closed the door gently and leaned up against it. She was finding it really hard to wipe the grin off her face. God, she felt like she was fifteen again and she’d just had her first date. 

This was going to be interesting. 

********** 

Sam was still smiling by the time he got back to the hospital. It was amazing to him just how far two people could come in one day. 

After stopping at the ER desk to get the room number, he headed up to see Josh. It was nearing the end of visiting hours, but the President and Mrs. Bartlet had used their considerable pull to get permission for Sam and Toby to stay with Josh as late as needed. Pull not afforded to them because of their public positions, but because of the fact that the Bartlets had donated enough money to the hospital to have a new surgical wing named for them. 

Stepping out of the elevator, Sam turned and headed down the corridor to Josh’s room. The door was closed so he took a breath, both to wipe the stupid grin off his face that he hadn’t been able to shake since kissing Ainsley, and to gather some courage for what he and Josh needed to talk about. Knocking lightly, he opened the door and went in. 

Josh was the only patient in the two-bed room. The light above his bed, and the light from the TV were the only lights that were on. His bed was inclined about halfway between sitting and lying down. Appearing to be a little groggy but wide awake, Josh looked a little better than he had when Sam had seen him in the ER, but only a little, and he still had an i.v. dripping into his arm. Toby was sitting in a chair next to the bed. It appeared they’d been watching the news reports and recaps of the courthouse standoff when he came in. 

“Hey, Sam,” Josh said quietly. 

“Hi,” he replied. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better, thanks.” 

Like any two people who want to make up after a fight, a slight awkwardness hung in the air between them. 

“Any word on Donna?” 

“She’s still in surgery. The surgeon is going to come down and talk to me when they’re done,” Josh told him. 

“Oh, good.” Sam said with a nod. 

“Ainsley get home okay?” Toby asked Sam. 

Sam couldn’t stop the grin that emerged at her name. “Yeah, fine.” 

“What’s with you?” Toby asked curiously. 

He tried to reign in his facial muscles but did a really poor job. “Nothing. What do you mean?” 

“He means the grin,” Josh put in. “If you’ve got something good to share with the class, now’s the time.” 

Sam looked between the two of them, not knowing how they’d take the news that he’d been fervently kissing a Republican less than an hour ago. “Well...I sort of, kind of...might have, you know, kissed Ainsley when I took her home,” he said, half waiting for the explosion. 

Josh turned to Toby. “You know, I’ve been wondering about them for a while and this morning I got a really strong vibe from them.” 

“Yeah,” Toby told Josh. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed it myself.” 

Sam was stunned with not only their lack of surprise or dismay, but with the fact that they had apparently picked up on some signal that Sam didn’t know he or Ainsley had been transmitting. “You knew? How did you know? I didn’t know.” 

“Well, ‘we knew’ might be too strong,” Josh told him. “Let’s just say we suspected. It was just a feeling. You get this weird look in your eye when she’s around sometimes.” 

“Weird look?” Sam frowned, baffled. “Wait. But...you’re okay with me dating her? You’re not going to yell or throw things at me or make me stand in the corner or anything?” 

Josh shrugged and then winced because the motion had pulled at his stitches. “Nope, I like her, even if she is a Republican.” 

Then Toby put in his two cents. “Look, Sam, as long as you’re not with a hooker...sorry, call girl...what you do with your personal time is of little consequence to me.” He paused. “But let me be clear here, the first time and I mean the very first time, I find the two of you having sex in your office, or you come to me complaining about the fight you two had, I will rip your head off and mount it on my wall as a deterrent to all those that come after. Do I make myself clear?” 

Sam swallowed. “Crystal.” 

“Good.” He leaned back in the chair. “I guess it won’t be too much of a pain to have her around, after all she is less annoying than either of you,” Toby grumbled. 

Sam grinned at them... things had just gotten a little easier. 

A silence fell between the three of them and Toby knew that Josh and Sam had some things to work out, so he stood up and stretched. “Well, I think I’ll go get some coffee and find out when CJ’s planning on coming back over here,” Toby said as he walked to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit.” With that he walked out into the corridor, closing the door behind him. 

Now that he and Josh were alone, Sam suddenly felt his nervousness return. ‘Moment of truth,’ he thought as he sat down in the chair Toby had vacated. “Josh...” 

“You know, Sam, I wanted to say thanks for making me put my jacket on back at the courthouse.” Sam frowned in confusion so Josh explained. “Toby and I were watching coverage of the thing on MSNBC. They showed us coming out of the courthouse. I don’t really remember the moment, I was pretty focused on getting Donna into the ambulance.” He paused. “I didn’t realize just how much blood I had on me but after seeing my shirt in the ER and seeing the pictures here on TV, I know that if I hadn’t been wearing my jacket all we’d be seeing were images of me in a blood soaked shirt. So thanks.” 

“You’re welcome,” Sam said. “I figured you’d rather skip that particular photographic moment.” 

There was a momentary lull between them. 

“I’m sorry...” they both said together, then laughed. 

“Josh, I’m sorry that I got mad and took it out on you...” Sam began. 

Josh held up his hand. “Nah, I deserved it. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry. I was being a jerk and taking it out on you. You were nothing but helpful and the truth is I couldn’t have gotten through today without you.” He paused. “In a way, you blowing up helped knock some sense into me. Made me realize that I was out of control and needed to get a grip.” 

“Thanks,” Sam said. “I appreciate you saying that.” 

“So...are we okay now?” Josh asked with a grin. 

“Yeah.” Sam grinned back. “You know, Ainsley said I should punch you in the arm as a male bonding thing when we worked things out, but I’d just as soon skip that part if that’s okay with you.” 

“That’s okay with me, I’ve been smacked around enough for one day,” Josh replied. “So Ainsley, huh?” 

“Yeah, oh, say, speaking of Ainsley, do me a favor. When you see her next time, be sure to call her ‘The Barefoot Republican’.” 

Josh frowned. “Okay...but can I ask why?” 

“Well, it’s kind of a long story but it has to do with her wearing no shoes for most of the day because she lost them at the courthouse.” 

“What, were you two playing footsies or something?” Josh teased. 

Sam grinned. “No, nothing like that.” He leaned back in his chair, suddenly exhausted now that he and Josh were back on an even keel. 

“You look tired, Sam. Long day?” Josh said dryly. 

“How’d you guess?” 

“Well, put your feet up on the bed and relax. Toby and I were just watching the coverage of the thing when you came in. CJ just finished her briefing.” 

“How’d she do?” Sam asked as he rested his shoes on the edge of the bed. 

“Good. It was feeding frenzy as you can imagine, but she held her own.” Quiet fell between them as they watched TV for a minute. 

“I didn’t realize that the gunmen had come right past you,” Josh said quietly a few moments later. “I mean, I guess I never stopped to think that they might have threatened you and Ainsley too. That must have been pretty scary. I know seeing them charge into the courtroom sure was.” 

“Yeah.” Sam tried to think of a way to put it into words. “You know at Rosslyn at least we didn’t have to see the gunmen up close and personal. These guys...the look in their eyes as they came down the hall...it’s just not something I’ll ever forget.” 

“I know exactly what you mean,” Josh said with a nod. “Hey, Sam, can I ask you something?” 

“Sure, anything.” 

“When we were in the ER you said something and I didn’t quite know what you meant,” Josh told him. 

“What?” 

“You said something about not being able to take letting me down again. What did you mean?” 

Sam thought for a moment trying to remember what Josh was referring to. Then he did. “Oh, that...well, it was nothing.” 

“No, really, I want to know,” Josh prompted. 

Sam let out a breath. “I’ve always kind of blamed myself for the fact that it took so long for us, or should I say, Toby, to find you at Rosslyn. We were all so busy with our own stuff...I just...I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of looking out for you. I should have made sure you were okay. Then today I kind of let you down too.” 

“And how exactly did you let me down?” Josh asked with a frown. 

“Well, if I’d gone with you into the courtroom maybe I could have done something. At the very least I could have helped you protect Donna.” 

“Sam, if you’d gone into the courtroom you also very well could have gotten killed. Besides, you didn’t know that armed gunmen were going to burst into the room.” Josh grinned. “Now if you’d remembered to wear your mind reading underpants that would be a different story. By the way, I want to know where I can get a pair of those.” Josh was glad to see Sam’s answering smile. “Seriously, Sam, just like I told you when Toby and I got stuck in Indiana and you had had to staff the President, you never let me down - not at Rosslyn and certainly not today.” 

“Thanks, Josh,” Sam said. Then he slowly sat up and punched Josh lightly in the arm. “It felt like a male bonding moment,” Sam explained as he sat back in the chair. 

Josh grinned. “Ah-kay.” The two of them continued to watch the news coverage. “So Donna said she loves me,” Josh blurted. 

Sam looked over at him. “Yeah? She said that?” 

“More than once,” Josh said with a touch of a smirk. 

“You said you loved her too, right?” 

“Well, yeah but I’m not sure she heard me, she was almost uncon...wait. What do you mean did I tell her I love her too? How do you know I love her?” 

“The same way you knew Ainsley and I would have a thing. You get this look in your eye when she’s around. Plus that flirty, banter thing you have going on is a dead giveaway. You and Donna are the worst kept secret in DC.” He paused. “Well, except maybe from the two of you.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me that I loved her?!” Josh demanded. 

“Because I thought sooner or later you’d figure out you loved her,” Sam replied. “Donna already knew she loved you, but you’re kind of slow when it comes to stuff like that so...” 

“How do you know Donna knew she loved me?” Josh interrupted. 

“Easy, because of the way she kept encouraging you to date other women all the time,” Sam replied. 

“But...but...” Josh sputtered. “I asked you about that and you said you didn’t know why she did that.” 

“Well, I couldn’t tell you the real reason until you figured out you loved her too. If I’d told you before, then things would have been weird between you two.” 

“Okay, remind me to kill you when I get better.” 

Sam looked at him for minute, “No I don’t think I will. ‘Cause by then I hope to be having quite a lot of sex with Ainsley and I don’t plan to miss out on it.” He paused. “So what are you going to do about it?” 

“About what?” 

“About your feelings for Donna,” Sam explained. 

“Tell her I love her when she’s conscious and then wing it, I guess.” 

“Um, Josh, I hate to tell you this, but you and the winging...ah, not so much.” 

“Well, then, Dr. Ruth, what would you suggest?” Josh asked. 

“First of all you need to extract yourself from Amy,” Sam told him. “She’s really not good for you Josh.” 

“Donna said the same thing. Why don’t you people ever tell me these things?” he demanded. 

“Because when we do, you get defensive and you do them anyway. In fact, as I recall I told you Amy was a bad idea and you went after her anyway.” 

Josh laid back against his pillows. “Okay, valid point. Crap. What am I going to do about Amy? I’m not good with confrontations.” 

“That’s not true, you’re great when it comes to political confrontations. What you suck at is interpersonal confrontations,” Sam pointed out. 

“Okay, Sam, you’re way too...illuminated tonight.” 

Sam cocked his head and grinned. “I am, aren’t I? Boy, if this is how brilliant I am after kissing Ainsley, I can’t wait to see what happens after we have sex.” 

“Sam?” 

“Yes?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Oh-kay,” he said with a little grin. Sam watched Josh for a minute and saw him frown as a recap of the scenes at the courthouse and the images of Donna being brought out played across the screen again. Of course to the casual observer, Donna was so swathed in blankets and the sandbags used to stabilize her body that you couldn’t tell it was her, but Josh and Sam knew. 

“She’s going to make it, Josh,” Sam said quietly. 

“Yeah, that’s what I keep trying to tell myself,” Josh replied. He let out a breath. “We should be hearing something in a couple hours.” He glanced at the time stamp on the corner of the TV screen. “She’s been in surgery for about 3 hours. The nurse said it should take 5 or 6 to finish her surgery.” 

“Did you call Donna parents yet?” Sam asked. “Or your mom for that matter?” 

“I haven’t had much of a chance to call either of them,” he told Sam tiredly. “Toby was going to have CJ pull Donna’s parents’ number in Madison. I have the impression that Donna and her parents aren’t on the best of terms, but I was planning on calling them after I got an update from the surgeon. I probably should call my mom now. It’s only 8 o’clock and if she’s seen the news then she’s definitely still up and probably worried sick. I’m not entirely sure where my cell phone is right now.” 

“Here, use mine.” Sam started to reach into his pants pocket. “Wait a second, someone’s calling me,” Sam told him as he felt the phone vibrate in his hand. Pulling it out, he looked at the display but didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?” 

“Hey, Sam. It’s Amy Gardner. Is Josh there? I tried his cell but he’s not answering.” 

“Hi, Amy,” Sam told her. “I’m not sure now is a good time,” Sam told her. 

“I just want to see how he’s doing,” she replied. “I’ll only talk to him for a minute.” 

“Look, Amy, I...” 

“It’s okay, Sam,” Josh said quietly. He had a lot to work through where Amy and Donna were concerned and he really didn’t want to talk to Amy right then, but he knew he couldn’t avoid her forever. Talking to her now would give him some room to work out how he was going to tell her he’d discovered his feelings for Donna and that the two of them were done. 

“Hang on, Amy,” Sam punched the mute button on his cell phone. “You sure you want to talk to her?” 

“No, but I will anyway,” he said holding out his hand for the phone. Sam switched off the mute button and handed it to Josh. 

“Hey,” he began. 

“Hi, J. How are you doing? 

He wasn’t ready to go into detail about what had happened at the courthouse. “I’m...okay.” 

“You at the hospital?” 

Josh was surprised at that. He figured most people would have thought he was back at the White House. “How’d you know?” 

“You’re quite photogenic on TV,” she tried to joke. After the words were out of her mouth, she sensed that might not have been the best way to go. Being a comfort wasn’t something she did well under the best of circumstances, and with Josh she was really at a loss as to how to proceed. 

“Oh, you saw the news.” 

“Kind of hard to miss, J,” she told him. “It’s on nearly every channel. I also caught CJ’s briefing. She said they were keeping you for observation.” She paused. “You had an awful lot of blood on you, J. You sure you’re okay?” she asked. 

Josh smiled mirthlessly. What she didn’t know, couldn’t know, was that he had a lot more blood on his shirt than he did on his jacket. And of all the blood he had on him, only about 30 percent was his, the rest was Donna’s. He swallowed hard at the thought. He’d already thrown up twice, quite the feat since he’d had nothing but a cup of coffee and half a bagel all day, and he’d vowed he wasn’t going to do it again. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m fine.” Physically, anyway. He wasn’t going to mention passing out in the waiting room. 

Since he’d appeared to be walking under his own steam when she’d seen him on TV, she had no reason to doubt him. “How’s Donna?” she asked next. 

He had to swallow again before answering her. “She’s, um...in surgery right now. They think she’s going to make it.” Well, the doctors thought that she was going to live anyway. Beyond that they were being very tight-lipped. 

“You up for visitors tomorrow?” she asked. “I could bring you some soup or something.” 

“I appreciate the offer, Amy, but they’re just keeping me overnight,” he told her. “I’m sure I’ll be out before visiting hours even start.” Not that he would be leaving the hospital, but that was an even better case for why she shouldn’t be there. 

His voice sounded strange but she didn’t know what to say next. She’d run through her mental playbook of ideas. “Well, I just wanted to see if you were okay. Let me know if I can do anything.” 

“I will,” Josh told her tiredly. 

Why did Amy have the feeling she was going to be the last one he was going to turn to for something? 

And why did she feel so much relief when she realized that? 

“Look, Amy, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.” He knew it was an empty platitude but it was all he had left. 

‘Well, this just gets weirder and weirder,’ Amy thought. All her usual ways of dealing with Josh were not working. “Okay. Take it easy,” she said softly. “Hey, J?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I hope Donna’s okay,” she said with genuine concern. 

Josh sighed. “Thanks.” With that, they ended the call and Josh stared at the phone in his hand. 

“How’d it go?” Sam asked. 

“About like you’d expect.” 

Sam watched him for a moment. “You’re going to have to come up with a plan for how to deal with her, Josh. It’s only going to make things harder with Donna if you don’t.” 

Josh sighed. “I’m working on it, Sam, I’m working on it.” 


	14. Trial by Fire 14

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 14**

It was late, a little after one a.m., and Josh’s room looked more like a battered war room than a hospital room. That included having bodies strewn around. MSNBC had finally ended their continuous coverage of the courthouse, so Hardball with Chris Matthews was playing softly on the TV. 

Sam had finally passed out from sheer exhaustion and was snoring softly on the other bed in Josh’s room. Between the two beds, Toby was awake and slumped in a chair with his feet propped up next to Sam. As for CJ, she was sitting on the other side of Josh in another chair. She was splitting her time between watching TV and watching as Josh somehow managed to look like he was pacing in bed. Maybe it was just that he was mentally pacing. In any case, it was kind of freaking her out. 

“Josh, you’re going to have a stroke if you don’t calm down,” CJ said gently. 

“It’s taking too long,” he said, the worry clearly in his voice. 

“You know what the nurse said,” she reminded him. “The surgery was going fine but it’s going to take a little longer than they expected.” 

“Eight hours, CJ, they said it would be 5 or 6 hours and she’s been in there for over eight hours.” 

She looked at him for a moment. “And when you were shot, they said your surgery would be 12-14 hours and it took 16,” she said softly. 

“CJ...” 

“All I’m saying is that it takes as long as it takes. So, could you at least try and get some rest until the doctor shows up?” 

“I’ll rest after the doctor tells me she’s out of surgery,” Josh told her firmly. 

“Josh...” 

“What if she’s paralyzed, CJ?” he blurted. 

CJ looked helplessly from Josh to Toby and then back to Josh. “One thing at a time, Josh, one thing at a time,” she said quoting Toby’s earlier words to her. 

The three of them turned with a start when a soft knock sounded at the door and it opened. 

Two men, obviously doctors given the fact that they were both wearing scrubs and white lab coats, stepped inside. One of them was bald and appeared to be in his 50’s. The other one was tall with dark straight hair and appeared to be in his late 30’s. The two of them appraised Josh, Toby, CJ and Sam for a moment. 

Toby poked Sam a couple of times in the back to wake him up. Sam was a pretty heavy sleeper so he swatted at Toby’s hand a time or two, but when he saw their two visitors, he groggily sat up and rubbed his eyes. 

“Mr. Lyman?” he said looking toward Josh. He knew the man he was supposed to see had been injured in the same incident that his patient had been involved in. 

Forgetting his wound, Josh sat up suddenly and winced. “Yes, I’m Mr. Lyman.” 

“I’m Dr. Chambers,” the bald one said. “This is Dr. Scott. We just finished Miss Moss’ operation.” 

“Oh, yes, doctor. Please how is she?” Josh asked. 

“Well, first of all I just want to say that because the four of you are not family members I wouldn’t normally be quite so forthcoming with information…” Dr. Chambers began. 

“We are family…” CJ insisted. 

“And I’m in love with her,” Josh said. 

His comments caused CJ and Toby to exchange glances, but they remained silent. They hadn’t been in the room when Josh was telling Sam what had happened between him and Donna in the courtroom. The Impervious Contingency was looking more and more like something they’d need to put into action. 

The doctors exchanged slightly amused glances. “As I was saying,” Dr. Chambers went on, “I wouldn’t normally be so forthcoming, but…when I get a call from President and Dr. Bartlet, I tend to bend the rules a bit.” 

“They called you?” Josh asked. “I had no idea.” But given the President and Dr. Bartlet’s attachment to the staff, he wasn’t surprised. 

“Yes…I was on my way to surgery and they somehow were able to get through to my head scrub nurse. Actually Abbey and I went to medical school together.” He paused. “They told me that they’ve spoken to Miss Moss’ parents, and since they live in Wisconsin and can’t be here, her parents said it was all right for the First Family to stand in their stead. Abbey tells me that by extension you’re all part of the First Family so I’d better keep you well informed.” He smiled. “Plus, Abbey threatened to come down and oversee my work if I didn’t cooperate.” 

Although he was grateful that the President and Dr. Bartlet were intervening, it bothered Josh that her parents would allow their daughter to lie in a hospital, possibly paralyzed and let someone else stand in for them. On the other hand, with their less than ideal relationship with Donna, not having them there might be better in the long run. Any added stress couldn’t be good for Donna. 

“So how is Donna?” Josh asked. “Did she come through the surgery all right?” He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle anything but an affirmative answer. 

“Yes, she did quite well, actually,” Dr. Chambers said and even though he didn’t know the middle-aged, curly-haired man lying in the hospital bed, he knew relief when he saw it and this man had it. The kind of relief that gave you permission to start breathing again because the person you’re worried about isn’t going to die. 

“We were able to remove the bullet,” he continued. “Because the bullet went in at an angle it did quite a bit of damage. It went through part of her transverse large intestine and the duodenum section of her small intestine. In the process of repairing the damage, we had to remove small sections of both intestines, but given some time they should heal completely. She won’t be able to eat or drink anything for the next week or so and will have to be fed intravenously but once it heals she shouldn’t have any lingering problems from the injury.” He paused. “However, her spinal injury is another matter.” 

Josh swallowed and had trouble getting out the word. “Paralysis…?” 

He nodded and looked at his colleague. “Dr. Scott is Miss Moss’ orthopedic surgeon. I’ll let him tell you this part.” 

Dr. Scott nodded. “Yes, the bullet was lodged very near her spine. The impact caused a fracture of her T11 vertebra…” 

“T11?” Sam put in. 

Dr. Scott explained. “The spine is divided into 3 sections. The cervical, which starts at the base of the skull and contains 7 vertebrae, the thoracic, which extends from about the chest down and contains 12 vertebrae, and the lumbar, which beings just below the waist and contains 5 vertebrae. So when we talk about which vertebra is involved we list it by the spinal section and the specific vertebra. So in Miss Moss’ case, it’s her 11th thoracic vertebra.” 

“Oh,” Sam said with a nod. 

“Now, the injury from the bullet and the resulting inflammation and fluid accumulation was putting pressure her spinal cord. The spinal cord is very susceptible to damage from any kind of pressure or compression.” 

‘That doesn’t sound very promising,’ Josh thought. “But you can treat that, right?” he finally managed to say. Unconsciously he held his breath while he waited for the answer. 

Dr. Scott looked at him for a moment. “Yes and no,” he replied. 

“Yes and no?” CJ asked. “What does that mean?” She tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice but didn’t do a very good job. 

Something Dr. Scott had learned about spinal injuries, there were never absolutes. Sometimes you had successes and sometimes great failures, but most of the time things fell in a distinctly gray area. The problem was, it was difficult to explain that to a patient or a family member who wanted a definite and clear answer. He was used to the annoyance and the frustration and it didn’t phase him. 

“During her surgery, we cleaned the area, removed fluid and damaged tissue, and we’ve started her on a course of a corticosteroid called ‘methylprednisolone' to reduce the swelling and inflammation. She'll get daily i.v. injections while she's here in the hospital and then in a tablet form for a few weeks after she's released.” 

“So without the inflammation, her spinal cord will be all right, won’t it?” Sam asked. 

Josh felt himself jerk slightly at Sam’s question. Part of him was screaming that he didn’t want to know the answer if it was anything but good news. 

Dr. Scott, let out a breath. “The spinal cord is a wondrous but extraordinarily delicate thing. It doesn’t respond well to any kind of injury, no matter how minor, and it’s not very good about healing itself. That’s why it’s wrapped in the protective casing of the vertebra. With the corticosteroids for the inflammation and the removal of the fluid and the bullet, we’ve done all we can for her spinal cord. Until things calm down a bit in the area we won’t know the extent of her paralysis.” 

‘That’s not good enough!’ Josh wanted to scream. He wanted…needed to know NOW. He needed answers and the ones this doctor was giving him were too vague. But in the part of his mind that could think rationally, he knew that the doctor couldn’t give him what he didn’t have. No one could, and that made it all the more frustrating. 

“And when will that be?” Toby put in. He’d been quiet until then, simply taking in the overwhelming about of information that was being thrown at them. 

“Probably about a week,” Dr. Scott answered. 

“That long?” Josh asked in disappointed surprise. Waiting a week to find out if Donna was going to be permanently paralyzed was too long. 

“I’m afraid so. It takes time for the inflammation and the swelling to go down. Recovery of some movement or sensation within one week usually indicates eventual recovery of most function, although it can take up to 6 months. Losses that remain after 6 months are likely to be permanent. So we’ll evaluate her in about a week.” 

‘Oh, God,’ Josh thought. The reality of what Donna might be facing was really coming home to him and he ached for what she was probably going to have to go through. It was like someone had removed his heart and left a big crater in his chest. 

“Why did her surgery take so long tonight?” Josh asked abruptly. He needed some kind of definitive answer to at least one question or he’d go crazy. 

“Since Miss Moss was already under anesthesia, we went ahead and took the bone grafts she would need for her second surgery,” Dr. Scott told him. 

“Second surgery?” Sam put in with an almost audible catch in his voice. The mood in the room took a perceptible dip at the prospect of Donna having to go back into surgery. 

“Yes, Miss Moss will need a second operation to address her fractured vertebra. We'll perform what's called a spinal fusion procedure.” 

“What's spinal fusion?” Josh asked. For some reason, he had a horrifying vision of a blow torch and metal. 

“Actually the name is a bit of a misnomer,” Dr. Scott explained. “We don't actually 'fuse' the spine, at least not initially. It's an operation in which we implant bone grafts around the area of the fracture, in this case, between Miss Moss’ T11 and T12 vertebrae.” 

“Where do you get the bone grafts?” CJ asked. 

It felt like some kind of ‘spinal surgery round robin’ in the room. They each seemed to be taking some of the questions so no one of them, as in Josh, had to bear the burden of thinking up and asking them alone. 

“From her pelvis.” 

“Is this spinal fusion really necessary?” Josh asked. He knew they wouldn’t be recommending it if they didn’t think it was but he hated the idea of Donna having to have another surgery. 

“In my opinion, yes. The T11 and T12 vertebrae see a fair amount of stress because they are in the area where the spine has to support the weight of the body as the person bends at the waist. I’m concerned that if we don't intervene, the fracture site won't heal back to its full and original strength. As the bone grafts and the spine heal they will grow together adding strength and stability to the spine and injury site.” He paused. “To further stabilize the spine while it heals we’ll also be attaching two eight-inch steel rods, one on each side of her spinal column to act as an internal splint.” 

Josh felt himself blanch at the idea of metal and hardware being put into Donna. For some reason the bone graft didn’t bother him as much but the idea of them screwing and attaching things….uh…he suddenly felt nauseous again. He had to blank his mind for a moment before he managed to throw up for the third time in 18 hours. He managed to even tune out Sam with mental humming when he asked the next question. 

“A splint?” Sam asked. “How long do the rods have to stay in?” 

“Well, they could stay in indefinitely. Or if everything goes well and she doesn’t need them, they could be removed in year or two. Most people end up just leaving them in because they don’t want to go through another surgery.” 

Josh’s brain began to tune back in and it occurred to him that her injury and the surgery she was going to have was going to mean one thing…pain. The thought of her in pain, twisted inside him like a venomous snake. 

“Is she now or will she be in a lot of pain?” Josh blurted softly. 

Dr. Scott knew that the pain aspect was often the hardest for people. Not just the patient, but those who cared about them. Seeing someone you love in pain was difficult. 

“It will all depend on how much sensation she regains. If things go well and we begin to see sensation and or movement return, she’ll probably be in more pain after the spinal fusion surgery because by then things will be waking up and the pain signals will be getting through. Depending on the level of pain she’s experiencing, we have any number of medications we can give her.” 

“How long will she have to stay in the hospital?” CJ asked. 

“Again that will depend on her and how fast she responds to treatment. We’ll need to restrict her movements for at least 4 weeks. Bed rest is the best thing for her right now. She’ll be in traction probably for the next 3 weeks to keep her spine straight and stable, then we’ll put her in a rigid body brace. At 6 weeks we should be able to see evidence of bone healing on an X-ray. If things look like they’re progressing well, we’ll move her to a rehabilitation facility where they’ll help her with both her physical therapy and learning to live with any physical limitations, temporary or permanent, she may have.” 

“And how long will she have to stay in rehab?” Sam asked. 

“Now we’re getting the real unknown part of her prognosis. It’s really subjective. It could be as little as an additional 4 weeks or as much as six months to a year. It will just depend on how she responds to the rehabilitation. Oh, and how much her insurance will pay for.” 

“When can I see her?” Josh asked softly. After all this vague and somewhat disheartening news he needed something to ground himself. The something he needed was Donna. The thought of getting to see her had his nausea slowly retreating. 

Dr. Chambers answered. “She’s in recovery now and will be there for the next 3 to 4 hours. Then she’ll be moved to the ICU. Since you’re family,” he said with a slight smile. “I’ll leave word with the ICU staff so you’ll be able to get in and see her.” He paused. “But between her blood loss, the trauma, and the operation I wouldn’t expect her to wake up until mid-morning tomorrow.” 

Josh looked at both doctors steadily. “I don’t care if she’ll be awake or not. I just need to see her. I need to be there when she wakes up.” 

The doctors exchanged looks. The Bartlets had told them to expect this man to be insistent. Dr. Chambers nodded. “Like I said, I’ll leave your name with the ICU staff, but remember she won’t be brought down from recovery for about another 4 hours. So in the meantime, you need to get some rest.” 

“He’s right, Josh,” CJ said. “You know that if Donna sees you looking tired, she’s just going to be more worried about you than herself. Besides if you fall down or pass out again you’re not going to be able to do her any good.” 

Josh knew she was right. He looked over at Sam, who was watching him sleepily. “If you say ‘I told you so’…” he teased. 

Sam held up his hand. “Hey, it never crossed my mind.” 

“Well…” Dr. Chambers began. “You guys aren’t the only ones who’ve had a long night. I think my colleague and I had better get back to work.” 

“Thank you, doctor,” Josh told them. 

“Do you want the nurse to bring you something to help you sleep, Mr. Lyman?” 

Josh’s first thought was to say no, but he doubted his mind would shut off long enough for him to sleep in his own. But sleeping pills might make him sleep too long. “Actually I’m feeling a little nauseous again. The nausea medication they gave me before made me sleepy. Maybe that would help.” 

Dr. Chambers seemed to understand. “All right,” he said with a nod. “I’ll have the nurse bring you some. Good night,” Dr. Chambers said as he and Dr. Scott walked out of the room. 

A long silence followed the doctors’ exit as the four of them contemplated and tried to absorb everything the doctors has said. Of course they were happy she was going to live, but it was disheartening to know that whether she walked again or not, she was probably going to be in for a long road physically. 

Needing a diversion, Josh broke the silence. “Hey, CJ? Did you know the President and Mrs. Bartlet had called Donna’s parents?” 

CJ looked at him for a minute and didn’t know if she should tell him the truth. “Um…yes. I did. I meant to tell you. Sorry.” 

“Yeah, I just asked because I had planned to call them after I heard from the surgeon,” he told her. 

“I know. It was kind of an accident. I was pulling the info from Donna’s personnel file to bring to you when Abbey stopped me in the hall. She asked me what I was doing and you know how I can’t lie to her, so I sort of told her what I was doing and she asked me for the number so that she and the President could call them and pay their respects.” ‘Please don’t ask me about the call,’ she mentally begged. 

“Just out of curiosity, how did the call go?” Josh asked her. 

“Why do you ask?” She was avoiding the question, but hey, she was a Press Secretary, she was good at avoiding the question. 

Josh looked at her for a minute. Even tired, his antenna was telling him there was more to the story. “Well, from what I’ve gathered, Donna and her parents and her sisters have a somewhat troubled relationship.” 

“I’ve heard that, too,” CJ told him. “By the way, Josh, did you call your mom? 

“Yeah, she was mad that I’d waited so long to call, but when I told her they were admitting me overnight she got a lot more sympathetic. She also offered to come down if Donna or I needed any help.” An offer that reminded him, once again, why he adored his mother. “Now why don’t you tell me what you’re trying to avoid telling me about the call with Donna’s parents?” 

CJ looked at him for a minute. “Well, what the President and Dr. Bartlet told the doctors wasn’t quite accurate. Her parents were polite but didn’t seem overly concerned about Donna being shot. They said to let them know if she took a turn for the worst…” 

“A turn for the worst?!” Josh said, incredulous. “Because being shot isn’t bad enough?” 

“I don’t know what to tell you, Josh,” CJ said. “That’s what they said. I think the Bartlets just wanted to look out for Donna since her parents weren’t going to and so they told the doctor that her parents said they could stand in for them. I mean, it’s not like her parents are going to show up here to contradict them,” she pointed out. “I’m sure Abbey and the President knew that Donna wasn’t going to get any support from her family, so she was going to need us.” 

“Do you have any idea what’s going on with her parents, CJ?” Josh asked her with a frown. “Whenever I’ve tried to bring up her parents or her going home for a visit, Donna would change the subject, so I stopped bringing it up.” 

“I have no idea. I mean I can ask Carol, Ginger and Margaret and see if they know anything. I know Donna has lunch with them on a regular basis. Maybe she told them something.” 

“I’d appreciate it if you let me know what you find out,” Josh told her. 

“No problem. Well,” CJ said as she stood and stretched. “I need to go home and fall on my face for a couple hours before I go back to the White House,” 

“I’ll take you,” Toby volunteered. “I need to change out of these clothes anyway. You want a ride home, Sam?” 

Sam had clearly been half asleep with his eyes still open. He started slightly at Toby’s question. “Huh?” 

CJ smiled. “Brilliant oratory there, Spanky.” 

Completely confused, Sam frowned. “Huh?” he said again. 

As tired as they were, Toby and CJ exchanged grins. “Lie back down, Sam. I doubt you could even walk to the car at this point and I’m not carrying you around like some petite blonde Republican I could name.” 

“What?!” Josh and CJ exclaimed together. 

Sam tried in vain to get some synapses in his brain fire. “I….Huh?” he repeated. 

“Lie…down,” Toby said in his best commanding voice. Like a tired little boy, Sam fell back onto the bed. Toby looked at Josh, “After the two of you have both gotten some sleep, get Sam to tell you the story of how he was carrying Ainsley through the hospital earlier.” 

“What?!” CJ replied. 

Josh just grinned. Sam had left out that part of his evening with Ainsley. “Oh-kay.” 

Just then, a nurse came in to give Josh his medication. 

“I understand you’re feeling nauseous again, Mr. Lyman?” Josh nodded and she held out a small plastic pill cup. “Here’s something that should help.” He took the cup, popped the pill in his mouth, and washed it down with the cup of water she handed him next. “Let me know if you need anything else,” she said kindly, as she switched off the light on the wall above his bed and headed for the door. 

Toby knew a good time to leave when he saw it. “Come on, CJ. I’ll tell you the story of Sam and the Republican when we get in the car,” Toby said as he opened the door for her and the nurse. 

The nurse disappeared out into the hall but CJ paused, giving Toby a skeptical look for a moment. Then she turned back to Josh. “We’ll be back to see Donna tomorrow. Call if you need anything.” Josh nodded. 

“Now, get some sleep.” She paused. “And that’s not a request. Don’t make me get the First Lady involved.” 

“Okay, okay. I promise,” he said, lowering the head of his bed. 

Josh heard CJ and Toby’s voices fade as they went out into the hall. “Does this mean I have to pull out the Kirkwood Contingency too?” CJ was saying. 

He laid there in the near darkness his mind turning over the fact that Donna was going to make it. Then, something that had been nagging at the back of his mind floated to the surface. It was the doctor’s earlier comment about how part of Donna’s rehab would depend on how much her health insurance would pay for. Josh worried about how her medical situation would effect her money-wise. He knew she was ‘a girl on a budget.’ He also knew that whatever it took, whatever it cost, to get her the best care and the best chance at walking again, he would make happen - even if he had to pay for it himself. Between his father, his grandfather and Josh’s own solid investments, he had amassed a comfortable nest egg that he could use to see she got the best of care and therapy. He turned to his personal insurance expert. 

“Hey, Sam?” 

A long moment passed before any reply was forthcoming. “Huh?” 

Despite all that was weighing on his mind, Josh grinned in the dark. “Hey, Sam, Ainsley just walked in and she’s naked.” 

Grunt. Snort. Sam sat straight up in bed. “What? Huh? Where’s Ainsley?” 

Josh’s grin got wider. He knew it was kind of mean but he had to ask Sam a question. “Sorry, Sam. Just kidding. I needed to get your attention.” 

Sam moaned in disappointment. Naked Ainsley was something worth waking up for. A question from Josh…not so much. “What?” he said in irritation as he flopped back onto the bed. 

“Do you think Donna is going to have any trouble with the insurance like I did? With her being here at GW I mean.” 

There was a long pause and Josh wondered if Sam had gone back to sleep but then his sleepy voice floated over to him. 

“No, she shouldn’t. We changed insurance carriers last year,” Sam said groggily. “GW is an approved hospital. After all the problems we had with you after Rosslyn and the fact that you’re almost as clumsy as me, I checked just to make sure.” 

It was nice to know that people were looking out for him even in small ways. “Okay, thanks. Oh, Sam…” 

“Huh?” 

“Go to sleep,” Josh told him. 

“If you’ll shut up long enough, I will,” Sam said back grumpily. 

Josh grinned into the darkness again and closed his eyes to try and get some sleep. 

********* 

Josh managed to get a few hours of sleep and woke just about six. His first thought was getting to the ICU….getting to her. Finally after being so long separated, he would get to see her again. Touch her face. Hold her hand. 

So, leaving Sam snoring softly into his pillow, Josh found his way to the ICU. As he walked in, the nurse on duty had taken one look at him in his scrub pants, hospital gown, and unruly brown hair and smiled. 

“You must be, Mr. Lyman. Dr. Chambers told me I would be having an early morning visitor.” 

“Is she here?” he said softly. 

She could tell from the emotion in his voice, he wasn’t trying to be rude, he just wanted to see the patient in bay 3…badly. “Yes, they just brought her down about a half hour ago. She’s still unconscious,” she told him. “But I just want to prepare you, we’ve put her in traction so it looks a little like she’s being pulled apart but she needs to remain as stable as possible. She can move her head and you can hold her hand but her arms need to stay immobile for now. If she wakes up, let me know,” she told him with a smile. “She’s in bay 3,” she said pointing him in the right direction. 

Walking through the ICU he came to the glass walled, 3-sided cubical. It probably would have surprised most people to know that Josh didn’t see all the monitors or the i.v. or the traction devices pulling her body straight. His eyes only saw her face and the blonde spray of her hair as it laid softly against her pillow. Her color was much better, while her skin was still its beautiful alabaster, it was no longer transparent or damp like it had been when he’d seen her last. 

Unable to help himself, he slowly and carefully leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He chose her forehead because the first time he kissed her lips, he wanted her to be awake and able to take part in it. Her skin felt cool and soft under his lips. 

Pulling a chair as close to the bed as he could, he sat down in it and much as he had when she was being brought out of the courthouse on the gurney, he wrapped her limp hand in his. For the first two hours, he said nothing. Instead he sat there and simply watched her. Watched the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed and treating each breath like it was a gift. A moment longer that she was in his life…moments counting down till the moment she would wake up. 

As he watched her lying peacefully in the wide bed, he felt like things were almost right with the world. Now all she had to do was open those pretty blue eyes of hers and look at him. The rest would come soon enough….the rest they could and would figure out later, but if he could just look at those amazing eyes of hers, he knew things would be all right. Those eyes had never let him down before and he didn’t expect them to start now. 

When the third hour began, he started to speak to her. His voice was low and gentle and his face was as close to hers as he could get. If someone had been standing in the room, they wouldn’t have heard what he said because the words were meant for her alone. There were words of love and friendship, apologies for every time he’d been a jerk, and funny things they’d said and done together. There were words of the future they would have together, confessions of how much she meant to him and how much she’d changed his life, and promises that he would always be by her side no matter what. 

Gently, he brushed a finger over her cheek. “Donna…do you know how much I need you? How much I’ve always needed you?” He watched her for a moment. “On the day we met you told me that you wanted to be valuable. Well, you did it. You walked into my life and made me a better person. You made yourself valuable to me in every way: at work, at home…in life.” He paused. “So I’d appreciate it if you woke up now, because I really miss you.” 

Something made him jump and it took him a moment to realize it had been the feeling of her hand squeezing his. 

“That’s it, Donna. Come back to me,” he said standing up to look down at her. His heart took a hard jerk in his chest as he saw her eyes move slowly behind her closed lids. “I made you some promises I need to keep. You can’t hold me to them if you’re not awake.” He paused as her eyes moved more quickly and she gave his hand another squeeze. “You can do it. It’s okay. You’re safe now. Open your eyes, I know you can do it.” 

As Donna began rising through the layers of consciousness, the world felt alien to her. The sounds and smells were not what she expected from her bedroom. 

Antiseptic…pine…and beep, beep, rather than lavender…freshly laundered clothes… and the sound of her roommate’s cat meowing to be fed. 

Was she at work? Had she fallen asleep at her desk? No, the sounds and smells she was experiencing were not from the White House. 

Alcohol...Betadine…and a distant wheeze, puff, hiss, rather than old coffee…freshly copied papers…and Josh bellowing her name. 

What else could the sounds and smells be? Wait, Josh bellowing her name… 

That was the voice...the familiar voice that was drifting through her head. It drew her in, wrapped her in love, comfort and familiarity. Josh…yes, it was Josh. She knew his voice better than her own…even knew it in the dark. Her love for him coursed through her and somewhere deep in the recesses of her brain, she knew he loved her too. Mentally using it to ground herself in the strange world she’d woken up to, she held onto his voice like a lifeline. He would keep her from floating away. 

Donna tried to open her eyes. It was hard. Really hard. ‘Should it be so hard?’ she wondered. If she could just open them she knew everything would be okay. Focus…she had to focus. 

Josh held his breath as her lids fluttered open and their eyes connected. Seeing those crystal blue eyes was like seeing the sun come up after a long, dark night. Then he saw the recognition there. And he watched them fill with love for him. Why had he never seen it before? Why had he been so blind and stupid? 

‘I did it, I opened my eyes,’ she thought joyously. Then she saw Josh’s warm brown eyes staring back down at her and everything else faded away. She saw so much love there…love and hope, and Donna knew instantly that she was home. 

In the back of her mind, something was trying to tell her that there was a difference in her body, something that had changed. However, after accomplishing the Herculean effort of opening her eyes to find Josh looking at her like that…like she was the most important thing in his world, she found she didn’t care. Nothing mattered but the way those eyes were shining at her…shining FOR her. 

“Hey there,” he said softly. 

Behind his gentle words she saw just the trace of worry she didn’t quite understand. Watching him for a moment, her sluggish brain searched for a reply. Something that would let him know she was okay, that no obstacle was too big for her when he looked at her like that. When she found it, she hoped her dry mouth and sore throat would let her get the words out. 

“What’s next?” she said in a voice that had to work to be half a whisper. 

Josh felt the tears gather in his eyes and he ran a hand gently over her hair. Yeah, things were going to be okay. He had to swallow the enormous lump in her throat before he could find the voice to speak. 

“What’s next is that I’m never going to let you forget how much I love you.” 


	15. Trial by Fire 15

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 15**

Donna blinked slowly. She must have heard him wrong. He said he loved her. She never remembered him saying he loved her before. “Say it...” she tried, but her dry mouth failed her. 

“What?” Josh asked her leaning in closer. 

She swallowed. “Say it again,” she whispered. Just getting the words out had exhausted her and she had to fight to keep her eyes open. 

His frown deepened and he tried to figure out what she meant. “What? I don’t understand,” he said gently. 

“You...love...” She struggled to get the words out and the last one came out as more a breath of air than a spoken word “...me?” 

Josh ran his hand over her cheek. How could she not know? She must not remember when he’d said it in the courtroom. “Yeah. Of course I do.” 

A soft smile lit her face. “Say...it.” 

With a grin, he leaned in to put his mouth near her ear so she would have no trouble hearing him. “Donnatella Moss...I love you very much.” 

A joyous sigh escaped from her. “Love...you...too.” 

He grinned to hear her say it. “Hold that thought,” he said giving her hand a squeeze. “I’ll be right back. I need to get the nurse.” He slid his hand from hers and stepped out of the cubical. 

‘Nurse?’ her mind tried to process the word. ‘Why would he need to get a nurse?’ 

Wait....nurse...antiseptic…pine...beep, beep...alcohol...Betadine…a distant wheeze, puff, hiss... 

Her mind struggled to put it all together. ‘They’re all things in a hospital,’ it finally reported. 

Before she could put together what that meant to her specifically, a young, fresh face appeared before her. 

“Hi, Donna. I’m Mary.” 

“Josh...” she whispered trying not to panic. Had she imagined him? Had he been a dream? 

“Josh is here. He’s right outside the door. I just wanted to check you over.” 

This woman seemed very nice but she wasn’t who Donna wanted. “Josh...” she whispered, now with just a note of distress in her voice. 

Mary laid her hand on Donna’s shoulder. “Would you like it if Josh was back in here?” 

“Yes...” she whispered gratefully. 

She smiled at Donna. “Okay, hold on for just a minute.” Her face disappeared from Donna’s view. “Why don’t you stand on that side,” she heard the nurse say. 

A second later Josh’s face came into view. “Hey, I hear you were causing a ruckus,” he said as the nurse began to take Donna’s blood pressure and other vital signs. 

Relieved, she smiled at him. “Missed you.” She tried to reach out to him and frowned when she discovered that while she could move her fingers and her hand, she couldn’t move her arm. “What?” 

“What’s wrong, Donna?” the young nurse asked sensing her distress. 

“Can’t move...my arm,” she said in confusion. Why wouldn’t she be able to move her arm? 

Mary and Josh exchanged glances. “Donna, we need you to stay as still as possible, so we’ve got everything but your hands and your head immobilized,” Mary explained. “The doctor will explain more when he comes to see you.” 

“It’s okay, Donna, don’t worry, I’m right here,” Josh told her. There was a lot that she needed to know, but now was not the time. He slid his hand over hers. “You don’t need to move, I’ll come to you.” 

His presence, the feeling of his hand around hers, and his voice all worked to calm her. At that point, in her sluggish mind, if Josh said it was okay...it was. 

“Kay,” she replied beginning to relax. Even the simple act of being awake and her moment of panic had left her exhausted and her eyes began to slide closed. 

“I know you’re tired, Donna, but I need you to stay with me for just a minute,” Mary said. “I need to ask you a couple things.” 

“Okay,” Donna said a bit groggily as she tried to stay awake. 

“Are you in any pain?” Mary asked. 

Donna slowly considered that. “My throat hurts,” she replied. “And my mouth is dry.” 

“That’s normal. It will get better,” Mary assured her. “In the mean time, I’ve brought some mouth moistener swabs that will help.” 

“Can I have some water?” Donna ventured. 

“Not just yet,” Mary said gently. “The doctor wants you on only intravenous fluids right now.” 

She didn’t explain any further, assuming that Donna wouldn’t be quite up to hearing some of the more unpleasant realities of her hospital stay. Among them the fact that because she couldn’t get out of bed she needed a urinary catheter, and because of her intestinal injury, she wouldn’t be able to eat or drink anything for the next few days. 

It didn’t occur to Donna’s still groggy brain to question the nurse about the no eating or drinking. 

“Here we go,” Mary said tearing the top off of a foil packet and pulling out what looked like a plastic lollipop stick with a small one inch square piece of pre-moistened green sponge on the end of it. “Open up.” Donna opened her mouth and Mary gently ran the sponge over her lips, teeth and the interior of her mouth. “How’s that?” 

Donna slowly moved her tongue around her mouth. It felt moister now and like she’d done a quick gargle with some minty but vaguely unpleasant mouthwash. “Minty fresh,” Donna commented. 

“Good.” Mary looked up at Josh. “I’ll leave some more here on this table if she gets dry again.” He nodded as Mary laid three more foil packets on a side table. “Now, does anything else hurt? Your head or your back?” 

Donna slowly considered the question. “No,” she told Mary. In fact she felt a little...disconnected from her body. Something wasn’t right, she knew, but pain wasn’t part of it. 

Josh was silent as he held her hand and listened. He hated himself for wishing she’d said her foot hurt or something. If she felt pain anywhere below the waist then at least they’d know she was feeling something. It was a horrible thing to have to wish that for someone you loved. 

“Are you having any trouble breathing?” 

“No,” Donna told her. 

Mary smiled and patted Donna on the shoulder. “All right, Donna, that’s all I needed to know. I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake and he should be in to see you soon. In the mean time you can rest if you want to.” 

“Okay,” she said. Then she shifted her glance at Josh. “Will you be here?” 

“You bet,” he told her with a smile. 

“Good.” It came out on a sigh as she lost the battle to stay awake and her eyes slid closed. 

Josh looked over at Mary who was adjusting the drip on Donna’s i.v. “Is she doing all right?” 

“Yes, she seems to be doing just fine,” Mary said as she made a final adjustment and turned to Josh. “Dr. Chambers and Dr. Scott will want to take a look at her but her vitals are right where they should be.” 

“Thanks,” Josh told her. 

“She’ll probably sleep a lot for the next day or two. It’s best for her anyway. Being in traction can be a little stressful because it’s so confining and it’s best that her body stay as relaxed as possible.” 

Josh nodded. “It’s okay if I stay with her isn’t it?” As if they could drag him away. 

“Sure. From her earlier reaction I’m guessing that she’ll stay calmer if she wakes up with you here,” Mary told him. “Although I’m guessing that eventually they’re going need you to sign some papers so they can release you from the hospital.” Then she grinned. “Oh, and you’ll probably want to find some more fashionable clothes to wear. 

“What...?” Josh said looking down at his clothes. “Oh...yeah.” He’d forgotten that he was still wearing the scrub pants and the gown. He hoped he could find some new clothes before Donna noticed what he was wearing. If she saw him in the hospital garb, she’d ask him why he was wearing it. At that point, he’d be hard pressed to lie to her. He imagined if she heard that he’d been grazed in the shoulder by a bullet it would only upset her. Right now she needed to focus on herself and not on him. She was going to have enough to deal with without worry about him. 

“Well, why don’t you have a seat and I’ll check on you two a little later?” Mary told him. 

“Thanks,” he told her as she walked out of the cubical. Keeping his hand on Donna’s, he reached back for the chair that Mary had pushed back out of the way. He stretched out as far as he could but couldn’t quite reach. Of course he could have easily reached it if he would have let go Donna’s hand, but he’d rather stand than let go of her. 

“Here, let me help you with that.” A voice came from behind him. 

Josh turned around to find a rumpled looking Sam walking toward him. “Hey, Sam.” 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Sam said quietly, as he moved the chair back over next to the bed. “I would have walked down with you.” 

Josh sat down in the chair. “You were sleeping so hard I didn’t want to wake you,” Josh told him quietly as Sam went around and got another chair and sat down next to him. “I figured you could use the sleep anyway. I know yesterday wasn’t easy for you either.” He paused for a long moment to let that sink in. Then he grinned. “Even if you did get some lip lock with Ainsley.” He chuckled softly at the blush that dusted Sam’s cheeks, then sobered. “Besides, truth is I wanted a little alone time with Donna.” 

Sam cocked his head toward Donna. “Did she wake up yet?” 

“Yeah, just a little bit ago. She wasn’t awake very long though. The nurse said that’s natural.” He paused. “She panicked a little when she found out that they’d immobilized her arms.” 

Sam nodded thoughtfully as he looked at the traction devices that were keeping Donna in place. Although much of her was covered with a blanket, from the outline it looked like she was wearing some kind of brace from her shoulders and arms to down just past her hips. He could also see different sets of weights and straps that were stretching and stabilizing her body. “Did she say anything about her legs?” 

“No, she didn’t, although she did say she wasn’t in any pain,” Josh said quietly. 

“Well, that’s something.” 

“Maybe it makes me a coward, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her anything more about her legs,” Josh added quietly 

“Of course it doesn’t make you a coward, Josh...come on, give yourself a break,” Sam said, laying his hand on his arm. “Yesterday was hard on you too. You’re still adjusting to Donna’s injuries...we all are.” 

“Yes, Sam, but she’s the one that has to live with it,” he argued softly. 

“And you’ll be there to help her...we all will.” 

“Thanks, Sam,” he said quietly. The two of them sat there quietly for a few minutes. “Hey, I need a favor.” 

“Name it,” Sam said without hesitation. 

“If Donna sees me in these clothes or what I was wearing yesterday she’s going to go into question mode and I’d like to avoid that. If she finds out about my shoulder it will just upset her. So do you think...” 

“I could go by your place and pick you up some things?” Sam finished with a little grin. 

“Yeah,” Josh chuckled. “Some clothes maybe, more comfortable than professional and I guess my shaving stuff and a toothbrush. Oh, and don’t forget some boxers. I’d just as soon not go commando for any longer than necessary.” 

“Don’t worry,” Sam told him. “I was already planning to stop by your place and pack you a bag. I’ve gotta go get cleaned up and changed myself anyway. I also want to stop by and see how Ainsley’s doing this morning.” 

“Didn’t get enough lip lock yesterday?” Josh teased. 

Sam’s only response was a blush and a grin. 

“Hey, speaking of Ainsley, what was that thing Toby said about you carrying her?” Josh asked him. “He said I should have you tell me the story.” 

“I promise to tell you when I get back,” Sam said as he stood and stretched. 

“Oh-kay. I’ll hold you to it.” 

“Do you want me to stop by Donna’s and get her anything?” Sam said as he walked to the foot of Donna’s bed. 

Josh thought about that. “I don’t know what it would be. With her injures she can’t really wear pajamas or anything and she can’t shower so she won’t have any need for toiletries. I assume the nurses will take care of any needs like that for the time being.” Josh told him as he went back to watching Donna. “But next time she’s awake, I’ll ask her if there’s anything she wants us to bring her.” 

“I get the feeling that you’re not going to be going home anytime soon,” Sam commented quietly. 

Josh glanced at Donna and then turned back to him. “This is where I need to be right now, Sam.” He let out a breath. “She needs me,” he said simply. 

“I know. Believe me when I say you’re preaching to the choir on that one,” Sam said honestly. 

Josh wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. 

“Okay, I better go,” Sam said. At the end of the bed, he paused and turned back to Josh. “You know...what you said about being where you need to be sounds just like something that happened to a woman friend of mine.” 

Josh looked over at him with a curious frown as Sam continued. 

“There was this guy, also a friend of mine, that she was in love with but she’d never worked up the courage to tell him how she felt. Then he got shot and was in the hospital for a long time. When I tried to get her to go home or take a break, she said the same thing you did. ‘He needs me, Sam, this is where I have to be.’ See, she didn’t want him to wake up alone because he’d been alone when he was shot.” Sam paused. “Eventually some other friends and I had to take turns staying with him so she’d leave long enough to eat or sleep or take a shower once in a while.” 

Josh watched Sam silently, his heart swelling in his chest. He knew very well Sam was talking about Donna watching over him after Rosslyn. Even then she’d been his guardian angel. 

Sam saw the understanding swim into Josh’s eyes. “Like I said...preaching to the choir, Josh.” 

********** 

Donna awoke six hours later to the image of the white ceiling and the feeling of someone holding her hand. She still felt a little hazy but not as groggy as before. Her memories of the last time she’d been awake drifted back over her. Had she imagined Josh’s words? God, she hoped not, she needed to believe that he loved her. 

“Josh?” 

“I’m right here,” he said as he stood and leaned over so she could easily see him. He’d been sitting in the chair so long, he felt every part of his body groan when he got up. 

The only time he’d left the ICU was when he’d gone upstairs to get his things out of his hospital room, sign the discharge papers, use the bathroom and change into some of the fresh clothes Sam had brought him. He was now dressed in jeans, a sweatshirt, sneakers and, yes, boxers. For the 20 minutes Josh had been gone, Sam had stayed with Donna, who hadn’t so much as sighed in her sleep while he’d been away. 

“Was it a dream?” 

“Was what a dream?” Josh said with a confused little frown. 

“What you said...before?” 

He’d said a lot of things before, but he knew what she was talking about. “You mean about me loving you?” he said with a dimpled smile. 

A relieved sigh slid from her mouth. She hadn’t imagined it. “Yes. I keep waiting to wake up and find out it was a dream.” 

He laid his hand on the top of her head. “Dream all you want, Donna, but every time you wake up I’m still going to love you.” 

Her heart leapt at his words but her mind couldn’t quite believe he was the one saying them. “Who are you and what have you done with Josh?” she teased with a little smile. 

Recognizing that the declarations did sound a little unlike him, he smiled. “It’s me, I swear,” he told her. 

She looked at him for a long moment. Her mind was finally beginning to process the fact that she was lying in a bed and she was pretty sure it was in a hospital. “Josh? Where am I?” 

‘Moment of truth,’ he thought. “You’re in the ICU at GW.” He paused. “Do you remember what happened at the courthouse?” 

“The courthouse?” she asked with a frown as she thought about that. 

Then the memories began to slowly churn through her mind. Jury duty...the trial...the gunmen...Josh in the gallery...the bullets flying and the first deputy dying...her trying to stop Ramon from killing the second...oh, God. 

“I got shot,” she said in a disbelieving whisper. “Is that why I’m here?” 

“Yeah, it is. You had to have some surgery to remove the bullet,” Josh said gently. 

She then remembered her inability to move her legs in the courtroom. Automatically, she tried to move them but was unable to, not only could she not move them, she couldn’t seem to move anything else either. Only her hands and her head seemed to be answering her commands. 

“I can’t move,” she said struggling as much as she could against her paralysis and the restraints on her body. “Oh, my God, I can’t move!” Panic flowed over her in wave, making her heart pound and her breath start coming in gasps. 

“Donna, you have to stay still,” Josh said, trying to calm her. 

“But I can’t move...I’m...I’m...” She couldn’t make herself say the word ‘paralyzed.’ Oh, God, she couldn’t be paralyzed. Would life be that cruel? Josh said he loved her, but she’d never walk again? It was like going from a high to a low in one moment. 

“Look at me.” Josh kept his voice firm but calm. Much calmer than he really felt, but he knew that he had to at least be outwardly calm if he was going to help her. “Donna...look at me,” he demanded. 

Like water on a raging campfire, his words broke through at least some of her panic and she turned her gaze back to him. 

“Donna, I need you to listen to me now. You have to stay still,” he told her. “You could hurt yourself worse if you move around.” He looked at her pleadingly and squeezed her hand. “Please.” 

It was the ‘please’ that seemed to really get through to her and she felt her breathing begin to slow a bit, even if her heart was still pounding. “Why can’t I move?” she demanded softly. 

“The doctor’s going to be here to check you soon. He should be the one to tell...” 

“I want you to tell me. I need you to be honest with me, Josh. Please...” she pleaded squeezing his hand back. She couldn’t wait for some random doctor to come and tell her that life as she knew it was over. 

Josh swallowed. He didn’t want to be the one that gave her this news, didn’t want to be the one that dropped this axe. But he also couldn’t stand there and deny her the truth she was asking for. 

“Okay...but you have to promise me you’ll stay calm, all right?” he told her. “I know it’s a lot to ask.” 

She watched him for a moment and realized that having to be in the position of telling her about this must be hard for him. Taking a breath, she tried to slow her pounding heart. “I’ll try,” she promised softly. 

Josh knew that under the circumstances it was the best he could hope for. 

“The bullet fractured a vertebra in your spine,” he said as gently as he could. “It caused some swelling that put pressure on your spinal cord. That’s why you can’t move or feel your legs.” 

“But I can feel my arms, why can’t I move them?” 

“They need to keep your spine stable, so they’ve got you in traction. Your arms are immobilized as part of that.” 

She tried to process what he’d said. Fractured vertebra? Traction? What did it mean for her...for her future? 

Josh saw the disbelief and bewilderment that went through her eyes. He wasn’t going to tell her about the second surgery...not yet. What he’d already had to tell her, hung heavy on his heart. 

“Is it permanent?” she asked with tears gathering in her eyes. She held her breath as she waited for the answer. 

Josh’s heart twisted to see her tears. He wanted to lie, wanted to give her, give both of them, the false hope that would soften the meaning of the words he’d just dropped on her, but he couldn’t lie to her. He laid his hand on her cheek. 

“They just don’t know, Donna,” he said with gentle honesty. “They’re hoping that once the swelling and inflammation go down that the movement and feeling will return.” 

“How long will it be before they know?” 

“A few days at least,” he told her. 

‘A few days!’ part of her screamed. ‘How am I supposed to wait days to find out if I’m going to walk again?’ she wondered in frustration. 

A tear began to slide toward her hair and he brushed it away with his thumb. “Donna, I promise...no matter what happens...no matter what they say, I’m going to be here to face it with you. You won’t have to go through it alone.” 

The earnestness in his voice touched something deep inside her and she looked up at him. Although they didn’t fix anything, his words were a great comfort to her. She wasn’t quite so scared when she knew he would be with her. 

“I can do anything if you’re there,” she replied softly. He smiled back at her and a gentle silence fell between them. 

Then, for some reason, something clicked on in her brain...there was something about the clothes he had on. Why did they stick in her mind? The answer was there but she couldn’t quite reach it. “Josh, are you okay?” she asked with a frown. 

Leave it to Donna to worry about him when she was facing the prospect that she could be paralyzed. “Of course. I’m fine. Why?” 

‘It wasn’t exactly a lie,’ he told himself. His shoulder was all stitched up and it only hurt a little bit, especially when he moved too fast or forgot the wound was there and pressed his shoulder back against the seat. 

Donna gave him an assessing look. She wanted to believe him but something about the easy way he’d answered had her antenna going up. Worrying about him took her mind off her own worries. “You sure? 

“Yes, Donna. Stop worrying. I’m fine.” 

She was getting tired again, too tired to argue with him any further. “Did you call Stanley yet?” she said quietly. 

Josh wanted to be annoyed that she asked, but he knew that given his PTSD it was a valid question and that they would both be seeing Stanley before too long. Even if Donna didn’t develop anything like PTSD from this experience, she was still going to need some help dealing with her injuries. 

“No, not yet,” he told her. “But I will. In fact, I’d be surprised if Leo and Sam haven’t already talked to him.” 

Donna felt her eyes getting heavy again but at the mention of Leo’s name she felt her panic level go up a notch. Maybe it was selfish, but she needed Josh there with her. Would Leo be calling any minute to say he had to go back to the White House? 

“How long can you stay?” she said. 

“Leo knows where I am,” Josh told her. He could hear the sleepiness returning to her voice and knew she probably wouldn’t be able to stay awake much longer. “He also knows that I’m staying here as long as you need me.” 

His words made her immeasurably happy and even more sleepy by acting as a soothing balm to her panic, but she couldn’t keep herself from pursuing the issue just a little further. “But I’m sure Leo has some fire he needs you to put out,” she said weakly, as her eyes began to droop. 

The only fire he was interested in was the light he wanted to see return to her eyes. “Donna?” 

“Hmmm?” she said with her eyes almost closed. 

He leaned in close to her. “I’m right where I want to be.” 

Eyes closed, Donna smiled as she drifted back off to sleep. “Kay.” 


	16. Trial by Fire 16

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 16**

When you’re flat on your back, strapped to a bed, sleep a lot, and are dependent on others for literally everything, time begins to lose its meaning. For Donna, it became an endless loop, broken only by the vague shadow of light and dark that snuck around the blinds on the high, small window above her bed and colored the section of ceiling in her field of vision. 

During her waking moments, Donna talked or listened to Josh and whoever came into her cubical. And when Josh was asleep in the chair next to her bed, as he was when she’d woken a few moments ago, she split her time between watching him and staring at that illusive light on the ceiling. 

With every fiber of her being, she just wished she could do the smallest thing for herself. Even if it was just to somehow manage to scratch her own nose. The itch she’d woken up with was persistent and a little maddening, not to mention frustrating because she couldn’t do anything about it. She’d tried to simply not think about it, but it hadn’t done any good. The itch remained, as did her inability to scratch it. Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes and she did her best to blink them away. 

She wanted to wake Josh up and ask him to scratch her nose, but she resisted. What was next? When it turned out that she was permanently paralyzed, would it be a quick, downhill slide from having to scratch her nose to helping her use the bathroom? It was just too much ask of him. He had more important things to do with his life than be her nurse maid. 

But by the same token she couldn’t even contemplate her recovery or her life after this...incident, accident, whatever she ended up calling it...without him. It made her feel like her heart was being pulled in two directions. She loved him too much to let him throw his life away on her and yet she loved him too much to simply let him go. This new bond between them was so new, so fragile, and she didn’t know quite how much it could withstand or how far it would stretch before it would break. 

Shoving that thought away and having no choice but to try and ignore the continued itching of her nose, she moved just about the only thing she could...her head, as she turned it slightly so she could watch him sleep. She was pretty sure that it was the first time he’d slept since she’d woken up in the ICU. 

‘Look at him...” she thought. ‘His back is going to hurt him when he wakes up.’ 

Josh sat, slumped and sleeping in a padded but probably uncomfortable chair, still holding her hand. She knew his back and leg had bothered him ever since his recovery from Rosslyn and not sleeping in a comfortable bed or normal position made it worse. It both touched and concerned her that his need to be with her outweighed his need to get a decent night’s sleep...or take care of himself properly. 

She studied him for a moment. Even from the bed, she could clearly see the stubbly shadow covering his face that told her that he hadn’t shaved in a couple days. The fact that his hair was going every which way was a given and she longed to run her fingers through it. What really worried her were the slightly darkened circles under his eyes and the slightly gaunt, sunken look to his cheeks. She wondered when he’d eaten last. 

As if he’d sensed her perusal, Josh opened his eyes and blinked at her. 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hey,” he replied with a yawn. “Sorry, I must have dozed off.” 

“Josh, when was the last time you slept?” 

“Well, I guess it would be a few minutes ago,” he said, trying to make light of it. 

“No, Josh, really slept,” she argued. “Sleeping in a chair doesn’t count.” 

Josh looked at her. He knew what she was doing. Her Donna radar was working overtime and she was worrying about him. As much as he loved that she was trying to look out for him, he needed her to focus on her own well being. “I’m okay, Donna, don’t worry, I’ll sleep when I get tired.” 

“You look pretty tired now,” she said gently. 

“Well, it’s been a hectic couple of days,” he replied, hoping he could hold off answering her questions. 

“How’s your back?” 

For half a second he wondered if she meant the gunshot wound on his shoulder. Then he realized what she meant. “I’m a little stiff but my back is always a little stiff, you know that.” 

He was covering and she knew it. But she also knew that if she pushed him too hard, he’d just get mad. She was beginning to see that she would need to enlist some help in seeing that he took care of himself. She couldn’t have him falling on his face with exhaustion. 

“You should shave,” she told him. “You’re looking pretty scruffy.” 

He wanted to be angry that she was pushing the issue of his health and appearance but he just couldn’t. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that she was, either consciously or unconsciously, probably trying to misdirect her mind away from her own worries by worrying about him. 

“That wounds me, Donna,” he said innocently. “I mean here I am trying to grow a beard and all you give me is grief.” 

“A beard?” she said giving him a dubious look. 

He slid his hand from hers, stood up and stiffly walked over to one of the glass cubical walls. ‘Damn, I am stiff,’ he thought. Of course he wasn’t going to tell her that. He made a big production of looking at his faint reflection in the glass. “You don’t think I’d look good in a beard?” 

She couldn’t help but give him a little smile. The idea of him in a beard just seemed so...silly to her. “No.” 

He ran his hand over his jaw. “What about a mustache?” 

“Definitely, no.” 

“Toby looks good in a beard,” he pointed out. 

“Yes, but you’re not Toby.” 

“Are you saying that Toby can carry off a beard and I can’t?” he asked, enjoying this brief moment of banter between them. 

“No, I’m saying that Toby can carry off being almost bald too, but that doesn’t mean I think you should shave your head.” She paused. “I like your face just the way it is,” she told him quietly. “I don’t want anything blocking the view.” 

He walked back over to the bed and took her hand in his again. “That was a really nice thing to say.” 

“Well, you know I’m taking a lot of medication so I’m not really responsible for what comes out of my mouth,” she teased. 

He smiled down at her. “Excuses, excuses.” 

“Can I feel your cheek?” 

The words were out of her mouth before she’d remembered the fact that she couldn’t even lift her hand off the bed. How could she possibly feel his cheek? Between the traction devices and the bed rails it wasn’t like he could even bring his face down to her hand. Her desire to touch him had overridden everything else. She’d made the mistake of letting herself forget, for a moment, about her current state and now she would have to pay for it with the awkwardness that she knew would follow. 

Tears gathered in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said tearfully. “I just wanted...I mean, I never felt...I forgot.” She was babbling but she couldn’t seem to stop it any more than she could stop the babbling. 

Josh’s heart ached for her. “Donna...please don’t cry, it’s okay,” he said giving her hand a comforting squeeze. 

Slowly, he leaned over her and tenderly rubbed his rough cheek against her smooth one. “There’s more than one way to feel,” he said softly. Before he stood up, he gently brushed his lips over the damp tracks her tears had made on the side of her face. 

Her body trembled, as much as it could, from the sweetness of his gesture. “That was really nice,” she managed in a wet whisper as he straightened up. 

“Haven’t you heard?” he asked as he pulled a tissue from a small box on the side table and dabbed at her tears. “Rumor is, I’m a nice guy.” Rather than making her smile as he’d expected, she started crying harder. 

“Hey...hey...what’s wrong?” he asked with a frown as he tried to dab her tears faster. “Okay, I know I’m not always a nice guy but I didn’t mean to make you cry.” 

“No, no...” she said with little sob. “It’s not that.” 

“Are you in pain? Do you want me to get the nurse?” he asked gently trying not to panic that something was seriously wrong. 

“No.” 

“What is it, Donna? What’s wrong,” he asked. 

“It’s dumb.” She felt really stupid for crying. 

“Tell me anyway.” 

She couldn’t hold her frustration in any longer. “I can’t even wipe my own tears,” she said through a fresh wave of crying. “And my nose has been itching forever and I can’t even scratch it.” 

“Why didn’t you say so? I would have scratched your nose for you.” He said as he rubbed the tissue playfully, but thoroughly over her nose. “Is that better?” 

Her relief at having her itchy nose scratched was palpable as she gave him a tearful little smile. “Yes, thank you.” 

“You don’t have to suffer in silence, Donna,” he told her gently. “If you need something, all you have to do is ask.” 

“I know...” she said with a little hiccup. “But it’s really frustrating to not be able to do anything for myself.” 

He ran his hand over the top of her head. “I can only imagine how hard that is. But, hey, you know, your arms are only temporarily immobile. From what the doctor said you should have the use of them back in a few days.” 

“I know,” she agreed. “But it’s still hard.” 

It took Josh a moment to think of a reply that didn’t sound like an empty platitude. “You know, Donna, it occurs to me that there are four very important things that you can still do on your own.” 

His words stirred her curiosity and the urge to cry began to subside. “What four things?” 

He smiled down at her, glad to see that his words had gotten her attention. “One...you can hold my hand and you can feel me holding yours.” To demonstrate, he squeezed her hand. “Two...you’ve got your voice so you can talk to me. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy talking to you?” 

She smiled at that. 

“Three...those pretty blue eyes are working so you can see my face and know I’m right here with you.” He leaned in close to her. “And four...you’ve got ears that can hear me when I say ‘I love you’.” 

His words made more tears swim into her eyes. Josh was really being very sweet. “Thank you,” she whispered softly. 

“You’re welcome...hey, sometimes you just have to be reminded of what you’ve got. I think that’s something you’ve tried to tell me on more than one occasion,” he said as he continued to dab at her eyes. “Now, what do you say, we dry those tears of yours?” 

“Okay,” she sniffed as he wiped them away. “Josh?” 

“What?” 

She smiled at him sheepishly. “My nose itches again.” 

He grinned at her. “You know, being the brilliant guy I am, I have an idea about that.” Leaning over her, he touched his stubbly cheek to the end of her nose. “Scratch away.” 

Donna smiled at his idea. Moving her head around a bit she did a thorough job of scratching her nose against the side of his face. ‘Ooooo, that feels good,’ she thought. If she’d been a dog, and, you know, not paralyzed, her foot would be bouncing up and down with pleasure at getting her itch scratched. 

She sighed rapturously as she continued to rub her nose against his cheek. “You really are a brilliant guy, Josh, I don’t tell you that enough.” She heard him chuckle at that. 

“You know, I’m trying to think of something funny to say, but I’m coming up empty,” Sam mused from the end of Donna bed. “Maybe something about Eskimos rubbing noses but that’s not quite right.” 

Josh had been facing the wall so he hadn’t see Sam come in. He raised up enough to turn his head and glance at Sam and then look back down at Donna. “We seem to have company. How’s that itch?” 

“I’m good,” she told him with a smile. 

He had to force himself not to chuckle at the fact that her nose was slightly red now, whether it was from her crying or the rubbing against his cheek he didn’t know. “Kay,” he said as he stood up. 

Sam still had an amused look on his face. “What exactly were you doing?” 

“Just rendering aid and assistance to a beautiful lady. Being chivalrous...you know, my usual knight in shining armor routine.” 

Donna rolled her eyes and grinned, while Sam just snorted. 

“Oh-kay,” Sam told him. “But I don’t have to call you Lancelot or Prince Valiant or anything, right?” 

“Not unless you want to give me and Toby more ammunition to torment you with than the time you declared your nickname was the ‘housekeeper’,” Josh teased him. 

“Point taken,” Sam replied walking over to the opposite side of Donna’s bed. “Hi there, Donna,” he said as he looked down at her with a smile and took her free hand in his. 

“Hey, Sam,” she said with a smile. 

Sam pretended not to notice the clear evidence that she’d been crying. It was her second full day in the ICU and he would have been surprised and worried if she hadn’t shed at least a few tears by that time. “You look good today.” 

“Sam, you’re very charming but a very bad liar,” Donna teased him with a smile. 

He smiled down at her softly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

“That’s how it was intended,” Donna told him. “In any case, I appreciate the thought.” 

“Ainsley sends her best,” he told her. “She said she’ll be by to see you tomorrow.” At the mention of Ainsley’s name, he tried and failed to keep a rather goofy looking grin off his face. 

“Sam?” Donna asked with a frown. “What’s going on?” 

He blinked back at her. “What...what do you mean?” 

“You’re doing a thing with your face,” she told him. 

“Well, I’m not sure what ‘thing’ you’re referring to but I’m sure I’m not doing it...whatever ‘it’ is,” he replied, looking like he’d just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

“Yes, you are,” Donna argued. “You were talking about Ainsley and then you did a goofy, doofy, adorable, idiotic grinning thing.” 

“Oh, that thing.” 

“Yes, that thing.” Donna slowly looked between Sam and Josh and suddenly realized that the two of them knew exactly what she was talking about. They looked like Alfalfa and Spanky from The Little Rascals trying to keep a secret from Darla. 

Donna decided to go for the direct approach. “Sam? Is there something going on with you and Ainsley?” 

Sam swallowed. “Well...” He looked over at Josh. “Didn’t you tell her?” 

Josh grinned at him. “No, I haven’t had a chance. This is the longest she’s been awake at one time.” 

“Sam...?” Donna demanded in a questioning voice. 

“Well...” he tried again. “You see...” 

“Hey, not to interrupt but...” Josh broke in. “Donna, I already know this story and as much as I’d love to stay here and watch you torture Sam about his love life, I need a bathroom break, so if it’s okay...” he said jerking his thumb over his shoulder. 

“Sure, of course,” Donna replied. ‘Actually this will be perfect timing,’ she thought. 

“Good,” he said giving her hand a squeeze before letting it slide from his. “I’ll be back in a few.” 

“Kay,” she said as he walked out of the cubical. 

“Donna, look, about Ainsley...” Sam began. 

“Is he gone, Sam?” Donna whispered. She couldn’t raise her head enough to check. 

“What...? Who?” Sam asked with a puzzled frown. 

“Josh.” 

Sam looked around. “Yeah. Why?” 

“I need to talk to you about Josh,” she told him quietly. 

His frown deepened. “What’s going on?” 

“You need to do something about him, Sam,” she said. 

Sam blinked at her. This conversation had taken an unexpected turn. “There are any number of people that would agree with you, Donna, but it would be helpful if you’d be more specific.” 

“You remember, ‘Operation Moss’?” she asked him. 

He blinked at her again. “You knew about that?” 

“Sam, I was exhausted and worried, not stupid,” she replied. 

“None of us thought you were stupid,” he said softly. “We just thought we were being, you know, more stealthy than that.” 

As Sam had told him the day before, when Josh had been shot at Rosslyn and was recovering in the hospital, Donna stayed by his side. She didn’t eat and she barely slept and never went home. Sam, CJ, Toby, Leo and the First Lady had recognized that Donna was going to run herself into the ground and collapse from sheer exhaustion if she didn’t take a break once in a while. But they also knew that Donna wouldn’t leave if it meant that Josh was alone. 

So they’d worked out a schedule of sorts so that while one of them stayed with Josh, the other made sure Donna left the room once in a while to eat or shower or run home for some fresh clothes. Getting her to sleep was another matter. For the first week she’d slept, or more accurately, dozed in two chairs pulled together next to his bed. Then, the second week, even with Josh telling her she should leave and get some rest, she would only go so far as to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. 

“So are you saying we need an ‘Operation Lyman’?” Sam asked her. 

“Yes,” she replied. 

“Is it bugging you to have him here so much?” he asked with a frown. 

“No, Sam, God, no. He’s been my rock. If I didn’t have him here I’d lose it for sure,” she told him. “But I also don’t want him to fall on his face. Just make sure he eats and shaves and goes for a walk once in a while. It would be better on his back if we could find some way to get him to sleep in a bed at least part of the time but somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen.” 

“Yeah, he can be almost as stubborn as you can when it comes to that kind of thing,” he teased. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she said with a little smile, echoing his earlier words. 

“That’s how it was intended.” He smiled back and gave her hand a squeeze. “Don’t worry, I’ll round the gang up for ‘Operation Lyman’.” 

He let out a breath. “Now...how are you doing? I’m sorry I couldn’t get over here any sooner. Leo’s had some things he wanted me to take care of this morning.” 

Looking at him for a moment, she tried to figure out how to answer him. Ever since she’d woken up in the ICU, she’d felt a little like she’d fallen down the rabbit hole. Disconnected from her body, helpless, frustrated and scared, she didn’t know which end was up most of the time. 

The visit from her doctors yesterday evening and this morning hadn’t helped either. Her head was swimming with all they’d had to say. They’d told her about her upcoming fusion surgery, something which she was trying not to think about for the moment. Then they’d explained that even though her condition was stable, because of her intestinal injury, intravenous feedings, medication, risk for infection, and traction, they were going to keep her in the ICU all week. 

Most disconcerting of all was the fact that they’d told her that a GOOD case scenario for her recovery was going to most likely involve a great deal of pain and physical therapy for her. It was bizarre in the extreme to be hopeful and yet terrified of pain that was almost certainly coming your way to some degree or another. She supposed it was a little like being pregnant, you were excited to have actually have your baby but you’re scared of the labor. The problem was her labor was going to last months, if not years. 

“All things considered, I’m okay,” she finally told him. “A little overwhelmed, but okay.” 

Sam wasn’t sure he believed her but he wasn’t going to push it. “Do you need anything? Outside of Operation Lyman, that is?” 

“No, Josh is giving me everything I need,” she said softly. “I don’t need anything...wait, you know there is something. It’s going to sound a little silly.” 

“Well, you’re in luck because silly is what I do, so what do you need?” he asked. 

“If someone has a chance to go by my apartment, I’d love my hairbrush and some scrunchies. If I had them, I’m sure I could talk Josh or one of the nurses into brushing my hair,” she told him. “I’m sure it must look like a rat’s nest by now.” 

“You look fine,” he replied patting her shoulder gently. “But I’d be happy to get them for you.” 

“Thanks,” she told him with a smile. “Okay, enough about me. I’m tired of thinking about health stuff, so give me a distraction. What’s going on with you Ainsley?” 

Sam grinned. “Well, it’s kind of a long story.” 

“She was at the courthouse, right?” Donna said quietly. She vaguely remembered Josh mentioning that Sam had stayed in the hall outside the courtroom to talk to Ainsley before everything went to hell in a hand basket. 

He watched her for a moment, trying to figure out how much of the courthouse happenings he should talk to her about. “Yeah, Josh and I met her in the hall and I stopped to talk to her about a paper she wrote on affirmative action.” 

Sam paused. “When things...happened and the marshals had us go down to security, she stayed with me, in fact she kept me from going out of my mind with worry and she came here to the hospital with us.” 

“I’ve always liked Ainsley,” Donna told him. 

Her approval warmed him. “Well, when we got here, Josh and I were kind of both a little stressed out and we had an argument.” 

“About what?” she asked. 

“Nothing,” Sam said with a casual shrug. “Stupid guy stuff.” 

Sam knew that Josh hadn’t told Donna that he’d gotten shot so he very carefully didn’t mention Josh passing out in the waiting room or the fact that their fight had happened while Josh was getting checked out in the ER. 

Donna didn’t press him so he continued. “Anyway, I took a walk to cool off and she found me and went down to the cafeteria where she basically talked me out of being mad.” 

She smiled, “Ainsley in the cafeteria...who would have thought?” 

“Yeah, hard to believe isn’t it?” Sam said with a grin. “So as we’re leaving there she cut her foot...” 

“How did she cut her foot?” Donna asked. 

“Oh, I forgot that part, didn’t I? She was chasing after me at the courthouse and lost her shoes and so she was in her bare feet,” Sam explained. 

“Oh, okay,” Donna replied. 

“Anyway, so I tied something over her foot but I didn’t want her to walk on it so I carried her down to the ER so they could look at it.” 

“Sam...that is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard,” she said. 

“Thanks,” he grinned shyly. “Anyway, they gave her a couple stitches and I took her home and while I was there she showed her gratitude by, you know, kissing me.” 

“She kissed you? Way to go, Ainsley,” Donna grinned. “So what did you do?” 

Sam blushed, he felt a little weird talking to her about this but she seemed to enjoy hearing about it so continued. “I kissed her back, of course.” 

“Good job, Sam,” she said, happy to see that the new dimension to her relationship with Josh wasn’t the only good thing to come out of the tragic and terrifying situation at the courthouse. “Now, you want to know what to do to really impress her?” 

“Oh..kay.” He didn’t know if he should be scared or not. “What should I do?” 

“Take her shoe shopping to replace the ones she lost. Buy a woman shoes and she’ll love you forever.” 

“So shoes are the way to a woman’s heart?” Josh’s voice said as he walked up next to Sam. He smiled down at Donna. “I’ll have to remember that, won’t I?” 

Donna smiled back at Josh. She appreciated the fact that he was treating her as normally as possible and as if she would eventually have a need for shoes to walk around in. “It would be a good idea.” 

“I need to talk to Sam for a minute,” Josh told her. “Will you be okay if we’re gone for a minute or two?” 

“Sure, I’ll be fine.” Donna’s antenna went up again although she couldn’t say why. “Is everything okay? 

“Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine,” he assured her. “I just need to talk to Sam about something that’s coming up tomorrow at work.” 

She didn’t really believe him but didn’t have the energy to press it further. Her earlier crying and all the talking had worn her out and she felt herself getting sleepy again. “Okay,” she replied. “I’ll be right here waiting when you get done.” Her attempt at making a little joke fell flat and a long awkward pause followed. “Sorry,” she muttered. 

Josh stepped around Sam and walked up to stand by her head. He laid his hand lightly on her shoulder and leaned in close to her. “Stop saying you’re sorry,” he said. Then he kissed her gently on the forehead. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Kay,” she said softly. 

Sam and Josh stepped around the corner from Donna’s cubical. “What’s going on Josh?” Sam asked. Josh’s behavior had raised his radar too. 

“What’s with the Marshals?” he said, jerking his head toward the last cubical on the other side of the ICU and the uniformed officer that was apparently on guard duty. “There’s another one on duty at the entrance to the ICU,” Josh told him. 

Sam swallowed. He’d kind of hoped that Josh could continue to be wrapped up enough in looking after Donna that he wouldn’t notice the US Marshals. Normally, Josh used the small bathroom inside the ICU. This time he must have taken a walk down the hall. Otherwise he wouldn’t have seen the officer at the entrance. 

“Well...” Sam began softly, then he let out a long breath. “Look Josh, Donna isn’t the only victim from the courthouse that’s here in the ICU.” 

“Go on...” Josh said, not at all sure he wanted to go down this road. 

Sam began to recount the info he’d gathered. Leo had put him on the fact finding detail for the courthouse crisis and between the hospital staff and the Marshals at the courthouse, he’d found out a lot. 

“Two cubicles down from Donna is Maria Delgado. She was another one of the jurors. During the fire fight at the end, one ricochet hit her in the head and another hit her in the chest. She’s in a coma and on a respirator. If she makes it, they think she’ll be in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.” 

What Sam didn’t tell him is that Maria Delgado was also a single mother of 2 young children and she’d worked two jobs to keep them off welfare and give them a better life. Her husband, the children’s father, had died when they were just babies. The kids were now staying with Maria’s mother. 

“In the front cubical over there is Daniel Wright. He was one of the witnesses testifying in the original court case. “He got shot in the knee and the shoulder. He’ll have to have a complete knee replacement and the shoulder wound nicked an artery. He almost bled to death before they could get him to the hospital.” Sam paused. “They think he’ll be okay though and he’s being moved to a regular room tomorrow. 

Josh had been quiet and reflective so far but Sam mentally prepared himself for his reaction to the next one. 

“Two of the gunmen survived the initial gun battle. One of them died on the way to the hospital,” Sam began slowly. “The survivor is the one being guarded by the Marshal.” 

“Who is it?” 

“Josh...” 

“Who...is...it?” Josh asked. 

“Freddie Garcia,” Sam said quietly. 

Rather than the explosion that Sam had expected, Josh seemed to fold in on himself and he slumped against the wall. He’d forgotten about his shoulder and winced as it connected with the wall but he didn’t stand up again. “You’re sure?” 

“Yeah, I checked twice, just to make sure,” Sam told him. 

“Why is he here and not in a prison ward?” Josh asked in a quiet, strangled voice. 

“Because he’s in a coma,” Sam explained. “They don’t think he’s going to make it. If he does, they’ll move him to the prison ward then. He was shot four times. One of the bullets is lodged in his brain. If they try to operate to remove it, there’s very real possibility that it will kill him. Another one hit him in the chest and bounced around inside his ribcage like a pinball machine. The other two wounds weren’t life threatening.” 

Josh stared hard at the Marshal and the closed curtain of Garcia’s cubical. He wanted to be angry. Part of him WAS angry...no, part of him was blind with fury at what Garcia and his plans had done to Donna. But the anger was so deep that he couldn’t quite reach it. 

“Josh?” Sam ventured. 

“Yeah?” he said, continuing to stare at Garcia’s cubical. 

“You okay?” 

Josh turned his eyes away from Garcia and looked around the corner into Donna’s cubical. He could see she’d gone back to sleep. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he told Sam quietly. “I just realized that I don’t have the time or the energy to waste on being mad at Garcia.” Pushing himself off the wall, Josh turned to walk back over to Donna. “I’ve got more important things to focus on.” 


	17. Trial by Fire 17

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 17**

And so the next morning ‘Operation Lyman’ began. Of course, Donna slept right through the beginning of it. When she woke up, instead of finding Josh sitting in the chair next to her bed, Donna saw Ainsley sitting in it writing something on a yellow legal pad. 

“Ainsley?” 

She looked up from the pad and smiled. “Hey, Donna,” she said, setting the pad aside. “How you doing this morning?” 

Donna’s sleepy brain considered that for a moment and made an interesting but slightly dismaying discovery. She felt something...pain. Not in her legs but somewhere around her stomach or belly button. That’s where she guessed it was anyway, it was a little hard to tell for sure and it wasn’t as if she could look or poke herself to find out. 

It was more mild than severe, more an ache than a sharp pain. In any case, it was there. She wasn’t sure if she should be happy or not, but she made a mental note to remember to tell Mary or whichever nurse was on duty that day. The doctors told her to be sure to let them know of any new feelings or pain she had, but she didn’t need to bother Ainsley with it. 

“I’m okay,” she told Ainsley. “Where’s Josh?” 

“Sam took him down to the cafeteria to get something to eat about 20 minutes ago,” Ainsley replied. “We’re the first wave of ‘Operation Lyman.’ Oh, and Sam remembered to get your brush and some hair things from your apartment,” she said, holding up a little paper bag. 

“Oh...well...good,” Donna answered. 

Donna hoped she’d managed to hide the fact that she felt a little disappointed that Josh wasn’t there when she woke up. It had nothing to do with Ainsley. Donna knew it was irrational, after all, she was the one who recommended they get Josh out once in a while. It had to do with the fact that she’d gotten used to his face being the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes. Ainsley’s next words told her she hadn’t hidden her disappointment very well. 

“Do you want me to call Sam and have him bring Josh back?” 

“No, no,” Donna told her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it seem like I didn’t want you here or anything. I’m glad you’re here and that Sam got Josh to go eat something.” 

“You don’t have to explain,” Ainsley told her with a smile. “I know Josh has been with you pretty much every step of the way. It’s totally understandable you’d want to know where he was.” 

“Thanks, Ainsley,” Donna smiled at her. “Oh, how’s your foot?” 

“It’s fine, but how did you know about my foot?” Ainsley asked in surprise. 

“I sort of pried it out of Sam yesterday,” Donna explained. “He mentioned you were planning to come by and he got this big grin on his face...you know, sort of like the one you’ve got on your face right now.” 

The harder that Ainsley tried to wipe the grin off her face, the wider it got. 

Donna smiled as she continued. “So anyway, I asked him if something was going on between you guys and he told me how you cut your foot when you were in the cafeteria.” 

“He was really very sweet. Did he tell you that he carried me up to the ER?” she asked. 

“Yeah, he did,” Donna replied. 

“I was a little embarrassed at first. I mean, after all, it’s not everyday a man carries me through the halls.” She leaned in closer. “But just between you and me, I really liked it.” 

Donna smiled along with her but then sobered. “He also told me how you kept him out of trouble at the courthouse.” 

The smile melted from Ainsley’s face and was replaced with something deeper. “Well...he was just...” she tried to explain. “He was just worried about you and Josh...all he could think about was getting to you guys. To the point where he wasn’t thinking of his own safety, so I felt it was my responsibility to think about it for him.” 

“Well, then I’ve got a lot to thank you for,” Donna said quietly. 

Ainsley softly smiled at that. “You’re welcome, but no thanks are needed. My motives weren’t exactly selfless,” she told Donna. “I’ve kind of gotten used to having Sam around.” Her smile turned to a grin. “I mean, hey, who else am I going to argue with?” 

Donna smiled back. “You two do seem to have a good bantering, arguing thing going on.” 

“It’s a little freakish, I know. I am a lawyer, so I do have the ability to argue but Sam seems to really bring it out in me. And the thing that I find stranger than that is the fact that I find myself really enjoying it,” she finished with a smile and what could only be described as a very un-Ainsley-like little giggle. 

Donna watched her with a soft, bemused smile on her face. Ainsley’s affection for Sam was clearly written on her face. “I know exactly what you mean,” Donna told her. 

Ainsley looked at her for a moment. She saw that Donna was not just giving her an empty platitude. “You do, don’t you?” 

“Yes. Because it’s exactly how I feel when I argue with Josh,” she said softly. 

“You two do seem to have a good time arguing,” Ainsley replied. 

They were both quiet for a moment. “Do you mind if I ask you something personal, Ainsley?” 

“Not at all. Ask away.” 

“Is Sam a good kisser?” 

Ainsley laughed softly. If she’d taken the rest of the day to try and guess, that question would never have occurred to her. She found herself giddy, rather than embarrassed to answer it. “Yeah, he is. Probably in the top two kissers I’ve ever kissed.” 

“Really?” Donna said with a little grin. “I always kind of wondered...on a purely friendship basis, of course, how good a kisser he was. Sam’s such a boy scout I didn’t know if he’d be too much of a gentleman to be a good kisser.” It felt good to have a normal moment of ‘girl talk’ with Ainsley. 

“Oh, in the beginning he was a total gentleman, in fact I was the one that had to make the first move,” Ainsley told her conspiratorially. “But when he kissed me back, well, let’s just say he graduated from boy scout to scout master.” She grinned again. 

“I’m glad,” Donna told her sincerely. “You’re good for him. You challenge him and keep him honest, I think.” 

“I think we do that for each other,” Ainsley said with a soft smile. 

Donna smiled back at her. “Plus it’s good to see the big grin he gets on his face when he talks about you. You make him happy. Happy Sam is one of my favorite things.” 

“Mine too,” Ainsley said with another little giggle. “You know, Donna, since we’re kind of talking girl talk here, do you mind if I ask YOU a personal question?” 

Donna figured it was only fair to let Ainsley have her turn. “Go ahead.” 

“Is Josh a good kisser?” 

Donna blinked back at Ainsley for a moment. “I don’t know.” 

Ainsley frowned in surprise. “You don’t know?” 

“Josh has never kissed me. Not on the mouth anyway,” Donna said with quiet honesty. 

“Really? I mean I know Sam told me that you both said some things to each other in the courtroom that you’d never said before, but I thought...” she trailed off. 

“What Ainsley? Go ahead, tell me what you thought,” Donna encouraged her. 

She looked at Donna for a moment, she felt a little like she’d stepped in quicksand. “I don’t think I should. I’m worried that I’ll offend you or upset you and that’s the last thing I want.” 

“Ainsley,” Donna began softly. “Do you honestly think I haven’t heard the rumors? Or that I haven’t worried about the rumors that I haven’t heard?” 

She laid her hand on Donna’s. “I’ve never heard any rumors about you or Josh and if I had I would never have chosen to believe them. I believe in drawing conclusions by seeing things with your own eyes.” 

Donna stared at her. Had she not been able to hide her feelings as well as she’d thought? “And did you see something between me and Josh?” 

Ainsley tried to put things into words. “Well...yes and no. I mean, I never saw either of you do or say anything inappropriate, but on the other hand, you two have this...quality when you’re together. It’s very subtle, but it’s definitely there.” She paused. “After seeing that and the way he’s been by your side every possible moment since you were hurt...I guess I just assumed that there was something deeper between you.” 

Donna was quiet for a moment. “There was...but nothing ever happened,” she admitted very quietly. “I’ve been in love with him for a long time, but I didn’t think he felt the same way, so I never told him. The fact that he was my boss made it just that much more complicated.” She paused. “But in the courtroom, for the first time, I saw that maybe there could be something between us, something beyond the friendship we already have.” 

“I’m glad,” Ainsley said honestly as she gave Donna’s hand a squeeze. 

“So anyway, we haven’t gotten around to the kissing yet,” Donna told her as she came back to the original question. “Not that his kisses on my cheek and my forehead haven’t been great, but I guess he’s waiting until I’m better. When the time comes though, I expect that Josh will fall in the category of scout master as well.” She smiled. “And since you were so honest with me earlier about Sam, I promise, when it happens, I’ll let you know if I was right.” 

********** 

“How are you feeling?” Josh asked her later the next day. 

He’d knew about the pain she was feeling from the gunshot wound and her surgery site and the fact that it was slowly getting more intense. Her doctors took it as a good sign that the feeling was returning and they’d asked her to hold off on any pain medication for as long as possible so they could continue to assess her level of feeling. While Josh understood the reasoning behind it, he didn’t like the fact that she was suffering. 

Donna mentally counted to 10. It was the 300th time he’d asked her that since she’d told him about the pain yesterday. She knew he was just concerned but it was making her a little crazy. Squeezing his hand, she tried to let him know her next words were sincere. 

“I’m okay. The pain’s not that bad. It’s a little like having my cramps for my period just a little higher up,” she tried to explain. 

“But I thought cramps were pretty unpleasant?” he asked. 

“They are,” she agreed. 

“I mean women take things for cramps, right? So that must mean that they’re pretty unpleasant.” 

Donna sighed. “Josh, you’re not helping. I’m doing my best not to think about it and every time you mention it I have to think about it,” she pointed out. “Really, I’m okay. It’s tolerable.” 

“I just...worry,” he said giving her hand a squeeze. 

“I know and I appreciate that,” she replied. “But please, let’s talk about something else, something that will take my mind off of it.” 

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll let you pick the subject. What would you like to talk about?” 

She stared at him for a moment. “I’d like to talk about the fact that you seem to have nicked yourself shaving this morning,” she told him with a little smile as she tried to take her mind off the pain she was feeling. 

“Sam forgot to bring the charger for my electric shaver and I used up the battery shaving yesterday, so this morning I had to swipe a disposable razor from Mary. You know, the kind they use to shave someone before surgery?” He said with a chuckle. “Apparently I’ve been spoiled by my electric shaver because I managed to cut myself fairly easily. I suppose I should be grateful I didn’t accidentally slit my throat or something.” 

“Well, I know that’s something I’m grateful for,” she said softly. “Can I feel?” 

“Sure, but it won’t be quite as smooth as it was this morning though,” he pointed out. 

“I’ll take my chances.” 

“Ah-kay,” he replied with a little grin. Leaning over he rubbed his semi-smooth cheek against hers. 

“Much better than your beard-in-training,” she teased, 

“Thanks,” he said as he began to straighten up. 

“Wait, come back down here,” she requested. 

With a frown he put his cheek back down by her face. “What...?” The question died when he felt her lips press a gentle kiss to the small nick on his jaw where he’d cut himself. 

Touched beyond words he turned his head to look her. Their faces were only an inch or two apart. The soothing, vivid blue of her eyes pulled him in and he could smell the slightly minty scent of the liquid on the mouth moistener swabs he coated her mouth with earlier that afternoon. Even though she was still a little paler than usual and her hair hadn’t been washed since she’d been there, she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

“I wanted to kiss it and make it better,” she explained softly. 

He wanted to kiss her so badly. He’d been holding off because he’d wanted their first kiss to be perfect. He’d also wanted to wait until she could take a more active part and she wasn’t in such a vulnerable position both mentally and physically. However, he was beginning to see that all that didn’t matter. The way she was looking at him told him all he needed to know. They didn’t need the perfect moment or the perfect setting for it to be perfect...they just needed each other. 

“Thank you,” he whispered feeling the air between the fairly crackle with heated awareness. 

Donna’s heart began to beat hard and fast in her chest and she did a mental dance at the fact that her lips were in good working order so she could feel the kiss she suspected was coming. Holding her breath, she watched as his mouth descended toward hers. 

“Hi guys,” CJ said brightly. 

‘Damn...so close,’ Josh thought as he looked up and saw CJ and Toby standing at the foot of Donna’s bed. 

“Sam said something about you guys looking like Eskimos yesterday, but I didn’t know what he meant mostly because I wasn’t, you know, listening,” Toby commented dryly. “Now I begin to understand.” 

“Hey CJ, hey Toby,” Josh said, straightening up. 

“Hi,” Donna said, keeping her head flat on the bed and her words simple so they wouldn’t hear the complete disappointment in her voice from having her first kiss with Josh interrupted before it had even begun. 

“Donna, do you mind if I borrow Josh for a bit?” Toby said. 

“No, as long as you promise to bring him back,” Donna told him, trying not to be annoyed. 

Josh laid his hand on her head and leaned down with his mouth near her ear so only she would be able to hear what he wanted to say. “I’ll be right back. After we ditch Heckle and Jeckle we’ll work on picking up where we left off,” he whispered. 

“Kay,” she whispered with a smile. 

He gave her hand a squeeze and he and Toby walked out of the cubical. Donna turned her head to see CJ settling herself in the chair next to the bed. She was wearing a flattering navy blue suit and a white blouse. As usual she looked calm, cool and confident. 

Although she gave no outward sign, CJ also looked like she had something on her mind...something that she felt uncomfortable saying and Donna was pretty sure she wasn’t going to want to hear. 

The old saying about when a person loses one sense the others are heightened went through Donna’s mind. Ever since she’d been confined to bed, Donna found that she was able to read people a bit easier than usual. Maybe she was wrong about her feeling this time...she hoped so anyway. 

“You look nice today, CJ,” Donna said. She figured she’d at least try for pleasantries. 

“Thanks, Donna. How are you doing?” 

“I’m doing good. I’m even starting to get some feeling back in my torso,” Donna said brightly. She didn’t plan on mentioning the pain that came with it. Josh was the only one who knew about that and that’s the way she wanted it. 

CJ gave her a genuine smile. “That’s terrific.” 

“Yeah, the doctors think it’s a good sign,” Donna said, trying to be more upbeat than she really felt. 

An awkward pause followed and Donna knew that CJ was thinking of a tactful way to bring up whatever it was she wanted to bring up. 

“So, how are things at the White House?” Donna began, trying to give CJ an opening. 

“Fine...good,” CJ answered. “Of course, the courthouse has been the dominant story in the last couple days, but I think they’re finally moving on to others things. I only got 15 questions about it in this morning’s briefing instead of the 40-50 I have been getting.” CJ meant it as a bit of a joke but Donna didn’t really find it funny. 

“What kind of questions?” Donna asked. 

“Well, since four White House staffers were there at the courthouse and you and Josh were involved specifically, they want to know how you’re all doing. Then they also want to know what the White House and the President has to say about what happened and how it will affect gun control policy.” 

“Oh, I see,” Donna said. 

“Actually Donna, there is something else they’ve been asking me about.” CJ looked at her for a moment. “I’ve been getting some questions about Josh.” 

Donna began to get a really bad feeling. “Oh?” 

“Yes. They see Josh here with you instead of hard at work at the White House and it makes them wonder. So far their questions have been informal and outside the briefing room and I’ve been giving them the standard line about the White House not commenting on the personal lives of its staffers, but I’m a little concerned that the questions are going to start cropping up in the briefings if they’re not dealt with properly.” 

“Go on,” Donna told her although it was in direct opposition to how she really felt. Technically, except for some declarations, nothing had really happened between her and Josh and yet the White House was already getting heat from the press. 

Donna’s heart began to pound a bit harder and it was nothing like the pounding she had when Josh was going to kiss her. This time it was pain and dread rather than pleasure and anticipation. 

CJ leaned forward. “Donna, you know I’m your friend and I’m Josh’s friend and I wouldn’t say anything unless it was important.” 

“I know, CJ,” she replied with more conviction than she felt. 

“But I’m also the Press Secretary and if I’m going to protect you and Josh and the President I need to know what’s going on. It’s like I told Sam when he got involved with Laurie, I need to be your first call.” 

‘Oh, God,’ Donna thought. She was comparing her relationship with Josh to Sam’s relationship with a call girl. With Donna playing Laurie’s part. Shame and guilt washed over her. This was what she had feared every time she’d thought about her feeling for Josh. That is would somehow cause a scandal. That it would somehow hurt him, hurt the administration...hurt the President. It was like every dark worry she’d ever had about her relationship with Josh was coming true. 

Suddenly it felt like someone had wound a key in Donna’s body and the pain she’d been feeling ratcheted up a few notches. Big notches. It took enormous effort on her part not to wince or cry out. She had to hold it together. She wouldn’t let CJ know how much pain she was in. Donna concentrated on just breathing in and out for a moment. 

“What...what do you want to know?” Donna somehow managed to say with a calm voice. 

Donna was covering it so well, CJ had no idea she was struggling simply hang on. “Is there anything going on between you and Josh?” 

Donna didn’t want to have this conversation. At least not like this. Not as if she was being interviewed, however kindly, by the Press Police. To have a conversation with CJ, as a friend, like the one she’d had with Ainsley the day before would have been great, but to have CJ asking because it was a problem....because Donna herself was a problem, was only making her feel worse, emotionally and physically. 

Again, Donna took a moment to try and concentrate on simply breathing. Her heart slowed a bit but the pain coursing through her remained constant. 

“Not really...not yet anyway,” she began, trying to keep her tone carefully controlled. “I...I...in the courtroom I thought I was going to die and I told him I loved him.” She paused again to breathe. 

“Go on,” CJ urged. 

Donna fought the urge to laugh hysterically. As if it were that simple. Under the circumstances, every word she’d managed to get out felt like it was being torn from her soul. She had to take another breath before she continued. 

“And then I...I woke up here and he said he loved me too.” Donna’s hands were mostly hidden by the bed rails and she clenched them into fists against the pain that had become an almost living thing inside her. 

“That’s it?” CJ asked. 

“Yes,” Donna replied. 

“Did anything ever happen between you before the courthouse?” CJ asked. 

“No. I loved him for a long time but I never told him.” She prayed CJ was almost done because Donna didn’t know how much longer she’d be able to hold it together. 

“Have you talked about what you two are going to do in the future?” CJ asked her. “Together I mean?” 

Now Donna did laugh, in fact it was the first time she’d actually laughed since she’d been shot and the pain it caused nearly stole her breath. Once again she had to take a moment before she answered. 

“CJ, right now the only future I’m focused on is the day I can get out of this bed.” Okay, so that wasn’t exactly true, Donna definitely saw Josh as part of her future, but that was all she was going to say now. 

Rather than seeing the pain Donna was in, CJ saw her somewhat clipped answers as a show of mild anger or annoyance at being questioned about her feelings for Josh. CJ wasn’t that surprised by that reaction, Sam had a similar but much stronger reaction when she’d asked him about Laurie. She knew that when she had to wear her ‘Press Secretary’ hat, it often garnered that kind of reaction. 

“Okay, I’ll take that as a no.” CJ paused and felt like she should extend some kind of olive branch. “You know Donna, my questions don’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t have a relationship with Josh outside the office. In fact, we’ve kind of been preparing for it ever since you helped him recover from Rosslyn.” 

Unfortunately, CJs words did nothing to make Donna feel better. “What?” she asked, stunned. 

“Well, we never told you and Josh this, but those three months he was recovering, we put together a contingency plan to fall back on if you two decided to pursue a relationship.” 

Although part of her acknowledged that what CJ was saying should comfort her, for the most part Donna was hurt, embarrassed and just plain angry. They had it plotted out? As if her feelings for Josh were just something to spin? Had they had some big White House summit to discuss her and her troublesome little feelings for Josh? 

“We felt like we had to be sure that there wouldn’t be any fallout or any chance that any of our numerous enemies could use it against the administration like they did with Laurie,” CJ explained, seeing it as perfectly logical. 

Again, the comparison between her and Laurie. Donna felt her eyes burn with unshed tears of shame and anger. Every muscle and nerve in her body was burning like it was being stretched beyond its limits. 

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t keep comparing me to a prostitute,” Donna ground out. 

CJ again mistook Donna’s tone for anger rather than pain and she blinked in surprised shock as she realized how what she had said could have sounded. “Oh, God, Donna I’m sorry...I didn’t mean...” 

“How you guys doing?” Josh said pleasantly as they came back into Donna’s cubical. He and Toby had gone down to the cafeteria for coffee and a bagel and he was feeling pretty good. His question was greeted with an awkward silence that made him frown. “What’s going on?” he said feeling the weird vibe in the room. 

“Donna, I didn’t....” CJ tried again, but Donna cut her off. 

“I’m tired,” Donna said, closing her eyes. “I need to get some rest. You better go.” 

Toby looked between CJ who looked stricken and a little pale, Donna who looked...well, not good, and Josh who exchanged a ‘what the hell happened’ look with him. Whatever had gone on between the two women while he and Josh were gone had apparently not been good. 

“Donna...” CJ tried a third time. 

“Just go,” Donna whispered. She’d about reached the end of her rope with the pain. 

Toby knew when it was time to make an exit. “Come on, CJ,” he said tugging her gently out of the chair. “Bye you guys, we’ll talk to you later.” With that he walked out of Donna’s cubical, all but pulling CJ behind him. 

Josh reached down to take her hand, but found it clenched into a tight fist. “Donna? Donna, what is it?” he asked, wrapping his hand around her fist. His heart began to pound as he knew that something was really wrong. 

“Are they gone?” she asked through tightly clenched teeth. 

He glanced up just to double check. “Yeah, they’re gone. Now what’s wrong?” 

At his words, a breath seemed to explode from her and with it a little sob. “Go get, Mary,” she choked out. 

His panic level went through the ceiling but he tried to keep his voice calm. “Donna...what’s wrong?” 

She was sobbing softly now and her upper body struggled against her restraints uselessly. “Hurts...God, Josh...it hurts. Mary...go get Mary.” 


	18. Trial by Fire 18

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 18**

Seeing her distress Josh ran to the end of her cubical and called for Mary, who happened to be on duty that day. Actually Mary had just been preparing to check on Donna. The main ICU desk had a feed for each of the patients that all her vital and Mary had noticed all of Donna’s had been higher and faster than they should have been. Hearing the anxiety in Josh’s voice made her move quickly to check on her. It only took one look to see that Donna was in dire straights. She told, Janet, the other nurse on duty to call Donna’s doctors. 

“Josh, you’ll have to wait out here, I’m going to need some room,” Mary said pushing him out of the cubical as gently but firmly as she could before pulling the curtain closed. 

Josh stood there, stunned and worried, as he continued to hear snatches of Mary and Donna’s conversation. 

“Donna, tell me what’s wrong?” 

“Hurts...” she replied with choked sobs. 

“Where?” 

“Chest, stomach, arms, head...” More sobs. 

Janet hung up the phone and slipped past Josh into Donna’s cubical. “Dr. Chambers is on his way up,” she told Mary. 

“Okay,” Mary replied. “Her muscles all seem very tight. Take her blood pressure again while I check her incision.” There was a slight pause. “Donna, I know it hurts but I need you try and calm down. Try taking slow, deep breaths.” 

Josh heard the sound of the Velcro strips that kept part of Donna’s brace together being ripped open and the rustle of material as he guessed Mary checked her surgical incision. He knew the sound because as part of Donna’s care they changed her bandage and cleaned the incision twice a day and they had to open a section of the brace to get to it. Then he heard the hiss of the blood pressure cuff as Janet took Donna’s B.P. 

In the background, behind everything else, he heard the sound of Donna softly crying. He took small comfort in the fact that it was no longer sobs. It took all the self control he had not to simply rush in there. 

“Her blood pressure is high, 140 over 102,” Janet reported. 

Just then, Dr. Chambers came rushing into the ICU. He glanced at Josh, but made no attempt to speak to him as he rushed into Donna’s cubical. 

‘What the hell happened?’ Josh wondered dragging a hand through his hair. To keep himself from rushing back into the cubical, he began to pace in front of the closed curtain. Josh heard both nurses relaying the information to Dr. Chambers and Dr. Chambers in turn trying to ask Donna questions. 

What had happened in the 15 minutes he’d been gone? She’d been fine when he left, better than fine even, she’d been ready to kiss him and now she was suffering and in terrible pain. Had something happened while CJ was alone with her? His mind scrambled for some kind of answer. 

Could it be his fault? Was it something he’d done or hadn’t done? Some sign he’d missed? 

Or maybe it was something darker. Maybe it was the curse that had seemed to follow him his whole life. The curse that meant bad things always happened to those he loved. The moment he let his guard down, the moment he let himself be happy, was the moment that they slipped away from him. 

He ran his hand through his hair in fear and frustration. He couldn’t lose her...not now...not after all that had happened between them in the few days. He’d convinced himself that although the question of whether she would walk again or not was up in the air, she was going to live. Had he just been fooling himself? 

He continued to pace as he heard Dr. Chambers giving the nurses instructions. Mary came out and got what looked to be some medication. 

“What’s...?” Josh tried. 

“I can’t talk now Josh,” she told him as she hustled back to Donna. “I swear we’ll talk to you when we get her taken care of.” 

He watched her go back into the cubical and he had no choice but to continue to pace. It was taking what felt like forever. Then he was relieved to hear Donna’s crying grow steadily quieter, while the doctor and the nurse’s voices began to get a little less urgent...a little worried. Surely if her quiet was from things getting worse, the medical stuff would sound more concerned. At least that was what he was making himself believe. 

After what seemed like hours but was only about 30 minutes, Mary and Dr. Chambers stepped out of Donna’s cubical and motioned him over to the ICU desk. As he walked over to them, his heart began to beat in anticipation of what they were going to tell him. 

“Mr. Lyman, can you tell me what was happening when Miss Moss’ condition deteriorated?” Dr. Chambers asked him. 

“I don’t know,” he said running his hand through his hair. “It’s the damnedest thing. Two friends of ours came by and I went down to the cafeteria with one of them and left the other one with Donna. She was feeling a little bit of pain when I left, but she said it was tolerable. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that her spirits were good when I left. I was gone for about 15 minutes and when I came back I knew something was wrong,” he explained. “She told our friends that she was tired and they left. That’s when she told me to get Mary.” 

Josh saw Dr. Chambers glance at Mary then back at him. “Mr. Lyman, I’m going to restrict Miss Moss’ visitors for the time being.” Thinking that might include him, Josh was ready to protest, but Dr. Chambers held up his hand before Josh could actually say anything. 

“Not you, Mr. Lyman. It’s clear that she’s been doing well by having you by her side. But I want to restrict her other visitors.” 

Josh gave a mental sigh. “Okay,” he agreed. “Can you tell me what happened to her?” 

Dr. Chambers sighed softly. “Miss Moss suffered some kind of stress related episode. My guess is from something your friend might have said to her. The low grade pain she was already feeling before the episode may have also been a contributing factor. The stress sent her heart rate, pulse and blood pressure through the roof and caused the muscles in her upper body to tense, almost like one big muscle cramp. That, coupled with the discomfort she was already feeling, is why she was in so much pain.” 

Josh was a little speechless. Was he saying that CJ said something to upset Donna? A sliver of anger flashed through him and he tried to keep it under control. He needed to talk to Donna and CJ before he made any snap judgments but he’d never forgive CJ if something she’d done ended up setting back Donna’s recovery. He focused back in on Dr. Chambers as he continued to speak. 

“You see Mr. Lyman, because of her injury, and at this point in her recovery, her body is very sensitive to things like stress. She needs to remain as calm and relaxed as possible. From the nature of her injuries and her unclear prognosis, she’s already under a certain amount of stress and any additions to that could be potentially damaging to her recovery.” 

“I see,” Josh said with a nod. 

“So for the time being I’d like to set up an approved visitor’s list for her. You, of course and maybe two or three other people. I’d also like to keep her visitors to one at a time, although one plus you would be all right too. Like I said, she seems to respond better when you’re there.” 

Josh was warmed by the fact that it wasn’t just his own oversized ego that thought Donna was comforted by having him around. 

“Pick people that you think Miss Moss feels the most comfortable around or that you feel will be less likely to upset her,” Dr. Chambers continued. “Just give your list to Mary and she’ll see that the nurses and the Marshals on guard only let the approved visitors in to see her.” 

Suddenly, Josh had a flashback to when he was in the hospital and then when he was recovering at home and how tight Donna had been with who could and could not visit and how often they could come by. At the time he’d been annoyed at what he saw was over protectiveness. Now, he had a whole new respect for her and just how much she’d tried to take care of him. 

“How is she now?” Josh asked. 

“Resting much more comfortably. You can go in a see her when we get done,” Dr. Chambers told him. “We gave her a muscle relaxant for the cramping and we gave her some Demerol for the pain. The Demerol will probably make her sleepy, which is good as sleep is the best thing for her right now. Be sure to let the nurses know if she complains of any nausea, which can be a side effect of the medication. We’ll give her another dose of Demerol and the muscle relaxant to get her through the night and then do a full assessment in the morning. Although it will depend on what we see during that assessment, I think that she’s experiencing enough pain now that we’ll start her on some kind of regular pain management. We won’t use the Demerol for that as it can be addictive and can have a number of side effects, especially with prolonged use.” He paused and looked at Josh for a long moment to see if he was taking everything in. “Do you have any questions, Mr. Lyman?” 

“No, thank you for explaining everything to me, Dr. Chambers, and for taking such good care of Donna.” 

“You’re welcome,” he said with a kindly smile. “Now why don’t you go see her? I think it will do both of you a world of good.” 

Josh nodded. “Thanks.” As Dr. Chambers turned to speak to Mary for a moment, Josh walked over to Donna’s cubical and went around the still closed curtain. Standing at the foot of Donna’s bed, he paused. Although he knew it was irrational, he was a little scared that if he touched her something might happen again. 

Janet, the other ICU nurse, was still in the cubical making some adjustments to Donna’s i.v. and writing some notations on her chart. 

“Hi, Mr. Lyman,” she said softly as she stepped over to where he stood at the edge of the room. 

Mary was the only nurse that called him ‘Josh.’ The others all called him, ‘Mr. Lyman.’ Yesterday, Donna had joked it was because he scared them with his glaring and his bellowing. When he pointed out that he hadn’t done any bellowing since she’d been at the hospital, Donna merely commented that his bellowing was legendary and his reputation had preceded him. 

“She’s pretty groggy, but she was just asking for you,” Janet told him with a smile. She sensed his hesitation. “Go on, she’s okay.” With that, she moved past him, opened the curtain half way and stepped out into the ICU, leaving him alone with Donna. 

He forced his feet to move him forward until he was standing next to her. Her eyes were closed and her face was relaxed but he could see her nose was red from crying and there were tears, some dry and some not, lingering on her lashes and the sides of her face. Leaning down, he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. After their earlier, almost kiss, it wasn’t exactly how he’d pictured the next time he kissed her but it would have to hold him for now. 

Even with all the medication in her system and the fact that it was a relatively new sensation, Donna knew the feel of Josh’s lips on her skin. “Josh?” she said softly as her blue eyes fluttered open. 

“Hey,” he said gently. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better...sleepy,” she said with heavy eyelids and slightly slurred words. “Have the good drugs now.” 

He grinned a little at that. “Yeah, so they tell me.” 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered and even drugged up and half asleep, a new tear slid from her eye. 

Tenderly, he wiped the tear away with his thumb, then he rested his arms on the bed rail so he could stay close to her. “I told you to stop saying you’re sorry.” 

“Scared you.” 

“Yeah, you did, but you didn’t mean to, so there’s nothing to be sorry for,” he told her gently. 

“A burden...trouble,” she said, trying to pull the words out of her foggy brain and not succeeding all that well. 

“Hey...you’re not a burden or trouble, I don’t ever want to hear you say that,” he told her with a gentle firmness. 

“But CJ...” Her voice trailed off. 

He didn’t want to upset her again so he kept his tone gentle and patient. If she didn’t want to talk about it he wasn’t going to push it. “Can you tell me what CJ said? If not, it’s okay.” 

With all the drugs she had running through her system it was impossible to find the energy to get upset. In fact, it was acting on her more like truth serum. If she’d been fully conscious she probably would have just told Josh it was nothing and to forget it. 

“Me and you...what happened...first call,” Donna managed sleepily. “Sam and Laurie.” Even half asleep she swallowed visibly and let out a sad little sigh. “Never meant...don’t want to be...Laurie.” 

Rage bloomed inside him, and he gripped the bedrail hard. That must have been the weird vibe he got between CJ and Donna when he’d come back from the cafeteria. If he was getting things down correctly, CJ had asked Donna about the two of them and somehow, Donna had come away with the idea that she had somehow landed in Laurie’s part. ‘God’, he thought. ‘No wonder she’d had an episode. Being seen in that light would have devastated her.’ 

Tamping down the anger until he got CJ on the phone...he didn’t trust himself to see her in person any time soon, he let out a breath and laid his hand on the top of her head and began stroking her hair slowly. 

“Listen to me now, Donna,” he said leaning in to put his mouth close to her ear. “You could never, ever, be Laurie. You’re Donna and you’re beautiful and smart and you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything else is crap.” He paused. “Do you understand?” 

Although Donna was more asleep than awake, she felt a wave of comforting warmth flow over her. “Yes,” she answered with a sleepy smile. 

“Yes, what?” Josh wanted her to say it so he knew she’d really heard him. 

“I understand,” she said softly as her eyes slid closed. “Hold my hand?” 

“Of course, I’ll hold your hand.” He pulled one of the chairs over to the bed, sat down in it and reached down to take her hand in his. He was glad to see that her clenched fist was now open and relaxed and it closed around his with a feather light touch. “Now get some rest,” he told her as he went back to stroking her head with his free hand. 

The corner of her mouth quirked up in another sleepy attempt at a contented smile. “Kay.” 

Even after she’d drifted off, he continued to sit there and watch her. ‘Oh, Donna,’ he thought. ‘How much are we going to be asked to endure?’ he wondered. 

As if her paralysis weren’t enough to endure, now the world was going to frown on what had developed so innocently between them. 

“I promise you, Donna, no matter what, I’ll be right by your side,” he vowed to her softly. ”We’ve always been an unstoppable team and as long as we have each other, there’s nothing that we can’t get through.” 

Standing, he pressed a light kiss to her cheek. As he stood and slid his hand out of hers, he watched her for a few moments longer. She stayed peacefully asleep and didn’t stir. Digging his cell phone out of the bag that Sam had brought him, he turned and walked out of the ICU. 

He had a call to make. 

He just had to find someplace where no one would hear him yelling. 

********** 

“Here’s a copy of the President’s remarks for tomorrow,” Toby said as he walked into CJ’s office with the file in his hand. Her back was to him as she stared out the window. “CJ?” he tried again when she didn’t acknowledge him at first. 

“What?” she said, jumping slightly as she turned to face him. “Oh, hi, Toby. What did you need?” 

“I just brought you a copy of the President’s remarks for tomorrow,” he repeated as he held out the folder. 

CJ took it from him, and laying it on her desk, she scanned it without really seeing it. Her mind was still staring out the window. “Thanks, Toby,” she said absently as she pretended to read it. 

Toby had known her long enough to recognize when something was wrong and while he was usually the last one to stick his head in the lion’s mouth, he decided it was probably a good idea right now. Walking over to her door, he closed it and turned back to her. “CJ?” 

The gentle, yet firm tone in his voice got through to her and she looked up. “What?” 

“You’ve been awfully quiet since we left the ICU. Is there something you want to tell me about your talk with Donna?” 

“No, of course not, why would you think that?” she asked him as she went back to not reading the folder he’d brought her. 

“Just because I don’t have a personal chapter of Dear Abby in my office like Sam does, doesn’t mean that I can’t be remarkably perceptive,” Toby remarked. 

She stared at him. With everything they’d been through, and as much as she’d like to, especially at that moment, she’d never been able to lie to him. 

“Toby...” she began, but was interrupted by the buzzing of her intercom. “Yes, Carol?” 

“CJ, Josh is on line 1 for you.” 

CJ’s heart fell into her shoes. Was there any chance he wasn’t calling about what she thought he was calling about? No, there was zero chance of that. In fact, she wondered what had taken him so long? She’d been half expecting his call for the last hour. She looked up at Toby and then back down at the phone. “Okay...Carol, put him on hold, I need just a second.” 

“Okay,” Carol said before she switched off the intercom. 

She looked back up at Toby. “In the course of talking to Donna I may have said something that was misunderstood,” she explained quickly. 

Toby bounced the change in his pocket as he watched her for a second. “And I’m guessing that Josh is calling to talk to you about it?” 

“No, I think Josh is calling to rip me a new one.” 

“Well, that was going to be my second guess,” Toby replied. “So what was the misunderstanding?” 

“You know Toby,” CJ began. “I could tell you but I’m probably going to have to tell Josh anyway and I’d just as soon only have to humiliate myself once.” 

“Plus the fact that the longer you leave him on hold the madder he’s going to be,” Toby put in. 

“Exactly. So why don’t you sit down, I’ll put the call on speaker phone and you can hear the whole drama as it unfolds.” 

“So it will be like a little play of sorts?” Toby asked. 

She nodded. “A massacre in three acts, I expect.” 

“Do I need popcorn?” 

Toby didn’t know if this was going to be one of those things that they’d be able to look back and laugh at someday or if it was going to be one of those things where Josh and CJ never spoke to each other again. From the look on CJ’s face he was leaning toward the latter. 

Part of her wanted to laugh at his popcorn comment, but at the moment she was a little too scared of what Josh was going to say. 

“No popcorn,” she answered. “But you need to sit down and shut up now so I can get the show on the road before Josh gets any madder than he probably already is.” 

“Okay,” he said, settling himself on her couch. 

CJ took a breath and punched line 1 on her phone. “Hey, Josh,” she greeted him. “Sorry to keep you waiting, Toby was just in here going over some of the President’s remarks for tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” Josh said calmly. 

‘His voice is awfully calm,’ CJ thought. She was torn between feeling hope that maybe he hadn’t called to scream at her and feeling dread that he’d called to scream at her even more than she’d expected. 

“What can I do for you, mi compadre?” Yes, that was good...keep it light, friendly...breezy. 

“Well, CJ, you can start by telling me what you said to Donna after Toby and I left the room.” 

‘So much for the beating around the bush,’ she thought. “Didn’t Donna tell you what we talked about?” Yes, good...admit to nothing. Find out what Donna said and then make your story work with that. 

There was a long pause from Josh. When he spoke, his voice was low...controlled ...dangerous. 

“No, CJ, Donna hasn’t been real talkative since you left.” 

“She hasn’t?” CJ said with a confused frown. If Donna hadn’t told him what they talked about, how would Josh know to call her? 

“No,” he said, his voice still controlled. “It was kind of hard to talk when she was in the middle of having what her doctor called an ‘episode’.” 

“What? What do you mean she had an episode? What kind of episode?” she asked in concern and confusion. “I know she was a little mad at some of my questions, but...” 

Now he did explode. “She wasn’t mad, CJ, she was in excruciating pain!!!” 

“What are you talking about? If she was in pain, why didn’t she tell me?” 

“Because it was your fault and she didn’t want you to know!!!” he screamed back at her. “That’s what she does, she protects everyone she loves.” 

“But Josh...I never meant to hurt her,” CJ tried to tell him. 

“Well, you failed miserably!” Josh yelled back. “The stress of whatever you said to her sent her blood pressure into the stratosphere and her body into one big tight knot! As you can imagine, that’s not a good thing for someone recovering from a spinal cord injury and abdominal surgery!!!!” 

“I just wanted to help....” CJ sputtered. 

“HELP?!” he said with a harsh laugh. “If you want to help you’ll tell me what you said to her so I can try and fix it!” 

“Is she there? Maybe I can fix it. Can I talk to her?” 

“Yes, CJ, she’s right here. I thought it would do her and the other patients some good if I stood in the intensive care unit while I screamed at you!!!” 

“Okay, so that was a stupid question, but Josh...” she tried again. 

“No, CJ, you can’t talk to her. They’ve got her drugged up on muscle relaxants and Demerol so she could sleep! And even if she was awake and talking I wouldn’t let you talk to her!” 

He paused and even over the phone CJ and Toby could hear him breathing hard from the anger coursing through him. 

“But you’re damn well going to talk to me. You’re going to tell me what the hell you said to her!” Josh demanded. 

CJ glanced at Toby helplessly. The look he gave her as he ran his hand over his bald head was sympathetic, or as sympathetic as his looks ever got, but it was of little comfort to her at that point. 

“I’ve been getting calls...questions outside the briefing,” she began. 

“From who?” 

It didn’t occur to her not to answer. “Danny, Katie and Steve.” 

“Go on,” Josh prompted heatedly. 

“They want to know why you haven’t left the hospital since this thing started. They know you were discharged.” 

“And you couldn’t just tell them it was none of their damn business?!” Josh demanded. 

“I did tell them that, Josh!” CJ said, trying to defend herself. “But they weren’t buying it and so I wanted to know what was going on with you two in case they dug up something I didn’t know about. I thought Donna would be the best one to ask.” 

“Well, you were wrong,” Josh told her. “What else did you say to her?” 

“I asked if anything had happened between you two before the thing at the courthouse and if you’d talked about future plans,” she replied. “Then I told her that it would be okay if you two wanted to have a relationship because we had a contingency plan for that.” 

“A CONTINGENCY PLAN?” he screeched. “CJ, this is our fucking life you’re talking about, not some new piece of legislation!!! Don’t you think it might have been just the tiniest bit disconcerting to her, and hell, to ME for that matter, to find out that our feelings for each other were seen by the White House as a little more than a potential, political problem that needed to be planned for like some...some...EXIT STRATEGY?!!” 

“When you put it that way, yes I can see why it might not be received in the best light,” CJ agreed and she rested her forehead against her hand. This was turning out SO much worse that she expected. “But I swear, when I told her that, I was doing it to try and reassure her that a relationship with you was okay.” 

“Did you ever think that maybe we don’t give a rat’s ass about whether or not you guys think our relationship is okay?!!” 

CJ managed to find a little anger of her own. “No, Josh, I didn’t think that...and if you weren’t so pissed at me you wouldn’t think it either. You and Donna are both smart enough and politically savvy enough to know that if you guys want to have a relationship while we’re still in the White House, you’re going to need our support and our help to do it!” 

There was another long pause from Josh. “Your support and help?” he said with another humorless laugh. “Were you giving us your ‘support and help’ when you compared Donna to Laurie?” 

CJ swallowed. “Okay, I know that sounds bad...” she began. 

“IT SOUNDS BAD?!!!!” Josh yelled back. 

“It was a misunderstanding, Josh,” she exclaimed. “A poor choice of words on my part.” 

“A poor...CJ, what the hell...?!!” 

“What I said was that if I was going to protect both of you and the President I had to know what was going on and I needed to be your first call,” CJ told him. “Just like I told Sam about Laurie,” she added quietly. 

Toby put his head in his hands. 

“And you didn’t think that Donna would take that to mean that you were comparing her to Laurie...to a call girl...to a WHORE?!!” 

She paused. “I swear Josh, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t even make the connection until the second time...” 

“SECOND TIME?!!!!” Josh screamed. 

Toby continued to hold his head in his hands. 

CJ would be surprised if they hadn’t heard Josh’s screaming over in the Oval that time. “I was trying to give her a rationale for why we needed the contingency plan. I told her that we wanted to be sure we’d planned for everything so that everyone that hates us, couldn’t use things against us.” 

“Like they did with Laurie?” Josh finished for her. Now it was so clear. It’s a wonder Donna didn’t simply have a stroke over being called a whore twice in one conversation. 

“Yeah,” CJ replied. There was no answer from Josh’s end of the conversation. “Josh?” 

“I’m here.” His voice had taken on that dangerous tone again. 

“I’ll do anything to fix this. Just tell me what you want me to do.” 

Josh gave another cold, harsh laugh. “What you can do, CJ...is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because of this episode and the fact that she needs to stay as calm and relaxed as possible, the doctors have restricted her visitors. Needless to say you’re not on the list.” 

He paused for a moment. “Until I say, you don’t try and see her, you don’t call her, you don’t talk to her, you don’t send her a note or a letter or a message by carrier pigeon...you don’t even think about her. If you want...no, if you absolutely NEED and I mean NEED, as in a grand jury or anything else short of a Congressional subpoena is getting ready to sit your ass in a witness chair...any information on us, you go through me, not her, ME. Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, you’re coming through crystal clear,” she told him. “Josh, would it help...” She trailed off as the line went dead and the sound of a dial tone filled the her office. “...if I said I was sorry,” she finished. Idly, she pressed the button to turn off the speakerphone. 

After a moment, she looked over at Toby, who was now sitting back on the couch. “Okay, so it was a massacre in one act.” 

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “And it wasn’t so much like watching a play as it was like watching a train wreck.” He stood up and walked toward her. “CJ...” 

She held up her hand. “Toby...if you want to yell at me about this too, then fine. But I’m going to need you to hold off until tomorrow. Because right now, I really just need a minute to put my head down on my desk.” 

Toby looked at her. “I wasn’t going to yell. I think Josh just did a fairly passable job of that. What I was going to say was that this is one of those times when you have to remind yourself that your intentions were good and you were just putting the needs of the Administration ahead of your own personal interests and while that’s a hard thing, it’s also what makes you a good Press Secretary.” 

“Thanks, Toby,” she said softly. His praise meant a lot to her. 

He walked to the door, but paused as he laid his hand on the knob and turned back to her. “Plus, Donna is one of the most forgiving people I know. She’ll forgive you and once she does, Josh will come around too.” 

With that, Toby opened the door and, closing her door behind him, went out into the hall. 

Alone in her office, CJ laid her head down on her desk and tried her not to cry all over her laptop. 


	19. Trial by Fire 19

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 19**

After a fairly sleepless night for Josh that was spent mostly watching Donna breathe and making sure she was sleeping peacefully, she awoke to him still watching her. 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hey. How are you feeling this morning?” 

Donna took stock. “I still feel a little groggy from whatever they gave me. And my whole body feels a little sore...well, the part I can feel anyway,” she added softly. 

“Yeah, Mary said that might happen,” he told her. “It’s the same in principle as having a sore leg after a really bad charlie horse.” 

She looked at him for a minute. “Josh, what did happen to me yesterday?” she asked. She didn’t remember too much after the doctor had come in except that the pain had lessened and things had gotten soft and foggy. She also remembered that Josh had been there. 

He considered trying to change the subject, but he knew that she’d do better if she was involved and informed. He took her hand. “Well, the doctor said you had a stress related episode.” 

“What does that mean?” she asked with a frown. 

“Between the pain you were already feeling and the way the talk with CJ apparently upset you, your body reacted badly.” He paused. “All of your vitals signs went off the chart and your body went into one big muscle spasm. That’s why you were in so much pain.” 

“My conversation with CJ?” she said slowly as her mind struggled to remember it. Slowly it began to seep back in. Questions from the Press...What was happening with her and Josh...Contingency plans...Laurie. 

“Oh, God,” she whispered as she felt tears swim in her eyes. 

Josh saw that it was upsetting her again. ‘I have to get through to her,’ he thought, as he stood up quickly, “Donna...Donna, look at me.” After a moment she did as he asked. His heart ached to see the tears swimming in her eyes. Laying a gentle hand on each side of her face, his thumbs brushed away her tears as they fell. “I know what CJ said...I called her last night.” 

“Oh, Josh...I never meant to be a problem. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell you...” she swallowed. “...how I felt.” 

“You’re not a problem.” She started to say something but he stopped her. “Donna... nothing she said matters,” he told her as he leaned in closer. “What matters is you and me and the fact that you’re going to get better. But to get better you need to stay calm and relaxed.” He saw the panic and distress begin to seep out of her eyes and he knew he was getting through to her. 

“Do you remember what I told you last night? You know, after they gave you the drugs?” he asked her next. 

Trying hard to remember, she blinked a couple of times at him. She imagined it would be a lot more pleasant than her memories of CJ. “It’s kind of fuzzy,” she said with a sniff. “Could you tell me again?” 

He smiled. “I said you could never be Laurie. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything else is crap.” 

“Really?” she said on a sigh and a relieved smile. “You said that?” 

“Well, I don’t have it tape recorded so you’ll have to take my word for it, but yeah,” he teased. 

“I do take your word for it,” she said softly. 

“Good. Now...” he said with a smile as he slid his hands from her face and rested his arms on the bedrail so he could still lean over without killing his already stiff back. “Like I said, you need to keep your stress and tension to a minimum. To help with that, Dr. Chambers has decided to restrict your visitors.” He saw her start to protest. 

“I get to stay with you.” He was happy to see that made her smile. “But he only wants there to be a couple of others. I thought Sam. Is there anyone else you want me to put on the list?” 

She thought for a moment. “Sam’s fine, so’s Ainsley, but...” her voice trailed off. 

“But what?” he asked for a frown. 

“I don’t...I don’t want to talk to CJ.” 

“I already took care of it,” he told her, but didn’t explain further. 

Donna wasn’t in any mood to question him. “Okay,” she replied. 

They were quiet for a moment. “How’s the pain in your stomach this morning?” 

“Still there in it’s glory but I can handle it. I wouldn’t refuse some more pain meds if they offered them to me, though,” she told him. 

As much as having Josh there was a mental comfort, she couldn’t seem to get physically comfortable and she had to resist the urge to try and squirm. 

“Dr. Chambers said they were going to check you out this morning and then set up some kind of regular pain management.” 

“Good,” she replied. Her body felt a little weird and she tried to figure out why. “You know, Josh, I think I’m going to need your chivalrous routine again,” she said a little absently. 

“Well, sure, what can I do? I haven’t even shaved yet this morning,” he said with a little grin. 

“It may be going a little above and beyond the call if you use your cheek since I think you’ll have to turn into a pretzel to do it.” 

“That’s okay, I like a challenge,” he smirked. 

Donna rolled her eyes. “Well, then, put your cheek or your hand or whatever on my leg and scratch it.” 

The breath seemed to hang in his chest for a moment. “Why?” 

“Because my leg itches,” she said as if that was the dumbest question he’d ever asked her. 

“What...what did you just say?” Now his heart and his and lungs stopped simultaneously. “Your leg itches?” Hope began to bloom inside him. 

“Yeah, a patch on my top of my right thigh feels like little ants are crawling over it...it’s a little maddening. It’s kind of like when your foot falls asleep and it begins to wake up. I wish I could scratch it,” she replied as she stretched the fingers of her right hand out to see if she could possibly touch any part of her thigh. She’d been so focused on the fact that she couldn’t move her hand to scratch her leg, she’d forgotten that she shouldn’t have needed to scratch her leg at all. 

“Donna? Think about what you’re saying,” Josh told her. 

Donna frowned at him. “I’m saying my leg itch...” she trailed off. Her heart began to pound faster as she realized what he meant. “My leg itches...Oh, my God, Josh...my leg itches! Quick...pull back the sheet and scratch it. Let’s see if I can feel it,” she told him excitedly. 

Grinning with excitement, Josh pulled back the covers. The brace she was wearing came down just below her hips. She didn’t need it any lower than that because the traction weights attached to her legs kept them straight and immobile. Under the brace she was wearing a standard hospital gown that fell to about her knees. 

“Okay, tell me if you feel something,” he told her. Starting where the brace ended and staying on top of her hospital gown, he began to work his way down her thigh in gentle circular motions. Donna was quiet until he got about 3 inches below the edge of the brace. 

“Wait...” she said suddenly. “Wait...right there. Touch it again.” He put a little more pressure on her leg. “Josh, oh, my God, I can feel that,” she said with tears in her voice. “Just barely and it’s almost drowned out by the itching but I can feel it!” 

He moved back up so he could see her face. Happy tears were flowing down the sides of her face and it took him a second to realize a couple were streaming down his own as well. He wanted to gather her in his arms so badly, to hold her, but with her injuries it was next to impossible. Instead he laid his hands on her shoulders, leaned in, kissed her cheek and then pressed his cheek to hers. 

“I knew you could do it,” he whispered in her ear. 

“What’s going on in here, you two?” the nurse demanded from the foot of her bed. “Miss Moss’ vitals are bouncing all over the place. You know she needs to stay calm.” 

Josh released Donna from the ‘quasi-hug’ and stood up. Since they were off duty by then, it wasn’t Mary or Janet that were standing there. He vaguely remembered that this middle-aged black nurse was named Nora. He also remembered that she was all business and seemed unaffected by Josh’s charming personality. 

“My leg itches!...Her leg itches!” They said together. 

Dr. Chambers and Dr. Scott, who’d just come in the ICU to assess Donna’s condition, appeared next to Nora. “What’s happening?” Dr. Chambers exclaimed with a frown. 

Again, Josh and Donna voices overlaid one another. “My leg itches!...Her leg itches!” 

Both Doctors and even the normally dour Nora, gave them bemused smiles. “Well, then our timing is perfect. We were just coming in to see how our favorite patient was doing.” 

“That’s your cue, Mr. Lyman,” Nora said, getting right back into dour mode. Josh wondered if she was ever an army nurse in a previous life or something. “Out,” she commanded. 

The doctors took pity on him. “Don’t worry, Mr. Lyman, we’ll take good care of her, but this examination might take a little longer than normal as we’ll want to check some things. Can you give us maybe an hour?” 

Josh nodded. He wasn’t happy about leaving her but he had no choice. 

“Use your time wisely,” Donna teased. “While you’re gone, I expect you to shower and shave. Oh, and get something to eat.” 

“And when you get done with all that you’d better just wait out in the waiting room,” Nora told him. “I don’t you want you pacing and trampling through my ICU while you wait. The doctors or I will come and get you when we’re finished.” 

“Geez, there’s no need to be so bossy,” Josh muttered. Nora raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay...okay...I’m going,” he said as he picked up his backpack and the bag of clothes and supplies that Sam had brought him. Then he turned to Donna. 

“Good job,” he said with a wink that made her grin. Then he turned and walked out of the ICU. 

********** 

An hour later, Josh was pacing the small confines of the ICU waiting room. 

By then he was fully showered, shaved and the bandage on his shoulder had been changed. Mary had thankfully worked things out with a couple of the nurses up on one of the regular patient floors so he had the use of the patient shower in that ward and one of nurses would change his bandage. He’d even remembered to recharge his electric shaver so he hadn’t cut himself again. Although if Donna was going to kiss him every time he nicked himself, he might just have to go back to a regular razor. 

Because he was thrilled with Donna’s apparent progress and just so she wouldn’t give him any lectures, he’d even ordered a full breakfast down in the cafeteria. A breakfast that had included scrambled eggs, hash browns, turkey bacon, a toasted bagel and coffee. Of course given the fact that he’d hadn’t eaten much since the thing at the courthouse meant he only got through about half of all that food but he felt the attempt was worth something. 

He’d also called everyone he could think of that would be as interested and happy as he was about Donna’s progress. Except CJ, of course. Sam, who promised to tell Ainsley. Toby, who’d promised to tell Ginger and Bonnie, and, Josh assumed, CJ. Given the weird thing Donna had with her parents, Josh didn’t call them but he called his own mother, who had been overjoyed at the news. Charlie, who promised to tell Debbie and The President when he got off his call with the British Prime Minister. He tried to tell Leo but Margaret told him Leo was out of the office, so Josh had told her, knowing full well that given Margaret’s penchant for spreading news faster than a gossip columnist, the rest of the White House, if not D.C. would hear the news by nightfall. 

But now all he had to do was wait. Even with all he’d done, the hour had dragged on forever. So he was doing what he always did when he had to wait...he paced. That is until a voice from behind him, stopped him in mid-stride. 

“Josh?” 

Since he’d been facing the ICU doors he knew it wasn’t the doctors or his ‘buddy’ Nora, so he turned to look behind him. And found Abbey and Leo standing in the doorway to the waiting room with one of Mrs. Bartlet’s secret service detail behind them. Josh assumed the other one was on duty out in the corridor. 

“Hi, Mrs. Bartlet, hey, Leo,” he greeted them. “What are you guys doing here?” 

“Well, I’m here because I was hoping I could check on Donna,” Abbey told him. 

“Me too,” Leo said. “But I also wanted to talk to you about a couple things at work,” Leo told him. 

‘Oh, that can’t be good,’ Josh thought. “Well...actually I’ve got some good news about Donna. It looks like she’s regained a tiny bit of feeling in her leg.” 

“That’s extraordinary, Josh,” Abbey replied with a genuine smile. “For her to regain feeling, especially so soon after her injury, is a very good sign.” 

Josh grinned. “Yeah, it’s only a spot but the doctors seemed very encouraged. As a matter of fact they’re in there right now checking her over,” he told them as he crooked a thumb over his shoulder. 

“That’s great news, kid,” Leo told him. “Hey, while we’re waiting for the doctors, do you think you and I could talk for a few minutes?” 

Josh was saved from having to answer when both Dr. Chambers and Dr. Scott walked into the waiting room. 

“Abbey!” Dr. Chambers said when he saw Mrs. Bartlet. 

“David! It’s so good to see you,” she told him as they gave each other a friendly hug. “How’s Ann?” she asked referring to his wife. 

“She’s great. She made partner in her firm last year so I don’t get to see her quite as often as I’d like, but things are good,” he told her. “How’s that husband of yours?” 

“Oh, you know Jed, same old, same old. If it’s not nuclear weapons in Korea, it’s a civil war in Africa or the military losing some ship or airplane. I never get to see him as often as I’d like, but he’s good.” 

“Good...” Dr. Chambers replied. “Now, I’m sure Mr. Lyman is anxious to hear about Miss Moss.” He turned to face Josh, who was fairly bouncing on the balls of his feet with anticipation. 

“How is she?” 

Dr. Scott answered. “She’s doing very well. In addition to the increased sensation in her torso and abdomen and the patch of feeling on her right thigh that you found, we discovered another patch on the back of her right calf. Even more encouraging is the fact that we found a very, very small spot of mild sensation in the arch of her right foot.” 

“What about her left leg?” Josh asked. 

“We didn’t find any new sensation in her left leg as of yet, but that’s not necessarily unexpected. The damage to the vertebra and the swelling were most severe on the left side because that’s where the bullet was lodged. It only stands to reason that her right side would respond more quickly than the left.” 

“But...” Josh began, trying to figure out if he should be worried or not. “Does that mean that she won’t regain feeling or movement in the left side?” 

Dr. Scott looked at him for a moment. “There is that chance, BUT...” he said when he saw Josh’s face fall a bit. “In my opinion, I think the chance is small, maybe 10%, of that happening. I think that because we’ve seen her right side start to come back so soon after her injury, the damage to the spinal cord will not be as great as we had feared and we’ll see some sensation returning to her left side in the next few days.” 

Josh relaxed a bit at that. “Okay.” 

“Also, after consulting with Dr. Chambers and with Miss Moss herself, we’ve decided to schedule her fusion surgery for tomorrow,” Dr. Scott told him. 

“Tomorrow?” Josh asked in surprise. He didn’t know if he was ready to have her go back into surgery so soon. “But what about her episode yesterday?” 

“Even with her episode yesterday, we feel that her vitals are stable enough and her intestinal injury is far enough along, to tolerate a second surgery. The bone grafts are ready for implantation and they will have the best chance if they’re placed as early as possible. Plus the metal rods we’re going to attach will help to stabilize her spine further,” Dr. Scott explained. 

Josh swallowed down the nausea that threatened to liberate his large breakfast from his stomach. Again, although he knew it was for the best, the thought of them attaching metal rods to her back was something he tried to avoid thinking about. 

“Although she will have to wear a back brace for some time, after the surgery she’ll only have to be in full traction at night and not during the day. As I’m sure you’ve realized that will give her back most of the upper body mobility she’s been missing up until now. She’ll even be able to use a pillow under her head during the day if she wants and with the aid of the hospital bed, she’ll be able to sit up slightly.” 

Josh mentally sighed with relief. He knew what a frustration it had been for Donna not to have the use of her arms. “I see,” Josh told them. 

Dr. Scott smiled. “Don’t worry, Mr. Lyman, things are going very well. I’m much more optimistic about her prognosis than I was during her first operation. It may not seem like it, but she’s made remarkable progress in a few short days. She’s definitely a fighter.” 

Josh grinned. “Yeah, she is that.” 

“Well, we’ve got to be moving on,” Dr. Chambers said. “Abbey...always good to see you.” 

“You too, David, thank you for all you’ve done for Donna,” she said as she shook his hand. 

“She’s been a model patient, I’m just glad we could help,” he replied, then turned back to Josh. “You can go in to see her whenever you like.” With that, the two doctors gave them a final goodbye and headed out of the waiting room. 

Josh turned back to Abbey and Leo. “Could you guys wait here for just a second? I just need to talk to her for a second and I’ll see if she’s up for any visitors,” he said, directing the comment to Abbey. He hadn’t planned on letting Leo see her. Josh was afraid that Leo would just remind her too much of the conversation with CJ and her worries of being branded as the new ‘Laurie.’ 

“Sure, Josh, we’ll wait right here,” Abbey told him. 

“Okay, thanks, I’ll be right back,” Josh told them as he grabbed his bags and headed into the ICU. 

“About time you finally got yourself back here,” Nora clucked as Josh walked by the desk. 

“Why Nora...if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you missed me.” 

Something between a snort and a laugh came out of her. “I just don’t like to see you keep that poor little girl waiting all this time.” 

Josh waved his finger playfully at her. “You just wait, I’m going to win you over yet, Nora.” 

“You keep waving that finger at me, you’re going to pull back a stump,” she teased. “Now get yourself in there...she’s been waiting to see you.” 

With a grin, Josh headed into Donna’s cubicle. “Hey there, gorgeous. I hear there’s good news.” 

She smiled warmly at him. “Very good news, they found a couple more spots on my leg that I can feel,” she told him excitedly. “Did you talk to the doctors?” 

“Yeah, out in the waiting room.” He took her hand. “They told me that you’re ready to have them do your surgery tomorrow. They didn’t pressure you into it or anything, did they? ‘Cause if they did, just say the word and we can wait until you’re ready.” 

She gave his hand a squeeze. “I want to have it, the sooner the better. I don’t want it hanging over my head. Plus they said that I won’t have to be in traction all the time and I’ll be able to move my arms.” 

“Yeah,” he told her with a smile. “I thought you’d like that part.” 

She sensed he was still a little worried. “Josh...it’s okay,” she said, trying to reassure him. “I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I’m not going anywhere now. The sooner I have the surgery, the sooner I can get better.” She paused and gave his hand a squeeze. “And, Josh, I have a lot to get better for.” 

Her enthusiasm and upbeat attitude was very contagious. “Yeah?” he said with a grin. 

“Oh, yeah.” 

He smiled down at her, then noticed something different about her appearance. “Your hair looks nice.” 

It was brushed and pulled into a loose pony tail at the side of her head which wasn’t unusual, as that’s how he’d been doing it since Sam and Ainsley had dropped Donna’s brush and hair things. But there was a little added sheen and sparkle to it. 

“Yeah, Nora helped me with it. She used some of that waterless shampoo which isn’t really all that great but it’s better than nothing,” she explained. 

“Hey, Mrs. Bartlet is here. She wanted to know if she could come back and see you. Feel free to say no. I can tell her you’re too tired.” 

Donna considered that. Mrs. Bartlet had always been kind to her and although she and Josh had clashed now and again politically, Donna remembered how much Mrs. Bartlet had looked out for her and Josh after Rosslyn. “No, it would be nice to see her.” 

“You’re sure?” he asked. 

“Yeah, it will be fine, Josh.” 

“Okay, I just asked because I’m going to have to leave you two alone...” 

“Josh, she’s not the grim reaper or anything and she’s been nothing but nice to me ever since the first campaign.” 

“All right, I was just making sure.” He debated whether or not he should tell her the next part. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone,” he told her quietly. “Leo showed up with her and he wants to talk to me.” 

Donna frowned at that. “What do you think he wants?” 

“Well,” he said, letting out a breath. “I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been AWOL from the White House for the last few days.” 

She wasn’t ready to be without him, on an extended basis anyway, but she also didn’t want to see him in hot water over it. “Josh, you’re not...in trouble or anything are you? I mean for being here...with me? Because it’s....” 

“Donna...” he said laying his finger gently on her lips to stop her. “I told you, I’m right where I want to be. I don’t care what he has to say.” 

“But you’ll have to go back to work sometime,” she told him. “You’re an important guy with an important job. As much as I love having you here, I’m going to be in the hospital for a while and then rehab for even longer.” 

“I know,” he replied. “I can’t put it off forever. After your surgery and after they get you into a regular room and not the ICU, I’ll think about it, but for now...here is where I’m staying. Okay?” 

She smiled. “Okay.” 

“Good. Now that we’ve settled that, I’ll send Mrs. Bartlet back and find out what Leo wants. Remember...no getting upset.” 

Donna rolled her eyes a little. “I know, I know. No repeat of yesterday,” she promised. 

“If she brings up something you don’t want to talk about then....” 

“Then I’ll tell her I don’t want to talk about it,” she finished for him. “Now, go, you’re starting to bug me,” she teased. 

“Okay.” He grinned. “I’ll be back,” he said as he walked out of her cubical. 

“Nora?” he said as he stopped at the desk. 

“Yes?” she said without looking up from the patient chart she was making a notation in. 

“I’d like to add someone to Donna’s approved visitor list.” 

“Okay, but you’ve only got room for one more,” she said as she picked up a clip board and set it down in front of him. “Unless...” Now she did look up. “...you’d like to do us both a favor and take YOUR name off the list.” 

“But if I did that you’d miss my sunny disposition,” he said as he added Abbey’s name to the approved list. 

Nora did the snort/laugh thing again. “Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, Mr. Lyman.” 

“You really are a charmer, Nora,” he said with a little grin. 

She went back to working on the chart. “So my three ex-husbands have told me...on a number of occasions.” 

With a snort of his own, he headed out the ICU doors to the waiting room. “You can go on back, Mrs. Bartlet. I’ve added your name to her visitor list. Donna’s in the third bay on the left.” 

“Thanks, Josh,” Abbey replied. She sensed he had something else to say. “Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?” 

“It’s just...could you be careful not to upset her? She had this thing yesterday,” Josh told her. 

“I meant to ask you about that. You and Dr. Scott were talking about an episode she had?” 

Josh glanced at Leo and then back to Abbey. He assumed that Leo already knew about yesterday. “Yeah, she was talking to CJ and got upset. Then she had what Dr. Chambers called a ‘stress related episode’.” 

Abbey nodded. “Pain and muscle cramps? That kind of thing?” 

Josh blinked in surprise. “How’d you know?” 

“Because I’m not a first year medical student,” she teased with a little smirk. “With her spinal condition, and the delicate condition her body’s in right now, it happens sometimes. Then you add in her intestinal injury and the fact that she’s being fed intravenously, it’s easy to throw the body out of whack. Stress and anxiety are hard on the body under the best of conditions. With all she’s going through I imagine it sent all her vitals through the roof.” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Josh, don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. I even left my cattle prod and my thumb screws back at the White House.” She turned and started for the ICU doors. 

He grinned. “Oh, Mrs. Bartlet.” 

She paused and turned back toward him. “Yes?” 

“Look out for the head ICU nurse, her name’s Nora and she’s feisty.” 

Abbey smiled. “I’ve been around my share of feisty nurses...I’m sure it will be fine.” 

“She’ll probably give you a little static about your Secret Service detail,” Josh added. 

Abbey glanced at her two agents and back at Josh. “Wouldn’t be the first time I had to explain my two shadows. Now stop worrying. You and Leo go talk about...whatever you and Leo need to talk about.” 

She waited at the door for a moment, while Leo pulled Josh down the corridor with him. Then she turned and walked into the ICU. 


	20. Trial by Fire 20

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 20**

The nurse looked up as Abbey approached the desk. “Can I help you?” 

“You must be Nora,” Abbey said genially. “I’m Dr. Bartlet. I’m here to see Donna Moss.” 

“Oh, yes, Mr. Lyman added your name to the visitor list.” Nora glanced at the two dark suited men with Miss Moss’ new visitor. 

“I’m sorry but the doctor was very specific. With the exception of Mr. Lyman, Miss Moss can only have one visitor at a time. Your friends will have to stay out in the waiting room.” 

Abbey could appreciate a nurse that like things orderly. “Well, you see they can’t. By law they have to stay with me. You see, they’re my shadows, Tom and Jim. They’re quiet, don’t say much, in fact it took me a year before I even found out their names. They aren’t actually here to see Donna. They’ll stay outside the cubicles just like the Marshal over there.” Abbey paused. She’d known many nurses like Nora and she knew that they responded better to being asked rather than told. “Will that be all right?” 

Nora blinked at her for a moment and Abbey saw the recognition come into her eyes. “You’re THAT Dr. Bartlet aren’t you?” 

Abbey smiled. “Indeed I am.” 

“I’m sorry, Dr. Bartlet, I didn’t recognize you. Of course, they can stay. I was just...” 

“Following orders. Yes, I know,” Abbey told her. “And I can appreciate that. A well-run ICU takes order and discipline.” 

Nora smiled at the praise. “Thank you, Dr. Bartlet.” 

Abbey had been a doctor and a politician’s wife long enough to know when she’d won someone over. “You’re very welcome. Now, I think Josh said she was in Bay 3?” 

“Oh, yes, ma’am. It’s the first occupied bay on the left. I believe Mr. Lyman told her to expect you.” 

“Thank you, Nora,” she said as she turned and walked to Donna’s cubical. Quietly, in case she was sleeping, Abbey walked to the side of Donna’s bed. 

But Donna was awake and she turned her head toward the sound. “Hi, Mrs. Bartlet.” 

Abbey smiled down at her. “Hi, yourself, Donna. How are you doing?” 

“Well, I’ve had better days, ma’am. But they’ve started me on some new pain medication and it’s making me more comfortable.” 

“Glad to hear it. Now...we’re not in the White House so why don’t you drop the ‘Mrs. Bartlet’ and the ‘ma’am’? Here, I’m just Abbey.” 

“Are you sure?” Donna said. The last thing she wanted to do was offend the First Lady. 

“Positive,” she said with a smile as she pulled up a chair and sat down. “So I was talking to your doctors and they’re very happy with your progress. They said you’ve even gotten some feeling back in your right leg.” 

“Yes, it’s very exciting,” Donna said with a smile, but it didn’t take it long to fade. “I’m a little worried though...” 

Abbey frowned. “Donna? What is it?” 

“I didn’t tell Josh or anything, but...” She was finding it hard to say the words. In the back of her mind she was thinking, ‘What if speaking the words made them come true?’ 

“Donna...don’t you think you’d feel better if you talked about it?” Abbey prompted softly. 

She stared at Abbey for a moment. “I’m...” she began haltingly. “I’m a little worried that all the feeling is in my right leg, but there’s nothing in my left.” 

“Now see, was that so hard to say?” Abbey said with a smile. “Didn’t Dr. Chambers or Dr. Scott talk to you about that?” Donna shook her head. “Well, I’m not going to lie to you, there is a chance that you could only regain the function in your right leg. But that chance is pretty small. The damage was more severe on the left side of your spine and the fact that you’ve already began to have sensation in your right leg is an excellent sign. You’re doctors are very optimistic.” Give yourself at least a few more days before you start worrying. After that, if you still need to worry, let me know and I’ll worry with you.” 

Donna smiled then, and this time it stayed on her face for longer than a few seconds. “Thank you, Mrs. B...I mean, Abbey.” 

Abbey smiled back. “So...I’d ask you what you’ve been up too, but I’m guessing that since they’ve got you trussed up like a Butterball turkey, you’ve pretty much been doing what you’re doing now.” 

“Pretty much,” Donna replied. “The highlight of my day is usually when I get Josh or one of the nurses to brush my hair.” 

Abbey smiled. “It’s nice to see Josh taking care of you for a change after all the times you’ve taken such good care of him.” 

“He really has been wonderful,” Donna told her. 

Abbey was glad to see that, even under the worrisome situation she found herself, Donna had apparently found some happiness with Josh. “I’ve long suspected that there was something deeper under all the Josh Lyman political prowess. No one is that fiery and determined about what he does without having a passionate soul.” She watched Donna for a moment. “You suspected it too, didn’t you?” 

“No, I didn’t,” Donna replied. “I knew it.” 

Abbey could see Donna being completely honest. She gave her hand a squeeze. “And that’s why you were meant for each other.” 

The two women, both of whom loved passionate and wonderful, but sometimes arrogant and difficult men, exchanged a long look. 

“Be happy, Donna,” Abbey told her softly. “You and I know better than most that each day is precious and those we love can be snatched away from us in the blink of an eye.” 

“Thank you,” Donna whispered a little tearfully. 

By then, Abbey was a little teary herself. “Now...no tears. If Josh comes back and finds out that I made you cry he’s going to hit the ceiling and Tom and Jim will have to hog tie him when he tries to strangle me.” 

Donna smiled and sniffed. “Well, I can’t have that.” A comfortable silence fell between them as they both regained their composure. 

“Donna, can I ask you something?” Abbey finally asked. 

“Sure.” 

“Well, I’ve been kind of wondering something, and feel free to take a pass and not answer, especially if it’s a sore subject of some kind...” 

“What it is, Abbey?” Donna asked with a frown. She had no clue what Abbey wanted to ask her. 

“What’s going on with you and your family?” 

“Oh, that,” Donna replied. The subject made her a little sad, but didn’t upset her. In fact in the light of everything she’d been through in the last week her family was the least of her worries. 

“Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” 

“No, it’s all right.” Donna let out a sigh. “It also isn’t a big mystery. I haven’t told Josh because I thought he’d blame himself and with his compulsive need to fix things he’d try to get us to patch things up.” 

“Would patching things up be so bad?” 

“In theory, no,” Donna began. “Except for the fact that the only way they’re going to be happy enough to want to patch things up with me is if I leave Washington, move back to Wisconsin, marry an orthodontist, be a housewife, and have babies as soon as humanly possible.” 

“Oh, I see,” Abbey said with a nod. “You’re right. That’s not a big mystery. Are you sure there isn’t any wiggle room? They won’t meet you halfway?” 

She started to chuckle but stopped when she remembered what had happened when she’d laughed during her conversation with CJ. “Sorry, hurts when I laugh,” she explained as the chuckle turned into a sigh. “My parents don’t know the meaning of ‘wiggle room.’ The day I left Wisconsin to join the President’s campaign was the day that I disappointed them, and nothing has been the same since.” 

“But surely they must be proud that you work in the White House, for the President.” 

“Nah, not really,” Donna told her. “They think I’m just another underpaid, overworked Secretary. The fact that the President is a liberal Democrat doesn’t help either.” 

“They’re conservative Republicans?” 

“Down to the bone.” 

Abbey considered that. “Well Donna, I’m sorry to hear that, but I want you to know that Jed and I think of you as part of our family and if you need anything, now or in the future, you can count on us. Even if you become a conservative Republican,” she added with a smile. 

Tears swam in Donna’s eyes again. “Now how do you expect me to not cry when you say things like that?” 

Abbey smiled turned into a grin. “Sorry, I’m done. I promise.” 

“I do appreciate it, though,” Donna said softly as she looked at Abbey for a long moment. “This is going to sound weird but in many ways, I feel incredibly lucky. I’m alive...I’ve got Josh, my friends...and you and the President to lean on. Not that I want to be a burden or anything...” 

Abbey gave her hand a squeeze. “You could never be a burden, Donna.” 

Donna squeezed her hand back. “Thanks.” She let out a breath. “I don’t even want to think about what it would be like if I’d only had my family to rely on,” she said almost absently. 

“Well, you’ll never have to find out,” Abbey told her brightly. “Like you said, you’ve got all of us and Josh. I’m just so glad he’s still in one piece...well, mostly anyway. Thank God his wound wasn’t any worse.” 

Donna stared at her, her heart leaping into her throat. “His wound?” Donna’s voice tripped softly over the word. 

Abbey looked at her. “Yes, the one on the back his shoulder...from being shot at the courthouse.” She frowned at the look on Donna’s face. “He told you about that...didn’t he?” Abbey said, hoping she hadn’t just opened a can of worms. 

Shot? Josh was shot? Donna had to force down the wave of nausea that washed over her. Why hadn’t he told her? 

“Donna?” Abbey said when she didn’t answer right away. 

Donna needed a little time to process this bit of information and she knew that Abbey would feel terrible if she found out she’d just gotten Josh into hot water so she covered her stunned surprise. 

“Oh, that. Of course, he told me. It’s just...I don’t like to talk about it.” She paused. “Brings up too many memories about Rosslyn, I guess.” 

Abbey looked at Donna for a moment, but her expression was unreadable. That in itself was a little disconcerting to Abbey. Something didn’t feel right to her. However, it was nothing she could put her finger on, so she really wasn’t in a position to say anything. 

“Well, that’s understandable,” Abbey said. 

‘Change the subject,’ Donna said to herself. “So what are your daughters up to these days?” 

Abbey smiled. “Oh, now you’ve hit on my favorite subject...my girls. Let’s see, Liz is...” 

Although Donna kept her eyes on Abbey and nodded at regular intervals, she’d stopped listening at that point. Josh was shot? Her mind was still trying to process this new piece of information and failing miserably. It couldn’t be true. He would have told her...wouldn’t he? 

Wait...his clothes. What had it been about his clothes? When she’d first woken up in the ICU...there had been something about them...what had it been? Then it came to her in a flash. A hospital gown. That was it. He’d been wearing a hospital gown. The image of him in the gown really seemed to bring it home to her. Oh, God...Josh had been shot. 

Knowing it would probably be a huge set back if she had another ‘episode’, Donna focused her body’s attention on keeping her breathing slow and even. 

Her mind, however, was focused on trying to figure out if she was going to hug Josh for apparently not being hurt too badly or kill him for not telling her that he was hurt in the first place. 

********** 

Josh and Leo stood in the same closed door basement conference room that he’d used for his call to CJ yesterday. Josh figured there was a better than average chance that there would be some yelling between them at one point or another so he’d suggested it. 

“So the Speaker is coming by tomorrow morning to go over the new stimulus package. Since you did all the background on that, it would be helpful if you could be there,” Leo told him. 

Josh was leaning against the wall, trying to keep his cool. He knew that Leo could hold his own in a shouting match. 

“I told you, Leo, I’m staying here,” Josh said simply. 

“But she’ll be in surgery for 4 to 6 hours tomorrow,” Leo argued. “You won’t have anything to do but wait anyway. Why can’t you do it at the White House and get some work done at the same time?” 

“Because I can’t, Leo. Donna sat through my 16 hour surgery and then nursed me back to health for 3 months afterwards. The least I can do is wait during her 4 to 6 hour surgery and stay by her side for a few more days.” He paused. “I’m not going to abandon her now.” 

“I’m not asking you to abandon her!” Leo exclaimed. ”I’m just asking you to do your job!” 

“Right now, Donna is the only thing on my mind,” Josh told him calmly. He wasn’t going to be swayed on this. 

Leo glared at him he couldn’t believe that Josh was being so stubborn about this. “The stimulus package is important Josh.” 

“And Donna isn’t?” he shot back, a little more heatedly than he’d planned. 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Leo replied. 

“Look, Sam helped me do the leg work and the background on the language, he can sit in for me.” Josh would rather have Sam with him tomorrow for some moral support during Donna’s surgery, but he knew one of them should be at the meeting. 

Leo continued to glare at him. “Fine. So just when do you think you’ll be gracing the White House with your presence again?” he said, unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice. 

“Once she’s out of the ICU I’ll come back. Until then, she needs me and I’m going to be there for her.” 

“Well, Josh, the country needs you too, the campaign needs you and so does the President,” Leo shot back. 

“Leo, why is this so hard for you to understand?” Josh asked him. “Do you get that I’m in love with her? That five days ago, she nearly died in my arms? That she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me?” 

It was the first time he’d really said that to anyone other than Donna or Sam and although he felt a little weird saying it to Leo, in general it felt pretty damn good. 

“Yes, Josh, contrary to what you might think, I do get that. I just don’t want you to lose sight of they guy you got elected 3 years ago either. I remember when you used to think that working at the White House was the best thing that ever happened to you.” 

Josh let out a breath. “Well, things change, Leo,” he said, trying to explain. “Right now, she’s my priority. I serve at the pleasure of the President but I’m no good to him if my head isn’t in the game and it won’t be in the game as long as she’s still in the ICU.” 

Leo looked at him. Something in Josh had changed. Really changed. There had never been anything, including a woman...not even Donna, that had come between him and politics. But apparently, his new found feelings for Donna had deeply affected him. 

“Well, then as your boss, I have to say, I’m disappointed in you...” 

Josh would rather have been hit by a car than hear Leo say he was disappointed in him. But with Donna involved, it was a little easier to deal with. “Leo...if you feel you need to fire me, I understand, but I’m staying here.” 

Leo continued as if Josh hadn’t spoken. “But as a friend of your father’s, I have to say, I’m damn proud of you and if Noah was here today, he’d be proud of you too...” 

Josh blinked at him. “What...what did you say?” 

“You heard me,” Leo told him gruffly. “Which is good since I have no plans to repeat myself.” 

“Ah-kay,” Josh said, now feeling a little relieved. The two men were quiet for a moment as they both settled down. 

“Oh, Josh...about CJ,” Leo began. 

“Don’t go there, Leo.” So much for ‘cooling down.’ 

“Come on, Josh, she was just doing her job. I told her to get into it,” he said. “She feels terrible about how she handled it, why don’t you call and talk to her?” 

“I don’t care. She upset Donna and I won’t have that. Not when it could set back her recovery.” 

“Josh...you know you’re going to have to work with her eventually. It would help if you were able to actually speak to each other when you’re in the same room.” 

“I don’t know why no one can see my side of this quote, unquote, ‘media nightmare.’ I mean we’ve been through Sam and his call girl, a story which now tops my all time list of things I’d never like to hear mentioned again. Not to mention your checkered past with drugs and alcohol and the President’s MS disclosure. After all those things, we’re still here.” 

Josh drew in a breath like it was ammunition. “But suddenly the possibility that Donna and I have feelings for each other and might want to pursue a person relationship, is the biggest threat to the Office of the President since Nixon and Watergate! Donna has done nothing but serve me, the President and this administration with dedication and distinction. She saved my life at Christmas for god sakes, Leo!” He was on a roll now. “But when CJ compares Donna to a hooker, I’m not supposed to be outraged? How would you like it if CJ did that to Mallory? How would the President like it if she did it to Liz, Ellie or Zoey?!” 

Leo opened his mouth to make a denial. Then he closed it for a moment. “You’re right,” he finally said. 

Josh blinked in surprise and then frowned. “What?” 

“I said you’re right. I wouldn’t like it and neither would the President.” He paused. “But CJ really IS sorry and you’re going to have to make up with her eventually if you’re going to work with her.” 

“I know,” Josh stared back at him. “But I’m not done being mad yet.” 

Leo had to suppress a smile. “Okay, that’s fair.” He walked over to Josh and laid his hand on his shoulder. “Son, as much as it feels like we’re all trying to come between you and Donna, that’s just not true. I just don’t think we realized how much you’ve come to care for her.” 

“I do, you know. Care for her, I mean.” 

“I think you’ve made that fairly obvious,” he said with a little grin. “Now why don’t we get back to the ICU so we can check on our favorite blonde.” 

“Okay,” Josh said with a smirk as he pushed himself away from the wall. “Just don’t tell Sam you called Donna our favorite blonde. You know he’s getting pretty fond of Ainsley Hayes.” 

Leo suddenly had a fairly bizarre and rather disconcerting vision of some kind of ‘War of the Blondes’ between Josh and Donna and Sam and Ainsley. 

“God help us all,” Leo muttered with a sigh as they left the conference room and headed down the hall to the elevator. 

********** 

“Of course, I feel like a referee most of the time,” Abbey told Donna as she continued to talk about the girls. “Zoey wants to take a course called ‘TV and the Modern Nuclear Family,’ which as I recall, requires the student to study the first four seasons of ‘The Simpson’s’, while Jed wants her to take ‘Advanced Economics of Developing 3rd World Nations.’ 

Donna smiled, but was still mostly not listening. She was still stuck on ‘Josh got shot.’ Oddly, even though she’d been able to tune out Mrs. Bartlet, her mind focused right in on the sound of Josh’s footsteps as he approached her cubical. She knew his walk anywhere. 

“Hey,” he said from the end of her bed. “How you two doing?” 

Donna wished he was closer and not standing down by her feet. Being flat on the bed and the fact that trying to lift her head was quite the challenge, she could only see the top of his curly head and even for that she had to strain a bit. Knowing what she did now, she wanted to look at him and see if there had been some outward sign of his injury that she’d missed. 

“Hi Josh,” Abbey said with a smile. “I was just boring Donna silly with stories of my girls.” 

Donna didn’t want the First Lady to think she hadn’t been happy to see her. “No you weren’t, Abbey,” Donna said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more responsive, I guess I’m a little tired.” 

Abbey stood and looked down at her with a smile. “Perfectly understandable,” she said patting Donna’s shoulder with a motherly tenderness. “I’ll go and let you get some rest. But remember what I said...if you need anything just ask.” 

“I will,” Donna promised. “Thank you for coming to visit me.” 

“My pleasure.” Abbey replied with a smile, then she turned to Josh. “Well, it looks like you made it through your meeting in one piece. Are you and Leo done?” she asked turning to Josh. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Josh replied with a smile. “He’s waiting for you in the outer room.” 

“Okay. Bye Donna.” 

“Bye,” she called back as Mrs. Bartlet walked out of her cubical. 

“Hey there,” Josh said with a smile as he walked up next to her bed and looked down at her. “How’d it go?” 

Now that she could see him, Donna stared at him for a long moment. He looked fine. Could Mrs. Bartlet somehow have gotten her information wrong? 

“Donna?” Josh asked with a frown. 

“Oh, sorry. It went fine,” she replied. ‘Well, that is until Mrs. Bartlet told me you’d been shot,’ her mind added silently. 

Josh continued to frown at her. Something seemed off but he couldn’t put his finger on it. “You do look a little tired. Do you want to sleep for a while?” 

“I will...” Donna began, not quite knowing where to start. “But I want to talk to you about something first.” 

She took a long, slow breath to try and steady herself. She hadn’t been ready for her talk with CJ and hadn’t known that she had to try and stay calm. But during her visit with Mrs. Bartlet, she’d prepared herself for this talk with Josh and she felt she could keep herself in check enough not to send her body into orbit. The drugs they were giving her seemed to help with that too. 

Josh pulled up a chair and sat down. “Sure, of course, what do you want to talk about?” he asked, worried that something was bothering her. 

Taking another breath, she jumped into the pool. “I’d like you to tell me why I had to hear from Mrs. Bartlet that you got shot at the courthouse.” 

A deafening silence filled the cubical. 

‘It’s true,’ she thought. ‘The look on his face says it all, it’s true.’ 

‘Oh God,’ Josh thought as he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the bed rail. He’d almost begun to hope that this was never going to come up. Of course that was a pretty ridiculous idea because eventually she’d see something about it on the news or in the paper or she’d see the scar he was going to have on the back of his shoulder. 

His head felt like it weighed 100 pounds when he finally lifted it to face the look of hurt and confusion in her eyes. “She told you?” 

Donna looked at him and frowned. “That’s all you have to say? ‘She told you’?” She waited for an answer but he remained quiet. 

“Yes, she told me. It was an accident. She thought I already knew. In fact, I told her I already knew, so she wouldn’t feel bad for springing it on me.” Donna told him. Although her words had bite, there was no heat in them and her tone was steady and low. “So don’t you dare say anything to her about it or get mad at her.” 

How well she knew him. He’d just been working up to being angry at the First Lady. But if it had been an accident like she said, then there was really no one to blame but himself. 

“You need to stay calm,” Josh finally said. Worries for her health flashed through him. “Please...I’m sorry,” he begged. Josh would be devastated if HE was the one that caused her to have another episode. 

She knew he was right about her staying calm, so she took another in a long line of slow, steadying breaths. “I am calm,” she told him. “But you need to tell me why you didn’t tell me about it sooner.” 

“I didn’t...I don’t want to upset...” 

She couldn’t help but see the stricken look on his face, but she had to remain firm. She’d already decided to forgive him, but she wasn’t going to tell him that until she got the full story. 

“I’m going to be even more upset if you DON’T me, so why don’t we just do this right now?” she told him. “I’ve got nowhere to go and the rest of the day to listen. Now, why didn’t you tell me? ” 

“Because it was nothing!” he replied in a heated whisper as he stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets in frustration. “Because it was a graze and I needed some stitches and I knew you would worry and I wanted you to think about yourself and not me.” The words were tumbling out fast and furious. “I was trying to protect you, okay. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn’t think you needed anything else to worry about. I mean, you have to admit your plate’s kind of full in that department right now.” 

He let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “And...the truth is...the longer I didn’t tell you, the harder it got, because I knew that on top of you being worried about me, you’d be mad I hadn’t told you,” he’d said the last part almost sheepishly. 

It was really hard to stay angry with him when, in his mind, he’d only had her best interests at heart. “There now, see...it wasn’t so hard after all, was it?” 

He saw that the anger was gone from her eyes. “You’re not mad?” he asked in disbelief. 

“Oh, no, I’m still mad, but you’re forgiven,” she told him. 

He narrowed his gaze at her for a moment. “This is where you tell me that you’ll be extracting some kind of payment from me in the future for this, isn’t it?” 

“Yes, it is, Joshua,” she said with a sweet smile. “That was remarkably perceptive of you.” 

“Thanks, you’ve trained me well,” he said sarcastically as he flopped back down in the chair with relief that this was finally out in the open. 

“There’s something else that’s been bothering me. I seem to recall that you were wearing a hospital gown when I woke up. Would you please explain that?” She saw the little smile of relief, quickly degenerate back into the deer in the earlier deer-in-the-headlights look. “Josh...” she warned. “Don’t start holding out on me now.” 

“I...” he tried, but couldn’t quite make the rest of the words come out of his mouth. 

“You might as well tell me Josh, ‘cause you know I won’t leave it alone until you do.” 

‘Truer words were never spoken...’ he thought. “I sort of...well, the doctors kind of wanted...’ 

“Yes,” she prompted. 

“...to admit me overnight.” 

“What...why?” she demanded. 

He ran a hand through his hair. “I sort of...” 

“You said that already.” 

“Well, see, now don’t get excited, this is one of those things that sounds worse than it is...” 

“I’ll be the judge of that,” she told him. 

“Okay, well, the guys in the ER were pretty busy with you and the other victims and they didn’t realize that my shoulder was still kind of bleeding and...I ended up passing out in the waiting room of the ER.” 

“You passed out!” she said in a heated whisper. “You said it was nothing. You said it was a graze.” 

“Well, the doctor called it a deep graze...” 

“Josh!” 

“It was fine,” he said, trying to reassure her. “They stitched me up...” 

“It took stitches?!” 

Josh grimaced at her angry whisper. “Well, yeah, just 15 or 20 and the doctor wanted to keep me overnight to make sure I didn’t pass out again. You were in surgery most of the night so it wasn’t like I was going to leave the hospital anyway...” 

“I want to see it,” she demanded. 

“What?” he hadn’t expected that reaction at all. 

“I want to see it,” she repeated. 

“Donna...” he whined. 

“I...want...to...see...it. Does it have a bandage?” 

“Yes.” 

“Have you had it changed today?” 

He frowned. “Well, yes, they put a fresh dressing on it after I showered.” 

“Well, you’re getting another one,” she said, pushing her call button, which they’d left right where her hand could reach it. 

“But Donna it’s nothing.” 

“So you said, but I need to see it for myself,” Donna replied. “We’ll just call it part of that payment I’ll be extracting.” 

“Miss Moss, what can I do for you?” Nora asked efficiently as she walked into the cubical. 

“Nora, I need your help with Josh.” 

“Well, Lord knows the boy needs some help but I think it’s a little outside my field. But I’ll do what I can.” Nora told her. 

“He’s got a bandage on his shoulder that needs to be changed.” 

“Is that so?” she said pointedly. “Well, then I had better see to it,” Nora said as she walked over to the small supply cabinet and pulled out what she needed. “Off with your shirt, Mr. Lyman.” 

“Nora...” he began. “It’s nothing. I had the bandage changed earlier this morning.” 

“Yes, but not by me. I firmly believe that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. So I repeat, off with the shirt.” 

Josh looked at Donna pleadingly but she merely smiled back at him. Knowing when he was out manned, or out womanned, out gunned, and out maneuvered, he sighed and pulled off first his sweatshirt and then the t-shirt he had on underneath. 

“Nora, I want to see his wound before you cover it again,” Donna instructed. 

“Yes, ma’am,” she said turning Josh so his back was to Donna but he was still at the correct angle for her to change the large white bandage that they now saw on his back. 

More gently than he would have expected from Nora, Josh felt her peel away the bandage. 

“That’s quite the wound you have there, Mr. Lyman,” Nora said absently. “Whoever stitched you up did a fine job though, you probably won’t even have much of a scar and it’s healing nicely.” She paused and considered making a comment about the scars on his chest, but she took a little pity on him and didn’t mention them. “Miss Moss? Can you see okay?” 

“Yes,” Donna told her. “Well, it’s not nothing, Josh, but it doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would.” 

“Is it okay if I bandage it back up now, Miss Moss?” Nora asked. 

“Yes, Nora, thank you,” Donna replied. 

“You know, you could ask me. It is MY shoulder you’re talking about,” Josh told her. 

“You’ll do as you’re told, Mr. Lyman, and like it,” Nora replied as she gave a wink to Donna conspiratorially. 

Again with more gentleness than he would have expected, Nora began to clean and dress his stitches. “Did they give you any antibiotics for this shoulder?” Nora asked him. 

“Yes.” 

“They have?” Donna said. “When have you been taking them?” 

“When you’ve been asleep,” he answered. 

“Let me have the bottle,” Nora said. 

Josh closed his eyes and sighed. He felt like he was being given a mental strip search by the two of them, and not in a good way. He pulled the prescription bottle out of his pocket and handed it to her. 

“Okay, you can put your shirt back on, we’re all done,” Nora said as she read the label. She handed it back to him. “When was the last time you took one?” 

“When I had breakfast while you were checking her over a little while ago,” he told her. 

“Don’t worry, Miss Moss, I’ll leave a note for all the nurses to make sure he takes his pills on time.” 

“Thank you, Nora,” Donna said as the nurse walked back to the desk. “She’s a good nurse.” 

“Yeah, she’s a peach,” he said, dropping back down in the chair by her bed. He was suddenly exhausted. 

Donna watched him for a moment, her mind still trying to tie up loose ends. She also wanted to know if it was her fault. “How did it happen, Josh? How did you get shot?” she asked gently. It probably wouldn’t be easy for him to talk about. 

Carefully, so he didn’t hit his shoulder, Josh leaned back in the chair and let out a tired breath. Even a week later, the moments in the courtroom were too fresh. He didn’t know if he was quite ready to re-live them in full detail, but she deserved an answer. “It happened at the end...a ricochet, I think,” he sighed. “I was so worried about you, I didn’t even know I’d been grazed until Sam told me,” he said, begging her to understand. 

She did understand. His wound from Rosslyn was about as bad as it got. Anything else just paled in comparison, and from what she’d just seen, this wound really had been fairly minor. She looked at him. “Did you do what you promised? When the shooting started, did you not worry about me while remembering to duck?” 

He hung his head for a moment. “I...I don’t know,” he finally said raising up to look at her. 

Donna narrowed her gaze at him and saw that he was telling the truth. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” she asked quietly. 

“I...God, Donna...I can’t,” he hung his head again as he tried to control the pounding of his heart and only succeeded in being well on his way to hyperventilating. A trickle of cold sweat made its way down his back. 

Donna’s heart clenched when she saw how upset he was getting. It hadn’t occurred to her that maybe he hadn’t told her about being shot more out of a simple need to not talk about what happened in the courtroom after she passed out than from any real need to deceive her. She definitely needed to make sure that he saw Stanley...soon. 

“Josh...” she said, her voice was soft and kind, but firm. “Look at me.” It took him a moment but he finally did and their eyes met. In his gaze, she saw distress, a little panic and fear. The need to make sure he was okay pretty much shoved any anger she had about him not telling her he’d been shot, out of her system. She mentally cursed her inability to reach out and touch him. “Take my hand.” 

Almost automatically, almost like a child, his hand moved to hold hers. “I want you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth,” she instructed him. She’d read somewhere that was a good way to breathe deeply but not hyperventilate. “That’s good, Josh. Just breathe,” she told him as he began breathing a bit slower and he didn’t look quite so pale. “It’s okay, Josh...tell me what you can, when you can.” 

He gripped her hand. “I don’t know...because I don’t remember,” he admitted. Donna was silent in the hopes he would continue. 

“I...the last thing I remember was Ramon aiming the gun...at you.” Tears swam in his eyes as stumbled through the next part. “He was going to...I couldn’t...I wouldn’t let him...I grabbed you...held onto you...” 

Now tears filled Donna’s eyes as she got a pretty good idea what had happened. He’d tried to protect her and in the process he’d left himself open to being shot...grazed, whatever. It was hard to be annoyed that he hadn’t thought about his own safety when she was too busy being deeply, amazingly touched that he would put himself in harm’s way to protect her. Her tears got thicker when she wanted to hold him, to soothe him and she couldn’t. 

“Oh, God, Donna, please don’t cry,” he pleaded as his own tears spilled over and trailed down his face. 

“I can’t help it,” she said wetly. “I cry when people tell me things that touch me so completely, and I cry even harder when I want to hold someone and I can’t.” 

The fact that she’d just told him she wanted to hold him, warmed the cold place in his soul that their conversation had exposed. Continuing to hold her hand, he quickly rose from the chair, leaned over, put his free hand on her other shoulder and pressed his cheek to hers in the only embrace they could manage right then. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of time for the holding.” He whispered against her neck. 

“Promise?” she whispered back. 

“I promise,” he said, pulling back to look into her eyes. “Just as soon as I can gather you into my arms, I’m going to hold you and never let you go.” 

Once again, they found their faces were only inches apart. “I’d like that,” she whispered back. 

They stayed like that for a moment as their tears began to subside. Donna’s heart began to swell in her chest. The nearness of him, the smell and look of him, was the sweetest thing she’d ever known. She could think of no better reasons to get well. 

Like yesterday, Josh felt the air between them grow heated and he had the urge to kiss her. But again, he also knew this wasn’t the perfect moment for a kiss, a first kiss especially. They were both emotional, Donna was facing surgery tomorrow and an unknown future after that. 

And yet, in its own way, the moment was perfect simply because it was less than perfect. They were less than perfect people. Life, especially for them, was messy and fun, noisy and boisterous, frantic and never boring, hard work and, well...perfect in a less than perfect sort of way. 

Donna read the love in his eyes, felt the heat of his gaze, and saw the shadow of a question on his face. “Josh?” she whispered. 

“Hmmm?” 

“Kiss me...just like you were going to yesterday...just like that,” she whispered. 

All doubt vanished from his mind and as they had yesterday, his hands slid up to hold her face and his thumbs brushed at the wetness from her tears. He felt her breath catch as his mouth descended to hers. 

Their first kiss was gentle and loving and everything that each could have hoped for. It was almost like they’d been kissing each other for years and had never grown tired or bored with it. It was thorough, without being awkward...it was tender, without being tentative. As with everything else, they just seemed to...fit. 

It was almost like the completion of one journey, and the beginning of another, more intimate one. 

Josh slowly pulled back from her. “I’m sorry I waited four years to do that.” 

A contented, happy smile broke across her face. “You’re doing it now...that’s what counts.” 

His dimples jumped out as he grinned back at her. “And I plan to keep on doing it for a long, long time.” 

As he leaned in to kiss her again, Donna made a mental note to tell Ainsley that they were very lucky to be in love with two such amazing scout masters. 


	21. Trial by Fire 21

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 21**

Watching CNN on the waiting room TV or more accurately, staring at the waiting room TV without really seeing it, Josh was trying to zone out a bit as he waited for word of Donna and her surgery. 

As someone who didn’t handle waiting patiently well, the morning had been interminable for Josh. It had been made all the more difficult by the fact he’d been alone for nearly the entire time. No one from the White House had been able to get away to wait with him and even the other ICU visitors were either in with their loved ones or out getting something to eat as it was nearing 1 pm. 

“Mr. Lyman?” a voice said. 

Josh startled slightly at hearing his name. He turned and found Dr. Scott standing right next to him. “Oh, Dr. Scott,” he said with a couple of hard blinks. Then he suddenly jumped up as if someone had set his butt on fire. “I didn’t hear you come in.” 

“It’s no problem,” Dr. Scott smiled. The man in front of him looked exhausted. From what the nurses had told him he’d been right by Miss Moss’ side every possible minute he could, including something that barely resembled sleeping in a chair by her bed. He considered telling him to go home and get a decent night’s sleep, but he had a feeling it would be a waste of his breath. “Please, why don’t we sit down?” ‘Before you fall down,’ he mentally added as he settled himself into a chair and waited for Josh to do the same. 

“First, Miss Moss’ surgery went very, very well and she’s in recovery right now. We’ll keep her there for the next hour or two just to make sure all of her vital signs remain stable and then we’ll be bringing her back to the ICU.” He paused for a moment. “Second, I want to prepare you a bit for what comes next.” 

Josh nodded numbly. Why did he think this was not going to be a good thing? 

“She’s probably going to wake up in quite a bit of pain,” Dr. Scott began. 

Josh’s heart clenched at the thought of Donna suffering, but he tried to focus in on what Dr. Scott was saying. 

“Because of her intestinal injury and the need to stop her internal bleeding and remove the bullet, we did her first surgery from the front. However, since we needed to insert the steel rods, we did this surgery from the back. The incision...” 

Josh turned a decided shade of green. “Please don’t describe it...I don’t think my stomach can quite take it right now.” 

Dr. Scott looked at him. “Are you okay, Mr. Lyman?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said not very convincingly as he shoved down the nausea that threatened to rush over him. “I just...I have a thing...about blood and surgery.” He smiled a little and hoped it would be reassuring. “Never would have made it through medical school,” he tried to joke. 

Dr. Scott smiled back. “I understand. No problem. Let’s just say that, initially, Miss Moss is going to feel pain from what we did today as well as pain from her injury and her first surgery. Consequently, we’ll have her on a self-administering morphine drip. If everything goes well, in a couple of days, we’ll wean her off that for a more long term pain management solution and we’ll move her from the ICU and into a regular room.” 

Josh nodded. ‘Well, the fact that she would soon be moved to a regular room fairly soon was good news anyway,’ he thought. 

“We’ve fitted her with a new, slightly smaller body brace that will still allow us to put her in traction at night but will otherwise give her more freedom of movement.” He let out a breath. “But that doesn’t mean that she’ll actually be able to move her upper body on her own like normal. We had to cut through....” he saw Josh pale again and changed his words. “Well, let’s just say, the muscles and tendons in her back will be sore from the surgery and they’ll need a little time to regain their strength. Upper body strength is also something they’ll address during her physical therapy, but for now, it may be hard or painful for her to lift her arms or move her upper body.” 

Dr. Scott paused for a moment. “Mr. Lyman, as I’m sure you understand, today’s surgery was not a cure all. Yes, the rods will help stabilize and support her spine and the bone grafts will eventually make things stronger, but she still has a long road ahead of her. Even though she’s regaining feeling, actual movement and strength will take much longer.” 

“How long?” Josh asked him. 

“Well, I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this...but I’m just not sure. Most of it is going to depend on her. I’ve seen people with injuries like hers make what would seem like miraculous progress. Her desire and will to walk again will be a huge factor. Part of the equation will also include what progress we see in her left leg during the next few days. The quicker she regains feeling and some movement in both legs, the quicker we can get her into rehab. You see, Mr. Lyman, patients with her type of injury face two problems in their recovery. Not only do they have to work to get the signals flowing through the spinal cord again, they have to fight the fact that the muscles can atrophy or weaken from not being used while they were paralyzed. She will literally have to learn to walk all over again.” 

Josh took a breath and nodded. The scope of what Donna was going to have to do to walk again was a staggering thing. 

“Please, I’m not trying to give you a gloom and doom scenario here,” Dr. Scott assured him. “Just the opposite, in fact, she really has made tremendous progress so far and I have every confidence she’ll walk again, especially if her left leg comes back like I think it will. I’m just trying to prepare you for the fact that it may take some time and that even after rehab she may experience some lingering weakness, pain or get tired easily for the rest of her life,” he said as he rose and stood next to Josh. 

“Oh, I also can’t underscore enough the fact that a patient’s support system in cases like this can do wonders. You and her other friends and family can make a huge difference in her recovery and rehab just in your encouragement and by giving her something to get better for.” 

“I understand, Dr. Scott,” Josh told him as he reached out to shake the doctor’s hand. “I appreciate your honesty, and thank you for everything you’ve done for her.” 

“Well, it’s been my pleasure. It’s cases like hers that make my job worthwhile. I look forward to following her progress,” he said with a smile as they shook hands. “Now, I’ve got to get going. One of the nurses will let you know when they’ve brought her down from recovery and gotten her settled in the ICU.” 

“Thanks,” Josh said as Dr. Scott walked out of the waiting room. For a moment, he stood in the middle of the waiting room, tired and still a little worried but overall relieved that Donna had made it through the surgery and was, by all indications, going to be okay. Eventually, anyway. 

Finally he let out a long breath and took a long, hard stretch. Boy, he was tired. Of course, his fatigue might also have something to do with the fact that before they’d taken Donna away for her surgery earlier that morning, he’d spent the second, almost sleepless night in a row watching over her. 

‘I should probably give Sam a call,’ he thought. The meeting with the Speaker should have been over by then and Josh had promised to give Sam an update on Donna once he had any news. Given the fact that he had some time to kill before they brought Donna back down, also meant that he’d have a chance to ask Sam how the meeting went. 

Reaching into his pocket for his phone, the hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood up and although he had no idea why, something told him to look up. 

There, standing just inside the waiting room was Freddie Garcia. He was a little blurry, or maybe ‘fuzzy’ was a better description. ‘Boy, I must be more tired than I realized,’ Josh thought. ‘Even my eyes are going.’ He rubbed at them and tried again. 

This time Garcia’s image seemed to come into focus a bit more, as did the image of the two deputies that stood behind him, blocking any potential escape route into the corridor. Not that Garcia looked like he was going to try and escape. In fact, Josh noted, Garcia looked...resigned, a far cry from the man he remembered in the courtroom. 

He also looked a hell of a lot better than Josh would have expected after hearing Sam’s description of his injuries. Sam had said he’d been shot 4 times, including once in the head but Josh didn’t see any bandages. He was still wearing a hospital gown, but oddly he was standing rather than sitting in a wheelchair, wasn’t wearing any kind of shoes, and he didn’t seem to be handcuffed, all of which Josh found strange. Sam had also said Garcia was in a coma and they didn’t think he was going to make it, but here he was, apparently well enough to be walking around and transferred to a prison ward. 

At that point, Josh was too tired to work up much of a reaction to seeing him and even if he hadn’t been too tired, he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about Garcia. On the one hand, he hated him for shooting Donna, even though it had been an accident, but on the other, he felt at least a little gratitude for the fact that Sam had told him Garcia had stopped Martinez from shooting him and Donna. In any case, Josh was kind of curious to see what Garcia had to say. 

“What are you doing here?” Josh asked. 

Garcia looked at him for a long moment. “We were on our way out, but I asked if they would let me speak to you first,” Garcia said indicating the deputies. “Kind of a last request.” 

“I sincerely doubt that I’d be interested in anything you have to say,” Josh snapped. Okay, so he could work up a little bit of anger. 

Garcia smiled almost...sadly. “I can understand that, but please I’d just like a few minutes of your time and then you’ll never hear from me again.” 

It was hard for Josh to keep the sound of gloating out of his voice. “Well, I plan to be sitting front row at your trial.” 

Strangely, Garcia smiled at that, but it wasn’t smug or joyful or even amused. Again Josh thought he just looked...sad. “Yes, my trial, right,” Garcia told him quietly. 

Josh couldn’t help but see that any trace of bravado and arrogance were gone. He waited for Garcia to say something more, but he remained silent and Josh had the weird impression that he was waiting for Josh to give him permission to speak. 

He was quickly losing patience with Garcia. “Okay then, go ahead, say what you came to say.” 

Garcia nodded. “I know this doesn’t change anything and I already said this to you in the courtroom, but I really am sorry for shooting her. I fully admit that I meant to shoot the deputies, but no one was more surprised than I was when she pushed the second deputy out of the way and took the bullet meant for him. I didn’t know that there were still people in the world like that,” he said with a little wonder in his voice. “People that would sacrifice themselves to save someone that was basically no more than a stranger to them. I really feel terrible.” 

Anger flowed over Josh in a churning wave and his stomach clenched painfully. “That’s not going to help her walk again!” he yelled. Okay, so maybe he could work up MORE than a little anger. 

“I know, I know,” Garcia agreed. “Honestly, I’d give anything to take it back.” 

“Well, that makes it all better, doesn’t it?! That takes away all the pain she’s had to endure and will have to endure!” he spat. Now his clenched stomach was joined by a clenched fist. It was all he could do not to plant that fist in Garcia’s face. 

The look of overwhelming sadness continued to hang over Garcia like a shroud. “I’m sorry, I know there’s nothing I can do to make it right,” he said quietly. 

“No, you’re right. There isn’t!” Josh agreed vehemently. His breathing, still hard and a little fast from the anger, thudded through his ears. 

Then the fight just seemed to go out of him. He’d meant it when he’d told Sam he had more important things to do with his time than be mad at Garcia. He let out a breath and the anger seemed to leave him as quickly as it had arrived. Even his fist began to unclench slowly. 

“But I’ve been told that you also saved her and me from getting shot by Martinez...so that’s a start on making it right,” he told Garcia with quiet honesty. “I guess I have you to thank for her being alive at all.” 

Garcia looked at him and this time there was surprise in his eyes. “Thank you,” he replied simply. For a moment, he didn’t seem quite so sad, as if Josh’s words had briefly lightened a weight from his soul somehow. Briefly, his eyes got a faraway look in them, then he focused back in on Josh. “You’re very lucky to have each other. Some people go through their whole lives and don’t find what you have with her. Hold onto her.” 

Josh frowned. “What...?” 

“She’s going to walk again,” Garcia blurted softly with an odd look in his eye. The striking thing was that he’d said it with complete conviction. “And someday, if you don’t let her slip away, she’ll walk down the aisle to you and you’ll feel like the luckiest man in the world.” 

“How...?” Josh frowned harder. “What are you talking about? I’m not going to let her slip away. Why would you say...?” 

“You’ll have to work out some things before you both get there,” Garcia said enigmatically. “She’ll get scared. She’s strong and she’ll try to make you think she doesn’t need you, but she does. She’s stronger with you than without you. Don’t forget that.” 

“But...” Josh began. He didn’t know what to say to that. 

After standing almost like complete statues, the deputies shifted behind him slightly. “We have to go,” Garcia told him. “Thank you for letting me say my piece.” 

“Wait...” Josh said taking a step forward. 

Garcia smiled again, the sadness having returned to his expression. “Sorry, man, it’s like that old saying, ‘Time and tide wait for no man’ and my time is up.” One deputy moved out into the corridor and Garcia started to follow him, then paused. “Remember what I said. Don’t give up on her and don’t let her get away.” With that, he turned and walked out into the corridor with the deputies. 

Josh continued to stand there for a moment with a confused frown on his face. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up again and the strangest feeling came over him. He blinked hard. The only way he could describe the feeling was to say it felt almost like he’d just woken up from a dream. He rushed out into the corridor. 

“Please...wait...” The words died on his lips. 

Except for a lone candy striper at the far end of the long corridor, it was empty. 

‘They couldn’t have gotten that far in the five seconds I waited to follow them,” he thought. Where could they have gone? 

********** 

Sam walked downstairs with a little spring in his step and a present clutched in his hand. The meeting with the speaker had gone well. Of course, it would have been better if Josh had been there since he knew the material better, but Sam felt like he’d held his own and didn’t get himself or the White House in any hot water. 

Of course, the main reason he had a spring in his step was because he was going down to see Ainsley. He smiled a little as he remembered Josh always sauntering past Donna’s desk yelling about ‘drinking from the keg of glory’ when things had gone particularly well. Sam decided it was definitely more fun to celebrate when you had someone to saunter for and drink from the keg of glory with. 

Speaking of Josh, he hadn’t heard from him since they’d talked early that morning. Donna should have been done with her surgery and Josh promised to call when he had some news. But if Josh was faced with the choice of getting to see Donna or calling him, Sam knew Donna would win in a heartbeat, and in Sam’s mind, rightly so. Sam made a mental note to try and call Josh when he got done talking to Ainsley. 

The door at the top of the stairs leading into the steam pipe trunk distribution venue stood open and Sam could hear the soft notes of classical music floating up from Ainsley’s office. Even though it wasn’t “Air on a G String’ it still made him smile as he started down the stairs. 

Although he hadn’t been trying to be quiet or anything, between the music and the fact that she seemed to be really concentrating on what she working on, Ainsley didn’t look up as he stood in the doorway. Not that he was complaining, he enjoyed the opportunity to watch her for a moment. 

For once, her office was a comfortable temperature and didn’t feel like a sauna. Her head was bent over a thick book she was reading intently and every few moments, she made notes to herself on a large yellow legal pad. Sam had to stifle a laugh when he saw that she had two yellow pencils stuck through the neat bun on the top of her head. 

‘She is just so cute,’ he thought. Cute, tough and determined. Kind of like Tinkerbelle with attitude. Not that he would ever say that out loud. He liked his body parts where they were, thank you very much. He thought about trying to sneak up and surprise her, but that didn’t seem like a very nice thing to do. Although she’d never said anything, Sam imagined this office, being isolated and in the bowels of the building like it was, had to be at least a little creepy. It would be to him anyway. That’s probably why she liked to play music. 

“So they told me this is where I go to get my pants pressed,” he told her from the doorway as he held the present for her behind his back. 

At the sound of his voice, she looked up and saw him standing in the doorway. He looked his usual cool and confident self, with just that tiny under layer of reformed bad boy. Oh, he could be a little innocent, a little naive, a little goofy but the bad boy lingered there in the back. She wondered if he’d been a trouble maker when he was young. It was the devil black hair and the angelic cool blue eyes, she decided. Once they zeroed in on you, they could make any girl...any woman, want to melt into a puddle. Although he was more ‘pretty’ than handsome and more than a little fastidious about his grooming habits, Ainsley didn’t know how anyone who knew Sam could think he was gay. To her, everything about him screamed heterosexual. With a little grin, she leaned back in her chair and regarded him for a moment. 

“I only press pants on every third Tuesday of the month,” she replied. “But if you really wanted to take your pants off now, I wouldn’t mind or anything.” 

He sauntered slowly toward her desk. “Would I get them back before I leave? ‘Cause the last time I showed up in the Communications bullpen without pants on, Toby didn’t speak to me for a week. That’s not a deal breaker mind you...sometimes Toby not speaking to me is a good thing.” 

Cocking her head, she gave him a look that was best described as an amused frown. “Wait, you were in the bullpen without pants on?” How had she not heard this story? 

“Now that you mention it, I wasn’t wearing pants, a shirt or my jacket. It’s kind of long story. It involved Margaret, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an open bottle of cranberry juice.” 

Ainsley made a mental note to buy Margaret lunch and get the full details out of her. “So what exactly were you wearing?” she inquired as she tried to picture completely naked Sam. It was quickly becoming her favorite new past time. She’d already seen his chest which was impressive to say the least, the man was definitely chiseled and well-built, but the rest had to be left up to her imagination. Well...not exactly all of it. From the bulge she’d felt through his pants two nights ago, he was pretty impressive in at least one other area. 

“Boxers...” he told her with a grin as he perched on the corner of her desk and tried not to blush at the steamy look she was giving him. “...And a bathrobe out of the women’s locker room.” 

“Oh...? And how exactly were you able to get the bathrobe from the women’s locker room?” she said in a voice gone soft and suggestive. 

“You mean you didn’t know I go in there all the time?” he teased. “Truth is that Margaret was carrying a tray of food and didn’t see me and managed to spill it all over me. She got me a robe and told me take my clothes off...” 

“And to think that’s all it took,” Ainsley put in. “If I’d known that, I would have spilled food on you a long time ago.” 

Sam loved the way they flirted with each other now that they were an item or together or whatever they were going to call it. In the week since the thing at the courthouse, they’d begun to explore each other beyond kissing, but hadn’t gotten as far as sex. Although Sam definitely wanted to go there with her, he didn’t mind if they waited a bit. They were still having fun, and at the very least he’d discovered that, in his humble opinion, Ainsley had just about the most perfect breasts he’d ever seen. 

“Actually for you,” he said, dropping his voice suggestively. “No food is required, all you have to do is ask.” 

When his voice got like that, all she wanted to do was throw herself at him. “I’ll remember that,” she said with a soft, sweet smile. 

“Anyway...,” Sam continued. “She told me she’d send my clothes over to a one hour dry cleaner that Donna found for Josh and I could wear the robe in the mean time.” 

“Hmmm. A likely story,” she teased. “I think you just like taking your clothes off for Margaret, I may have to be jealous.” 

“Okay, Ains, there are just way too many things wrong with that statement.” 

She laughed. “So you were just kidding about Toby not speaking to you?” 

“Oh, no, I was serious about Toby,” Sam replied. “He took one look at me in the white bathrobe, told me I was not allowed to speak to him for a whole week and went into his office and slammed the door.” 

“Sounds like Toby,” she replied with a grin. 

“So, Samuel, what brings you down into the bowels of the building?” 

“You, of course, and the fact that I brought you something.” 

“Really!” she said excitedly. “What is it?” 

He loved the way she lit up when he brought her a present, no matter how small. “Before I do, I need you to do something for me.” 

She eyed him a little suspiciously. “And what would that be?” 

“Well, as I recall I haven’t had a kiss from you today. So we’ll call it a trade. A kiss for your present.” 

Ainsley stood and moved to stand in front of him, her expression serious. “You don’t have to bring me something to get a kiss, Sam,” she whispered softly. 

Leaning in, she captured his mouth with hers. They’d developed a distinctly pleasurable rhythm to their kisses. Although they varied given the moment or the emotions, whether it be playful or serious, they were always a tango, a give and take between them. One giving the other what they wanted and needed, and getting the same in return. Sam’s mouth was firm, but not hard under hers and he seemed to always know the right moment to slowly, tease her mouth open and slide his tongue in to taste her. 

A few day’s earlier, she’d told Donna that Sam was one of the top two kissers of all time, but the more she kissed him, the more she saw that he wasn’t in the top two. He was the BEST kisser. After a couple of stirring, heated minutes they both pulled back. 

“See, all you have to do is ask,” she said, her breath still slightly quickened from kissing him. 

“Does that mean you don’t want your present?” he asked with a grin after he’d had a moment to catch his breath. 

“Nope, hand it over,” she said, holding out her hand. 

He lifted the paper bag and set it in her hand. “Here you go.” 

“Did you bring me lunch again?” She said with a happy smile, as if it were the nicest, most wonderful thing in the world. 

“Indeed I did,” he replied with a grin, which she promptly wiped off his face by giving him a quick, hard kiss that sent a jolt up his spine. 

“You really are the sweetest,” she said plopping back down in her chair and opening the bag. “I ate my lunch about 3 hours ago and was just thinking how hungry I was.” 

“I figured,” he teased once he’d regained the power of speech after her quick kiss. 

She began laying things on the desk. “A granny smith apple...turkey sandwich... Snickers bar, and...oh, Sam, you brought me Fresca!” she said pulling the can out like it was gold nugget. Setting the can down on her desk, she stood and threw her arms around him in a hug. “Thank you for going to so much trouble.” 

Burying his face against her neck, he drew in a lungful of her scent. He could only describe it as ‘spicy peach’ which seemed to fit her perfectly. “For you, it was no trouble,” he said, hugging her back. 

Okay, so he’d had to go to three grocery stores to find Fresca. Not to mention that under his desk was a box he’d secretly dubbed the “Feed Ainsley” box that contained paper bags, napkins, apples, granola bars, and Snickers bars. Then, of course, there was the fact that he had to stop by the mess to get her a different sandwich each time. Despite all that, he really did love the way she lit up when he brought her something, so in his mind, it really wasn’t any trouble. 

“Well, thanks,” she said releasing him and sitting back down in her chair. She popped the top on the Fresca, took a long drink, and then sighed in delight. 

Sam grinned. “You’re welcome. Oh, by the way, just so you know, I stocked some Fresca in the little fridge in my office, so if you ever want one, just help yourself. I know they don’t have it in the mess.” 

Ainsley looked at him for a moment. He really was very considerate. “Thanks, I’ll remember that,” she said softly as she started to unwrap the turkey sandwich. “So have you heard anything about Donna? Her surgery should be over by now shouldn’t it?” 

“Yes, it should be done but I haven’t heard from Josh yet. If he doesn’t call in the next half hour or so, I’m going to give him a call,” Sam replied. 

Ainsley picked up half of the sandwich and handed it to him. “I figured you probably haven’t had lunch yet.” 

Sam was touched by offering. He was pretty sure that getting Ainsley to voluntarily give up food was quite the accomplishment. “No, I haven’t, thanks,” he said, using the voice that made her want to throw herself at him. 

In light of his thanks, Ainsley smiled at him a bit shyly. “Well, when you hear something about Donna, let me know.” 

“I will,” he said taking a bite of the sandwich. They sat in a companionable silence for a moment as they both chewed. 

“Oh, did I tell you my interesting news?” Ainsley asked after taking a drink of her soda. 

“No, what news?” 

“Babbish is trying to find me an office upstairs,” she beamed. “He came down here to see me yesterday and told me what a good job I was doing and that he thought it was time I got a real office.” 

“Really? That’s terrific,” he told her. “You have been doing a good job, great even, but that doesn’t sound much like Babbish. He’s usually pretty skimpy on praise or humor.” 

Ainsley grinned. “Yeah, I think he forgot to take his grumpy pills yesterday. Hey, I’m just thankful he doesn’t carry around a cricket bat and scream at the top of his lungs every five minutes like Lionel Tribbey did.” They both laughed. “Besides, if it gets me a decent office that has actual windows and sunlight and isn’t warm and moist enough to grow tropical plants in most of the time, then who am I to argue?” 

“Did he say anything about a promotion to go with the office?” he asked taking another bite of the sandwich. 

“A promotion?” she asked with a little frown. “No...he didn’t, why do you ask?” 

Sam finished chewing and swallowed. “Well, you’ve been here for over a year. You really have been doing a great job, I mean you’re always helping Leo, Josh and me with one project or another. Then you’ve got all your regular duties in the counsel’s office on top of that. The least Babbish could do is give you a raise and a promotion to go along with a better office.” 

“Sounds like you’re my agent or something.” 

“Now that you mention it, I was thinking about becoming a talent agent after we’re out of the White House. You could be my first client.” 

“How much do you charge?” she joked. 

He wiped his mouth with a napkin she’d handed him. “Ah, for you, I’ll work cheap. I’ll just work for kisses.” 

“Well, if that’s the case then I want an exclusive arrangement. I don’t want you kissing your other clients.” 

His expression turning serious, he looked at her for a long moment. Although they had been kidding, somewhere it had turned into something deeper. “I’d be open to an exclusive arrangement,” he replied softly. 

“I’d like that,” she said equally softly. Then she grinned. “So if you’re not going to be an agent until after you’re done in the White House, does that mean you won’t put in a good word for me with Babbish NOW?” They both knew she was joking, it was no secret they’d started seeing each other and they knew anything that smacked of favoritism or nepotism would be bad. 

“God, no, I’m scared of Babbish, well, not as scared as I was of Lionel Tribbey or, you know, Toby, but still...” he said with a grin as he took the last bite of his sandwich. 

Smiling, she laid her hand on his arm. “Well, it’s better that you don’t anyway. I want to get there on my own.” 

He patted her hand. “I know you do.” 

“But I appreciate the nice things you said.” 

“I meant them,” he told her sincerely. 

“I know you did,” she replied. They looked at each other, as a nice moment passed between them. 

Sam was the one to finally break the silence. “Although, there is something to be said for the good old ‘steam pipe distribution venue.’ It does, after all, have its perks.” 

Ainsley looked at him in amusement. “This should be good. Care to share what those perks are?” 

He stood up and looked around the room. “Well, it does have character, especially after you decorated it so stylishly...” 

“Well, it was either that or look at the bare, rusting pipes and cement floor,” she shot back. 

“You’ve got a lot of room...” 

“Yes, room that keeps getting filled up with storage boxes that mysteriously appear the minute my back is turned. I swear, Sam, I think they’re spawning or something.” 

Sam grinned at her comment. “You don’t have people traipsing through all the time...” 

“Because I’m in the furthermost corner of the White House,” she pointed out. “If I was any farther away I’d be in the basement of the OEOB, actually I think I AM in the basement of the OEOB.” 

“It’s a distinct possibility,” he agreed then turned to look at her. “Wait, I almost forgot my favorite perk of all.” 

Ainsley saw the look in his eye and gave him a suspicious look. “And what would that be?” 

“It’s very...secluded here. In fact, I bet if we checked, your office is just about the most secluded office in the White House...or the OEOB, whichever you’d prefer.” 

She knew where he was going, but decided to let him proceed anyway. “It is secluded, I’ll give you that, but just what good does that do me?” 

“Well...” he began moving back over to her. “One good thing about it is the fact that if I wanted to come down here and kiss you, then no one is likely to see us.” 

Ainsley had to take a second to find her voice. “Go on.” 

He stopped right in front of her and pulled her gently out of her chair so he could put his arms around her. “And...if after I was done kissing you...” he said as his gaze flicked between the blue depths of her eyes and her kissable mouth. “...I wanted to clear off your desk and find out what makes you scream my name, the seclusion aspect would work for that too.” 

‘Lord, it’s hot in here,’ Ainsley thought. She hoped it was because of Sam and not because the room’s thermostat had gone on the fritz again. She was pretty sure Sam was a safe bet for this one. It was really unlike her, but she was tempted, so very tempted, to let him find out what made her scream right then and there. 

She swallowed again and paused long enough that some blood finally started flowing back to her brain. One of them had to think with something above the waist. This was bad boy Sam and wow, did she like him. “That’s what I thought that time I sat in paint and was wearing a bathrobe and dancing and singing down here and the President showed up,” she said, a little shakily. “With our luck, the minute we tried what you suggested, it would be the one time someone walked in on us.” 

Sam didn’t even bat an eyelash. He loved seeing the way her eyes had dilated into huge blue pools. He’d always been a little clumsy with women when it came to seduction. Women tended to see him as the cute little boy they wanted to mother, but with Ainsley it was all heat and the words just seemed to flow out of him. 

His lips hovered near hers. “Ah, yes, but the bigger question would be, would it be worth it?” 

Feeling a little wicked now, Ainsley decided to turn the tables a bit. “I have no doubt it would be worth it,” she told him silkily. “But if it’s all the same to you, I’d just as soon you found out what makes me scream your name at my loft or your apartment and not in my office at the White House. How do you feel about tonight?” 

With that she stood up on tiptoe and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. That only turned him on more and not less. 

“And since I’ve dashed your fantasy about office sex, I’ll even let you pick the place,” she told him innocently. “Oh, and of course, before our time is over, I expect you to let me do whatever I need to do to find out what makes YOU scream MY name.” 

Sam swallowed. His pants had suddenly gotten a little uncomfortable. “Tonight is...” 

“Miss Hayes...?” a voice said from behind them. They both looked up in surprise. 

“Yes?” Ainsley said, politely greeting the visitor. ‘We’re going to have to start closing, if not locking, the door when we’re down here,’ she thought. 

“Here are those files you asked for,” the young female intern said handing Ainsley a two inch stack of folders. 

“Thank you, Gretchen,” Ainsley replied taking the files from her. 

“You’re welcome,” she replied. She clearly sensed there was some kind of vibe going on with these two and she made a quick exit. 

Once she was gone, both Sam and Ainsley started laughing. 

“See what I mean?” Ainsley said gesturing to the door. 

“Yeah,” he said ruefully. “I guess us having sex on your desk isn’t the best idea.” He looked at her. “But as I started to say, tonight sounds like it would be perfect. Unless something comes up with Donna and she or Josh needs me at the hospital.” 

She smiled. “That’s fair. If all goes well, how about 7 at my place? I’ll even cook.” 

“You cook?” Sam asked with mock surprise. 

“Sam, do you think for one moment that anyone with an appetite like mine wouldn’t be at least a passable cook?” Before he could answer or make a smart remark, she went on. “But just for the record, I happen to be a great cook.” 

He smiled. “Okay, 7 it is.” 

“Now...” she began as she sat back down in her chair. “Since ‘steam pipe trunk distribution venue’ sex is out, why don’t you tell me about your meeting this morning with the Speaker.” 

“You sure know how to dump a cold bucket of water on me,” he told her with a grin. “Actually there isn’t much to tell. I think I handled it well in Josh’s place. The Speaker had a couple of concerns over tax cuts and agriculture subsidies but I think we both left the meeting feeling confident we got what we came for.” 

“I’m glad to hear it went well,” she replied sorting out some of the files Gretchen had brought her. 

“I didn’t burn the building down and I don’t think I pissed off the Speaker,” Sam continued. “For me, that’s a good meeting.” 

“Feeling pretty good about yourself there, aren’t you, Sam?” she teased. 

“That’s not a very supportive girlfriend type thing for you to say,” he teased back. 

She flipped through one of the files. “That’s because I wasn’t playing the role of girl friend right then. I’d switched over to the blonde, Republican, sex kitten lawyer who works in the White House counsel’s office.” She looked up and patted him on the arm. “You really have to learn to keep up, Sam,” she whispered before going back to the files. 

Sam blinked and a smirk appeared on his face. “Will my blonde, Republican, sex kitten ‘girlfriend’ be making a repeat appearance anytime soon?” 

“Of course, Sam,” she assured him. “You’re having dinner and sex with her tonight at seven.” 

“Right,” he grinned. He was going to have sex tonight...with Ainsley. Talk about something to look forward to. “Well, I better head back upstairs. But can I at least see my girlfriend long enough to give her a kiss before I go?” 

Ainsley looked up at him and grinned. “Hi, Sam, I’m back.” 

Sam leaned in and gave her a gentle but thorough kiss. “Now rest up for tonight,” he told his ‘girlfriend.’ 

“I will,” she said with a laugh. “Oh, bring something for dessert. I’m thinking cheesecake.” 

“I thought you were dessert?” 

“Sam...don’t you go getting me all hot and bothered again. Ainsley’s got work to do and she can’t get it done if you’ve got our hormones flying all over the place.” 

He held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, cheesecake it is,” he said walking to the door as she went back to looking through the files. Then he remembered the other thing he wanted to ask her about. 

“Oh, Ainsley, there was another work-related thing I wanted ask you about,” he said seriously. “But if you need to work on those files we can talk about it later.” 

She looked up at him. “No, I’ve got a few more minutes, we can talk about it now,” she said closing the file. 

“Well, I was going to ask if you’d give me some help with something the President asked Josh and me to work on.” 

“Sure, what is it?” 

“Well, he’s been trying to pass workable gun control legislation ever since Rosslyn, but Congress has been dragging its feet.” 

‘Oh, no,’ Ainsley thought as she felt her heart drop into her stomach. ‘I thought we’d have more time before something like this came up.’ 

Sam, not noticing the odd look that came over Ainsley’s face, continued. “And now with the courthouse shooting he thinks it might be the right time to try and light a fire under them.” 

“How...what can I do?” Ainsley managed. 

“Well, I know your stance on gun control but after what happened at the courthouse with you being there and all, I was hoping that you’d help me write some language that might help get Congress, and by Congress I mean the Republicans, on board with the President’s plan.” He frowned when Ainsley didn’t respond. “Ainsley?” 

“I can’t, Sam,” she told him quietly. 

“What...? Why not?” 

“Because I don’t agree with the President’s gun control policy.” 

“But...Ainsley...I thought...after what you saw at the courthouse...” Sam stammered. Sam was taken completely by surprise at this turn of events. 

“Look, Sam, I don’t deny what I saw at the courthouse was terrible, I know it was.” 

“Then why...?” 

“Because you were the one who told me that the guns that Garcia and his men used at the courthouse were obtained legally, just like they were at Rosslyn. And nothing in the President’s plan changes that...nor does it do anything to address gun purchases at gun shows and private sales, which don’t require waiting periods and except for a few fairly weak state laws often don’t even require background checks.” 

“You’re right, it doesn’t and do you know why?” Sam demanded. “Because we can’t get provisions like that past the gun lobby and the Republicans!” 

“I know...and I think they’re wrong about that,” she conceded. “But that doesn’t change the fact that those aren’t the only problems I have with the President’s plan.” 

“Well, give me the rest.” 

“First of all, his plan seeks to reinstate the Federally mandated 7-day waiting period enacted under the Brady Bill but phased out in 1998.” 

Sam frowned. “What the hell’s wrong with...” 

“Because 18 states already have laws in place that require waiting periods from 2 days to 30 days. By the way, New Hampshire, a New England state, does require a background check, but no waiting period and you don’t need a permit to carry. However, my home state of North Carolina, a southern, largely Republican state, requires a background check, a waiting period of up to 30 days to acquire a permit to purchase a gun and you need permit to carry.” She took a breath. 

“So on the one hand, a Federally mandated 7-day waiting period would strengthen some laws in some states, it would weaken laws in others. But on the other hand, there’s some debate over whether or not a waiting period even has a marked effect on who buys guns. In fact, one study I read said that it could actually increase the sale of illegal guns by making it harder for people to buy them legally.” 

Sam couldn’t believe what she was saying. “That’s ludicrous....!” 

Ainsley was on a roll. “Then there’s the fact that the plan targets mostly newer automatic and semi-automatic hand guns not already covered under the Brady Bill...” 

“Yes, it does,” he agreed. “The manufacturers came up with the bright idea of making new guns that are just slightly different and outside the parameters outlined in the Brady Bill! So explain to me why it’s a bad idea to get them off the streets?” 

“It’s not a bad idea but in the end it won’t cover that many guns,” she argued. 

“Even one is too many!” he snapped angrily. “If we can get even one gun that someone might use to harm kids or their neighbors or use during the commission of a crime, off the streets, then I’m all for it!” 

“But Sam, the plan doesn’t extend to the weapons that can really do the most damage...the assault weapons that were covered under the now expired Federal Assault Weapons Act.” 

“YES!!! And again, I say who do we have to thank for letting it expire?! The President pushed the Republican held Congress to renew it and they didn’t!” 

“I don’t deny that, but what I’m saying is that’s still a weakness in the President’s plan,” she told him. Right about then she was feeling pretty sick at the way this conversation was turning out. 

“What about the provision for stricter penalties clause? You can’t have a problem with that.” 

“I can and I do.” she replied. 

“What’s wrong with imposing stricter penalties for people who use guns during a crime?” he demanded. 

“There’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s a stack of good, solid laws on the books, both at the state and Federal level, that already impose additional penalties for the use of a firearm during the commission of a crime, so why do we need another one?” 

“Because if just one guy, a guy who would have slipped under whatever statutes are on the books for one of the other laws, has to sit his ass in jail longer for shooting up his family or a school yard or a high school dance or a crowded shopping mall, then I say it was worth it!” He couldn’t understand why this wasn’t obvious to her. 

“Don’t you think that it’s going to look like the President is trying to take advantage of the shooting?” 

“The President IS trying to take advantage of the shooting! We can’t seem to light a fire under Congress with anything less!” Sam was trying but failing pretty miserably to get a hold of his temper. 

“Honestly, Ainsley, I know that you grew up around guns, but guns have hurt this administration time and again. First Rosslyn and now this thing at the courthouse!” he said angrily. “How can you sit there and think that we shouldn’t do anything and everything we can to make a difference?!” he demanded. 

“The thing is, Sam,” she said gently as she managed to keep her voice level. “I agree that we should do everything we can to make a difference. The problem is that you and I, or maybe more accurately, the President and I, don’t agree on how to go about doing that.” 

“It’s not a perfect plan! I know that!” he yelled. “But it’s what we have and it’s what has the best chance of getting passed through a REPUBLICAN Congress!” 

Ainsley felt like part of her was being ripped apart. “That doesn’t make it a good policy,” she said quietly. “Just because it CAN be passed, doesn’t mean it SHOULD be passed. 

She took a breath and waited for him to jump in, but he didn’t. He just kept looking at her with a stunned and almost...wounded expression. It broke her heart to see him look at her like that, like she was someone he’d never seen before, especially when just a few short minutes ago, he’d looked at her so very differently. 

Ainsley knew this was a hot button subject for him and looking at things from his point of view, she could even understand it, but she just couldn’t agree with it. She felt her eyes sting with unshed tears and she willed herself not to cry. The two of them had come so far, and now, because they couldn’t bridge the apparent chasm that divided them over this issue, it was going to disappear right in front of her. 

Her next words were not meant to hurt, but to let him know that she was sorry and she did care and that in many ways, she understood how he felt and how important this issue was to him. 

“I know how guns have hurt this administration and no one has more of a right than this administration to address that in the way they see fit, but Sam, more importantly, I’ve seen how guns have hurt you, hurt you personally,” she said, her voice still gentle. “How you’ve had to witness people that you care about...” 

The words rolled through him like a searing fire and he looked at the ceiling and tried not to let her see that she’d hit pretty close to the mark. “God, Ainsley, please don’t go there,” he begged. “Not now, I...I just can’t.” 

She decided to let it go, he needed to deal with it but she decided she’d prodded the sore spot enough. “I could do what you ask, Sam. I could swallow what I believe and I could help you with something I don’t agree with. I can compromise like the best of them, but not with this. Because if I did, in the end, I’d hate myself for it and after a while you’d hate me for it too.” She let out a breath. “So...as much as I respect you and care about you, I can’t support your position on this.” 

He stood there for a moment, looking broken and alone. “Okay...fine.” he finally said. There was no heat in his voice now. Only resignation. He should have seen this coming. He and Ainsley were too different. 

He forced himself to look at her again. “I have to go back to my office,” he told her, in a voice that was calm and flat now. “I need to call Josh and then I have to meet with Toby about something.” He walked to the door, then paused. “I...under the circumstances I think it might be better if...we took a rain check on dinner,” he said gently. 

She knew he wasn’t trying to be unkind and she’d been thinking the exact same thing, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “I think so, too.” 

Without another word, Sam turned and headed upstairs to his office. 


	22. Trial by Fire 22

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 22**

Josh, feeling weary and a little odd, pulled out his cell phone and sat down in one of the waiting room chairs. He’d figure out the thing with Garcia later, right now he had to call Sam. Flipping open his cell, he selected Sam’s speed dial and hit send. 

Sam was so engrossed in what had just happened with Ainsley, it took him a moment to realize the phone in his pocket was vibrating. He considered ignoring it, but with his luck it would be Leo or the President. Fishing it out of his pants pocket he saw it was Josh. 

Sam shoved the thing with Ainsley to the back of his mind. “Hi, Josh.” 

“Hey, Sam.” 

“How’s Donna?” Sam asked as he passed through the communications bullpen. Bonnie handed him his phone messages as he passed her desk and walked into his office. 

“The doctor just left a few minutes ago,” Josh replied. “Donna came through the surgery just fine. She’s in recovery right now. They’ll be bringing her back down to the ICU in an hour or so.” 

“Great, Josh, that’s terrific news,” he said, glad that something was going right. “Did the doctor give you any details about her surgery?” 

“Well, he tried but I didn’t let him get too far. You know how squeamish I get when it involves Donna and surgery.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Sam replied gently. Josh had told him how nauseous and light headed it made him whenever the doctors talked about her surgery. 

It took Josh a moment to reply. The words still made his insides twist into a knot. “He said she’ll probably be in a lot of pain when she wakes up,” he said softly. “But they’ve got her on a self-administering morphine drip she can use if she needs it.” 

Sam could hear the distress in his voice. “How long did they think she’d need it?” 

“It depends, a few days maybe. After that, if things go well, they’ll try putting her on something different and move her to a regular room,” Josh explained. 

“Well, getting her into a regular room is good anyway,” Sam put in. 

“Yeah, it is,” Josh agreed. He was still having a hard time getting past the “Donna’s going to be in pain” part. 

Sam heard the big pause on the other end of the phone and he frowned. “Josh?” 

“Hmmm?” 

“You okay?” Sam asked. 

Another pause. His brain felt like he was dragging it through quicksand. He could tell his body was getting ready to crash...hard. “Yeah, I’m okay, I’m just tired.” He yawned widely. 

“Well, that’s understandable,” Sam said. “I’d be surprised if you’ve gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep since they discharged you from the hospital. 

Josh paused again. “I just...” he tried. “I guess I was a little worried if I fell asleep, I’d wake up and she’d be gone, you know?” 

“Yeah, I know,” he said quietly. 

His heart went out to Josh. He knew that the thing at the courthouse, and Donna’s injuries were weighing heavily on Josh. It occurred to him that Josh had been alone pretty much all morning and while Josh was a pretty private person, it couldn’t have been easy for him to wait all by himself. 

Although he knew that by staying at the White House to meet with the Speaker, he’d been helping free up Josh to stay at the hospital, Sam felt a little guilty about not being there waiting with him. Josh didn’t wait well and he waited alone even worse. 

Sam mentally reviewed his schedule for the rest of the day. If he could cancel his meeting with Toby, which shouldn’t be a problem, everything else could be rescheduled. A trip to the hospital would also have the side benefit of helping to take his mind off the Ainsley situation. 

“Hey, Sam?” 

“Yeah?” Sam replied sounding a little distracted. 

Josh could hear papers being shuffled as Sam apparently looked through something on his desk. “I know I’m tired, but the weirdest thing happened right before I called you.” 

“Oh? What’s that?” Sam asked as he made his way through the pink message slips Bonnie had given him. 

“Garcia came to see me,” he told Sam. 

About the time Josh said ‘Garcia,’ Sam pulled out the message on the bottom of the pile. A tingle went up his spine. “What did you just say?” 

Josh didn’t quite catch the weird tone in Sam’s question. “I said Garcia just came by to see me. It was pretty weird.” 

Sam pulled his glasses out of his shirt pocket and slid them on. Blinking hard, he reread the message in his hand in case he’d gotten it wrong the first time. “You saw Garcia?” 

Josh frowned. “Yeah.” 

“You ‘talked’ to...Freddie Garcia...recently?” 

“Yes, Sam, I talked to Freddie Garcia about 10 minutes ago,” Josh told him with a touch of annoyance. “Didn’t you hear me? Is the cell reception bad or something?” 

“Josh...?” Sam’s voice trailed off and he swallowed hard. 

“What...what the heck is with you, Sam?” 

“Josh...you know that Leo has me taking point with gathering information about the courthouse so that CJ is fully briefed...” Sam began as he read the pink piece of paper again...the message failed to change. 

“Yeah, I know that, so...?” Josh replied suspiciously. 

“I’ve got the U.S. Marshals giving me regular updates about any developments concerning the courthouse...” This was just too weird. It couldn’t be true...could it? 

“The point, Sam, the point...” Josh urged. He had no clue what was making Sam sound so strange. 

There was another pause. “Josh, there’s no way you could have just spoken to Garcia. One of the messages Bonnie just gave me says...it says...” 

“You’re driving me crazy here, Sam. Just spit it out.” 

Sam swallowed. “It says Freddie Garcia died about an hour ago.” 

Josh sat there in stunned silence for a moment. The hairs on the back of his neck were getting quite the workout since they were standing up once again. “But...but...” Josh sputtered. “That’s impossible. He stood here, right here, in this waiting room and talked to me for like 5 minutes. There were even two deputies with him. He said they were taking him away.” 

“Could you have fallen asleep? You said yourself you are pretty tired. Maybe you dropped off for a few minutes and dreamt he was...” 

“I did NOT dream it, Sam,” Josh insisted. “He was RIGHT here!” 

“Okay, okay. I believe you,” Sam said. He did believe him, at least he believed that Josh was telling the truth as he knew it. Sam just couldn’t figure out how what Josh was saying could have really happened. On the other hand, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a tiny bit worried that Josh was losing his grip on reality or had suffered some kind of hallucination brought on by at sleep deprivation. 

“I mean it, Sam,” Josh continued to insist. “I’m not crazy.” 

At least he didn’t think he was. Did you know when you were losing your mind? Wasn’t there some famous saying about if you think you might be crazy, you’re probably not? It was when bizarre things sounded perfectly logical that you had to worry. Well, Josh decided he must not be crazy because what he’d witnessed and what Sam was saying sounded like the most bizarre damn thing he’d ever heard. 

In an effort to get a handle on what he was hearing, Josh’s mind searched for an explanation. “Wait, could this be some kind of cover-up?” 

Sam blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean a cover-up. Like a witness protection thing? Didn’t you tell me that the organization he and Martinez built was pretty big?” 

“Well, yes, but....” Sam stammered. 

“Could the FBI or the DEA or the Justice department or someone else I’m missing want him testify against some other drug cartel? Like the Columbians or something?” 

Sam suddenly felt like he’d fallen into an episode of ‘X-Files.’ “I don’t see how. I mean maybe there would be a 1% chance of that if he wasn’t so badly hurt, but Josh, he was shot in the HEAD,” Sam said, trying to be the voice of reason. “They didn’t expect him to live, much less wake up and walk out of the ICU.” 

“I know, but...” Josh stopped and tried to think of another reason. “Wait, what if they exaggerated his injuries? What if they were only hiding him in the ICU and he wasn’t that badly hurt and they thought it was safe to move him now?” 

Of course, what Josh didn’t say was that his theory didn’t explain how Garcia and the deputies had disappeared in the corridor so quickly. 

“Come on, Josh, that’s a pretty farfetched isn’t it?” 

Josh sighed and rubbed a tired hand over his face. “Yeah, I guess. I just don’t know how to explain it otherwise. He was here...I did see him...I did talk to him and...I’m sure I wasn’t asleep.” 

“Okay, Josh. We’ll figure it out,” Sam told him. “I’m coming over there.” 

“But I thought you had a pretty full day,” Josh pointed out. 

“I did, but some things got cancelled and I moved the rest.” Or he would just as soon as he got off the phone with Josh. 

For some reason, Josh didn’t quite believe him, but he was too tired to think about it any harder or argue about it any more. “Okay.” 

Sam knew Josh was not one to acknowledge when he needed help, so he was glad that Josh wasn’t going to put up a fight about some help now. “I’ll be there in about 45 minutes.” 

“All right,” he said tiredly. “I’ll see you then.” He hung up the cell phone and sat there for a moment just staring at it in his hand. What the heck was going on with Garcia? 

Mary...he could ask Mary. She was on duty in the ICU today...she liked him and she would tell him the truth. 

With a goal and purpose, his tired brain propelled his body up and out of the chair and into the ICU. As he walked in, he glanced over to the cubical Sam had identified as Garcia’s. There was still a Marshal on duty outside the cubical, but the curtain was still drawn so Josh couldn’t see inside either. 

Josh headed for the nurses’ desk where Mary was reviewing a chart. “Hi, Mary.” 

Mary looked up and smiled at him. “Now, Josh, I know Dr. Scott talked to you and told you that they wouldn’t be bringing Donna down for another hour or hour and a half and that I would come and get you once we got her settled. You’re not going to be a pest, are you?” she admonished playfully. 

Josh gave her a tired little half smile. “No...at least I don’t think so,” he replied. “Actually Mary, I didn’t come in here about Donna. I came here about Freddie Garcia.” 

Mary frowned in confusion. “Mr. Garcia? What about him?” 

“I heard that he died,” Josh told her softly. “Is that true?” 

Mary nodded. “Yes, about an hour ago. He went into cardiac arrest, which isn’t unusual given the seriousness of his injuries. His doctors were a little surprised he’d lived this long. He was very badly injured,” she told him. 

“I was wondering... could I see him? I know it probably sounds morbid, but after everything at the courthouse, and all he did to Donna, I’d just kind of like to see for myself that it’s him and he’s really dead.” 

Mary gave a little smile. “Actually your request isn’t all the uncommon...or especially morbid,” she told him. “In fact in light of what happened at the courthouse it’s perfectly understandable.” She paused. “I’ll have to leave the curtain open and the deputy will probably want to watch you just to make sure you don’t disturb the body.” 

“That’s fine,” Josh agreed. “I appreciate it, Mary.” 

Mary stood and the two of them walked over to Garcia’s cubical. She explained Josh’s request to the Marshal who also thought it was fine. 

Mary took hold of the curtain and pulled it back. A long lump, presumably Garcia’s body, was entirely covered with a plain white sheet. Josh walked to one side of the bed while Mary went to the other side. The Marshal stood silently at the foot of the bed. 

“Ready?” she asked. 

Josh nodded. Mary gently pulled back the sheet and folded it at mid-chest level. “I’ll give you a few minutes,” she said softly and left him alone with the body. 

Josh stared at the body. It definitely looked like the man from the courtroom...and the ICU waiting room for that matter, only here he looked more banged up. Most of his head was swathed in a white bandage. He didn’t seem to be wearing a hospital gown. Josh assumed they’d probably removed it when they’d tried to revive him. Poking out from under the folded back sheet, Josh could see the top of a large bandage on Garcia’s chest, presumably from the surgery he’d had to remove one of the bullets. From what Josh could see, Garcia seemed to be fairly well built and tanned. But even his tan couldn’t hide the fact that his skin, especially around the mouth, had begun to take on the hint of a purplish tone the dead get after they die. 

Josh’s mind was still trying to look for answers to explain his earlier encounter with Garcia in the courtroom. Could this be a mannequin? Some masterful recreation? 

Josh looked up at the Marshal. “Is it okay if I touch his shoulder?” 

The marshal nodded and Josh reached out to touch Garcia. His skin was warm, although not quite as warm as Josh guessed a living person would be, but that was to be expected if he was dead. The skin also didn’t feel anything like any mannequin or any other artificial material he’d ever felt before. It just felt like skin. The skin of a dead body. 

Oh, God, what the hell was he doing? He was poking a dead body. The reality of what he was doing hit him then and the moment took on a very creepy quality. A chill went up his spine. Okay, experiment over, Garcia was dead, end of story. 

In desperate need of some fresh air, he turned and quickly walked out of the cubical. Mumbling his thanks to Mary, he didn’t stop when she asked him if he was okay. Instead he hurried out of the ICU and through the waiting room. Once he stepped out into the corridor, he tried to figure out where to go. 

He couldn’t go out to the front entrance, there were still reporters lurking out there. Then he remembered something Mary had said about an atrium up on the roof. Josh found the elevator and entered a thankfully empty car. Pressing the button for the top floor, Josh leaned his back against the wall and let out a breath. ‘Well, that was one of creepier experiences of my life,’ he thought. 

When the elevator got to the top floor, the doors opened and he stepped out into the small plant filled atrium. Seeing a glass door that led out to a patio, Josh crossed the room and went outside. 

It was a sunny, clear day, but cold, and of course he’d forgotten his jacket. Donna would have given him crap for that one. Not that he noticed the cold. All he noticed was the sun and the fresh air. Turning his face up to the sun, he took a deep breath. The creepy feeling began to dissipate and he felt himself begin to relax. He stood there for a few moments until he felt more like himself again, then because he knew he had a little time before they brought Donna back, he walked closer to the wall to take in the view. 

>From his vantage point, he could see Virginia in the distance, as well as the Potomac, Roosevelt Island and Georgetown. For a moment he tried to see if he could pick out his apartment building, but had no luck as it seemed lost in the sea of roofs. He made a mental note to bring Donna up here when she was able to sit in a wheelchair, so she could sit in the sun. 

********** 

“There you are, Josh, thank God,” Sam exclaimed when Josh walked back into the ICU waiting room a half hour later. 

Josh’s heart leapt into his throat. “What’s wrong? Is it Donna?” 

Sam saw Josh go suddenly pale. “No, she’s fine as far as I know,” he said, trying to reassure him. “It was you I was worried about.” 

Now that his heart had started beating again, Josh frowned. “Why? I’m fine.” 

“Well, Mary told me you rushed out of the ICU looking kind of freaked out and then I tried call you a few minutes ago but you didn’t answer.” 

“Oh, sorry, I turned it off,” Josh said pulling the phone out of his pocket. “After I hung up with you, I noticed the battery was really low. I turned it off to save the battery until I could recharge it. I didn’t realize I was going to end up going for a walk.” 

Sam looked at him. Josh looked dog tired but otherwise seemed fine. “Oh, well, it’s no problem as long as you’re okay.” 

“Yeah, like I said, I’m fine.” He paused. “Did Mary tell you what I was doing in the ICU?” 

Sam looked at him for a moment. “Yeah, she did,” he replied carefully. “What did you find out?” 

“That Garcia’s dead,” Josh replied succinctly. “After that I just needed some air.” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I can understand that.” 

Josh let out a breath and leaned back in the chair. Luckily, his shoulder had healed enough it didn’t hurt to press on it. “I don’t know what to tell you, Sam. I swear he was standing right there by the door. We talked for a bit and then he said he and the deputies had to go. The three of them walked out into the corridor, but when I followed them out there, they were gone.” Josh paused as he remembered. “You know, come to think of it, there was something familiar about those two deputies, something that’s been bugging me ever since, but I can’t put my finger on it.” 

Sam thought maybe they needed a change of subject. “Hey, I brought this morning’s paper.” Sam said pulling a copy of The Washington Post out of his brief case. “You want to catch up on what’s going on in the world?” 

“Sure,” Josh told him. “Give me the front page section.” 

Sam hesitated. “There’s a big article about the courthouse on the front page.” 

“Sam, I’ve got to face it sooner or later, I’m sure it’s going to be on TV and in the paper for some time. Besides, I’m meeting with Stanley Keyworth next week and I’m sure he’ll think of it as very mentally healthy of me, if I’ve already started facing it,” Josh said. “So hand it over.” 

“Okay,” Sam replied as he pulled out the front page and gave it to Josh. “I, on the other hand, am going to read the sports page.” 

“Well, hurry up, because I’ll want that...” Josh voice trailed off. “...next,” he finished softly. 

Sam looked over at him. Josh was still staring at the newspaper but he now looked as white as a sheet and had the oddest expression on his face. “Josh, what’s wrong? You look like, well, not to make a pun or anything, but you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

After a moment, Josh looked up from the paper. “I think I may have. I know this is going to sound completely crazy, but...” his voice trailed off again. 

“But what, Josh? What is it?” Sam demanded trying not to panic at the weird little chill that was going up his spine. 

Josh’s stomach clenched and the hairs on his neck stood up again. “I think...I mean it can’t be true but, when I saw Garcia’s ghost or whatever I just realized why the deputies seemed familiar.” 

“Why?” 

Josh held up the paper and pointed to two small photos that accompanied the story about who’d been killed at the courthouse. “Because the two deputies I saw with Garcia...here...in this room...less than an hour ago...” He swallowed. “Were the two deputies that were shot...by Garcia...in the courtroom a week ago.” 

A definite chill and a resounding silence settled over them and the otherwise empty waiting room. 

“Okay Josh,” Sam finally managed. “Now you’re just freaking me out.” 

“Not half as much as I’m freaking myself out,” Josh replied. “You know what?” he said handing the paper back to Sam. “I don’t think I want to read the paper after all.” 

“Yeah, me either,” Sam said, quickly stuffing the newspaper back in his briefcase. 

“So apparently I was talking to three ghosts,” Josh said with a self-effacing laugh. 

“Sounds like it to me,” Sam agreed with a nervous, tension relieving grin. “It was kind of like justice from beyond the grave.” 

“Sam?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Let’s not call it that...okay?” 

Sam chuckled. “Okay, fair enough. Hey, I have an idea.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Why don’t we keep this just between ourselves and never mention it again?” Sam told him. 

“Hey, buddy, that’s the best idea I’ve heard in a long time.” The two of them shook hands. “So tell me how the meeting with the Speaker went,” Josh suggested. “I didn’t have a chance to ask you earlier when we talked on the phone.” 

Sam frowned at that. It brought back the incident with Ainsley. 

When Sam didn’t say anything, it was Josh’s turn to be concerned. “Sam?” Josh prompted. “Did the meeting go badly?” 

“What? Oh, yeah, the meeting went fine. The Speaker had some things he wanted to talk about...” 

“Tax cuts and agriculture subsidies?” Josh finished. 

“Yeah, how did you know?” Sam asked. 

“Because the Republicans always want to talk about tax cuts and agriculture subsidies,” Josh put in. When Sam still seemed lost in thought, Josh prodded him again. “Sam? You okay? Are you sure the meeting went okay?” 

“Huh?” Sam said, seeming to snap back in. “Sorry Josh, what did you say?” 

“I asked if you were okay? Did something happen at the meeting or at the White House?” 

“Oh, yeah, I’ve just got some things...on my mind.” Like a certain blonde, blue-eyed Republican lawyer he knew. 

Josh wasn’t really used to being the ‘talk about your feelings’ guy but something really seemed to be bothering Sam. There was also the fact that he owed Sam a lot, a WHOLE lot, for everything he’d done for him and Donna this week. “You want to talk about it?” 

Sam let out a breath. “No, not really...I mean I appreciate the offer, but...” 

Josh smiled. “Okay, well if you change your mind, let me know.” 

Sam suddenly got up from his chair and paced to the other side of the room. “Okay, so here’s the thing. I think Ainsley and I just broke up.” 

Josh blinked in surprise. “Why? What happened? You’ve only been together a week. That sounds like one of my track records, not yours.” 

“I don’t know. It was going so well. I took her some lunch, which made her really happy and then we made plans for dinner and...stuff.” 

Josh could pretty well figure out what “and...stuff” meant and he had to resist the urge to smirk. Since his time with Laurie and whatever he called the thing with Mallory, Sam had gone out of his way to be almost monk-like in regards to sex and dating. “Go on,” he told Sam. 

“Then it all went to hell,” he said as he began to pace slowly. “I haven’t told you this yet, but in light of the thing at the courthouse, the President wants you and me to light a fire under Congress about getting a new gun control law passed.” 

“Okay...” Josh said with a nod. He expected the President to want to pull the gun control bill out of mothballs. “So what does that have to do with Ainsley?” 

“Well, she’s been so helpful writing position papers and language and she is Republican, I thought she could help us draft some language to convince the Congress and the Republicans to pass the bill.” 

Ah, now Josh saw the problem. “And she said, ‘no’.” 

Sam stopped. “How’d you know?” 

“Because she’s a Republican and from day one she’s made no bones about the fact that she hates our gun control policy,” Josh replied. 

“Yeah, I guess you have a point. Anyway, we got into a big fat fight about it.” 

“But wait a minute, you guys always have arguments. You agree to disagree on just about everything. What’s the problem this time?” Josh asked. 

“Well, this time it was more a fight than an argument and I seemed to be doing a lot of yelling.” 

Josh frowned. Sam wasn’t really one to raise his voice. He did it on occasion but usually when he was mad his voice just got clipped and snippy. “Then what happened?” 

“Well, that’s where the ‘I don’t know’ part comes in. She’s wrong and I’m right and I can’t believe that she disagreed with just about everything in the President’s gun control policy and she wouldn’t help or support me on it.” 

Josh was more surprised by Sam’s vehement reaction than he was at Ainsley’s apparent stance on gun control. 

At that point, Sam almost seemed to be ranting at himself more than he was talking to Josh. “I mean, I thought that after everything at the courthouse she might have changed her closed little mind about it, but nooooo, she just keeps her ‘no gun control,’ right wing, Republican rhetoric!” he said, throwing up his hands angrily. 

“Calm down, Sam. Tell me her objections,” Josh told him. 

Sam began to outline the bulk of their conversation and everything Ainsley said against the President’s gun control policy. Although he wasn’t yelling, Josh could tell that Sam was getting madder and madder as he went on. 

“And THEN she started saying something about she understood how much guns had hurt the administration and hurt me personally...” 

Whoa...hold on. Josh frowned. “Hurt you personally? How?” 

“She was saying some crap about how she knew how much it hurt me to see people I care about getting shot...” he said, shrugging it off. “I think she was just trying to deflect me away from the real issue. She never listens to me!” Sam yelled, all but pounding his fist into his chest. I just wanted her to listen to me, but she couldn’t even do that!” 

‘Oh, God,’ Josh thought to himself. ‘Why hadn’t I seen it sooner?’ 

It was like a flashback to that day in the Oval office when Josh himself had blown up at the President. Hadn’t he been yelling about how no one was listening to him? He didn’t think Sam was nearly as far gone as he’d been that day in the Oval, but he could certainly see the seeds of something that wasn’t quite right with Sam. 

“Sam,” he said quietly. “To a degree she’s right.” 

Sam looked at him like he’d grown an extra head. “What are you talking about?!” he demanded. Every muscle in his chest constricted painfully. 

“I’m saying that a lot of things she mentioned are valid,” Josh argued. “The bill doesn’t include the guns that were used at Rosslyn or at the courthouse. It doesn’t cover assault weapons. It doesn’t have any provisions for gun shows or private gun sales. The stricter penalties clause is somewhat extraneous. And it WILL look like we’re taking advantage of the courthouse shooting.” 

“I can’t believe your taking her side in this!” Sam said, looking like he was about ready to burst a blood vessel. 

“If you’ll let me finish...I’m not taking her side. The thing she said about the federally mandated waiting period is completely ludicrous.” He let out a breath. “Sam, what I think she was really trying to say is that the bill could be stronger and in a perfect world, you know, one run by Democrats, I’d agree. The problem is a stronger bill won’t make it through Congress. This is what we’ve got for right now.” 

“Which is what I told her!” 

“I know,” Josh replied. He couldn’t believe he was being the level headed one in this discussion. “You both were right and you both were wrong. The thing is that the President has decided to go forward with getting a bill passed and he’s charged us with getting it done.” 

Like a light going on, an idea flashed into Josh’s head. “That means...” he paused for effect. “We can either take the current text of the bill, lacking as it may be, and probably get it passed or...we can take what Ainsley said and what you and I already know and go to the President with a plan to make the bill stronger. Make it what WE want it to be, one that we’re proud to work on,” Josh said with a bit of excitement. 

The idea brought Sam up short. “But, Josh, we’d never get it passed.” 

Josh looked at him for a minute. “Maybe not...but then again you never know. Besides, if nothing else, as the campaign heats up, gun control is going to become a big issue. Why not give the President a nice beefy stick to beat Ritchie over the head with? Not to mention the fact that all the attention from the campaign might get Congress and the Republicans off their collective asses and maybe...just maybe, get it passed.” 

Sam blinked at him. “You think it will work?” 

“Getting it passed might be a tall order, but I can almost guarantee you it will raise the debate both in the campaign and across the country,” Josh told him. “And I have a feeling a certain blonde Republican might come on board if we address some of the issues she raised.” 

“Do you think we could get Leo and the President to buy off on it too?” 

“I swear, Sam, I think we could. I really do,” Josh replied. “So what do you say, buddy? You wanna go for it?” 

Sam stood there and considered that. Although he wished there was a better chance of getting it passed, he really liked the idea of strengthening the bill and raising the debate. 

He also began to feel a little badly about the way he’d yelled at Ainsley. Josh was right, he and Ainsley disagreed on more things than they agreed on. He’d never lost his temper before...not really, not like he had today. Why had this been so hard? 

“Yeah, I do,” he said, feeling the constriction in his chest completely melt away. 

Josh grinned. “Great. You and I need to start working on the language to present to Leo and the President right away.” 

Josh’s good mood faded a bit as he knew what he had to say next. “Sam, there’s something else that Ainsley said that we haven’t talked about.” 

Sam frowned. “What’s that?” 

“How this thing at the courthouse is affecting you,” Josh said gently. 

That took Sam by surprise. “What? No...I’m fine...really,” Sam stammered. 

“No, Sam, speaking as someone who has not been ‘fine’ on more than one occasion, I don’t think you are. I think you should talk to someone about what happened at the courthouse.” 

“But...but I wasn’t even hurt,” Sam pointed out. 

“Not all wounds are on the outside,” Josh put in. 

“I’m...” Sam began, his heart beating hard in his chest. “It would be a waste of time.” 

“Would it?” Josh asked. “Would it be a waste of time to find out why your temper has been so short? Would it be wrong to just talk to someone who could help you figure out why you wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night?” 

Stunned, Sam stared at him. “How...?” 

“Because I’ve been there, Sam,” Josh said quietly. “And after things settle down with Donna, and I try to start sleeping again, I’m guessing I’ll be there again. Well, actually I hope not, since I’m planning on seeing Stanley in the very near future.” He tried to smile. “I’m looking at it like a preemptive strike.” He paused. “Look, Sam, I’m not saying you have PTSD, I’m just saying that I think it wouldn’t hurt for you to talk to someone.” 

He could see that Josh was serious. “Okay...I will...later...when things aren’t so hectic.” 

Josh wasn’t buying that. “Sam, you work in the White House, as long as we’re in office things are going to be hectic.” 

“But...” 

“No, Sam, seriously, you need to talk to someone soon. Someone who’s trained to help with things like this. The last thing I want to do is to hear that you’ve put your hand through a window or something even worse. Believe me when I say it’s no fun.” 

Sam paused. “Josh, I’m just not the kind of guy that talks to...I mean I know that people think I’m girly or something but I’m much better at letting other people talk about their problems than I am at talking about mine.” 

“I’m not that guy either, Sam. Or at least I wasn’t until after my dad died. I think Donna is about the only one who knows this, but during our first year in office I saw a therapist a couple of times. My dad’s death was kind of hard for me and it also brought up some things about my sister. I didn’t tell anyone about seeing a therapist because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak or whatever.” 

“I’ve never thought you were weak, Josh. No one I know thinks you’re weak,” Sam put in. 

Josh smiled slightly and let out a breath. “I appreciate that, Sam.” He paused. “Anyway, the fact that I was worried about looking weak was also why I stopped going. That is, until I wound up, as you well know, spending 8 hours with Stanley Keyworth at Christmas a year ago. I also continued with a therapist for about 6 months afterwards.” He sighed. 

“See, after Rosslyn I never even considered going back to therapy. I was too busy telling everyone and myself that I was fine when I was really coming apart.” He paused. “Donna was the only one who figured it out...and in the end, she saved me,” he added softly. “It sounds like Ainsley was kind of doing the same thing for you.” 

“Josh...” Sam began. But Josh wouldn’t let him finish. 

“You know what Donna said to me in the courtroom?” 

“What?” Sam replied. 

“As she lay there, shot, paralyzed and bleeding, thinking she was going to die, she made me promise her something. She made me promise that when I got out of there I would go see Stanley and I would tell him that I thought it was my fault she was at the courthouse and got shot but it wasn’t.” He had tears in his voice when he finished. “What do you say to that? Even though she thought she was dying, she was trying to save me again.” 

Sam swallowed back tears of his own, but he was still resistant to the idea of talking to someone about what was going on in his head. “It’s different, Josh.” 

“How is it different?” Josh asked him. 

“Because...because...because it’s me,” he said a little more vehemently than he meant to. 

“Wow,” Josh said with a chuckle. “And Donna says I have a big ego.” He let out a breath and stood up. “I’m going to take it out of your hands. I’m going to order you to go...” 

“You can’t do that,” Sam insisted. 

“Well, you’re wrong and I can, but if you’re going to put up a fight I’m certain that I can get Leo, Toby and the President to back me up.” 

Sam hated feeling helpless. “Why Josh? Why are you making me do this?” 

“Because, Sam, I know you’re not going to believe it right now, but I’m your friend and I care about you and I don’t ever want anyone to go through what I did.” He paused in case Sam wanted to say something. When he was silent, Josh went on. 

“No one has to know, Sam. It’s not going to show up in the paper or in tabloids. Stanley’s a stand-up guy. There will be times when he’ll seem prosecutorial and it will feel like he’s working over your brain with a dental pick and jack hammer but it gets better. Come on Sam, you had Rosslyn and now this, not to mention the thing with your Dad last year...” 

“Keep my Dad out of this,” Sam said with a little growl. 

“Okay, sorry,” Josh said putting up his hands. He knew Stanley would explore that topic further with Sam and he wouldn’t back off when Sam got defensive. “All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt for you to do some mental spring cleaning and just because you see Stanley once, doesn’t mean you have to keep going to a therapist from then on. It doesn’t always work that way. Stanley will let you know.” He smiled grimly. 

“If it makes you feel any better, Donna and I are going to be next in line. I told Donna I thought Stanley would be giving us the group couch rate for therapy, I guess I wasn’t exaggerating.” 

“Toby’s going to never let me live it down...” Sam said. 

“Well, I think you’re wrong there. He knows about my therapy and he’s never said a word to me. But if it would make it easier for you we don’t have to tell him.” 

“Really?” 

“Sure. Leo will have to know but I don’t see why we’d have to tell Toby or CJ or even the President.” 

“Well, that does make me feel a little better,” Sam admitted. 

Josh clapped him on the shoulder. “Good. I’ll talk to Stanley and set up an appointment for you when he’s here next week.” He paused. “So are you okay?” 

Sam let out a breath. “Well, I’m a little terrified at the idea of the dental pick and jack hammer analogy, but yeah, I’m okay and from what you say, I’ll be better after talking to him.” 

“Good. Now are WE okay?” 

“Yeah,” he and Josh embraced for a moment. “It’s just a good thing Toby’s not here,” he said. “Talk about never living something down.” 

“Ah-hem,” someone cleared their voice from behind them. 

The two of them froze, but Josh was facing the door and saw it was a grinning Mary that was standing in the doorway. “Hey, Mary.” 

“Hi Josh. Glad to see you’re feeling better than the last time I saw you,” she told him with a little smirk as the two men were locked in a deer-in-the-headlights kind of hug. 

“See, it’s moments like this that makes half of D.C. think I’m gay or something,” Sam said with a little laugh. 

Josh clapped him on the back. “Well, at least it’s not Toby standing in the doorway,” he told him as they released each other and took a step back. 

“Hey, Mary,” Sam greeted her. 

“Hi Sam,” she replied. “I know you didn’t ask my opinion, but I like men who can hug each other. It doesn’t make you look gay, it gives you that ‘sensitive guy’ quality. Women love that in a man.” Her grin got wider. “Of course, if I see you two kissing each other, I’m selling my story to the National Enquirer,” she teased. 

“Good to know,” Sam said with a chuckle. 

“Josh?” Mary said, going back to nurse mode. “I wanted to let you know that we just brought Donna down from recovery and she’s all settled. You can come see her whenever you’re ready.” 

Josh smiled. “Thanks, Mary.” He was finally going to get to see Donna, his heart started beating quickly at the thought. She nodded and went back into the ICU. 

“Okay, I’ve gotta go check on Donna,” Josh told Sam as he backed toward the door to the ICU. “You gonna head back for the White House?” 

“Yeah, I pushed back a meeting with Toby that I should get to. Call me if you guys need anything.” 

“I will,” Josh replied. “And I’ll let you know a time after I talk to Stanley.” 

“Okay, give Donna my best,” Sam replied. “Tell her I’ll be by to see her tomorrow.” 

“I will,” Josh said as he waved goodbye to Sam and walked through the door into the ICU. 

He made a beeline for Donna’s cubical. His heart seemed to settle back into the proper place when he saw her sleeping peacefully with her golden hair lying on the pillow. He could see the weights and straps on her legs and torso were gone, as were the braces that had held down her arms. For now anyway, he was under the impression that they would be put back on tonight. However, from the bulkiness of her hospital gown he could tell that she was still wearing a brace of some kind over her torso. 

“Welcome back,” he whispered as he leaned over and softly kissed her cheek. “I missed you.” 

Pulling a chair up close to the bed, Josh wanted to stay close to her. He wanted to just revel in the fact that she was back here with him. He laid one arm on the pillow above her head and laid his other hand on her shoulder in kind of a very loose embrace. Content to just be close to her and watch her sleep, it wasn’t very long before his tired body gave up the ghost and he fell asleep as well. 

********** 

Donna swam slowly, almost languidly through the liquid blackness. The feeling wasn’t unpleasant and resembled being wrapped in a soft, warm blanket. Even her brain felt like it was bundled up in it. She wasn’t scared or anxious, but was searching nonetheless. 

At first she was moving and thinking too slowly to realize what exactly she was searching for. Then it came to her...Josh. Where was Josh? With new motivation she made herself move a bit faster. She still wasn’t upset because she couldn’t find him. What she was feeling was more like when someone comes home from a long day and looks through the house for the husband or wife they’ve missed all day. With absolute certainty, Donna knew he was there and she’d find him eventually. 

For some reason it occurred to her then that she was swimming through black because her eyes were closed. Taking a breath to bolster the less than robust level of strength in her body, she slowly opened her eyes. She blinked as she tried to bring things into focus. Where was she? 

On the heels of that question her mind seemed to slowly right itself and she knew she was in the GW ICU. With that knowledge came a very unpleasant reality. Pain. Pain that began to report in from many sectors of her body. It was like a movie had been on pause and someone had pressed play. Most of the pain was centered in her torso, almost as if she’d been impaled on a red hot poker. Gasping softly, she tired to rise above it and not panic. 

Then she remembered the doctors had told her she might be in pain and that she would have a pain medication button in her hand when she woke. Almost automatically she clenched both hands and found that she did indeed have a small plastic thing in her right hand. Her fingers fumbled a bit and she found what felt like a button on the top of it, which she depressed. It took a moment to kick in but she felt the pain slowly begin to recede. It didn’t go away altogether but it didn’t feel so overwhelming. 

As other coherent thoughts began to come back into her mind she realized she was breathing shallowly, something the doctor had told her to resist doing. She couldn’t remember exactly why, but he’d said it was important that she try and breathe as deeply as possible, so like the dutiful patient she made the attempt. It hurt at first, but then it actually seemed to help with the pain and she felt herself relax a little. 

Getting over that hurdle had left her feeling exhausted and she felt herself slipping back into the blackness. But she had to stay awake long enough to find Josh. Where was he? Then she heard it. The sound of someone softly snoring off to her right. Turning her head slowly and carefully toward the sound, she was greeted by the image of the top of a curly brown head. 

Donna knew instantly it was Josh. The slowly receding hairline of the brown curls, the scent of him, the warmth of his hand on her shoulder, all told her it was him. She smiled. As far as she could tell, he was sitting in a chair but was leaning over her bed as far as he could. Consequently, his head was at an almost right angle next to hers on the pillow. 

Without a conscious thought, she raised her hand to touch him and found herself staring back in wonder at her own hand for the first time in almost a week. The part of the brace that had been holding her arm to the bed was gone. Smiling, she tried to lift her whole arm up off the bed, but found that not only did she not have the strength to do it, but even the attempt sent a new wave of pain through her. About the only thing she could manage right then was to raise her arm from the elbow down, which in her mind was better than nothing. 

Now, if it would only be enough for her to reach out and touch Josh. Bending her arm at the elbow, she reached up and felt her fingers contact gently with the back of Josh’s head. 

‘Poor thing,’ she thought. ‘He must exhausted.’ 

While she’d been taking care of him after Rosslyn she found him to be a pretty light sleeper and that idea had been reinforced while she’d been in the hospital, but he hadn’t even stirred when she’d touched him. Even the sound of his snoring had stayed the same. To Donna, that was okay though, she didn’t even think about waking him. He needed his rest and she was content just to touch him. To feel the silky strands of his hair moving through her fingers. 

The fact that she was able to move her arms again, coupled with being able to run her fingers through Josh’s hair for the first time, filled Donna with more joy and contentment than she ever could have thought possible. Her heart swelled with it and made the physical pain she was feeling abate just that much more. 

With her fingers still toying idly with his hair and a tiny smile on her face, Donna drifted back off to sleep. 


	23. Trial by Fire 23

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 23**

The next day Josh sat, freshly showered and changed into clean clothes, in the ICU waiting room. The doctor had arrived a couple of hours earlier and had taken the time to discuss the next phase of her recovery with Donna and him. 

There had always been a certain morning routine the nurses had for Donna’s care while she’d been in the ICU, but things were going to step up a bit now that it was safer for her to move around. The new routine would continue for the next week, even after she was moved into a regular room in a day or two. 

First, would come a thorough daily check of her overall physical condition, including an assessment of her pain level and how much feeling she was regaining. 

Second, to get her ready for more intensive physical therapy and to keep her muscles as loose and limber as possible, her therapist, a small red-headed pixie of a woman named Dana, would take her through a series of gentle movements. Part of the movements would be for her upper body and would involve Donna moving her arms and her head and neck. The other part would be Dana manipulating Donna’s legs, feet and toes. 

Third, she would have to be turned onto her side so that the dressing on her spinal incision could be changed. An incision that was 14-inches long and had been closed with over 400 stitches. 

Fourth, while she was still on her side, a special therapeutic lotion, similar to what was used on babies to prevent diaper rash, would be applied to her skin to try and prevent bed sores and chaffing from the brace and the traction devices she still had to wear at night. The lotion would also help heal any sores that did develop. 

Fifth, she’d have to be returned to her back and the dressing on her stomach wound changed and more lotion applied to her skin. 

The sixth and final step would involve medical ‘housekeeping’ of sorts. Checking her i.v. site for any sign of infection, and because she still had a urinary catheter, the catheter would need to be cleaned, checked and a urine same sample sent off to test for signs of infection. Even though she was already on antibiotics for her various injuries and surgeries, a urinary tract infection was not beyond the realm of possibility and were not uncommon among people who had catheters for an extended period of time. 

The doctor told them the whole process would probably take about 2 hours every morning. 2 hours that Josh would need to be out of the room, not only because a lot of what they were going to do would probably make him queasy and they needed the room to maneuver around Donna, but also to give her a tiny shred of modesty during a process that would leave her feeling anything but a sense of modesty, as she had to be basically undressed during the entire thing. 

Donna made Josh promise that he would take that time, time they’d dubbed her, ‘boot camp,’ every morning to get showered and shaved, have the dressing on his shoulder wound changed, and check-in at work. 

And so that’s exactly what Josh had spent the last 2 hours doing. After getting cleaned up and his bandage changed, he’d called Sam and they discussed what Sam was going to say during senior staff that morning to convince Leo about rewriting the gun policy, so that Leo would in turn help Sam and, by conference call, Josh, convince the President. 

Josh had been really happy to hear the excitement in Sam’s voice about their plans concerning the new gun policy they were going to advocate. He’d also asked about Ainsley and tried to prod Sam about what he was going to do both about asking her to help them with the language of the new bill and on a personal level, but Sam had hedged and quickly changed the subject. 

Josh hadn’t pushed. He’d already made Sam’s appointment with Stanley and if he had to take Sam himself, Josh would see he kept it. Stanley would push him enough and he had a feeling after Sam had a chance to talk to Stanley it would be easier to get him to deal with what’s going on with Ainsley. 

So now he was doing the only thing he could for Donna, and that was wait. 

Just then Nora opened the door and poked her head into the waiting room. “Okay, you can bring your sorry behind in here,” she told Josh. 

Her manner didn’t even phase Josh anymore. He jumped up and followed her inside. As he walked in, he saw Dr. Scott standing in front of the closed curtain of Donna’s cubical. He had an odd little smile on his face. 

Josh hesitated for just a second, something was up. “Hey, Doc.” 

Dr. Scott saw Josh’s frown and he held up his hand. “Don’t worry, Josh. Things are good.” 

Josh’s frown softened just a bit. “Okay.” 

The doctor’s smile got wider. “She’s got a surprise for you,” he said as he pulled back the curtain. 

Josh walked into the cubical to find a smiling Donna sitting up in bed at about a 45 degree angle. He was so pleased to see her sitting up for the first time in a week and so happy to see her smile, a smile he knew was for him, that he failed to notice the ever so slight pink tinge to her eyes and her nose and the extra layer of tiredness that clung to her face like a dusting of old make-up. 

All of which had been caused by the ordeal of her first ‘boot camp.’ Donna had found it terribly painful to have them move her around and she’d cried silent, but almost constant tears throughout. Donna had made everyone involved swear not to tell Josh so he wouldn’t worry. Consequently, after ‘boot camp’ was over, Nora had given Donna an extra 15 minutes to pull herself together before she went out to get Josh. 

Josh also didn’t notice that Donna, who dressed back in her brace and hospital gown, wasn’t covered with the sheet and light blanket like she usually was. It was another part of the surprise. 

“Hey,” Josh said with a dimpled grin. 

Donna smiled back at him. Those dimples made the residual pain she was feeling just that much more bearable. “So this is what my room looks like. I’ve been wondering,” she joked. 

“You always did know how to bring the surprises.” Walking forward, he leaned over and kissed her. “I had no idea you’d be sitting up yet,” he said as he took her hand in his. 

“And that’s not the only surprise,” Dr. Scott said from the foot of her bed. “Would you like to tell him, Donna?” 

Her smile grew into a grin. “They found a couple of spots of feeling on my left leg.” 

“You’re kidding?! That’s terrific!” Josh said giving her hand a squeeze. 

“Nope, she’s not,” Dr. Scott put in happily. “We found a large spot on her left buttock, two places on her left thigh, one on her shin, and a very small spot on the top of her left foot.” 

Josh grinned back at her. “See, I knew it would be all right.” 

“Yes, we’re very encouraged,” Dr. Scott said. “In addition to the restored sensation in her left leg, we estimate that she’s now gained about 80% of the feeling back in her right leg.” 

“Have I mentioned how amazing I think you are?” Josh asked her. 

Donna watched him for a moment, her heart swelling inside her chest. She loved him so much and to have him here with her was so precious to her, it was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears. Tears would have to wait, she had something else to tell him. 

“Well, if you think that’s amazing...” she trailed off as she glanced at Dr. Scott. “Can I show him, doctor?” 

“Show me what?” Josh said with a frown. 

Dr. Scott continued to smile. “I don’t see why not,” he answered. 

Donna looked back at Josh and pointed toward her foot with her free hand. “Josh, watch my right toes.” 

Josh frowned again, but did as she’d asked. “What am I looking for?” 

Squeezing Josh’s hand, Donna stared at her foot and concentrated very hard. 

Josh’s frown deepened. “What...” he started to say but then trailed off as he saw it. Her big toe moved. Not hugely, but it did move. As he continued to watch it moved again and this time the two toes next to it also moved. 

“Donna...” Josh began in disbelief as he turned back to her. “You just moved your toes.” 

With an exhale Donna relaxed and laid her head back against the bed and closed her eyes. The attempt had just about exhausted her. “I know,” she said with her eyes still closed and her breathing just a little fast from the exertion. “Surprise,” she said as a tired smile crept back onto her face. 

“Donna, this isn’t a surprise...this is...phenomenal!” Josh exclaimed. 

Laying his hand on the top of her head, he leaned over and enthusiastically kissed her forehead. Then he noticed just how tired she looked and registered the fact that she hadn’t opened her eyes yet. “Hey, you okay?” he asked with a frown as he glanced from Donna to the doctor and then back to Donna. 

“Sorry,” she said a little weakly as she heard the concern in his voice. She forced her eyes open and looked at him. “It makes me really tired. Guess I’m not quite ready to run that marathon, or, you know, chase you through the halls just yet.” 

He could clearly hear the touch of sadness in her voice. “Well, not quite yet, but you will be. Someday, very soon, you’ll be moving around faster than a speeding bullet. I’ll have to start calling you the ‘Bionic Woman’ or something.” He leaned in close. “I’m SO proud of you,” he whispered in her ear. 

Donna lifted her hand and reveled in the feeling of getting to touch him at will, both because she had the use of her arm back and because the boss/assistant relationship no longer stood between them. She vividly remembered all the times they’d been working together and she’d had to resist the urge to reach and run her fingers through his hair or take his hand. 

“Thanks,” she whispered back. “Is it good enough to warrant another kiss?” 

He smiled. “It’s good enough to warrant a waltz through the White House and host of other, more intimate things that I promise we’ll get to eventually,” he said seductively. “But for now it definitely warrants another kiss,” his mouth hovered over hers. “...and it won’t be on the forehead.” 

“Thank God,” she murmured. 

Leaning in, he captured her lips with his. Just when he thought kissing Donna couldn’t be any better, the feeling of her hand teasing the nape of his neck sent a new wave of sensation through him. Sensation he liked...a lot. Nibbling at her bottom lip, he coaxed her lips open to taste the sweetness of her mouth and he thanked whatever deity that might be out there that there was nothing wrong with her mouth or her ability to kiss him. 

Dr. Scott, feeling like an intruder, tried to look studiously at Donna’s medical chart. It was either that, or stare at them. He considered just leaving but he wanted to tell them something he hadn’t had a chance to tell Donna earlier, so he waited for them to come up for air. After all, how long could they kiss? 

‘Apparently a long time,’ he thought a minute or two later. He didn’t have all day to wait for them though. Since it appeared they weren’t planning on coming up for air anytime soon, he cleared his throat. When that didn’t work, he cleared it louder. When that still didn’t work, he finally spoke up. 

“Miss Moss? Mr. Lyman?” he said in a firm voice. 

At the sound of Dr. Scott’s voice, Josh suddenly realized that they still had an audience and he pulled away from Donna. When he saw her mouth was wet and her lips were slightly swollen from their kisses, he almost forgot about the audience and went back to kissing her. 

But he wasn’t the only one who noticed they’d had an audience. Between the drugging nature of Josh’s kisses and the fact that she was dead tired, it took Donna a moment to pull herself together, but when she did she laid her hand against his chest. Whether it was to keep her from kissing him or him from kissing her, she didn’t know. 

“Sorry, Dr. Scott,” Donna replied a little sheepishly. 

The doctor smiled in amusement. “No problem at all,” he said as he pulled the sheet and blanket back up to her waist. “I would have just ducked out of here, but I had one last thing I wanted to say. Dr. Chambers and I are so pleased with your progress, Miss Moss, that we’ll be moving you out of the ICU tomorrow.” 

Donna smiled. “Really?!” she asked excitedly. 

He nodded. “Yes really, but since you still need some specialized care, we’ll be moving you to what’s called a monitoring room, which is basically a regular room that’s right next to a nurses station.” He smiled. “You’ll get a little extra attention. It also only has one bed in it, so you won’t have to share the room with another patient, which will be helpful for all the extra medical equipment your condition requires and the procedure you have to go through in the mornings.” 

Donna was still on ‘we’ll be moving you out of the ICU tomorrow.’ She gripped Josh’s hand, afraid she’d hallucinated what Dr. Scott had said. “A regular room...I’m doing well enough for a regular room?” she asked in disbelief. 

Dr. Scott understood her hesitation and he smiled. “Yes, you’re ready for a regular room.” 

Feeling like she’d just won the lottery, she looked at Josh and grinned. “I’m ready for a regular room.” 

He grinned back. “I heard.” 

“Come closer,” she instructed Josh. He leaned in and she grabbed a handful of his sweatshirt and gave it a tug to bring him closer, or as much of a tug as her arm could manage at that point. “I think that calls for another kiss, don’t you?” she said smiling up at him. 

“Absolutely,” Josh grinned as he closed the small space between them and devoured her mouth with his. 

Dr. Scott grinned, he was glad to see his news had been well received. He shook his head ruefully. Well, at least he’d gotten to say what he’d wanted before they’d started kissing again. 

With a chuckle, he turned and walked out of the cubical. 

********** 

A few hours later, Josh sat watching her. It had become his new favorite pastime. Part of him kept waiting to get restless, but seeing her okay and sleeping peacefully gave him such an unexpected sense of peace that he thought he would never tire of it. 

Idly, he wondered if Donna had felt the same thing when she’d been by his side after Rosslyn. When he’d been in the hospital it seemed like she’d been right by his side all the time. He remembered being vaguely annoyed because it seemed like she’d been hovering, but on the other hand and more importantly, he’d been terribly comforted by her presence and didn’t know how he would have gotten through if she hadn’t been there. 

Josh stood and pulled the sheet up a little higher, just enough so that it covered most of her shoulders so she wouldn’t get cold. She’d fallen asleep shortly after Dr. Scott had left that morning. Not that he or Donna actually remembered him leaving as they’d been otherwise occupied. When they’d gotten done with the second round of kissing, the two of them had looked up and found themselves alone. Someone had even pulled the curtain closed to give them some privacy. Josh smiled to himself. Apparently the kissing had drained what strength she’d had left and she’d drifted off to sleep a few minutes later and had been asleep ever since. He could see that he’d have to let her rest in the mornings after ‘boot camp.’ 

As if in reaction to his moving of the blanket, Donna began to move a bit restlessly. Not like she was having a nightmare but more like she was uncomfortable. He frowned slightly when she gasped and gave a little whimper and her hands began moving blindly under the covers as if she was looking for something. Then he realized she probably wanted the morphine button which was laying on top of the covers. 

“It’s okay, Donna. Here it is,” he told her gently. Picking it up, he pulled back the covers on her right hand and laid the button in it. 

Donna clicked the button and opened her eyes. “Sorry,” she said, a tear trailing down her cheek. “It hurts,” she explained. 

“No need to be sorry,” he told her as he gently wiped the tear from her cheek. “Do you want me to get the nurse?” 

Donna felt the morphine doing its job and she relaxed a little. “No,” she said with a sigh. “It’s just going to hurt. Pain and I are going to be old friends before I get better.” She’d said the words without thinking them through first. Donna had tried to keep her comments about the pain to a minimum. With the return of feeling in her body, she knew Josh was aware that she was almost always in some degree of pain. She thought reminding him of it or telling him just how much it hurt would serve no purpose. That was why she’d made everyone promise not to tell Josh how painful ‘boot camp’ had been. He was already so worried about her that she figured he’d only worry more if he knew. 

Taking her hand, he looked at her, his expression soft. “Donna...if you’re in pain, you don’t have to try and hide it from me.” 

“I just...I don’t want you to worry,” she said quietly, a bit more comfortable now that the morphine had kicked in. 

“Hey, I’m your friend and I love you. It’s my job to worry about you...I like worrying about you.” 

‘That is so sweet,’ she thought, making tears well up in her eyes. “I like that you worry about me,” she said softly. “But I worry about you worrying.” 

He grinned. It was such a ‘Donna’ thing to say. “Well,” he said, brushing a stray hair off her cheek. “You don’t need to worry about me worrying,” he teased her gently. 

“But stress isn’t good for you,” she pointed out. 

“Donna, I work at the White House. Stress is as much a part of my day as the coffee you don’t bring me.” He sobered. “I’m fine. Having you in my life gives me the motivation to want to be around for a very long time.” 

She sniffed a little. “Will you promise to eat a salad today?” 

“Yes, I promise to eat a salad today,“ he said with a smile. It was nice that she worried about him too. “Now why don’t you tell me how you’re really feeling today?” 

Tears filled her eyes again. “It hurts,” she said softly. “I know it’s a good thing that I’m feeling again, but I just wish that 90% of what I’m feeling wasn’t pain. I didn’t know my body could hurt so much.” The tears spilled over and trailed down her cheeks. She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. “Have I mentioned how much I hate to cry?” she asked with a sniff. “Sorry. I know you don’t like it when women turn on the water works.” 

“I swear, if you say ‘sorry’ one more time, I’m going to put a jar by your bed and for every time you say the word ‘sorry’ I’m going to make you put a quarter...no a dollar in it,” Josh teased her gently. “You’ll see, by the time you’re up chasing me around again, I’ll be able to buy a new car with all the money.” He paused. “I keep telling you, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for...okay?” 

“Okay, I’m...” she caught herself in the nick of time. “...apologetic,” she said, trying to smile. 

He waved his finger at her. “Oh, no you don’t. That’s not going to work either. Although I’ll give you ‘apologetic’ this time, pulling out the Donnatella thesaurus of words that all mean ‘sorry’ will not save you from having to put a dollar in the jar next time. A jar, by the way, that I have decided to name ‘Josh’s Jar,’ in honor of the brilliant man who came up with the idea.” 

“Namely you,” Donna said wetly as her tears began to subside. 

“Namely me,” he said with a little grin. 

Knowing that she was enjoying having the use of her hands back and doing things for herself, he pulled a tissue out of the box by her bed and handed it to her. She took it and did her best to wipe away her tears. 

Sobering, he took a moment to study her. His heart went out to her for what he thought she must be going through. “You’re right, Donna, I don’t like to see women cry and I absolutely hate to see you cry.” When she started to say something he stopped her. “Let me finish,” he said gently. “I hate to see you cry because it tears me up inside. You’re not one to cry to get attention or to manipulate me or anyone else. You cry because you’re in pain or genuinely upset and it hurts me to see you hurting.” 

He gave her hand a squeeze. “I understand about pain. Pain so big it steals your breath and makes you forget what not being in pain feels like. Being shot in the chest put me on a first name basis with that kind of pain.” He smiled a little grimly. “And...if you’ll recall when I was in the hospital and the pain got really bad and it was just you and me, you know as well as I do that I shed more than a few tears of my own.” 

Cupping her cheek, his thumb brushed at some of the residual wetness on her cheek. “It’s okay to cry, Donna,” he told her gently. “Sometimes even angels need to cry.” 

Now tears filled her eyes because his words had touched her so deeply. “Does that make you an angel?” she managed with a tremulous smile. 

He wasn’t going to let her misdirect him this time. “No, but you qualify,” he said softly as he continued to cup her cheek. 

“Thanks,” she whispered as she laid her hand over his and pressed her cheek into his palm. “And, Josh, you’ve always been an angel to me...my guardian angel.” 

Josh blinked back tears of his own. No one had ever made him feel like she did and no one had ever looked at him the way she was looking him right now. It amazed and humbled him. 

”Then why don’t you tell me what I can do to help make the pain better?” he told her. 

“Talk to me,” she replied. “Take my mind off it. Sit down and talk to me.” 

Keeping hold of her hand, Josh pulled the chair right up by the bed and sat down. “What do you want me to talk about?” 

“I don’t care. Anything. Talk to me about what’s going on outside the walls of this cubical,” she replied. 

He grinned a little with excitement. “There is this thing from work...” Then he reconsidered. “Although maybe it’s not the best subject to bring up right now...” 

Donna was worried for a moment that it was something to do with what CJ had tried to bring up about them and scandal, but the little grin he’d started with seemed to rule that out so she tried to think positively. “No, go ahead and tell me.” 

“Well, because of what happened at the courthouse the President asked Sam and me to light a fire under Congress to try and get them to pass his gun control bill.” He waited to see her reaction. 

“Really?” she asked. “The bill he sponsored after Rosslyn?” 

She seemed more curious rather than upset, so he went on. “Yeah, exactly. See...” 

Donna frowned. “No.” 

Josh frowned right along with her. “What do you mean, no?” 

“I mean the bill is weak, you should try and talk the President into making it stronger or write a new one altogether,” she told him. 

Josh had noticed that, besides making her a little groggy, the morphine seemed to make her either unnaturally quiet or very talkative. “But...” 

She wouldn’t let him finish. “I know you’re going to say that strengthening the bill will make it a tougher sell to the Republicans on the Hill, but Josh we can’t screw around with this, not after everything we’ve been through. We need to get off the pot with gun control. Last time I looked, the old bill doesn’t cover assault rifles, gun shows, private gun sales, and although the reinstatement of the 7 day waiting period is an excellent idea, the stricter penalties clause is all but lip service to the Democrats and will only serve to do nothing but piss off the Republicans.” Finished with her argument, she fell silent. 

Josh had to suppress a grin. God, he’d missed talking to her like this. “How’d you get so smart?” he asked her. 

She blinked at him for a moment. She’d been expecting an argument from him and when she not only didn’t get it, but he’d apparently just said that he thought she’d made a smart argument, it took her a few seconds to catch up. Of course, it could also be the morphine. 

“My guardian angel likes to run off at the mouth and I listen sometimes,” she replied with a little smirk. 

He smiled at her comment. Late one night in his office, they’d talked about the bill and he’d privately lamented its deficiencies. Deficiencies, all of which she’d just named, except for the thing about the stricter penalties clause. She’d correctly drawn that conclusion on her own. He’d also told her that unfortunately, while the bill was less than perfect and far from a wish list of things they really wanted, it had the best chance of passing and it’s what the President wanted to put out there. 

“Everything you just said in your argument was what Ainsley told Sam, so he and I discussed it,” Josh said. He didn’t mention the fight that Sam and Ainsley had over it. 

“And?” Donna prompted. 

“And...we decided that we needed to at least try and convince Leo and the President to strengthen the bill. To put together a bill that actually has a chance to make a difference.” 

“But you said you couldn’t get it passed,” she pointed out. 

“And it will still be an uphill battle.” 

“Then how are you going to sell the President not to take the safer road?” 

“Well, that’s going to be an uphill battle too but I’m hoping Sam and I can change his mind by pointing out a factor that we didn’t have before.” 

“What’s that?” she asked with a frown. 

“The campaign,” he replied. 

“The campaign? But wouldn’t that be the worst time to introduce a tougher bill?” she asked. 

“You’d think so, but actually it’s just the leverage we might need. Both bills would be a challenge to get passed, the new one obviously more so, but with Rosslyn and now the courthouse as prime examples, if the President uses stricter gun control as a campaign issue it would raise the debate both within Congress and among those running for House and Senate seats and it could just be the pressure we need to...” He smiled. “Get Congress off the ‘pot’ as you so eloquently said a minute ago.” 

Donna considered that. “It’s a good idea.” She smiled at him. “Yours?” 

He shrugged. “Well, it’s like you said before...after all we’ve been through I thought it was time we stopped screwing around with gun control policy.” He paused. “You know, oddly enough, getting shot made me want to think about guns less rather than more, so I didn’t care so much when we tried to get this bill passed last time.” He gave her hand a squeeze and spoke quietly, but earnestly. “But seeing someone I love get shot right in front of me, gave me a whole new motivation to do everything I can to see that it never happens again.” 

She gave his hand a squeeze back. “That makes two of us.” 

The two of them sat there quietly for a moment, until Josh finally spoke. “Anyway, Sam talked to Leo this morning in senior staff and he’s got him on board, so in a couple hours, the two of them are going to have a meeting with the President to see how he feels about the idea.” 

“Why aren’t you going to be there?” 

“I’m going to join the meeting by phone,” Josh explained. 

“But you should be there in person.” 

Josh looked at her for a moment. “I wanted to be here with you.” 

She smiled. “I appreciate that, but you really should be there for the meeting. It’s important.” 

“So are you,” Josh pointed out. 

“Josh...” 

He let out a breath. “I’ve also been trying to avoid actually going to the White House.” 

“Why?” she asked with a frown. 

“’Cause it’s like this pool of quicksand and I’m afraid that once I get there, especially after being out for like a week and a half, it’s going to suck me in and never let me out again.” He looked at her. “I also didn’t want to leave you alone for that long.” 

“I’ll be okay, Josh. Nothing is going to happen to me while you’re gone. I cross my heart,” she said drawing a little ‘x’ across her chest. “They’re moving me to a regular room tomorrow and you’re going to have to go back to work some time.” She paused. “It also occurs to me that you’ve never exactly had a reason to climb out of the quicksand before, especially with me standing hip deep next to you, but now you’ve got me here, waiting for you.” 

He smiled at that. “That’s true.” 

She could see that the idea of leaving her still bothered him. “If it would make you feel better, why don’t you see if Ainsley can come and stay with me?” She grinned. “I’d love to get the juicy details about how things are going with her and Sam.” 

Josh hadn’t planned to tell Donna about Sam and Ainsley’s upheaval, mostly because it wasn’t his story to tell, but there didn’t seem to be much choice now. “Um...about that.” 

Donna’s grin faded into a frown. “What?” 

“I’m sure if Ainsley’s available, she’d love to come down and sit with you for a while but....” 

“But?” Donna prompted. 

“Well, I wasn’t sure that Sam wanted me to tell anyone this, but...” He sighed. “When he was talking to Ainsley about the gun control bill, they got into a big argument and they kind of broke up.” 

“Oh, no...” she said with a distressed little sigh. 

“I’m afraid so,” Josh told her. “But in the end it may have been a good thing.” 

“How could it possibly be a good thing?” she asked. 

“Because after talking to him and hearing what happened with him and Ainsley, I’m pretty sure their fight has a lot to do with some unresolved issues Sam’s got about Rosslyn, the thing with his dad and what happened at the courthouse.” 

Donna laid there, dumbfounded. She knew that the thing with his dad’s affair had hit him pretty hard but he had no idea that he was having difficulties otherwise. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah,” Josh said with a nod. “I’ve already made him an appointment with Stanley when he gets here in a few days and told Sam that I’d see to it that he went if I had to drag him there myself. I’m hoping that after seeing Stanley he might be able to work things out with Ainsley.” 

She squeezed his hand. “You’re a good friend, Josh.” 

He smiled ruefully. “I would have been a better friend if I’d noticed he was having trouble before the thing at the courthouse.” 

“Josh...stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault,” she admonished. “You’re helping him now and that means a lot.” She paused. “You know if you’re not careful, I’ll have to put a ‘Donnatella Jar’ next to the ‘Josh Jar’ and every time you blame yourself for something I’ll make YOU put a dollar in it,” she teased. “By the time I’m walking again I’ll be able to afford to go back to college and get my degree.” 

“Okay, point taken,” he said with a grin. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind if I went to the White House for a couple hours?” 

“Yes, I’m sure,” she told him. “I’ll probably fall sleep anyway.” 

“I’ll call Ainsley and see if she can come stay with you,” he said getting up out of his chair. 

“Okay,” she replied. “Tell her we don’t have to talk about Sam unless she wants to. Oh, and tell her to bring a book or something to do in case I fall asleep on her.” Between her injuries and the morphine she tended to fall asleep at the drop of hat, usually when she would have rather stayed awake. 

“I will,” he said with a smile as he walked to the end of the bed and pulled back the curtain. “Nora will kill me if I try and use my cell phone in here.” 

“You got that right,” Nora piped up from the nurses’ station. 

He grinned at the comment but otherwise ignored the nurse. “I’ll be right back,” he told Donna. 

“Oh-kay,” Donna said with a smile as she watched him turn and walk out of the ICU. She took the opportunity to take a look around her cubical and what she could see of the rest of the ICU. It was a little bigger than she’s expected and it looked like there were a couple of other patients occupying some of the other bays. She wondered if they were from the courthouse or from something else. There hadn’t been much of a chance for her to ask Josh about the other victims of the courthouse. 

Just then, Josh walked around the corner and back into her cubical. “Ainsley said she’d be happy to come see you. She’ll be here in a couple of hours.” He paused. “I got the impression she wasn’t sure if she’d be welcome.” 

Donna frowned. “Why wouldn’t she...oh, because of Sam.” Donna realized. “She didn’t know if breaking up with Sam meant breaking up with all of us.” 

Josh plopped back down in the chair. “Something like that, yeah.” 

She watched him for a minute. “Josh, if she and Sam don’t work things out, I’m not going to drop her. I’m going to be Sam’s friend too, but I like her. I may not agree with everything she has to say, but I like her and I want to keep being her friend.” 

“I don’t have a problem with that. I like her too,” Josh told her. “She’s smart and dedicated and I can even forgive her for being a conservative Republican.” Reaching back he scratched lightly at the back of his shoulder. “Most of all, I hope she and Sam can work it out. I think she’s good for him.” 

“Yeah, me too.” Donna watched as he continued to rub his shoulder absently. “Josh, I’ve been meaning to ask you...how’s your shoulder doing?” 

“It’s good,” he replied. “It itches a little, which I suppose means it’s healing. I had one of the nurses change it this morning after my shower. I should get the stitches out at the end of the week and my antibiotics are just about gone.” 

“Good,” she said, satisfied that his own healing from the courthouse was well underway. Physically anyway. Although she hadn’t seen any signs of any emotional problems, Donna was glad that Sam wasn’t the only one who was going to be seeing Stanley. 

Josh stopped scratching his shoulder and leaned back in the chair. He kind of hated to bring this up, but it was going to be an issue soon enough and so it would need to be resolved soon enough. 

“You know, Donna, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about too,” Josh told her. 

She frowned slightly. “What’s that?” 

He let out a breath. “Well, you know that I’ve been dealing with all your insurance company stuff.” 

“Yeah...” she said cautiously. She wasn’t sure if she was going to like this. 

One of the first things Josh and Sam had her do when she could hold a pen in her hand, no small feat with her hand strapped down at her side, was sign over medical power of attorney to Josh so he could take care of any insurance matters that might come up. He and Sam had definitely had plenty of practice after dealing with the insurance companies after Rosslyn. 

“There’s a problem with the insurance,” he said as gently as possible. 

Donna paled a bit as visions of mounting medical bills danced through her head. “I thought you and Sam told me that GW was an approved provider for our current insurance.” 

“It is,” he agreed. “And there’s no problem with GW or either of your operations. You’ll just need to pay your $500 deductible and they’ll take care of the rest.” 

She didn’t quite know how she was going to pay said deductible, but she figured that was the least of her worries for the moment. It also wasn’t why she frowned again. “Then what’s the problem?” 

“Your rehab.” 

“What about it?” she asked. 

“Your insurance is only going to pay for 2, maybe 3 weeks max of in-facility rehab.” 

“But Dr. Scott thought it could take from 2 to 6 MONTHS of rehab for me to walk again.” 

He sighed again. “I know. See, the thing is, and remember that I’m just the messenger here, but you’re doing too well,” he tried to explain. 

She stared at him for a minute. “Excuse me?” 

“I know it’s completely idiotic, but the insurance company reps that Sam and I both talked to say that because you’ve got slight movement in your toes, you’re regaining feeling in both legs so quickly, and the doctor has given you such a positive prognosis that you don’t need more than 2 or 3 weeks of in-facility rehab care. Basically it will be enough to get you into a wheelchair.” 

“And then what?!” she demanded. “I’m supposed to, you know, read a book on how to walk again?” 

“It’s bad I know,” he agreed. 

“We have really sucky insurance, Josh.” 

“I know.” 

“I mean we’re supposed to be running the country and even we can’t keep from getting screwed by our own health insurance companies. First you and now me...where does it end?” 

“I know,” he said again, at a loss for another answer. “We have to do something about health care and you know that there’s no one on board with that more than me, but it’s even a bigger black hole than gun control.” 

She sighed and tried not to let this latest development throw her into a tailspin. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Josh?” she whispered. Then she saw his expression. “Why are you smiling?” 

“Because you’re beautiful and I have a plan.” 

She looked at him for a minute. “Should I be scared?” 

“Nope,” Josh told her. “I even ran it past Sam and he thinks it’s a good plan, too.” 

“Now there’s a ringing endorsement if I ever heard one,” she snarked. 

“Do you want to hear my plan or not?” 

“Yes, of course, I do,” she said. “I’m just...this really bites Josh.” 

He sobered. “You’re right, it totally bites.” 

She let out a breath. “So tell me your plan,” she said with a hint of resignation. Josh was a fixer, she reminded herself. He would do everything he could to help her. 

A gleam of excitement came into his eyes. “The good news is that after you finish your 2 to 3 weeks of in-facility rehab, your insurance will pay for up to one year of out-patient physical therapy.” 

Okay, so that was pretty good news. “Go on.” 

“So all we really need to do is find a place for you to live where you can have some kind of assisted living situation that won’t cost a lot of money while you do your physical therapy and get on your feet again.” He grinned. “See there, I made a little pun.” 

“Very funny, pun boy,” she said, not thinking it was funny at all. “But where am I going to live? My current apartment is not equipped for someone in a wheelchair. There are steps to get inside, there’s no elevator and my apartment is on the third floor. And what about work? I don’t know when I can go back to work full-time. You know I’m a girl on a budget. If I can’t work and insurance won’t pay for me to live in a rehab facility, how am I going to pay for this magical place to live?” 

“I’ve thought of all that...” He paused. “Depending on how long it takes for you to get back to work, you have short term and then long term disability insurance to draw on until you can go back to work.” 

“Which is fine but it won’t pay me as much as I would be making if I was back at work so that will still leave me strapped for money.” 

“Let me finish...” he begged. “You have disability and your health insurance that will pay for GW, a couple weeks of in-facility rehab and then a year of physical therapy.” He paused. “After you finish your in-facility rehab, what do you think about...moving in with me?” 

She stared at him. “Moving in with you?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got a guest room that’s just standing empty. You could move in there.” He squeezed her hand, silently begging her to say yes. “Donna, when I was recuperating those 3 months after Rosslyn you practically moved in with me. Let me do the same for you. Let me help you. My apartment has a handicapped entrance from the back and there’s an elevator,” he pointed out excitedly. “All I’d have to do is make some modifications to the bathroom, add some handrails and stuff like that.” 

“It might need to be there for longer than 3 months,” she pointed out. “There are no guarantees how long you’ll have to put up with me.” 

It could be forever and he’d be happy. At that point, living together, hopefully as husband and wife, was pretty much a forgone conclusion to him. However, he didn’t voice that. He was already throwing a lot at her and didn’t want to completely freak her out. “It will take as long as it takes.” 

The idea was gaining momentum in her mind, but she felt like one of them had to think things through. “But...what about when you’re at work?” she asked. “Even if I am able to get around in a wheelchair, I’ll probably need some help for a while. And how am I supposed to get to my physical therapy appointments?” 

“We’ll hire you a private nurse during the day. I’ll take you to physical therapy or if I’m tied up at work, she can take you.” 

“How can I afford that?” 

“I’ll take care of it,” Josh said simply. 

“How can YOU afford that?” 

“Donna, you know very well that between my own money and the trusts I got from my father and my grandfather’s estates, money is not an issue,” he told her. “I looked into it and it really isn’t that expensive. Plus it wouldn’t be forever. Probably just a couple months until you can get around on your own.” 

“But you shouldn’t have to afford that,” she argued. “I don’t want you to think that I see you as my personal money tree, Josh.” 

He grinned. “What? You don’t like the idea of me being your Sugar Daddy?” he teased. 

“Josh...I’m being serious...” 

“I know.” He sobered. “I would never think that,” he told her. “Please, Donna...let me help you.” 

Donna’s heart was torn. On the one hand she loved the idea of being close to him and loved the way he seemed so excited to have her live with him, but on the other, she didn’t want him to have her there just out of sense of duty because she’d helped him during his own recovery. 

“Josh...I don’t...I won’t be a burden...you don’t owe me for those 3 months...” 

He laid a finger over her lips. “You won’t be a burden and yes, I do owe you. But that’s only a small part of the reason I want you there.” He took a breath and hoped he didn’t screw this up. “The main reason I want you there is because I love you and I want you close to me.” He smiled. “Besides, I need a reason to climb out of the quicksand at work once in a while and having you to come home to is perfect for that.” 

A lump swelled in her throat. He really was being so wonderful. What she’d ever done to deserve him she’d never know. 

Her silence gave him hope and he leaned in to rest his chin on the bed rail. “Well, what do you think?” 

Fresh tears swam in her eyes. He was close enough to touch and she laid her hand on his cheek. 

“I think you really are my guardian angel.” 


	24. Trial by Fire 24

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 24**

Ainsley shifted her briefcase and her purse into her left hand and she swiped the key card through the reader with her right. The light turned green and the security gate buzzed to signal it was open. Pushing it open, she walked through the gate into the small private courtyard of her building. 

It was just after 8:30 pm and she’d just come back from GW and sitting with Donna so Josh could go to the White House for a meeting with the President. During the 3 hours Josh had been gone, she and Donna had a nice visit. Donna hadn’t pushed her to talk about Sam, which Ainsley really appreciated. Donna slept part of time and the rest of the time they talked about a variety of other things. About their childhoods and families, college experiences, Donna’s improving condition, Donna’s insurance problems, and about Donna and Josh moving in together. While Ainsley was happy to see that things with Donna and Josh were going in the right direction, she couldn’t help but compare it to how badly things were between her and Sam. 

Trudging up the stairs to her loft, Ainsley felt like she was about 200 years old. She didn’t think of herself as someone who usually mooned or moped over a man, but this thing with Sam was really getting to her. There was just something about him. Something that challenged her...stirred her...made her laugh...made her sit up and take notice...and made her terribly sad now that it had taken an ominous, if not fatal turn. 

‘Maybe I was too hasty,’ she thought as she unlocked the front door and went inside. ‘I shouldn’t have been so stubborn.’ It wasn’t like they’d never been on opposite sides of an issue before. In fact, she’d argued convincingly enough to have him change his position on two different occasions. What she probably should have done was agreed to help him and then talked it out with him until he came around to her way of thinking. 

After shedding her coat and putting her things down in the foyer, Ainsley walked to the bedroom to change out of her suit. She rubbed her forehead absently to try and ease the slight headache brewing there. 

Why had she just flat out said ‘no’ and argued with him in the way she knew would probably make him mad? It was like Capitol Beat all over again. She’d been out to prove a point and she knew that wasn’t the best way to convince him. In fact, it was exactly the way to NOT convince him. 

Opening the closet, she toed off the white sneakers she’d been wearing since she’d cut her foot and started taking off her suit. 

Maybe it was because this time had been different. THEY’D been different. It hadn’t just been the Associate White House Council sparring with the White House Deputy Communication Director. It had been her, arguing with Sam. 

If she was honest with herself, she had to acknowledge that she’d always been a little afraid of losing herself to a man. Afraid that she’d have to trade her independence, her ideals, her needs, her identity...for a relationship. 

She pulled on her usual winter pajamas, which consisted of a pair of thermal pants and a long sleeved thermal shirt. This time both were in pink and covered with tiny bouquets of flowers. 

‘Why couldn’t he just be a Republican?’ she wondered silently as she sat down on the bed to pull on a pair of white socks.

“Because if he was he wouldn’t be the man you fell in love with,” she muttered. The impact of what she’d just said, or sort of said, washed over. She loved him, she was IN love with him. 

‘Oh, God,’ she thought, as she fell backward on the bed and her heart clenched painfully. ‘I’m in love with, Sam.’ No wonder this thing with him was getting to her. She covered her face with her hands, as a rush of tears began. Now what the hell was she going to do? 

She lay there for a moment trying to find an answer to that question. It had been two days since their fight, and she and Sam hadn’t spoken a word to each other since. It didn’t help that she was admittedly hiding in her office...another point in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue’s favor...it was a good hiding place. She’d still managed to catch sight of him yesterday or his back anyway. Coming out of her hiding place, she’d gone up to see Babbish about something and she saw Sam walking with Toby. Funny how she didn’t need to see his face to know it was him. His walk, the dark silky mane of hair, and the long lines of his body all told her it was him. Even that quick glimpse of him had both thrilled and depressed her. She didn’t think he’d seen her. She wondered if he even wanted to. 

‘I’ve definitely got some thinking to do,’ she thought as she sat up with a sniff and wiped the tears from her eyes. After washing her face, she did what she usually did when she was upset and had thinking to do, she walked into the kitchen for something to eat. 

She pulled open the fridge and peered inside. The only problem was that she hadn’t been hungry for anything since the lunch Sam had brought her right before their fight. She should have known that she had it bad for Sam when two days had gone by and she hadn’t eaten much more than a bagel yesterday and a muffin today. 

Searching the well-stocked fridge, nothing looked interesting so she opened the freezer and checked her ice cream selection. She figured she could manage to at least choke down a little ice cream 

“Good old Ben and Jerry,” she said with a sad little laugh as she pulled out a container of ‘Phish Food’ ice cream and set it on the counter. “You’ll never leave me, will you?” 

Pulling open a drawer she reached for a spoon and frowned as a chime went off, signaling that someone was down at the courtyard gate and ringing her loft. Who would want to see her so late? Laying the spoon on the counter next to the ice cream, she walked to the intercom that was mounted to the wall just off the kitchen. 

She pressed the intercom button. “Yes?” 

There was long pause. “Is someone there?” she asked, trying to keep images of murders and stalkers out of her head. 

“Ainsley...it’s Sam...can I...can we talk?” 

Although the thoughts of murders and stalkers evaporated, Ainsley was then assaulted by a variety of new emotions. Surprise that he was on her doorstep. Terror that he’d come to really and finally end things. Hope that maybe he wanted to work things out. Worry that he’d come to fight with her some more. But the strangest of all was the fact that she wasn’t sure she was ready to talk to him. She thought she’d have more time to do some thinking before she had to talk to him. 

“Ainsley?” Sam tried again. 

She pressed the button again. “Sam, I...I’m not sure now is the best time,” she said quietly. “I’ve got some things I need to get done.” Things felt so raw to her right now, she just needed a little time to get her head on straight. 

“I just need a few minutes,” he insisted. “Come on, Ainsley, it’s cold and dark out here and I’m pretty sure someone is getting ready to call the cops because they think I’m loitering out here,” he joked weakly. 

Ainsley sighed, she wanted to let him in so much. “Sam...” 

“Please, Ainsley,” he said softly. 

The note of pleading in his voice tore at her heart and brought a new wave of tears to her eyes. “I don’t want to fight, Sam,” she said tiredly. 

There was another pause and Ainsley wondered if he’d left. “I didn’t come here to fight, Ainsley.” 

“Okay, come on up,” she said pressing the release button for the gate. 

By the time he’d climbed the stairs to her loft, she’d had a chance to go put the ice cream back in the freezer, and slip into her pink terrycloth robe. Hearing his knock, she opened the door. She felt part of her melt into a puddle when she saw the flowers he held out to her. Rather than being a dozen fussy, ostentatious, expensive long stemmed roses, he held out a huge, bouquet of brilliant gerbera daisies in a variety of beautiful colors. 

Sam stood there feeling like he was holding his heart out to her, rather than a bouquet of flowers. Ainsley looked beautiful and he drank in the sight of her. He’d missed her over the last two days, but hadn’t realized how much until just that moment. He watched her standing there staring at the flowers, apparently speechless. She hadn’t even moved to take them from him. His stomach was tied into one great knot and he held his breath waiting for her to make the next move. 

His heart twisted with regret to see the tears in her blue eyes as she looked up from the flowers she still hadn’t taken from him. Her expression was unreadable and he couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad tears. 

“I just wanted to say...I’m sorry,” he whispered, his own blue eyes suspiciously bright. 

A tear trailed down her cheek. “Oh, Sam...I’m sorry too,” she said with a tremulous smile. Reaching out, she finally took the flowers from him and held them up to her face. Daisies didn’t have much smell but she loved the cool feel of the petals against her face. “They’re beautiful.” 

The knot in his stomach began to loosen and hope began to flicker that they might be able to work things out. 

“So are you,” he said. 

Ainsley felt her heart just melt. Then she realized that she’d kept him standing out in the cold. “Oh, where are my manners,” she said with a sniff. “Come in.” She stepped back out of the way and swiped a hand across her cheek to wipe away another tear that had started to fall. 

He stepped into the foyer and she closed the door behind him. She frowned when she noticed he was only wearing his suit jacket and not a coat. “Sam? Where’s your coat?” 

“Umm...I must have forgotten it,” he said absently. 

As she looked at him, she was concerned to see that he looked really tired. Carefully, she laid the flowers on the end table. “Come on, Sam,” she said gently as she took his arm and pulled him toward the couch. He wasn’t shivering or anything but he was definitely chilled. “Sit down.” 

“I wanted to see you,” he said as he let her push him down on the couch. 

“You’re freezing, Sam,” she said as she pulled the throw blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around him. 

Gently, he caught her wrist in his hand. “I NEEDED to see you,” he told her. 

She sat down across from him on the coffee table and laid her hand on his knee. “I’m glad you came over.” 

He blinked in apparent surprise. “I didn’t think you wanted to see me,” 

“I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me either,” she replied. 

“But when I got here you said you had stuff to do like you didn’t want to talk to me.” 

“I’m sorry about that, I just...” she sighed. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted and I thought maybe I needed to do some thinking before we talked,” she told him honestly. 

“Oh...” His stomach tightened a few notches again. “What did you need to think about?” He prayed it wasn’t whether or not to give him another chance. 

Ainsley wanted to tell him the part where she’d figured out she was in love with him, but the knowledge was a little too new for her to voice it just yet...even to him, so she told him the other part instead. “That I acted rashly the other day.” 

His hand slid from her wrist to take her hand in his. “No...” 

“Yes, Sam, I did. I acted rashly and although I swear I didn’t realize it at the time, I think I did it...I did it because...” She hoped he wasn’t going to hate her for what she was going to say next. 

“Because...?” he prompted. He had a whole lot of things to say about his own behavior, but he was interested to see where she was going with this. 

“Because...unconsciously...I was trying to make a statement,” she tried to explain. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean I still disagree with the President’s gun policy, but normally, I would have compromised or tried to work at making you see what I was saying. After all, it’s not like we haven’t been on opposite sides of an issue before. I could and should have done things a lot differently to help you see my side of it. The problem is that this time I chose the easy way, the way that was trying to make a point just for the sake of being stubborn and not showing weakness.” She paused. “I’ve always been a little afraid that being in a serious relationship would mean I had to sacrifice my own views, my own identity, that I’d have to change who I am and what I believe to make someone else happy,” she admitted. 

Sam felt his heart stop. “You think we’re having a serious relationship?” he said with a little wonder in his voice. 

Ainsley saw the gleam of happiness in his eyes. “Yes, of course,” she told him with a soft smile. 

“Me, too,” he said with an answering smile. 

She gave his hand a squeeze. “So when you brought up gun control, I think part of me felt like you were telling me that now we’re together I had to agree with you on everything and I rebelled at that.” 

Sam blinked again and leaned forward earnestly. “I don’t want you to change, Ainsley, unless you change for yourself I mean,” he said softly. “You’re amazing just the way you are. Aside from being beautiful...you’re smart and funny, feisty and opinionated, and you make me think and you don’t let me get too full of my own self-importance.” He paused. “I swear I don’t want or expect you to change,” he repeated. 

Ainsley felt her heart expand in her chest as a sense of relief and happiness spread through her. “I know that...now,” she said with a little smile. “But the fact that I used that fear against you, against us, is one of the things that I wanted to think about.” 

Sam exhaled tiredly and leaned back against the couch. “Well, don’t think about it too hard, because you probably wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t been such an enormous jackass.” 

“Sam...” Ainsley began. 

“No...let me say this,” he said. 

Seeing how much it meant to him, she gave his hand a squeeze. “Okay.” 

“Let me just start out by saying that you were right and I was wrong, well, except for the thing about extending the waiting period, you’ll never sell me on that,” he said with a little grin. “It was wrong of me to automatically assume that because of what happened at the courthouse you would magically change your position on gun control.” 

“Sam, I’m going to interrupt there, because you’re wrong again. What happened at the courthouse did change my position.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, Sam...before the shooting I was against any kind of additional Federal gun control, I thought it should be left up to the states to decide. However, after what I saw at the courthouse...and I’m sure my father and my brothers will kill me for thinking this, I’m against any kind of weak ass Federal gun control, which is what I think the President’s policy is,” she told him. 

Sam blinked again. “I didn’t know that.” 

“Well, now you do,” she said with a little smile. 

He stared at her. “Josh and I had a talk about it, too. He made almost the exact same arguments you did.” He grinned. “Except for the waiting period thing you said, we both thought that was crap.” 

“Sam...” she warned. 

“Sorry, just had to throw that in,” he replied. “But it made me see that I was being an idiot and you were right. It is a weak ass policy.” He let out a breath and sobered. “It’s just that...well, I’ve been feeling pretty helpless.” 

Ainsley nodded and squeezed his hand, she’d suspected as much. 

“And the President gave me this thing to do...a thing that involved guns, and it became like my holy mission in life. It was like I kept thinking, if I could just get his gun policy passed, it would make everything okay.” He looked at her. “Does that make sense?” 

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “Yes, it does.” 

“I was so locked into that mode I couldn’t see that what I was trying to do wasn’t all that worthwhile. I was trying to exchange doing the right thing, for doing the easy thing.” He paused. “But you know...in the back of my mind I kept hearing these words...words that a really smart woman told me once...” he smiled at her. “She said, ‘Just because something CAN be passed, doesn’t mean it SHOULD be passed’.” 

“Good advice,” Ainsley said with a little smile. 

“After I talked to Josh a bit and I had a chance to think about it, I saw that it really was very good advice,” he agreed. “So while you were trying to make sure I didn’t change you, I was running around like a bull in a china shop for all the wrong reasons. Add them both together and you get...” 

“Our first fight,” Ainsley put in. “I’m sorry I was so defensive.” 

“And I’m sorry I was so stubborn.” He paused. “I also wanted to ask you if you’d help Josh and me rewrite the language for the gun control policy.” When he saw her confused frown he gave her hand a squeeze. “It’s different this time. When Josh and I talked we both decided that the bill should be stronger and that the campaign might be just what we need to get a stronger bill passed. At the very least it will stir up the debate during the campaign,” he told her. “We’re going to be incorporating everything you mentioned.” He smiled. “Except leaving out the waiting period, ‘cause...” 

She grinned now. “It’s ludicrous...so you said. But how will you convince the Leo and the President?” 

His smile turned to a grin. “Already done. I talked Leo into it during staff and Josh, Leo and I met with the President tonight and convinced him. Josh and I can be pretty persuasive when we want to be. The President saw that it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it.” He paused, concerned that Ainsley might have some lingering doubts. “I’ll make you a deal, Ains. Just take a look at what Josh and I are proposing for the new language. If you still don’t want to be a part of it...fine, I can respect that, but if you find that it’s something you can feel good about being a part of, we’d love to have you on board.” 

“Deal,” she said with a little laugh as she held out her hand. They shook on it and a mischievous gleam began to seep into her eyes. “You know, Sam...” she said, brushing a stray lock of hair off his forehead. “There is one good thing about fighting.” 

“What’s that?” he asked with a little frown. 

“The making up,” she said with a grin. 

With a little smirk turning up the corner of his mouth, Sam tugged her up off the coffee table and into his lap. “Oh, yeah? Making up’s good.” 

“Making up is very good,” she said snuggling herself against him. She was so glad to be back in his arms again. His skin still felt a little colder than she would have liked, but she had ideas on how to warm him up. 

Her hands loosened his tie, tossed it aside and unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt. Then she leaned forward and starting at the V of his open shirt, pressed gentle kisses along the column of his throat, making him sigh contentedly. 

Sam’s hands were by no means idle as she kissed him. He’d pulled the belt open on her robe and slid his hands inside and under her pajama top to touch the warm, smooth skin of her back. It was like he’d been frozen and she was the sun sending healing rivers of warmth through him. 

When Ainsley got to the pulse point beating heavy and hard just under his jaw, she took a deep breath of the rich, clean scent of him, then she laved the spot with her tongue to get the taste of him. A little salty, a little earthy and all Sam. She grinned when he groaned a little. 

Moving up, she reveled in the feeling of his hands skimming over her back and her stomach as she planted more kisses along his jaw, his cheeks, his eyes, his perfect nose, but as she was about to kiss his amazing mouth, he turned his head to yawn hugely. 

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s not you, I’m just tired.” 

The moment broken she studied him again. “Sam, you look like you passed ‘tired’ a long ways back. Now you’re heading toward ‘exhausted.’ When’s the last time you slept?” He looked at her for a long moment and she wasn’t sure if he was going to answer her. 

“A couple of days ago,” he finally whispered. 

She wanted to admonish him, but the truth was it touched something inside her that he hadn’t really slept since their fight. “Well, if it makes you feel any better I’ve hardly eaten for the last couple of days.” 

Although he knew it was wrong, her admission made him inordinately happy. It showed him just how much this thing between them had affected her too. “So I guess I’m going to have to feed you then, aren’t I?” 

She grinned. “Tell you what...” she said climbing out of his lap. “You can buy me breakfast.” She held out her hand. “But for now, let’s go to bed.” 

Sam took her hand but didn’t get up. He was too busy blinking. “And when you say ‘go to bed’ you mean...?” 

“I mean sleep, Sam, let’s got bed and get some sleep.” 

“Are you sure?” he asked hopefully. “Because I thought maybe you were talking about doing something in bed that involved, you know, NOT sleeping.” 

She rolled her eyes and tugged him up off the couch. “Yes, Sam, I’m sure I meant sleeping. Because when you and I make love for the first time I’d rather you weren’t exhausted enough to fall asleep in the middle of it.” 

He pulled her close to him and his voice dropped back into ‘bad boy Sam’ territory. “Oh, don’t think they’re much chance of me falling asleep while we’re making love.” 

Ainsley had to swallow before she answered. Oh, how she loved it when he got that tone in his voice. “Well, I’d rather be safe than sorry. We’ll sleep now, and if you’re good, there will be sex tomorrow after I make you that dinner we talked about a couple days ago.” 

He looked down at her and smiled. “I’d like that,” he said giving her a hug. Ainsley slid out of his arms and he watched her walk over to pick up the flowers on the end table. 

“Hey, you know, since we’re just going to sleep tonight, if it would be easier, I could just stay out here on the couch,” he suggested. 

“No, Sam, believe me when I say that couch is really lumpy and uncomfortable to sleep on.” 

“I’d like to sleep with you,” he admitted softly. “And I really do mean just sleep,” he added. “After everything that’s happened, I don’t....I don’t want to be alone tonight.” He watched for a moment. “Okay, that sounded really corny, I sounded like something out of bad chick movie...you know, maybe it would be better if I just went home.” 

Her heart really did go out to him. “No...you will go into the bedroom and get ready for bed,” she told him. “And it didn’t sound corny at all,” she added softly. “I want you to stay. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.” 

“But...” he began. 

“Sam, you’re clearly exhausted and in no condition to drive,” Ainsley argued. “I have a queen-sized bed, there’s plenty of room for both of us.” 

“But I don’t have anything to wear to bed,” he pointed out. 

“I think I have one of my brother’s old t-shirts buried in one of my dresser drawers. I’ll get you that and you can wear it with your boxers.” She watched him for a moment, trying to make sure she wasn’t making him uncomfortable by insisting he stay. “Okay?” 

He loved that she pushed him around a little, but did it for his own good because she cared. “Okay.” 

With the flowers in one hand, she took his hand in her other one and tugged him toward the bedroom. There were actually two large bedrooms in her loft but she used the other one for an office and there was no bed in it. “Feel free to use the bathroom or whatever,” she said, pointing to the huge master bath. “There are clean towels in the linen closet if you want to take a shower.” 

Besides feeling extraordinarily tired, Sam suddenly felt very conscious of the fact that he was standing in Ainsley’s bedroom and was about to take off his clothes. Too bad only sleeping was going to be had tonight. “Thanks,” he managed. 

“You’re welcome,” she said with a smile. “Now, I’m going to put these beautiful flowers in some water and then I’ll come back to find that shirt for you.” 

Thinking that he might need a little breathing room, Ainsley turned and headed for the kitchen. Pulling out a large glass vase, she filled it with water and then began arranging the brilliant blooms into it. 

‘Well, the evening had definitely taken and unexpected turn,’ she thought happily. And now she was going to get to sleep with Sam. Even just ‘sleeping’ with him was better than not sleeping with him. Besides, they’d get to the sex part tomorrow when Sam had a better chance of finding out that ‘what makes her scream his name’ thing. 

Of course, now that she and Sam had patched up things, Ainsley found herself to be absolutely famished, so she pulled a container of cut up celery and carrot sticks out of the fridge and munched on them as she finished with the flowers. ‘They really are beautiful,’ she thought as she set the vase in the middle of the dining room table. ‘Sam has excellent taste,’ she decided. 

Going around the loft, she made sure everything was locked up and all the lights turned off. Figuring the 15 or so minutes she’s spent loitering out in the kitchen should be enough time for him to get undressed, she walked into the bedroom. 

And found Sam sound asleep on her bed, still fully clothed, except for the suit jacket and one shoe he’d managed to pull off. ‘He must have been exhausted,’ she thought as she stood over him. He looked adorable when he was asleep. 

She wondered if their little boy would look the same way when he was sleeping. 

Whoa. Where had that thought come from? ‘Okay, that’s jumping the gun a little,’ she admonished. Maybe it would be better for her to stick to them having a relationship before she tackled the idea of them having kids. Yes, that was definitely a good idea. 

Sitting down next to him on the edge of the bed, she ran a finger lightly over his cheek as she watched him. ‘Such a man of contradiction,’ she thought. 

Boy Scout...Bad Boy...Little Boy... 

Protagonist...Antagonist...Persuader... 

Quiet...Loquacious...Innocent...Seductive... 

And for all those things, she found him eminently loveable. She wouldn’t want him any other way. 

‘And you know...’ she thought with a smile as she brushed a lock of jet black hair off his forehead. ‘We really would have adorable kids.’ 


	25. Trial by Fire 25

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 25**

The apartment was dark and quiet as Ainsley curled up against Sam and the two of them slept into the wee hours of the morning. 

“Ainsley...? No...wait...” Sam said as he began to move restlessly. 

“Sam?” she said, trying to shake off the dregs of sleep so she could see what was wrong.’ 

“NO!...STOP!!...Ainsley!!” 

“Wake-up, Sam,” she told him as she laid a hand on his shoulder to try and shake him awake. 

“...NO!!!!!” he practically screamed as he shot up in bed. 

Sam awoke in the dark, terror coursing through him and breathing hard like he’d just run a marathon. “Ainsley?” he panted. 

Her heart went out to him to see him so scared from the nightmare that she’d apparently had a prominent role in. “I’m right here, Sam,” she said, slipping her arm around his shoulders. 

“Ainsley?” he whispered this time, almost afraid to believe it was her. 

Even in the darkness of the bedroom, she could see his eyes boring into her. “Yes, it’s me, Sam. It’s okay, you were having a nightmare.” 

She gave a little cry of surprise when he suddenly grabbed her and hugged her tightly to him. 

“Oh, Ainsley...I thought...I...they...” he knew he wasn’t making much sense, but it didn’t matter. The feeling of her, alive and well in his arms was all that was important to him right then. The spicy peach scent of her grounded him, centered him, began to pull him back from the darkness of the nightmare. 

Ainsley sensed that he needed to touch her, to convince himself that she was okay, so she just held onto him and rocked him gently, whispering words of love and comfort to him. She didn’t comment on the fact that she felt the wetness from his silent tears on her neck. While she liked that he felt comfortable enough to cry in front of her, she didn’t think he’d appreciate her saying anything about it right then. 

Sam realized that she probably thought he was losing his mind. He released the death grip he had on her and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he was sitting on the edge facing away from her. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly as he swiped his hands over his face. 

She wanted to touch him, but his body language told her that he needed a moment. She also thought maybe it would be easier for him to talk if he didn’t have to look at her. Leaning back against the headboard, she tucked her legs under her. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she said softly. “You had a nightmare...everyone has nightmares.” 

“I have them a lot,” he admitted in a whisper. “Ever since, Rosslyn.” He suddenly felt really stupid. Their first night together and he was already starting with the nightmares. “You know, I think it would be better if I just went home,” he said standing up, still with his back to her. 

“Sit down,” she told him softly but with an absolute steel behind her words. 

“But...” 

“You try to leave and you’ll find yourself on the floor faster than you can say ‘steam pipe trunk distribution venue’,” she told him. That made him turn to face her. She saw the broken look on his face and it made her heart ache for him. 

“If anyone else said that, I’d ignore them,” he said quietly. 

“Yes, but you know from me it’s no idle threat,” she said matter-of-factly. “Sit down and talk to me, Sam.” 

Feeling more weary than he had in his whole life, he sat down heavily on the bed, again with his back to her. They both sat there in silence for a few moments. 

“What was your nightmare about, Sam?” she asked. 

“I...nothing...I don’t remember,” he lied unconvincingly. 

“Please, Sam,” she urged. “It was about me...wasn’t it?” 

“I don’t...” Knowing it would do no good to keep lying to her, he sighed. “Yeah, it was.” 

“Tell me.” 

Although it wasn’t as terrifying as it had been earlier, the emotions behind the nightmare still lingered. “We were at the courthouse,” He swallowed. “In the hall by the courtroom...” He took a breath. “Garcia and the other men came by just like before and I pushed you down as they ran inside.” He couldn’t seem to force the rest of the words from his mouth. 

She knew there was more. “You can do it, Sam, tell me the rest.” 

“There was no shooting but when I went to stand up, you didn’t...” he swallowed the bile he felt rise in his throat. “You didn’t move. When...when...” His breathing had quickened along with his heart rate. “When I turned you over...you...you were covered in blood.” 

She could hear the distress in his voice and she moved over behind him and laid a hand on his back. “Put your head between your knees, Sam,” she said pushing gently against his back. He obeyed her without a protest. “Just breathe.” Soon she felt his breathing slow a bit. “Good,” she said pulling her hand away so he could sit up when he was ready. 

Feeling a little more in control, Sam stared at the wall across from him. “You died, Ainsley. You died because I couldn’t save you.” The words burned his throat. 

Tears swam in Ainsley’s eyes. He felt things so deeply and it immeasurably touched her. She didn’t think that her tears would help right now, so she blinked and took a breath before she spoke. 

“But you did save me, Sam. You put yourself between me and danger. That means more to me than you can imagine.” 

He smiled grimly in the dark. He heard her words and knew that she was sincere, but it was hard for him to really feel them. 

“I feel like I’m falling apart,” he told her. “Like there’s all these things inside me, most of them ugly and angry, fighting to get out. The harder I try to control them, the more they threaten to break free.” 

“Then maybe you need to stop trying to control them.” 

“I don’t know how...” He laughed mirthlessly. He still hadn’t turned to look at her. “And sometimes I think it’s driving me slowly insane.” 

She considered that for a moment. “Sam, I don’t think you’re insane or anywhere close to being insane. I think you just have some things you need to work through.” She paused and hoped what she was going to say didn’t make him mad. “Have you thought about seeing someone who could help you with that?” 

“Funny you should mention that. I told Josh what you said about how much guns had hurt the administration and me personally.” 

“And...?” she prompted. 

“He got a weird look on his face like I’d said something that was particularly illuminating and we talked about it a little. Then I was yelling...” 

“At Josh?” she asked with a frown. 

“Not so much at him, but ‘to’ him,” Sam tried to explain. “I was yelling and he happened to be in the room. The next thing I know he’s ordering me to see the same guy he and Donna are seeing when he’s here in few days.” 

“The guy from ATVA?” 

“Yeah, his name’s, Stanley Keyworth,” Sam told her. 

“How do you feel about that?” 

“Well, to be honest, at first I was mad at him and you for having the audacity to imply that I might have some kind of problem.” He paused. “But now I’m thinking you’re both probably right. I guess I don’t like admitting to weakness.” 

A silence fell between them for a few moments. 

“Control and perception are important to you, aren’t they? I mean control over yourself and the perception of how others see you.” 

“Yeah, I suppose they are,” he said quietly, not sure where she was going with the question.” 

“Why is that?” she asked. 

He considered that for a long moment. Maybe it was the quiet, maybe it was the dark, maybe it was the fact that he felt so comfortable with Ainsley, but the answer floated to the surface surprisingly fast. “My dad, I guess,” he said quietly. 

Ainsley didn’t know what she’d expected but it hadn’t been that. “Your dad? What does he have to do with it?” she asked with a frown. 

Sam was quiet for a long time and she had to resist the urge to say something to try and prompt him. She sensed that he might bury it further if she tried to pry it out of him before he was ready. 

“He’s always been very concerned with how things look. I guess you could say he’s a perfectionist. He’s always set the bar pretty high.” 

“That kind of pressure must have been hard growing up.” 

“You could say that.” Sam chuckled, but it was a painful sound, more akin to sadness than amusement. “When I was a teenager, maybe 15 or 16, I tried to rebel and his solution was to send me to military school.” 

Ainsley blinked at that. Although he had the heart of a hero and a warrior, Sam never struck her as the soldier type. “What could you have possibly done to get sent to military school?” 

“Oh, the usual teenage stuff. I mean it wasn’t like it was drugs or stealing or getting arrested,” he told her. 

“What kind of stuff?” she asked as he continued to keep his back to her. She was really curious now. 

“This is going to sound pretty conceited, but I was cute and popular with the girls and I dated like a maniac, especially the ones that were not quite what you’d call ‘good girls,’ when my dad would have preferred that I’d found some nice girl or maybe the daughter of one of his partners so he could show us off at company functions and holidays. At the time the ‘glam’ look was in, so instead of getting a nice crew cut like he wanted, I grew my hair out, had it cut in a modified mullet and got an earring. I stayed out too late, drank a little too much beer and other assorted alcoholic beverages, snuck out too often.” 

‘And there’s Bad Boy Sam,’ she thought. “What finally made him send you to military school?” 

“There was no straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m an only child and I think he just saw I wasn’t working out the way he’d hoped, so it was time I was someone else’s problem. He doesn’t handle disappointment well, and at that point, I was his greatest disappointment.” The pain and bitterness of it was heavy in his voice. 

“What about your mother?” Ainsley asked gently. 

“My mom? She’s great. Smart and funny and the kindest person you’ll ever meet.” For the first time since he’d sat back down on the bed, he looked over his shoulder at Ainsley. 

“She’d like you,” he said softly. 

“I’m sure I’d like her too,” Ainsley told him with a smile. 

After giving her a little smile, he turned back to stare at the dark wall. “My mom’s always been the peacemaker and the communicator between me and my dad. She took the time to at least try and understand me. I think I get a lot of my skill with words from her. She tried to fight him on sending me to military school, but she also had her role to play as the dutiful wife and he was determined, so that was that.” 

There was a long quiet pause and Ainsley could almost hear the wheels turning in Sam’s head. 

“You know the funny thing is...I think most of what I did was just to get his attention,” Sam said quietly as he went back to the subject of his father. “I guess I failed pretty miserably at that. Although I got a little attention for being in trouble, I go no attention when he shipped me off to no man’s land.” 

Ainsley had to bite her lip to keep silent as tears began to roll down her face. 

“So they cut my hair, the hole from my earring healed over, there were no girls, so dating came to an almost screeching halt, I wore a uniform for two years, and the only time I saw or heard from my father was Christmas and summer vacation.” He paused. The words seemed to be tumbling out of him with surprising ease. As if now that he started, he couldn’t stop. 

“All in all, military school wasn’t too bad,” he continued. “It wasn’t like being in the army or those camps you see for juvenile delinquents. It was in a beautiful area of up-state New York, it kept me busy, and without much extracurricular activities, it gave me time to think. Early on I figured since being rebellious hadn’t worked, I should try towing the line and maybe, someday, I’d do something that would get his attention. Pretty soon it became my mission to fit in and do the right thing.” 

He sighed. “And I got my chance when I got ready for college. My grades had never been an issue, even when I was going through my teenage, rebel without a cause or a clue phase, I kept up my grades and was a straight A student. Since I’d never been in any formal trouble I didn’t have any black marks against me and actually going to well-respected military school looked good on a college application. I didn’t know what else to do with myself anyway, so I decided to go to Princeton and become a lawyer just like my dad.” 

He chuckled mirthlessly again. “Boy, talk about getting attention. Suddenly I was the son he’d always wanted. He bragged to anyone and everyone how his son was going to Princeton and would be a lawyer.” 

“No one was more surprised than I was when I found I liked studying law. I liked the order and the discipline of it.” He paused then and when he spoke Ainsley could all but hear the frown in his voice. “Of course, corporate law didn’t challenge me all that much. What I really wanted to be was a defense attorney, maybe work in the district attorney’s office. I liked the idea of standing up for people that didn’t have a voice.” 

Her heart swelled at that. This was the Hero Sam. The Sam with the heart of a warrior. “You would make an amazing defense attorney, Sam,” she said softly. 

The fact that she thought so warmed a cold place inside him. He was quiet for a moment. “My dad wouldn’t hear of it. Said he wasn’t going to have his son working with the dregs of humanity just to serve some narcissistic need I had. The money and security was in corporate law and I’d be stupid to turn my back on that. He even went so far as to threaten to stop paying for school if I didn’t stick with corporate law.” 

Ainsley wasn’t one to dislike people before she’d even met them but she really began to hate Sam’s father. 

“So, again I towed the line and did what he wanted and I graduated magna cum laude from Princeton.” he sighed. “But somewhere in college I started to grow up and think for myself. Not enough to break with his desire to see me go into corporate law, but I became a Democrat, when my parents were both Republicans. Not out of spite but because I honestly believed in what the Democrats were trying to do. Because of my new found ability to think for myself and my desire to serve, I put off corporate law to work in Congress, which was exhausting but amazing and I loved it. It’s also where I met Josh.” 

“I didn’t realize,” Ainsley said softly. 

He didn’t know if she meant about where he’d meant Josh or his whole story in general. “Eventually, when I couldn’t put it off any longer, I made my father pleased beyond measure when I went to work for Gage Whitney and then met picture perfect Lisa Sherborne and got engaged. All I needed to do was get married and give him 2.5 grandchildren and I think he would have put me in for sainthood.” 

The silence opened up between them again. “So what happened?” 

“Josh happened,” Sam said with a laugh. A laugh that for the first time, held a hint of honest humor. “The big dork showed up at my office with this crazy thing about going to New Hampshire to see a guy that was a waste of time and why don’t I come work for Hoynes because he’s going to be the next President. I could see he didn’t believe in Hoynes and if he didn’t believe in Hoynes I certainly wasn’t going to be able to believe in him. I was already in the middle of something I didn’t believe in, I wasn’t going to trade one mistake for another. As he was leaving he asked me that if he saw the real thing in New Hampshire should he tell me about it. I said he wouldn’t have to because he had a really bad poker face.” He paused. 

“I figured it would be another 7 years before I saw him again. Then, two days later, I’m in the middle of a meeting...the one about the oil tanker...’The Indio’...the one I talked to you about...remember?” 

“Yes, I remember,” she told him. 

“Well, I’m sitting there in this meeting, and they’re just about to sign the papers and seal the deal I so carefully crafted and suddenly I’m trying to talk them into buying better tankers and I have a feeling I was a hairsbreadth away from getting fired...when Josh shows up, dripping wet cause he was so excited about what he found in New Hampshire that he’d forgotten his umbrella and it was pouring outside and he could never remember the name of my firm and he points at his face.” 

Ainsley could hear the grin in his voice and it made something inside her relax a bit. 

“I swear he had the worst poker face on the planet,” he said chuckling again. “The next thing I know, I’ve shoved some things in a bag, I told Lisa I would call her, and Josh and I are on a train back to New Hampshire and he’s telling me all about ‘Bartlet for America’.” 

“What did your father think about you leaving Gage?” 

“Oh, he was pissed...at least until we got to the White House. Once we were in office it suddenly became okay. I became his son who worked at the White House,” Sam commented. “He forgot all about the phone call we had right after I left Gage. You know, the one where he told me I had lost my fucking my mind and then proceeded to ask if I was gay and was doing it because I had a thing for this Josh guy.” 

Stunned, Ainsley gasped. “He didn’t.” 

Sam turned to look at her. “Oh, yes he did. I never told anyone that, by the way, not even Josh, so I’d appreciate it if you kept that just between us.” 

Their eyes met in the dark and she looked at him for a long moment. “Everything you’ve said will stay just between us, Sam, I swear.” 

He watched her for a moment longer and nodded to let her know he believed her. Then he went back to staring at the wall. “I loved working on the campaign. Fighting to put the right guy, the real thing, into office.” He paused. “For the first time, my father was pissed and I didn’t care. Not one bit. That was very liberating for me.” He sighed. “I know he doesn’t realize it, but I think Josh saved my life that day. He walked right into my well-ordered world and opened a window for me to climb out of. He showed me the way out of the life I’d let my father lock me into.” 

“I always knew I liked Josh,” she told him with a smile, even though he couldn’t see it. 

“I guess the idea of towing the line, being in control, keeping up appearances and some stupid need to please my father never really went away. It’s pretty pathetic, I know.” 

Ainsley laid her hand on his shoulder and was relieved that he didn’t flinch or try to pull away. She gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Don’t you dare say that, Sam. It’s not pathetic. It’s a parent-child thing. Children always want their parents’ approval. Even kids that are abused and neglected. It’s genetic...it’s just part of who we are.” 

He considered that for a moment. “You know what the real kicker is?” 

“What?” she said, not taking her hand from his shoulder. She needed to feel that connection with him. Needed to let him know she was there with him in the dark. 

“The real kicker is my father...the one who was always so concerned with appearances and propriety and doing what is expected of you...is the one that had an affair that lasted a good portion of my life.” 

Ainsley blinked in surprise. “Seriously?” The thing about Sam’s father wasn’t widely known. In D.C., the only ones who really knew about it were the President, Leo and mostly senior staff...and Donna, of course. 

“Yep. For 28 years he had her stashed in an apartment in Santa Monica.” 

“When did you find out?” 

“Last year. My mom called and told me they were getting a divorce.” 

“Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry,” she said giving his shoulder another squeeze. She could feel the rock hard tension in his muscles there. She wanted to gather him in her arms, but she was afraid he’d just pull away, so she moved as close to him as she could without actually touching him with more than her hand. She could feel the heat and the tension radiating off his body. 

“God, I was so mad at him,” he said, his voice low and fierce. “Mad at the world. I’d done so much to please him...so much to be like him and...it was all a lie. I never felt so betrayed in my life. I swear, Ainsley, if I’d still been working at Gage, living the life he wanted me to have, I think it would have broken me. I think I would have walked in front of a bus or put a gun in my mouth.” 

Her stomach clenched to hear the words and she couldn’t wait any longer to pull him close. Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around his chest from behind and laid her cheek against the bare skin of his back. 

“No, Sam, God, please don’t say that,” she whispered. “No matter what’s he’s done, you’re still you’re own person with your own special gifts.” She placed a soft kiss on his spine. “His mistakes are not yours.” 

Her words and the warmth of her body against his began to ease the rock hard ball of tension beating at the base of his skull. He moved his arm to cover hers where they crossed on his chest. 

“Josh thinks that what happened with my dad is kind of tied up in what I’m dealing with right now.” 

That made a lot of sense to her and she was even more glad that Sam was going to see the ATVA guy in a few days. “It’s very possible,” she replied softly. 

“Ainsley...” he swallowed before he continued. “Do you think I’d make a good husband... a good father?” 

“Oh, Sam...” she began. She had to see him, had to get through to him. Pulling her arms from his chest, she slid off the bed and moved to stand in front of him. 

“I mean before you said my need to please my father was genetic...what if a lot of other things are genetic and I turn out to be the kind of husband and father he was?” 

Wedging herself in between his legs her body stood a few inches from his. Mutely he wrapped his arms around her waist and let the top of his head rest against her breast bone. 

She ran her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. “You wouldn’t, Sam. You would never be like him,” she said softly. 

“How do you know that?” he asked, hating the tears he felt begin to seep from under his closed lashes. 

Ainsley slid her hand under his chin and tilted his face up toward hers. “Sam, look at me.” 

His eyes fluttered open and she felt physical pain at seeing the wetness on his lashes and face where the tears had fallen. 

“You will never be your father,” she said with absolute conviction. “You’re kind and loving and passionate and dedicated. You have the heart of a poet and the soul of a warrior. In my wildest dreams I could never see you forcing your children, rebellious or not, to be anything but who and what they are.” 

He wanted to believe her...God, he wanted to believe her so much. “But...” 

“But nothing, Sam. You’re someone who’s not above admitting when he’s wrong and learning from his mistakes....and from other people’s mistakes.” She placed her hand on his cheek. “In my opinion, I think you’ll be a wonderful husband and father because you recognize the pain and destruction of what your own father has done and you won’t want to make his mistakes all over again.” She smiled. “But if it makes you feel any better, if I ever feel like you’re screwing up too badly, I promise to do that flipping thing and tell you so. That ought to get your attention.” 

“Okay, I’d appreciate that,” Sam said with a genuine smile and a laugh, feeling the ball of tension finally beginning to ease as he hugged her. They stayed like that for a long moment, just holding onto each other. 

When they finally pulled apart, Ainsley looked down at him. “Better?” she asked as she once again brushed a lock of hair off his forehead. 

Resting his hands on her hips, he looked up at her, his eyes clear and the frown gone from his forehead. “Much...thanks.” 

“Good.” With a smile she slid out from under his hands. “I’ll be right back,” she said as she went into the bathroom. 

He saw the bathroom light go on and heard her rummaging around for something. It occurred to him then that he was sitting there in only in his blue boxers shorts. The problem was, he had some vague recollection of only getting his jacket and maybe one shoe off before he fell asleep. 

“Um...Ainsley?!” he called out to her. 

“What?” she called back from the bathroom as he heard her continued to look for something. 

“I don’t recall taking all my clothes off before I fell asleep!” 

“No, you didn’t! In fact, you only got your jacket and one shoe off,” she called back as she found what she wanted and flipped the light off. 

“Then how...!” he paused to soften his tone as she walked back into the bedroom carrying what he thought was a small bottle. “...is it that I seem to be wearing only my boxers right now?” 

“I undressed you and put you to bed, but didn’t bother with trying to get you into a t-shirt,” she explained matter-of-factly. “Lie down.” 

He studied her for a moment. Dressed in pink thermal pajamas that outlined her petite figure, her golden hair was free and falling down around her face and shoulders. Even in the dark she was so beautiful it made his heart beat fast just looking at her. He had no idea why she’d even given him a second glance, but he was grateful she had. 

“You really are freakishly strong aren’t you?” 

“Why yes, Sam, I am,” she said with a grin. “And you’d do well to remember that. Now lie down.” 

“I’m not having sex with you.” 

“I know,” she replied. 

“I mean it, Ainsley, I’m not having pity sex with you tonight. 

Ainsley rolled her eyes. “Sam, don’t be stupid. No pity sex, I get it. That’s not what I was planning anyway. Now lie down and roll over on your stomach and I’ll give you a back rub. Nothing more. You have knots the size of my fist in your neck and shoulders. Besides, I already told you, sex of the non-tired and non-pity variety will take place here...tomorrow night. I even have condoms on my shopping list for tomorrow...that is unless you’d like to bring your own.” 

He grinned, this woman was a force of nature. “You get whatever kind makes you happy,” he said, slipping his hands around her waist again and moving them down to squeeze her ass. 

“Fine,” she told him, trying not to let the feeling of his hands on her butt distract her. “But I’m getting the big economy sized box and I expect you to do your best to see that I get my money’s worth by using as many as possible.” 

“I don’t know, that’s an awful lot of pressure, but I’ll see what I can do.” 

“That’s all I ask,” she smiled seductively. “Now lie down,” she commanded. 

“What’s in your hand?” he asked. 

“Massage oil.” 

“Does it smell girly or anything?” 

“Define ‘girly’,” she requested. 

“Flowers or something. Anything that Toby might smell and use to torment me.” 

“Well, it’s vanilla.” 

An idea came into his mind. “Do you have peach?” 

She was a little surprised by the question. “Yes, I have peach. I have vanilla, raspberry, grape and peach.” 

“Geez, Ains, what do you have a massage parlor business you forgot to tell me about?” he teased. 

She sighed in frustration. “No, Sam. They came as a set of 4 small bottles. I got them as a gag gift at bachelorette party I went to. See,” she said holding one up to his face so he could see it in the dark. “In fact, I’ve never had a chance to try them out before and if you don’t stop with the jokes, I won’t be trying them out anytime in the near future.” 

He captured her wrist and placed a kiss in the palm of her empty hand. “Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. It wasn’t very nice of me to tease you.” He paused. “But could I please have peach?” 

“Why?” she asked. “Won’t Toby tease you just as much for peach as he would vanilla?” 

“Probably.” 

“Then why do you want peach?” 

He stared at her in the darkness, Bad Boy Sam making a reappearance. “It will smell like you and even if Toby makes fun of me I won’t care because it will be like the scent of you is on my skin.” 

Ainsley felt her breath quicken at the image his words conjured and the return of Bad Boy Sam. Why weren’t they having sex tonight again? Oh, yes, pity and tiredness, right. Focus, Ainsley, focus. 

“Okay, peach it is,” she managed a little breathlessly. “Now lie down on the bed before I have to get rough.” 

She practically ran back into the bathroom. It was easier to find the peach one now that she knew where to look. She was only gone for a minute and when she got back to the bedroom, Sam was dutifully stretched out on the bed. ‘He looks so good there,’ she thought. ‘So right.’ 

“You’re not going to hurt me are you?” he said into the pillow and he felt her crawl on top of him and straddle his hips. 

“I hadn’t planned on it, now shush,” she said as she poured a little oil on her hands and started kneading his neck and shoulders. 

‘Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea,’ Sam thought. He could feel himself getting hard already. Why weren’t they having sex? Oh, yes, pity and sleep deprivation. Just breathe, Sam. At least he was on his stomach so she couldn’t tell how aroused he was getting. 

Ainsley worked on him in silence. Well, she was silent anyway. Sam was making sounds that were anything but silent. In fact they were downright...sexual. Grunts and moans and even a whimper now and again that she hoped were a preview of how he would sound tomorrow night. She was glad she was wearing underwear beneath her pajama bottoms or they’d be wet with her arousal. 

She considered waiting until tomorrow night to say what she was thinking, but she just couldn’t wait. 

“Sam...?” 

“Hmmm?” he said, basking in the magic of her hands. 

“Earlier tonight, do you remember when I said I had some thinking to do?” 

“Mmmm hmmm,” he answered in the affirmative. 

She stopped speaking but her hands continued to work on him and the sounds he was making began to quiet. 

“I realized...I discovered...now please don’t freak out...but...I’m in love with you.” Her hands stilled and she waited for a reaction. Not only was no reaction forthcoming, but he seemed to be resting peacefully and quietly, his breathing steady and even. 

“Great, Ainsley, perfect timing,” she muttered. “You’re supposed to tell him you love him ‘before’ putting him to sleep.” 

“I’m not asleep,” Sam said quietly. 

“Oh...but I thought...you didn’t...oh,” she said, trying not to be hurt that he wasn’t ready to feel the same way about her. 

Then Sam began to twist around so he could turn over. Ainsley scrambled off to sit next to him on the bed. Once he’d turned over, Sam sat up. 

“Come here,” he said in his best Bad Boy Sam voice. 

Ainsley’s heart began to beat a little faster as she moved closer to him. She squeaked in surprise as he put his hands on her waist, lifted her onto his lap so they were face to face, chest to chest and she was straddling him with her legs around his waist. 

Even with three layers of cloth between them, the hard feeling of his erection pressed against her center, made her almost painfully aroused. Her breath began to quicken. “This is probably not the best position for us if we’re going to stick to the no sex thing tonight,” she whispered roughly. “‘Cause God, Sam, you feel amazing and we still have our clothes on.” 

“I know. I guess I didn’t think this through very well,” he said as he kissed her cheek and her nose and her forehead tenderly. “But I was a little overwhelmed by the fact that a beautiful blonde...barefoot...Republican just told me she loved me.” He continued kissing her. “The only reason I didn’t answer right away is because I was giving myself a moment to savor what it felt like to be completely happy.” 

Ainsley felt tears spring to her eyes. “Oh, Sam...” 

“Shhhh,” he whispered, kissing her damp lashes. “I love you, too, Ainsley Millicent Hayes.” He captured her lips in a tender kiss. 

“We may have disagreements...” Kiss. 

“...and fights.” Kiss. 

“...and differences of opinion.” Kiss. 

“...and have to agree to disagree.” Long, heated kiss. 

“...but never doubt that I love you...deeply...madly...desperately.” 


	26. Trial by Fire 25a

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 25A**

“Mmmmm, I had no idea this oil tasted as good as it smells,” she said as she grazed her teeth and tongue across his shoulder and collarbone. “Tell me again why we’re not having sex?” 

Nibbling on her throat and earlobe, he came up for air long enough to answer her. “Pity and sleep deprivation.” 

“Oh, right.” She couldn’t help but squirm against his lap and she grinned when she heard him groan. Every cell in her body was bouncing around trying to get closer to him. “You don’t pity me, do you, Sam?” 

That thing she did with her hips was driving him crazy. “Nope...you pity me?” 

“Nope...” she said as she felt his hands slide down inside her pajama bottoms and under her panties to grip her ass and pull her closer. She heard someone whimper and realized it was her. 

The noises she was making made him grin. “Are you tired?” 

“I’ve never been more awake in my life,” she said, trailing her nails lightly over his back. “How about you?” Playfully she slid her tongue along the shell of his ear and delicately dipped it inside. 

In the past, Sam hadn’t been much for the tongue in the ear thing, but when she did it, it made him moan. “Sleep is the furthest thing from my mind right now.” 

“Thank God,” she said as his hands slid off her butt and up under her shirt to trace the soft skin of her stomach. “Make love to me, Sam.” 

“Ah, a meeting of the minds,” he said as his hands moved to tease the underside of her breasts. “What about the condoms you were going to get?” 

“I’m on the Pill...to help with my periods,” she began. “I didn’t know...I mean...It would be the first...thought we should use them...don’t have to...” She swallowed and tried to move her torso closer to his slowly roaming hands. He hadn’t moved beyond brushing lightly at the bottom of her breasts and it was driving her crazy. She wanted to feel his hands and his mouth covering them. “God, Sam, how can I think when you’re touching me like that?” 

As much as he liked gently tormenting her, he knew this was important so he stilled his hands and let them rest on her waist. “Ainsley...I’ve never had unprotected sex,” he felt he needed to explain so they could move on. “And after the thing with Laurie, during which I only slept with her once and used a condom, I had myself tested and everything came back clean.” He paused. “I haven’t been with anyone since then,” he admitted quietly. 

Ainsley watched him in the dark. Although for the moment she missed his hands moving on her skin, she knew that covering the issue was the responsible thing to do and was another way to show how much they cared for each other. She was glad he had been so honest. “I’ve never had unprotected sex either, Sam, and I meant what I said about the Pill, I take it to help regulate my period. At my check-up last year, everything came back fine.” She laid her hands on his face. “I haven’t been with anyone one since I came to D.C.” 

He laid his hands over hers, he pulled them away from his face and placed a gentle kiss in each of her palms. “So are you okay with no condoms?” 

“Yeah, very okay,” she said quietly as she twined her fingers with his. “I kind of like the fact that you’ll be the first one...without anything between us.” 

Then she leaned in to kiss him. The kiss was slow at first and anything but tentative. With a renewed hunger, she teased his mouth with hers and things between them quickly began to heat up. “Put your hands on me again, Sam,” she whispered against his mouth. 

His hands moved back under her shirt, but this time went so far as to gather the hem of it in his hand and break off their kiss so he could tug it off. 

Even in the darkened room, her pale skin and golden hair glowed with an inner fire. His hands reached out to trace her shoulders and her collarbone and the top of her breasts in a slow caress. “Have I mentioned how beautiful you are?” he whispered as he felt her shiver. 

Ainsley felt her body blush at his words, not from embarrassment, but from anticipation and appreciation. “So sweet...” she murmured with a smile running a finger down his cheek. 

Sam moved his hands where he knew she wanted them as he palmed her breasts, moving over them in slow, kneading circles. The friction it created made Ainsley fairly purr with pleasure. “I like the way you touch me.” 

He smiled as he continued to tease the nipple on one breast and dipped his head down to take the other one in his mouth. 

Something between a sigh and a moan slid out of her at the feeling of his mouth and tongue on her breast. Urging him on, her hand slid into his hair. “Oh, yes...” she whispered. “...that feels amazing.” 

Ainsley was so focused on the feeling of his mouth on her breast, she didn’t feel his other hand slide back down into her pajama bottoms and under her panties. This time he’d targeted the front of her body and not the back. Delicately, his fingers moved past the curls at the apex of her thighs and slid over her center. She was so slick and hot it made him groan and his erection harden almost painfully. “You’re so wet...is that because of me?” 

With a seductive smile, she nodded, “Oh, yeah.” The smile faded as he began to move his fingers in leisurely circles over her clit. Gasping harshly, the sensation shot through her like a bolt of lightning. “Sam...” she panted. “God...” Her head fell backward limply as her body automatically began rocking against his hand. The sensation was overwhelming. 

Continuing to tease her breast with his other hand, Sam pulled his mouth away from her skin so he could watch her. Could watch the pleasure race through her. Slowly, he slid two fingers inside her waiting heat and pressed the heel of his hand against her clit. 

“Sam...” she moaned as she couldn’t help but grind harder against his hand. “You have to stop or I’m...or I’ll...” she swallowed. 

“It’s okay...” he told her softly. “I want to watch you...” 

Managing to lift her head back up, she looked at him. Having him watch her so intently, added a whole new erotic layer to what she was feeling. Without either of them breaking their rhythm she leaned forward and kissed him hard on the mouth. Putting her hands on his shoulders for balance, she leaned back far enough to give his hand room to finishing working its magic inside her and against her clit. 

Feeling and sensation, fantasy and reality, dark and light, tangled inside her. She tried to keep her eyes locked with his but it was too much, too powerful and her eyes drifted closed. Although it tipped forward marginally, she did manage to keep her head up. Then everything was cresting inside her and reflexively she dug her nails into Sam’s shoulder. 

“Sam...” she squeaked, then gasped. “Please...I...you...Yesss!!...Saaaaaam!!” she cried out to him as the orgasm pulled her under like a rip current. The thought of fighting it never entered her mind. Instead she let herself flow along with it and felt like she was tumbling over and over again in pleasurable wake of it. 

He felt her stiffen and he was so taken with the sights and sounds of her pleasure Sam could have come right along with her, but he used the nip of her nails digging into his shoulders to keep him from the brink. His touch against her body slowed and gentled as she began to ease back down. 

“Sweet Jesus, Sam,” she panted, as she slumped forward slightly, letting her head rest on his shoulder. 

He chuckled softly as his hands went around her and he stroked a hand up and down her spine. “Did you know that when you’re really aroused your accent gets just a little thicker?” 

She gave him a satisfied smirk. “Are you making fun of me?” 

“Wouldn’t think of it,” Sam said with a grin. “I’m just saying.” 

“Why don’t you stop talking? I’ve got more important things for you mouth to do.” Her hands framed his face and she leaned in and kissed him long and hard. Her mouth ravaged his, her tongue sweeping inside. 

When she pulled back a few minutes later, Sam actually groaned. “Hey, my mouth likes doing that, come back here.” 

“All in good time, Sam,” she said as she climbed off his lap and stood by the bed to shimmy out of her pajama bottoms and her underwear in one smooth motion. “Right now I’m feeling the need to divest myself of my clothing.” Wearing nothing but a smile, she stood proudly by the bed with her hands on her hips. “Unless, of course you’d like me to put my clothes back on.” 

Sam felt the spit dry up in his mouth. “No, no...I think you should feel free to go with your first instinct.” 

“I had a sneaky feeling you’d say that.” She smiled in the moonlight and moved closer to him. “Speaking of feelings...” she said sliding just her fingertips under the waistband of his boxers. “...I don’t suppose you’d feel like divesting yourself of your remaining article of clothing, would you?” 

“Well, you know how persuasive you can be...” he said, enjoying the touch of her hands on his skin. 

She grinned and held out her hand. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Ainsley Hayes. I’m the one you’re always arguing with.” 

“I thought you looked familiar,” he laughed softly as he took her hand. Rather than shaking it, he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. Then he turned it over to trail kisses across her palm and up her wrist. 

Ainsley shivered at the feeling of his lips on her skin. “It’s the blonde hair...” she said with a swallow. “Donna’s...always telling...me that people think...we look like...each other.” She was finding it hard to speak coherently with him kissing her like that. 

Sam stopped the kissing and stood up next to her. “I’d never confuse you with anyone, Ains.” He ran his hands down her bare arms. “I’d even know you in the dark,” he said softly. “The way you smell, your quick mind, the way your smile lights up the room, the beautiful blue of your eyes.” He brushed his hand over her cheek. “They all make you unique and special.” 

She took his hand in hers. “You say the sweetest things sometimes.” 

He squeezed her hand. “Do you have any idea how important you’ve become to me?” 

Ainsley heart melted. “You’re important to me too, Sam,” she whispered. Pulling her hand free from his, she slid his boxers off his hips, allowing his rather impressive erection to spring free. “Let me show you just how much.” Her hand moved down to wrap itself around his throbbing cock. He was hard and hot under her touch. 

Sam gasped at her delicate hand sliding over him. “Um...” he swallowed. “It might be better if...God that feels good...” he stammered. “...if you didn’t show me like that....or this evening is...going to be...Ains, I can’t think when you’re doing that.” 

She grinned. “That’s the idea, Sam.” 

He swallowed hard and forced himself to gently pull her hand away from him. “Um...as much as I like that...” he said letting out a breath as a little blood began reaching his brain again. “If you keep it up, the evening is going to be over real quick.” 

“But you did it to me,” she pointed out. 

“I know, but women have that multiple orgasm thing going on. I’ve always been jealous of that.” 

She gave him a mischievous look. “I read something about men having multiple orgasms too, Sam. There are things you can do. Books...exercises. I think I can even help with the exercises. Would you like me to help with the exercises Sam?” she asked coyly. “Because you know I’d like you to come....a lot...over and over again.” 

Sam was having trouble breathing. “Oh-oh-kay, so that would mean you’d be like my orgasm Zen master?” 

“Would you like that?” she asked with a grin. “’Cause if you think you might, I think it could arranged.” 

“I think I could get on board with that.” Deciding to take some initiative, he suddenly scooped her into his arms, making her squeak in surprise. “But right now, since I’m still a beginner with the multiple orgasms, I’m going to concentrate on just having one...with you. After all, you did ask me to make love to you earlier, didn’t you?” 

“Yes, I did...” she replied softly as she laid her hand on his cheek. 

Carrying her to the bed, he laid her down and crawled in beside her. They were a mass of hands, tangled legs, and searching mouths as they touched and explored each other. 

“Now, Sam,” she whispered. “I want to feel you inside me.” 

Not needing any more encouragement, he settled himself between her legs. Her hair had tangled a bit across her face and he brushed the silky strands back out of the way. “I really do love you, Ainsley.” 

She framed his beautiful face in her hands. “I love you, too, Samuel.” 

Dipping his head he captured her lips in a deep kiss. He would have liked to kiss her while he entered her, but she was a little too petite for that, so finishing the kiss, he shifted forward a bit until he felt himself start to slide inside her. Her body was a tight fit for him which felt amazing, but it made him go slow so he wouldn’t hurt her. 

“Oh, Ains...God, you feel so good, I’m not hurting you, am I?” 

She knew he would be big and she’d concentrated on staying relaxed as he went deeper and deeper inside her. “No, Sam, it’s amazing...you make me feel...so full,” she whispered. “So incredibly full.” 

Once he was buried to the hilt inside her, he paused so she could adjust to him. He felt her legs tighten around him. 

“Move, Sam, please,” she begged. “I need to feel you move.” 

Slowly he pulled almost all the way out of her and then he slid back in. They built a rhythm together, slower then faster as their bodies moved in sync. Ainsley’s nails nipped along his back as his hands gripped the sheets near her head. The sounds of flesh slapping against flesh, her gasps, and his groans filled the room in their own intimately personal soundtrack. 

“Sam...Sam, I’m going to come,” she gasped. 

“Come for me, Ainsley,” he ground out as he sped up just a bit. Her body tightened under and around as the orgasm ripped through her. 

Between the feeling of her body writhing beneath his and the sound of her calling his name, he couldn’t hold out any longer. His own orgasm exploding through him, as he came hard and deep inside her. 

Still breathing hard, Sam shifted them so Ainsley was laying mostly on top of him. “God, Ainsley...that was...I don’t know what that was...except that it was...WOW.” 

She giggled. “And to think they pay you to write speeches for the President,” she said as she snuggled against him. 

“Sorry,” he said with a smirk. “I’m a little overcome at the moment...I’ll be sure to write a speech about it later.” 

“I look forward to reading that speech,” she said with another laugh. “But you were right about the, ‘wow.’ It was that and ‘oh, my God,’ and everything in between.” 

He kissed the top of her head. “So, orgasm Zen master, when exactly do we get to start on this new program of yours?” 

She grinned and ran her fingernails lightly over his chest. “Well, grasshopper, if sex with you is going to feel like this, I think we should start sooner rather than later so I’ll stop by the bookstore on my way home tomorrow.” 

Sam laughed. “Do you have any suggestions on how I’m supposed to explain to Toby that I can’t stay late tomorrow because I’m taking sex lessons?” 

She looked up at him innocently. “You might try telling him the truth, just to see how much the vein on his forehead can pop out. Plus I imagine he’ll be so speechless it would give you a chance to run out of the building.” 

He laughed, then sighed. “Oh, God, I really am screwed, aren’t I?” 

“Well, Sam,” she giggled. “After all...that is the point of the sex lessons.” 


	27. Trial by Fire 26

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 26**

Donna sat in the wheelchair staring out the window of her hospital room. She wished she could open it as she missed the feel of the sun and the breeze on her face. The window did, however, have a surprisingly nice view of the Potomac. Not that she usually saw much of what she was looking at. In the two days she’d been allowed to sit up in the wheelchair, her mind was usually too busy to actually enjoy the view. There were just too many things to think about. 

There was the original upheaval with Josh before her jury duty. Decorating his apartment for Amy. Jury duty and the trial. The standoff at the courthouse and all she could remember about what happened with Josh during it. Waking up in the ICU and all the time they’d spent together there. And, the thing that preoccupied her most of all, what the future might hold for her and for her and Josh. 

She’d been in the regular “monitoring” room for the last three days and had continued to improve. The feeling in her right leg was almost completely restored, at least according to the doctor’s definition of restored. There were still a number of patches that were more what she personally considered “tingly” rather than “normal.” 

Although she was glad that she had some movement in her right foot and she was able to ever so slightly bend her right knee when she was lying down, it was hard to not be demoralized by the fact that it had no strength at all. To make things worse, while the feeling in her left leg was still slowly returning, it still had no movement, not even in her toes. 

She tried to keep her spirits up, especially when Josh or anyone else was around, but when she was alone it often got the best of her. It was hardest every morning after ‘boot camp’ which left her feeling weepy, sore, alone and discouraged. 

It felt like she was being pulled down by everything, like a ship into a great vortex. She should be happy for all that she’d regained since the shooting. Why was it that all she could focus on was what she HADN’T regained? Even though the doctors had lead her to believe there was almost no chance of it happening, she found herself waiting for her recovery to come to a screeching halt. The phrase ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ seemed be on her mind more and more. 

In her mind, her relationship with Josh had the same problem. Even though he’d been wonderful and had given her no reason to think that there was another shoe, it still gnawed at her. She kept waiting for something bad to happen. Something that would destroy a bond between them that she felt was at once incredibly strong and amazingly fragile. 

She’d finally kicked him out of her room two days earlier under the guise of her improving condition and the fact that he needed to work on getting the gun bill passed and the President re-elected. Unless something important was going on, he still came to see her at lunch and then in the evenings when he got done or could take a break. She’d also managed to talk him into sleeping at home again. 

Compared to their time in the ICU she saw him very little now and while the rational part of her understood that and knew that life had to go on and he had important things to do and she herself had been the one to make him go back to work, part of her missed the large blocks of time they’d spent together. 

Although...since she’d been taken off the morphine drip and she wasn’t sleeping nearly as much as she had in the ICU, she supposed Josh’s constant presence would have gotten on her nerves. At least that’s what she told herself, but for the most part she didn’t believe it. 

On the plus side, with him gone, she didn’t have to put up the front she’d constructed. A front that consisted of a mask that didn’t let him see the pain or the doubt or the worry she was feeling. Part of her felt a little guilty for not being completely honest with him and she wanted to tell him everything she was feeling, but she didn’t want to be a burden. She also realized that if he knew, he’d most likely put off his work at the White House and all the time that had gone in on the gun bill, to stay with her. By freeing him up to be at the White House and not with her, she felt like she was doing her part to get the gun bill passed. It was about the only thing she could do for him from her hospital room. 

Stanley was coming to see her tomorrow and she’d be lying if she said that she wasn’t dreading it. She knew she should talk to him, but she didn’t want anyone poking around in her head right then. Things were still too fresh, too...jumbled up for her to talk about. She hoped she could bullshit her way through it if necessary. The only problem was that after the way he’d dealt with Josh the Christmas after Rosslyn, Donna had a feeling that Stanley had a pretty good bullshit detector. 

However, Donna was glad that he was meeting with Sam and Josh. Funny how the thought of Sam and Josh having therapy was perfectly palatable to her, but when that spotlight got turned onto her, she wanted to run in the other direction. That is if she could run, or you know, walk. 

Sam’s appointment with Stanley was today, in fact it was probably going on right now. Donna smiled slightly at that. Not that he seemed to be in too bad a shape. When he’d been in to visit her yesterday, Sam had been all but grinning from ear to ear. When she’d asked him about it, Sam had told her that he and Ainsley had worked things out, so Donna suspected that Ainsley had something to do with the return of his big goofy grin. 

Josh’s appointment with Stanley was going to be the day after hers. Josh seemed to be handling things all right, but with Josh she always worried. He was a master at hiding things, sometimes even from himself, and she worried that he’d been so focused on her that he’d been ignoring his own needs and his own trauma of the event. 

“Knock, knock...” a voice came from her right. 

Looking away from the window, she felt her mask slip smoothly into place. “Hello, Dr. Scott,” she said with a smile. 

“Hey, Donna,” he greeted. After he’d witnessed her little lip lock session with Josh, Dr. Scott didn’t seem to mind calling her and Josh by their first names. “You’re looking good today,” he said sitting down on the end of her bed. “It sure is nice to see you sitting up. Are you comfortable?” 

She had the crazy urge to laugh at the question. She hadn’t been comfortable since she’d sat down in the jury box the day of the shooting. Between her back, the brace she had to wear, the weird feelings coming from her legs, the catheter, her i.v. and pulse clip on her finger she was polar opposite of comfortable. Instead of telling him that, she tried to shrug like it was fine, but the attempt caused more pain than actual movement, pain that she managed to cover. 

Pain was part of her life now. Even with the pain meds they had given her to replace the morphine, pain affected her to one degree or another all the time now. Only when it became acute or especially severe did she mention it to anyone. It was there in the morning when she woke and it was something she had to overcome when she tried to fall asleep. 

Despite the pain, part of her had to admit, she was a little afraid to fall asleep anyway. It was easier when the morphine and her injuries would basically knock her out on a regular basis. But with no morphine and injuries that were on the mend, she worried that nightmares couldn’t be far behind and they were something she wasn’t ready to face yet. 

“I’m fine,” she finally replied with her usual answer. “I can even do a trick,” she told him. “Would you like to see?” 

“Sure.” 

Donna, whose arms and hands had been resting on the armrests of the wheelchair, carefully lifted her hands and laid them down on the top of the wheels. Closing her hands around both wheels, she took a breath. Now comes the hard part. As she held the right wheel still, she very slowly and not without a good deal of fresh pain rippling through her, managed to push the left wheel far enough forward to turn the wheelchair toward him so that now she was almost facing him. 

“Ta-da....” she said gingerly returning her hands to the arm rests. 

Dr. Scott smiled. “Very good, Donna. How’s the pain level when you do that?” 

“It hurts a little,” she admitted. “And it’s a little frustrating because I can’t move them quite as well as I used to.” 

“I can imagine,” he said with a nod. “But your arms will get stronger, I promise. It will just take some time,” he told her. “A number of muscles in your back had to be retracted or cut for us to reach your spine and then reattached. Most people don’t realize that those muscles give your shoulders the strength to lift your arms and to push and pull. It will take time for that to heal. Your physical therapy will also help with that.” 

“Actually, Dana mentioned something about that,” she replied, referring to her physical therapist. “And she’s already gotten me started on some exercises,” she told him. 

“Good,” he said. Glancing around the room, he turned back to Donna. “It seems so strange not to see your shadow here.” 

“Josh?” Donna asked. Dr. Scott nodded. “I kicked him out so he’d go back to work.” 

Dr. Scott grinned. “He was getting on your nerves, huh?” 

Her mask smiled and she hoped it was convincing. “Something like that,” she said. “Actually he should be here in an hour or so. He always comes by to see me after lunch.” 

“Well, be sure to tell him that I think Nora misses him...or misses harassing him anyway,” he told her. 

“I’ll tell him,” she said with a half smile that almost reached her eyes. 

He smiled and pulled out her medical chart. “Okay, time for some business.” His eyes scanned the chart. “How are the new pain meds working out?” 

“Fine,” she told him. 

“Is the current dosage managing the pain all right or do I need to up the dosage?” 

The idea of ‘managing the pain’ had become kind of relative to her by then. Even the morphine, about the strongest thing they had, hadn’t killed the pain. It had partially deadened it and then made her not care about the rest. It wasn’t like having a minor headache you took an aspirin for and it went away. It was more like a flaming migraine that you took something for and prayed that you’d survive it. 

“I know pain is just going to be part of my day for a while,” she told him. “I’m a little worried about taking too much medication.” 

“Donna, we may not be able to completely erase the pain, but if you’re suffering then we need to up your medication or switch you to something else that might work better,” he looked at her. “Keeping you as comfortable as possible is important. If you’re in a lot of pain, it’s going to tighten up your muscles and the stress is the last thing you need right now.” 

She had to admit, he made some good points. “Well...” she began a little sheepishly. “The pain has been a little more worse than I’d hoped it would. It’s been hard to fall asleep and it’s tough to get anywhere near comfortable.” 

“Good,” he smiled at the dubious look she gave him. “Well, not good, but I’m glad you told me.” He made a notation on her chart. “I’m going to have the nurse switch out your pain meds for something I think might work better. It should also help relax you a bit too.” 

“Okay, that sounds good,” she told him. 

“Now, how are you sleeping?” 

“Like I said, the pain has made it a little difficult. Since I’m in traction at night, it can also be hard to get comfortable. I’ve been trying to get in a nap during the afternoon between Josh’s visits, but it usually turns out to be more of a case of me laying there with my eyes closed than actually sleeping.” 

He considered that. “Well, let’s see how you do tonight with the new pain meds. Like I said the medication I’m prescribing should also help relax you. As a matter of fact it will probably make you a little drowsy. That coupled with hopefully less pain should help you sleep a little easier. If you’re still having trouble when I come by tomorrow, we’ll try an additional medication to help you sleep.” 

“All right,” she agreed. 

He went on with his next question. “Any nausea?” 

“No, but I’m not really hungry either, which I suppose is a plus since I’m not eating yet anyway.” 

He closed the chart. “Actually that’s one of a number of things I came to talk to you about.” 

He hoped she was ready for everything he planned to tell her. He could have told her earlier in her recovery, but wanted to wait until she’d recovered sufficiently. Her paralysis had been enough of a hurdle in the beginning. Hopefully, the fact that her paralysis was steadily getting better would mean she could handle some of the other realities, whether they be temporary or permanent, of her condition. 

His words mildly piqued her interest. “Oh?” 

“Tomorrow we’re going to start weaning you off i.v. feedings and put you back on solid foods.” 

“Really?” It surprised her, but pleasantly so. 

“Well, it’s not solid foods as much as broth and Jell-O, but yes. Dr. Chambers and I think that your intestinal injury has healed enough to try ingesting something. We’ll see how that goes and how your intestines and bowel react.” He watched her for a moment. “There may be a little discomfort as things begin to function again, but it shouldn’t hurt. If it does hurt you need to tell the nurse right away.” 

‘Oh, good, another pain or ‘discomfort’ to add to the list...Wait...’ she thought with a frown. “Bowel? But how...?” She didn’t know quite how to phrase the question. She was well aware that she had a urinary catheter and to be honest, with her being on intravenous feedings she hadn’t had to worry about...other things. 

“We need to find out how much feeling and control you’ve regained in your abdomen. Urinary and bowel incontinence are often complications with spinal injuries. So we’ll be removing the urinary catheter and basically you’ll get a bathroom schedule and at set times throughout the day the nurse will help you sit on the toilet and...” 

Donna held up her hand. “I get the picture.” And what a lovely picture it was. Resigned, she laid her hands in her lap and tried not to let herself feel discouraged. 

“But be sure you don’t strain,” Dr. Scott continued. “Given what we’ll be feeding you, it shouldn’t be a problem, but if you strain too hard, you could re-injure your intestinal injury.” 

It was on the tip of her tongue to ask what would have to happen if it was a problem, but decided that she’d just cross that bridge when she came to it. Ignorance was bliss at that point. 

Donna frowned again and this time couldn’t help but ask the question. “What about...in between? What if I have an...accident or something?” 

“You’ll be wearing an absorbent undergarment to protect against that,” he answered matter-of-factly. 

“What you mean is, I’ll be wearing a diaper,” she clarified. Again, things continued to get better and better. “But it’s only temporary, right?” 

“We’ll see how it goes,” he answered enigmatically. “We will monitor you for the next few days until we can assess the level of control you have, then proceed from there,” he told her. “Since your diet will be severely limited for the remainder of your stay with us, we will also continue to supplement your medications with vitamins and fluids.” 

Donna merely nodded mutely. 

Apparently, her silence concerned him because he watched her for a moment with a small frown. “Donna...I’m not going to lie to you. Even if you do walk again, which I fully expect, you may still have some lingering side effects from your injuries.” 

“I guess I just didn’t realize,” Donna said more calmly than she felt. “What can I expect? Worst case?” ‘Might as well get it over with now,’ she thought. 

“Well, it’s different for each person. But as I said, urinary and bowel incontinence are often complications with spinal injuries. The nerves and sensations that control them and the urge to urinate and defecate don’t always come back to full strength,” he explained. “That coupled with your intestinal injury will mean that you’ll have to adhere to a very specialized diet, even after you leave here. Probably for the next six months to a year and then we’ll...” 

“Proceed from there?” Donna answered smiling. Josh would have recognized the smile as an “I’m about to hit you if you say that one more time” look, but the doctor of course didn’t know her that well. He just thought she was being a little sarcastic. 

“Yes,” he said with a little grin. “I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record. As I’ve said almost everything I’m talking about will depend on how your body recovers.” 

“Is that all? Just urinary, bowel and intestinal problems?” she asked. Because, you know, that wasn’t already enough to process. 

He looked at her for a moment. “Well, I think I’ve already told you that you may have some lingering pain and weakness in your back or legs, especially on your left side and especially when you’re tired. Because we fused three of your vertebra together you won’t be quite as flexible as you once were, although I doubt you’ll notice it in your everyday activities.” He paused. “There is also a potential for sexual dysfunction.” 

“What? What do you mean?” Donna asked with a frown. That aspect hadn’t even occurred to her. 

“It tends to effect men with spinal injuries more than women, but just like some muscles and sensations for urinary and bowel control don’t come back to normal, some genital muscles, nerves and sensations don’t come back all the way either. In men it can manifest itself in the inability to have or maintain an erection or achieve an orgasm. Because sexual response in women is a bit more complicated, the potential problems are not as clear cut. It could be as simple as partial reduction in genital sensation, but it can also mean that arousal and orgasm can be harder to achieve.” He paused. 

Donna didn’t even notice her hands clenching into fists as she tried to take it all in. She thought of Sam’s big goofy grin from being with Ainsley and suddenly wondered if she’d ever put one like it on Josh’s face or if she did, would she get any pleasure out of it, beyond pleasuring him, of course. 

Valiantly, her mask stayed firmly in place, betraying nothing. “Does it affect my period, too?” she asked. “If I remember right, I should have started by now.” 

“Oh, yes, with a traumatic injury like this it’s very common to have menstrual periods stop for a time or be very irregular. Often the body will ‘circle the wagons’ so to speak and will close down what it sees as secondary body functions. Plus the medications, especially the steroids, we’re giving you can also disrupt your normal menstrual cycle.” 

“I see,” she replied. ‘Well, not having my period could be one thing on the plus side,’ she added silently. 

Dr. Scott continued. “Which brings me to the other possible complication you could have and that’s infertility. As I’m sure you can understand, that no periods basically means little or no fertility and even after periods return there can still be problems conceiving. Spinal injuries can have a lasting affect on fertility, in both men and women, although in women it can usually be compensated for with fertility medications and procedures like in vitro fertilization.” He paused. 

“Even if fertility is not a problem, pregnancy can be a bit more uncomfortable than normal. Usually there’s higher levels of back pain and getting tired, sore and stiff more easily.” 

Donna had nothing to say in reply. She merely sat there staring at him in case he had any more gems to tell her. 

The doctor began to wonder if she’d been ready to hear all that or not. Her smile looked placid and calm but in her eyes he saw something...something he couldn’t quite put a name too. He felt the need to try to soften the picture he’d just painted. 

“That’s just worst case, of course,” he told her quickly. “Like I said it will just depend on how your body responds.” 

Donna was still silently watching him. 

For some weird reason Dr. Scott had the urge to squirm. “Your progress is coming along so well, though...that is....I don’t expect you to have any major problems...not like those I just...I mean, I can’t promise...there always the chance there could be some kind of nerve damage...” His voice trailed off. 

Donna realized that she had to say something or the doctor was going to start looking at the mask a little closer. “Is there anything else I should know about?” she asked calmly. 

‘Please say, no,’ she mentally pleaded. She didn’t think she could hear anything else...actually she didn’t think she could hear what she already had. The words circled around and around in her head. When they settled, they’d form a picture she didn’t want to see. 

“Um, no I think that’s everything,” he told her. “Unless you have any questions...” 

“No, no questions. You were very thorough, Dr. Scott,” she told him quietly. “Thank you, for your honesty.” 

He stood up, feeling relieved that she was going to let him go. He liked this young woman very much and was thrilled with her recovery, but the calm, pleasant stare she’d been giving him for the last few minutes had been a little creepy...a little too much like something from “The Stepford Wives” or, in this case, “The Stepford Patient.” 

“Um...Donna, you know, I’m a doctor...a surgeon, I take care of the physical part of your recovery, but sometimes there is an emotional recovery that needs to happen too. With a spinal injury there is a lot of adjustment to be made and not all the trauma is physical.” 

She stared at him for a moment and considered just shrugging off his comments and concern, but Dr. Scott really had been kind and he was only trying to help. “Actually I’m seeing someone tomorrow,” she admitted. “He’s a therapist from the American Trauma Victims Association.” 

“Oh, I’ve heard of ATVA. He must be top in his field, I understand that they only use very talented people,” Dr. Scott nodded approvingly. 

Donna was quiet for a moment. “Yes, he’s very good. He helped a friend of mine.” 

Dr. Scott felt a little better knowing that she was going to be see someone who could help her in ways he couldn’t. 

“Good,” he said with a sincere smile. “Well, I better be going,” he laid his hand on her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re doing so well,” he said honestly. “Give Josh my regards.” 

“I will. Thank you Dr. Scott,” she replied. He turned and started for the door but she stopped him just before he walked out. “Dr. Scott?” 

He turned. “Yes, Donna?” 

“Could you ask someone to come in and help me? I’d like to get back into bed,” she asked. 

It was no small feat getting her in and out of bed. Because she couldn’t do much to help, it usually took a couple of nurses or a nurse and an orderly. It could also be rather time consuming. With her i.v., brace, catheter and monitoring equipment getting her settled in a bed or in a chair took about 10 minutes. The fact that it would also be painful was a given. 

“Of course,” he said kindly. “I’ll let the nurse know.” Donna nodded and gave him a small smile that she hoped transmitted her thanks to him as he turned and walked out into the hall. 

Shoving the thoughts his words had stirred up out of her mind, Donna unclenched her hands so she could move them to the wheels and move the wheelchair again. She stopped when she felt her hands sting slightly. Looking down, she examined them. Small, crescent-shaped gouges dotted the skin on her palms, a couple of them were even dotted with a little blood. 

‘How on earth...?’ she wondered. The she saw the blood tipping the ends of a couple of her fingernails and she realized that she must have clenched her hands so tightly that she’d drawn blood. She had no recollection of doing it though, and was surprised that she even had enough strength in her hands to grip that hard. 

‘Okay, this might be something best NOT mentioned to Stanley,’ she thought. 

If this had happened before the shooting, she would have just rinsed them off and maybe put a little Bactine on them and no one would have been the wiser. But since she didn’t think she’d be able to wheel herself all the way across the room to her bathroom and reach up to turn on the faucet that wasn’t really an option. 

At first, she considered not telling anyone. Maybe she could just wipe the blood off with a tissue. The cuts weren’t that deep and there wasn’t that much blood, but then what would she do with the bloody tissue? Or what if she just did nothing? 

It occurred to her that when Josh came to see her, he’d want to hold her hand and although he might not look at her palms before he did, if he came away with blood on his hands or felt the dried or drying blood on hers, he would very likely make a big deal out of it and a little problem would be a big problem. 

With a sigh, she faced the fact that she was going to have to ask someone for help. Maybe when the nurse or whoever came to get her back into bed, she could ask for them to wash her palms and just not put any bandages on them. They’d probably ask how she’d cut herself and she wasn’t sure how she’d answer that. Then again, from the shape and site of the injury, they’d probably be able to tell exactly how she’d done it. 

She wondered if they’d believe that she was testing to see how strong her grip was and didn’t know her own strength. Yeah....probably not. 

Doing her best to avoid touching her palms to the wheel, Donna worked painstakingly to get the wheelchair into the position she knew was best for helping the nurses get her back into bed. With Josh coming in the next hour or so, she thought it would be the best place for her. The bed was a little more comfortable than the chair, comfortable being a relative term, and he’d already seen her sitting in the wheelchair. 

>From her new position by the bed, Donna could still see part of the view out her window and it set her mind to thinking. Not specifically about what Dr. Scott had said or even about her hands, but about the fact that she suddenly missed Josh desperately. The need to see him took on a new urgency. It wasn’t that she planned to tell him about her discussion with Dr. Scott, except maybe in the sense that he’d said she would be starting on ‘solid’ food again...Josh would be happy to hear about that, but what she really needed was just to see Josh, to hear his voice and let his presence settle her...center her. Let him chase away her doubts and fears for just a little while. 

Sometimes just being with him did more to recharge her spirits and her batteries than the sleeping she hadn’t been able to do much of. He’d tease her or tell her about his day or kiss her and for just a moment, one glorious moment, she could let herself think that they were a normal, average couple. 

Just then, from its place buried somewhere in the blanket covering her lower half, her cell phone began to ring. She assumed it was Josh or maybe Sam. 

About the time she’d been moved out of the ICU, Sam had shown up with her purse and other things from the courthouse, including her cell phone. Because the phone on her bedside table was all but impossible for her to reach, when Josh had gone back to work, he’d asked her to keep her cell phone with her so he could call and check on her. 

With a genuine smile, Donna fished the phone out from under the blanket and saw it was indeed Josh’s cell phone calling her. “Hey,” she greeted him. 

“Hi there, Jamie Sommers,” he teased her with a smile in his voice. “How’s my favorite Bionic Woman today?” 

“Good,” she said with a grin. “Better now that you called.” 

“It’s nice to be appreciated,” he told her. 

She could hear him shuffling some papers and figured he must be sitting in his office trying to get some work done. “You’re definitely appreciated,” she told him. “Oh, Dr. Scott was just here.” 

“Really? What’d he say?” Josh asked. 

She chose her words carefully here. “That I’m doing great...” 

“Well, I didn’t need him to tell me that, you were already great to me,” he replied. 

She grinned again. “Rack another brownie point up for you,” she told him playfully. “He also had a little surprise for me,” she said, referring to the solid foods thing. 

“A surprise? Should I be scared?” he replied. 

“Nope, it’s good news.” 

“Well, then don’t keep it a secret, come on, share it with me,” he urged. 

“I don’t think so,” she teased. “I think I’ll just make you suffer and wait until you get here after lunch.” There was a pause at the other end of the phone. “Josh...?” she prompted. She heard him sigh before he spoke. 

“I’m sorry, Donna, that’s why I’m calling. Well, that and the fact that I missed hearing your voice,” he told her. “I can’t come and see you this afternoon.” 

Donna felt her heart and her hopes plummet into her feet, no small thing since feeling her feet at all was a hit and miss prospect. “Oh, well, I know you’ve been busy catching up,” she said as the mask slid back down into place again. All except the tear that managed to slip out before it was fully engaged. “It’s fine, no reason to be sorry.” 

“Well, I’m sorry anyway,” he told her honestly. “Leo just told me that he booked a meeting for me on the Hill with the Democratic Leadership. I tried to get him to reschedule, but the leadership said today was the only day they could do it. I would have tried to get him to send Sam or someone else because I’d rather come and see you than try to deal with our bickering, holier-than-thou Democratic Congressional brethren, but it’s important. They want to discuss the gun bill.” He paused. “I really am sorry. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all morning.” 

“Josh, seriously, it’s not a problem,” she said. “I want to see you too but you’re right, the gun bill is important and it should be your priority right now.” 

“Donna, you’re my priority,” he told her softly. “Don’t forget that.” 

His words made her mask slip for a moment, long enough to let another tear fall down her cheek. But she took a breath and it slid back into place. “Thank you, Josh. That was very sweet.” She paused to take another silent, steadying breath. “But you know what I mean. The gun bill is very important. So, go to the meeting and...do good, okay?” 

“Okay,” he said and she could almost hear him grinning. “I’ll do my best and I will definitely be there to see you tonight. Probably around 6, you can tell me your surprise then.” 

“That sounds great, Josh,” she replied. “Hey, Josh, I have to go, they’re here to put me back in bed,” she lied. She was still sitting all alone in her room, but if she talked to him much longer the mask was going to disintegrate faster than Pop Rocks in a mouthful of Pepsi. “And you need to get ready for your meeting.” 

“Okay, tell them to be careful with you or I’ll sue their asses,” he said with a smile in his voice. “I’ll see you tonight...I love you,” he added softly. 

The love in his voice made her mask threaten to disintegrate even faster. “I love you, too, Josh.” 

“Bye,” he whispered. 

She replied in kind and they hung up. Sitting there quietly she stared down at the phone and didn’t even realize she was crying until the salty drops started landing on the phone. Lifting her head to face the window again, she stared back out at the partial view of D.C. as the tears continued. 

Being so upset about him not coming to see her after lunch was completely irrational, she knew that. If she’d said she needed him right then, she knew, or thought she knew, that he would have dropped everything and come right over, but she also knew he was an important guy with an important job. 

Well, her head knew all those things. Her heart was still working on the simple fact that he wasn’t coming. 

As she sat there and the silent tears fell harder, she wondered if this would be her life. Josh off working on important things, while she sat alone in a wheelchair, worrying about walking and eating, medication and incontinence, sex and infertility. 


	28. Trial by Fire 27

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 27**

The next day, Josh stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for Donna’s floor. It was only about noon and he’d come to see her a little earlier than usual for a number of reasons. 

Stanley was coming to see Donna today, in fact he’d taken Josh’s usual “after lunch” spot and would probably be there a good chunk of the afternoon. That obviously meant Josh wouldn’t be able to come at his regular time and he just couldn’t wait until evening to see her. Yesterday had been torturous for him. Although he thought that he’d managed to hide it from the Democratic Leadership, his mind had been totally preoccupied with Donna during the entire meeting and he’d felt really terrible for breaking their usual “after lunch date.” He didn’t want to make a habit out of breaking a date with her. He’d turned over a new leaf where Donna was concerned and had vowed to himself not to make the same old mistakes. 

In the past, he might not have thought much about breaking a date. His avoidance of Amy ever since the shooting was a perfect example. He grimaced slightly. He was going to have to deal with her...soon. Between Donna and the White House, he’d just had too much on his mind to break things off with her or, more precisely, tell her that he’d already broken things off with her. Avoiding her calls to his cell and having the temp they’d given him, a surprisingly capable young guy named Alan, screen his calls wasn’t going to work much longer. 

After almost two weeks, he’d hoped that she would get the idea and go away on her own. However, given the fact that she’d left him a number of messages that had gotten progressively more terse in the last week, he was pretty sure she wasn’t going anywhere. In fact, he suspected that if he didn’t deal with her in the very near future she was going to show up at his apartment or even at work and force him to deal with her. 

As the elevator reached her floor, Josh stepped out and walked toward her room. He sighed and shoved away any more thoughts of Amy. Donna was now his priority and she would be his priority from now on. 

Another reason he was here so early was that after visiting her last night, he was a little worried about her. She’d been excited at the prospect of getting to go back on solid food...well, she seemed to be excited, for some reason he had the feeling there was something there she wasn’t telling him, but he couldn’t imagine what it could be and he didn’t want to push her on it. Not yet anyway, he knew she had enough things on her mind. In any case, he was excited for her too. Solid food was one step further in her recovery. 

Then there was the fact that she’d told him she was nervous about her meeting with Stanley. Josh could definitely empathize with that, he himself wasn’t exactly jumping up and down with glee at seeing Stanley, but he recognized that it was something he needed to do. He hadn’t been joking when he’d told Sam that having a session with Stanley was like having someone pick through your brain with dental pick and jack hammer. He could see why a ‘first timer,’ especially one like Donna who knew some of Josh’s past experience with Stanley, would be apprehensive. Consequently, Josh wanted to be there to reassure her and be as supportive as he could, it was also why he hadn’t pushed her to talk about whatever he thought she might be holding back with the idea of going back to solid foods. Stanley would probably do enough prying for the both of them. 

Arriving at her room, he stepped through the open door. Donna was sitting up in bed, just about as high as the head of the bed would go, and was apparently watching something on TV. It still made him happy to see her sitting up. 

“Hey,” he said as he walked in. 

“Josh...? Hi...” she said with a surprised smile. “What are you doing here? With Stanley coming in a bit, I didn’t expect to see you until tonight.” 

Dropping his backpack on a nearby chair, he walked over to her. Leaning forward, he slid his arms carefully around her shoulders and gave her a gentle hug. Getting to hug her again, was something else that still made him happy. “That’s why I came over early,” he said against her hair. Then he pulled back and gave her a tender kiss on the lips. “I couldn’t wait until tonight to see you and I thought I’d wait with you until Stanley got here.” He looked at her and brushed a stray hair from his face. “I hope that’s okay.” 

As he pulled his hand away from her face, she reached out and took it in hers. “It’s very okay,” she told him. “I’m really glad you’re here.” 

“How’d you sleep last night?” he asked, knowing they started her on new pain meds yesterday. Yesterday, when she’d told him that she’d had trouble sleeping he’d been a little annoyed that she’d been keeping it from him, but he was glad she had told him and forced himself not to give her a lecture about it. 

“Better,” she told him honestly. “The new meds are helping the pain and they make me just sleepy enough I’m not so restless.” 

The news definitely made him happy. “That’s great, I’m glad to hear it,” he told her with a smile and a squeeze of her hand. “So is this your lunch?” He asked, indicating the lunch tray that sat untouched in front of her. Well, ‘lunch tray’ was being a bit generous. It appeared to consist of a bowl of green Jell-O and a carton of juice. 

“Yes,” she said with a little snort, but she made no move to eat it. 

“You don’t like Jell-O?” 

“Not lime green Jell-O.” She made a little face. “My mother used to put cottage cheese and pineapple in it and then she’d sit there and expect me to eat it. Wouldn’t let me up from the table until I did. It might as well be liver.” 

“What about the juice?” he asked. “I thought you liked juice.” 

“It’s white grape juice, which I like better than lime Jell-O, but not much. I wanted orange juice, but they said it’s too acidic for my system right now.” A slight note of petulance entered her voice. 

Josh looked at her for a moment. He seemed to remember them having a similar conversation when he’d been the one in the bed after Rosslyn. Okay, so maybe he’d sounded a lot more petulant about what they’d called food and tried to get him to eat. In the end, Donna had been forced to resort to cajoling and strong arming him into eating most of it. 

“What’d they give you for breakfast?” he asked. 

“Oh, yeah, that culinary treat.” She snorted again. “They said I can’t really have anything solid yet, except Jell-O obviously. I think it was supposed to be chicken broth, but it tasted more like tepid, artificially chicken flavored Gatorade and a glass of water.” 

“That does sound appetizing,” Josh agreed. “Did you eat any of it?” 

“I drank the water and managed to take 2 spoonfuls of the fake chicken liquid,” she told him. 

“Donna...” he began softly. “You have to eat. If you’re going to get better, you have to eat.” 

“I know, Josh,” she told him. “But...it’s pretty hard when everything they give me, makes me nauseous. I imagine tonight I can look forward to fake beef liquid,” she groused. 

A plan began forming in his mind. “Is there any kind of Jell-O that you would tolerate?” 

She looked at him. “Red’s okay,” she replied suspiciously. 

“If I can dig you up some red Jell-O do you think you could try and drink the white grape juice?” 

She considered that. “Well...” 

“How about if I throw in a promise to try and get you something to have for dinner that you might like and the doctor approves of?” 

“Like what?” 

“It will be a surprise,” he told her with a little grin. 

She waited for a moment before answering. “Okay, deal.” 

“Good, I like a challenge,” he said with a grin that made his dimples jump out. “Now, if you’d like to get a head start on that juice, I’ll be right back.” With that he trotted out of the room. 

Donna shook her head and managed a smile. Then she looked down at her tray. Raising her hand she nudged aside the vile green Jell-O and reached for the box of juice. Not trusting her hands to keep from fumbling it or spilling it on herself, she left it sitting on the edge of the tray. Then she pulled the small straw off the box and removed the clear plastic wrap. The weakness in her arms often affected the fine motor control in her hands, so she surprised herself by managing to get the thin straw in the small hole at the top of the box on the first try. Feeling pretty pleased with herself, she took the juice box in both hands, raised it to her mouth, and took a drink. 

‘Blech,’ she thought. She still didn’t like white grape juice, but she did promise so she tried to pretend it was orange juice or something. By the time Josh got back she’d managed to finish about half of it. 

“Your wish is my command...” he said, setting the new bowl of Jell-O, red this time, down in front of her. 

Glancing at the new Jell-O, she smiled. “Where did you get it?” 

“I ran down to the corner Jell-O store, Donna,” he teased. “Where do you think I got it? I went down to the cafeteria. I asked the nurse if it was okay. She said it couldn’t have whipped cream or anything on it and it had to be sugar-free, which it is.” 

She was touched by the sweet gesture. “Thanks, Josh.” 

He saw that she’d already put the straw in the juice box so he reached over and picked it up to see if she’d actually started on it. He was pleasantly surprised. “Wow, you drank quite a bit.” 

“Well, a promise is a promise,” she said with a smile. “Speaking of which...” She picked up the spoon and slid it into the bowl of red Jell-O and pulled out a spoonful. It took all her concentration to get the spoon from the bowl up to her mouth, but she did it. 

“How is it?” he asked. 

She chewed it thoughtfully. Actually it wasn’t too bad. Better than the chicken flavored liquid she’d had for breakfast. She swallowed it. 

“Oddly enough it tastes like red Jell-O...cherry I think,” she teased. 

“Donna...” he said with a little exasperation. 

He beamed, glad that he’d been able to help. It was such a small thing, but except for the emotional support he’d tried to give her, he’d felt all but helpless during her recovery up to that point, so even a small thing made him feel like he was contributing.

Sliding the spoon back in, Donna pulled out another bite, but this time her hand wasn’t so steady when it went from the bowl to her mouth. The Jell-O quaked on her spoon as her hand shook slightly, but it still made it to her mouth. By the fourth spoonful her arm and back were hurting again and her muscles felt like WERE Jell-O. Although she made a valiant effort, the fifth spoonful missed her mouth and tumbled down into her lap. 

Donna tried to blink back frustrated, embarrassed tears as Josh silently took the spoon out of her hand and used one napkin to pick up the largely intact pieces and then got another napkin wet to wipe at a small spot on her hospital gown. 

“I’m sorry...” she whispered a little tearfully. 

“Damn,” he said as he picked up the spoon and filled it with some more Jell-O. “I forgot to bring the ‘Josh Jar with me.’ Did I tell you that I cleaned out an old wide mouth pickle jar to use for it?” 

“No...” she answered in a small voice. 

“Well, you can owe the jar a dollar for that sorry.” He held the spoon up to her mouth. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Donna.” 

“But I can’t even feed myself,” she replied still fighting off the tears. She also hadn’t taken the bite of Jell-O he was holding up. 

“You’ll be able to do it on your own eventually. Now, take a bite,” he said edging the spoon a little closer to her mouth, but she still made no move to take it. “Please?” 

As much as her pride wanted to make her keep resisting, she knew he was actually being really sweet and she was being stubborn. With a little sigh, she opened her mouth and with a pleased smile, Josh slid the spoon carefully inside. As she closed her mouth around the spoon, he slid it back out and waited while she chewed. 

“Was that part of the reason you didn’t eat much of the chicken water this morning?” he asked her quietly as she chewed. 

She nodded and swallowed the bite. “That and the fact that the chicken water tasted terrible,” she told him. 

Loading up the spoon, he gave her another bite. Although it should have been about as sensuous as dry wheat toast, he thought there was something slightly erotic about feeding her, watching the way her lips closed over the spoon, the way the end of her tongue flicked out wipe away a bit of Jell-O on her bottom lip. 

He had to blink for a moment to break the trance he’d gotten into just watching her. “Your...um...arms will get stronger Donna,” he said giving her another bite. “And in the mean time there’s no shame in asking for help.” 

“I guess I was just kind of excited at the prospect of getting to do something for myself. Plus I didn’t want to ask the nurses for help, cause I felt a little stupid,” she admitted. 

“Well, then I guess there’s only one thing to do about it.” 

“What’s that?” she said, waiting for him to tell her that he was going to tell the nurses to help her. 

Josh was pleased to see that the Jell-O was almost gone. “You know, one of the reasons I was coming to see you AFTER lunch was because I didn’t want to remind you of the fact that I could eat and you couldn’t.” He fed her another bite. “But since you’re eating again I think I’ll have to start coming over here for every meal.” He let out a put-upon sigh. “Cause you know if you want something done right you have to do it yourself,” he finished with a grin. “Why look at that...all the Jell-O is gone.” 

She smiled. “Okay, but you’ll only feed me when my arms get tired, right?” 

“Of course,” he agreed. 

“And Josh, I swear, the first time you do the choo-choo noises or the airplane coming in for a landing noises, you’re going to be wearing whatever it is you’re trying to feed me.” 

He held the juice box straw up to her mouth. “Okay, fair enough.” He grinned. “But the tugboat coming into the shore noises are fine, right?” 

“Not if you want to keep your clothes clean they’re not,” she replied after taking a drink. 

He laughed, and just then the nurse came in to check on Donna’s progress with lunch. The nurses were supposed to record everything she ate. Donna drank the last of the juice and the nurse made a notation on Donna’s chart and promised to tell the kitchen no more green Jell-O. Then, taking the tray with the lone offering of hated lime Jell-O still on it, the nurse left the two of them alone. 

Josh had sobered a bit by then and he took Donna’s hand. “So how you feeling about your meeting with Stanley?” he asked quietly. 

She considered just shrugging off the question but she was trying to be a little more honest with her answers. “I’m a little nervous...okay I’m a lot nervous,” she admitted. 

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I was nervous about seeing him too, but I know it will be a good thing in the long run.” He paused. “Just be honest with him, Donna and remember that while it may not always feel like it, he’s here to help you.” 

She squeezed his hand. “He’ll be here to help, ‘us’,” she told him. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said with a smile. “Don’t worry, Donna, I’m not going to fall in that hole again.” He paused and looked at her for a long moment. “I’ve got too much to hold onto now.” 

The smile she gave him expressed what her words couldn’t. 

“Oh, I was going to tell you...Stanley is getting quite the work out while he’s here.” He glanced toward the open door to make sure no one was standing there. Then, leaning in, he lowered his voice to just above a whisper when he spoke. “In addition to the three of us, Stanley’s going to see Mr. Yakamoura while he’s here,” he said using the code name they’d given the President. 

Donna knew who he meant and she blinked in surprise. “Why does he need to see him?” she whispered back. 

“He’s been having trouble sleeping...insomnia,” Josh replied softly. 

“How long?” 

“4 nights. He’s going to see him tomorrow night after he sees me,” Josh said, still whispering. 

“4 nights?” she whispered in surprise. “Is he all right? I mean he’s not sick or anything is he?” 

“No, I don’t think so. He just can’t sleep.” 

“Oh...” she said. “Will you give him and...Mrs. Yakamoura, my best? And thank them for the beautiful flowers they sent yesterday,” she said pointing to the beautiful, elegant arrangement that sat on her side table. 

“I will,” Josh told her. 

“Have you seen Sam since his meeting with Stanley?” she asked as the volume of her voice going back to the normal level. From what Josh had said when he’d come by to see her last night, he’d left the White House to come and see her before Sam had finished his session with Stanley. 

“Yeah, I talked to him this morning after staff.” 

“How’s he doing?” Donna asked. 

“Actually I think he’s okay. He didn’t really elaborate on what they talked about, but he said that Stanley really got him to think about some things that he’d been ignoring and while it was hard, it was making him see things a lot more clearly.” Josh paused for a moment. “He also said, that Stanley didn’t think he needed any more therapy, unless of course something like the courthouse or Rosslyn happens again, in which case he should definitely talk to someone again. The written recommendations that Stanley gave Leo said the same thing.” 

“Oh, well that’s good,” Donna told him. 

“Actually I think Sam wanted to come and see you today but with Stanley coming he didn’t know if it would be a good time.” 

Donna smiled. “Well, he may have a point there. There’s no telling what shape I’m going to be in when I get done with Stanley. Unless you think Sam’s going to be terribly hurt or something I’d just like to keep it down to you and me tonight.” 

“I don’t think he’ll mind at all,” he replied. 

“But I’d love to see him...and Ainsley tomorrow if they have time.” 

“I’ll tell them.” A comfortable silence settled between them for a moment. 

“So are you going to keep your promise?” Donna finally asked. 

Josh frowned a little as he tried to figure out what she was talking about. “Which promise was that?” 

“The one of two you made to me in the courtroom.” 

Although it felt a little like stepping back into a mine field, he thought back to that day and what they’d said to each other as she’d laid there paralyzed and bleeding. “Let’s see...there were two promises I made you. First was to keep my head down when the shooting started.” 

“Which you only partially kept,” she admonished gently, referring to the fact that he’d been shot in the shoulder. 

“I won’t apologize for trying to protect you, Donna,” he said gently. 

She was quiet for a moment. “I know. I don’t expect you to. To be honest, I’m glad you were trying to take care of me. I’d say the ‘s’ word for bringing it up, but you’d make me put a dollar in the jar...a jar I still haven’t seen by the way,” she remarked. “Do you remember the other promise?” 

“Yeah...you told me to tell Stanley it wasn’t my fault even though I thought it was.” 

“Right,” she agreed. “So are you going to tell Stanley that?” 

He let out a breath. “Well, I did promise.” He looked at her. “But I think I need you to promise me the same thing.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean that you’ll tell Stanley it wasn’t your fault even though YOU think it was,” he said quietly. They hadn’t talked about this, but Josh was pretty sure he was right about the way she was feeling. 

Dropping her gaze to the sight of their intertwined hands, she was quiet for the longest moment. “I can’t promise you that Josh.” 

“Why?” he asked gently. “You made me promise. Why can’t you?” 

“Because it wasn’t your fault...but it was mine,” she answered softly. 

“Donna...” Josh began, his heart twisting in his chest. 

“Hey guys,” Stanley said as he knocked against the open door. 

“Hi, Stanley,” they both said a little weakly. 

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked as he walked into the room. He could feel the slight hint of tension in the air. 

“Yes,” Josh said. 

“No,” Donna said. 

“Well, you appear to have a distinct difference of opinion here,” Stanley said. “I can come back in a few minutes if you need to finish up.” 

“No, it’s fine, Stanley,” Donna told him. “Josh needs to get back to work anyway.” 

Recognizing the door had been slammed in his face, Josh gave up. “Yeah, work, work, work, that’s me,” he said, trying not to let his irritation show. “No rest for the weary.” 

He knew Donna needed his support at the moment so he just squeezed her hand and gave her a light kiss on the cheek so she knew he wasn’t mad. “I’ll see you tonight, with that dinner surprise I promised,” he told her. Then he turned to Stanley. “And I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said jovially. Stanley nodded. 

Turning, Josh picked up his backpack and headed across the room, but then stopped at the door and turned partially back to look at them. “Oh, Stanley...” he began. 

“Yes, Josh?” the other man said as he was pulling up a chair. 

“Donna made me promise to tell you that I think the thing at the courthouse was my fault even though it wasn’t.” He paused. 

“Okay,” Stanley said, with a bit of a bemused expression on his face. “I’ll make a note of it for our meeting tomorrow.” 

“You might also want to know that I’m not the only one who’s taking blame on their shoulders.” He paused. “Donna thinks it’s her fault too...but it’s not.” 

With that, Josh turned and walked out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him to give Donna and Stanley some privacy. 

“See...that’s the interesting thing about Josh,” Stanley said as he settled into the chair and pulled out his notes and a pad of paper to write on. “You never quite know what’s going to come out of his mouth.” 

Donna couldn’t really manage to form a reply to his comment. Part of her was fuming mad at Josh for the comment he’d made, but the other part of her was oddly...relieved. 

“So...” he began, unfazed by her lack of response. “Normally, I would start things off by telling you about me and about ATVA, but since I interviewed you for the thing with Josh a couple of Christmas’ ago, it would kind of be a waste of time.” 

He paused and waited for her to say something. When she only continued to stare at him with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look, he tried to smile disarmingly. 

“Donna? It’s okay, I’m not here to dissect you or anything,” he told her. 

“It feels like that’s exactly why you’re here.” 

“I know it does, but I just want to talk. And while it’s true that I’m going to want to talk about stuff that you probably don’t want to talk about. I hope that by the time we get done today you’ll feel like our time together was productive.” He let out a breath. 

“Now a couple of business items,” he began. “Whatever you say to me today stays just between us. I don’t tell Josh, I don’t tell Leo, I don’t tell anyone. I do have to give Leo my recommendations, but I don’t go into specifics.” He paused. “Also, I know that because of your condition, you have some physical needs and requirements. If at anytime you want to lie down rather than sit up or you need to stop and call the nurse for something, just let me know. “Okay?” 

“All right,” she replied. 

“Good,” he said with a nod. “So how are you feeling?” 

“Fine,” she replied. 

“Do you think that you could elaborate just a little bit on that?” Stanley asked. 

“You mean physically or mentally?” she asked. 

“Either...both.” 

“Well...” she began. “Physically...I’m basically paralyzed right now...” her voice trailed off. 

“Go on,” he prompted. 

“My back tends to hurt like someone is sticking me with a sharp red hot poker...” 

“Okay, what else?” he said trying to draw her out. 

She was a little annoyed that he wasn’t letting it go and that seemed to be a trigger for the avalanche of things that started tumbling out. 

“I can only feel half of my left leg, I can barely lift my arms, which means it’s hard to even feed myself, which is okay since I can’t eat much more than Jell-O and something masquerading as chicken broth anyway,” she said irritably. “Someone has to help get me in and out of bed and literally set me on the toilet, at night they basically tie to me to the bed which can make it hard to sleep, while the doctors think I’ll walk again, they can’t guarantee it and oh, I may never be able to have children or feel sexually satisfied.” She fell silent. 

Stanley looked at her for a moment. “So when you said...’fine,’ you meant ‘not fine’?” 

“Something like that,” she muttered. 

“Okay, I’m going to take a wild stab here and say that you’re frustrated, right?” he commented dryly. 

“Took you a long time to figure that out, did it?” she shot back, hating the snippy tone in her voice. 

He shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a gift.” He paused. “Well, no one can say you don’t have good reason to feel frustrated. In fact, I’d say it’s a normal healthy part of your recovery.” 

That surprised her somewhat. She’d expected some kind of lecture on not letting things get her down. “Really?” 

“Sure,” he replied. “You’re going through some pretty overwhelming things right now, including a lot of physical limitations and it’s only natural that you’d feel frustrated.” 

She stared at him for a moment. “Why do I feel an enormous ‘but’ coming?” 

“Because, Donna, you are a smart woman,” he said. “And being a smart woman, at some point you’re going to have to start using your frustration rather than letting it use you.” 

Again she found herself surprised by his comment. “What do you mean?” 

“Right now, you’re frustration is using you, making you mad, making you discouraged... am I right?” 

“Yes...” she said cautiously. 

“Well, I think you can see why that’s not really the best thing for your recovery. What I’m suggesting is that you try using your frustration to motivate yourself.” 

She found herself a little intrigued by what he was saying. “Go on.” 

“Right now, you’re frustrated that you can’t walk...okay, that’s fair...but use your frustration to motivate you to work that much harder with your physical therapy.” 

“But I’m not up to the walking part of my therapy yet.” 

“Donna...everyday is the walking part of your therapy. It’s your body healing...things waking up...muscles and nerves remembering and learning how to work. Try thinking of it like following the directions for a complicated recipe. You can’t just jump ahead to step 5 and expect that what you’re making is going to come out fine. You have to go through steps 1-4 first.” 

“Okay, I see your point...” she agreed. “...and it’s pretty good.” 

“I’m not saying there won’t be days where you go right back to feeling mad and discouraged...like I said, that’s to be expected, but I think you’ll find that the days that you’re able to use your frustration, will feel pretty satisfying.” 

“I figured you would.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “So now that we’ve covered the physical, how’s the mental and emotional end of things been going? Besides the frustration of course.”

“Fine,” she answered again. 

He looked at her. “Can I take that ‘fine’ to be another ‘not fine’?” He waited for her to say something, but she remained silent and stared down at her hands. “Donna?” 

“Do we really have to talk about it?” she asked. 

He held up his hand and gave her a little wave. “Hi, remember me? I’m Dr. Stanley Keyworth, I’ll be your licensed psychiatrist for today.” He tried to joke. “Donna, I came here just so you could talk about it. In fact, in some circles, I’m known as the ‘talk about it’ guy.” 

“I know...I guess...” her voice trailed off. “I guess...I’ve just been trying not to think about it.” 

“Ah, yes, the ‘ignore it and it will go away’ theory. Well, if he were here, I’m sure Josh could testify to the fact that’s not usually the best course of action.” 

“It’s just hard to put into words,” she told him. “ 

“Give it a shot...just say whatever comes into your mind.” 

“It’s like...being pulled down, pulled under.” 

Stanley nodded. “Down and under what?” 

“Worry...guilt...of course, frustration we already talked about.” 

“Okay, good...let’s start with the worry,” he told her. “What are you worried about?” 

“I...I guess...I worry about not being able to walk again.” 

“Perfectly legitimate worry,” he replied. 

“I worry...” This was something she hadn’t really told anyone, although she had mentioned it to Josh once in an offhanded way. “I worry that I’ll be a burden,” she said quietly. 

“Why do you think you’d be a burden?” 

“Stanley, if I don’t walk again, I’m going to need a certain amount of care. I’m going to be a burden to whoever gets stuck with that job,” she told him as if it were blindingly obvious. 

“Not necessarily, Donna. First of all, from what your doctors are saying, there’s every reason to think that you’ll walk again.” 

“But what if they’re wrong?!” she argued. 

“And SECOND of all,” he continued. “Even if you didn’t walk again, many paraplegics lead very independent lives. They have jobs, children, hobbies, sex lives, they drive cars, participate in sports, and a lot of other things. That’s what physical and occupational therapy are for, to give you the best quality of life you can possibly have.” 

He paused and watched her for a minute. “But I don’t think you’re worried about being a burden to society or some nameless, faceless person who helps you with your rehabilitation. Are you?” 

“Of course, I am,” Donna said a little defensively. 

“No, you’re not. For you it’s much more personal,” he said. “Shall I take a big guess on who you don’t want to be a burden to?” 

She knew he would either guess or pry it out of her anyway. “Josh...okay!” she admitted heatedly. “I don’t want to be a burden to Josh!” 

Stanley had interviewed Josh for the session with Donna, just as he’d interviewed Donna for the Christmas Eve session with Josh. He knew very well that things between Josh and Donna had changed because of what had happened at the courthouse. 

“Well, again, I don’t think you would be.” 

Donna snorted in annoyance. “Of course, I would be.” 

“Why?” 

“You have to understand how things are between us. The rhythm...the banter. I chase him through the hallways and we talk. Kind of hard to do that when I’m in a wheel chair,” she said with a grumble. “It would change some of the basic things that make us...well, us.” 

“So you’ll change with it,” Stanley pointed out. 

“I just want things the way they were,” she cried. 

“Do you?” 

“Yes!” she insisted. 

“Tell me, Donna, how have things been between you and Josh these last two weeks?” 

“I don’t know what you...” 

“Come on, Donna, you know exactly what I mean...” he insisted. “How have things been between you and Josh during the time you’ve been in the hospital?” 

She was suddenly afraid to say the words. As if saying them would negate everything that had happened. “Between Josh and I...things have been...amazing,” she said quietly. 

“What was that?” he asked. He’d heard her but he wanted her to say the words again. 

“I said, things between us have been amazing!” she snapped. 

Stanley didn’t mind the snapping. “But how can that be?” he asked for a shrug. “You haven’t chased him through the halls. In fact you’ve been all but trapped in bed. How could things be so great?” He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands. “I’m waiting for an answer Donna.” 

“Because we love each other and don’t have to hide it any more.” 

“Yes, Donna, exactly. Do you really want to go back to the days when you and Josh hid your feelings from each other?” 

“No,” she replied. “I just feel broken and I want to be whole for him. I guess I just want everything.” 

“You say that like you can’t have everything. You’re putting the cart a little before the horse aren’t you? You sound like you’ve given up before you’ve got the whole story. There’s every possibility that you will walk again and that you’ll be strong enough to be chasing him through the halls again. This is the middle of the story, Donna, not the end.” 

“Like Josh doesn’t already have enough to do without looking after a cripple,” she muttered. 

“Wow, Donna that’s some pity party you’ve got going on there,” Stanley told her. “I also think you’re not giving Josh enough credit.” 

“Stanley...” 

“Josh loves you,” he told her. “I know because he told me when I interviewed him yesterday for your session and I know because I saw it in his eyes, just like I’ve seen it in yours. Even if you never got out of a wheelchair, he would never see you as a burden...or a cripple, he’d just be happy you were alive.” 

Stanley’s words touched something deep inside her and she felt tears gather in her eyes. 

“You know I’m right, don’t you?” 

“Yes,” she said tearfully. 

He handed her a tissue and gave her a moment. Next he was going to move onto what she and Josh had said about her feeling guilty, but he’d decided to do it from a different angle. 

“Donna? How much of that day at the courthouse do you remember?” 

She wiped her nose and swallowed. “Um...pretty much everything...this is, when I was conscious...until I passed out the last...time.” 

“Tell me about it,” he urged. 

“Haven’t you read about it in the paper or something?” 

“Yes, and I’ve asked Josh and Sam what they remembered, but right now, I’d like to know what you remember.” 

“Well...” she began. “I had jury duty. Our trial got moved to a new courtroom...” 

“Why?” 

“I’m sorry?” she said with frown. 

“Why was the trial moved?” 

“Um...” She tried to remember, it seemed like it had happened about 200 years ago. “A broken pipe or something in the old courtroom.” 

“Oh...okay, go on,” Stanley prompted her. 

“We were in court and it was almost lunch time, I remember because I was hungry and bored out of my mind, the witness giving testimony was talking about school bus safety,” she told him with a smile. 

“Yeah, that does sound exciting,” Stanley agreed. 

Donna’s smile faded. “Then they came. We didn’t have any warning. From inside our courtroom we couldn’t hear their earlier gunshots.” 

“How many gunmen were there?” he asked. He was trying to see how much she was really remembering instead of just repeating what others might have told her. 

“Um...six or seven I think,” she answered. 

Stanley didn’t comment on the fact that had actually been 8 gunmen...she’d come close enough for him. 

Donna continued on. “It was weird,” she said softly. “Except for the guns they were all dressed in suits...like attorneys or something...” Her voice got very soft. “I kept thinking how happy I was Josh wasn’t there.” She glanced at Stanley. “But of course, he was there,” she said with renewed tears. 

“What happened then?” he prompted. 

“They seemed really surprised we were there. The bailiffs pulled their guns and then there was all this shooting and everyone was screaming and diving for cover.” She paused for a moment and her eyes went a little glassy. “The noise was unlike anything I’ve ever heard...it was deafening,” she said softly. 

“Stay with me, Donna,” he said gently. 

Donna seemed to gather herself. “They killed one of the deputies right away. Well, he went down fast...he probably took a few minutes to die,” she said absently as she stared down at her hands. “One of the gunmen grabbed somebody, a woman I think and told the other deputy to surrender and he did.” She paused. “Then they told us to sit down on one side of the room. They had guns stashed in the bookshelves. After they got them they tried to leave the courtroom from a back exit, but the marshals were waiting for them.” She looked up at him. “That’s when things really got bad.” 

She was suddenly in desperate need of a drink of water. Slowly reaching for the yellow pitcher on the bed table her lunch tray had been sitting on, she tried to lift it and only succeeded in almost dropping it. If Stanley hadn’t intervened she would have. 

“Let me help you with that,” he said, pouring her a cup of water. “Can you take it from there?” 

Donna put both hands around the cup. “I think so.” Picking up the cup, she lifted a little shakily to her mouth and drank. She wasn’t sure if her hands were shaking from the weakness or because she’d been talking about that day at the courthouse. 

“Sorry,” she said, setting the cup back down on the table. “My arms are weak from the surgery.” 

“No, problem. Let me know if you need some more water.” He paused as he sat back down in his chair. “Do you need a break or you ready to go on?” 

“No, I’d rather just keep going...I just needed some water.” 

“Okay. Go ahead, whenever you’re ready,” he replied. 

“The gunmen got really angry that everything had gone wrong. They talked to the negotiator on the phone and told them they had an hour to let them go.” 

“So what happened when the hour came?” Stanley asked quietly. 

“The negotiator said they weren’t going to let the gunmen go and so they were going to shoot the other deputy.” She swallowed and paused as a weird, cold feeling came over her and she felt sweat begin to pop out on her upper lip. “I don’t know exactly why I did it...” she said a little shakily. 

“Take a breath, Donna. It’s okay.” 

She did what he said and took a deep breath. “I tried to talk them out of shooting him,” she said, as a tear slid down her cheek. “I didn’t really mean for them to shoot me,” she said. “I just wanted to push him out of the way. I don’t really even remember doing it...” 

Her voice trailed off as she looked toward the window and it’s view of the Potomac. Her face was sad and her breathing a little fast and shallow. The tears on her cheeks glistened brightly in the afternoon sun. Stanley remained quiet, sensing she would continue when she was ready. 

When she spoke again her voice was a little disconnected. “But there are two things I do remember about that moment...the pain of being shot and the stunned, broken look on Josh’s face.” 

“What happened the rest of the time? Until you passed out I mean,” Stanley asked. 

“My memory gets fuzzier from there. I know they shot the other deputy anyway.” Another tear trailed down her cheek as she thought about the lost deputy. “Otherwise, I only remember that Josh was there with me and I told him I loved him.” Shakily, she wrapped her hands around the cup and took another long drink. 

Stanley gave her a moment to finish drinking. “So why is it your fault?” he asked quietly. 

Donna frowned. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, you said you were feeling guilty and Josh made his little statement about the fact that you blamed yourself. So I’m asking why you think it’s your fault?” 

“The hostage thing isn’t my fault,” she told him. 

He believed her and because he did, he frowned. “Then why did you say you were feeling guilty...?” 

Shame washed through her. “It’s my fault that Sam and Josh were there.” 

“How do you figure that?” 

“I’d been hiding my feelings for Josh and I was feeling resentful about his relationship with Amy and the fact that Josh wouldn’t help me get out of jury duty. We had a fight and I was avoiding him.” She sniffed as another tear escaped. “He only came to the courthouse that day to take me to lunch to apologize...Josh brought Sam along so he didn’t stick his foot in his mouth.” 

“Donna...it’s not your fault. You didn’t know they were coming and even if you had, you had no way to know that the gunmen were going to pick that day to try a prison break.” 

She was quietly crying now. “But if they hadn’t been there, neither of them would have been traumatized and wouldn’t need to see you.” 

“I hate to tell you this, Donna, but whether or not Josh had been there, he would have been traumatized by you getting shot. And it’s very likely that if Josh hadn’t been there, you could have died. You definitely wouldn’t have shared your feelings for each other.” He looked at her. “He would have been coming to see me no matter what and if he hadn’t I would have been coming to see him.” 

Stanley let out a breath. “As for Sam, I can’t tell you any specifics of course, but he already had other stuff going on. What happened at the courthouse just brought everything to the surface. He should have talked to me or someone a long time ago. There’s an argument to be made for the fact that him being at the courthouse was a good thing.” He paused. “I know for a fact that he was glad he could be there for you and Josh.” 

“Sam and Josh both like people to depend on them,” she said with a sniffle. “And there’s one other good thing that came out this.” 

Now she had him intrigued. “Oh? What’s that?” 

“Sam and Ainsley,” she said with a wet smile. “They’re together now. She’s really good for him.” 

Stanley smiled at her. “Yeah, I got that impression when I talked to him yesterday.” 

They both chuckled over that. 

“Well, I think we’ll call it a day for now,” he told her as he slid his things back into his briefcase. “I know you get tired easily. I’d like to come back in a week if that’s okay. They should be getting ready to transfer you to in-patient rehab by then and I want to see how you’re doing.” 

All in all, her talk with Stanley hadn’t been too terrible. “I’d like that,” she told him. “Thank you, Stanley, for me and Josh and Sam.” She smiled. “Oh, and for Mr. Yakamoura.” 

He grinned back at her as he closed his briefcase and stood up. “No problem...it’s all part of the service here at Stanley House of Mental Health.” 

********** 

A couple of hours later, Josh stood just outside Donna’s room with his dinner offering in his hand. After he’d left her room earlier, he’d called the doctor to check and see if his idea would work. Dr. Scott had agreed. 

Now Josh just hoped that she didn’t dump it over his head. He was a little worried that she might be mad over the way he’d left that morning. 

Taking a breath, he walked into her room. Just as she had been earlier in the day, Donna was sitting up in bed watching TV. 

“Hey,” he said gently, waiting to see her reaction to his appearance. Hearing his voice, she turned and the warm smile she gave him told him all he needed to know. 

“Hi,” she answered back as he walked over to her bed and dropped his backpack into a nearby chair. He kept what looked like a large white Styrofoam drink container in his hand. 

“I wasn’t sure if you would be speaking to me after this morning,” he told her softly. 

She reached her hand out to him and he took it. “You were just telling me the truth and I’m glad you said what you did to Stanley. It opened up some good discussion.” 

“So it went all right today?” Josh said hopefully. 

“Yeah,” she said with a nod as she gave his hand a squeeze. “It wasn’t bad at all and he gave me a lot of things to think about. He’s coming back to see me next week. He said he wanted to check on me before they send me off to rehab.” 

“Good. Hopefully my session with Stanley tomorrow will be as painless as yours,” he said, setting the Styrofoam container on her bed table. 

“What’s that?” she asked with a little frown. 

He grinned. “Dinner.” 

“Dinner?” 

“Yes, remember that I promised you some edible dinner if you ate your Jell-O and juice?” She nodded. “Well, I ran my idea past Dr. Scott and he thought it would work just fine...so here you go,” he said nudging the container a little closer. 

There was an opaque plastic lid on top so she couldn’t see what was inside. “Could you take the top off, please?” 

“Of course.” Grasping the lid he peeled it off. 

Immediately, the scent of real chicken broth wafted up to her. She took a deep breath and it made her mouth water. “Mmmm...that smells amazing. What is it exactly?” 

“Well, it’s exactly matzo ball soup without the matzo ball,” he grinned. “I got it from the kosher deli by my apartment building.” 

“The same one...” 

“Yeah, the same one you used to get matzo ball soup from when I was recovering,” he told her. “Since they make it with lower fat and less salt, Dr. Scott said it would be all right.” 

Donna looked at him. She was warmed and touched by his thoughtfulness and it caused tears to gather in her eyes. She really was very lucky to have him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he saw her tears. Don’t you like it?” 

“No, I love it,” she assured him. Moving the soup safely out of the way, she held out her arms. It was the sign she’d developed to let him know she wanted a hug. Josh slid his arms carefully around her. “I just love you very much.” 

He ran his hand over the back of her head. “I love you, too,” he whispered. They held onto each other for a few moments. 

“Thank you, Josh...for everything,” she said. 

He stroked her hair for a moment. “You’re welcome.” He pulled back and tucked some hair behind her ear. “Now drink your soup.” 


	29. Trial by Fire 28

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 28**

“Josh?” CJ called after him as they were coming out of staff the next morning. 

He was on his way to see Stanley and he considered ignoring her, but thought it might be something related to work. However, he was also a little suspicious. Since she hadn’t brought up whatever it was during staff, there was also a distinct possibility that it was something of a more personal nature. 

Ever since he’d returned to the White House, Josh had kept things with CJ on a strictly professional basis. He’d forgiven her enough to work with her, but not enough for anything outside that. As for Donna, Josh knew that what CJ had said to her was still something she found upsetting and consequently, the subject of CJ was basically off limits. 

“Yes, CJ?” he said as he stopped in the hallway outside Leo’s office. 

“I need to talk to you about something,” she said with a note of trepidation in her voice. “Can we talk in your office?” 

“I’m on my way to a thing,” he told her. “I really don’t have time to...” 

“Please...” she all but pleaded. “It won’t take long.” 

Josh regarded her for a moment. “All right.” 

“Thank you,” she said. The two of them walked silently to Josh’s office and CJ closed the door behind them. 

“Now what did you need, CJ. Like I said, I don’t have a lot of time,” Josh said trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. 

“Um...as you know, outside the official story of the shooting, we’ve been sticking largely to the ‘no comment’ line,” CJ began. When Josh only looked at her with growing impatience she continued. “But I’ve been getting a number of requests for follow-up stories or personal accounts from...” 

“No,” Josh said flatly. 

“But I think the Press will back off the story if you or Sam or Ainsley or Don...” 

“NO!” Josh said, he said, slamming his fist down on the desk. “I don’t speak for Sam or Ainsley, but Donna and I are not doing some damn tell-all just to satisfy the Press’ or the public’s twisted need for some kind of sensational story!” 

“Josh...” 

“No,” he cut her off coldly and stood up. “Now if that’s all, I’ve...” 

Something snapped in CJ. “NO, THAT’S NOT ALL!!” she yelled as she threw her notepad down on his desk in an imitation of his earlier motion. The force of it sent papers skidding off his desk in all directions. 

“CJ...!” 

She ignored him. “I don’t appreciate being dismissed, Josh! And I’m getting pretty damn tired of being in the penalty box. I said I was sorry, I don’t know what else you want me to say!” she told him angrily. 

“I don’t....” Josh tried. He was a little taken aback by her anger. Up to that point, he’d felt like he and Donna had the corner on anger in this situation. 

“Donna’s the one I hurt and the one I upset,” CJ exclaimed. “So I’ll take crap from her until she’s ready to forgive me, but I’m done taking it from you!” 

They both stood there on opposite sides of his desk, breathing a little hard from their heated exchange. 

“The thing is, CJ...” Josh said in a low voice. “Donna and I are together now. If you hurt her, you hurt me. Until she can stand for herself, I stand for her and I won’t let you hurt her again.” 

“I didn’t mean to hurt her the first time,” CJ said honestly. “I thought I was doing my job...I know I screwed up.” 

“Yeah, you did,” he agreed, but there was no heat in his voice. 

“So I guess I’m not allowed to screw up?” she said in frustration. “Josh, how many times have you screwed up and I had to fix it? Do I need to mention Mary Marsh and your ‘Secret Plan to Fight Inflation’?” 

He looked at her for a long moment. “You’re right, I do screw up on a regular basis,” he said quietly. “But that was work and this is Donna.” 

“Oh, and I suppose you’ve never screwed up with Donna?” The moment the words were out of her mouth she wished she could take them back. The look of regret on his face made her want to cut her own tongue out. “Josh, I...” 

“Of course I have, CJ,” he said, his voice very, very quiet. “It took 4 years, me almost dying, her nursing me back to health, and her almost dying before I pulled my head out of my ass and admitted I was in love with her.” He chuckled, but it was a painful sound. “I’ve hurt her, neglected her, insulted her, mistreated her...CJ, I’ve done nothing but screw up with her.” 

He leveled his gaze at her. “And yet, she still loves me...I have no idea how I got so lucky.” He paused. “Which is why I’m trying to do things better now. I can’t make up for all the crap in the past but every day that I love her and stand with her, is another chance to show her how much she means to me.” 

CJ stared at him, at a loss for something to say. Then the words tumbled out. “I’m so jealous.” 

Josh blinked and then frowned in surprised. “Huh...what?” 

“I’m so jealous of what you two have,” she repeated. “I wish someone looked at me the way you look at her. Hell, you don’t even have to look at her, just the way you’re face lights up when you talk about her is...inspiring.” 

Now it was Josh’s turn to be at a loss for something to say. 

“We saw it, you know...during the first campaign,” CJ continued. “That’s why we came up with the ‘Impervious Contingency’ in the first place. It wasn’t to be mean or to discourage the two of you. We saw how much you cared for each other, but because you were her boss, we knew there would be a day when we’d have to protect you...and the President from questions that would come up about your relationship. Don’t you see...we were so sure about you it was our way of giving you our silent support.” 

Josh stared at her for another long moment and felt part of him melt. “Okay...” he said slowly. “As far as I’m concerned you’re out of the penalty box. I can’t speak for Donna, you’ll have to work that out between the two of you.” He let out a breath. ”I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you. I just get really protective when it comes to Donna.” 

“I know,” CJ replied. A wave of relief flowed over her. 

“But, CJ, if you hurt her again, you’re going back in the box faster than you can say ‘The Sisterhood’.” 

“Fair enough...sorry I made such a mess,” she said referring to the contents of his desk that were scattered about them.” 

He shrugged. “Ah, don’t worry about. I needed to clean my desk anyway. Donna always does it for me...” he trailed off as he fingered a couple of papers and files on his desk. “But, well, you know...” 

“She’s going to be okay, Josh,” CJ said. 

He gave himself a mental shake and looked over at her. “Yeah, I know....” He glanced at his watch. “Hey, I really do have a thing I need to get to,” he said, coming around the desk. 

“Right...sure,” she replied as she opened the door. “Thanks for, you know, talking to me about this.” 

He gave her a smile as he headed out of his office to meet with Stanley. “Thank you for being...insistent.” 

********** 

“Hi Stanley, sorry I’m late,” Josh said as he breezed into the room, closing the door behind him. 

It was the same room they’d used for Josh’s session the Christmas Eve after Rosslyn. Rather than making him anxious or nervous, he found it oddly comforting. Other than the fact that Josh hadn’t put his hands through any windows lately, the only difference was that Stanley’s shadow from back then, Kaytha Trask, was missing. 

“No, problem, Josh. I was just looking through my notes,” Stanley replied. 

“No double teaming today, Stanley?” Josh said as he sat down at the table opposite Stanley. 

“What?” Stanley frowned, then he remembered. “Oh, Kaytha...” he smiled. “No, she’s still with ATVA, but she works her own cases now...usually onsite counseling for things like school shootings or with the Red Cross after natural disasters.” 

“Do you mind?” Josh said pointing at a coffee carafe sitting next to Stanley. 

“Help yourself.” 

Josh picked up one of two clean, empty mugs that were sitting beside the carafe and poured himself a cup of coffee. “Stanley...before we start I just wanted to take a second and thank you for whatever you said to Donna...and to Sam for that matter. They both seem better now that you’ve talked to them.” 

“Well, I appreciate that, Josh. They both have things they need to work out in their own time, but I think they’ll both be fine,” he replied. 

“Just so you know, we’re thinking about making you the White House therapist,” Josh teased. 

“Fun for me,” Stanley commented dryly. 

Josh grinned. “Well, between dealing with the three of us and Mr. Yakamoura, you’ve had your work cut out for you.” 

“You certainly have kept me busy this trip,” Stanley agreed. “I’d let you guys put me on retainer, but I’m pretty expensive and my wife wouldn’t appreciate it. She’s kind of gotten used to seeing me once in a while.” 

Although Stanley knew a great many things about Josh, Josh didn’t know a whole lot about Stanley...on a personal basis anyway. The jacket he’d read on Stanley before his first Christmas Eve session, had been fairly generic and had focused on his training and his experience at ATVA. Josh supposed it was a good idea that a therapist... psychiatrist...whatever, be pretty closed mouthed about his personal life. Both to protect said personal life in case said therapist was dealing with a real crackpot and because the therapy session was supposed to be focusing on the patient and not the therapist. 

Still...Josh was curious. His newfound relationship with Donna made him more than curious about what made a relationship work. “So you been married long?” he asked Stanley quietly. 

Stanley looked at him for a moment. “I’ll make you a deal, Josh, the next time we both have a few minutes why don’t you buy me a good cup of coffee and I’ll tell you about my wife and I’ll show you a picture of my two kids.” 

Josh frowned a bit. “Why not now?” 

“Because I charge by the hour and I don’t come cheap...plus there’s the fact we’re here for your therapy and not mine.” 

“Oh, okay. I just...” his voice trailed off, the disappointment evident in his voice. 

Stanley cocked his head and looked at Josh. He realized that Josh’s question about his wife hadn’t just been idle curiosity or some attempt at procrastinating. “What is it, Josh?” 

“I...I was only asking because...Stanley, I’ve never had a really successful relationship in my life and I want to do it right with Donna,” he admitted. “I mean I’m not completely pathetic, I’ve dated and had girlfriends, but usually politics was more important to me. If it came down to choosing work or a date, generally I picked work.” He paused and looked into his coffee. “Donna says that I randomly tumble into women sideways and then wait for them to break up with me.” 

Stanley stared at him. The conversation had taken an interesting turn and they hadn’t really even started yet. It was a little off topic, but Stanley had a feeling it might be important to understanding Josh. “Do you think she’s right?” 

Josh wished he hadn’t started down this road. He thought about trying to change the subject, but Stanley wasn’t big on subject changes. “Yeah, I suppose I do,” he said quietly. 

“Why do you suppose that is?” 

“I guess...” Josh began, trying to think honestly about it. “It’s kind of what I said about work always being more important.” 

“Yeah...no, I don’t think that’s it,” Stanley replied. “I think that’s more a symptom than a cause.” 

Josh blinked at him. “I’d never met the right woman?” he asked hopefully. 

“Seeing as how Donna seems to understand you so well, in your case that could be part of it,” Stanley said. “But that’s not what I was referring to, so try again.” 

Josh considered it for a moment. “I’m an asshole?” 

Stanley sighed. “Keep going the way you are and I might agree with you. Seriously, Josh...think about it.” 

“I don’t want to be the bad guy,” he finally managed to say. 

“And we’ve arrived at the truth,” Stanley said. “Yes, Josh you don’t want to be the bad guy. It’s easier when you can blame the break up on someone else or on work and not on yourself.” 

Josh frowned. “Why would I do that?” 

“I’m just guessing here, but I’d say you’re protecting yourself,” Stanley answered. 

“From what?” Josh asked. 

“Why don’t you tell me?” Stanley said. 

“I don’t know, Stanley,” Josh said a little irritated that Stanley was pressing him for answers he didn’t have. 

“Josh,” Stanley sighed. “Do you think it could be you’re trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?” 

“But.. but I don’t get hurt,” he insisted. 

“Yes, Josh, you don’t get hurt,” Stanley replied. “You only let yourself get involved with a woman up to a point. When things get too serious you put on your passive aggressive hat and wait for the woman to give up and go away.” 

“I don’t...” He wanted to disagree because it made him sound like some kind of emotional cripple, but what Stanley said was making a terrible amount of sense. 

Stanley could see that he’d struck a cord in Josh. “Have you suffered a lot of personal loss in your life?” 

“Um...yeah, well not a lot, but...my sister, Joanie, died when I was a child and my dad during the President’s campaign.” 

Stanley frowned a little. “Was your sister’s death very sudden?” 

“Yes,” Josh said quietly. “She died in a house fire when I was about 8.” 

“She was older than you?” 

“Yeah, she was 12.” 

“Were you close?” 

“To me we were, I think she kind of saw me as her annoying little brother,” he tried to laugh, but it didn’t really come out all that well. 

“Did you take her death hard?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Josh said with a shrug. “I mean I was 8, I guess I took it as hard as an 8 year old would.” 

“Were you there when she died?” 

Josh nodded. “She was babysitting and we were making popcorn or something,” he replied a bit absently. “There was a fire and I ran outside, but she stayed to try and put it out.” 

“Did you have any survivor’s guilt because you made it out and she didn’t?” 

“I...I was only 8, Stanley.” It occurred to him that the comment was similar to something his previous therapist, also named Stanley, had told him. 

“8 year olds feel guilty too, Josh.” 

“I guess...I don’t know...I don’t really remember. It was a long time ago.” 

Stanley considered that. Some wounds never completely heal. “Did you miss her?” 

“Well, yes, I mean she was my big sister and all.” Josh replied. 

“Were you angry at her for dying?” 

“Stanley, it wasn’t like she killed herself,” Josh said, getting a little defensive. 

“I know that Josh, but when you’re 8 it’s hard to rationalize. You just know that someone you loved, in this case your sister, isn’t there anymore.” 

Josh looked at him with a frown. “What are you getting at?” 

“Josh...is it possible that unconsciously you’ve been looking for her ever since you were 8, but you never let yourself get too close to anyone that reminded you of her in case she left you again?” 

Josh blinked at him. “God, Stanley, please don’t tell me that what you’re going to say next is that I was in love with my sister or something. ‘Cause seriously, if you do, my hand isn’t going to be my only body part going through a window.” 

Stanley gave him a little reassuring smile. “Your hand and your body parts are safe, Josh. You’re taking things too literally. 8 year olds don’t usually have a developed sense of romantic love versus platonic love. They see things as more black and white. They just love. You loved her and she was gone.” 

“Is that why I date brunettes who are mean to me?” he blurted before he had even processed the idea. 

“Was Joanie mean to you?” 

“No, not that I remember. I mean we had arguments like any kids and she was a little bossy, but nothing exceptional.” 

“Well, the bossiness might play into the meanness aspect. It’s like you’re letting them boss you around and tell you what to do, like she probably did. You also let them do the breaking up because it makes it easier to justify.” He paused. “On the other hand, I imagine it’s also a case that the brunettes fit her physical profile.” 

Josh frowned. “If I’m so fixated on mean brunettes how did Donna get through?” 

“Ah, yes, the luminous Donnatella Moss. I have a couple of theories on that,” Stanley said with a smile. “And they all go back to our earlier discussion about you meeting the right woman.” He leaned forward conspiratorially. “And I gotta tell you, Josh, in my opinion, she was tailor made for you.” 

Josh grinned. “Yeah?” 

Stanley leaned back in his chair. “Absolutely. First of all you were friends with her. You didn’t see her as power dating material, you just saw her as a sweet girl from Wisconsin who supported you, took care of you.” 

“She does have that down to a science,” Josh said. 

“I imagine that mean brunettes pretty much thought you should be able to fend for yourself.” 

“Well...yeah...okay, you’ve got a point there. They were about as nurturing as Genghis Khan.” Josh thought for a minute. “Donna also makes me laugh and she doesn’t take me too seriously.” 

“Or let you take yourself too seriously, I bet.” 

“Yeah, both of which I need,” Josh pointed out. 

Stanley looked at him for a minute. “And even though the odds were in favor of the two of you staying just friends, especially given the fact that you were boss and assistant, a funny thing happened on the way to terminal friendshipville.” He paused. 

“What!? What happened,” Josh asked eagerly. 

“You fell in love with her,” Stanley replied. “You realized how much she meant to you and more importantly, you realized how much she needs you and you need her. It’s very much a two way street with the two of you. Real, lasting love is give and take. I bet the mean brunettes didn’t need a thing from you, unless it was political or sexual.” 

“Well, you just encapsulated my entire relationship with Amy...and Mandy for that matter.” 

“I also think that you loved Donna for a while, but those feelings scared the crap out of you. And you didn’t think she felt the same way. And you used the fact that you were her boss as a convenient excuse not to explore those feelings...am I anywhere close?” 

Josh hung his head and nodded. “Yeah, you’re there.” 

“But when she got shot and told you she loved you...all those reasons seemed pretty stupid, didn’t they?” Stanley guessed. “You were more scared of her dying than you were of telling her how you felt, you’d just found out she felt the same way, and when you were trapped in that courtroom you weren’t boss and assistant anymore.” He paused to see if Josh would answer. “How am I doing, Josh?” 

It took Josh a moment to answer. It was hard facing up to his own massive stupidity. “Actually you’re kind of freaking me out because you’re so right.” 

“No, Josh, I don’t think you’re freaking out. I think what you’re having is a break through,” Stanley said with a smile. 

“What do you mean?” Josh asked. 

“I mean you’re beginning to realize that in the past you’ve been a little immature when it came to romantic relationships with women, but having a relationship with Donna and being able to admit your feelings for her shows you’ve grown and matured.” 

“You think?” Josh asked hopefully. 

“I most certainly do,” Stanley said. 

“So you gonna tell me what I won or what?” Josh said, sarcastically. 

Stanley got very serious. “Donna...Josh. You win Donna...not that I would put it to her in those words. Women tend to not like being referred to as a prize, but you get the idea. Oh, and you get a lovely parting gift for escaping from mean brunetteville.” 

“What?” 

“You get permission to be happy.” 

A light feeling came into his chest, as if some veil had lifted from his heart. “Yeah?” 

“Yes,” Stanley answered. “And for the record, I’ve been married for 11 years to my best friend and my first and only wife. My own personal ‘right woman’.” 

“11 years, huh?” Josh replied. “Does it ever get old?” 

Stanley shrugged and decided that he’d share this little bit of personal wisdom with Josh since it related to what they were talking about. 

“There is a certain amount of routine involved and we have disagreements because that’s part of marriage and life, but I never get tired of coming home to her, or tired of the way I can talk to her about anything and everything, and when I see her with our kids, it’s like all’s right with the world. You know when I married her I didn’t realize that I could love her more than I did then, but I do. It might not be the butterflies in the stomach and fireworks kind of love anymore, but that’s okay. It’s deeper, richer, more fulfilling.” 

Josh stood up to stretch and he walked to the wide window as he mulled that over. He liked the way Stanley talked about his wife. It was the way he wanted to think of Donna in 11 years. Well, except maybe with still a few fireworks. 

“I’m afraid of losing her, Stanley,” he said, slipping his hand in his pocket as he watched the world go by outside. “I’m afraid of making the same mistakes, screwing things up and losing her. After everything we’ve been through, I don’t think I could take losing her.” 

Stanley remained seated and watched him standing at the window. “I know you are, Josh and that proves everything I’ve been saying.” 

Josh turned to face him. “What do you mean?” he asked with a frown. 

“I mean that it’s good you’re worried about that,” Stanley replied. “It shows that your relationship with Donna is important. You’re not just waiting for her to break up with you, you’re thinking of what you can do to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’m guessing that’s probably a first for you.” 

Josh considered that. “I guess it is. It matters now and it never mattered before.” 

Stanley smiled a little. “How does it feel?” 

“Amazing and...” Josh got a tiny bit pale as he swallowed. “Terrifying.” 

Now Stanley grinned. “Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to feel. Welcome to the world, Josh.” 

“Thanks,” Josh began. “But now what about kids...” 

Stanley held up his hand to stop him. “Josh, I don’t have all the answers and even if I did, I wouldn’t just give them all to you. Some things you need to learn for yourself and figure out all on your own. Kids are definitely one of life’s great mysteries.” He paused and decided it was time to steer things back to the topic that had brought him there. “Now, why don’t we talk about what happened at the courthouse.” 

“Okay,” Josh said as he came back and sat down at the table. 

“Tell me what you remember about that day.” 

“Well, to know why Sam and I were at the courthouse, you have to go back about a week. Donna had jury duty and she didn’t want to do it so she was pestering me and Sam to either give her some kind of excuse to get out of it or to help her figure out a strategy to get the lawyers to excuse her. Of course she’d waited until like the day before to ask me about it and I had a bunch of other things on my mind and I was having a problem with my then, would-be girlfriend.” 

“And this would-be girlfriend, what was her name?” 

“Amy...Amy Gardner, one of the mean brunettes. She’s a big player in the Democratic party and one of the head people at the Women’s Leadership Counsel.” 

“Okay, not to get off the subject, but I want you to notice that right there, all you had to say about your would-be girlfriend was she was mean, brunette and a political player. Sounds like she’d make a great political ally, but a good girlfriend for you...not so much.” 

Josh sighed. “Yeah, I see what you mean.” 

“Well, I just wanted to point that out. Go on with what you were saying.” 

“So I had a lot on my mind and I was snippy with Donna and I went too far and said some things I shouldn’t have. Consequently, we ended up having a fight.” He let out a breath. “Usually stuff like that blows over with us, but a couple of days later when I had her help me decorate my apartment for my date with Amy, things were still...” 

“Wait, wait,” Stanley said. “You had her help you decorate your apartment for a date with your would-be girlfriend?” 

Josh grimaced. “Yeah, I was kind of hoping you’d missed that part. I also had her call Amy to invite her over,” he said sheepishly. “In my own defense I was still in denial world.” 

“Well, yes that is kind of obvious. By the way, Josh, in case no one has mentioned it yet, Donna is a saint and you better hang onto her.” 

“I know, Stanley,” he agreed. “Believe me, I know that.” He took a drink of tepid coffee. “Anyway, the weirdness between us continued and I was starting to feel bad about being snippy and not getting her out of jury duty. To be honest, I hate it when she’s mad at me, especially when I think it’s because I’ve hurt her feelings. So I thought I’d take her to lunch and make it up to her. I asked Sam to come along because he usually helps me smooth it over when I stick my foot in my mouth.” 

“So the foot sticking happens on a regular basis, does it?” Stanley teased. 

“Yes, I think you would know me well enough by now to see that would be obvious.” Josh sighed. “Anyway, I thought we’d surprise Donna, so we didn’t tell her we were coming. Sam and I went down there just before lunch and met Ainsley in the hall outside Donna’s courtroom.” He took another drink. “But I kind of wanted to see Donna in ‘juror action’ so I left them in the hall and went into the courtroom.” 

Stanley stopped him there. “Are you sorry you did that?” 

“What...? I don’t know what you mean?” 

“I mean do you regret going into the courtroom. That one action, that one decision pretty much changed everything for you. If you’d stayed out in the hall with Sam and Ainsley you wouldn’t have been in the courtroom when the gunmen came in. You wouldn’t have been shot in the shoulder and you wouldn’t have had to suffer through seeing Donna shot and watching her nearly bleed to death.” 

“Now you hold on a minute,” Josh said defensively. “I’m glad I was there. I’m THANKFUL that I was there. She needed me. She’s always the one taking care of me and making sure I’m all right and this was my chance to be there for her. It would have killed me not to be there. She still would have been shot and according to Sam I would have gotten to see it on closed circuit TV. At least being there I could stay with her, hold her hand...tell her it was going to be okay.” He paused. 

“Stanley...if I hadn’t been there, she might have died. They were going to shoot her, shoot us, because she was already well on her way to dying. In fact, Sam tells me that’s one of the things that ended up resolving the situation. The gunmen got into a fight over shooting her. One of them had promised me they wouldn’t hurt her any further. If I hadn’t been there, they might have killed her or things would have dragged on until she did bleed to death or maybe she would have just given up because she felt so alone and had no reason to hang on.” He paused. “God, Stanley, if I hadn’t been there, I never would have had the chance to know how she feels or tell her how I feel.” 

Stanley nodded. “I just wanted to see if you regretted the decision and I’m glad to see you don’t.” 

“I can’t even fathom what would have happened...to either of us...if I hadn’t been in there with her,” Josh told him with almost a shudder. 

“Okay...” Stanley looked down at his notes. “You said, Sam told you that the reason the situation got resolved was because the gunmen fought over shooting you and Donna. Why did Sam have to tell you? Didn’t you know?” 

“Well...” Josh hesitated. 

“I mean you weren’t injured at that point and according to what you said, you remembered them trying to shoot Donna...the second time I mean. What made you not remember the rest?” 

Stanley knew the details because Sam had told him about Josh’s lapse during the shooting, but he wanted to hear what Josh’s impression of it was. 

“Um...I sort of...blinked out...I guess would be the best description of it.” 

“Blinked out?” Stanley asked. “What’s the last thing you remember?” 

Josh felt a little trickle of cold sweat trail down his back as he thought about it. “I...the next deadline had come up,” he swallowed as he stared down at his hands. “The gunmen made one of the other juror’s, Dr. Tillingham, talk to the negotiator on the phone. The marshals still weren’t going to let the gunmen go. The gunmen...um, made her hang up the phone and then I saw...one of them...” His breathing got a little fast. “...pointing his gun at Donna.” He paused and looked up at Stanley. “I heard a shot...then...everything seemed to slide away.” 

“What do you remember next?” Stanley asked gently. 

“It was like waking up, but...I hadn’t been asleep. Sam and Dr. Tillingham were there, and I was holding Donna tightly in my arms. They got me to release her...and Sam sat me down by her feet. I vaguely noticed that the room was filled with new people. I assume they were marshals and FBI agents and paramedics, but I can’t swear to it,” he said absently. 

“It was the weirdest feeling. As if...as if Donna was the only thing in the room that was real and everything else was some kind of movie going on around us. Then the next thing I know, I’m yelling at someone because he’s trying to look at my shoulder--I didn’t even know I’d been shot at that point--when he should have been helping the others with Donna.” 

“Josh...look at me,” Stanley said softly, but firmly. Josh met Stanley’s gaze. “Tell me what was going through your mind when you ‘blanked’ out.” 

“I think...” 

“Don’t ‘think,’ Josh,” Stanley told him. “You know what it is...it’s in your head, you created it, tell me what it is.” 

Josh blinked at him and searched down deep for an answer. “I had to protect her,” his voice sounded a little far away, but he held Stanley’s gaze. “It didn’t matter what happened to me, she was all there was. And if they were going to kill her they had to go through me. In fact, I was ready for them to go through me...if she died I didn’t want to live.” He paused. “It was all that went through my mind. Everything else was meaningless. Like being caught in a loop or having tunnel vision.” 

“Good, Josh,” Stanley said with a nod as he made some notes. He leaned back in his chair. “So are you mad?” 

“About what?” Josh asked in confusion. 

Stanley shrugged. “About what happened at the courthouse...about Donna getting shot...anything.” 

“Well, of course I’m mad at the gunmen for coming in and threatening us and shooting Donna...wouldn’t you be?” he said defensively. 

“Sure, but we’re not talking about me.” He paused. “What makes you the angriest?” 

“All of it,” Josh replied. 

“Okay, but it you had to pick one...” 

“That they shot...Donna,” Josh told him. 

“That’s what really makes you the angriest?” Stanley prodded. 

“Yes.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“How many ways to you want me to say yes?!” Josh demanded. 

“I want you to tell me the truth.” 

Josh ran his hand over his face. He really didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Stanley...” 

“Cut the crap, Josh and tell me what’s really eating at you.” 

“Nothing is eating me!” Josh insisted. “I’m angry because they shot, Donna! Okay?! Can we move on now?!” 

Stanley leaned back in this chair and quietly crossed his arms. 

“What the hell do you want from me!” he said as he stood up and started to pace. “They shot her, shouldn’t I be mad?!” He was breathing hard from all the yelling. “Of course, it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been stupid enough to push the deputy...” He realized what he’d just said and he stopped pacing to stare at Stanley. 

Stanley had wondered when he was going to realize it. “Go ahead, Josh,” Stanley said calmly. “I’m the one you tell, remember?” 

Shame and regret flooded through him. “Stanley...I didn’t mean that.” 

Stanley looked at him for a long moment. “I have to disagree. I think that’s exactly what you meant.” 

A small, deeply buried flood gate seemed to open and Josh felt hot, slippery anger wash through him. 

“What the hell was she thinking?!!” he exploded. “How could she put herself in harm’s way like that?!!! She stood up to 8 armed gunmen and tried to talk them into not shooting this guy....this perfect STRANGER!!!” His hands had clenched into fists and they all but shook with rage. “And when she couldn’t convince them...she...shoved the guy out of the way! Didn’t she know it would put her right in the line of fire?!! And I couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch!!!” 

Josh stood there facing Stanley, breathing heavily, the anger draining out of him as quickly as it had arrived. It left him feeling tired and a little sick. 

His eyes focused in on Stanley. “I guess that makes me about the most horrible person ever,” Josh said quietly as he leaned his back against the wall. “She’s laying in the hospital mostly paralyzed and I’m bitching about how bad it was for me to watch her risk her life.” 

“No, Josh, it doesn’t make you a horrible person,” Stanley told him. 

Josh continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “I don’t think she’s stupid,” he insisted. “In fact, she’s smarter than me and I know she pushed the deputy out of the way because she’s compassionate and was trying to save his life.” He paused. “She didn’t expect to get shot,” he added quietly. 

“No, she didn’t expect to get shot,” Stanley replied. “Josh, what you’re feeling is not a whole lot different than a loving parent being mad at a child for doing something that causes them to be injured. You love them and it’s because of that love that you want to keep them from harm.” 

Josh stopped pacing and stared at him. 

“You just said you had to protect her. Although it was overpowering when they were going to kill her, that instinct didn’t just suddenly appear. I’m guessing you’ve done things to protect her ever since you’ve known her.” 

Josh thought about the thing with Cliff and the diary and how he’d risked everything to help her. 

“But you couldn’t protect her from herself, Josh, and that’s why you’re mad. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you love her.” He paused. “It’s also part of the reason you feel guilty.” 

Josh had half hoped that Stanley had forgotten about the guilt thing that Donna had made him promise to discuss with Stanley. “I feel guilty because I’m mad at Donna for getting shot?” 

“Well, that’s one of the reasons. Why else do you feel guilty?” Stanley asked. 

“Because I should have gotten her out of jury duty when she asked me,” he replied. 

“You had no idea this was going to happen, Josh,” he pointed out. “She could get hurt crossing the street, getting coffee, she could slip in the shower and fracture her skull.” 

“Gee, Stanley, if this is your pep talk, it needs a little work,” Josh told him. 

“What I’m saying is, you can’t bundle her up in bubble wrap and tuck her in your pocket to keep her safe.” 

“I also shouldn’t have been so snippy to her when we had our fight,” Josh muttered. 

“Well, if you hurt her feelings, I’m guessing you are right about that. On the other hand, arguments are part of life. When something like the shooting happens, it reminds us that life is too short to spend it being mad at or mean to those that are important to us. 

Josh walked back to the window. “I shouldn’t have taken Sam with me that day,” he remarked. “He wouldn’t have been in the middle of that mess if I hadn’t.” 

“Josh, let me tell you what I told Donna about Sam,” Stanley began. “He was glad he was there, he was glad that he could be there to help both of you. Just like you have no regrets about being in the courtroom with Donna, Sam has no regrets about being at the courthouse and the hospital with you.” He let out a breath. “And...in a roundabout way, what happened at the courthouse was good for Sam.” 

“You mean because he was bottling things up about Rosslyn and his dad,” Josh said as a statement rather than a question. 

“You know, Josh, some people would worry when they begin to sound a little too much like their therapist,” he teased. “But yes, grasshopper, Sam had some issues he needed to talk about and explore.” Then he smiled. “And, as Donna pointed out, because of the thing at the courthouse, Sam’s got Ainsley now, too.” 

“So you’re saying for Sam, it was a ‘win-win’ situation?” 

Stanley cocked his head. “Well, that’s not quite how I would have phrased it, but okay.” 

Josh smiled and looked back out the window. His smile faded. “Donna’s playing her own part in the ‘protection’ roundtable,” he said quietly. 

“I’m sure she is, but can you tell me what you’re referring to specifically?” 

“She hides things from me. About her condition,” he clarified. “About how she’s feeling. Sometimes I catch glimpses of it in her eyes before she can cover it.” 

“Glimpses of what?” 

“Fear...worry...sadness,” he turned away from the window. “I just wish she’d share it with me. I want to help her with it, I want to be there for her, but I know she’s trying to protect me from it.” 

“That must be frustrating for you.” 

“It is. I feel frustrated she won’t tell me and I don’t want to push her because she’s going through a lot of crap right now.” He sat down at the table again. “I guess I also feel guilty because she feels the need to protect me. Like I’ve been so emotionally unavailable to her in the past that she feels she can’t share her troubles with me.” 

“Josh...that’s just her way of expressing how much she cares about you. Even if you were the most emotionally healthy, stable guy in the world she would still try to protect you from it. Plus, like you said, right now she’s going through a lot of things. She’s still trying to process things, and may not know quite how to express or talk about what she’s experiencing. If you continue to support her and be open to her needs, I think she’ll talk about it when she’s ready.” 

Josh nodded, knowing Stanley was right. “Okay.” 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m seeing her next week. I tried not to push her too hard yesterday, but there are some things I still want to cover with her. I thought it might be best to give her a couple days while I meet with Mr. Yakamoura.” 

“That does make me feel better, Stanley, really.” 

Stanley started to put his things back in his briefcase. “Well, Josh, you’ll be happy to know that I think this time you don’t need any supplemental therapy. Unless you start seeing signs of a PTSD attack coming on, that is. In which case, either call me or see the therapist I recommended last time.” 

The two of them stood up and walked to the door. “Thanks, Stanley,” he said, holding out his hand. The two men shook hands. 

“Always a pleasure, Josh, or at least always an interesting experience,” Stanley replied as they walked into the hall. Stanley said he had some things to do before his appointment later that evening with Mr. Yakamoura so Josh walked him out to the lobby and they parted company. 

Turning to head back for his office, Josh pulled out his cell to call Amy. He had to end the mess with her...today. He was done fooling around. Like Stanley had said, it was time to grow up. 

What he didn’t know was, he’d waited one day too long to deal with the situation and even as he walked into his office, it was in the process of blowing up in his face. 

********** 

Amy strode purposefully down the hall to the elevator. Stepping into an open car, she pushed the button for the right floor, and shifting the flowers that she carried to her left hand, pulled her cell phone out of her purse to call her assistant at the WLC. She noted, with annoyance, that she’d forgotten to charge her phone and the battery was dead. Throwing it back into her purse she followed the progress of the numbers as the elevator made a couple of stops so people could get on and off the elevator. Finally the car arrived at her floor and she stepped out. 

Looking at the number she’d scribbled on a piece of paper, she started down the corridor. Finding the correct room number, she poked her head into the doorway. Donna actually appeared to be in better shape than she had expected. She had an i.v. in her arm and although her hair looked like it could do with a washing, it was pulled loosely back into a neat ponytail. Currently, she was sitting up in bed watching TV. Amy had half hoped to find Josh visiting Donna so she could talk to him face to face. He’d been dodging her calls and she wanted to know why. But she was disappointed to see that Donna was alone. 

Clutching the small bouquet of flowers in her hand, she took a little breath, put a pleasant smile on her face, and walked into the room. 

“Hi, Donna,” she said brightly. 

Donna looked from the TV to her visitor and got the shock of her life. Amy...it was Amy. Why was she here? She longed for the restricted visitor list she’d had in the ICU. Hoping her mask was able to hide her ‘unpleasant’ surprise, she tried to smile. “Hi, Amy. Um...what...how are you?” she said conversationally. 

“I’m good. But look at you,” Amy exclaimed. “You look great. I heard your injuries were pretty serious, but you look terrific.” 

‘Looks can be deceiving,’ Donna thought as she smiled and hoped it didn’t look completely fake. “What a nice thing to say.” 

“I won’t stay long, but I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and see how you were doing.” 

“I appreciate that, Amy,” she lied. What she would appreciate was Amy leaving as quickly as possible so Donna’s heart would start beating again. “It was really nice of you to take the time to come and see me.” 

“Well, we’ve gotten to know each other a bit through Josh, so I thought it was only right to come and see how you were getting along.” She smiled. “You know, girlfriend to assistant...after all, we have to stick together.” 

‘Wait...wait...wait...hold on,’ Donna’s brain started screaming. ‘Did she just say “girlfriend”? As in she was still JOSH’S girlfriend?’ It was almost too much to take in. 

“Oh, right,” Donna managed weakly as her brain started to try and process this new information. 

Amy completely missed the look of shock in the other woman’s eyes as she held up the flowers she’d brought. “These are for you...I hope you’ll have a speedy recovery.” 

Donna took the flowers and was grateful that it wasn’t a heavy vase or something. “Thank you...that was very thoughtful.” 

“You’re welcome. So, any idea when they’re going to release you?” Amy asked. 

“Well, it depends on a couple things,” Donna replied. “But probably in a week or so. Actually it’s not so much of a release as a transfer.” 

“Oh? Where are they sending you?” 

“I’ll be in rehabilitation facility here in D.C. for another couple of weeks,” Donna told her. 

“Ah, I see,” Amy replied, not knowing quite what else to say. 

A brief, slightly awkward silence developed between them. Amy finally broke it. “Actually, Donna, there is something I hope you can help me with...” 

“Oh, what’s that?” she asked. 

“Well...I’m kind of wondering...do you know what’s going on with Josh? I mean, I know that he’s been busy looking after you and working at the White House but I’ve been having a hard time getting a hold of him. His new assistant, Alan, or something,” she grinned. “Who, by the way, can’t hold a candle to you...has been no help at all.” She paused for a moment. “You wouldn’t happen to know what’s going on...would you?” she asked hopefully. 

“I...” Donna began. ‘What the hell??!!’ her mind was screeching. But she wasn’t about to let Amy see the hornets’ nest she’d stirred up. “No...I don’t know,” she said placidly and in direct opposition to the pounding of her heart and throbbing that had begun at the base of her skull. “But being here has kind of kept me out of the loop.” 

Amy wasn’t able to mask her disappointment all that well. “Oh, well, sure,” she said with a smile that seemed genuine enough. “I’m sorry I bothered you about it, I just know how close you are to Josh and thought maybe he’d confided in you.” 

“Sorry,” Donna said feeling lightheaded and sick to her stomach. 

Amy tried to laugh a little, but it wasn’t very convincing. “I’d almost say that there’s another woman, but I know he hasn’t had time for another woman.” 

‘Oh, God,’ she thought in horror. ‘I’M the other woman.’ 

“Yes, he’s been very busy,” Donna managed to say, although she wasn’t sure how since she was pretty sure she’d stopped breathing. “He...um, hasn’t talked about there being anyone else.” Well, besides her, of course. 

“Okay, I appreciate you talking to me about it,” Amy told her. Then she glanced at her watch. “Hey, I’ve got to get going. You take it easy.” 

Donna said the only thing that came to mind. “I will, thanks for coming by.” 

“You’re welcome,” she said as she turned and started for the door. She paused in the doorway. “Oh, and tell Josh to call me,” she said with a little grin before she waved and disappeared out into the hall. 

Donna sat there...stunned beyond all measure. Josh hadn’t broken things off with Amy. What did that mean? 

Feeling like even sitting up in bed was too much to manage, Donna put the flowers down on the bed table, lowered the bed into a flat position and stared up at the ceiling. 

It was like Amy had handed Donna a key. A key to a great door that Donna had locked every fear and worry she’d ever had about Josh behind. And by unlocking that door, suddenly they were flooding over her in a painful, choking torrent. 

Did he still have a thing for Amy? Was Donna really the ‘other woman’? Had Josh just been trying to speed her recovery along and keep up her spirits by saying he loved her? Was he with her just out of pity because of her injuries or guilt that it was his fault she’d been hurt? 

What if he’d honestly felt like he loved her in the courtroom and meant those words when he thought she was going to die, but when things had calmed down and he’d had time to think, he’d changed his mind? Was he staying with her out of some sense of noble responsibility? 

Or was it a case of Josh breaking up with Amy and neglecting to tell Amy that? Would that be what he did when he got tired of her too? When Josh wanted to break up with her, would she too, be the last one to know? 

The tears began then. No sobs, just a virtual flood of tears trailing down the sides of her face and into her hair. 

Oh, God, what was she going to do? 


	30. Trial by Fire 29

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 29**

Josh walked into the hospital through the front entrance - the story of the courthouse shooting was old enough that the press was no longer camped outside - and headed for the elevator. 

After trying to call Amy’s cell and only getting her voicemail, Josh had left her a message saying he was sorry he hadn’t gotten back to her and that they needed to talk. Satisfied that he’d taken a first step toward tying things up with her, he decided to head off to see Donna. Originally they’d planned for him to skip lunch because they didn’t know how long his thing with Stanley would take, but since it hadn’t gone very late, he’d be able to spend lunch with Donna after all. 

As the elevator dinged to indicate that the car was arriving, Josh stood slightly to the side in case people would need to get off before he could get on. The doors opened and the occupants began stepping out. The last person off the elevator made him blink in surprise. 

“Amy?” he asked in surprise. 

At the sound of his voice she turned. She wasn’t sure if she should hug him or hit him. “Hey, J,” she replied as she stepped off to the side of the elevator out of the way. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked her. A little prickle of warning began to creep along his spine. 

“I was just up to visit Donna. She’s looks like she’s doing really well,” Amy commented. She wasn’t about to let him know that she’d also been hoping to see him. His ego was big enough already. “I assume you’re here to see her too? “ 

Josh just stared at her. She’d just seen Donna? 

“J...?” Amy prompted. 

Josh shook himself. “What...oh yeah, I’m here to have lunch with her.” 

Amy smiled. “Well, you’ve been a good friend to her through this whole thing.” 

He didn’t even hesitate. “She’s more than a friend to me, Amy.” 

Amy looked at him with a suspicious little frown. “J...what do you mean?” 

Josh swallowed, here’s where he tested his newly recognized maturity. “Um...let’s go in here...” he said, moving to a small waiting room a few yards up the hall. He was pretty sure there was going to be yelling or some kind of scene and he’d just as soon not have it happen out in the main hospital corridor. 

“J...!” she said irritably now as she followed him into the empty room. “What the hell is going on?!” she demanded. “What did you mean when you said she’s more than a friend?” 

“Um, look Amy...” Josh began. 

The truth was clearly written on his face and things seemed to fall right into place. “Oh, wow...” she said with a disbelieving chuckle. “Donna’s a really good actress.” 

Josh frowned deeply. “What are you...?” 

Amy felt herself getting angry. “How long?” 

“What...?” 

“When you came to my office that first time I asked you if you were dating your assistant...you said no...” she told him. “So now I’m asking you HOW LONG have you been dating your assistant?” She wasn’t yelling, but she really didn’t need to. Her tone said it all. 

“I’m not...dating her,” Josh fumbled. Then suddenly his voice grew solid and calm. “I’m in love with her.” 

“Oh, God! You’re joking? I mean we’re in the middle of some Candid Camera episode, right?” she said. 

“No, I’m not joking...I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry...?” she began. “You’re standing there...telling me...you...are...in love...with...your...assistant and all you have to say is I’M SORRY?” 

Josh stared at her, knowing he deserved her anger. “No, I’m not in love with my assistant...I’m in love with Donnatella Moss.” It felt wonderful to say the words loudly and proudly. “But, yes...I’m sorry.” 

“You’re damn right you’re sorry!” She had safely reached the ‘yelling’ stage. “Again I say...HOW LONG?” 

Although he knew that Amy could probably gut him like a fish with a verbal lashing alone, he wasn’t afraid. “I’ve probably loved her since the day I met her,” he answered calmly. “But I didn’t realize it until we were in the courtroom and she was shot.” 

“So for almost two weeks...” she said. “TWO WEEKS!” Turning her back, she paced away from him. “God, I’m SO stupid. Here I’ve been telling myself that you’ve just been too busy with the shooting and work to return my calls or see me...and now I find out you’ve been pining by the bedside of your leggy blonde assistant!” 

“It’s not like that!” Josh was yelling now too. 

Amy turned and looked at him...a little smirk that was anything but happy formed on her face. “Wait...wait...now I get it. I know why you’ve been ignoring my calls...you were hoping I would go away, right?” She paused. “Don’t even try to tell me it wasn’t like that.” 

Josh grimaced. “Well, okay it was a little like that...” 

“Try again...” 

“Okay, it was a lot like that.” 

“God, J, what are you...10 years old?” she asked. “I mean did you honestly think that I was just going to roll over and play dead or something? You chase me around, convince me that John Tandy is only using me as a photo op, throw me that Tahitian Nights thing, and you think I’m not going to want to know why you suddenly start avoiding me like I have the plague?!” 

“Well, when you put it like that...” 

“J...!” she yelled trying resist the urge to knee him in the groin. She let out a breath. “Okay...so what about all that crap you told me about what you do reflecting on the President?” 

“Well, that’s true, but I don’t care anymore,” he told her. “And CJ’s got a plan to deal with the Press. 

“Are you sure this isn’t just some Florence Nightingale...White Knight saving the damsel in distress thing?” 

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Josh told her. 

“I mean I’m not going to wake up in a month to you pounding on my door, saying you got it all wrong...you were having some kind of momentary lapse...and will I take you back...” She looked at him pointedly. “Am I?” 

“No...no you won’t,” he said softly but with complete confidence. 

“Well, that’s good, J...because if you do...I’m slamming the door in your face and calling the police.” 

“It won’t be necessary,” he assured her. 

Amy stood there for a moment, then she let out another disbelieving chuckle as she shook her head. “Donna must be laughing her ass off. There I was asking her if there was another woman and all that time she knew SHE was the other woman.” 

“Don’t you EVER call her that!” Josh exclaimed vehemently. 

Suddenly, the prickling that had been playing up and down his spine began to gather at the base of his skull. ‘Oh, God...There’s no way that Donna would have known that I hadn’t broken up with Amy.’ 

“What did you say to her?” he asked with a narrowed gaze. 

“Like you care...” Amy said flippantly. 

“DAMN IT, AMY! WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?!” Josh demanded. 

Amy blinked at him and was surprised at the real anger she heard in his voice. “What?! I told her I was in the neighborhood...that she looked good...I gave her the flowers I brought and said that since I was your girlfriend and she was your assistant we needed to stick together...” 

Josh’s heart sank. Donna was going to kill him. “Oh, no...you didn’t,” he said as a statement rather than a question. 

“Yes, I did, and I’m sure she’s having a good laugh over it right now,” Amy replied. 

“No, I don’t think she is,” Josh said quietly. He had royally screwed this up. “What else did you say to her?” 

“I asked her if she knew what was going on with you. That you hadn’t been returning my calls and I couldn’t get through to you at work...I said if I didn’t know better I’d think there was another woman but I knew you were too busy for that...” 

“No, no, no, no...” Josh said running his hand over his face. 

Amy watched him and saw his anger had melted into real concern...even fear and it made the wheels start turning in her head. “Josh...did you forget to tell Donna that you hadn’t broken up with me?” she asked with a frown. 

“I was going to!” he insisted. “I just...had a lot going on.” 

Shaking her head, Amy picked up her bag, which she’d tossed down on the low coffee table when they walked in. “Well, Josh, I’m not going to waste my breath on yelling at you any more. ‘Cause I imagine Donna will do way more to punish you than I ever could.” 

She walked over to him. “J...I’d like to say it’s been fun, but you’ve been kind of a pain in the ass.” Smiling, she patted him on the shoulder. “Good luck...I think you’re going to need it.” With that she turned and strode out of the room. 

Josh rubbed the back of his head. His mind hadn’t given Amy a second thought as she walked out, he was focused solely on Donna and her reaction to this bit of news. 

‘Maybe she wasn’t mad,‘ he thought hopefully as he headed for the elevator. ‘Maybe she was surprised, but once I explain she’ll understand.’ 

********** 

His hopes were shaken when he got to her room and he found her quietly crying. 

“Hey,” he said gently as he dropped his backpack into a chair. His heart took a lurch in his chest to see her crying because of something stupid he’d done. The hair on the sides of her face was visibly damp from all her tears. When she spoke in a quiet, oddly strong and clear voice, but wouldn’t look at him, his stomach dropped into his feet. 

“Do you have something you want to tell me?” 

He let out a breath. “Um...yeah.” 

“And what is it?” 

“I never broke up with Amy.” He rushed on before she could say anything. “But I saw her downstairs and I just took care of it.” 

She still hadn’t looked at him. “Well, don’t do it on my account.” 

He could hear the distress in her voice and was worried that if she got too upset she could have another stress attack like she did in the ICU. Mentally he reminded himself to try and keep things as calm as possible. 

“Donna...look at me,” he said gently but firmly. 

She turned his head to do as he asked and felt her anger erode a little as she met his gaze. It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him everything that had been bothering her, from her vast worries about being a burden to being scared that she would be the next one he’d ‘wait to break up with,’ but the words seemed to be stuck in her throat. 

As Josh looked into her eyes, a jolt of real fear shot through him when he saw the look there. Instead or the anger he expected, there was a look what was best described as...hopeless, yet determined. 

She stared at him now. “Did you break up with Amy because you got caught or did you break up with her because you wanted to break up with her?” she asked calmly. 

He blinked and had to resist the urge to squirm under her steady, nearly unblinking gaze. “I did it because I wanted to, Donna.” 

“Because you know you probably could juggle both of us. I mean with me all but trapped in this bed, it’s not like I’d ever know or anything.” She had to resist the urge to laugh bitterly. 

“Donna...come on...I would never do that,” he said. 

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the last two weeks?” 

“No! That’s not what I’ve been doing. From the time I was in the courtroom with you, it was all over for me and Amy.” He had to make her understand. “I just never had the chance to tell Amy. I have been a little busy...and,” he sighed. “And seeing as how you know me so well, you’ll believe me when I say I was kind of hoping she’d get the message and go away on her own.” 

‘Is that what you’re going to do to me when you find someone else?’ she asked silently. 

He was doing what he always did, tumble into someone sideways and wait for them to break up with him. She wanted to believe things would be different for him now that he was with her and not Amy, but there was no way to be sure. Wasn’t there a saying about a leopard not being able to change his spots? If she was honest with herself she had to acknowledge that neither of them had great track records when it came to having long term relationships. 

“And how did this master plan of yours work out for you?” she asked. 

“Not very well,” he admitted. “But talking to Stanley today showed me that I couldn’t leave it hanging. I had every intention of breaking up with her today.” He paused. “I’m sorry...I’m really sorry. I never meant for you find out like this.” 

She stared at him. “What exactly are you sorry for, Josh? Are you sorry you didn’t break up with Amy or are you sorry that I found out?” 

“Both!” he insisted. “I’m sorry for both. I’m sorry I didn’t break up with her earlier and I’m sorry that you found out like you did.” 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” she asked. 

His first instinct was to lie, but he felt it was imperative that he be honest with her. “Probably not,” he said quietly. “I probably would have just broken up with her and let it stay at that.” 

“Well, thank you for being honest about that,” she said softly. 

“I figured it was time for some honesty.” 

Her mind was moving quickly now and it occurred to her that this could be an opportunity. By freeing him right here, she could protect him. She wouldn’t be a burden, their relationship wouldn’t be a scandal and he wouldn’t feel like he had to stay with her out of a sense of duty. Not to mention the fact that with Josh being a confirmed workaholic, he wouldn’t have to choose between spending time at work and spending time with her. 

“Josh, she stood here and unknowingly pointed out that I was the other woman. Do you know how that made me feel?” she told him quietly as more tears began to run down her face. ‘I’ was the other woman.” 

“No, Donna you don’t understand...” Josh began. 

“What don’t I understand?” she asked. “I was here, I heard what she said and I know what I felt.” 

“Donna...” He looked at her for a long moment. “What you don’t understand is that you weren’t the other woman...Amy was. She always has been.” 

Her heart felt like it was burning in her chest. That was an incredibly wonderful thing to say. “Oh, Josh,” she said with a wet whisper. 

“Please, Donna,” he pleaded. “I’m sorry...you have to believe me. I was stupid and immature and I screwed up.” 

She did believe him and in that moment, she forgave him for it. However, although it did fix this current situation, it did nothing to ease the worries that plagued her. Now that the door had been opened she didn’t feel like she had the strength to shove those fears and worries back inside. 

“Josh, I can’t compete with Amy, especially now.” 

He frowned. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean you like strong, powerful, sometimes sadistic brunettes who are mean to you... she told him. “That’s not me.” 

“What are you talking about? You’re mean to me on a regular basis,” he pointed out. 

“Yes, I am, but I only do it when you need it and I do it because I love you not because I like being mean,” she replied. “They do it because they LIKE being mean.” 

“Okay, fair point,” he agreed. Then he stopped as he realized they’d gotten away from his earlier question. “What did you mean when you said you can’t compete with Amy especially now?” 

“I...um...I don’t know,” she hedged. 

She was lying and he knew it. “Yes, you do...what did you mean?” he pressed. 

“I meant exactly what I said, I can’t compete with her.” 

“No, you said you couldn’t compete with her ‘especially now’?” 

“It’s just...but...” She sighed. “I can’t walk, Josh...how can I compete with ‘Super Amy’?” 

Josh was getting frustrated that she seemed to be continuing to throw up roadblocks left and right. “She’s not ‘Super Amy’,” he replied heatedly. “And you will walk again and even if you don’t, you know I don’t care about that.” 

His wonderful words threatened her resolve, but she had to stay strong...for both of them. If she broke things off with him now it would hurt beyond any pain her injuries had provided, but if she stayed with him and they got really serious and then he broke up with her, especially if it was like he’d broken up with Amy, she knew it would destroy her. If that made her weak, then so be it, but when you’ve had everything you ever wanted and it was taken away, there was nothing left. 

She looked away from him to stare back up at the ceiling. “No, I know you don’t care about it...but I do.” 

He felt her slipping from his grasp and it scared him to death. “Donna...there is no competition!” he insisted. “Don’t you see? Amy doesn’t know me...not like you do.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Nobody knows me like you do.” He let out a breath and tried to come up with a way to get through to her. 

“She doesn’t understand why I have blue pajamas that are 4 sizes too big...!” he exclaimed. “Or what it was like when we were out campaigning for the President and we had no money...or how the shooting gave me PTSD and high blood pressure...” he paused. “She’s never seen my scar...” he said softly. 

That surprised Donna a great deal and the sound in his voice drew her gaze from the ceiling back to his face. “How is that possible?” she asked with a frown. 

“I always wore a t-shirt,” he explained quietly. 

She watched him for a minute. “Well, technically I haven’t exactly seen it either. When I saw it, it was still an incision and not a scar.” 

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind if you saw it.” 

Donna’s heart went out to him. She thought of her own incisions that would become scars and her resolve to go through with her plan faltered. He was making this SO hard. Her heart twisted and she felt more tears begin to fall. She couldn’t turn back now. 

“I’m sorry, Josh,” she said simply. 

Something in her voice sent a chill through him. It sounded so...resigned. “What...?” 

“I’m sorry, Josh. I just...I can’t,” the tears were thick in her voice as well as on her face. ‘Please forgive me, Josh,’ she silently pleaded. ‘It’s better this way.’ 

“Can’t what?” he asked. 

“I can’t get past this,” she said. “I can’t forget that you kept this from me.” 

He stared at her in disbelief. “What are you saying?” 

She was glad that Dr. Scott told her that she had healed enough to probably not have any more “stress events.” What she had to do was going to hurt enough all on it’s own without her getting sick on top of it. Now if she could just manage to pull it off... 

“I’m saying I want you to go,” she said with a steely softness. 

“What?” Now he was stunned. If this was a nightmare he was having it was time he woke up. 

“I’d like you to go,” she replied. Her heart felt like it was being ripped out of her chest. 

“Donna! Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said?!” he demanded trying to keep his frustration from blooming into full blown anger. “I’m sorry...I screwed up, I know that I...” 

“Yes, I’ve heard everything you said,” she answered. The quietness in her voice was in contrast to the heat in Josh’s. “And I believe you when you say you’re sorry.” 

“Then why...?” 

“I’m sorry, too, Josh,” she let out a shaky breath and went back to staring at the ceiling. It was easier when she didn’t have to see the pain and the pleading she’d put in his eyes. “I don’t want you to come and see me anymore.” 

Josh thought he was going to be sick. He came into the hospital feeling so terrific about where things were going with Donna and now things were lying in broken pieces. 

“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded. 

Donna swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s done,” she whispered. 

“No!” he insisted. “It’s not done. This is not over.” 

“I want you to go now, Josh,” she replied. 

Josh could see that she had made up her mind...for now. If he tried to push her any more, he was afraid she might withdraw even farther. She just needed a little time. That had to be it. His mind was unable to face any other possibility. 

“All right, I’ll go,” he said quietly. “But I want you to know...if you want me or need me, for anything, and I mean anything, all you have to do is call and I’ll be here.” 

“Josh, please...” she said with a little sob. 

He didn’t want to upset her any more than she was. “Okay, I’m going. Just promise me you’ll remember what I said.” 

“I will,” she whispered. 

With a heavy heart he turned away from her bed, picked up his backpack and walked to the door. His steps were more of a shuffle than his regular loose legged gait. He just couldn’t work up enough energy for anything else. A physical pain went through him as he realized it was the first time he hadn’t kissed her good-bye before he left. 

As he had done the day before when he’d left Donna and Stanley together, he paused at the door and turned partially back to look at her. “I also want you to remember that I still love you.” 

Donna squeezed her eyes shut as he disappeared out into the hall, but it did nothing to stem the tidal wave of tears that exploded from her eyes or the sobs that began to shake her body. She didn’t care that it made her back and her stomach hurt. Those pains were infinitesimal to the pain in her heart...in her soul. 

She wanted to call him back...to tell him she didn’t mean it, to tell him why she was pushing him away, and that she was being a fool...but he was gone and she knew what she’d done couldn’t be undone. 

********** 

Dazed, Josh walked into his office, dumped his backpack on the floor and sank down in his desk chair. His head dropped heavily into his hands as he considered the situation he found himself in. 

‘What am I going to do?’ he asked himself silently for the 300th time since he’d left the hospital. 

‘What I need is a plan...’ he thought. “Wait...that’s it, I need a plan,” he mumbled as he lifted his head out of his hands. Hope flared inside him, yes, he needed a plan and to get one he needed some help. 

As if he’d been stuck in the back with a cattle prod, Josh jumped up out of his chair and headed for Sam’s office. 

He found Sam not in his own office, but sitting on the couch in Toby’s. He and Toby appeared to be doing what they usually did...arguing about speechwriting. Well, it wasn’t so much arguing as it was bickering like an old married couple. 

“Seriously, Sam, you need to remember to at least try and use punctuation once in a while,” Toby said. “It makes it really hard to proofread when there are no, periods, or you know...commas.” 

“I can’t help it,” Sam replied. “I write in ‘word pictures’.” 

Toby frowned. “Word pictures? Where the hell did you get a stupid ass thing like ‘word pictures’?“ 

“I’m just saying...” 

“No, I’M just saying you better start using some punctuation or I’m going to stand over your shoulder and whack your knuckles with a ruler every time you write a run on sentence!” he said, pounding his fist lightly on the desk for emphasis. 

Sam was unfazed. “Well, gee Toby, since you’ve got that whole parochial school image going on, you better go all out then and wear a habit so we can call you sister Mary Ziegler.” 

Before Toby could mount a reply, Josh burst into his office. 

“I need your help,” Josh said as he closed the door behind him. “I have a problem.” 

Toby finished glaring at Sam and looked at Josh. “Well, logically, needing help would sort of assume you have a problem, wouldn’t it?” 

Sam grinned at Toby. “’Logically?’ What are you Mr. Spock now?” 

“Yes, Sam, from a nun to a Vulcan, I’m quite the quick change artist.” 

“Seriously, you guys, I have a huge problem...with Donna.” 

As they were both very fond of Donna, his words got their attention. “What is it Josh?” Sam asked concerned that maybe she’d had a medical setback of some kind. 

Josh let out a breath. “I think Donna just broke up with me.” 

Sam and Toby were so stunned it took a moment for either of them to reply. “What makes you think that?” Toby asked. 

“I did something really stupid, we had an argument, she threw me out of her room and told me not to come back.” 

“Well, yeah, that sounds like a break-up to me,” Toby commented. “Wait, you said you had an argument?” I thought you weren’t supposed to upset her because she might have one of those stress things like she did with CJ.” 

“Well, for the most part the argument was fairly civil, and I think she’s farther along in her recovery and isn’t as prone to them as she was before,” Josh explained, hoping he was right. 

“What did you do?” Sam asked. 

Josh turned back to Sam. “Huh...what?” 

“What was the stupid thing you did?” he clarified. 

Josh grimaced. “Well...between taking care of Donna and working, I’ve been so busy the last two weeks that I...” 

“What...you what?” Toby prompted. 

“I sort of...forgot to break up with Amy...” Their reaction was instantaneous. 

“YOU DIDN’T BREAK UP WITH AMY?!!!” they both yelled. 

Apparently closing the door to Toby’s office had been a useless gesture. “Do you think you could scream a little louder?! I don’t think the President heard you in the Oval Office!” 

“Why didn’t you break up with Amy?” Toby demanded. “Please don’t tell me it’s because you still have ‘ensorcelled’ feelings for her or some schmuck ass thing like that.” 

“No, I don’t have feelings for Amy any more, Toby. I told you, I didn’t break up with her because I’ve hardly had time to sleep much less find time to talk to her! Donna’s been my only concern,” Josh insisted. 

“Good, because if I thought you were stringing Donna along, I’d have to break your knee caps!!!” Toby yelled. 

Even though he’d stayed away from visiting Donna, in case she would see him as an extension of CJ, he still cared for her like a big brother. Not that he could ever come right out and admit it, of course. 

“Wait...wait...” Sam put in suspiciously. “The night of the shooting when we were in your hospital room...I told you to extricate yourself from Amy right away and you said you were bad with confrontation.” He paused and narrowed his gaze at Josh. “I’ll grant you the fact that you’ve been busy, but you’ve been ignoring Amy, haven’t you? You’ve been hoping she’d go away on her own?” 

Josh flushed guiltily. “Well, yes....BUT in my own defense, after talking to Stanley this morning I had decided to break things off with her once and for all...which by the way, is exactly what I did.” 

“Okay...so let me see if I’ve got this,” Toby began. “Your problem is you told Donna about breaking up with Amy, or not breaking up with Amy until this morning, and she got mad and threw you out of her room?” 

Josh grimaced again. “Not exactly.” 

“What do you mean, ‘not exactly’?” Sam asked him. 

“Well, and this was unintentional...Amy told her.” 

“AMY TOLD HER??!!!” Again, Toby and Sam both screamed at the same time. 

“Okay...we need to stop doing that,” Toby told Sam. 

“Oh, Josh, you are so screwed,” Sam said. 

“Thanks, Sam, I appreciate the support. What have you got, Toby?” 

“I’m afraid I’m with Sam on this one,” Toby replied. “Just be glad CJ’s not here or she would have had you up against the wall with her hands around your throat by now.” 

“COME ON YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?” Josh yelled. “Tell me how to fix this. 

“All right, all right,” Sam said. “Why don’t you back up and tell us exactly what happened.” 

Josh went through the story from the time he left his meeting with Stanley to when Donna told him to leave for the last time. 

“...So I could see she was upset. Okay...I can understand that,” he told them. “I know I deserve a little time in the penalty box for this snafu with Amy.” 

“It’s not so much a snafu as a debacle,” Toby replied. 

“Thanks, Toby, I hadn’t figured that out,” Josh shot back. “Anyway, I didn’t want to push her any farther so I decided to leave. Then I headed back here to try and figure out what to do and how to make this up to her.” He paused. “I’m hoping that once she’s had some time to think about it and calm down, she’ll forgive me and someday we’ll laugh about our first fight.” 

He stopped talking and a silence fell as the three of them considered the situation and tried to think of what to do. 

“Well, I think it was a good idea to give her some time,” Sam agreed. “And I think what you said before you left about still being there for her was good too. Donna’s a reasonable person. You already gave her a heartfelt apology. I’m guessing she’ll think about it for a couple days and realize that you screwed up and you’re sorry and she’ll forgive you.” 

“How can you be sure?” Josh asked. 

“Well, look at what an enormous jackass I was to Ainsley and she still forgave me,” he replied. “And she’s a Republican,” he pointed out. 

“Yeah and they can hold a grudge longer than anyone,” Josh replied, trying to take heart in what Sam was saying. 

He turned to Toby. “You’ve been kind of quiet, Toby, what do you think?” 

“Well...first of all I want you both to know that the only reason I’ve allowed this little session of “Love Connection” to go on in my office, is my fondness for Donna. Otherwise, I would have kicked you both out of my office a half hour ago.” He paused. 

“As I’m the one who’s been divorced, I’m also probably not the best person to ask about how to have a successful relationship, but I agree that giving her a little time and space is the best idea right now. However, at some point I think it would be a good idea to make some kind of overture.” 

“Overture?” Josh asked. 

“Send her flowers or have someone take her a note or some kind of food she can eat,” he said being well aware that Donna’s food choices were limited at the moment. “That kind of thing. Keep her thinking about you and the fact that you’re still there waiting for her. It puts her in control. Women like to have the upper hand, especially when they’re in the right and they know it.” Toby paused. “I’m afraid for right now...you’re just going to have to sit in the dog house and wait for her to respond.” 

“Yeah, that’s about what I figured.“ Josh slumped tiredly against the wall. “I still need to look after her though, even if it’s not in person,” he said. “Sam do you think you and Ainsley could help me with that?” 

“Sure, anything you need.” 

“What I really need are spies. Just to make sure she’s okay and that she’s eating. Keep her spirits up.” 

“No problem,” Sam said. “I’ll talk to Ainsley.” 

“Good.” 

“I could help with that too, Josh,” Toby said gently. “Unless you think having me there will upset her.” 

“I don’t think it would upset her. In fact, I think she’d like to see you. You know it would be great if you could take her the matzo ball soup I’ve been taking her. There’s a place by my apartment...” 

“City Deli?” he guessed. 

“Yeah. How’d you know?” 

He smiled. “Cause it’s the same place Donna had me get matzo ball soup for you after Rosslyn. She said it was the only kind you’d eat.” 

Josh let out a breath, her thoughtfulness from back then touched him. “Yeah, it’s also the only broth she’ll eat. You have to ask for it without the matzo balls ‘cause she can’t eat them yet. Her doctor okayed the broth though. Oh, and have them put it in a Styrofoam cup and get her a straw. Using a spoon for very long is hard for her and it’s easier it she can just drink it.” 

“Okay,” Toby said with a nod. “I guess I’ll take the dinner shift then.” 

“Ainsley and I will take the day shift.” 

“Be sure you give her the morning to herself. Morning boot camp is really exhausting and she needs a little time to get herself together before she has visitors.” 

Sam nodded. “Okay.” 

“Thanks, guys,” Josh said as he let out a sigh of relief. 

He felt a little better now that they had a plan and he knew Donna wouldn’t be alone. Maybe things would be okay after all. 


	31. Trial by Fire 30

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 30**

Late the next morning, Sam stepped into Donna’s room to find her sitting by the window in a wheelchair. 

“Hey, Donna,” he greeted her. 

Slowly, almost tiredly, Donna turned her head to look at him. “Hi, Sam,” she replied quietly. 

Sam pulled a chair over to where she was and sat down. “It’s great to see you sitting up again,” he commented. She looked tired and her eyes, although dry at the moment, were pink from crying. “How are you doing?” 

Donna sighed inwardly, she knew that Sam was there because he was worried about her, not to mention that Josh probably asked him to come, but she was running low on energy and she definitely didn’t want to talk about Josh. The pain of what she had done yesterday seemed to fill every cell in her body and her back seemed to ache with a renewed viciousness that even the new pain meds didn’t seem to dull all that effectively. 

It had occurred to her when she’d opened her eyes that morning that she really had no reason to wake up. No Josh...no job...not even a place to live once she was out of the hospital or rehab. To save her from having to pay another month’s rent at her old place, Josh had already arranged to have movers transfer her things from her apartment to his. It was yet another thing she’d have to think about later. For the time being, however, she was just trying to get through the day. 

“Donna?” Sam said again with a worried little frown. When he’d asked her how she was doing she’d only stared at him blankly. 

She blinked and remembered that he’d asked her something, but she didn’t answer him. “Josh sent you...didn’t he?” she said softly. 

“Well, he wanted me to check on you, but I would have come anyway.” He laid his hand gently on her forearm. “I’m your friend too, Donna,” he said gently. 

“I know you are, Sam,” she said trying to give him a little smile. “And you’ve been a good friend to both of us.” She couldn’t keep the tears from filling her eyes. Josh’s thoughtfulness was another stab to her heart. “You can tell him I’m fine.” 

Sam looked at her for a long moment. “Are you?” 

“Sure, I am. You don’t need to worry about me and neither does he.” 

“Donna, I hate to tell you this, but we’re going to worry about you whether you want us to or not,” Sam replied. 

“Okay,” she said not wanting to argue. “Sam?” 

“Yes?” 

“Would you do something for me?” she asked. 

“Of course, anything,” Sam replied. 

“Take care of him for me.” 

Sam hated that she sounded so final, almost like she was going to die or disappear any minute. “You know I will, Donna, but right now, the best way I can think to do that is to get you to talk this thing out with him.” 

She turned back toward the window so he wouldn’t see the truth in her eyes. “There’s nothing left to say, Sam.” 

“I know he is,” she replied, still looking out the window.

Sam frowned. “Then why... 

She sighed and hoped her mask stayed in place. “Because, Sam, it doesn’t matter...I can’t forget that I came out as the other woman in this situation.” 

“Josh doesn’t see you as the other woman and neither do the rest of us,” he told her. 

“I know it’s not logical, but it’s how I feel and that’s all there is to it.” She was a little surprised her voice sounded so calm and steady. That definitely wasn’t how she was feeling inside, but she had to admit, wearing her mask for Sam was easier than wearing it for Josh. 

“Donna...” 

Now she looked at him. “Please, Sam, can we talk about something else?” 

He could see he wasn’t going to get any farther. “Sure,” he said and began to tell her how things were going with the new gun bill. 

********** 

Josh read the paragraph in the briefing memo for the 4th time and still had no idea what it said. He glanced at his watch and wondered when Sam would be back to give him a report on Donna. 

With a sigh, he started searching the top of his desk for file folder the briefing memo had come in. It contained some more information he needed. The longer he couldn’t find it, the more frustrated he got. “ALAN!!!” he roared without looking up. 

“You know, Josh, one would think that after all this time you could remember my name is ‘Sam’.” 

Josh looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway. “Sam! Come on in...how did things go?” 

Before Sam could answer, a tall, thin man stood in the doorway behind Sam. “You screamed?” Alan asked Josh. 

“No, go away...” Josh told him. His only focus now was hearing what Sam had to say. 

“But you....” Alan began. 

“Later!” Josh yelled. The unflappable young man only rolled his eyes and shrugged before going back to his desk. 

“It’s good to see the two of you getting along so well,” Sam remarked with a smirk. 

Josh waved his hand vaguely. “He’s annoying, but passably competent,” he said as he closed the door behind Sam. “So what happened?” 

“About what?”

“About a couple things. She said she was fine and we didn’t need to worry about her.” 

“And?” Josh prompted. 

Sam knew what he was fishing for. “She said she still didn’t want to talk to you,” he said quietly and he hated the way that the hopeful look on Josh’s face disappeared. 

“Oh...okay.” He sagged into his chair. He tried to pretend that Donna’s continued refusal to see him didn’t hurt, but he was finding it nearly impossible. 

“I think she still loves you, Josh,” Sam added. “But she’s having a hard time with being ‘the other woman’.” 

“But she’s not the other woman!” Josh said grumbled in frustration. 

“I know...I know. I told her that,” Sam told him. 

Josh ran a hand through his hair and leaned back in his chair. “How did she look?” he asked, his voice quiet and almost...defeated. 

Sam was quiet for a moment. “She looked tired.” 

“Sometimes she has trouble sleeping,” Josh said absently. 

“Yeah. Oh, there was another thing...” Sam said. 

Josh frowned. “What’s that?” 

“Although she wasn’t crying when I got there, I’m pretty sure she had been earlier.” 

Josh didn’t like to hear that she’d been crying, but at least it showed him that she was feeling as miserable about things as he did. Josh smiled grimly. “Okay, thanks for telling me, Sam.” 

“What are you going to do now?” 

Josh let out a breath. “I guess there’s not much I can do but wait and hope.” 

********** 

“Come on, Donna, you’re not even trying,” Dana told her during ‘boot camp’ the following morning as she watched Donna trying to lift her arm while she held a small weight. 

“It’s too heavy,” Donna said quietly. 

“But you were almost able to do it a couple days ago,” Dana pointed out. “You seemed so committed. Why are you wimping out on me now?” 

“I don’t know,” Donna replied. She knew it was Dana’s job to motivate and cajole her into working harder, but Donna couldn’t work up the energy to care. 

“You said you wanted to do more things on your own,” Dana reminded her. “You can’t do that until you get your strength built up.” 

“I guess I’m just not having a good day,” Donna said and it was the truth. 

In addition to not having any energy, Donna’s back was giving her even more pain than before and now her abdomen seemed to be getting in on the act. It felt a lot like when she had cramps, and she felt like she had to pee all the time. Without the catheter and despite what she’d thought when Dr. Scott said she’d need to wear a ‘protective undergarment,’ she was glad she had it on now. 

Dana was a little dismayed to see her patient’s lack of interest. It was like she didn’t care. An angry patient she could deal with, usually she could bully them into it or pick a fight to get them to work, but an apathetic patient was the hardest nut to crack. She’d first noticed the apathy trend yesterday and had thought it was just an off day, but now it seemed more like a worsening trend. Dana thought maybe it was time to point out some accomplishments Donna had made. 

“Donna you can’t give up now, the nurse told me yesterday that you’ve regained almost all the sensation in your left leg. That means both legs are ready for some real physio of their own, not just the stretching we’ve been doing.” 

“Terrific,” Donna muttered. 

“Speaking of the stretching, why don’t we put the weights aside for now and work on your legs for a bit?” 

“Fine,” Donna replied non-committally. 

Dana packed up the weights, pulled back the sheet, and started taking Donna through the routine. “Try moving your right foot.” Donna did so. “Now the right knee.” After a moment, where a sweat began to pop out on Donna forehead, she was able to move her right leg at the knee...marginally. “Come on, Donna, move it again.” 

“I’m too tired,” she replied. She just wanted the little pixie, Nazi storm trooper physical therapist to go away. 

“Okay...,” Dana said as she picked up Donna’s right foot and began to manipulate Donna’s leg to help with flexibility and reflex. “...but you’re not going to get your mobility back by giving up.” 

“Whatever,” was Donna’s only reply. 

Dana was determined not to give up as she bent Donna’s right leg slightly at the knee. “Okay, try to straighten your leg out.” 

Donna had a wicked image of drop kicking her across the room, but even that idea did little to lift her spirits. She did, however, feel momentarily pleased with herself when she was able to straighten out her leg slightly. 

“Good, Donna,” Dana told her. After trying that a few more times, Dana switched to her left leg. Even though Dana felt like Donna was giving it a half-hearted try, there was still no movement in her left foot or leg. “Okay, Donna I think that’s all for today,” she said, putting the leg back down and covering Donna back up. “But I want you to promise to snap out of whatever funk you’ve got yourself into before I come back tomorrow. It’s not doing you any good, in fact it’s only slowing you down.” 

“I’ll work on it,” Donna said. Somehow she didn’t think her attitude or her energy was going to be any better tomorrow. 

“That’s all I ask,” Dana said. “Okay, then, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Donna didn’t reply as Dana left the room. She only looked toward the window, miserably as she waited for the next part of boot camp, the medical check, to start. Sure enough a few minutes later, a young nurse, Donna couldn’t remember her name came into the room. 

“Good morning, Miss Moss,” she said breezily. 

Donna hated it when they were ‘breezy.’ 

“How are you doing today?” 

“I feel crummy, how about you?” Donna replied. The nastiness she hadn’t taken out on Dana was seeping through now. 

Nurse Breezy frowned. “You’re feeling badly? What’s the trouble?” 

“My back hurts...more than normal,” she added before ‘Breezy’ could tell her it was all part of having a back injury. “And I think I’m getting ready to start my period because I’m starting to have abdominal pain like when I’m going to start.” 

Nurse Breezy listened with interest as a small red flag went up in the back of her mind. “Anything else?” 

“I feel like I have to pee all the time,” Donna told her. Surprisingly, her ability to know when she had to pee had come back fairly quickly after they’d removed the catheter. 

“You do?” she said frowning a little harder. 

“Yes, especially last night and it hurts a little when I pee. Thank goodness I’m not drinking all that much and I’m wearing this diaper thing.” 

Nurse Breezy looked at her for a moment. “Well, let’s take a few minutes to do our morning check and see if we can’t find out why you’re not feeling so good.” 

Donna let out a breath. She was glad to see that someone was listening to her and they weren’t going to tell her to ‘grin and bear it’ or something equally stupid. 

“I’d appreciate that,” Donna said trying to make up for being a little snotty earlier. 

Nurse Breezy opened Donna’s chart and made note of all of the symptoms Donna had told her and then she took all of Donna’s current vital signs and added them to it as well. Her frown deepened when she took Donna’s temperature and found that she had a low grade fever. Another red flag went up. 

“Donna, I’ll be right back,” the nurse told her. “I just need to check something.” 

“Okay,” Donna said with a nod as she watched the nurse leave the room. 

Nurse Breezy was back in about 10 minutes. “Donna, I called Dr. Scott and he’d like me to get a urine sample so we can do some tests. If we get you into the bathroom, do you think that you could give me urine sample? Or I could use a catheter to get it when I change your undergarment.” 

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but can you use a catheter to get it?” Donna asked. “I just don’t think I have the energy for the bathroom right now.” 

Nurse Breezy smiled. “Sure, it’s no problem for me to do it that way,” she paused. “But I want to tell you, it might be a little uncomfortable for you with the symptoms you’ve told me about.” 

“I can live with that,” Donna told her. 

“Okay, I just need to go get some supplies and one of the other nurses to help me,” she patted her on the shoulder. “I’ll be right back.” 

“No problem,” Donna said, trying to make a joke out of it. “I’ve gotten used to having my goodies in the air for everyone to see.” Modesty had been one of the first things to go in the ICU when she’d been coherent enough to notice she had a urinary catheter. 

She laid there and waited for Nurse Breezy and her compatriot to come back. ‘Why would they need another urine sample?” she wondered as she tried to figure out if she should be concerned or not. 

********** 

The following evening, Donna wasn’t feeling any better, in fact she was pretty sure she was feeling worse. Dr. Scott had been by earlier in the day to tell her that they’d gotten back the results of her urine test and it looked like she had a fairly severe bladder infection. They’d added another antibiotic to the general one she’d already been taking, added extra i.v. fluids to try and flush the bacteria out of her system and upped her pain meds to try and make her more comfortable. While she felt marginally less pain, she felt more sleepy and more groggy from the additional medication and she was still running a low grade fever. They’d also put her back on a urinary catheter all the time because it was easier to take regular urine samples and Donna didn’t have to worry about having any accidents. Blessedly, physical therapy had been postponed until she was feeling better. 

So now she was lying in bed trying to watch TV, but she was finding that she had very little interest in what was actually on the screen. Her non-interest was interrupted by a knock at the open door. She turned her head to see Toby standing in the doorway with a Styrofoam cup in his hand. 

“Hi, Donna,” he said walking tentatively toward the bed. 

“Toby?” she said in surprise as she dropped the mask down into place as best she could with as bad as she was feeling. 

“Yeah,” he said with a smile. “I know it’s been a while, but I figured a face like mine was hard to forget.” 

“Of course, I didn’t forget it,” she said earnestly with a gentle smile, as she reached her hand out to him. “It’s good to see you.” She was a little surprised at how ridiculously happy she was to see him. Toby had always been like a big brother or a gruff uncle to her. 

Toby took hold of her hand, gave it a squeeze and laid it back on the bed. He had planned on seeing her the night before, but he’d gotten tied up with Leo and the President. 

“I even come bearing gifts,” he said setting the large cup down on the bed table. 

“Matzo ball soup?” Donna guessed with a smile as she raised the bed up a bit. 

“Yeah. A little bird told me you like it,” he told her meaningfully as he pulled up a chair. 

Donna didn’t comment for a moment. It was just another show of Josh’s thoughtfulness that made her heart ache. When she wasn’t nauseous, her appetite had been all but non-existent since yesterday and so she hadn’t had much of anything to eat. The idea of the heavenly broth was the first thing that had sounded remotely good to her. 

“Well, I thank you and the little bird,” she said quietly. 

“Oh, and I was told to bring you this to go with it.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a straw and held it out for her. 

She took it and removed the paper cover, with a little concentration she managed to press the straw through the hole in the lid. She knew he was waiting to see her try it so she took a small sip and prayed it stayed put. Luckily, it seemed to settle in her stomach without much protest. 

“Thanks, Toby.” 

“Speaking of the little bird...” Toby began. 

“Please, Toby,” she pleaded softly. “Don’t make me go there. I just...don’t have the energy to have that discussion again.” She paused. “Nothing has changed.” 

Toby didn’t want to push it. “Okay, consider the subject dropped.” He let out a breath. “So how are you?” 

“I’m doing fine,” she said taking another sip of the broth to help back up her words. 

“I’m asking because you look a little tired,” Toby said bluntly. 

What he didn’t say was that her face also looked a little too gaunt, almost as if her cheekbones were getting ready to cut their way through her skin and her eyes looked a little too sunken and dull. ‘She’s lost weight,’ he thought. He wondered if she looked this bad when Josh had seen her last or if it was new since then. 

Donna looked at him and saw him appraising her closely. “They changed some of my medication,” she explained, which was true. “The new meds make me kind of groggy.” 

“Oh?” he asked casually. “Meds for what?” 

“Pain meds,” she half lied. They had increased her pain meds, but she was lying by omission by not telling him about the other meds she was now taking. 

“How is Mr. Yaka....?” She tried to remember the name they’d given the President when he met with Stanley, but she couldn’t quite get it to surface. She wished the meds didn’t make her feel like her brain was wrapped in cotton. 

“Mr. Yakamoura?” Toby guessed. 

“Yes. How is he? I know he hasn’t been sleeping very well.” She frowned as Toby got a really odd, almost guilty look on his face. “Toby, is something wrong? Something serious?” She felt a little finger of panic. “It’s not Josh, is it?” 

Toby laid his hand on her shoulder. “No, no. Josh is fine,” he assured her. “Buried in work, of course.” He paused as he was glad to see she still cared about Josh. Maybe there was hope. “As for Mr. Yakamoura, he’s doing all right. He’s been having some trouble sleeping...” Toby had to swallow the words that burned in his throat. “...and I think I might have had something to do with it.” 

“Why do you think that?” 

Toby sighed. “Because we sort of had a thing the night of the Iowa Caucus and that’s when he started having trouble sleeping.” 

“What kind of thing?” she asked. 

“A stupid argument thing,” he said running a hand over his bald head. He didn’t know why he was telling her this. “As usual, I was trying to make a point,” he said with an annoyed little grin. 

If Donna hadn’t heard the self-directed anger in Toby’s words and she didn’t know that the President was indeed having trouble sleeping, she might have thought he was trying to make up some story that would illustrate how she should make up with Josh. As it was she knew he was being sincere with what he was saying. 

“I’m sure you didn’t mean to say something that would keep him up nights,” she told him softly. 

Toby looked at her. She really did have an enormous capacity to see the good in people, which made it all the more difficult to understand why she was acting like she was in regards to Josh. He wanted to say something to her about it, but suspected she would only close him down again. 

He leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Well, you know me and making a point. I always have to be right.” 

“Toby...” she began. “You’re being a little hard on yourself.” Then she stared at him. 

“Yeah, I’ve been told I have a problem with that.” He watched her for a moment. “But don’t you think you’re being just a little too hard on Josh?” 

“Well...I walked right into that one, didn’t I?” She took another sip of the broth. “I have my reasons, Toby,” she said quietly. 

“You wouldn’t want to share them would you?” he asked. 

“No...sorry,” she replied softly. “They’re my reasons and they’ll stay mine.” She paused. Since she wouldn’t talk about Josh, she felt like she needed to unburden herself about something else. “But Toby, there’s someone else I’ve been too hard on.” 

“Oh, who’s that?” 

“CJ...” she told him. 

Toby felt something in him relax. “She knows she screwed up, Donna, but she didn’t mean to upset you or hurt your feelings.” 

“I know she didn’t. She was just doing her job,” Donna answered. “I just...back then, Josh and I were so new...so precious to me that...it was bad timing on her part.” 

“You know, actually, she likes the idea of you and Josh,” he told her. 

Donna smiled. CJ’s approval was a little more important to her than she cared to admit. “Really?” she said hopefully. Then she realized it didn’t matter anymore since there was no more ‘her and Josh.’ 

Her heart felt leaden. “Well, I guess she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.” 

“Donna...” Toby said with a note of pleading in his voice. 

She knew where he wanted to go and she refused to let him take her there again. “Tell CJ that I’m sorry,” she said instead. “...and if she has time to come and see me, I’d like to see her.” 

Toby recognized that she put back up the “Forbidden Subject” sign again for Josh. “Okay, I’ll tell her,” he said. 

********** 

It was a bit late when Toby got back to the White House. It hadn’t taken long to wear Donna out, so rather than trying to continue making small talk he’d just sat and watched TV with her until the nurses had come in for her evening routine and to put her in traction. 

He found Josh right where he expected, in his office, at his desk, muttering to himself. 

“Who the hell are these idiots, they wouldn’t know a good idea if it hit them in their Republican asses,” he groused. 

“Hey, Josh,” Toby said from the doorway. 

Josh looked up, startled. He hadn’t realized it had gotten so late. “How’d it go?” 

Toby stood there for a moment. “It went fine,” he said, walking into the room. “For the most part she seemed okay.” 

Josh frowned. “What do you mean, ‘for the most part’?” 

“She looked tired,” Toby told him. “I asked her about it and she said they were giving her new pain medication that was making her groggy.” 

“New pain meds? They’d just changed them right before she saw Stanley and I thought they were working all right,” Josh said more to himself than Toby. 

Toby waited a moment before he told him the next thing. “Josh, she also looks like she’s lost weight. Was she looking especially thin when you saw her last?” 

Josh’s frown deepened and he felt his worry for her ramp up. He felt so useless standing on the sidelines and having to rely on others for information about her. “No, but then she was just starting to eat again. Did you take her the soup?” 

“Yeah, she sat there and drank most of it during our visit,” he said, playing with the change in his pants pocket. “She said thank you...to both of us.” 

Josh felt hope flare inside. “She mentioned me...?” 

“Yeah,” Toby said with a sigh. “But she also said nothing has changed.” He felt badly when he saw the hope evaporate from Josh’s face. 

“Oh...I see,” Josh said leaning back in his chair. He really didn’t see, but he didn’t know what else to say. 

“We talked a little bit about CJ. Donna said that she’s been too hard on CJ and she’d like to see CJ if she had time to come and visit her in the hospital.” 

Rather than making Josh glad that Donna was melting the ice with CJ, Toby’s words made him angry. “Well, that’s just great,” he said, standing up. “That’s just FUCKING great, Toby! Bully for CJ!” He shoved a stack of things off his desk furiously. “I don’t get it! She can forgive CJ for everything, but not me?!” 

It was so frustrating. He was giving her time and space and if anything she seemed to be more determined than ever to keep him away. Was this some stupid test he was failing? 

Toby stood there for a moment. “Actually....” 

The tone in Toby’s voice seemed to cut through Josh’s anger. “What?” 

“Well, I could be reading something into it but...” 

“What, Toby?! Spit it out.” 

“It’s just a little strange,” Toby told him. “A couple of things she said made me think that...and I can’t believe I’m saying this, because it sounds like I’m, you know, channeling Sam, but they made me think that she’s still in love with you.” 

Josh tried to squelch the tiny flame of hope that had come to life inside him again, but it wouldn’t be doused. “What things?” 

“The first time was when we were talking about Mr. Yakamoura. She misunderstood something and she thought I meant that something was wrong with you and she got really worried...almost frantic. Then when we were talking about CJ, I told Donna that CJ like the idea of you two and she almost seemed....excited, even...happy that CJ approved.” 

Josh blinked. “Really?” 

“Yeah, I swear,” Toby replied. 

“So you think there really is hope after all?” Josh asked him. 

Toby continued to play with the change in his pocket. “Hey, you’re the one in charge, Josh, I’m just the spy.” He gave Josh a teasing little smile. “How you interpret and what you do with the information I bring you is completely up to you.” 

********** 

The next day, just before lunch, Dr. Scott paid Donna a visit. He found her lying in bed and the TV was on, but she wasn’t watching it. Her gaze was directed toward the window instead. “Hi, Donna,” he said with a gentle smile. 

Turning her head slowly, she greeted him with a tired smile. The pain and fatigue were really dragging at her, as were her feelings of missing Josh. “Hi, Dr. Scott.” 

“How are you doing today?” 

“Not very well,” she told him honestly. In terms of the overall feeling in her body, she’d never felt worse in her life. Of course, it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart over the thing with Josh. 

“Yes, so the nurse tells me. Lower back giving you a lot of discomfort?” 

“Yeah, but it’s different than the pain from my surgery. The pain meds help some but it’s still here,” she told him. 

“Donna, have you had problems in the past with urinary tract infections?” 

“No I haven’t,” Donna answered. “Not that I know of anyway. I do try to drink...” She couldn’t quite find the word...why did that keep happening? She hated that she felt so confused. “...that red juice...” 

He frowned at her confusion. “Cranberry juice?” 

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “...I heard that it helps prevent the infections.” 

“Yes, cranberry juice can help prevent urinary tract infections,” he agreed. “Well, Donna, I’ve got some bad news, I’m afraid,” Dr. Scott told her. “Your temperature has inched up another degree since yesterday to 102, your symptoms are getting worse, and your urine was cloudy this morning. It appears that you don’t simply have a bladder infection as we first thought, but it’s spread to your kidneys. And that is a much more serious situation.” 

Donna blinked in surprise. “But how...” 

“It’s probably a number of factors, the biggest of which is probably directly traceable to your back injury,” he began. “When you were first brought in, your paralysis had caused you some bowel incontinence. The bacteria from that most likely found its way into your urinary tract and the shock from your injuries, including blood loss and the low fluid levels kept it from being flushed out. Being well hydrated keeps urine flowing the right way and keeps bacteria from backing up into your urinary tract.” He looked at her. “You with me so far?” 

“I guess so,” she said. 

Dr. Scott looked at her for a moment before continuing. “Your immobility from your paralysis and the urinary catheter we’ve had you on also makes you more susceptible to an infection.” 

“Is that why I’ve on been those anti....anti...” 

“Antibiotics,” he supplied again. Normally she was very sharp, he could see she was struggling a bit with her mental alertness. Whether it was from all the medication or because of the infection he couldn’t be sure. 

“Right...” Donna replied. “Is that why I’ve been on those anti-drugs from the beginning?” 

“Well, yes, that was part of it,” he replied. “We were using it as a preventative for a number of things.” He paused. “There are also three other things that might have contributed to the infection becoming more serious.” 

“What?” 

“First of all, your medications have probably been throwing your system off, not to mention the fact that your pain meds probably masked a lot of early symptoms. Then when we started letting you ingest liquids we lowered your i.v. fluids accordingly, which means you’re fluid levels would have dropped a bit. As I explained that means your body probably wasn’t flushing things away quite as efficiently as it should have. The third thing might be the bathroom routine we put you on. By ingesting liquids again and using the bathroom, new fecal bacteria may have been introduced into your urinary tract. 

Donna stared at him. She wasn’t scared or anything. In fact it all seemed kind of matter of fact to her. “Okay, so what happens next?” 

“Well, it really concerns me that you’re apparently getting worse and not better. With all the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medications you’re already taking it shouldn’t be happening. It tells me that we’re probably dealing with a very virulent, aggressive bacteria.” He let out a breath. 

“The first thing we need to do is identify the bacteria we’re dealing with. So, in addition to the regular urinalysis we’ve been doing, we’re going to do a test called a urine culture. Basically, it will show us exactly what bacteria is causing the infection, so we know specifically what antibiotic would have the best chance of fighting it off. It will take about 48 hours to get the results back on the test,” he explained. “We’ll also take a blood sample to check your white and red blood cell counts. That will let us know how severe the infection is.” 

“In the meantime, we’re basically going to try and keep you as comfortable as possible. We’ll up your pain meds a little bit more, keep on with the Tylenol to try and lower your fever, we’re taking you off oral liquids and putting you back on i.v. feedings.” 

“That’s good anyway, trying to eat...or drink food of any kind is not an attractive thought anyway,” she said as her stomach took an unpleasant roll. She wondered if that’s what it felt like to be seasick. 

“Have you been really nauseous?” he said pulling out her chart. 

“Well, until today, it’s been more of just not wanting food, but yeah today I’m pretty nauseous,” she told him. 

He made a note on her chart. “You throwing up right now will not be good for your intestinal injury, so we’ll give you something for nausea. It will probably make you even sleepier though.” 

‘It’s just as well,’ she thought. ‘I won’t have to think about how bad I’ve screwed things with Josh.’ She just hoped she didn’t dream about Josh while she was asleep either. 

Dr. Scott continued. “But I want you to know that because of the complications posed by your spinal and intestinal injuries if you get much worse or your fever gets any higher I’m going to have to put you back in the ICU so you can be monitored more closely.” 

“I understand,” she said. 

He looked at her for a long moment, wondering if he should say what was on his mind. “Donna...don’t you think I should call, Josh?” 

“No,” she said quietly. 

“He’s got your medical power of attorney...” 

That thought hadn’t occurred to her. “Are you required to call him because of it?” 

She knew if Josh found out she was sick or sicker than she should be with her injuries, there’s no way she could keep him away. 

“No, not if you don’t want me to,” he said carefully. “Not unless you’re incapacitated and a critical decision needs to be made or some kind of consent form needs to be signed.” 

“Fine...then until that happens, I don’t want him told,” she answered quietly but firmly. 

“But Donna...” he began. “...look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but I know he cares about you. No one lives at someone’s bedside in the ICU for a week if they don’t have deep feelings for someone.” 

“I know he cares,” she told him. “I still don’t want him told.” 

Dr. Scott could see he wasn’t getting anywhere. “Okay,” he said with a sigh. “The nurse will start checking on you every hour, let her know if your symptoms get any worse.” 

“All right, I will. Thank you, doctor.” 

He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Hang in there, Donna, we’ll have you back on the road to recovery in no time.” 

********** 

Late the next morning, Ainsley stepped off the elevator and made her way to Donna’s room. She hoped Donna was feeling a little better today. Sam said when he’d come by to see her yesterday afternoon she was looking a little out of it and she seemed to get confused a lot. On top of those warning signs, Sam said when he went to hold her hand, it felt warm like maybe she was running a fever. As he left, Sam had shared his concern with the on duty nurse who said simply that the doctor was aware Donna was running a slight fever. 

Stepping into Donna’s room, Ainsley rapped lightly on door but got no response. Walking over to the bed, Ainsley found the TV on and Donna asleep. She also found it odd that rather than having the curtains on the window open as she knew Donna liked, they were pulled closed, casting the room into a touch of gloomy shadow. To replace the light from the window, the light on the wall above Donna’s bed had been switched on. 

Ainsley hated to wake her and considered just leaving. She remembered Donna commenting on how hard it was trying to sleep in the hospital, partly because her injuries made it uncomfortable and partly because every 5 minutes someone usually came in to check you or poke you or take a reading or a sample of one thing or another. 

On the other hand, Sam had told Ainsley that during his regular visit yesterday, Donna had reiterated the fact that the new meds they had her on made her a little loopy and very sleepy and if they came to see her and she was asleep, they should wake her up. 

When Sam had asked what the new meds were for, Donna had sidestepped the question and changed the subject. 

Ainsley looked up at Donna’s i.v. stand. There were now two bags of solution hanging there, dripping into Donna’s arm. Ainsley could have sworn there had only been one when she’d been there a couple days ago. There were a couple important looking labels on the bags, but between the low light, the fact that she was a little too short to get up close and the writing was small and apparently in what looked like medical jargon, Ainsley couldn’t be sure what they meant. 

Looking down at Donna again, Ainsley noticed that her face seemed a little red and flushed. Almost as if she’d been working outside on a hot, humid day. With a frown, Ainsley took Donna’s hand in hers and instantly felt what Sam had noticed, Donna’s hand was definitely warmer than it should be. It didn’t take a medical expert to notice that. Feeling Ainsley’s touch on her hand, Donna began to stir. 

“Hmmm...? What...?” Donna said groggily. It felt like her whole body including her brain, were wrapped in thick blankets. And yet she still felt cold. She shivered slightly as she looked up and recognized Ainsley. 

“Oh, hi, Ainsley,” she said not realizing she’d slurred Ainsley’s name a bit, almost like she was a little drunk. 

Ainsley tried to not let her growing apprehension show as she saw Donna begin to shiver slightly. She made a note to mention the shivering to the nurse when she left. 

“Hi, Donna,” she said gently. “How are you?” 

Looking a little dazed, Donna blinked at her. “I’m okay,” she replied. “Cold though...is it cold in here?” 

Ainsley didn’t think it was, but she didn’t want Donna to worry. “Maybe a little. Would you like me to get you a blanket?” 

Donna smiled a little dreamily. “Yes, please. There’s one in the closet thingy.” 

Ainsley realized she must be talking about the wardrobe. Walking over to it, she pulled a blanket from the top shelf and spread it over Donna. “How’s that?” she said with a smile. 

Donna continued to smile. “Nice, thank you,” she said, trying to cuddle into it. She was also still shivering slightly. “You’re so nice, Ainsley.” Donna sighed. “I always liked you, it doesn’t matter that you’re a Re...a Re...Re....damn I can’t think of the word.” 

‘She couldn’t think of the word?’ Ainsley thought. When Sam said that new medication might make her ‘loopy,’ he wasn’t kidding. “Republican?” she supplied. 

“Right! Doesn’t matter that you’re one of those...us blondes have to stick together.” Donna sighed again. “If you need anything, you just let me know, I know my way around.” 

If Ainsley hadn’t been so worried about her, she would have smiled. It was a little like talking to a happy drunk person. “Thank you, Donna. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“You’re good for Sam. You make him happy.” For the moment, she’d stopped shivering and she lifted her head slightly to look toward the door. “Oh...speaking of Sam, you just missed him. He was here a few minutes ago.” 

Ainsley frowned. She knew Sam was scheduled to be in a meeting on the Hill most of the morning. Plus he knew she was coming to visit Donna. Ainsley didn’t see how Donna could have seen him earlier. 

“Donna? Are you sure you don’t mean yesterday? I don’t think he was here today.” 

Now it was Donna’s turn to frown and she really gave the matter some thought. Wasn’t Sam just there? She could have sworn he was. “I thought it was today,” she said. “Being locked up in this place sometimes it’s hard to tell one day from the next.” 

“I bet,” Ainsley replied. 

“Is Josh okay?” Donna asked. 

Ainsley blinked in surprise. “Um, yeah, he’s fine.” 

“I miss him,” she blurted out softly. Tears sprang to her eyes. ‘Oh, no, I’m not supposed to say those kind of things,’ she thought miserably. 

Ainsley blinked again. “Do you want him to come and see you.” 

Donna sighed and was quiet for a long moment. “Yes...but it’s not possible.” Drat, she wasn’t supposed to say that either. Why couldn’t she keep her mouth shut? 

“What do you mean it’s not possible,” Ainsley asked. “If you want he could be here in a few minutes. I’ll even call him for you,” she offered. “I know he wants to see you.” 

She clutched at Ainsley hand. “No, no...I can’t see him.” A few tears leaked out of her eyes. “Please, don’t call him. Promise me,” she begged. “I can’t...it’s better this way.” 

Sam had told her on more than one occasion that he just didn’t see how Donna could hold such a grudge over the Amy thing. Now Ainsley was beginning to see that there was definitely more to it than Donna just being mad at Josh or trying to punish him for Amy. 

Ainsley squeezed Donna’s hand. “It’s okay, Donna,” she said soothingly. “But can you tell me why it’s better that you don’t see him?” 

Donna seemed to relax and she felt another wave of sleep beginning to flow through her. “It just is,” she answered enigmatically as her eyes began to get heavy. “He might see.” 

Ainsley could see that Donna was fading fast. “He might see what, Donna?” she asked. 

Donna blinked slowly and then let out another sigh. “Nothing,” she murmured as her eyes slid closed again. “Sorry, Ain...so tired...going to fade out on you....” 

“That’s all right, Donna. You get some sleep and I’ll come back and see you later,” Ainsley told her. 

********** 

Ainsley spoke to the nurse before she left the hospital, but she couldn’t get any more information out of her on Donna’s condition. Resigned to the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to find out exactly what was wrong with Donna, she returned to the White House where she met Sam in the Northwest Lobby as he was coming back from his meeting on the Hill. 

“Hey beautiful,” he said, walking up behind her and putting his arm around her waist. He would have loved to plant a big kiss on her right there in the lobby, but they were trying to keep public displays of affection to a minimum for now. “Can I buy you lunch in the Mess?” 

Ainsley smiled up at him. “Oh, Sam, I’d love it, but I’ve got to go talk to Josh. I just got done visiting Donna and he’s going to want a report. If I do the report later it will just wreck whatever nice lunch we have.” 

“Fair point,” Sam replied. “Tell you what, I’ll come with you and then buy you lunch after.” 

“I like that plan,” she said with a smile as they turned and headed for the Operations bullpen. 

“How’s she doing?” Sam asked. Hoping it was better than yesterday when he’d seen her. 

“Not well, Sam, I’d tell you now, but I’d rather just tell it once,” she said a little tiredly as they pushed through the doors into Operations. They were immediately assaulted by the sound of Josh yelling at Alan. 

“Do you think you could manage to clean my desk up once in a while?!” he screamed from the depths of his office. “You are my assistant after all!!” 

Alan, who was standing in Josh’s doorway answered calmly. “I tried to last night and you told me not to touch anything or you’d break my fingers.” 

“Yeah...well...THAT WAS LAST NIGHT, THIS IS NOW!!” 

Alan only rolled his eyes and stalked back to his...err, Donna’s desk. 

“I’ve heard he’s fairly competent, but given Josh’s track record with assistants, how has he not fired him yet? Except for Donna I thought he went through assistants like tissues?” Ainsley asked Sam. 

Sam sighed. “He’s tried. In the two weeks that Alan’s been here, Josh has tried to fire him 12 times.” 

“How is he still here?” 

“Well, first of all, Alan seems to be as impervious to being fired as Donna was and second of all Leo, in what I’m sure was an attempt to head off a round of ‘how many assistants can Josh fire in a day’ set it up so Alan actually works for him. So while he supports Josh, only Leo can fire him.” 

“I would imagine Leo’s feeling pretty happy with himself right about now,” Ainsley commented. 

“You have no idea,” Sam replied with a little grin. 

“But why hasn’t Alan just quit? Does he like being yelled at?” 

“No, he just really needed a job and he likes working here. In fact, he told me he even likes Josh when he’s not being a jackass. Plus it helps that Alan is really easy going and it’s hard to ruffle his feathers. Under different circumstances I think Josh would actually like the kid.” 

“Ah...well, I guess I can’t put it off any longer...will you be my human shield if he starts yelling?” Ainsley said to him. 

“I’m with you every step of the way,” Sam said with a little grin as the walked to Josh’s office. 

Once again, Josh was sitting at his overflowing desk muttering to himself as he read a memo. 

“Josh?” Ainsley called from the door. 

He looked up. “Ainsley...Sam, hi. Come on in,” he told them. 

Josh tried to not feel jealous when he watched at the two of them step into the room. Even without doing anything more than standing next to each other, they looked like a happy unit and it did nothing but serve to remind him that he’d been cheated out of the same thing. 

“Ainsley, you look like you’re getting ready to face the lion’s den,” Josh said as the two of them stepped into his office and Sam closed the door behind them. 

“Well, I...I heard you yelling at Alan and...I...I’m just hoping I’m not next,” she explained a little nervously hoping it sounded like she was joking...sort of. “I just got back from seeing Donna.” She and Sam saw Josh’s face cloud over like a gathering storm. Ainsley took a step back and Sam laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. 

“Oh, I see...you don’t want to be another bearer of bad news,” Josh guessed. “And who could blame you. Well, Ainsley, I’ll save you the trouble because I have a pretty good idea of what she said.” Josh said, his voice gaining in strength and volume. “She doesn’t want to see me...right? She doesn’t want to talk to me...right?” He stood up behind his desk. “In fact, I’m guessing she doesn’t even want to talk ABOUT me!” 

“Josh...” Sam began. 

“No, Sam...you know what, I’m done! I’m done taking this from her! I’ve been patient, I’ve held my peace...hell, I’ve even tried to take care of her from remote control! I’ve done everything she told me to do and everything everyone else has told me to do. So you know what I’ve decided...if Miss Donnatella Moss wants me, she knows how to dial...a...GOD...DAMN...PHONE...because...I’M DONE!!” he roared. 

“Josh, maybe you should talk to Stanley while he’s still here...” Sam tried. 

“I don’t need to see Stanley! I NEED TO SEE DONNA!” 

“I’m worried about her,” Ainsley said softly into the ensuing silence. 

Next to Josh’s yelling it was quite a contrast and it got Josh and Sam’s attention. 

“Why?” Sam asked before Josh had a chance to. 

Although Sam had asked the question, Ainsley continued to look at Josh. “I think something’s wrong. I know she told Sam that the new medication she was taking made her loopy, but when I saw her she could barely keep her eyes open and when she did talk she sounded like she was completely drunk and she kept getting confused about everything. She thought Sam had been there right before me this morning and she couldn’t remember the word...’Republican‘.” 

She paused for a moment to let that sink in and then continued. “There was also a second i.v. bag that I don’t think was there when I saw her the last time. Once a nurse even came in and added an injection of something to one of the bags.” Ainsley sighed. “But what really worried me was not only does she still have a fever, just like Sam said, her face was all red and flushed and while I was there she started shivering a little, like she had the chills or something.” 

“Did you talk to the nurse before you left?” Sam asked. 

“Yes,” she replied, turning to look at Sam this time. “I told them what I saw, but they wouldn’t give me any more information than they gave you yesterday.” Sam and Ainsley both turned back to look at Josh as he slumped back down in his chair. 

“Josh...?” Ainsley said quietly. “There was one other thing...” 

“What?” He didn’t know if he could hear about one more thing that was wrong with Donna. One more thing she would let him help her with. 

“She said she missed you.” 

That took him completely by surprise. “What...?” Josh asked. He was sure he’d heard her wrong. 

“She asked me how you were and then she said she missed you,” she told him. “But I don’t think she meant to tell me, because she immediately said it was better this way and it was impossible for her to see you.” She paused. “Josh...I...” her voice trailed off. 

“Go on,” Josh urged. 

“Well...” she began. “It’s only a theory, but after talking to her, I just have a feeling that there’s more to what’s going on with her than being mad at you about Amy.” 

Josh considered that, but had no response. A long silence echoed through the room. 

“What are you going to do, Josh?” Sam asked quietly. 

Josh rested his face in his hands. In the face of Ainsley’s words and the worry he felt, the anger he had for Donna earlier had faded away like a ghost. It was like everything was slipping through his fingers and he could do nothing to stop it. He hated feeling so helpless. 

Scrubbing his hands over his face, he looked up at them. “Well...that’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it? She won’t see me, she won’t talk to me, and if I go over there and try to make her talk to me I could upset her and make things worse.” He sighed. “Even though I hold her medical power of attorney I don’t think the doctor has to tell me anything unless I have to make a decision about her care or treatment and as long as she’s conscious and at least vaguely lucid I don’t see there being a need for that.” 

“So...” he let out a sad, tired breath. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do...I just don’t know.” 

********** 

Later that night, back in his apartment, Josh found himself lying in bed, unable to sleep as he worried about what Ainsley had said about Donna. Confusion...constant sleepiness... slight fever...red in the face...chills...lot of new i.v. bags...nurse coming in with injections to add to i.v.? 

What the hell was going on? 

Because he held Donna’s medical power of attorney, Josh figured Dr. Scott would call him if anything serious happened, but he still couldn’t stop worrying. Something was wrong, he just knew it. He’d reached for the phone at least six times in the last two hours, convinced he should call someone...Dr. Scott...Dr. Chambers...the hospital...whoever...to find out what was going on. But Donna didn’t want to see him. What was he supposed to do if she didn’t want to see him and wouldn’t talk to him? 

‘All right,’ he decided. ‘It’s time to stop fooling around.’ First thing he was going to do in the morning was call Dr. Scott’s office and find out what was happening with Donna. If Dr. Scott wasn’t there or wouldn’t tell him, he’d go see Donna and find out for himself. 

How ironic was it then when two hours later he was awoken by the sound of his cell phone ringing.

Groggily, he fumbled around for the phone on his nightstand. He noticed the clock said it was 3 am. “This better be good,” he grumbled figuring it was the White House. 

Without looking at the display he flipped open the phone. “Yeah?” 

There was a slight pause. “Um...is this Josh Lyman?” a female voice said. 

Josh ran a hand over one side of his face to try and stay awake long enough to find out who was calling. “Yeah, speaking.” 

“Ah...Mr. Lyman...Josh,” the caller began a little hesitantly. “This is Mary...you know, Mary from...from the ICU at George Washington University Hospital?” 

It was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. Anything from GW had to be about Donna. “Mary?” he said now fully awake. “Yes, Mary, I remember you.” 

“Josh...I had this as one of your contact numbers...I’m sorry to call so late...or I guess so early...” 

He could hear the worry in her voice. “No, Mary, it’s all right. What’s wrong?” His heart felt like it was going to beat its way right out of his chest. 

“I probably shouldn’t be calling you but...it’s Miss Moss...Donna.” 

“Donna...what about Donna?” he asked breathlessly as he tried to control the panic raging through him. 

There was another pause. “She...she was brought back to the ICU last night.” 

“What....why?!” So much for controlling the panic. He jumped out of bed and began to pace. His instincts had been right...something WAS wrong with Donna. 

“She’s very ill...she has an infection,” Mary told him. “It’s very serious...I know something happened between you two and I could probably get in trouble for calling you, but...” her voice trailed off. 

“But what?!” Josh demanded. He needed information. 

“She’s been calling for you...I think you should come down here.” 

“I’ll be right there, Mary...thank you for calling.” Hanging up the phone, he started hunting around in the dark for something to wear. 

As he did, only one thing went through his mind...Donna was calling for him...he had to get to her. 

Not call work or call someone else to go in his place or worry what Donna would say when he got there just...get there...to her. 

Josh yanked a pair of old jeans over his boxers, pulled an old sweatshirt over his t-shirt, stuffed his bare feet into a pair of worn leather, hard-soled slippers, shoved his cell phone in his pocket, grabbed his car keys and was out the door within 5 minutes of Mary’s call. 


	32. Trial by Fire 31

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 31**

Oddly, as Josh walked through the front door of the hospital he wasn’t running. He was more like a train, focused solely and single-mindedly on the single goal of heading for the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel...Donna was, of course, the light. But unlike a train, nothing was going to derail him. 

As he entered the ICU, Mary stood up from the desk and motioned him over to Donna’s glass cubical. It was the same cubical she’d had when she’d been in there before. 

Josh went immediately to Donna’s side and tried to take her hand, but it was under the blanket so he had to feel around for it. When he took her hand in his, he could feel she was burning up with fever. As much as he wanted to pull her hand close to him, he couldn’t pick it up because they had put her back in traction and it was restrained down beside her. He held onto it tightly just the same. It also never occurred to him to wonder if she was contagious. Not that it would have mattered if she had been, nothing could have kept him from her side. 

When he looked at her...what he saw tore him apart. 

Her head was moving slightly, restlessly. Not chills...more like she was asleep and was having a bad dream she couldn’t wake up from, except that her eyes didn’t seem to move behind her closed lids. Every few moments she would moan softly. If she knew he was there, she gave no sign. 

Toby had been right, she WAS thinner. Josh was shocked at just how much thinner she’d gotten in just a week. Her nose, chin and cheekbones stood out sharply from under her skin. 

Her face looked red and flushed and what appeared to be an odd red rash covered her neck. A layer of perspiration covered her face and throat as well and it had left her hair in damp strings around her on the pillow. What looked to be a gel pack of some kind, covered her forehead and a nasal cannula was feeding oxygen to her. The rest of her he couldn’t see because she seemed to be covered with an oddly thick, bulky blanket. 

‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, Donna,’ Josh told her silently. He should have been here...should have made sure she was okay. He never should have left the responsibility to anyone else. 

When Josh had gone to one side of Donna’s bed, Mary had gone to the other to check some things with Donna’s i.v. and take her temperature again. She’d remained quiet to give Josh some time to process seeing Donna in her current state. Gently, she removed the gel pack from Donna’s forehead and replaced it with a fresh, cool one. 

“What happened, Mary?” Josh asked quietly. 

“She had a urinary tract infection that developed into a kidney infection a couple of days ago and it got worse. Her temperature was hovering at around 103 yesterday, but last night it spiked to 105. Dr. Scott thinks her infection had turned into sepsis.” 

“Sepsis? That’s a blood infection, right?” he asked quietly. 

“Yes, the infection becomes so severe that the bacteria spreads into the blood,” Mary explained. 

“But she’s going to be all right...isn’t she?” 

Mary moved down to the foot of the bed and motioned Josh to join her. “I’m not going to lie to you, Josh, sepsis is very serious, especially if she goes into septic shock. The mortality rate from septic shock can be high, as high as 60% for people with underlying medical conditions.” 

Josh felt his heart leap into his throat. She could die...Donna could die. The words ate at him like acid. 

“How did you guys not see this coming? She had people checking her every hour!” 

Mary let out a breath. “I don’t know, Josh, since I wasn’t her nurse once she left the ICU I don’t know what to say. Dr. Scott may be able to answer that better than I can. She’s been on a pre-emptive course of antibiotics since she was first admitted to the hospital and that should have taken care of any potential infection.” She paused. “I do know that her paralysis and the pain meds for her back might have masked some of the early symptoms and her fever didn’t show up until 4 or 5 days ago. Dr. Scott also thinks it’s a very aggressive bacteria.” 

“So what happens now?” he demanded in a harsh whisper. 

“Two days ago, in order to try and get the infection under control, Dr. Scott prescribed an additional antibiotic for her and ordered a urine culture to find out exactly what kind of bacteria we’re dealing with.” 

“TWO DAYS AGO?” Josh said in another harsh whisper. 

“It takes 48 hours for the results to come back, Josh. The results should be back this morning. Once we get them back, we’ll know exactly what antibiotic is best to treat her infection. For now we have to do what we can to keep her from going into septic shock.” 

“What does that involve?” 

“Keeping her well hydrated and on oxygen, giving her additional medication to keep her blood pressure from falling too low, placing cooling blankets above and underneath her to try and bring down her fever.” 

“If her fever’s so high are the cooling blankets enough? I mean, shouldn’t you be putting her in a tub of ice or something?” Josh asked grasping at straws. 

“Josh,” Mary chided. “That only happens in the movies. While a tepid bath can be good for bringing down a fever, especially in children, if you have nothing else...putting someone with a high fever in ice or ice cold water can send them into shock.” 

Josh nodded. “Why is she back in traction?” 

“Mostly to keep her from hurting herself or injuring her back further,” she explained. 

“How could she...?” 

“The combination of high fever and the infection are making her delirious. She’s been going in and out of consciousness since they moved her here last night. When she’s awake she’s been more delirious than lucid.” 

Just then, rather than moaning, Donna softly called his name. Josh whipped around, thinking she was awake, but he could see she was still asleep...or unconscious. Mary now forgotten, he moved back to Donna’s side. 

“I’m right here, Donna, I’m right here,” he said, finding and taking her hand again. 

She didn’t respond, but only continued to softly call his name as if she was lost and was desperate to find him. The sound in her voice tugged at his heart. 

Mary watched from the end of the bed. “That’s what I meant when I said she was calling for you.” With that she turned and quietly walked back to her desk. 

‘Oh, Donna,’ he thought sadly as he laid his free hand on her heated cheek. ‘When are things going to start going right for us?’ 

********** 

Donna crouched alone in a cold, dark place and she couldn’t stop shivering... 

Once, when she was a child, she’d heard someone say that hell wasn’t burning fire and hot brimstone, but bone snapping cold and numbing ice...that the devil didn’t have a pitchfork made of iron but one formed from razor sharp icicles... 

She hadn’t believed them then, but she believed them now... 

Because she was living in her own personal frozen hell... 

She knew she was being punished...punished for what she’d done to Josh. For lying to him, for hurting him, for pushing him away, and for making him think she hated him. She’d destroyed the best thing she’d ever had in her life. 

And for all those things she deserved to be punished. 

She’d tried...tried so hard to find him...to tell him she was sorry...that she didn’t mean it...to make it right, but no matter how long she searched for him and called out to him, he eluded her. 

Josh was gone...he was gone because she had sent him away... 

And he was never coming back... 

She felt herself start to cry, but the tears didn’t fall. As soon as they welled from her tear ducts they froze into an icy dust and blew away. 

She was all alone now...and she had no one to blame but herself. 

********** 

Dr. Scott returned to the ICU about 7 am with Donna’s test results in hand and wasn’t at all surprised to find Josh at her bedside. 

“Hey, Josh,” he said as he, Mary and another nurse walked into Donna’s cubical. 

“Dr. Scott,” he said with a nod. Part of him thought he should be mad at the doctor for not taking better care of Donna, but the rest of him was too busy being worried about her. 

“The nurses have to take care of a couple things with Donna. Why don’t you and I step out here so they have some room?” 

Josh stood, but continued to hold her hand and was reluctant to leave. Even though he knew they would be just feet from her cubical he didn’t want to leave her alone. In the last hour she’d quieted down and he didn’t want his absence to set her off again. 

“Don’t worry, Josh,” Mary said kindly. “I’ll stay with her until you get back.” 

Josh looked at her for a long moment, then nodded. “Okay.” He turned to Donna, who was still out. “I’ll be back,” he said to her softly in case some part of her could hear him. Then he followed Dr. Scott out to the nurses’ desk and Mary pulled the curtain closed behind them. 

“So Josh, how are you?” Dr. Scott began. 

“I’d be better if you hadn’t waited so long to call me,” he replied grimly. 

Dr. Scott sighed, so much for the pleasantries. “She wouldn’t let me call you, Josh. Even though you hold her medical power of attorney, as long as she was coherent and could make decisions for herself I had to defer to her judgment and her wishes.” 

“Then why didn’t you call me last night when she stopped being coherent?” Josh demanded. 

“Because, Josh, I was a little busy getting her settled and stabilized,” he explained. “And if Mary hadn’t called you last night, I had planned to do it myself this morning. See...” he said holding up a sticky note with “CALL JOSH” written on it. 

Josh looked at the note. “Oh...” he looked back up to Dr. Scott. “Mary told you she called me?” 

“Yes, she told me when I came into the ICU this morning.” 

“I don’t want her getting in trouble for...” Josh began. 

Dr. Scott held up his hand. “She won’t. In my opinion, as someone who’s designated to make her medical decisions, you needed to be notified and Mary was acting in Donna’s best interests.” He paused. “So why don’t we move on to more pressing matters and talk about how Donna’s doing?” 

Josh nodded. “Yeah.” 

“I don’t know how much Mary told you about Donna’s condition...” 

“Um...she said that Donna had a urinary tract infection that became a kidney infection and that turned into sepsis.” 

Dr. Scott nodded. “Yes. I ordered a urine culture 2 days ago but it takes a little time to get the results since they have to grow the bacteria enough to know what we’re dealing with. I got the results back this morning and I just prescribed a new antibiotic for Donna that should target the bacteria.” 

“What kind of antibiotic?” Not that it especially mattered...he wouldn’t know word one about any kind of antibiotic other than penicillin. But asking what seemed like some kind of pertinent question made him feel like he was at least doing something. 

“It’s what’s called a ‘co-trimoxazole injection.’ It’s actually a cocktail of two powerful antibiotics, trimethoprim and sulfamethoxazole. It will be added to her i.v. 4 times a day for the next 4 days to jump start her system and then we’ll cut it back to 2 times a day probably for the next 4 weeks.” 

“Sounds like pretty strong stuff.” 

“Yes, it is. In addition to kidney and urinary tract infections, it’s also used for pneumonia and digestive tract infections. But you should know that even after we begin administering the antibiotic, it will most likely take her body a day or two to respond to it, and like any antibiotic people can be sensitive to it, so as a precaution I’m having Mary give Donna a skin test to see if she’s allergic to it.” 

“How does the skin test work?” Later, he would be a little amazed that he’d asked the question and listened to the answer without getting nauseous. 

“A small amount of the antibiotic is injected just under the under the skin, in this case the skin of her forearm and we wait about 20 minutes to see if there’s any reaction at the injection site. If there’s no reaction, she not allergic and Mary will start administering the first dose of the antibiotic.” 

“What if she is allergic? What then?” 

“There are other types of antibiotics we can give her instead,” he told Josh. “But with all the other antibiotics she’s had, I don’t expect her to be allergic to it. Like I said, the test is just a precaution. The last thing we need is for her to have a full scale allergic reaction to her medication.” 

“Right,” Josh agreed. 

Dr. Scott made a notation on Donna’s chart. “There is something that’s concerning me much more than a potential allergy,” he said looking back at Josh. “And it’s something that you, as the person designated to make her decisions if she can’t, need to know.” 

Josh swallowed. This couldn’t be good. “What is it?” 

“Well, right now, because of the infection, Donna is experiencing abnormal kidney function and decreased urine output and this has led to an increasing level of acidosis in her blood.” 

“Okay, doc, you’re going to have to give it to me again because all I got out of that is ‘decreased urine output’,” Josh replied. 

“Sorry,” Dr. Scott said with an apologetic grin. “I just meant her kidneys aren’t working properly.” 

“Okay...now that I understood,” Josh replied. 

“What concerns me is the question of whether it’s temporary or permanent.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, usually if a kidney infection is treated properly and early enough there’s no lasting damage to the kidneys and the abnormal kidney function goes away when the infection goes away,” he explained. “But when we start getting into severe infections like Donna’s there’s a possibility that it can cause permanent damage.” 

“And what if there is damage?” Josh said with a little difficulty as the words seemed to get stuck in his throat. 

“The answer would depend on the extent of the damage and if both kidneys were damaged. Worse case scenario, meaning both kidneys were severely damaged, would be dialysis and/or a transplant.” 

“How soon will you know the extent of the damage?” 

“About a week probably. Maybe less if her urine output starts to pick back up. In any case, once the infection has improved enough, we’re going to want to do an abdominal CT scan to check her kidney function.” He paused. “However, we may have a more immediate problem with her kidneys.” 

“What’s that?” Josh asked. He didn’t know how much more he was going to able to process, he already felt like he was overwhelmed. 

“As you probably know, the kidneys function as filters to remove toxins and waste products from the blood. Then the toxins are removed from the kidneys and the body in the form of urine.” Josh nodded. “So, consequently, every hour that her kidneys aren’t functioning properly more toxins are building up in her blood,” he explained. 

“One of the conditions that causes is what’s called metabolic acidosis, meaning that her blood is too acidic. As you probably remember from your high school chemistry class, to combat an acid, you need a base. Right now we’re giving her extra sodium bicarbonate, a base, to try and combat the acidity.” He paused. “But that doesn’t address the other toxins that are building up or the fact that the acidity level will eventually become too high for us to combat with medication.” 

Josh frowned. “What can you do?” 

“Kidney dialysis,” he replied. 

“Dialysis? I thought that was for total kidney failure.” 

“It’s most commonly used for kidney failure but it can also be used on a limited or one time basis. Even if her abnormal kidney function is temporary, she may need to have dialysis in the interim to remove the waste products until her kidneys can go back to doing it on their own.” He looked at Josh. “We’re not there yet, but if we get there and she’s still incapacitated you’ll need to sign the consent form to do it.” 

“Okay, I understand. You’ll let me know when we get to that point?” 

“Of course,” Dr. Scott said. “Now, I think Mary’s going to need another 10 or 15 minutes so why don’t you take a break and go down to the cafeteria and get some breakfast.” 

“No, doctor, thank you, but I’m going to wait here,” he said. His voice was firm and decisive. 

“Okay, suit yourself. I need to go upstairs and check on another patient but Mary can page me if anything happens or you have any more questions,” Dr. Scott told him. 

“Thank you,” Josh murmured as Dr. Scott walked out of the ER, then he let out a breath. Well, it had been quite a morning and it was only 7:15. 

********** 

Glancing away from Donna for a moment to look at his watch, Josh saw that it was almost noon. Donna’s allergy test had come back negative and so Mary had started her on the new course of antibiotics. There hadn’t been any change in her condition so far, not that he’d really expected any that soon. Dr. Scott had told him it might take another day or two before her body responded. 

Looking back over at Donna, he was startled to see her blue eyes, staring back at him. They were red and a little dazed, but she was definitely looking at him and she had the oddest expression on her face. It wasn’t anger...it was more like...puzzlement. 

“Hi,” he said standing up so he could see her more easily. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked in a soft voice that again sounded like she was puzzled rather than angry. 

“I couldn’t stay away, you had to know that,” he told her gently. 

She seemed to get more puzzled. “But you have important things to do.” 

“Not more important than you.” 

“Thank you, sir,” she said with a shy smile. 

Josh frowned....‘sir’? She never called him ‘sir.’ 

The look she was giving him turned blank for a moment and maybe just a little...sad. “I know why you’re here.” 

“Donna, what’s with...? He said, getting ready to ask her about the ‘sir.’ 

“...because of me and Josh.” 

Josh blinked in surprise. ‘...me and Josh’? What the hell did that mean? “Donna...” 

“CJ said we could cause a scandal.” 

Josh’s chest tightened. “No, Donna...” 

“Mr. President, you know CJ’s right.” 

Oh, God, she thought he was the President. “No, Donna, it’s Josh...not the President.” 

“I’m sorry, sir,” she said, continuing on as if he hadn’t spoken. “Never wanted to do anything to hurt you or the administration...I just couldn’t help it. Tried not to let him know how I felt, but at the courthouse I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer.” 

“Donna...look at me...I’m Josh,” he tried again. She seemed to be having the conversation regardless of his input. 

Her face took on real hints of sadness and regret. “It’s one of the reasons I sent him away...” 

Josh gasped. Could this be what Ainsley was talking about when she said she thought there was more to Donna breaking up with him than the situation with Amy? Josh held his breath. 

“I’ve been worried about it, even before CJ said anything. Josh tried to tell me it doesn’t matter, but on top of everything else, it does matter.” 

Josh wondered what the “everything else” part was about. 

“Hope you’re not mad, Mr. President, but I didn’t send him away just for you.” 

He’d never read her ‘Calley’ diary as Josh liked to think of it...but he felt a little like he was getting the verbal version of it now. It was an oddly voyeuristic feeling. “Why else did you do it, Donna?” 

“Did it mostly for Josh,” she said, seeming to answer him that time although it could have been a coincidence. “I don’t want him to get hurt because of me. Don’t want to cause him scandal or to lose his job or to need to resign.” She paused. “And also because...because if any of those things happened, eventually he’d hate me for it.” 

A huge lump wedged itself in his throat. She’d done it for him. To protect him like she’d always done...at her own expense. “Oh, Donna...He...I could never hate you,” Josh told her softly. 

“Wait...Mr. President,” she said with a touch of agitation as if she’d realized she’d said too much. “Promise me...promise you won’t tell...Josh can’t know.” 

Josh stared down at her. “Your secret is safe with me,” he replied. 

That seemed to ease her mind and she appeared to drift for a minute, her eyes going back to that dazed, unfocused look she’d had when she’d first awoke. 

“Wish it didn’t hurt so much,” she said in a very far away voice. “So, hard...” Her voice was getting soft and her eyes were beginning to close again. “Love him so much,” she whispered as she faded completely out again. 

Josh sat there...stunned for a moment. She loved him...it hurt that he wasn’t there. Happy wasn’t quite the right word for what he felt at that moment. After all, he didn’t like when she hurt, especially because of him, but she loved him. The hope inside him began to burn a little brighter. They could work this out, he could and would make this happen. 

Mary’s entrance into Donna’s cubical startled him out of his reverie. “Hi, Josh. How’s she doing? It sounded like you guys were talking a few minutes ago,” she commented as she recorded the readings from Donna’s monitor and took her temperature again. While Donna’s temp was displayed on the monitor, the doctor wanted it double checked orally every fifteen minutes. 

“Um...yeah, but Mary it was weird, she didn’t know it was me,” he told her with a frown. “She thought she was talking to the President. I tried to tell her it was me and she was looking right at me, but you could tell she didn’t know it was me.” 

“Yeah, delirium will do that.” Mary adjusted the drip on Donna’s i.v. “Just before you got here this morning she and I had an odd 30 second conversation about the price of eggs. She kept calling me Janie...who, I’m guessing is the check-out lady at the supermarket where she shops.” 

She looked at Josh for a moment. “Her temp has gone up another degree to 106.1, which I’m sure is making the delirium worse.” 

Concern flooded Josh and he frowned in worry. “Doesn’t a high fever like that cause brain damage?” 

“A temp of 106 is very serious and will cause hallucinations and sometimes seizures, but brain damage doesn’t usually occur until the body temp reaches 107.6,” Mary told him. “Hers won’t go that high, though.” 

“How can you be sure?” 

“Because usually the body’s internal thermostat won’t let a fever go above 106. Temps higher than that are usually caused by an outside source. For example, when adults or children are left in a hot car or building or are outside in the sun too long. If she wasn’t being treated here in the hospital she might be at risk for heat stroke, but all the fluids we’re giving her will prevent that.” She paused. “Don’t worry Josh, it will just take a little time for her body to use the antibiotics to fight the infection.” 

Her words gave him a little bit of reassurance, not much, but a little. “Okay.” 

“In the meantime...” she began. “You’ll probably have all kinds of interesting conversations with her. They may be long...they may be just a few words. Sometimes she might recognize you or even if she thinks you’re someone else she’ll still interact with what you’re saying. Then there will be other times where it will be more like she’s acting out a play and you being there is basically incidental. Sometimes you won’t have a clue as to what she’s talking about.” She closed Donna’s chart. “I do have a suggestion though...or maybe more of a request.” 

“What’s that?” he asked. 

“Don’t try and force her to recognize or acknowledge you or argue with her a lot when she thinks you’re someone else or says something strange or just plain wrong. You could make her agitated and we need her to stay as calm as possible, so, just....go with the flow.” 

“Go with the flow? Is that the technical name for it?” Josh couldn’t help but ask with a little smile. He was going to have ‘interesting conversations’ with Donna again. Just the thought of that made him want to do a dance. 

Mary smiled back at him as she turned to leave the cubical. “Something like that...just be nice to her.” 

********** 

“Oh, thank, God. There you are.” 

At the sound of the voice, Josh glanced up to see Sam standing at the foot of Donna’s bed and he looked more than just a little agitated. “Hey, Sam.” 

Sam had been all ready to give Josh a piece of his mind when he saw Donna. The term “death warmed over” seemed to be written just for how she looked at the moment. His heart clenched to see her looking so terrible. “What happened,” he asked quietly as he moved over to stand next to Josh. 

“She had a kidney infection that turned into sepsis,” Josh replied quietly. 

“Sepsis? That’s really serious,” Sam said gravely. 

“So they tell me. They’ve been trying to fight off the infection for the last few days.” 

“Is that what all the new medications and her confusion and her fever were from?” Sam asked. 

“Yeah,” Josh answered with a nod. “But last night her temperature spiked to 105, so they moved her in here and called me to come down.” He ran his hand through his hair. “What are you doing here?” he asked. 

Sam blinked at the question in surprise and some of his earlier agitation returned. “Could you come out into the waiting room and talk to me?” he said tightly as he walked to the foot of Donna’s bed. 

Josh frowned at his tone. “No.” 

“No? Why not?” 

“Because unless I have to use the bathroom or someone with a nursing or medical degree throws me out, I don’t leave her,” he said. 

Sam hadn’t expected that answer. He’d expected some flippant ‘Josh’ answer, but not the one he’d just given him. “Well, could you at least come over here and talk to me?” he asked, indicating the area at the foot of Donna’s bed. 

Without further argument, Josh slid his hand from Donna’s and walked over to Sam. “What’s with you?” he asked Sam. 

“What’s with me?” Sam said in an annoyed whisper. “What’s with me is that we’ve all been worried sick about you. I think Leo and the President were about ready to call the FBI.” 

Josh blinked in surprise. “Why were you guys worried?” 

“Because you’ve been doing a slow unravel over this thing with Donna and it’s not like you to simply up and disappear. You’re just lucky I’m the one who found you first and not Leo or you’d be getting yourself chewed a new one right about now.” 

It kind of felt like Sam was chewing him a new one, but Josh didn’t say that. 

“But...I’m fine,” Josh sputtered instead. 

“Yes, Josh but seeing as how you didn’t show up for work today, didn’t go to any of the meetings you had scheduled, weren’t at home, didn’t tell anyone where you were going, and weren’t answering your cell phone, WE didn’t know that!” he said angrily as he tried to keep his voice low. 

“I’m sorry, Sam, seriously,” Josh said honestly. “I’ve been so focused on Donna...I...I... didn’t even think to call and I’ve got my cell, but I must have put it on vibrate and didn’t noticed when it went off.” 

Pulling the phone out of his jeans, he flipped open the display and looked at the ‘missed messages’...there were 35. Everyone from CJ, Sam, Leo and Toby to Debbie, Charlie and what looked to be the White House operator had been trying to get hold of him. 

“I just had to be here...” Josh said quietly. 

“Where are my pantyhose?” Donna said, picking that moment to wake up. 

Sam looked at Donna and then back to Josh. “Did she just ask...?” 

“Yeah,” Josh replied. “Her temperature has gone up to 106 and when she’s awake she’s pretty delusional. This morning she argued with the nurse about the price of eggs because she thought the nurse was a grocery cashier.” 

“Really?” Sam asked with a little grin. 

“Oh, it gets better. Around lunch time today she thought I was President Bartlet.” He wasn’t ready to tell Sam, or anyone else, exactly what Donna had said when she thought he was the President. Right now he was hanging onto that like a precious jewel. 

“You’re kidding? She thought you were the President?” Sam said with a little laugh. “That must have been a boost to your ego.” 

“Yeah, I got quite the boost,” Josh replied enigmatically referring to the fact that she’d said she still loved him. 

“I’m serious!” Donna continued. “I need my pantyhose, Marla, the control top ones or I’m going to be late to work. Did you borrow them? ‘Cause if you did, I’m going to hurt you...they were the last pair I had that didn’t have a run in them.” 

“Who’s ‘Marla’?” Sam asked. 

“Her old roommate,” Josh explained. 

“Do women really share their pantyhose?” 

“Why are you asking me?” Josh wondered. 

“I mean, wouldn’t that be a little like sharing your underwear?” Sam said with a little revulsion. 

“I have no clue, Sam,” Josh replied. “Do you think I spend a lot of time wondering if women swap their undergarments?” 

“Well...you never can tell,” Sam said. 

“Thanks a lot, Sam. Why don’t you ask Ainsley the next time you see her?” 

“Marla, are you listening?!” Donna said apparently annoyed now, but determined to get an answer on the pantyhose question. 

Josh turned toward Donna. “I don’t have them,” he told her. “You put them in your top dresser drawer.” That seemed to satisfy Donna and she quieted down and drifted back off to sleep. 

Sam gave him a strange look. “Did you make that up or do you really know where she keeps her pantyhose?” 

“Sometimes it helps calm her down if you answer her,” Josh explained not answering Sam’s question. The only reason he knew where she kept them was because she’d told him when they’d had the discussion about why her name was written in the back of her underwear. 

Sam had a feeling he wasn’t going to get an answer to his question, but it would be an interesting topic to bring up with Ainsley that night. He glanced at a now sleeping Donna and sobered. 

“So how’s she doing? Is she going to be okay?” he asked Josh. 

It took Josh a moment to get the words out. “She could die, Sam. If she goes into septic shock...she could die.” 

“I’m sorry,” Sam replied quietly 

“Right now they’re doing everything they can to keep her going. They started her on a new course of antibiotics this morning, but it will be a day or two before they think she’ll start responding. Her kidneys are barely functioning. They may have to put her through dialysis if they don’t start working soon. They’re also worried that she’ll come out of it with some level of kidney damage.” 

“Kind of makes you wonder when she’s going to get a break,” Sam replied softly. 

“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “That’s just what I’ve been thinking.” 

The two of them stood there silently for a moment watching her sleep. Then she began to grow restless again. 

“Josh...? Where are you Josh?” she called softly. 

Josh moved back to her side and took her hand again. “I’m right here, Donna.” She seemed to quiet a bit, but she still continued to mumble his name. 

He turned back to look at Sam. “I’m not leaving her. I know Leo and the President won’t like it and if they want my resignation I’ll be happy to give it to them, but until she gets past this I’m not going anywhere.” 

********** 

They knew him, of course. It was hard to miss the handsome, slightly rumpled, curly haired guy who hovered like an avenging angel near the bed of the woman he so clearly loved. It was almost like he was standing between her and death.

Except for the monitors and the machines and the light coming through the glass walls from the center of the ICU, it was dark inside Donna’s cubical. Josh, who was still holding her hand, was dozing lightly in the chair by her bed. 

Once again, Donna somehow managed to rise above the undertow of unconsciousness to open her eyes. Looking around the strange room, she wondered where she was. Everything was long shadow and gray mist. The only thing that seemed to come out of the fog at her was the faded image of someone sitting by her bed. She searched her brain for who it might be. 

Not Josh, of course...he was gone. 

Then her mind seemed to stumble across it. Ah, yes...Stanley. It had to be Stanley. He was there for their next session and he was probably going to find out why she’d been slacking on her physical therapy. Idly, she wondered why it was so dark. Maybe it was some new kind of psycho-therapy tool that she’d never heard of. 

“Stanley?” she said softly. 

Although he hadn’t caught the fact that she’d said Stanley’s name, Josh snapped awake at the sound of her voice. It was light enough that he could easily see her face and once again, he saw her blue eyes staring at him. Even in the low light, they seemed to glow with an inner fire. 

After the earlier pantyhose discussion, two others had followed. One had been a brief dissertation on the merits of Spam - the food, not the e-mail - and the other had been a much longer, rather convoluted episode, in which Donna seemed to think she was visiting the Lincoln Memorial and Josh was the statue of Lincoln she was asking questions of. More often than not, the questions were not about Lincoln’s life or his presidency or even the civil war, but questions more along the lines of if he lived today would he use paper or plastic at the grocery store and who would win in a game of Twister...him or John Quincy Adams. 

“Donna?” he said, wondering who or what she thought he was and what conversation she was going to want to have this time. 

“I thought you were supposed to be here next week, Stanley.” 

Stanley? She thought he was Stanley? He let out a breath. Pretending to be all these characters was sort of fun, but he wished she could see him...wished that her eyes would focus in on him and dance the way they had during that first week they’d been together after the shooting. At that point though, he’d take what he could get. 

“Well, Mr. Yakamoura had to cancel so I had a spot open,” Josh replied. 

“You’re going to give me a hard time about my physical therapy aren’t you?” 

“I hadn’t planned to...should I?” Hey, this psychiatrist gig wasn’t too hard...you just kept asking questions. 

“To be honest, Stanley, what’s the point?” 

Josh frowned. “You have to do your physical therapy to walk again,” he told her. 

“What good is walking again? I’ve lost Josh, nothing else matters.” Tears swam in her eyes. 

Although he was supposed to be playing a part and Stanley wouldn’t have smiled at her comment, Josh did. Not because it was funny, but because he had a simple solution to her problem. 

“Are you sure you lost him? Maybe if you just told him...” 

Donna shook her head. “No, you don’t know...” her voice faded off as she drifted a bit. “You don’t know...you don’t...know,” she continued to mumble softly. “...no, no...you don’t know....” 

He had that voyeuristic feeling again and knew he probably should shut up and let her go back to sleep or unconscious or whatever, but he found that he wasn’t quite that noble. He’d been searching for answers so long and now they seemed to be right in front of him. 

“What don’t I know, Donna?” he urged. 

She seemed to resurface. “You don’t know...what I did....” 

“What...? What did you do?” he said giving her hand a squeeze. 

“I was...terrible to him, Stanley. I made him think I was mad at him about...her.” 

“Her? Who..?” He frowned. “You mean Amy?” 

“Yeah,” she said quietly. 

“And you weren’t mad about Amy?” 

“I was a little, at first...bitch called me ‘the other woman’?” Donna said in sudden irritation. 

Josh had to suppress a little grin at the fight in her voice. 

Then she got quiet. “More hurt...than mad. Josh was sorry...he said he was sorry.” 

“And did you believe him?” Josh asked. He’d always thought that she had, but he wanted to hear her say it now. 

“Yes...I forgave him,” she replied. 

Josh frowned. “Then why didn’t you tell him that?” 

“He wouldn’t have stayed away,” she said sadly. 

“Do you want him to stay away?” 

“No...but he has to,” she answered with renewed tears in her eyes. 

“Why?” 

“To protect us.” 

This was turning into some kind of scene from Truth or Consequences. Josh suddenly had the feeling he should be backing slowly out the room, but his feet seemed rooted to the floor and his mouth seemed to have a mind of its own. 

“To protect you from what?” 

She sighed heavily. “So many things, Stanley.” 

“Like what?” he urged. 

“Scandal...Press can be so mean, Stanley...they’d take us and make it sordid and ugly.” Her voice was soft and a little sad. “Josh would fight them and defend me, but he’d come to resent me.” 

“No, I...he wouldn’t,” Josh insisted. “He wouldn’t resent you. He’d give up politics and move to Alaska if you asked him to.” 

“Would never ask him to,” she said. “Politics is who he is...what he is...would never make him choose. Such a good heart....wants to make the world a better place.” 

“He’s a better person because you’re with him,” Josh told her. 

Looking tired and a little dazed again, she continued. “Still be a better person after I leave.” 

“No, he won’t,” he said quietly. 

“Saved me, Stanley...Josh saved me. Owe him everything. I did something stupid...” her voice started to fade again. “So stupid...” 

Josh frowned. “Donna, what was the stupid thing?” 

Her head moved a bit restlessly as if she was struggling a bit. “I can’t...can’t tell you about the...” She paused. “I can’t...” 

“Please Donna, it’s okay, you can tell me anything.” 

“I tried to protect him...but he had to protect me from Cliff...to save me.” 

He realized she was referring to the diary. “Are you talking about the diary, Donna?” 

She was silent, but he could see her eyes were still open. “You know about the diary?” she said in a small voice. 

“Yes, um...Josh told me about it.” He paused. “He wanted to save you from that, Donna, he likes it when you need him.” Something she’d said came back to him and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end. “What were you protecting him from, Donna?” Josh asked. “Was there something in the diary that would have hurt him?” 

“I lied to the committee...if I’d told them about it...it would have exposed everything,” she said with renewed tears. 

“Exposed what?” he asked. 

“I loved him...lived with him after Rosslyn....wrote it all down. Christmas, his hand... everything. I couldn’t let them find out...so I lied. But Cliff knew and Josh had to keep me out of prison.” 

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat. Once again she’d been protecting him. “Oh, Donna, you should have told him.” 

“He wasn’t ready to know how I felt...doesn’t matter now...” her voice trailed off for a moment. “Doesn’t matter...” she said quietly. 

Josh frowned again. “Why doesn’t it?” 

“Won’t be a burden to him,” she said tiredly. “Won’t be the paralyzed albatross around his neck.” She let out a long sigh. 

Josh wanted to shake her so she would hear him, but he had to settle for scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration. “You wouldn’t be a burden,” he told her firmly. “He would never see you as a burden.” 

Tears filled her eyes as she looked at his shadowy figure. “Yes he would...might not walk again...bathroom problems...” A little sob escaped her as she seemed to come to especially troublesome part. “Might not be able to feel him...” she swallowed. “...make love to me...might not be able to have his babies. I want his children, Stanley...dreamed of them...with his dimples and curls.” Her words ended with another little sob. “...I’d be a burden,” she murmured. 

Josh was pretty sure his heart had just stopped. Children...she wanted to have his children and it tore her apart to think she might not be able to. It had to be the single most poignant moment of his life. 

“No, Donna, for all those things he would never see you as a burden.” She seemed to consider that. “Please Donna, this is so easy for you to fix. Just talk to him, tell him everything. He loves you, he’ll understand.” There was a long pause and he could see that tears were still trailing down her cheeks. “Donna...?” 

“I can’t,” she said, her voice thick with tears. “It’s not that easy.” 

“Yes, it is,” Josh insisted. “You’re the one who’s making it hard.” 

“I can’t,” she repeated. 

“Why can’t you?” 

“No...” she cried. 

“Donna, come on...” he coaxed. 

“I’m scared,” she whispered. 

Josh blinked at her. She was scared? He wouldn’t have guessed that in a million years. “Scared? Why are you scared?” 

“He’ll hurt me...” she said. 

Josh frowned and his anger rose. He’d destroy anyone who tried to hurt her. “Who... who will hurt you?” 

She let out another little sob as she resisted the word. “Josh.” 

He couldn’t have been more stunned if she’d stood up, walked around the bed and slapped him. 

“Donna...I would...Josh would never hit you or anything like that.” 

“Not that kind of hurt,” she told him. 

“What kind?” 

“The kind inside...breaks your heart.” 

Josh had to force the words from his mouth. “Wh...wh...why are you scared that he’ll hurt you like that?” he asked with a weird tremble in his voice. 

The words seem to tumble out of her like water over smooth stones, too fast for Josh to even put up an argument. “What if he only thinks he loves me...what if he says he loves me but only because he’s my best friend and doesn’t want to tell me the truth...what if he’s with me because of duty or because he feels sorry for me?” 

Hearing her words, Josh relaxed a little and finally broke into what she was saying. “Donna, believe me when I say that Josh loves you, he knows he loves you and he plans on loving you for the rest of his life.” 

Rather than comforting her, his words only seemed to make her sadder. “Stanley...you don’t know...” she said softly crying now. 

Josh realized she was getting way too upset and it was largely his fault for trying to get the truth out of her. “It’s okay, Donna,” he tried to soothe her. “Why don’t you rest now?” 

Now that he wanted her to calm down she seemed determined to continue. “No, have to tell you...to make you understand.” 

“Okay, Donna, go ahead,” Josh told her. “But you’ve got to try to calm down a little.” 

“Josh...he does this thing...he did it to Amy...and it scares me most of all,” she said tearfully. 

His panic level instantly went back up again. “What thing?” 

“Tumbles into women...waits for them to break up with him,” she told him tearfully. “...if they don’t break up with him...he ignores them.” 

Donna had said that to him before, of course, but in light of their new relationship, it took on a whole new meaning. Josh listened in stunned silence as she continued. 

“Happened with Amy,” she said crying quietly. “Was all excited about Tahiti thing at his apartment....then he was with me but...but....” she let out a shaky breath. 

“But what, Donna?” 

“...He never broke things off with her... just hoped that she would go away.” She started to cry softly again and it seemed like she had to fight to get the words out. “Don’t want to be the last one to know that he’s broken up with me. I’m not strong like Amy. If Josh did that to me, I would die. He’s everything to me.” 

Josh felt like a hole had been kicked in his chest and his heart had been ripped out. 

She was right. He had no defense against her words. He saw now that it wasn’t the thing with Amy that was the problem. It was Donna’s fear that she would be next. 

And who’s to say she wasn’t right? Although he and Stanley had talked about his unhealthy pattern of dating mean brunettes and he knew that without a doubt what he felt for Donna was different than anything he’d felt before, what if he did hurt her? Or what if he turned out like Leo and he neglected her and put work before her and 20 years from now he wound up alone and living in a room at the Hay Adams? 

What if he killed the best thing that had ever happened to him? 

Oh, God. He’d made her afraid of him...afraid of what he would do to her...afraid of what he would do to them. 

He came out of his shock, sickened with himself...with who he was...with who he might always be... 

He looked down at Donna and felt part of him crumble. Even though she was still crying, she’d started to drift off again and the sounds of her crying slowly faded into silence until Josh was left alone with tears of his own running down his face. 

Well, he’d wanted answers and now he had them. He’d played with fire and he’d gotten burned. 

********** 

26 hours and a few more odd, but unrevealing conversations later, Donna’s body began to fight off the infection and her fever broke. When her temperature began to drop, her restlessness ceased and she slid into a sleep more peaceful than she’d had in days. 

Mary watched happily as Josh bent to kiss Donna tenderly. In the last two and a half days, he’d only left her beside to use the bathroom and when the nurses needed to do something. She’d never seen anyone so dedicated to another person. With a sigh, she went to call Dr. Scott with the good news about Donna’s fever breaking. 

When she got back, the chair next to Donna’s bed was empty and Josh was gone. 


	33. Trial by Fire 32

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 32**

Sam pulled into his spot in the White House parking lot and climbed out of his car. It was early yet, just before 6:30 and the sun was coming up. He gathered his things and then drew in a deep lungful of the early spring morning air. He’d heard on the radio that the day was supposed to be sunny and slightly cool. 

Locking the car, he started across the parking lot and met Toby halfway there. 

“Hey, Toby,” Sam greeted him. “How’s it going?” 

Toby took a sip of coffee from the insulated cup he was holding. “Sam, how long have we been working together?” 

Sam blinked at him as they continued walking. “Um...well, with the campaign, I’d say almost 4 years.” 

“Almost 4 years,” Toby agreed. “And how many times in those 4 years have you heard me tell you not to talk to me until after I’ve finished my first cup of coffee?” 

Sam didn’t miss a beat. “Probably 2...or 3...hundred.” 

“Then, why is it that you are talking to me now?” Toby asked. “Is it not plain to see that I am still drinking my first cup?” 

“Yes, but I’m doing just what I did those other 2 or 3 hundred times and I’m ignoring your comments about the talking.” This was his usual method of dealing with Toby in the morning. Usually Toby didn’t start interacting well with others, okay... well for Toby, until senior staff. 

“Fine, just keep talking then...I’m going to pretend to listen while I finish my coffee,” Toby replied. 

“Okay,” Sam said with a smile. “So, I just dropped Ainsley off at home...” 

Toby stopped walking and glared at him. “Please, Sam, tell me you weren’t just going to do six paragraphs on your love life with our associate White House counsel.” 

“I thought you weren’t listening,” Sam asked him with a little smirk. 

“Well, that’s the kind of thing that flies in under my defenses and lodges itself permanently in my brain until I feel like I have to stab my own eyes out!” Toby ranted. 

“I can’t help it...I’m happy,” Sam said as they started walking again. “I like to share.” 

“Fine, share away...but just not with me and certainly not before I’ve finished my first cup of coffee!” he said waving his cup around. 

“Wow, are you in a really bad mood today. I just meant...hey,” Sam exclaimed. 

“It’s my God-given right to be in a bad mood if I want, in fact I think there’s a case to be made for it even being a right granted to me under the First Amendment! Now if...” Toby stopped his tirade when he realized he was walking by himself. He turned to see Sam standing a few feet behind him looking at something. 

“It’s Josh’s car,” Sam remarked pointing to Josh’s Audi parked in its usual space as Toby walked over. Since Josh had driven it to the hospital when Donna wound up in intensive care, it had been missing from the parking lot. “That must mean he’s here.” 

“Brilliant bit of deductive reasoning, there Sherlock,” Toby replied dryly. 

Sam ignored him. “Donna must be better. I was going to go over and see how they were both doing today, but now I can get the scoop from Josh.” 

“The scoop?” Toby remarked. “What are you Jimmy Olsen now or something?” 

“Well, if I was that would mean you were Perry White, The Daily Planet’s mean, grumpy, ranting editor,” Sam remarked as they turned and started back for the White House. 

“Ah, but I already have an alter ego, remember?” Toby pointed out. I am, and will forever be, the Batman of speechwriting and you my little friend...Dick...will always be Robin.” He grinned. The morning was turning around. “At least to me anyway.” 

They walked into the northwest lobby. “You know, Toby, is there any way I’m going to get you to stop bringing that up? We are not the Batman and Robin of speechwriting.” He paused a moment as they walked through the White House. “Besides, you know, not all Batman comics have a ‘Robin’ in the story. Sometimes he’s the Dark Knight and he works alone. I’m THAT Batman.” 

“Okay, Sam, I find it a little freakish that you know so much about comic book characters,” he said as they walked into the communications bullpen. “First Superman and now Batman. Do you not have enough to do or something?” 

“Hi guys,” Ginger greeted them. 

“Hey Ginger,” Sam said as he walked into his office to put his things down. Toby just grunted at her as he walked into his office, which is more than she got from him some days. 

Ginger couldn’t suppress a little smile as she watched both men walk into their respective offices, put down their things, glance at their messages, and then walk out again in perfect timing. They couldn’t have done it better if they’d practiced it. ‘They’re quite the pair,’ she thought. 

“Toby, you know very well I’ve got more than enough to do,” Sam said picking up their earlier conversation as they walked out of their offices and headed for Operations to talk to Josh. “Especially with the work the President’s got me doing on the gun bill.” 

“I’m just saying that you seem to have plenty of knowledge about 12 year old boy comic book things for someone who’s supposed to be that busy,” he said as they walked into the still largely deserted Operations bullpen. Most of Josh’s staff didn’t get there until 7 or 8 and it was only about 6:45. 

“I’m not going to win this argument am I?” Sam asked. 

“It’s very mature of you to realize that, Sam,” Toby said with a smirk. 

“Well...I think we’ve reached the ‘bite me’ part of the program,” Sam replied. “Hey? Why is Josh’s door closed?” 

“Sorry, Sam. I left my x-ray glasses in my other pants.” 

Sam ignored his comment. It seemed a little early for Josh to have a meeting, plus he wouldn’t have known that Donna would be better, so how could he have even set up a meeting? It struck him as strange. He knocked on the door, but got no response. 

It seemed even more strange when he tried the knob and found that it wouldn’t budge. “It’s locked,” he commented. 

Sam was pretty sure the only time Josh locked his office was when there was a function at the White House and a lot of outside people were in the building. He kept all his confidential and sensitive papers locked in file cabinets and with the building generally being so secure there was really no reason to keep it locked. There was also the fact that Josh and locks had a long, unfriendly history. In fact, it was usually Donna that was keeper of the keys. 

“It’s locked?” Toby asked. “I didn’t think Josh ever locked his door.” 

“He hardly ever does. Maybe the lock is just broken,” Sam said with a shrug. “Toby, go check the right side door and I’ll check the left.” 

Josh’s office actually had three doors: the main one that opened onto the bullpen, one that opened onto the northwest lobby, and the third that opened onto a side hallway. Sam and Toby went in different directions and walked around to check the other two doors. Both were also closed and locked and there was no answer when they knocked and called out for Josh. 

They walked back over to Josh’s door and Sam knocked again. “JOSH?!” There was still no answer. Sam had an idea and he started for the lobby. 

“Where are you going?” Toby called. 

“I’m going to check something.” Maybe Josh wasn’t there at all. Maybe he’d dropped his car off last night and locked his office for some unknown reason. 

Toby sighed. Rather than following Sam, he decided to wait where he was in case Josh showed up. 

Sam walked out into the Northwest Lobby and over to the guard on duty. “Mark?” 

The young guard looked up. “Yes, Mr. Seaborne?” 

“Have you seen Mr. Lyman?” 

The guard frowned. “No, not since I came on at 5 am. But let me check the log from last night.” 

Of course the guards kept a record of visitors at all times, but as a standard practice, during non-working hours, the guards also kept a record of anyone, including White House staff that were coming or going from the building. Mark looked down at the large log on the desk, flipped back a page and scanned it. 

“Oh, here it is...yes, he came in this morning.” 

Sam frowned. “When?” 

“About 3 am,” Mark answered. 

Sam frowned and the first real sense of worry began to creep up his spine. What the hell was Josh doing here that early? “3 am?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Is there any note with that...like he was upset or agitated?” Sam asked. 

Mark looked again. “No, just that Mr. Lyman came through here at 3 am.” 

“Is there any notation about him leaving again?” 

Mark scanned the book for the third time, “No, sir, there isn’t, and like I said I haven’t seen him since I started my shift.” 

“Oh, okay...thank you,” Sam mumbled as he went back to where Toby was standing waiting. 

“Josh got here at 3 this morning,” Sam reported. 

“Well, I know Josh is a workaholic, but without a national emergency that seems a little excessive, even for him,” Toby agreed. 

Sam stared at him for a minute, a terrible thought going through his mind. “Toby...what if...what if Donna’s not better? What if she’s...she’s...the other thing and he came back here?” 

Toby had picked up on his worry, but he was trying to take things step-by-step. “Let’s not go there yet, Sam,” he said. 

Turning, Sam walked over to Donna/Alan’s desk and looked down at the phone. If Josh’s office phone was in use, the light on this phone would be lit up, but the phone was dark. 

“He’s not using his office phone,” Sam remarked. 

Toby pulled out his cell phone and tried calling Josh’s cell. He got Josh’s voice mail. “He’s not answering his cell, either.” 

Sam looked at him. “I think something’s wrong, Toby.” 

Toby let out a breath. “I think you may be right.” 

Toby picked up the desk phone and dialed Leo’s office. Since Margaret hadn’t gotten there yet, Leo picked up the phone himself. “Yeah?” he said absently as he continued reviewing the briefing book he had in front of him. 

“Leo, it’s Toby. Sam and I are in the Operations bullpen and we think we might have a problem.” 

He was still only half listening. “When isn’t there a problem, Toby?” 

“With Josh.” 

That got Leo’s attention. “With Josh...? Why...? Did something happen with Donna?” 

“We don’t know,” Toby told him. “Sam and I saw Josh’s car in the lot and the guard said Josh came through the lobby about 3 am, but when we came over to talk to him we found his office closed and locked and he’s not answering his cell or his office phone.” 

“Josh doesn’t lock his office,” Leo said, the concern was evident in his voice. 

“We know.” 

Sam piped in. “Does he want me to break the door down?” he offered. 

Toby resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Sam wants to know if he should break the door down?” 

“Yeah, cause I want to visit Sam in the hospital when he breaks his shoulder rather than the door,” Leo replied, thinking quickly. “I’ll call Ron. The Secret Service has access to all the keys in the building. Hold onto Sam and we’ll be right there.” 

“Well?” Sam asked hopefully as Toby hung up the phone. 

“Leo wants you to save your body parts. He’s going to call Ron. The Secret Service has keys,” Toby answered. 

Sam tried the door again, but this time he didn’t knock...he pounded. “JOSH! THIS ISN’T FUNNY, OPEN THE DAMM DOOR!” Turning back to Toby he shook his hand which was now throbbing. “Ow, that hurt.” 

“You still want to try breaking the door down?” Toby asked, fiddling with the change in his pocket nervously. 

“Well...it is a little sturdier than I thought,” Sam replied, rubbing his hand. 

Just then, there was a flurry of activity off to their left and a group of people, led by Leo, Ron and the President came walking through the lobby and into the bullpen. 

“Any change?” Leo asked. 

Sam shook his head. “I’m still not getting any response.” 

Ron stepped forward with the key and slid it into the lock. Turning it, he unlocked the door and with a turn of the knob, opened it. As he did, there was a slight rustling sound, it took him a moment to realize that it came from the papers on the floor being pushed out of the way by the door. Ron stood by the door as the others stopped in the doorway and took in the sight that greeted them. 

Josh’s office was well and truly trashed. Papers and files were everywhere. His visitors chairs were laying on their sides, having been apparently flung in different directions. The bookshelves that lined one side of his office were almost empty, at least what could be reached without standing on anything and the contents scattered on the floor. The majority of the pictures and diplomas that had been hanging on the walls were now missing and presumably lying in among the rest of the tangle. The most striking thing was that the top of his desk was completely bare except for three things. 

A half-empty, open bottle of Jack Daniels Whiskey... 

A plain white rectangular envelope with the President’s name written on it in Josh’s handwriting... 

And a framed picture of a smiling Josh and Donna the night of the first Inauguration lying face up next to the envelope. 

Sam let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Josh?” he said. When he got no response he stepped forward. 

Josh’s desk chair was pointed away from them to face the window, but they could see what appeared to be one of Josh’s knees, so Sam assumed he was sitting in the chair. For a second he had the crazy, horrifying image of finding Josh dead in the chair. 

Sam cautiously walked over to the chair. He relaxed when he saw Josh was indeed sitting in the chair, very much alive. A half-full high ball glass that Sam recognized as one of Toby’s was in his hand and Josh was staring out the window, his face was wet with tears. He was also still wearing the same clothes he’d worn to the ICU three days earlier and, judging from the amount of stubble on his face, apparently hadn’t shaved since then either. 

Sam looked up at the men gathered in the doorway and gave them a nod to let them know he was there. Toby and Leo stepped into the room a little farther, but when Jed started forward to do the same, Ron stopped him. 

“I need you to stay back, Mr. President,” he said quietly. “We don’t know his state of mind right now.” 

Jed looked at the Secret Service agent. “Ron, is there any way he could have gotten a gun or some other kind of weapon in the building?” 

“I don’t believe so, sir.” 

“And I think it’s clear he’s just about destroyed all of the other things in this room that could be used as a weapon.” 

Ron’s glance fell to the items on the desk. Walking over to it, Ron picked up the envelope and held it up to the light. Satisfied that it was nothing more than an envelope and a piece of paper, he handed it to the President, who slid it into his inside jacket pocket. 

“Toby, why don’t you put this on the credenza?” Ron asked, handing him the framed picture of Josh and Donna. With a nod, Toby took it and set it behind him on the credenza under the large chalkboard. 

“I’ll take the bottle of Jack Daniels, too,” Toby told him as Ron replaced the cap and passed the bottle to him. “I’m pretty sure it came out of my office anyway,” he explained. 

Next, Ron walked over to stand by Sam, so he could see if Josh had any other kind of weapons, but Josh was only holding the glass of whiskey. Satisfied that he’d removed any potential weapons, he went back to stand by the President. 

Jed could see a shadow of concern on Ron’s usually impassive face. “What other threat do you think he might pose?” Jed asked, filling in the blank. 

Ron looked from Josh to the President. “He could be a physical threat.” 

“Josh has never been violent to anyone but himself, I don’t believe he’s a threat to me now.” He paused. “And if he does something stupid, I’ve got the four of you here and the two agents outside the door who can put him down if he makes a threatening move toward me,” he said, trying to set up a sound, logical argument. “Not to mention we’ve got his desk between us.” 

“And, if I might add, Ron....” Toby put in. “I’m pretty sure this bottle was almost full when I saw it last, so he’s probably in no condition to be a threat to anyone, including himself.” 

“Please Ron, I’d like to stay,” Jed replied. 

Ron considered that. “Okay, Mr. President,” he agreed. “But until we get a clearer picture of things, I want you to stay behind me.” 

“Ron, come on...this is Josh, not some terrorist or stalker,” Jed replied. 

“I know, Mr. President,” Ron agreed. “But I really would feel better if you’d do as I ask...for now.” 

The President struggled with what Ron was asking. He really felt like Ron was being way too cautious. As much as he liked and respected Ron Butterfield and the Secret Service, especially after Rosslyn, he still chafed a bit under their protection. He let out a small sigh...he also knew that Ron was just doing his job. “All right,” he relented. 

With a nod, Ron allowed the President to step inside and stand next to Leo. Ron gave the two other agents orders to wait outside Josh’s office. Then he closed the door and took his place in front of the President. Jed skirted the rules a bit by peeking his head out around Ron’s shoulder, so he could see what was going on. 

As if to say ‘we’re ready for anything,’ the four men looked expectantly at Sam. 

Sam nodded and leaned forward a bit so he was closer to his friend. “Josh...?” he tried again. Josh’s only response was to raise the glass and take a drink of the amber liquid. “Josh...what happened? Why is your office like this?” There was still no response. 

“Josh...?” Jed asked from where he looked around Ron’s shoulder. “Son...did something happen to Donna?” The five of them held their collective breaths. 

There was another long silence and just when they all thought they were going to get another non-answer, Josh spoke. 

“Her fever broke this morning...she’s going to be fine.” 

His voice was rough and a little hoarse, but given the amount of alcohol he’d apparently consumed, surprisingly clear and steady. In fact, his answer had a slightly empty, almost mechanical tone to it. His gaze had never strayed from looking out the window. 

The five of them released the breath they were holding, but looked at each other in surprise. They all had the same question on their minds. ‘It was good news, GREAT news, so why was Josh treating it as if someone had just died?’ 

Sam watched as Josh raised the glass and took another drink. “What is it, Josh?” he asked laying his hand on Josh’s shoulder. He was a little surprised when Josh didn’t flinch or try and pull away, but he had no reaction to Sam at all. 

Leo tried this time. “Josh, why is your office like this...?” he asked walking slowly forward until he was right next to Sam and could see Josh staring out the window. What he saw worried him. From his own personal experience, he could recognize the drunken despair and anger on Josh’s face. “Why are YOU like this...?” 

Josh still didn’t look up or answer, but only took another slow, deliberate drink. 

It was becoming pretty obvious they probably weren’t going to get any answers out of him until they could dry him out. 

“Sam, Toby...why don’t you guys take him home and let him dry out. One of you will need to stay with...” Leo began. 

“No...” 

They all blinked in surprise to not only hear Josh speak again, but hear him put up resistance to what Leo was saying. 

“Josh...I think it would be for the best right now,” Leo said softly. 

“No...” Josh replied again, his voice tight and controlled. 

“Come on, Josh,” Sam said sliding his hand gently around Josh’s arm and giving it a gentle tug. “You’ve got to be tired after staying with Donna the last few days.” Sam felt Josh resist him tugging on his arm. 

“I can’t...” 

Sam frowned. “Why can’t you?” 

There was another long silence and again, instead of answering, Josh took a drink. 

“Josh...? Why can’t you go home?” Leo demanded, hoping the tone of authority might get through to him. He had visions of Josh’s apartment being trashed too. “Did you do the same thing to your apartment that you did to your office?” 

No answer. 

“Josh...?!” Leo said a bit more heatedly. 

Still no answer...just another drink. 

“Okay,” Leo said in annoyance. “We don’t have all day to do this...Sam, Toby...take him home...” 

Leo’s words made something snap and Josh exploded. Whipping his chair around, he leapt out of it. The remaining whiskey in the glass sloshed dangerously as Josh gestured wildly with it. 

“I SAID, I CAN’T GO HOME!” he roared, making everyone jump a little in surprise. “SHE’S THERE! SHE’S ALL OVER MY APARTMENT!!” he yelled. 

None of them needed to ask who ‘she’ was. After the last three weeks, the five of them knew without a doubt he was talking about Donna. 

“DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!!” he screamed at them. “EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE HER!!” 

Turning, Josh blindly hurled the glass at the wall to his right, just missing Sam with it as it flew across the room. The heavy glass hit the wall, smashed into a number of pieces and fell to the floor. Although half of the whiskey had come out of the glass as it flew through the room, the remainder made a splattered wet spot on the wall and it began to drip down in little rivers. 

Protectively, Ron took a step back. “Mr. President I want you out of here.” 

But Jed wasn’t going to be overruled this time. “No, Ron, I’ll stay behind you, but I’m not leaving.” Jed sensed that Ron wanted to argue, but he remained silent. 

After hurling the glass across the room, Josh had paused, almost like he was gathering strength to expel the rest of what he was feeling. Then he exploded once again. 

“I TRIED GOING HOME! BUT HER THINGS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE...HOW CAN I LOOK AT THEM...AT HER...KNOWING WHAT I’VE DONE?!” 

The five men were all at a loss and didn’t know quite how to respond. “What did you do, Josh?” Sam asked quietly. ‘What the hell happened?’ he wondered. The last time he’d seen Josh, he was tired and worried about Donna, but had seemed in good spirits. How had they arrived at this? 

Josh’s breathing was hard and rapid, as if he’d just run a marathon. “I DESTROYED US, SAM...I DESTROYED EVERYTHING!!!” he ranted. “JUST LIKE I ALWAYS DO!! SO I CAME HERE TO MAKE THE DESTRUCTION COMPLETE!!!” A pile of folders was scattered by him on the floor and he kicked at them, sending them flying in different directions. 

“Stop it, Josh!!!” Leo yelled at him. “What do you mean you destroyed everything? What the hell did you do, Josh...?!” he demanded. 

Josh looked at Leo with eyes gone dead and flat and when he spoke, his voice was low and deadly calm. The kind of calm that terrifies you more than all the noise in the world. “You want to know what I did?” 

To everyone’s surprise, he chuckled. But it held no humor...no warmth, instead, it dripped with disgust and exhaustion and...bone deep sadness. 

Planting his hands on his hips, Josh stared at the ceiling for a moment to try and stem the tide of emotions and tears that were threatening to overwhelm him. In that position, the alcohol in his system made him sway a little and Sam tried to lay his hand on Josh’s arm to steady him but Josh pulled away. 

Josh took a harsh breath and leveled his gaze back on Leo. “I hurt her... disappointed her...and most of all I scared her.” He took a harsh breath. “Do you GET THAT?!” he said as his voice went up in volume again. “I...SCARED HER!! SHE’S...SCARED...OF ME!!” 

“Well, Josh I gotta tell you, right now, she ain’t the only one,” Leo said humorlessly as he tried to get through to Josh. “’Cause you’re sure as hell scaring the crap out of me.” 

Josh ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. “You just don’t understand,” he said with infinite sadness. 

“Then maybe you should try explaining it to us...without screaming this time,” Toby suggested. 

Between the alcohol and the emotion raging through him, Josh was having a hard time finding the words. 

“I scared her...with the thing with Amy...she thinks she’ll be the next one I’ll hurt...that I’ll break her heart.” He closed his eyes. “And the kicker is...I’m such an asshole that I probably will.” 

“Josh, come on...you know that’s not true. You wouldn’t hurt her,” Sam said, quietly. 

“But, Sam, I already have, over and over again. Doesn’t that just beat everything?” He did that sad, tired chuckle again. “She’s loved me all this time...did everything to protect me, even when I thought she was protecting you,” he said pointing an unsteady finger at the President, who was now only half standing behind Ron. “...she was protecting me, even with Calley and that damn diary...and I’m such a bastard that I still hurt her and probably will again.” 

None of them knew what he meant about Cliff Calley or any diary and the finger pointing and calling the President “you” was kind of a lapse in protocol, of course, but with half a bottle of Jack Daniels in him, Jed could give Josh some leeway. 

“So you see...” Josh said slurring his words a bit as he made a wide, sweeping gesture with his arm. Apparently now that the rage had burned out of him, the whiskey was beginning to fill in the gaps. “I can’t go home because she’s there...and I can’t go to the hospital because she’s there...so I came here, because she wasn’t here and I officed my trash.” 

“Officed your trash?” Sam asked in puzzlement. It was clear that Josh would be pulling into ‘incoherent babbling junction’ any minute. 

“I think he means he ‘trashed his office’,” Toby translated. 

Josh’s shoulders sagged defeatedly and, sinking back down in his desk chair, he put his head in his hands. “I came here because I have nowhere else to go.” 

Everyone in the room, except for Josh who was sniffling softly, was silent in the aftermath of his disclosures. Jed was the first one to recover. It was plain to see that Josh was no threat to him, so he stepped out from behind Ron. “Everyone... please,” he motioned for the other four men to come closer to him. They all gathered in a loose huddle with Sam keeping one eye on Josh. 

“Ron, could you have the agents clear a path to the Residence?” he asked quietly. Ron nodded and turning away slightly, spoke softly into the radio at his wrist. 

“Toby, I want you and a couple of the agents to take Josh upstairs and park him in one of the spare bedrooms in the Residence and let him sleep it off.” 

Toby nodded. “Yes, sir.” 

“I think, under the circumstances it would be best if he wasn’t alone right now so you’d better stay with him,” Leo put in. “I’ll have Ginger bring up your laptop and any work you want to do while you’re there.” 

“Sure, of course,” Toby replied. 

“Ron, I’d like a guard outside the bedroom to make sure he stays there or in case Toby needs any help with him.” 

“Yes, sir,” Ron replied as he spoke into the radio again. 

“I’m also going to send Abbey up to take a look at him and make sure he’s not going to die of alcohol poisoning or something.” He paused. “Sam, since you’ve seen him the most recently, do you know how long he’s been wearing those clothes?” 

“About 3 days,” Sam said quietly. “He wore them the night they called to tell him Donna was back in the ICU.” 

“Yeah, I had a feeling it was something like that. Sam, I’d like you to go to his apartment and get him some clean clothes...they can be casual like he has on right now, I’d just settle for clean and not smelling of Jack Daniels.” 

“Yes, sir,” Sam said with a nod. 

“One other thing Sam, what did Josh mean when he said Donna’s things were all over his place?” 

“When Donna gets done with her in-facility rehab, she was going to move into Josh’s apartment because it’s handicapped accessible and hers wasn’t,” Sam explained. “To save her from having to pay rent on her old apartment in the mean time he had her things moved to his apartment right before their blow-up.” 

Jed nodded thoughtfully. “Does Josh have a spare room in his apartment? Like a second bedroom or something?” 

“Yes, sir, he does,” Sam replied. 

“Good, when you’re over there, I’d like you to see about moving anything that looks like it might be Donna’s into the spare room where it will be out of sight,” Jed told him. “If it’s too much for one person, hire someone to do it or shanghai Ed, Larry and Charlie, but I want it done today, all right?” 

“Yes, sir, I’ll take care of it.” 

“Okay, last item...Sam, Toby, Leo...tonight at 8:00 I want us to all meet again in my private study. I’d like to have CJ and Abbey there too. Leo, I’ll leave it to you to fill in CJ...I’ll fill in Abbey.” 

“Yes, sir,” Leo answered. 

Jed continued. “Our inebriated friend over there will be the guest of honor at our own little intervention. Being there is an order, not a request.” He paused as Sam, Toby and Leo nodded. “And just so she’s not forgotten in the shuffle, I’ll have Abbey check with her buddy, Dr. Chambers over at GW to see how Donna’s doing.” 

Ron listened to the voice coming through his earpiece. “Mr. President we’ve got a path cleared to the Residence and three extra agents are waiting outside to escort Toby and Josh.” 

”Thank you, Ron,” Jed replied. “Okay, let’s get to it...” 

********** 

Jed sat alone at the wide, polished desk in his private study in the Residence. He was the first one of their little group to arrive and he felt vaguely like a character in an Agatha Christie novel. 

Maybe like that one book...And Then There Were None...where the mysterious host lures the 10 strangers to a forbidding island and one by one they start to die. 

Well, that was an exceedingly morbid thought, Jed observed. 

There would be no dying tonight, in fact, their little group of 8, including himself, were there to save a friend. 

Since he apparently had a few minutes to wait, Jed pulled the envelope that Toby had found on Josh’s desk out of his inside jacket pocket and slid the letter out of it. Josh must have written it before he’d started his Jack Daniels party because it was actually quite coherent. Although he’d already read it twice, Jed felt the need to read it again, so slipping his glasses on, he did just that while he waited for the others to arrive. 

_Dear Mr. President,_

It is with great regret that I must hereby tender my resignation. For personal reasons I cannot express here, I feel I can no longer adequately represent you or your administration as the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning. Thank you for all the opportunities you have given me. It has been a privilege working for you, sir, and an even bigger honor to know you. 

Warmest wishes, 

Joshua Lyman 

‘Oh, Josh, you big idiot...,” Jed thought with a sigh. ‘...Always trying to do things the hard way.’ Silently, he folded the letter up and slid it back into his pocket. 

Abbey breezed in through the open door and walked over to kiss his cheek. “Well, Donna is doing, much better,” she told him as she took a seat on one of the two wide leather couches. “Her temp is way down and although she’s very weak, she actually had some periods of lucid consciousness. They think that they’ll be able to put her back in her own room in a day or two. Dr. Chambers said he would keep me apprised of her condition.” She poured herself a cup of tea from the tray on the low coffee table. “I’m going to go and see her tomorrow,” she said, settling back against the couch and taking a sip. 

“That’s great news about Donna, I’m glad she’s doing better.” Jed said with a nod. “Give her my best when you see her.” 

“I will,” Abbey replied 

“Oh, things have been so hectic, I haven’t had a chance to ask you...how’s Josh doing?” Jed asked her. 

“About like you’d expect,” she said taking another sip of her tea. “Jackass drunk himself into a stupor, but I didn’t see any signs of alcohol poisoning, which given what I’ve heard of his sensitive system is a surprise,” she commented. “I am, however, sure he’ll be sporting quite the hangover when he gets here.” 

“I imagine hung-over Josh will make for quite interesting conversation,” Jed commented. 

“I imagine,” she replied then her expression softened just a bit. “I had to have a little sympathy for him though.” 

“Oh, why’s that?” 

“Well, from the bruising and swelling I saw, I’m pretty sure he fractured at least one bone in his right hand.” 

Jed recoiled a bit in surprise. “You’re kidding?” 

“No, I didn’t see any displacement so I’m guessing it’s a hairline fracture, probably in one of the metacarpal bones in his hand, that he got from punching something hard like a wall.” 

Jed didn’t remember seeing any holes in Josh’s office walls, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t one or that Josh hadn’t punched something before he got to the White House. “Well, when we found Josh this morning he was pretty upset so I’m not surprised,” he commented. 

Abbey looked at him for a minute. “He also kept mumbling Donna’s name in his sleep...” she said quietly. “...and saying he was sorry.” 

Jed let out a sigh. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me either.” 

“Jed, we have to do something,” Abbey insisted. “If you could have seen how happy they were when I visited Donna in the ICU, well...we have to do something.” 

“Don’t worry, Abbey, I have a plan,” he said. 

She smirked a little. “Actually Jethro, when you get a plan is usually the time I start worrying.” 

“Thanks a lot...” He heard voices coming up the hall so he cut his comments short. “Trust me.” She nodded silently, but there was a ‘don’t screw this up’ look in her eye. 

Just then, everyone else arrived all at once. Leo and CJ came in first, talking between themselves and behind them were Sam and Toby, half-dragging an apparently reluctant and obviously hung-over Josh between them. However, Jed was pleased to see that Josh had showered, shaved and was wearing a fresh set of clothes. 

“Come in everybody, come in,” Jed greeted them. “Please find a seat.” 

As they settled onto both couches, Jed walked to the door. “Please see we’re not disturbed,” he told the two agents. They nodded and took up their positions flanking the double doors as Jed pulled them closed. 

Jed walked to the desk, but rather than sitting down behind it, he simply leaned against the front of it. “Now...” he began. 

“Sir, I object,” Josh interrupted. 

“Well, no one said this was a trial, Josh,” Jed replied. “But since you decided to cut right to the chase, I’d like to tell you that I have some objections of my own.” Pushing away from the desk he stood and they remembered once again why he was the President of the United States. 

“I OBJECT to you drinking yourself into a stupor...and I OBJECT to you destroying your office. An office which I would like to remind you is also a room in MY house!” he said heatedly. “And most of all I OBJECT to you acting like a great big horse’s ass!” 

Josh blinked at the President in surprise. It took his sluggish brain a few moments to fire up an answer. “Y...yes, sir, I’m sorry...I’m going to resign.” 

“And that’s another thing, Josh, when I want you to resign I’ll let you know.” Jed told him. “Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, sir,” Josh grumbled, looking properly chastised. 

Josh felt awful on so many levels he’d lost count. His hand...his hangover...screwing up things with Donna...making an idiot out of himself this morning...all he had to do was find someone’s puppy to run over and his day would be complete. He just wanted to resign and slink away to someplace dark and quiet. Since he didn’t feel ready to go back to his apartment yet, maybe he’d just get a hotel room or something and put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door. 

“Now that we’ve got that settled, I would like an explanation,” Jed told him. 

Everyone focused their eyes on Josh. Now that he was hung-over, but sober and was being given a soapbox, Josh didn’t really know what to say. “An explanation, sir?” 

“Yes, Josh, an explanation,” Jed repeated. 

“Mr. President, it’s still a little fuzzy, but if I remember right, I wrote a letter...” 

“Yes, we found it on your desk and I read it,” Jed told him. 

“Oh...you did. Well, I think it pretty well, explains everything,” Josh told him. 

“Not really,” Jed replied. “It says you want to quit but beyond that it doesn’t actually explain much at all.” 

“I want to resign, what more is there to explain?” Josh asked him. 

“Why?” 

“I told you why...I don’t think that I can represent the admin...” 

“Cut the crap, Josh,” Jed told him sternly. “This is not the Press you’re talking to...we’re your friends...in fact I’d like to think we’re family...and I think we deserve to know why.” 

Josh searched each face in the room and each of them said the same thing...they were waiting for him to explain. “I...I don’t know how...to put it into words.” 

“Give it a shot anyway,” Jed urged him. 

Josh’s heart was beating hard and fast now and his stomach went queasy again, but he knew it wasn’t from the hangover. “I...I don’t want...to screw things up for the administration.” 

“Well, now there’s a truly stupid reason. Josh, have you slept through the last three years? We’ve all screwed up. I had M.S. and concealed it, Leo’s an alcoholic, Sam slept with a call girl, Toby and Ann Stark, you and Mary Marsh...we’ve all done things that we’re not proud of or that we got kicked around for. Hell, I count it as a good day if I can go to bed and we HAVEN’T screwed something up!” 

Josh was quiet for a moment. “I just don’t want to screw up...any more,” he told them softly. 

Jed could hear the pain in his voice and he sighed. “Josh...you’re going to screw up...we’re all going to screw up. It’s part of human nature and it’s definitely part of living and working in this building and fish bowl of a town where every failure and misstep is splashed across every front page and is talked about on every radio and TV news station,” Jed commented. 

“Yes, sir,” Josh conceded. 

“And while I believe you when you say you don’t want to screw up anymore, I know you’re talking about work, but I think that’s only part of it.” 

“What do you mean, sir?” Josh asked with a frown. 

Jed sighed and looked at the assembled group. “You know, you guys don’t give me enough credit. Sometimes I think you see me as the dauphin sitting in my oval, ivory tower or like some Dickens’s character asking “More please,” he chided them. There was no heat or anger in his voice...more like amusement. 

They looked like they were going to start disagreeing with him and he pressed on before they could say anything. “I may not have the best memory, but I have great powers of observation and deductive reasoning and even if I didn’t have that, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI and the 82nd Airborne all work for me and if need be I could get THEM to tell me what was going on.” 

“You’re just drunk with power aren’t you Jed?” Abbey put in. She knew he wasn’t mad, but attempting to circle a point. 

“What I’m getting at...Madame Dauphin,” he said pointedly at her, then he turned back to Josh. “Is that I notice things and what I’m noticing now is that yes, you’re worried about screwing up at work, which is good because it will make you a little more careful in the future, but like I said before, it’s really not what you’re running from. You’re running from Donna and anything that reminds you of her...and for you, this place is chocked to the brim of memories of her and you’re scared that if she’s not here or in your life you can’t do the job.” 

“No, I...” Josh began. 

“Don’t try and deny it Josh. You’re in love with her, plain and simple and breaking up with her has shaken your confidence. This morning you said that Donna had loved you for a long time. That was no big surprise to me, I knew that even before this thing at the courthouse, just like I knew you loved her.” 

Josh blinked in surprise. “But even I didn’t know that, sir,” he sputtered. 

“Well, like I said, my powers of deductive reasoning are better than yours. Plus you’ve got a finely honed ability to deny things. I swear Josh sometimes you could sell tickets on ‘Josh Lyman’s Barge Trips Down the River of DE-NIAL’.” He paused. “Do you still want to deny it?” 

“No, sir,” Josh said quietly. 

“Good, now we’re getting somewhere,” Jed remarked. “So is that it? You wanted to resign because you don’t want to screw up at work and you don’t think you can do it without Donna?” 

Josh let out a tired sigh. “Yes, sir.” 

“Excellent...in that case, I go back to my original statement and I’ll let you know when I want you to resign.” He waited for Josh to argue, but he remained silent and he softened his tone a bit. 

“Josh, we know you’ve had a hard few weeks, but it’s time to get up off the mat...break’s over.” He gave Josh a hard look. “Okay, this is how things are going to be...tonight you’ll stay here in the residence under Abbey’s watchful eye.” Then he glanced at his wife. “Abbey I believe you have something to add?” 

“Josh, I think you broke at least one bone in your hand, so tomorrow Sam is going to take you to your doctor and see that you get it x-rayed.” 

Then Leo piped in. “And when you get back from that, you’re going to sit with Stanley for a while until he’s reasonably sure you won’t be punching any more walls or trashing any more offices. Over the next few days you’ll also be putting your office back together.” 

Then it was Sam’s turn. “Since your apartment is pretty crowded with Don...with her things right now, I thought you could stay with me for a few days until you get started on the President’s project.” He paused. “So after you get done with Stanley, I’ll take you to your apartment where you can pack some things.” 

“The President’s project...?” Josh asked in confusion. 

Jed picked up the thread from there. “Leo has been talking to Bruno and they feel, and I agree, that it’s very important for someone to go out on the campaign trail and oversee the campaign offices...make sure they’re running smoothly and representing us well.” He paused. “And you’re just the guy to do it, Josh.” 

“For how long?” 

“A couple months,” Leo replied. 

“A couple months?!” Josh said in surprise. 

“I think a change of scenery would do you some good at this point, Josh,” the President replied. 

“But what about my regular duties?” 

“Your staff and Toby will temporarily absorb what they can, Sam will take point with the gun bill, and you can coordinate with your assistant...what’s him name?” 

“Alan...” Josh supplied. 

Jed nodded. “You can coordinate with Alan, who Sam tells me is a fairly bright, capable young man when you’re not yelling at him, on all the other things that might come up.” He looked at Josh for a moment. 

“Josh, I want you know that I’m not giving you this project as a punishment or a banishment...I need someone to do this who knows his way around a campaign and isn’t afraid to bust some heads. That’s also exactly what CJ will tell the Press.” He paused. “Do I have the right guy?” 

“I serve at the pleasure of the President,” Josh remarked. 

“Damn straight and don’t you forget it,” Jed told him. 

“I won’t, sir.” He paused and frowned as a very worrisome problem occurred to him. “Sir...there is one other thing.” 

“What’s that?” Jed asked. 

“What about Donna?” 

Jed was glad to hear Josh’s concern for her. This plan just might work after all. 

“Ah, yes, Donna. Sam and Toby tell me that you retain her medical power of attorney.” 

“That’s right, sir.” 

“And that you’ve already set up everything from her hospital stay to her stay at the rehab facility?” 

“Yes, sir. But she’ll only have her in-facility rehab for about two weeks.” 

“TWO WEEKS?!!” Abbey put in suddenly. “Why the hell is it only two weeks? It will take longer than that for her to start walking again.” 

“I know...it’s her insurance,” Josh explained. “Her doctors and I have talked to them until we were blue in the face and they wouldn’t budge. Their rationale was that she’s doing too well. They’ll do a year of out-patient physical therapy but only 2 to 3 weeks of in-facility rehab.” 

“That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard!” 

“Abbey please,” Jed broke in. “It sounds like Josh has done everything he can on that, so let’s just focus on the problem at hand.” 

“Seriously, Jed, we really need to do something about health care,” she said. 

“Yes, Abbey, I know. I’ve been telling Congress that for 3 years, but they’ve been terribly hard of hearing. Now, if I may, back to the matter at hand...” Abbey remained silent, so he continued. “Where were you going to have Donna live after her in-facility rehab?” Sam had already given him the answer but he wanted to hear Josh say it. 

“Well, I was...I was going to have her stay with me, sir,” Josh answered. 

“And how do you feel about her staying at your place now?” 

He considered that for about 2 seconds before answering. “I’d like it if she could still do it,” he said, not caring about how hard it might be for him if she lived there. If there was one thing he was not going to screw up it was her rehab. “But she can’t stay at my place by herself and if I’m on the road...” 

“Sam told me you hired a nurse to stay with her.” 

“I did but only during the day. She would need someone there at night too.” 

“Hmmm, I see. Is there anyone you can think of who could do it?” 

Josh scanned the assembled group. “Well, I doubt anyone here would have the time.” 

“No,” Jed considered that. “I don’t suppose so.” 

“What about Donna’s parents?” CJ suggested. “Would they be able to do it?” 

Josh sighed I don’t think so. “They have a less than stellar relationship with Donna.” 

“I agree,” Abbey said. “Donna needs someone nurturing and supportive during her rehab, from what Donna told me of her parents, they wouldn’t really fit that bill and that’s IF they would be willing, which I’m guessing they wouldn’t.” 

CJ’s suggestion had given Josh an idea. “I think I know who could do it.” 

“Who?” Jed asked. 

“My mother,” Josh replied. “She and Donna get along famously anyway and my mom has nurturing down to a science.” 

“That’s a great idea,” Leo said as he nodded in agreement. “I bet Sarah would love to come and stay with Donna.” 

“Do you think she’d do it, Josh?” Jed asked. 

“I think so, I’ll call her first thing in the morning and ask her.” 

“Great,” Jed said with a little satisfied clap of his hands. 

“Josh?” Abbey piped in. 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“There’s one more thing I think you should do before you leave to go out on the road.” 

“What’s that, Mrs. Bartlet?” Josh asked. 

“Donna’s going to need all the love and support she can get over the next few months and right now, with things between you being so unsettled, I’m sure she’s feeling pretty insecure and scared about her future.” She paused. 

“So before you go, I think you should go over and talk to her.” She saw the deer-in-the-headlights look on Josh’s face. “I’m not saying you have to fix anything or make a big thing out of it. Just go as a friend, Josh. Tell her you’re still her friend, but you’re leaving to do this thing for the President and you’ll still be there for her and let her know that she has a place to stay when she gets out of rehab. I’m just trying to say that you shouldn’t leave things up in the air with her.” 

Josh knew she was right and nodded. “Okay, Mrs. Bartlet, I will.” 

Things broke up soon after that. Sam and Toby took Josh with them to make sure that he made it back up to his room and Leo and CJ went back downstairs to finish up some work. 

Abbey sipped at the last of her tea. “So now that we’re alone, would you like to tell me how sending Josh on the road for 2 months is going to get them back together?” 

Jed leaned back against the desk. “No, I don’t think I will, my petite fromage.” 

“Oh, God, Jed, you know I hate it when you call me your ‘little cheese’,” she replied. 

He smirked at her. “Yes, and you know I hate it when you call me ‘Jethro’ so what’s your point?” 

Abbey sighed. “Are you going to tell me your plan or not?” 

“Nope. ‘Cause if I do, you will just use it as another opportunity to mock me and my plan.” 

“Well, a girl can never have enough chances to mock you, Jed,” she said in a teasing and slightly seductive voice as she rose from the chair and walked over to him. 

“Okay,” she said. Leaning forward, she gave him a rather heated kiss that she hoped would give him all kinds of interesting ideas for later. When she broke off the kiss, she patted him on the shoulder and left him with a parting thought as she headed for the door. 

“Well, all I can say is I hope your plan works, because if you mess this up, I’m going to make you pay for it,” she said with a little grin in her voice. 

“You know, the Secret Service might call that a threat,” he called after her teasingly. 

Without breaking her stride, she walked out of the study and into the hallway. “Yeah? Well, I call it incentive!” 


	34. Trial by Fire 33

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 33**

Donna sat quietly in the wheelchair at her usual place by the window. She’d decided that it was her favorite place to sit now...at least in the hospital that is. When she sat by the window she could feel a little more normal. Sometimes, late in the day if the weather was clear, she could even feel the warmth of the setting sun on her face as it came through the window. Sitting by the window was only one step up from being confined to bed, but, she felt, an important step. 

Sitting up also made her feel more confident and since Stanley should be along any minute for their session, she wanted to be sitting up when he arrived. Originally, she’d been scheduled to meet with him 3 days ago, but because of her stint in the ICU they’d obviously had to push it back a few days. 

The experience of her second stint in the ICU had been a bit surreal. She had no memory of the night they’d found her comatose with a high fever and had to move her to the ICU. She also had no memory of the two and half days she’d laid there mostly unconscious and incoherent as her body had struggled with the infection that had ravaged her system. 

Once she’d been coherent enough to take it all in, they’d taken her out of traction and Dr. Scott had explained how she’d landed in the ICU and how her condition was progressing. Although she would continue on her new antibiotics for some time and she tired really easily, the symptoms of her infection had quickly faded as her body began to get control of the infection and the abdominal CT and other tests they’d run revealed that the infection had thankfully caused no permanent damage to her kidneys. 

Ever since then, things had fallen into a steady routine for Donna. First in the ICU and then when she’d been moved back to her regular room, she‘d had at least 2 visitors every day. Usually one late in the morning or lunchtime after her reinstated ‘boot camp’ and the other one around dinner. The one around dinner was usually Toby. Because they’d removed her urinary catheter yesterday and again allowed her to start back on liquids, Toby had once again started bringing her the matzo ball broth she loved so much. 

Not one for a lot of meaningless small talk, often Toby would come in and take a few moments to ask her how she was doing and then sit down, prop his feet on the end of her bed and simply watch TV with her. More often than not, he’d stay until the nurses came in at the end of visiting hours to get her ready for bed. She found his quiet, steady visits to be some of the most comforting. 

Of course, the one person that she wanted to visit the most was absent, but she had to shoulder the blame for that all on her own. She knew that Josh would be there in a second if she’d voiced that out loud...at least she thought he would be there. She wondered if he’d gotten tired of waiting for her yet or angry enough that she’d pushed him away. She sighed...she didn’t have the right to wonder that anymore. 

It didn’t make her miss him any less though. The acute, stabbing pain she’d experienced during the first week after she’d sent Josh away had dulled slightly, but only slightly, until it was only a deep ache lurking like a shadow over her heart and her spirit. 

“I don’t know, Donna, that sounded like a pretty heavy sigh to me,” a familiar voice came from the doorway. 

Donna turned her head to greet her visitor. “Hi, Stanley,” she said with a soft smile. 

Closing the door behind him, he walked over to the end of her bed. “How are you?” 

“I’m fi...” She was going to say ‘fine,’ but she knew that he’d see it as a pat answer and just ask her to elaborate. “I’m better,” she told him honestly. 

“Good,” he said, smiling back at her. “I understand you had a pretty rough week.” Donna had told Dr. Scott he could give Stanley her medical information. 

“Well, I don’t remember half of it, but the rest of it was fairly unpleasant. I did not enjoy having a kidney infection.” 

“No, I don’t imagine that you did.” 

“Stanley, would it be all right if we had our session over here? I mean rather than with me in bed? I like sitting by the window.” 

“Sure,” he said with a shrug. “No, problem at all.” Setting his briefcase on the end of her bed, he pulled a chair over and sat down across from her. “But I have a question for you.” 

Donna didn’t know if she should be worried or not. “Of course, what is it?” 

“Well...to be honest, I stood in the doorway for a minute when I got here and I saw you looking out the window so intently and I wondered...what do you see when you look out the window?” 

Not realizing where he could be going with the question, Donna frowned a little and looked back out the window at the view. A view that, given all the time she spent looking out the window, she’d spent very little time actually seeing. 

“Well, I see the Potomac and Roosevelt Island and Arlington...” she began. 

“No, Donna...” Stanley said. “What do you SEE?” 

She blinked at him and realized that he’d figured out that she wasn’t actually seeing much of the view when she looked out the window. There was something very liberating about being able to tell Stanley anything because she knew that he couldn’t tell anyone else. Then again, she observed, that was the whole point of confidentiality. 

Donna smiled a little sadly. “Not much. I guess I’m thinking more than I’m seeing.” 

He cocked his head a bit. “Thinking about what?” 

She looked down at her hands which were resting in her lap. “Josh mostly.” 

“Oh...? What about Josh?’ he asked. 

“I miss him.” 

“He misses you, too,” Stanley replied simply. 

Donna perked up. “He told you that?” 

“He didn’t have to. It was written all over him.” ‘ 

‘Truer words were never spoken,’ Stanley thought. When he met with Josh after the office trashing incident, the only way it could have been more obvious was if Josh had gotten it tattooed on his forehead. 

“Have you seen him recently?” Donna asked hopefully. 

“Donna, we’re here to talk about you, not Josh.” Although Stanley was well aware that the two of them were inextricably linked. 

“Please, Stanley...just tell me...I need to know...” she pleaded. “How is he? How did he look? Did he look like he’s been eating?” 

She’d avoided asking the questions of her regular visitors, but she’d been hungry for new of Josh and Stanley seemed the perfect one to give it to her. 

Stanley sighed. “Okay, but then we’re getting back to you.” 

Donna nodded in agreement. “All right.” 

“Well, I saw him a couple days ago and he looked like...Josh, I guess...he looked fine.” Stanley didn’t mention the ace bandage on the hand that Josh had broken in two places. “As for the eating he didn’t look emaciated or anything if that’s what you mean.” 

“Oh, okay,” Donna said with what she hoped was a convincing smile. As much as she’d been looking for news of Josh, Stanley’s tidbits had left her wanting even more. “Did he say anything about me...” 

“Donna...” Stanley gently warned her. “Now didn’t you promise that we could move on if I answered your questions?” 

“Yes, sorry,” she replied, trying not to feel horribly disappointed. 

“No problem,” he told her. “I’m just trying to keep things on track.” 

“Um, Stanley...can I make a request...for something to talk about I mean?” she asked as he opened his briefcase and began to take some things out. 

He looked at her for a moment. “Well, I do have a couple of things I want us to get to today, but sure, if there’s something on your mind we can talk about that too. So...what did you want to talk about?” 

“Well...” Donna hesitated. This had seemed like a good idea when she’d started it, an extension of her Josh questions but now she felt a little stupid. “This is going to sound a little like a question out of a Danielle Steele book, but...” her voice trailed off as she gave some serious thought to telling him to never mind. 

“That’s all right...go ahead, Donna,” Stanley nudged. 

“Can we talk about...love?” 

Stanley sighed a bit and smiled. “Love’s a pretty big subject. You want to narrow it down for me? Are we talking the philosophical aspects of love? Because that’s going to take a lot more than one session with me to cover. Or are we talking about the realities of love for you specifically?” 

“For me,” she answered. “I just want to talk about some questions I have about what’s going on with me and Josh.” Since they’d talked about it during their last session, she knew that Stanley was well aware of her new relationship with Josh. “I know you said no more talk about Josh, but this is about ME and Josh so I thought that might be okay.” 

“It is,” Stanley answered. He had a sudden feeling of deja vu from his conversation with Josh a couple of days ago. Josh had told Stanley all about Donna’s delirious confessions in the ICU and how deeply they had affected him. How much he loved her and how badly it had torn him apart to learn that she was scared he would hurt her. 

“Well...” she began. “Do you think it’s noble to sacrifice love to try and save someone? Or even to try and save yourself?” 

“And by the someone, I assume you’re referring to Josh?” 

“Yes,” she replied softly. 

“Save in what way? Are we talking emotionally or physically or what?” 

“Emotionally,” she replied. 

“Okay...save him from what emotionally?” he asked. He knew what she was talking about, but only because of what Josh had told him, so he had to phrase things a bit carefully. 

“From being hurt, I guess.” 

“Hmmm...that’s a tough one,” he said. “There’s a lot of things that would have to go into my answer,” he said. “First of all there is a certain amount of sacrifice in any relationship. When your life is intertwined with someone else’s there’s no longer just yourself to think about, there’s the other person.” He paused. “ But I don’t think that’s quite what you’re referring to.” 

“No, it’s not,” she admitted. “I was thinking more along the lines of if you’re already in a relationship but you see trouble may be coming down the road and you think it’s better to kind of break things off now because you’ll be happier down the road.” 

“Well, since we’re talking about Josh...I assume you don’t mean trouble as in physical or emotional abuse?” Stanley asked, trying to draw her out. 

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” she insisted quickly. “Josh would never hurt me like that. I just mean...what if you think someone might let you down or you’ll let them down?” 

“Ah, yes. now I see,” he said, although he’d seen a long time ago. “Tell you what...let’s back-up just a second and instead of talking in abstraction, let’s call a spade a spade,” he said bluntly. “What you’re really asking is what I think about YOUR fear that JOSH might hurt you or let you down or that you might do the same to him. Right?” 

She sighed. “Right.” 

“And you’re also asking what I think about you using that fear as justification for sacrificing your relationship with him as a way to protect both of you.” 

“Right again,” she said quietly. When he put it like that it sounded kind of stupid, but it was still how she felt. 

It was Stanley’s turn to sigh. She and Josh were quite the pair. From what he’d seen, both of them were going to be incomplete without the other. They could survive apart, but they’d never be all they could be without each other. 

“Donna, I can’t tell you how or why to feel. You feel what you feel,” he told her. “But if you want my opinion, I think that you’re cheating yourself...and Josh, out of the possibility of a happy life.” 

“I’m just scared,” she said quietly. 

“Scared of being hurt by Josh?” he restated from the earlier part of their conversation. 

“Yes, but more than that. I’m afraid of getting involved with him and then having him break up with me when he finds something else...someone else, he likes better.” 

“Being scared is okay, Donna, in fact being scared is normal, but you’re admitting failure before you’ve hardly even begun and what’s more, you’re selling yourself short.” He paused and smiled softly. “And I’ve got to tell you, in all honesty, from what I’ve seen, Josh isn’t going to find someone else he likes better.” 

“Really?” she said blinking a bit in surprise. “Why do you say that?” 

“Just the way he talks about you.” He raised his hand before she could say anything. “You know I can’t be more specific than that. Anything more specific would be breaking my confidentiality with him.” 

Donna nodded grudgingly. “I know.” 

He looked at her for a moment. “You know, Donna. Not all heroes get their names in the paper. There are everyday heroes who get no recognition. It all goes back to what we were saying about courage and doing something in SPITE of being scared.” He paused. 

“A lot of people think love is cupids and kisses and hearts and flowers and sex, but as great as those things are, they’re only part of it. Ultimately, love is give and take. It’s everyday things like paying the bills, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, raising your kids, taking out the trash, putting gas in your spouse’s car so they won’t run out on a stormy night, taking each other to the doctor and taking care of each other when you’re sick. It’s fighting and laughing and talking and learning...it’s growing old and hoping you grow together more than you grow apart.” 

Donna felt tears swim in her eyes. She wanted all those things with Josh, but her fear was still gnawing at her. “I know,” she said with a sniff. “I...it’s just hard.” 

“Well, Donna,” he said with a sigh. “The things that make life worth living, including love, usually are.” He handed her a tissue. “I don’t expect you to change your mind in an instant. I know there are a lot of things going on inside you right now...a lot of things to consider.” He paused. “But just promise me you’ll think about what I said and how much I know Josh loves you.” 

She dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose. “I will think about it, I promise.” 

“Good,” he said with a smile. “Now, do you need a break?” 

“No,” she said with a final sniff. “I’m okay. Let’s keep going. You said there was something you wanted us to cover today?” 

“Yeah,” he said. “Are you sure you don’t need a drink of water or anything?” 

“No, I’m good.” 

“All right.” He let out a breath. “What I wanted to talk about was something that I intentionally didn’t go into the last time we met.” 

“What’s that?” she asked. 

“Any anger you might be feeling after the shooting,” he said. “I thought it might be helpful if you had a little time to reflect on what we talked about in our last session and I know that anger can start to develop as the emotional numbness of a trauma wears off.” 

“Okay,” Donna replied, not knowing quite what else to say. 

“So...are you angry about the shooting?” he asked. “...Or anything else for that matter?” 

“Well...” she began. “We already talked about the frustration with my injuries and my guilt over involving Josh and Sam in the courthouse thing and my self-pity over my injuries...” 

“Right,” Stanley agreed. “But that was frustration, guilt and self-pity. Now we’re talking about good old fashioned anger. So again, are you angry?” 

“I guess I am,” she said with a little shrug. 

“You guess?” 

“Well, I mean...I think I am. I guess I should be mad, but I don’t think I’ve really gotten around to feeling it or...I don’t know, processing it.” 

“When you say you haven’t ‘really gotten around to feeling it’...does that mean you've felt it a little bit?” 

“Well...yes, there have been...moments...brief moments when I’ve felt...angry.” She paused. “Sometimes I want to be angry...I want to be SO angry and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not supposed to get upset and I can barely lift my arms much less be able to throw something.” 

Stanley nodded. “Well, if I asked you who you were theoretically angry with...what would you say? Take your time...think about it. 

“Who am I angry with? But Stanley, I just told you I haven’t really been able...” 

“I know what you said...and that’s what I’m trying to get you to do now,” Stanley told her. “I’m trying to get you to think about it. Although right, now it sounds more like you’d rather argue with me.” 

“No, I don’t want to argue, I just don’t know what you want me to say,” she shot back. 

He sighed. “Donna, there’s no right or wrong answer to this. I just want you to take a moment and think about who you might be angry with...” He hoped he was goading her into beginning to process the anger. Letting go of it would help both her physical and emotional recovery. 

“Besides you, you mean?” she said. 

“Well, that goes without saying,” Stanley replied easily. “But I’m okay with you being mad at me.” 

With a little annoyed sigh, she sat there and thought about it. “Myself?” 

“Donna this is not my therapy session, it’s yours. Don’t ask me, tell me. Who are you mad at?” 

“Myself.” 

“Why yourself?” He knew why but wanted to hear her say it. 

“Well, I was the one who went and got herself shot,” she replied. 

Stanley nodded. “When you tried to save the deputy, did you think you’d get shot?” 

“Obviously Stanley, I wasn’t THINKING at all,” she said with an unexpected burst of anger. 

‘Now we’re getting down to it,’ he thought. “You didn’t answer my question, Donna. DID you think you’d get shot?” 

“No, Stanley! I DIDN’T think I’d get shot!” she said. “I just wanted to save the deputy. But I NEVER think things through. I never look before I leap.” Slowly, she raised her hand to rub her face. “I mean, God, how stupid was I to get myself shot?! And what a fucking lot of good it did...he STILL got shot.” 

Stanley looked at her for a minute. “So do you think that if you’d known you were going to get shot, you still would have tried to save the deputy?” 

“I don’t know...” 

“Yes, you do.” 

“Okay! Yes, I do,” she snapped. “YES, I would have still tried to save him! And isn’t that brilliant?!” she said with a mirthless laugh. “I’d make the same mistake twice.” 

“Who said it was a mistake?” Stanley countered. “I didn’t say it was a mistake.” 

“What would you call it then?” she shot back. 

“Noble.” 

His comment left her speechless for a moment. “You think that what I did was noble?” 

“Sure, you tried to save someone without regard to your own safety. Sounds pretty noble to me. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say you were a hero.” 

“No...” she said with a quiet, almost painful, firmness. “I was not a hero. Those deputies were heroes, I was just...” her voice trailed off. 

“What?” Stanley pressed. 

“In the wrong place at the right time.” 

Stanley nodded. “Most heroes would tell you the same thing.” 

“That makes me feel sooo much better,” Donna mumbled. 

“Do you know the definition of hero, Donna?” Stanley asked. When she didn’t say anything he answered his own question. “A hero is a person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life.” He paused. “That sounds like what you did to me.” 

“But I wasn’t courageous,” she insisted. “I was scared...we all were.” 

“Being courageous and scared are not mutually exclusive. You can have both, in fact most people who did something courageous will tell you they WERE scared. Having courage doesn’t mean you have no fear...having courage usually means doing something in spite of your fear.” 

She considered his words. It was hard to argue with him, but... “I still don’t feel heroic or courageous, Stanley,” she said quietly. 

“Well, Donna, that’s because you’re humble too.” He paused for a moment. “But I’d like you to try and not think of your attempt to save the deputy as a mistake...you diminish yourself and you diminish him and the ultimate sacrifice he made with his life.” 

“Okay...I’ll try,” she told him. 

“So let’s see...we’ve got anger at yourself...” Stanley began. “Is there anyone else you’re mad at?” 

“The gunmen, I guess.” 

“Okay,” he said with a nod. “Why are you mad at them?” 

“If you don’t mind me saying, Stanley, that’s kind of stupid question, don’t you think?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t mind you saying it’s stupid, I can live with that. But I’d still like you to answer it.” 

Donna sighed. “Okay, I’m mad because they came in and they threatened us and they shot the deputies and they shot me and they...and they...and they...” her voice trailed off. 

“And they...?” he prompted. 

She swallowed the words burning in her throat. “They...they could have killed him... killed Josh,” she said with fresh tears in her eyes. “I’m not one to wish bad things on people, Stanley, but for that alone I’m glad they’re dead.” 

Stanley handed her another tissue. “That’s understandable. What they did or could have done was pretty terrible.” 

“Did you know...did he tell you...that he was shot in the courtroom?” 

“Josh?” She nodded. “Well, I first saw it in the report Sam put together on the shooting, but, yes, Josh did mention it to me, too.” 

“Idiot got shot trying to protect me,” she grumbled. 

“Are you mad at Josh for trying to protect you?” Stanley asked. 

“No, I...” she began, trying to deny it. “Okay...yes. I mean, doesn’t he know how important he is?!” she demanded. 

“Well, I imagine he thought the same thing about you,” Stanley told her. 

His words found their mark and for a moment, her heart swelled with love for Josh before the anger came rushing back. “I know, but...but...he’s already been shot once, he’s not a cat...he doesn’t have 9 lives or anything!” 

“No, I don’t suppose he does,” Stanley agreed.” 

“He promised me...Stanley! He promised me he would remember to duck...that when the shooting started he would do everything to save himself and not worry about me!” 

“I guess that was just one promise he didn’t feel he could keep.” Stanley was quiet for a moment. “You weren’t the only hero in the courtroom that day, Donna.” 

His words brought on a fresh round of tears. “I didn’t need what happened in the courtroom to show me he was a hero,” she told him. “He’s always been my hero. I just...I just wanted him to be a LIVE hero. Is that so much to ask?” she demanded. 

“No, I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but...” he said, then paused. “While you’re busy being mad at him for putting himself in harm’s way, don’t forget that from all accounts he saved your life.” 

“I’d never forget that, Stanley,” she told him earnestly. She let out a breath. “I just wish the big idiot would remember to wear his Superman tights when he does his hero routine,” she said with a smile. 

“I suppose that would give you a little more peace of mind, wouldn’t it?” Stanley smiled too. “Although I have to say, I find the image of Josh wearing tights more than a little disturbing.” 

For a moment, they both had a little laugh over that. 

“So how are you doing, Donna? Feel any better?” he finally asked her. 

As painful as it had been, getting all these things off her chest, things she hadn’t realized had been weighing her down, felt oddly satisfying. 

“Yeah, I do feel better,” she said as she wiped the last of the tears from her eyes. “I feel a little...lighter, I guess.” 

“So....you still mad at me?” he said with a little smile. “It’s okay if you are. My ego is big enough to take it.” 

“Well...” she smiled back. “Not so much anymore...no.” 

“Good. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about before I go?” 

“No, I don’t think so.” 

He started to put his things back in his briefcase. “Okay...well, I think I’d like to see you one more time, but I think we’ll call it a follow-up rather than a regular session.” Closing his briefcase, he folded his hands in his lap. “Dr. Scott tells me that, barring any more complications, you’ll be moving to the rehab hospital next week.” 

“That’s what he told me, too,” she said. 

“Well, I’ve got some appointments with Mr. Yakamoura, so I’ll still be in town then. I’ll drop by the rehab hospital and see how you’re doing.” 

“I’d like that,” she said honestly. 

“Oh, Josh told me, that in addition to physical therapy, the rehab hospital offers therapy to help the patients deal with the emotional and psychological aspects of their rehabilitation. They have both group and individual therapy and I think it might serve you well to participate in both of those. It’s not an order...just a suggestion.” 

“Okay,” Donna said with a nod. 

“Good,” he said with a smile as he stood up. “Because I already asked Josh arrange it.” 

Donna swallowed. “So Josh is still....” she began tentatively, not knowing quite how to put it. 

“Taking care of things?” Stanley answered as he picked up his briefcase and moved the chair he’d been sitting in, back to its original place. 

“Yes.” 

Stanley stood still for a moment and smiled at her. “Yes, Donna, he still loves you very much,” he said quietly. “If you only remember one thing from our session today, I hope it’s that.” 

Donna had to blink back new tears. “I will, Stanley. I promise.” 

********** 

The next day, the weather had gone from sunny to cloudy and cold with rain in the forecast for later in the afternoon. As Josh stood in front of the hospital, he hoped that his talk with Donna was going to go better than the weather was supposed to. 

He was taking Mrs. Bartlet’s advice and had come to talk to Donna. Being afraid that he would upset her, he’d put the visit off for as long as possible, but he was leaving in the morning to start his “project” for the President so he couldn’t wait any longer. Actually he was looking forward to some time away from D.C. while still doing something to serve the President. What he wasn’t looking forward to was being so far away from Donna, but maybe the time would be just what she needed to at least heal them enough to be friends again. 

Josh sighed. He just hoped that his ‘conspiracy’ with Dr. Scott and the nurses was going to work out all right and Donna didn’t derail everything by simply throwing him out of her room right off the bat. Glancing at his watch, he saw that his timing should be just about right if he went up now. So...squaring his shoulders, Josh walked inside and made his way up to her room. 

Stepping off the elevator onto her floor Josh wondered if he looked all right. He had purposefully left his backpack in the car so he’d have his hands free and he’d taken off the ace bandage he’d been wearing on his hand and was wearing gloves instead. Without the bandage his hand hurt more, but the gloves would hide the bruising that he knew she would ask him about and that he wasn’t prepared to answer. Under his arm, he held two soft, warm blankets that he’d swiped from Sam’s apartment, which was where he was still staying. 

He neared the nurses station next to her room and thought it best to check in before he went to see her. 

“Hi, Jane,” he greeted the nurse on duty. 

The young brunette looked up and smiled. “Hey, Josh. She’s all ready for you...but I promise I didn’t say a word about what you were planning.” She paused. “Just remember that Dr. Scott said he doesn’t want her gone any longer than a half hour and be sure you watch you don’t catch her i.v. line on anything.” 

“I promise,” Josh told her. ‘Now just please let her be speaking to me,’ he thought. 

Jane noticed the blankets under his arm. “The blankets are a great idea. If you think you might need more, there’s two extra in the wardrobe.” 

“Thanks, Jane,” he said as he started for her room. As he neared her open door, his steps slowed, but he forced himself to keep walking until he was standing silently in her doorway. 

The sight of her again, healthy now, took his breath away. Even though he’d made a conscious decision to stay away, he’d missed her, but it took actually seeing her again to realize how much. 

Donna was sitting by the window, which according to all his “spies” is where she liked to sit quite a bit now, and she appeared to be reading a magazine. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and there was a light blanket thrown over her lap. 

‘She still looks thin,’ he thought. But he was glad to see didn’t look gaunt and haggard like she had in the ICU. The sunlight coming in the window was dull and grimy from the bad weather, but she still looked beautiful. Her skin still glowed in all its alabaster glory. 

Taking a little breath for courage, he knocked lightly on the door. When her blue eyes lifted from the magazine to meet his, that breath was whisked away again. 

“Josh...” Donna said softly in surprise as she tried to control the sudden rapid beating of her heart. She felt her spirit just drink in the sight of him. Dressed in a charcoal gray wool coat and dark gray leather mittens, he looked amazing and, she noted, more than a little unsure. 

“Hi...I hope it’s okay that I’m here.” He paused there in the doorway. “I know you said that you didn’t want me to come see you...” his voice trailed off. There was no malice or anger or bitterness in his voice, only a touch of hesitation. 

She hated herself for being the one to put the insecurity in his eyes. “I’m sorry that I said that...I was angry,” she told him. “I’m glad you came.” ‘Don’t cry...don’t cry...don’t cry,’ Donna kept telling herself. 

Slowly, almost timidly, he walked further into the room. “Thanks,” he said with a smile. 

They were both quiet for a moment then Donna noticed what he carried under his arm. “What are the blankets for?” she asked. 

“Oh, it’s actually for a surprise for you,” he told her. 

Her throat closed up for a moment and she had to swallow hard before she responded. “For me?” she asked. How could he possibly want to give her a surprise after the way she’d treated him? 

“Yeah. Dr. Scott cleared me to take you on a little outing. I thought you might enjoy a change of scenery and he said it was all right.” 

Touched, Donna smiled. “Josh, are you kidnapping me?” 

It felt good to smile back at her. “No, seriously, I even conspired with the nurses. Weren’t you curious why they put you in a wheelchair with an i.v. rack attached to it rather than a regular one?” 

“Jane told me the others ones were all in use.” 

“Yeah, she lied. It was all part of my master plan.” 

“Oh, no, not the ‘master plan,’ now I’m scared,” she teased. “Next you’ll be drinking from the keg of glory.” 

It felt wonderful to banter with him, even if it was just a little. The only problem was they both seemed to realize they were bantering and kind of acting like old times and it went from being a nice moment to an awkward moment. 

Josh was the first one to recover. “Well, Dr. Scott said I can only have you gone for 30 minutes so we better get a move on,” he said as he came forward with the blankets. “Let me take that for you,” he said, taking the magazine from her and putting it on the bed table sitting near by. 

“After your recent infection, he also said that I have to keep you bundled up,” Josh commented as he walked over to the wardrobe and opened the door. Removing one of the blankets from the top shelf he brought it over and carefully slid it behind her and pulled it around her like a shawl. 

“You heard about the infection I had?” she asked quietly as he continued to cover he up. 

“Yeah, since you’re condition had gotten pretty serious and you were basically unconscious and I hold your medical power of attorney, he kind of had to call me when you went into the ICU,” he explained hoping it sounded casual as he gently bundled her feet and lower legs in another one of the blankets. “I came to see you in the ICU, but you were pretty out of it,” he added softly. 

“I don’t...I’m sorry...” she said having to blink back sudden tears. He’d come to see her? After everything that had happened, he’d still come? “I don’t remember much about being in the ICU until I woke up and started getting better.” 

“Yes, like I said, when I was there you were pretty out of it,” he agreed. 

“Mary said I was a little delirious,” she commented. “Did I say anything...weird?” 

‘Or, you know, did I tell you what a fool I am and how I’ve been pushing you away?’ she added silently. 

He considered just saying, no, but decided to go for at least a little honesty. “No...well, not unless you consider thinking I was the statue of Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial weird.” 

“You’re making that up.” 

“No, I’m not,” he said as he pulled out the last blanket. “Cross my heart. You kept asking me if I...and by ‘I,’ I mean Lincoln, would win in a game of Twister with John Quincy Adams.” 

“Well, that does sound like something I might say,” she commented as he laid the last blanket over her and pulled a knit cap out of his pocket and pulled it gently over the top of her head. “Um...Josh?” 

He stepped back and eyed her critically to make sure there wasn’t some part of her he’d forgotten to cover. “Hmmm?” 

“Where are we going? The North Pole? Because I feel like an Eskimo.” 

He smiled then. “Yeah, you kind of look like one too, but I want to make sure you don’t get a chill.” 

“Okay, but I repeat...where are we going?” 

“It’s a surprise,” he said as he released the brakes on each side of the wheelchair and took the handles in his hands. He was glad he was behind her so she couldn’t see his face, because as his right hand closed around the handle and he gripped it tightly, he grimaced from the pain that shot through his broken hand. It was easier, and less painful, as they built up a little momentum and he pushed her out into the hallway and past the nurses’ station. 

“Have fun!” Jane called with a grin. 

“See, I told you she knew all about it,” Josh said smugly. 

She felt herself getting excited at the prospect of going somewhere...anywhere that was different and that didn’t have to do with therapy or a test or something else that was medically necessary. “Josh...” 

“Yes?” 

“Where are we going?” 

He enjoyed hearing the excited curiosity in her voice. “You’ll see,” he said, pushing the button for the elevator. 

“But Jooooooooosh!” she whined. “I want to know now.” 

He’d missed the playful whine she had sometimes and to hear it now made him smile. “Nope...you’ll see when we get there.” The elevator arrived then and he pushed the wheelchair into it. To further add to her anticipation, Josh maneuvered the wheelchair so she couldn’t see which button he pushed. 

They were the only ones on the elevator and they rode in silence for a moment. 

“That’s a really nice coat, Josh,” Donna finally commented conversationally. “I don’t think I recognize it.” 

“Oh...it’s new,” he replied. “I had to get rid of my brown one.” 

“Why did you have to get rid of it?” she asked, feeling a stab of disappointment. “I liked that coat.” ‘It really brought out your eyes,’ she thought. 

Josh realized that she didn’t remember the fact that he’d covered her with it in the courtroom and it had been covered in her blood. Although it had been dark brown and he could have had it dry cleaned and the stains wouldn’t have shown, the idea of keeping it was just too big a reminder of that day. All his clothes from that day were now part of some landfill. The only thing that had survived were the shoes he’d been wearing. 

Knowing that he couldn’t tell her the truth, he improvised. “I, um...well, I got something all over it and the stain wouldn’t come out.” 

“Well, that’s too bad,” she said in dismay, not thinking to question him further. 

“Yeah, I know...I liked that coat too.” Mostly because he knew it had been Donna’s favorite. 

“So how are things going with the gun bill?” she asked him. 

“Actually, Sam’s been taking point with that. I’ve been busy with some other...projects for the President,” he told her. ‘Like cleaning up my destroyed office and trying not to strangle my assistant Alan who can’t hold a candle to you,’ he added silently. 

She was going to ask ‘what projects’ but just then the elevator dinged, the doors opened and he turned the wheelchair so she could see where he’d taken her. “Oh, Josh...” she said. “Where are we?” 

“We are in the hospital’s rooftop atrium,” he said with a little grin at hearing the wonder in her voice. He was glad it was deserted so they’d have some privacy for their talk. “I found it when I was wandering the halls one morning.” 

‘Or more accurately, after I’d touched Garcia’s dead body and needed some air,’ he amended silently. 

“It’s amazing,” she said looking around at all the plants. 

“Well, I’d hoped it would be sunnier,” he told her. “It’s really warm and beautiful when the sun’s out.” 

Donna’s eyes fell on the door that led out to the small rooftop patio. “Oh, Josh, can we please go outside?” 

“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. It’s cold outside and a little blustery...it might even rain,” he told her. “Maybe if it was sunny, but...” 

Donna looked up at him, her blue eyes begging him. “Please, Josh, you’ve got me wrapped up like I’m going to Antarctica. Just for a few minutes...I want to smell the fresh air again. I’ve been cooped up inside for almost 3 weeks...please? I swear just for 5 minutes.” 

She wasn’t pouting or teasing. Instead, there was just a hint of desperation in her voice that ripped at his heart and he felt himself caving. As if he could deny her anything after all she’d been through. “Okay...but if it starts to rain...” 

“We’ll come right back, I swear,” she promised with a grin. 

“And you can’t tell anyone or they’ll never let me take you out again,” he told her as he pushed her wheelchair over to the door. 

“I promise, I promise.” 

Her excitement was contagious. “Okay.” Opening the door, he used the lever built into the bottom to keep the door open and he pushed her through and out onto the patio, but left the door open so they could head back inside quickly if needed. 

Pushing her wheelchair over to the railing, he turned her so she could see through the metal railing to the view of Georgetown. He was going to ask her if she liked the view, but when he looked down at her, he saw her eyes were closed and there was an almost...sublime look on her face. 

It was like she was high on some really potent drug. She sat there, breathing in slow and deep, her head slightly cocked, a dreamy smile touching her kissable mouth and her face up turned to the sky. ‘Donna in the Sky with Diamonds,’ he thought. Rather than breaking the moment, he just let her be. 

Donna took in another deep lungful of air. It was delicious. “Yes...it is going to rain. You can smell it in the air.” 

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Josh said quietly, happy just to watch her be so content with such a simple thing. The rehab hospital she was going to had some nice grounds and he made a mental note to tell his mother, Sam and Toby, to see that she got outside once in a while. 

Taking one last deep breath she let it out slowly. “Okay, Josh, we can go back inside now.” 

“All right,” he said pushing her back inside and pulling the door closed behind them. He pushed her over to a bench and parked the wheelchair so that he could sit at the end of the bench and still be next to her. 

As Donna watched him settle himself on the bench, she sensed that something was coming, but before they got there, she had to thank him for the wonderful gift he’d just given her. His gloved hand was lying on his knee and she reached out and laid her hand over his. Her arms were getting a little stronger everyday so it wasn’t too much of a challenge. 

Forgetting about his broken hand and wanting to feel her hand in his, Josh automatically slid his hand away from hers and started to pull off his gloves. The twinge that went through his battered hand quickly reminded him why he’d been wearing gloves in the first place. He knew that he couldn’t stop taking them off without arousing her suspicion, so he just made sure that he kept the back of his hand turned away from her as he pulled them rest of the way off. 

Then he carefully laid his hand back on his knee, palm up. He was silently glad that the swelling had gone done a couple days earlier. Then Donna smiled and she put her hand back in his and he forgot all about his broken hand. 

“Thank you, Josh. This was a wonderful surprise,” she said. 

Looking down at the sight of their hands wrapped gently together, he had to swallow the enormous lump in his throat before he could speak. “I...I’m glad you like it,” he said. “I know you were feeling a little cooped up in your room and I thought you might like this.” 

“I do, I love it,” she told him honestly. She didn’t try to pull her hand back. It felt too good to feel the warmth of his skin against hers again. Instead she gave it a squeeze. 

Pain shot through his hand when she grasped it and he wasn’t able to stop himself from flinching. 

Donna frowned. “Josh...? What is it?” 

Josh had hoped to avoid her questions, but he was also done with lying to her. If things were going to go forward with them, even as friends, he felt like honesty was going to be essential. 

“Sorry, my hand has been kind of...sore,” he replied. 

“Sore? Sore how?” 

“It’s sore when I make a fist or bump it against anything. I’ve been wearing an ace bandage on it for the last week, but I took it off because my gloves won’t fit over it,” he explained. 

“A week?! It’s been sore for a week? Here...” With surprising speed, she released his hand and maneuvered her wheelchair around so she was sitting in front of him. “Let me see it.” She didn’t wait for an answer and automatically picked up his hand in both of hers. 

“It’s okay, Donna,” he told her. 

“Oh, Josh...” she exclaimed as she turned it over and saw the bruises that discolored the back of his right hand. “It’s not okay...it looks like you’ve really hurt it. Take me back downstairs right now so Jane can take a look at it.” 

“No, Donna...really, it’s fine,” Josh replied quietly. “Mrs. Bartlet already looked at it and so did my doctor. It will be fine.” 

“What did they say?” 

Josh sighed. “The x-rays showed I broke two bones in my hand.” 

“Broke two bones in your hand?!” she said with a gasp. “Josh! Shouldn’t it be in a cast or a brace or something?” 

“No, they’re just hairline fractures. The ace bandage helps give it some support and keeps me from moving it around too much. They say it will be good as new in another week or two.” 

“How did you hurt it?” 

“I hit it on something,” Josh replied. 

“What do you mean you hit it on something?” she pressed. “What could you have hit it on that you’d break two bones in your hand?” 

Again his first instinct was to try and make up a story, but he was falling back on his vow to be honest with her. “I’m not exactly sure,” he said with a sigh. “I got drunk, and well, you know my sensitive system...apparently I punched a wall or something equally hard...I don’t really remember the details.” 

Donna knew, without a doubt that his actions had something to do with her and what was going on between them. Tears swam in her eyes. “Josh...” she began. “Is this because...because of me...because of what I said that day I found out about Amy?” 

“There were a lot of reasons, Donna,” he told her honestly. “Don’t blame yourself...it wasn’t your fault...it was just me being stupid.” 

“But Josh...” she said as the tears hovered on the edge of her lashes. “I need to know that you’re not going to keep doing things like this. While I’m laid up here I can’t look after you...” she paused. “I need to know that you’re not going to hurt yourself because of me...or because of anything else for that matter.” 

He laid his good hand on her arm. “Donna...it’s not because of you,” he repeated. “I didn’t hurt myself intentionally...it’s not like at Christmas. I got stinking drunk and it was just an accident. I didn’t even know I’d done it until I woke up with my hand hurting like a toothache.” 

“I think you’d better talk to Stanley,” she urged him. 

“I met with him two days ago,” he replied. “He agreed that it was probably an isolated incident and not my PTSD.” 

Donna stared down at where his battered hand rested in her lap. She ran her fingers gently over it. “Josh...why did you drink so much?” she asked softly. 

He watched her touching his hand. “I...I realized how badly I messed us up,” he said honestly. “It was a pretty hard thing for me to swallow...” He smiled grimly. “The Jack Daniels made it go down a little easier I guess...at the time anyway.” 

Again she felt guilty about pushing him away and making him think she’d simply broken up with him over Amy, but too much had happened for her to change things now. She couldn’t just say...’oops, I was stupid and I take it all back.’ 

“Josh...you have to stop putting this on yourself,” she told him. “It wasn’t your fault, it was nobody’s fault,” she said. “It just was...what it was.” The words burned her throat and brought new tears to her eyes. “It just wasn’t meant to be.” 

“But it WAS someone’s fault,” Josh argued. “It was my fault...it was entirely my fault.” 

Donna knew that they could have this argument for next 30 years and still not resolve it. Tenderly she raised his bruised hand and pressed it to her cheek. “I had a part in it too, Josh,” she told him. Slowly, she lowered his hand back into her lap. “So we’re going to have to agree to share the blame for this one...okay?” 

He wanted to continue to argue with her, but he knew she had her reasons and she was trying to comfort him and not hurt him. It didn’t mean the moment hurt any less though. “Okay,” he said quietly. 

They sat silently for a moment before Josh took a deep breath and spoke again. “Well, enough about my hand,” he began. “While I really did bring you up here for the view and the plants and a chance to get out of your room, I did have another reason.” 

“What’s that?” Donna said, a little nervously. She had no idea what he was going to say next. 

“I need to talk to you about a couple things.” 

“Okay,” she told him. 

“Donna, I...I’m going away for a while,” he finally said. 

She was a little stunned...she hadn’t seen that coming at all. “What...what did you say?” 

“I’m going away for a while...a couple months probably.” 

“Why?” she pleaded for an answer...for something that would make sense. “I know things have been strained between us, but you don’t have to leave.” 

He brushed his thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m not leaving because of that.” ‘Or at least NOT ONLY because of that,’ he thought. 

“Then why Josh?” she demanded. “And where are you going?” 

Josh sighed. “Leo, Bruno and the President have asked me to go out and oversee the campaign offices. Make sure they’re running smoothly and don’t need anything.” He paused. “I’ll be going all over the country.” 

‘Well...’ she thought. ‘How can I argue with that?’ Her universe had gotten fairly small and it was easy to forget the little things, you know, like the fact that President Bartlet was running for re-election. 

“Oh, I see,” she said, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice and not doing a very good job. “That’s good, you’ll do well with that,” she said softly. 

She gave a mental sigh...she felt lonely already. Here she thought with Josh coming to see her, they might make a new start, as friends anyway. In her mind, she didn’t deserve to ask for anything more...she’d lost that right when she’d pushed him away. 

“I’m going to miss you,” he said, honestly. 

Donna blinked at that. “Really?” she said with a happy little smile. 

“Of course, I am.” He laid his uninjured hand on top of their already clasped ones. “No matter what has happened between us, I still love you.” She started to speak but he rushed on before she could. “I’m not saying that to pressure you...or guilt you...or whatever. I’m just saying it...because it’s true.” He paused. 

“After the thing with Amy, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not going to lie to you any more, even if it’s a lie of omission. I know that I have to earn back your trust and that’s what I plan to do.” He let out a breath. 

“And I want you to know that if you ever...and I mean, ever, change your mind about...about us, just say the word.” He let out a breath. “In the mean time, I’m your friend and I’m going to be here for you...well, for the next couple of months maybe I won’t be HERE, here, but you get the idea,” he told her with a grin. 

Things warred inside her. Things she should say, but couldn’t. Things she felt, but could not express. The one thing she did know, did understand, and would hold onto was the fact that his words had touched her deeply. 

“I’d like that...” she replied softly. “And Josh...I’m still your friend, too.” 

It warmed him to no end that they seemed to be finding their ground again. He made a mental note to thank Mrs. Bartlet for pushing him to do this. “Good, because I’ve missed having my best friend to talk to,” he said. 

“Me too,” she said trying to hold off tears that were threatening. 

“Oh, since I’m going to be out of town for the next 8 weeks, there’s a couple other things I wanted to tell you.” 

Donna nodded. “Okay.” 

“First of all, I’ll have my cell and my computer with me so you can call or e-mail me whenever you want and Sam will always have my location and specific contact information wherever I am.” 

“All right.” 

“Next...all of your insurance stuff should be taken care of. I called to confirm the arrangements for your transfer to the rehab hospital and since you’ll be getting out of there before I get back, I’ve also made sure that your regular out-patient physical therapy is all arranged when they kick you loose.” 

“Thank you, Josh. I can’t believe how much you’ve helped me with this,” she told him. “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d had to deal with the insurance companies and the hospitals.” 

“Well, I don’t want you to have to worry about anything but getting better and walking again.” He paused. “Now, here’s the last thing...and I hope it’s okay...” A touch of insecurity had re-entered his voice. 

“What is it?” she asked. 

“I still want you to move into my guest room like you planned.” 

She protested. “But Josh, that’s not very fair to you.” 

“How is it not fair to me?” he argued gently. “I won’t be there. It’s not like I have to sleep on the couch or the floor or something. You need a place to stay. Even if you could get around the accessibility issue, you don’t even have your old apartment to fall back on anymore, remember? And I’m guessing you don’t want to have to worry about going apartment shopping during your rehab and physical therapy?” 

“No, I guess not,” she answered. 

He brushed his thumb gently over her wrist. “Donna, you took care of me for 3 months after Rosslyn. Let me do the same for you now.” 

“The offer is really tempting Josh...but you know I can’t stay there by myself while you’re out on the campaign trail,” she pointed out. 

“I know that and I’ve got it covered,” he said proudly. 

She frowned. “What do you mean?” 

“I’ve already got everything with the day nurse set up.” 

“But what about at night?” 

“That’s the other part of my surprise...my mom said she’d come and stay with you for as long as you need her to...she’ll be here in about a week,” he said excitedly. 

“Sarah? Sarah’s coming to stay with me?” Donna asked, getting more excited about it. She and Sarah got along wonderfully and Donna had missed having a mother figure around...or more accurately, a NURTURING mother figure around. 

Josh could see the excitement in Donna’s eyes. “Does that mean you approve of my ‘master plan’?” he asked hopefully. 

“Only if you promise not to call it that again,” she teased him. 

“Deal,” he said with a grin. 

She sobered a bit. “When do you leave to go on the road?” 

He paused a beat. “Tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow...so soon?” she said, trying not to let her heart plummet into her feet. 

“Sorry,” he told her quietly. Now he wished he’d come to see her sooner. 

“Well then... there is one more favor I’d like to ask...” Donna began. 

“Anything,” Josh replied. 

“Can one best friend...ask another best friend for a hug? You know, kind of a ‘one for the road’ kind of thing?” 

Josh smiled at her. “I think your best friend would like that.” 

Although with the wheelchair, Donna’s blankets, her i.v., her brace, and the physical distance between the bench and the wheelchair, it was kind of a challenge and they had to take it slow...eventually they found themselves wrapped around each other in a hug. 

“Thank you, Josh...for everything,” Donna whispered. “And please, be careful when you’re out there roaming around.” Her heart warred with her head over the next thing she wanted to say, but her heart won out. “Please come back to me...” 

He buried his face against her neck and drew in a deep breath, trying to memorize her scent, hoping the memory of it would be enough to get him through the next 2 months. He quickly realized how impossible that idea was. It wouldn’t last him 2 minutes. He would always need her, need the tangible essence of her to get him through the day. 

“I will come back to you...I promise.” 


	35. Trial by Fire 34

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 34**

“Ah....do you smell that, Sarah? That is the smell of freedom,” Donna said taking a deep breath as they wheeled outside. 

“And I imagine it smells pretty sweet to you,” Josh mother’s, Sarah Lyman, replied with a smile as they headed for the car. 

“Well, not quite as sweet as the day Josh took me to the atrium at GW,” she remarked softly as she remembered. “But it’s a close second.” 

Today Donna was leaving the rehab hospital and moving into Josh’s apartment. She’d been at the hospital just over two weeks and Josh had been on the road now for almost three. Although they usually talked once a day on the phone, she missed him terribly and wished he could be there to see her leave the hospital. Without him, it was a bittersweet milestone. 

“Well, I know you must be excited about going home, but we’re sure going to miss you around here,” April told her. As with any patient at any hospital who is discharged, someone from the facility had to escort them out and April, a young nurse, had been chosen for the job. “You certainly have come a long way since you’ve been with us.” 

“I still can’t walk,” Donna replied trying not to be demoralized on such a happy day. 

“No,” April replied. “But your arms have gotten a lot stronger, you have movement in both your legs now, and you can do a lot more things on your own.” 

“Donna,” Sarah chided gently, “The pyramids weren’t built in a day either.” 

“I know, I guess I’m just feeling impatient,” she replied. 

Donna gave a little sigh as she pushed on the wheels of her new wheelchair. It felt a little like she was driving a new car. It was titanium and very light, had no arms and, a low back. Not to mention it had been very expensive. Originally she was going to get a cheaper model because the insurance company wouldn’t fully cover paying for the more expensive one, but Josh wanted her to have the best so he’d insisted she get a better one and he’d talked her into letting him pay what the insurance wouldn’t. She’d picked a manual wheelchair rather than an electric one to help build up her arm strength. 

A few minutes later they got to Josh’s car. They were using his because it was bigger than hers, and Donna had him sell hers to help pay for her mounting hospital expenses. Ruth opened the front passenger door and stood back. 

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” Sarah asked as Donna maneuvered herself around to get in. 

“No, I can do it.” Donna said cheerfully, although to be honest, she was a little apprehensive. 

Part of her occupational and physical therapy had been learning to get herself from the bed to the wheelchair and from the wheelchair to the bed. Without the tether of the i.v. line that she’d had at GW, Donna picked it up fairly quickly. The process relied heavily on upper body strength and a bit of a pendulum motion of the body. 

Her physical therapist had applied the same principle when they’d tackled getting in and out of the car with a mock-up they had. Donna felt pretty confident getting in and out of bed, but the car was a little trickier. As her arms and upper body strength grew it would be easier, but for now she was still a little worried about falling on her face or twisting or bending wrong and hurting her back further. The back brace she still had to wear helped guard against that, but she still had to pay attention to what she was doing. 

Setting the wheel brakes on the chair, she prepared herself and mentally went through the steps that she needed to follow. Then she took a little breath and shifted herself into the car. No one was more pleased than she was when she managed it with surprising smoothness and it only caused a small twinge in her back, which she was used to. 

“Yea!! Very nice, Donna,” April said with a little clap. 

“Thanks,” Donna replied with a little smile at her small personal victory. As she settled herself in the front seat, Sarah put the lightweight wheelchair and Donna’s purse and two small pieces of luggage into the back seat. 

When Donna was ready, April closed the passenger door and Sarah climbed behind the wheel. With a wave to April, Sarah drove them out of the parking lot and headed for Josh’s apartment in Georgetown. 

Sarah had been in D.C. for the two weeks that Donna had been at the rehab hospital. Planning her visits around Donna’s intensive physical therapy, Sarah had been to see Donna everyday and they’d gotten even closer than they had been before. Although no one could ever take Joanie’s place in her heart, Sarah had come to think of Donna as an adopted daughter. Regardless of how things came out with her and Josh, Sarah hoped she and Donna could stay close. Sarah was even teaching her how to crochet as a way of improving the fine motor control in her hands and arms. 

Sarah knew something was wrong when the car fell quickly into a silence and Donna stared wordlessly out the window as they drove through the streets of D.C. 

“Donna, honey...are you all right?” She asked gently. “You seem awfully quiet.” 

“I’m...” She was going to give her usual answer of ‘fine,’ but Sarah deserved a real answer. Besides, Donna knew that like any good mother she would see right through anything else. “I’m a little scared, Sarah,” she admitted as she continued to stare out the window. 

“Why, Donna? Why are you scared?” Sarah asked with a frown. 

“I’ve been in one kind of hospital or another for nearly 2 months,” Donna pointed out. “Nurses, doctors, therapists, and special equipment...all right nearby, but now...I feel...I guess I feel like I’m suddenly working without a net.” She paused. “Like I’ve been voted off the island and have to fend for myself now.” 

Sarah was quiet for a moment. “You’re not alone, Donna. You may have been voted off the hospital island, but it means you get to come back to the ‘family’ island.” They stopped at a traffic light and Sarah turned to her. “There are a lot of people, including me and my absentee son that will do whatever it takes to help you.” 

Donna felt terrible, she’d been so self-absorbed she hadn’t stopped to think how her words might have sounded. “Oh, Sarah, I’m sorry, that was thoughtless of me,” she said as they drove on. “I didn’t mean it like that...having you here is wonderful. I couldn’t do it without you...or Josh,” she added. 

“Honey, you don’t have to apologize.” Sarah said with a smile as they drove up to the back side of Josh’s building near the handicapped entrance. “And I’m glad you like that I’m here. I’ve been a little worried that you’ve felt like Josh kind of threw us together.” 

“No, Sarah, I don’t feel like that at all. I’ve enjoyed our time together,” she said as Sarah found an open space and parked the car. “In fact...my relationship with you has become...very important to me.” She paused. “And I don’t just mean because of Josh.” 

Sarah turned off the engine and patted Donna’s hand. “I’m glad, Donna, thank you for saying such a sweet thing. You know, I’ve always thought you were very special. Ever since Joshua called and told his father and me about this strange woman he found in his office.” 

Donna smiled. “I guess I did make an interesting first impression on him.” 

Sarah laughed lightly. “Yes, I think you did.” Then she sobered. “I was very glad you were the one that told him about his father. Since I couldn’t be there, you’re the only one I trusted to tell him...to be there with him.” 

“I was glad I could be there, too.” Donna sighed and leaned her head back against the headrest. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.” 

“Well, I think you’re entitled to that once in a while after all you’ve been through...but there will be absolutely no wallowing.” 

Donna smiled. “Okay, no wallowing...I got it.” 

Sarah took Donna’s hand in hers. “Just promise me you’ll try to remember that you’re not alone, honey.” 

She gave Sarah’s hand a squeeze. “I’ll remember.” 

Sarah smiled. “Good...now let’s get you inside.” Climbing out of the car, she came around and opened Donna’s door. While Donna shifted herself around, Sarah pulled the wheelchair out of the backseat and put it where she knew Donna would want it. Just then, the cell phone in Donna’s purse began to ring. 

“Sarah, could you answer that?” Donna said as she checked to make sure the brakes were set on the wheelchair. 

“Of course, honey.” Picking Donna’s purse up off the back seat, Sarah fished the phone out. “Donna’s phone.” 

There was a slight pause and then a familiar chuckle. “Hi, Mom. So when exactly did you become an electronic device?” 

“You know it’s never a good idea to mock your mother, Joshua,” she teased. 

“But you make it so much fun,” he said with a smile in his voice. “Is she there?” 

Donna smiled when she heard Josh’s name. “Tell, him I’ll talk to him in a minute.” 

Sarah nodded to Donna. “You mean you didn’t call to talk to me?” she asked in mock surprise. 

“Oh...well, you see...” he stumbled. 

Sarah laughed. “Relax, Joshua, I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m glad you’re calling to talk to her, Lord knows it’s the only way...” her voice trailed off. She was going to say, ‘I’m going to get you two to give me any grandchildren,’ but she caught herself in time. 

Although she knew that something deeper was going on between them, Josh and Donna had both been closed lipped about it and Sarah knew that all was not as it should be and the subject of their possible romance was strictly off limits. 

“Mom...?” Josh prompted this time with a frown in his voice. 

“Oh, sorry, I was distracted for a minute,” Sarah replied. “I was going to say it’s the only way I’m going to find out what you’re up to. You tell her and then she tells me.” 

“I tell you things,” Josh insisted. 

“Yes, Joshua, you tell me to talk to Donna and as much as I enjoy that, once in a while I’d like to talk to you directly.” 

“If I promise to call and talk to you more, will you let me talk to her now?” Josh asked. 

“She has a name, Joshua,” Sarah chided. She saw Donna grin at the ribbing she was giving Josh. 

“Mooooom,” he whined. “May I please speak to ‘Donna’? They’re going to call my flight pretty soon.” 

Sarah chuckled as she watched Donna. “Of course you can talk to her, but you’ll have to hold your horses a minute, she’s getting out of the car.” 

There was a pause. “By herself?” Josh asked with concern. “Doesn’t she need...I don’t know...someone to help her or something?” 

Sarah watched as Donna pulled herself out of the car and into the wheelchair. It wasn’t quite as smooth as it had been back at the hospital, but she’d done it without any apparent bodily harm. “No, she does just fine on her own,” Sarah said with a grin as Donna settled herself in the wheelchair. 

There was another pause. “I wish I was there,” he said quietly. 

Sarah could hear the sadness and regret in his voice. She longed to ask him what was going on, but knew that it would be stepping into territory where she didn’t belong. “I know you do,” she said. By then, Donna had gotten herself arranged in the chair. “Here she is,” Sarah told him. 

“Thanks, mom,” Josh told her. 

“Be good,” she told him before handing Donna the phone. 

“Sarah I’m going to need both my hands, could you pull out my earphone?” Donna asked as she took the phone from her. “It should be in the same pocket where you found the phone.” Sarah found it and handed it over. Donna slid the ear piece in, plugged it into the phone, and laid the phone in her lap so she’d have her hands free to push the wheels on her chair. “Hey, Josh,” she said warmly. 

“Hey,” he said with equal warmth. “I guess you weren’t kidding when you said you were getting around pretty well.” 

Even though she’d talked to him yesterday, it was wonderful to hear his voice again. “I do my best,” she replied with a smile as Sarah handed Donna her purse and then reached into the back seat of the car for her luggage. 

“I’m very proud of you,” Josh said softly. 

Donna felt herself blush, his praise meant everything to her. “Thank you, Josh,” she said softly. 

“I’m sorry I can’t be there to see it.” 

She heard the genuine emotion in his voice and she had to blink back sudden tears. Her next words flowed out before she could stop them. “You’re always here, Josh...in my thoughts...in my heart...you’re here.” 

A quiet fell between them and Donna could have sworn she heard him sniff. “Josh...?” 

He cleared his throat. “It means a lot to hear you say that, Donna.” 

Donna knew that if she said anything more, not only would she be crossing the ‘friend’ zone more than she already had, but they’d probably both start crying, so she decided to move to something safer. 

“So, where are you now?” she asked as she and Sarah headed inside the building. 

Josh let out a breath and a little laugh. “I couldn’t honestly tell you right now. I’m in an airport, but I’ve been to so many places that...um...” Donna guessed that Josh was looking around. “Oh, that’s right, I’m in Colorado...the Denver airport to be exact.” 

“And where are they sending you next?” she replied as they reached the elevator and Sarah pressed the button to call the car. 

“I’m headed to Seattle next,” he told her. “I’m sorry it took me so long to call. I meant to call you earlier, but the President called and he and Leo wanted to talk about some things.” 

“No problem. I’ve had kind of a busy morning with packing up and being discharged, so your timing was great,” she replied. 

“How does freedom taste?” he asked with a smile in his voice. 

“Amazing,” she said happily as she and Sarah entered the elevator. “I do have to admit that I’m still waiting for them to come and say, ‘oh, sorry, we made a mistake...it was ‘DON Moss’ we meant to discharge’.” 

Josh laughed at that. “No chance of that, you wowed them at the hospital. I think they want to make you the success story - poster girl.” 

Donna smiled softly as she and Sarah rode up to the third floor. “And just how do you know that, Joshua? Have you been checking up on me?” 

“I have my spies,” he said. “Plus I’ve been talking to your doctors to make sure they’re doing right by you.” 

The thought that he was still looking after her, even from, well, wherever he happened to be touched her deeply. “Really?” 

“Of course, that’s what us guardian angels do,” he told her softly. 

The elevator reached the right floor and the doors opened. Sarah stepped out and held the doors open for her, but Donna just sat there still trying to process how much Josh continued to look out for her. “And you do it well,” she said softly as she blinked back new tears. 

“Are you home yet?” Josh asked. 

Donna rolled out of the elevator and followed Sarah. “We’re just about there. We just got off the elevator.” On Josh’s end, she heard something being announced and he let out a muttered oath. 

“Damn, I wanted to hear what you thought of the apartment but they just called my flight,” he explained. “I have to go....I’m sorry to cut things short.” 

“No, it’s okay,” she insisted. “I’m glad you called. Have a good flight and I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Okay,” he said with regret. “Take it easy.” 

“I will,” she promised. “Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

Pressing ‘end’ on the phone she looked up at Sarah who was standing in front of Josh’s apartment with her hand on the doorknob. “Josh is at the Denver airport...they were calling his flight to Seattle, so he had to go,” she explained for no particular reason. 

“Oh...” Sarah replied as she unlocked the door. “Well, I’m glad he called.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Donna said with a smile as Sarah opened the door and it occurred to Donna then that the last time she’d seen Josh’s apartment she’d helped him decorate it for his date with Amy. ‘Please don’t let there be any left over tropical decorations still hanging around,’ she thought. 

But she saw that her worries were unfounded when she rolled inside and was rendered speechless by what she saw. 

Seeing Donna’s surprise, Sarah smiled. “Well? What do you think?” 

“What do I think...? Oh, Sarah, it looks wonderful,” she replied. Very little in his apartment looked like it had the last time she’d seen it and there was nothing there to remind her of Josh’s ‘Tahitian Nights’ date with Amy. 

The entry hall and living room had a fresh coat of paint and the hardwood floors gleamed in the mid-morning sun. The large area rug that had covered much of the living room floor and a low coffee table were both gone, and although she always liked the rug and the table, Donna knew that having them gone would make it easier to move her wheelchair around. The two club chairs and couch he’d always had were still there, it looked like all the furniture had been arranged so that there was an aisle wide enough for her wheelchair to get around everything. 

Donna then wheeled herself into the kitchen. It too had a fresh coat of paint and in place of the semi-beaten up round ‘50’s diner’ table, there was a new, beautiful and sturdy natural wood butcher block table that would be perfect for her wheelchair. Not only were the legs on the table set wide enough to accommodate her chair, but it would also be just the right height for her to eat at. 

“What’s that?” Donna asked pointing to a small appliance sitting on the kitchen counter she’d never seen before. 

Sarah smiled. “It’s an electric jar opener. Josh thought it might come in handy, since neither of us will be very adept at opening jars for a while,” she explained. 

Donna nodded. “Very thoughtful.” 

“If you like this, you’re going to love what’s waiting for you in your bedroom and bathroom,” Sarah told her. 

“Really?” Donna said excitedly. Sarah nodded and the two of them went through the living room to the second bedroom and bathroom. 

Originally Josh had tried to get her to stay in his room because it was bigger, but Donna had insisted on staying in his guest room and using the extra bathroom, rather than the one that ran off his bedroom. 

They got to the bathroom first, so Donna peaked inside. It too had been repainted, this time in a light, soothing sage green with white accents and new towels and accessories had been added. Here, presumably to stave off water damage, the floor was done in a smooth, white ceramic tile that matched the trim and accents, rather than the hardwood flooring out in the hall. However, the most startling change in the room had been to the toilet and tub/shower. In addition to a sturdy looking shower chair sitting in the tub, heavy duty rails had been added beside the toilet and in and around the shower. All of which would help Donna get around easier and more independently in the bathroom. 

“Now, I know what you’re thinking...you hope Josh didn’t do the work himself,” Sarah began with a smile. “But you’re in luck, he hired someone to do it. You know my Joshua and power tools aren’t exactly the best of friends and he wanted to make sure it was done right, so he hired a contractor to come in and make the apartment as accessible to you as possible. Oh, and even though he asked me to pick out the towels and accessories, he picked out all the paint colors,” she told Donna. “I’m just glad this is a condo so he could make the changes he wanted. If he’d been in a regular apartment he couldn’t have done most of this.” 

Donna just stared in wonder. “It’s lovely Sarah, you both did a great job.” 

Sarah beamed. “Let’s go see your bedroom.” 

Rolling to the end of the hallway, Donna turned her wheelchair and looked inside. She was overwhelmed by what she saw. “Are you sure this is my room?” she asked. 

“Well, since the apartment only has 2 bedrooms and this isn’t Joshua’s, that would mean this one is yours,” Sarah replied with a smile. “Don’t be scared. Go on in and look, it’s going to be yours from now on.” 

“But...but...the last time I saw this room it was an office storage room,” Donna sputtered. 

“I know, but that wouldn’t have been very comfortable for you, so Joshua emptied it out and had the contractor repaint it and put in hardwood floors to match the living room and hallway. I think he also did it to help you get around easier, but I have to say, he really did a nice job in here, in fact I think it’s my favorite room in the apartment now,” Sarah remarked. “I did the accessories but he picked out the paint color and all the furniture.” 

Tears swam in Donna’s eyes. “Oh, Sarah...” she said on a choked little sob. 

Sarah frowned. “What is it, honey? Don’t you like it? The color’s wrong? What? I’m sure we can change anything you don’t like.” 

Donna swallowed hard. “Don’t you dare...I think it’s the most wonderful bedroom I’ve ever seen.” 

Although Donna remembered it being a dark taupe before, the room was now painted a soft, cheery yellow. As for all the furniture, it was done in natural wood tones that matched the beautiful hardwood floor. Matching nightstands and lamps flanked the bed. To the left of the bed was a small desk, and since there was no closet in the room, at the foot of the bed, was a large wardrobe and dresser and there was a TV/CD combination on top of the dresser. 

The bed itself, which was piled high with pillows and covered in a fluffy comforter that picked up both the yellow in the bedroom and the light sage green in the bathroom, didn’t have a wooden frame, but given the height and the fact that it had small rails on it, Donna assumed it was an adjustable, hospital style bed. 

Sarah apparently read her mind. “With your back, Joshua thought you’d be more comfortable with an adjustable bed.” 

“Yes, he’s right,” Donna answered. She was still overwhelmed and couldn’t quite think of a more elaborate answer than that. 

“Except for what you brought home from the hospital, I already unpacked your clothes and put them away and I set out some of the pictures and knickknacks I thought you might like and I put all your toiletries in the bathroom,” Sarah told her. “Anything extra I stored in Josh’s closet to keep the clutter out of your way. If you want anything you don’t see, let me know and I’ll dig it out for you.” 

“Thank you, Sarah, that was very thoughtful of you,” Donna said with a smile. Turning, she stared off to her left where a small, all-in-one style home gym had been set-up. 

Again, Sarah commented on the item before Donna could. “Joshua spoke to your doctors and your physical therapist. He picked out that gym using the guidelines they gave him. They said you’ll get better more quickly if you can supplement your out-patient therapy with some at home.” She paused. “Oh, but you’re not supposed to use it on your own, part of the day nurse’s job will be to help you with some extra physical therapy.” 

Donna rolled farther into the room. She was almost afraid to blink, as if the second she closed her eyes it would all disappear. “I didn’t know that,” she said as she went over to look at something she saw on the desk. “Oh, no, he didn’t...” she whispered in disbelief. 

Sarah smiled. “Yes, he did. He said that you’d need one and it would make it easier for you to contact him.” 

Donna fingered the streamlined silver laptop sitting on the desk. He’d bought her a laptop...she couldn’t quite take it all in. “I can’t believe he did all this...and he spent so much money,” she said absently. 

“Donna, honey, you know probably better than anyone that Josh’s inheritance and his own investments have made him very comfortable when it comes to money. And if you asked him he would say that money’s no object when it comes to taking care of you.” 

For what felt like the 300th time that day, Donna felt tears swim in her eyes. “Oh, Sarah. How can he...?” her voice trailed off. 

“How can he what, honey?” 

Donna looked up at Sarah with tears running down her face. “How can he be so wonderful when all I’ve done is push him away?” 

Once again, Sarah wanted to press for details, but she knew it wasn’t her place. “Well, dear heart,” she said handing her a tissue. “Maybe he just figured out that you’re worth waiting for.” After patting Donna gently on the shoulder, she walked to the doorway and paused. 

“Oh, when he had the laptop delivered a week ago, he called me to make sure it got here and to tell me where he wanted me to put it,” Sarah told her. “He said when you got here and saw it, you should check your personal e-mail account. He sent you a message.” She looked sympathetically at Donna for a moment. “I’m going to go make some tea.” With that she turned and walked out of the room. 

Donna took a shaky breath, wiped her nose, and rolled her wheelchair under the desk. With trembling fingers she pressed the button on the front and lifted the lid. The shiny, sparkling keyboard shone back at her. Pressing the power button, she waited while it booted up. 

Once the desktop appeared, Donna smiled when she saw the picture that was being displayed was of her and Josh during the first inauguration. ‘Happier times,’ she thought as she looked at their smiling faces. Pulling up the start-up menu, she selected “Internet Explorer,” and went to yahoo.com to check her personal e-mail. 

After plugging in her user I.D. and password, she rolled her eyes when she saw she had 246 messages waiting in her inbox. She assumed that at least 200 of them were junk mail and she didn’t even bother to try and read them. There’d be plenty of time for that. Right now, she had to find Josh’s message. Since he hadn’t sent her any right before the shooting or for most of the time she’d been in the hospital, it wasn’t hard to find. He’d sent it 4 days earlier and entitled it simply, “Welcome Home.” 

_To: impervious@yahoo.com_  
From: "whodaman"   
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2003 17:07:29 -0000  
Subject: Welcome Home 

_Hey,_

__

Since you’re reading this you must have gotten out of the hospital and are getting settled into the apartment, so let me open by saying, “Welcome Home.” I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. 

I’m guessing that by now mom has shown you everything and you’ve found all my surprises. I hope you like everything. When I was picking out paint I tried to think of colors I thought you’d choose. As for the furniture, you’d be amazed what you can find online. Don’t tell Toby I said this, but Pottery Barn has an amazing website. Feel free to change anything you don’t like. I want you to feel at home. Don’t worry about whether or not I’ll like it or not, as long as you’re there, I’ll like it fine (just please don’t paint my bedroom pink). 

You’re probably wondering about the laptop. I just thought that you might be able to put it to good use, both for your own projects and for e-mailing and IM-ing me (hint, hint) and it should help to save a bit on our cell and long distance bills. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call me or that I’m going to stop calling you, I just thought that communicating with the computer would be another way we can keep in touch. Plus, if there’s ever a time when I’m out of a service area or the battery on my phone is dead or I’m in a meeting, you can still send me messages (again with the hint, hint). I also had a high speed cable modem and wireless router installed in the apartment and your laptop has a wireless card so you shouldn’t have any problems getting online from anywhere in the apartment. 

Now, I know that you’re probably saying that I spent too much money on all the changes in the apartment. I have no defense except to say that you know money isn’t really an issue for me and nothing is too good for you. 

Well, I guess that’s all for now. As you read this I’m not sure where I’ll be, but I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Take care of yourself and know that thoughts of you are never far from my mind. 

All My Love,  
Josh

Donna didn’t even try and wipe away the tears his words had stirred up and concentrated instead on not getting them on the new laptop. Hitting ‘reply’ Donna sent him back a message. 

_To: whodaman@aol.com_  
From: "impervious"   
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 11:22:08 -0000  
Subject: Re: Welcome Home 

_Dearest Josh,_

__

Just when I think you can’t possibly be any more thoughtful and wonderful you prove me wrong. From the changes to your apartment (and I promise not to paint your room pink, although I always thought lavender would be nice...just kidding) to the new furniture (your Pottery Barn secret is safe with me) and the laptop (which stunned me speechless - quite a feat you’ll agree), I am thankful and overwhelmed by everything you’ve done. 

After all I’ve put you through since the Amy thing, I can’t believe how amazing you’re being. Your last e-mail said nothing was too good for me, but I think I’ve found at least one thing that is. YOU’RE too good for me! You’ve given me your mother, your apartment and your heart and I feel completely undeserving. You’re definitely living up to your status as my guardian angel. I’m just sorry that I can’t give you more in return...more sorry than you will ever know. 

I know you’ve only been gone for 3 weeks, we talk on the phone like once a day, and I meant it when I said you are always here with me, but I still miss you. I miss having my best friend to talk to in person...not to mention I miss seeing those dimples (I am only human after all). 

When I send this off to you in a few minutes (and if I remember my geography properly), I expect you’ll be flying over Idaho on your way to Seattle. It rains a lot in Seattle, doesn’t it? I just hope you remembered to take your coat or at least an umbrella. I know how bad you are about those kinds of things when I’m not there to look after you and I don’t want you getting sick. One of us having health issues at a time is more than enough. So take care of my guardian angel and don’t forget your promise to come back to me. 

All my best,  
Donna

After having a light lunch with Sarah, Donna took a nap for most of the afternoon. When she woke up, just before dinner, she found an e-mail reply from Josh. 

_To: impervious@yahoo.com_  
From: "whodaman"   
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 16:21:09 -0000  
Subject: Re: Re: Welcome Home 

_Hi,_

__

I just got in and don’t have much time before I have to head over to the campaign headquarters, but I wanted to respond to your e-mail. I’m staying at the Downtown Sheraton which is nice, but you know me, one hotel room is like another. It’s biggest selling point for me is the 24-hour room service, high speed internet and the fact that it’s near where I have to go. 

And yes, it’s currently raining here...but even without your packing advice, I did manage to bring my umbrella (okay, so I’m pretty sure that Sam told me to stick a travel one in my suitcase - but I still brought one so it counts - what? It does too count). You know how much I hate the rain, so I’m glad I’ll only be here a few days, before heading to Portland (not that it will be any drier mind you). 

As I said, I got your e-mail and I’m glad you liked everything (and you better be kidding about painting my room lavender or I’ll be forced to swap rooms with you). The laptop stunned you speechless, huh? Well, I would have liked to have been there for that...after all it’s such a rare occurrence (in case you were wondering, the dimples you are powerless to resist popped out right there). 

Now...I want you to imagine my ‘stern’ face for this next part (don’t laugh...you know I can have a ‘stern’ face when the occasion calls for it). STOP saying you don’t deserve things. You’re Donnatella Ann Moss and you deserve every good thing the world has to offer. As for what you give me, you give me plenty. A best friend, something to come home to (eventually), and someone to care for...what more could I ask for? I like being your guardian angel (although I think you got stuck with about as imperfect an angel as you’ll ever find). I know you’d do the same for me if our places were reversed (I know because you did after Rosslyn). 

I have the morning free tomorrow (will wonders never cease, I know) and thought I would go visit Pike’s Market. During the first campaign I remember you telling me all about it and lamenting the fact that we wouldn’t have time to see it when we were in Seattle, so I thought I’d see it for both of us and I promise to tell you all about it in an e-mail. 

Unfortunately, I have a late meeting tonight at the campaign office and then I have a contributor dinner tomorrow night, but what do you think about Yahoo! instant messaging with me during my first night in Portland? I know we could just as easily talk on the phone (and probably will), but I don’t think I’ve ever instant messaged you before and thought it might be fun (and believe me when I say I need some kind of fun and distraction on this trip). I’d forgotten how mind numbing some of this campaign stuff is and I promise to never complain about legislating again...okay, I know, I know, that’s a promise I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of keeping. How about I just give you permission to use my last sentence against me if (okay WHEN) I start complaining about legislating again? 

Well, for a quick reply, this has turned into quite the novel length e-mail. I’m going to be a little late for the meeting at the campaign office, but talking to you was well worth being late. Besides, it’s MY meeting and the campaign staff is all scared of me ‘cause I’m so powerful (stop rolling your eyes Donnatella), so they can just cool their heels for a few minutes until I get there. 

I’ll close by saying that I miss you too, desperately and I look forward to each of your calls, e-mails and, theoretically, your IMs. They all make this endless trip endurable. 

Give mom a kiss for me (and tell her I haven’t forgotten that I’m supposed to call her), take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you soon. 

All my love,  
Josh

So for the next two days they called and they e-mailed each other. They were both interested to see that while their phone calls were pleasant and fruitful, it was the e-mails that they came to treasure the most. They both seemed to say things in the e-mail that they weren’t so forthcoming about over the phone. Maybe it was because there was less pressure in an e-mail, less reason to expect or receive an immediate reaction to something that was said. It was probably also the fact that the e-mails could and WERE read and re-read over and over again like little gems. 

Donna went to her physical therapy, took her medications, worked with the day nurse on the home gym, played with the new laptop, and spent wonderful times with Sarah, just visiting, crocheting, reading, and going for walks...or at least Sarah walked while Donna rolled. 

Josh went to his campaign meetings and visited Pike’s Market. Speaking in vivid detail, he described everything to Donna in an extensive e-mail. From the fish throwing at the Pike’s Place Fish Market, to the various vendors selling their wares to the huge brass piggy bank he’d used his phone to take a picture of that he attached to the e-mail, he included it all. Before he left Seattle, he even had a chance to go and take in the view from the observation deck at the top of the Space Needle, which he also described to Donna in his final e-mail from Washington state. His descriptions had also made her wish she was there with him to see it all. 

Next it was on to Portland and, as Josh has predicted, it was not much drier than Seattle had been, but it didn’t matter because he was nice and dry inside his hotel room at the Courtyard Marriott near the airport and he was looking forward to his Yahoo! IM session with Donna that evening. 

**whodaman:** Hey, yt? 

**impervious:** Yep, just finished a round of gin with your mom. She’s a card shark! 

**whodaman:** lol, yeah I probably should have told you about that. Dad and I refused to play with her after a while. She doesn’t cheat or anything, she’s just crafty...and really lucky. 

**impervious:** Yeah, so I noticed! :o) So how’s Portland? 

**whodaman:** Wet (as expected)...my flight was terrible. Lots of turbulence and the flight attendant stiffed me on the peanuts. I mean what good is flying commercial if you can’t at least have peanuts? 

**impervious:** Oh, the horror! 

**whodaman:** Have I mentioned lately how much I hate flying commercial? And COACH no less! 

**impervious:** I never would have guessed that from your little tirade there Josh. 

**whodaman:** Mock all you want, Donnatella, but the state of air travel in this country has dipped to new lows. Flying on AF1 has ruined me for flying any other way. 

**impervious:** So...to soften the indignity of it, did you have your customary 1 beer on the plane? Because if you did, even though you’re three hours behind D.C., I expect this IM session won’t last too long before you fall asleep. 

**impervious:** Josh? 

**impervious:** Earth to Josh? 

**whodaman:** I only had a soda on the plane. 

**impervious:** ? But you always have a beer when you have to fly commercial. In fact, if things are quiet sometimes you even have one on AF1. 

**impervious:** Josh? 

**whodaman:** I sort of...decided, after the thing with my hand a couple weeks ago that I’m not going to drink anymore. 

**whodaman:** Donna? 

**whodaman:** Donna...you still with me? 

**impervious:** Oh, Josh, I’m sorry. It was thoughtless of me. 

**whodaman:** That, my dear, Donnatella will be a DOLLAR in the ‘Josh Jar’! 

**impervious:** But I really am sorry. 

**whodaman:** Stop with the sorrys...that’s an order from your guardian angel. Donna, you didn’t know, so there’s no reason to be sorry. It isn’t like I’m an alcoholic or anything, I’m not going to AA meetings...I just thought it would be a good idea if I didn’t drink for a while. 

**impervious:** Oh...okay. 

**whodaman:** Stanley and I talked about it a bit after I hurt my hand, but it was my idea to stop drinking. I guess I saw it as a ‘pre-emptive’ strike against BECOMING an alcoholic and Stanley agreed that it was probably a good idea. 

**impervious:** I’m glad, Josh. That’s was a really mature decision. 

**whodaman:** Mature? Are you calling me ‘old’ now? 

**impervious:** Josh!! I’m serious. Stop with the jokes. I’m trying to pay you a compliment here. 

**whodaman:** You don’t need to. I don’t deserve it. 

**impervious:** You’re always telling me that I deserve good things and well, dammit, Josh, so do you. Now shut up while I compliment you! 

**whodaman:** Okay...shutting up. 

**impervious:** That’s better. I swear Josh, you do all these great things for me and everyone else but when someone tries to say something nice to you, you act like...like...like they’ve insulted your mother or something! 

**whodaman:** Yeah, I don’t know why I do that. 

**impervious:** Now as I was saying, that was a very matu...responsible thing you did with the drinking. I’m very proud of you. And to be honest I’ll worry less about you being out of my sight if I know you’re not drinking. 

**impervious:** Josh...? 

**impervious:** Josh...yt? 

**impervious:** Josh...you better not be asleep! 

**whodaman:** I’m not asleep, I heard...read, every word you said. I’m just waiting for you to tell me if I can speak now. 

**impervious:** Sigh...yes, Josh, you can speak now. 

**whodaman:** You’re quite feisty tonight. I like it when you’re feisty. 

**impervious:** Since when? 

**whodaman:** Since always. 

**impervious:** Are you SURE you haven’t been drinking? 

**whodaman:** LOL, yes, Donna, I’m sure....crap. 

**impervious:** ???? You’re sure...crap? 

**whodaman:** Sigh...Sam just came online and saw that I was signed on and wants to talk about something for work. Can you give me a few minutes to get rid of him? 

**impervious:** Sure, no problem. I’m going to run...wheel myself to the bathroom, that will take me a few minutes anyway. 

**whodaman:** Doesn’t someone need to help you? 

**impervious:** No mother hen, that’s one of the things I learned how to do on my own at the rehab hospital. Of course the rails you had put in the bathroom, help immensely. Thanks again. 

**whodaman:** You’re welcome. I’ll be back as soon as I can get rid of Sam. 

**impervious:** Okay, I’ll be back as soon as I...do my thing. 

**whodaman:** ‘kay. 

**impervious:** brb :o) 

About ten minutes later, Josh came back. 

**whodaman:** Okay, I’m back whenever you are. 

Another five minutes went by and Donna came back. 

**impervious:** Okay, I’m back too...thanks for waiting. 

**whodaman:** No problem, sorry about Sam interrupting...did everything in the bathroom... go okay? 

**impervious:** lol, thanks for asking about what I know is a weird subject. Yes, actually that part of my recovery is going really well. I’ve got enough feeling back to know when I have...urges to use the bathroom, although I’m still on a strict diet. 

**whodaman:** Why the strict diet? I mean, if it’s going well why the special diet? 

**impervious:** Well, they’re still being careful with my intestinal injury (although things have healed pretty well in that area, my system can still get thrown off easily) and the last thing I need is to have diarrhea or constipation (aren’t you glad you asked) while I’m in this wheelchair so the doctor put me on a strict diet for at least the next month or two. 

**whodaman:** What kind of diet? I mean, what kind of things can and can you not have? 

**impervious:** Lots of fluids, esp. water, cranberry juice for my urinary tract and, yes, finally I can have orange juice . As for food, lots of fiber and bulk, so fruits (in small quantities) and veggies, bran, whole grains but I have to stay away from diary, meats (I can have small amounts of fish and chicken but beef and pork are out - which seeing as how your mom keeps kosher I don’t think will be a problem) white potatoes, white bread, and bananas as they can cause constipation (remember, you asked) and I’m supposed to also stay away from spicy foods, things with a lot of fat, oh, and caffeine since they can cause...well, the other thing. 

**whodaman:** So...healthy stuff? 

**impervious:** Basically...speaking of which, are you remembering to eat a salad once in a while? 

**whodaman:** Does lettuce on my hamburger count? 

**impervious:** No, it does not count! Look Josh, I know eating healthy on the road is hard and I know you like hamburgers, but next time you get one, could you at least TRY and have a side salad or even coleslaw instead of the fries? 

**whodaman:** LOL, yes, Donna, I will try and do that, but I’ll have you know, that I am currently eating my room service dinner and it is composed of a grilled chicken breast, wild rice pilaf, and broccoli. 

**impervious:** Really? 

**whodaman:** Cross my heart. 

**impervious:** Oh...well...good then. 

**whodaman:** So...you worry about me? 

**impervious:** What are you talking about? 

**whodaman:** Before Sam interrupted you said you wouldn’t worry as much about me if I wasn’t drinking and right now you sound like you’re worrying about what I eat...so you worry about me? 

**impervious:** God, Josh, what planet have you been living on? OF COURSE, I WORRY ABOUT YOU! 

**whodaman:** No need to yell, I was just asking. 

**impervious:** Well, that’s what friends do! And I wasn’t yelling...I was just emphasizing my point. 

**whodaman:** You say po-ta-to, I say po-tot-to. 

**impervious:** Yes, but we both spell it ‘p-o-t-o-a-t-o’. 

**whodaman:** ??? What does that mean, exactly? 

**impervious:** It means...it means...we do it different, but the same and yes I worry about you and shut up. 

**whodaman:** lol, okay...see this is another example of the feistiness I was talking about earlier. 

**impervious:** No, this is me trying to keep your head from getting as big as you know...shit. 

**whodaman:** ??? As big as shit?! LOL! Just how BIG is that? 

**impervious:** Oh, sorry, CJ just came online and she saw me and now she wants to chat. Hence the ‘shit’ part. 

**whodaman:** Geez, can’t people leave us alone for 5 minutes? 

**impervious:** What I was going to say before she came on was that I was trying to keep your head from getting as big as the Goodyear blimp. 

**whodaman:** CRAP!!!! 

**impervious:** There’s no need to get mad...I was just kidding about the head blimp. 

**whodaman:** No, no, I know you were kidding! CJ just IM-ed me TOO. She says she wants to talk to me. How can she talk to both of us???? 

**impervious:** She must be a juggler. 

**whodaman:** A juggler? You mean like in the circus? 

**impervious:** Okay, Josh you have to warn me when you’re going to say stuff like that ‘cause I almost spit cranberry juice all over my brand new laptop. 

**whodaman:** LOL, sorry, but what do mean she’s a juggler? 

**impervious:** I mean that she can juggle two or more IM sessions at a time. 

**whodaman:** Oh, yes, I suppose that would take a certain amount of talent. Must be why she makes a good press secretary. Although isn’t that what you and I are doing with her right now? I mean aren’t WE jugglers? 

**impervious:** Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m only vaguely keeping track of her IM and she’s already asking why there are looooong pauses between my entries to her. 

**whodaman:** Why? 

**impervious:** Why what? 

**whodaman:** Why are you only vaguely keeping track of her IM? I mean I thought that you guys had made up. She said she came to visit you a couple times in rehab. 

**impervious:** Yes, Josh, we did make up, we’re fine now and she did come and visit me. 

**whodaman:** Then why don’t you want to talk to her? 

**impervious:** I could ask you the same question. I know you guys made up a long time ago. Why don’t YOU want to talk to her all that much? 

**whodaman:** I asked you first. 

**impervious:** Because you’re the one I want to talk to. 

**whodaman:** Really? 

**impervious:** Yes, really!!!! Did I not arrange my frantic social life of endless therapy appointments to be here to talk to you? 

**whodaman:** Yes, you did. Just like I arranged my hectic schedule of mind-numbing meetings to be here with you. 

**impervious:** And why did you do that...(as if I didn’t know)? 

**whodaman:** ‘Cause you’re the one I want to talk to too. 

**impervious:** This is what I’m saying! 

**whodaman:** I bet I can get rid of her before you can. 

**impervious:** No chance of that, I’ve been your assistant, remember? I’m the Queen of getting rid of people you or I don’t want to talk to...usually someone that you’ve pissed off or made cry. 

**whodaman:** Hey! I do not make people cry! 

**impervious:** What about congressman Hastings? Bart Hastings? 

**whodaman:** He was a junior Republican congressman from North Dakota, he doesn’t count! Besides, I didn’t make him cry! He got a call from his wife during our meeting and she told him she was filing for divorce. HOW is that MY fault? 

**impervious:** Well, if you’d been more understanding maybe he wouldn’t have been so upset. 

**whodaman:** Maybe I would have been more understanding if he hadn’t been holding up a $150 billion health care bill at the time! 

**impervious:** Fair point...so what do I get if I get rid of her first? 

**whodaman:** I’ll bring you a present from Portland to go with the present I sent you from Seattle this morning. 

**impervious:** Awww!! You sent me something from Seattle this morning???!!! 

**whodaman:** That I did. 

**impervious:** What is it? 

**whodaman:** I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to wait and see when the FedEx guy delivers it tomorrow. 

**impervious:** Joooooosh!!!! I have to know! 

**whodaman:** No, Dooooonna!!! You have to wait! 

**impervious:** But, Josh! 

**whodaman:** Focus, Donna...I could, at this very minute, be getting rid of CJ. If I do, you will lose prize number 2. 

**whodaman:** Donna? 

**whodaman:** Donna...where’d you go? 

**impervious:** Okay, all gone...so what are you going to buy me? 

**whodaman:** Hey! How did you do that? She even signed off with me. ??? 

**impervious:** I told her you and I were talking about some insurance and some therapy stuff and that I needed your full attention and we would talk to her later. 

**whodaman:** Clever...very clever. Have I mentioned how amazing you are? 

**impervious:** No, I don’t believe you have, not during this conversation anyway. 

**whodaman:** You are amazing. 

**impervious:** I know...so what are you going to buy me? 

**whodaman:** LOL, any requests? 

**impervious:** Oh, you know, something simple...gold, diamonds...any trinkets they might have lying around. 

**whodaman:** Did I not mention that that gift can not be over $5? 

**impervious:** $5!!!!! You can’t get an empty box from Tiffany’s for $5!!!! 

**whodaman:** Tiffany’s!!! Who said anything about Tiffany’s?! Do they even have a Tiffany’s in the wilds of Oregon? 

**impervious:** Josh, you’re in Portland, not the back woods. Yes, they have a Tiffany’s in Portland. 

**whodaman:** I’m almost afraid to ask how you know that. 

**impervious:** Women are born with a mental listing of every Tiffany’s in the world. Kind of a female collective unconscious thing. 

**whodaman:** You can’t be serious? Can you? 

**impervious:** Oh, brother, Josh, how do you think I knew there was a Tiffany’s in Portland? I JUST LOOKED IT UP ON THEIR WEBSITE. 

**whodaman:** You keep yelling at me and the odds for me taking any potential trips to said Tiffany’s are going to go down faster than you can say, ‘philately is fun’. 

**impervious:** Again, I wasn’t yelling at you...I was just emphasizing my point...have I mentioned what a handsome, strong, powerful...benevolent...guardian angel you are? 

**whodaman:** Flattery will get you everywhere, Donnatella. 

**impervious:** Yes, I know. 

But seriously I was just kidding about Tiffany’s, I mean they do have a store in Portland but the cheapest thing they have there is still too extravagant so whatever you bring me (from wherever you get it) will be fine. 

**whodaman:** I’ll keep that in mind. 

**whodaman:** Hey, you know IM-ing with you is fun...except for getting interrupted by everyone in the free world that is. 

**impervious:** Oh, I don’t know that part was fun for me too, after all I’m getting a present out of it. 

**whodaman:** Fair point. 

In any case, I’m just glad that I didn’t have any meetings tonight. After being on the road for 3.5 weeks and my flight from hell to get here, I’m tired and was looking forward to a quiet night in talking to you. 

**impervious:** Sweet talker. 

**whodaman:** Well, Donnatella talking to you is a much more pleasant past time than schmoozing some Democrat big wig contributor that wants his picture taken with the President more than he wants to actually make a difference in the world. 

**impervious:** Well, Josh, not everyone can be guardian angels. Making a difference is your job. 

**impervious:** Josh? 

**impervious:** yt? 

**whodaman:** Yeah, just thinking. 

**impervious:** You got quiet there for a minute. Did I say something wrong? 

**whodaman:** No, I was just...you know why I want to make a difference, don’t you? 

**impervious:** Of course. You want to make a difference because you’re a good man, a passionate man who wants to make the world a better place. 

**impervious:** Josh? 

**whodaman:** There’s more to it than that. 

**impervious:** There is? 

**whodaman:** I mean I’ve always wanted to do good...it’s not just about being powerful. 

**impervious:** I know it’s not. 

**whodaman:** It’s about using that power to make things happen, things that matter. 

**impervious:** I know that too. 

**whodaman:** But ever since I met you, it’s become much more...personal to me. 

**whodaman:** I do it because...I want to make the better world for you...for you...and them. 

**impervious:** Them? 

**whodaman:** Yeah. 

**impervious:** Them who? Go ahead, Josh, you can say it. 

**whodaman:** For you and...our kids 

**impervious:** Oh, Josh...DAMMIT! 

**whodaman:** What??? 

**impervious:** Margaret just came online and wants to chat. 

**whodaman:** DAMMIT! What, does no one have anything better to do than continually interrupt us? 

**impervious:** Well, from the amount of outside IM traffic we’ve had, I would say, it’s a slow night for everyone. Either that or they just have REALLY sucky timing. 

Don’t worry, I’ll get rid of her. Just give me a second. 

**whodaman:** ok. 

**impervious:** All right, she’s gone. 

**whodaman:** You’re very good at that. 

**impervious:** I do my best. 

**whodaman:** I think we’re going to have to get new IM screen names if we ever want any peace. 

**impervious:** I think you may be right. Did you have any new names in mind? 

**whodaman:** No. You? 

**impervious:** No. I guess we’ll have to give it some thought. 

**impervious:** Josh? 

**whodaman:** Yeah? 

**impervious:** About what you said...about kids...about our kids. 

**whodaman:** You don’t have to say anything, Donna. 

**impervious:** No, I want to. That was a beautiful, wonderful thing you said. I’m glad you want those things and that you want the world to be a better place for me...and them. And I’d be lying if I said that I’d never thought about having your children....didn’t dream about what they’d look like. 

**whodaman:** I hear an enormous ‘but’ coming. 

**impervious:** But...oh, I’m totally screwing this up. 

**whodaman:** No, you’re doing fine. I told you I was going to be honest with you and now you’re being honest with me. So go ahead. 

**impervious:** I...I can’t give you those things, Josh. Not now...maybe not ever. I wish I could...you have no idea how much. 

**whodaman:** I know. 

**impervious:** You do? 

**whodaman:** Yes, I do. 

**impervious:** Then why have you done so much for me? 

**whodaman:** Because I love you, Donna. I know I shouldn’t say it and I’m sorry, but it’s true. I swear I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable or buy you or guilt you or stalk you or anything like that...I just want to take care of you. In any case, I’m not going away anytime soon. Even the possibility that one day you’ll be ready for those things with me is enough for now. 

**impervious:** But Josh, you deserve those things now. 

**whodaman:** Who says? 

**impervious:** I do. 

**whodaman:** Well, I don’t agree and it’s my decision. 

**impervious:** Maybe you should just find someone else who can make you happy now. Maybe I could talk to Amy for you, get her to take you back. 

**whodaman:** Nothing you could say would make Amy take me back and even if there were, I don’t want Amy and I don’t want anyone else. YOU make me happy, Donna. You’re worth waiting for. 

**impervious:** But what if I can never give you want you want? 

**whodaman:** Well, then I still get a best friend out of the deal so I can live with it. 

**whodaman:** Donna? 

**whodaman:** Donna, you still there? 

**impervious:** I don’t know what to say. 

**whodaman:** Just say you’ll try and think of a new screen name...for both of us. You know me and creativity. If you leave it up to me, I’d make it Josh2349 and Donna4390. 

**impervious:** Okay, I can do that. 

**whodaman:** Good. Since I have campaign meetings for the next 2 nights, I won’t have time to IM you, but I’d like to do this again. 

**impervious:** I’d like that too. 

**whodaman:** I’m glad. When I talk to you on the phone or via e-mail we can pick a night then. 

**impervious:** Okay...maybe by then I’ll have new screen names picked out. 

**whodaman:** When I get a break tomorrow I will e-mail you. 

**impervious:** Okay, and when my various torturers...err, I mean therapists get done I will e-mail you too. 

**whodaman:** I look forward to it. 

**whodaman:** Well, I better go, I’ve got some things to review before tomorrow and it’s getting late for you and you need your rest. Sleep well. 

**impervious:** You too. 

**whodaman:** I love you...I know you can’t say it back to me, but I wanted to leave you with that. 

**impervious:** I just don’t think I can be what you want...what you deserve. 

**whodaman:** Well, I think you’re wrong. I think you’re already exactly what I want and way more than I deserve. So until I can convince you of the same thing, I’ll keep a candle burning for both of us. 

**impervious:** Goodnight, Josh. 

**whodaman:** Goodnight, Donna. 


	36. Trial by Fire 35

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 35**

Josh carefully turned the key in the lock and slowly opened the front door. Since he was trying to slip in and slip out, he was glad that the hinges on the door didn’t creak or squeak. It was late, or more accurately, early...about 2 am and everything in the apartment appeared to be still and quiet, just as he’d expected. Carefully setting his luggage and garment bag inside, he quietly closed the door behind him. 

Standing in the foyer, he took a glance around. In the past, his apartment had tended to be a little stale, mostly because he was home so seldom, but as he stood there, the sense of home was an almost tangible force in the air. Josh smiled to see the light was on over the stove. Leaving it on at night had been a long standing habit of his mother’s for as long as he could remember. He supposed it was for all the nights his father had come home late from the office. 

Josh ran his hand over the sturdy new kitchen table, it looked much better than the old round Formica topped table had. In the middle of it was a neatly arranged wooden lazy susan containing salt and pepper shakers, napkins in a holder, two bottles of multi-vitamins, and a grouping of 6 amber pill bottles. 5 were Donna’s. 2 antibiotics, 1 anti-inflammatory, 1 sleeping pill, and one of her two pain medications, he supposed the other one was in her room if she should wake up and need them at night. The other amber bottle was his mothers and contained the medication she took for her high blood pressure. Otherwise, the table, like the rest of the kitchen, was spotless and tidy. 

The only other thing that kept the kitchen from being something akin to a model home was the myriad of papers attached to the front of the refrigerator. Taking a closer look, Josh saw they were Donna’s various therapy schedules and address and contact information for Donna’s physical therapists, Dr. Scott, Dr. Chambers, the day nurse, GW University Hospital, the rehab hospital, the insurance company, the pharmacy, Stanley, Sam, Toby, Ainsley, CJ, Leo and even Mrs. Bartlet. Since Donna would have known them by heart already, Josh assumed that the last few were for his mother’s benefit if she needed anything. 

Quietly pulling open the fridge, he smiled as he saw all the healthy food in it. He was so used to seeing nothing but beer and maybe orange juice and bologna, it seemed strange to see it so well stocked. It also added to the feeling of home he felt. They hadn’t served any kind of a meal on the red eye flight and Josh discovered he was a little hungry, so he pulled out a small bunch of grapes, closed the door and walked to the edge of the kitchen to stare into the living room. 

Although he had picked out all the paint colors and given the contractor instructions before he’d left, the majority of the actual work on the apartment had been completed after he’d gone on the road. From what he could see in the low light from the kitchen it looked like everything had been arranged according to his wishes. He wanted to turn on another light so he could really see things, but he didn’t want to wake Donna. As he was planning to do a little digging in his room for some clothes, he’d almost have to wake up his mother though. Besides the fact that finding things in his room would be impossible in the dark, if he didn’t make her aware of his presence, she’d probably wake up and think he was a burglar. 

‘I probably shouldn’t be here at all,’ he thought as he popped the last of the grapes into his mouth. He was supposed to be in California, not D.C. From Portland he should have gotten on a plane San Francisco, where he was supposed to spend the next few days, but when he’d gotten to the airport he’d found himself buying a ticket on the red eye from Portland to D.C. and calling the hotel in San Francisco to change his reservation since he would be checking in one day late. His return flight was scheduled to leave Dulles in 7 hours at 9 am that morning, so D.C. was more of a long stop over than an actual visit. Thanks to the 3 hours he’d gain flying west, he’d even be back in San Francisco for his first meeting that evening and no one but possibly his mother, would be the wiser. 

And so, here he was standing in the middle of his apartment trying not to make any noise. 

He was there because he needed fresh clothes and a new umbrella, as he’d apparently left the one he had in Seattle. At least that was the lie he’d been telling himself. Actually, he’d been having his laundry done through the laundry and dry cleaning services at the various hotels and he could have just stopped somewhere and bought a new umbrella. If he was completely honest, the real reason he was back in D.C. was because he’d missed Donna and wanted to check on her. Even if that meant he only saw her sleeping for a few moments and she never knew, he thought it was worth it. He didn’t want his visit to be a thing for her...didn’t want her to feel frustrated or angry or pressured because he was there and he hoped slipping in and slipping out again would accomplish that. 

He decided that he could wait a few minutes to wake up his mom, first he had to see Donna. Toeing off his shoes so he wouldn’t make so much noise on the hardwood floors, Josh padded through the living room and down the hall to Donna’s room. 

Coming to the bathroom, Josh smiled to see a nightlight burning there. Just like his mother and the stove light in the kitchen, he knew leaving a nightlight burning in the bathroom at night was one of Donna’s habits. Halfway between the bathroom and her bedroom, Josh paused in the hall. He heard something drifting through the quiet darkness...what was it? Then he realized. It was the sound of someone crying softly. His heart twisted. 

The sound was coming from Donna’s room. 

Donna laid there in the dark, making a concerted effort to keep her crying quiet so she didn’t disturb Sarah. She often cried at night, when she was alone and the night had closed in around her. In the hospital, both GW and the rehab hospital, she’d been busy enough and monitored enough and on enough drugs that there usually wasn’t the time or the energy for tears. Now that her recovery was steadily improving and she was...home, there was more than enough of both. 

It was a combination of things that always led her down this path. 

A time or two it had been a nightmare containing images of the courthouse combined with images from Rosslyn. Sometimes Josh was shot in both places and she had to watch him die...twice and sometimes they’d both been shot and they clung to each other as the life seeped out of them and eventually she made it, but he didn’t. 

And then there were the dreams. Not nightmares, but dreams. Dreams that anyone else would say were peaceful, pleasant...wonderful even. Dreams that showed them both healthy and unscarred by either Rosslyn or the courthouse. In those dreams, politics, scandal and fear didn’t matter. They were together and they loved each other. They had a family, two boys and a girl. All with their father’s dimples and their mother’s smile. 

Donna didn’t know which nocturnal happening was more painful. What could have happened in violence...or what could have happened in love. 

But the nightmares and the dreams were only a layer...an accent to the two core issues that usually made Donna cry in the dark like this. And tonight it hadn’t taken either nightmares or dreams to have her crying. 

The first issue was the physical. 

For some reason, her body hurt and tingled and twitched and itched the most at night. Almost as if during the day she moved around and was distracted enough that she didn’t notice so much. The sleeping pills and pain medication they’d given her helped her fall asleep, but often she didn’t STAY asleep for more than a few hours. That alone usually left her feeling frustrated and tearful. 

That night, this physical problem was compounded by the fact that her body felt especially sore and painful. Her current therapist, Helen, a woman who seemed to delight in torturing her, had started her on a new round of exercises a couple of days before that continued to leave her exhausted and stiff. Normally Donna was able to sit in the whirlpool for 30 minutes after her therapy to help take some of the ache out of her muscles and joints, but the whirlpool at the rehab center hadn’t been working, so no whirlpool that day. Donna had originally planned on taking a hot bath when she got home, but she’d been so tired when she got home she’d taken a nap instead. By the time she’d gotten up for dinner, the day nurse had gone for the day and Sarah was not strong enough to lift Donna in and out of the tub, so no bath that day either. 

The second issue was the emotional. 

When things got quiet, her thoughts inevitably turned to Josh. How much she missed him and how much she’d done to him. The same old fears and worries fought with how wonderful he’d been to her through this whole ordeal. She wanted to show him how much she loved him, wanted to scrap everything she was worried about, throw herself on his mercy, and beg his forgiveness for pushing him away and making him think she didn’t trust him or didn’t love him, but she just couldn’t do it. She supposed it was a little like seeing everything you ever wanted out there in the open, but being terrified that if you reach out and take hold of it, it will turn to dust in your hands. 

But no matter where they stood on the romantic front, she missed him as a friend, or more accurately, seeing him everyday as a friend. Of course they still communicated by phone and by e-mail and they were scheduled to have another IM session tomorrow night when he was in San Francisco, but as much as she understood why he was gone, she still wished he was there with her. Something about having him there calmed her spirit. It was as if when he was near the ghosts of the past stayed quiet and when he was gone they were restless. 

Then there was also her continuing worries about whether or not she’d walk again. Of course she’d made progress and the doctors and therapists kept telling her that she was doing great, but she knew she had a lot of progress still to make and she couldn’t, in all good conscience, go on letting Josh take care of her if it looked like she was going to be staying in a wheelchair permanently. At some point, she’d have to stand on her own two feet...so to speak, and cut him free of her. 

‘Why do things have to be so difficult?’ she wondered with a sniffle. 

“Donna?” 

Her head jerked up to see his dark figure in her doorway. Her tears evaporated in the wake of her surprise. “Josh?” she demanded with a frown. Even in the dark she knew his voice. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” he said as he walked slowly into the room. So much for not letting her see him. Not that he cared now anyway. He was more concerned with why she’d been crying. “I heard you crying,” he added softly. 

“Josh? Is it really you?” she asked. “I’m not having a dream?” 

“If you’re dreaming then so am I,” he joked. 

“Oh, you ARE here,” she said a little breathlessly. She was so happy to see him. “Wait, why are you here?” 

“Why are you crying?” he asked into the dark. 

She could tell by the movement of his shadowy form that he was moving closer to her bed. “Josh watch out for my...” 

THUD! “Oww!” CRASH! “Oof!” 

“...wheelchair,” she finished apologetically. “Let me turn on the light.” Slowly sitting up in bed, she clapped her hands together and the bedside lamp came on bathing the room in a soft glow. It revealed a dazed Josh sitting on the floor next to her bed rubbing his foot with her wheelchair sitting between them. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. 

“How did you turn on the light?” he asked. He noticed it was a little too far away for her to have reached over and turned it on. 

“It’s called ‘The Clapper’ Josh. Your mom got it for me so I didn’t have to try and reach over to turn the light on or off,” she explained. “See?” Clapping her hands again the light went off plunging the room back into darkness. “It makes it easier if I have to get up in the middle of the night.” 

“Oh, right. Um...Donna?” Josh said tentatively. 

“Yes?” 

“Could you turn the light back on now?” 

“Oh, sorry,” she clapped her hands again and the light came back on. “Now, are you okay?” 

Josh stared at her and saw the drying tears on her cheeks. “Why were you crying?” 

Before Donna could think of a reply, Sarah’s footstep came up the hall. “Donna, are you okay?!” Sarah called. “I thought I heard a noise. Did you fall...?” She stopped in the doorway. “...Joshua?” 

“Hi, Mom,” he greeted from the floor. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Sarah asked him. 

“I’m fine, I just stubbed my toe on the wheelchair and then overcorrected and fell on my butt,” he explained looking back and forth from Donna to Sarah. 

“Oh, well, that’s good. Now would you like to tell me what exactly you’re doing here at 2 in the morning?” Sarah demanded. “I thought you were supposed to be in San Francisco.” 

“I was...I am. I decided to fly home and get some clean clothes,” he explained. “I was trying to be stealthy and not wake you guys up.” He looked at Donna. “But when I came in here to check on Donna I...hit the wheelchair and woke everyone up.” With Donna’s tears largely dry by then, he decided not to mention that she’d already been awake and crying when he’d come in. 

“Well, Joshua, you never were very good at stealth,” Sarah commented. “How long are you going to be here?” 

“Not very long,” he told Sarah. “I’ve got a meeting in San Francisco tonight that I have to be there for. No one knows I’m here. My flight back to California is at 9 this morning. I was going to get some new things and then go back to Dulles to wait.” 

Sarah put on her ‘mother’ face. “No, you’ll finish talking to Donna, then you’ll sleep a couple of hours on the couch, I’ll get up at 6 and make us all some breakfast, then you’ll get some clean clothes and THEN you’ll go back to the airport.” 

“But Mom...” 

“But Joshua..” she mimicked. 

He hung his head a bit in defeat. “Okay.” 

An odd silence descended on the room and Sarah sensed an undercurrent between her son and Donna. “Well, I’m going to go back to bed.” She glanced at Donna. Although she hadn’t said anything about it, Sarah had not failed to notice the dry tears on Donna’s face. “Donna, dear, did you need anything before I go?” 

“No, Sarah, thank you,” Donna replied. 

“Don’t keep her up too long, Joshua.” 

“I won’t, Mom,” Josh promised. With a nod, Sarah turned and went back to her room. 

The two of them stared at each other quietly for a few moments. Josh was the first one to break the silence. “Why were you crying?” 

Donna didn’t especially want to answer so she asked a question of her own. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” 

“It was a last minute decision,” he told her. “I didn’t know I was coming myself until I went to the airport to fly to San Francisco and I found myself buying a ticket to D.C.” He paused. “Now why were you crying when I came in?” he asked again. 

“If I had been asleep were you going to tell me you’d been here?” 

Josh let out a breath. “Probably not.” 

“What about your new thing about being honest with me?” 

He shifted so he was sitting cross-legged. “I didn’t want to hurt you or make you think I was pressuring you. That’s the truth. I just missed you and wanted to check on you, but I didn’t want it to be a thing and I thought that if you knew I flew back to DC in the middle of the night just to see you then it would be a thing.” 

Donna was quiet for a moment. “Oh...well, then...I guess that was a pretty nice thing you tried to do.” She paused. “And for the record, I’m glad you came.” 

“Yeah?” he said with a little smile as he felt a part of himself relax. Then he sobered a bit. “Why were you crying, Donna?” he asked quietly. 

Pressing the button on the bed rail, she raised the head farther, laid back against it, and let out a breath. “I’m in a fair amount of pain tonight.” Which was true. She just wasn’t specifying that it was emotional as well as physical pain. 

With her lying down he couldn’t see her from the floor anymore so he got up and stood next to her bed. “Why are you in pain? Should I call the doctor? Do you need your pain meds or something?” 

She smiled gently as he went into “guardian angel” mode. “No, you don’t need to call him and I took my pain meds before I went to bed.” She looked at him for a minute. “You look tired, Josh, sit down.” 

He glanced around for a chair, but besides her wheelchair there weren’t any. Which made sense, she could just sit in her wheelchair and other chairs might just get in her way. 

Donna patted the bed beside her. “You can sit on the bed Josh, it’s okay. I’m not made of glass.” 

He watched as she shifted her legs a bit under the covers so he’d have more room. “Hey, you’re moving your legs now, that’s great,” he said as he carefully sat down on the edge of her bed. 

She smiled. “I guess it has been a long time since you’ve seen me. I can’t walk yet, but I’m making progress.” 

“I can see that,” he replied. “Earlier you were even sitting up in bed by yourself.” 

“Well, I still have to wear the brace, but now that I have feeling back in my pelvis and more motion and strength in my hips sitting up is easier, especially once I get myself up. Although, if I’m laying flat, someone has to help me or I have to use the hand rail to pull myself up,” she explained. 

“Well, it’s still great,” he replied. “So...why are you in pain? Is this a normal thing?” 

“Not really. I mean I do have a certain amount of discomfort at night, but my physical therapist started me on some new exercises a couple of days ago and they make my whole body ache. Not just my back but my arms and my shoulders and my neck and even my hips and legs,” she explained. 

“Usually I get to sit in the whirlpool for a half hour afterwards and that helps, but the whirlpool they have at rehab wasn’t working today.” She sighed. “I’d planned to take a hot bath when I got home this afternoon, but I was so tired I took a nap instead. When I woke up from my ‘short’ nap that turned into a three hour one, the day nurse had gone home and your mom isn’t strong enough to get me in and out of the tub. Now, of course, everything feels like one big knot.” She smiled a bit tiredly. “I guess I should be happy I can feel anything at all.” 

“Donna,” he chided. “I know that pain is part of what you have to deal with during your recovery, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer needlessly.” He paused. “I have an idea. Why don’t you take a hot bath now?” 

She looked at him. “And just how do you propose I do that without the nurse here?” 

“I’ll help you.” 

“You’ll help me?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “And how are you going to help me take a bath without seeing me, you know, naked?” 

He smirked at her. “Well, that was going to be what made it fun for me.” 

“Josh...” she said in exasperation. “If you’re going to joke about it...” 

“I’m sorry,” he told her with grin. “I was just kidding. As much as I’m hoping to one day see you naked, I was thinking maybe you could wear something in the tub.” 

Donna frowned. “Wear something?” 

“Sure. What do you wear when you’re in the whirlpool at rehab?” 

“The day nurse helps me put on a leotard, sweat pants and a sweatshirt before I go to therapy and I leave the leotard on while I’m in the whirlpool,” she told him. “Then I dry off as much as possible and I just put the sweats back on over the damp leotard and when I get home, the nurse helps me change into something dry.” 

“Well, since I assume that for me to help get you into the leotard we’d run into the whole ‘seeing you naked’ problem, we’ll have to think of something else.” He considered that. “How about wearing a shirt or even a towel? I mean you’re not going to be in the tub to wash. You’re there for the moist heat.” 

Donna hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “I guess that would work.” 

Josh looked at her for a moment. “By the way, why are you wearing one of my shirts?” 

Donna had forgotten she had it on and felt a little embarrassed that he’d caught her wearing it. She’d swiped one of the dress shirts out of his closet and had been wearing it as a nightshirt ever since. It was a small way she could feel closer to him and she found that wearing it was oddly comforting. 

Nervously, she fingered the collar. “I...well, you see...my pajamas don’t really fit over the brace, but you’re shirt was just big enough...” she paused. “I won’t wear it anymore.” 

“No, no,” he said quickly. He liked the idea of her wearing his clothes. “It’s okay, I was just wondering. Help yourself to anything of mine,” he said sincerely. 

“Thanks,” she replied with a smile. She was glad to see he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. 

“Now, back to this bath idea. Would you rather wear a shirt or a towel or something else?” 

“I think a towel would be the easiest to change after it gets wet.” 

He looked at her. “Um, I swear I’m not asking with a leer or any kind of hidden meaning, but do you need any help getting your underwear off or anything?” 

“No...I mean I don’t wear any at night.” She swallowed a little twinge of embarrassment. “I, um...getting underwear on and off is still a bit of a challenge, so it’s easier if I don’t wear any at night...I have a pad under me on the bed in case I have an accident.” 

Josh was still trying to process the fact that Donna didn’t wear anything but her brace under his shirts. He took a breath to clear the image of naked Donna hiding under his shirt. “Okay, then...” he tried to work up a little spit in a mouth gone suddenly dry. “I’ll go get you a towel and run you a bath.” 

Donna nodded. “All right.” 

Josh got up and walked to the bathroom. Donna heard the water start running in the tub. She debated if this was a good idea or not. Being nearly naked in the tub with Josh nearby might not be the best thing for either of them. It wasn’t that she minded having him there, in fact the idea seemed kind of natural and she really did want a hot bath, but she also didn’t want to lead him on. Well, she’d just have to make sure that their conversation stayed light and friendly. Josh returned then with a fluffy, white towel. 

“This is the largest towel I could find.” 

Donna used the bed rail to pull herself up into a sitting position and throwing back the covers, she slowly swung her legs over the side of the bed. “That should be fine,” she said as she looked up and found Josh staring at her intently. She could swear that she saw the hint of tears in his eyes. “...what?” 

“I just...look at you,” he said softly. “You’ve come so far. I’m so proud of you.” 

She looked down at her feet and swung them back and forth slightly while wiggling her toes. “Yeah, I guess I have. Sometimes I focus so much on how far I have to go that I forget to see how far I’ve come.” She looked back up at him. “You know I couldn’t have done it without you and all the support you’ve given me.” 

“I’m glad I could be there for you,” he replied. They stared quietly at each other for a moment. There was so much he wanted to say, wanted to tell her, convince her of, but he knew it wouldn’t work and would probably only serve to drive her away. She would have to come to him. 

“Well...I’ll give you a chance to change and I’ll go check on your bath,” he told her. “Do you want me to add anything to the water?” 

“Actually in the medicine cabinet there’s some jojoba and lavender bath oil, my physical therapist recommended it for my skin. After you turn off the faucet, could you add two capfuls to the water?” 

“Sure, of course,” he said as he took a step back. “I’ll come back when I’ve got things ready.” 

“Okay,” she replied. She waited as he walked out of the room and he closed the door behind him to give her some privacy. Laying the towel beside her on the bed, she unbuttoned Josh’s shirt and slid it off. Then she pulled open the Velcro straps that held her brace together and lifted it over her head and set it aside. 

Although she’s tried to avoid looking at her body as much as possible, she couldn’t seem to stop herself from doing it now. 

She’d especially avoided looking at the scars. Well, maybe they weren’t quite scars yet. More like still healing incisions. While the stitches had been removed at the rehab hospital and her doctors had given her the okay to get them wet, the scars were still dark pink, puckered and fairly angry looking. There were 2 main scars. The scar from the original bullet wound that was round and it was bisected by a long surgical scar from her first operation. The second scar was a small one down on the front of her hip where they’d taken the bone grafts from her pelvis for her spinal fusion. Tears filled her eyes for a moment...they were also very ugly. 

She had yet to see the scar on her back, but she’d been told it was quite impressive. It didn’t take a genius or, you know, Stanley, to figure out that she had no plans to see it anytime soon. 

Then she ran her fingers over her ribs. She’d lost so much weight. It was easy to forget just how much when she was wearing the bulky brace. Even sitting down she could see each of her ribs, not to mention that her breasts seemed smaller and her pelvis seemed to be trying to poke its way out of her skin. The tears that had been gathering spilled over and trailed down her cheeks. 

And here she’s been worried about Josh seeing her naked. He’d probably take one look at her and be completely repulsed. And even if her ‘boniness’ hadn’t gotten to him, she was sure her scars would have. They’d probably just serve to remind him of his own scars and of the trauma at the courthouse. Yeah, she was quite the sex kitten right now. 

Hearing the water turn off, Donna knew Josh would be back any minute. Taking a steadying breath, she picked up the towel, wiped the tears off her face and then wrapped the towel under her armpits and around her middle. Just as she figured, a moment later, Josh knocked lightly on her door. 

“Come in.” 

“You ready?” Josh asked as he opened the door to find her sitting on the edge of the bed. 

He was a little shocked at what he saw. Although he’d noticed her face and hands had looked thin, he had no idea just how skinny she’d gotten. Her collar bone, the bones in her shoulder, and the ribs above the towel line, all stood out prominently and without the shirt or the blanket, her arms and legs looked like twigs. 

“Yeah, I just need to get into the wheel...what?” she asked as she saw him standing there frowning at her. 

“You’re so...thin. God, Donna, how did that happen? WHEN did it happen?” His voice wasn’t mad or admonishing, just concerned. 

Her shoulders slumped defeatedly. She would not cry about it again. “I know. I look pretty terrible, don’t I?” she said looking down at her lap. She felt the heat of his body and saw his shoes as he moved to stand next to her. 

“No, you just look too thin,” he replied. 

“It’s okay, Josh, you can say it,” she said, still not looking at him. “It’s nothing I wasn’t thinking just a few moments ago. I look ugly.” She laughed humorlessly. “Throw in all my new scars and the fact that you can count my ribs and see my pelvis and I look downright hideous.” 

“Donna...” he said sitting down next to her on bed. “You do NOT look ugly or hideous.” He put his arm gently around her shoulders. “I’m sorry I said anything. I wasn’t trying to make you feel self-conscious...I was just surprised. I knew you’d lost weight but I didn’t realize how much.” 

“Even though I was being fed intravenously most of the time, with my intestinal injury and my infection, I lost around 25 pounds after the shooting,” she told him. “My strict diet has made it hard to gain it back very fast. No dairy means no ice cream and I have to limit my sugar and fat intake so pretty much anything I might normally eat to gain weight I can’t have.” She paused. “But I have gained back almost 5 pounds...2 pounds in this week alone.” She looked up at him and smiled. “Your mom likes to feed me.” 

“I’ll bet. I’m surprised she isn’t in here every hour on the hour trying to force feed you something,” he said with a grin, then he sobered. “You look like you could use a hug. Can I give you one? Just as one friend to another?” 

“I’d like that,” she said. “But you’ll have to come to me. When I’m sitting like this, I can’t really twist enough hug you.” 

“I think I can manage that,” he said as he leaned sideways and carefully gathered her into his arms and gently hugged her. 

“Thanks, Josh. I’m glad you came home,” she whispered against his neck and she inhaled the scent of him. 

“You’re welcome,” he replied then reluctantly released her. “Now, why don’t we get you into that bath before the water cools off?” 

“Okay,” she said. “I just need to get into my wheelchair.” 

“You don’t need the wheelchair.” 

Donna cocked an eyebrow at him. “Josh, have you forgotten the whole, ‘I can’t walk’ factor?” 

“No, not at all,” Josh replied. “But you’re forgetting the ‘I can carry you’ factor.” 

She swallowed, the thought of him carrying her sent a little thrill through her. “You want to carry me? 

“Sure, what’s wrong with that?” he asked. 

“But I...I don’t want you to hurt your back.” 

“I won’t. Besides, that bathroom is pretty small. Isn’t it hard for two people to maneuver around in there with a wheelchair?” he argued. 

“Um...yes. I mean the nurse usually has me park in the doorway and then she sort of transfers me from the chair to the tub,” Donna explained. 

“Well, I’ll do the same thing only I’ll transfer you from here.” He paused. “Unless you don’t want me to.” He said it with no pressure or pleading in his voice, just a hint of a question. 

Donna knew that if she said she did mind they’d do it some other way, but she realized that he’d have to pick her up at some point so she really was being a little silly about the whole thing. “No, it’s okay,’ she replied. 

“You sure?” he asked with a frown. 

“Yes,” she said softly. 

With a nod, Josh stood and bent over slightly. “Put your arms around my neck.” Donna complied and he slid one arm under her legs and the other high up on her back so he didn’t put pressure on her back injury. Then he easily picked her up. 

“See, no problem,” he said with a triumphant little grin. “How are you doing? I’m not hurting you, am I?” 

“No, I’m okay.” 

“Good,” he said and he started for the bathroom. She really wasn’t very heavy at all. 

Carrying her like this was such an odd experience for him. On the one hand, he loved that he could carry her and feel this close to her, but on the other, her body felt so frail he was worried that he’d break her if he held her too tightly. He took things slow, especially around the corners so he didn’t risk dropping her or hitting her on the wall or a door or something. 

“Put me down on the edge of the tub,” she instructed him as they entered the bathroom. The room was filled with the soothing smell of lavender from the oil he’d added to the water. 

“Why can’t I just put you down in the tub?” 

“Because when I take a bath rather than a shower, the nurse always sets me down on the edge. Then she kneels down by the tub and then lowers me in. If you try to do it while you’re standing, you can easily hurt your back by basically trying to lower me to the equivalent of the floor,” she explained. 

“Oh...good safety tip,” he said, putting her down on the edge of the tub. Knowing he’d never walk again if he tried kneeling on the tile, he pulled out another towel, folded it and dropped it by the tub. Kneeling down on it, he gently slid her into the water. “How is it? I didn’t get it too hot did I?” 

Donna sighed happily as she settled in. “No, it’s perfect.” 

“Are you comfortable?” 

“Yes, but could you please roll up one of the smaller towels to put behind my neck?” she asked. 

“Sure.” Rising from the floor he reached under the sink and pulled out a towel. After rolling it into a passably good pillow, he slipped it behind her neck. 

“Thanks, Josh, that’s perfect,” she murmured closing her eyes blissfully. She could already feel the heat and the lavender soothing the aches from her body. 

Josh stood there not quite sure what to do then. He didn’t know if he should leave her to have some peace and quiet or if he should stay and talk to her. Or for that matter he didn’t know if it was SAFE to leave her in the tub alone. Maybe she needed some kind of supervision. 

Since he’d gotten so quiet, Donna opened her eyes and turned her head to find him looking at her with a question on his face. As usual she answered his question before he’d even voiced it aloud. 

“Why don’t you sit down and talk to me?” she said with a smile. 

Relieved, he smiled back. “I’d like that.” 

“Oh! But before you do you might want to think about changing clothes,” she suggested. “You’re probably going to get a little wet when you help me get out of the tub, so if you want to keep your shirt and pants dry you might want to change into something else or put a robe on or something.” 

He looked down at his shirt and suit pants. He’d discarded his jacket already when he’d been drawing her bath. “Well, I was going to leave this suit here anyway, so it’s not a big deal if it gets wet,” he said with a shrug as he grabbed the towel he’d kneeled on to use as a cushion. He sat down on it with his back against the wall and stretched out his legs as well as he could with the toilet and the vanity in the way. “I’ll drop it at the cleaners on my way to the airport tomorrow. Then mom can pick it up when she has a chance or I can get it when I come back.” 

“Or I could pick it up,” she commented with a smile. “I get around pretty good in my wheelchair these days and if you’re using the same cleaners you were, it’s only a block from here. Actually your mom and I try to talk a walk once a day, usually in the morning before therapy. If the weather’s not too bad that is.” 

“Really? You take walks together? That sounds nice,” he commented. 

“It is,” she agreed. “Except for the stupid blisters and calluses I get.” 

He frowned. “What blisters and calluses?” 

“On my hands, from pushing on the wheels of my chair,” she replied. “See?” She held out her hand so he could see her right palm. There was a large, semi-healed blister on her palm at the base of her thumb. There were also two calluses on the upper part of her palm at the base of her fingers. 

“Those look really painful, Donna,” he told her with a frown. “Is it the same on your left hand?” 

“Pretty much, although the blister isn’t quite as bad,” she replied. 

“What are you doing about them?” 

“The day nurse checks them everyday to make sure that they’re healing okay and not getting infected,” she replied. 

“Can you do something to prevent them?” 

“Well, my physical therapist recommended some special gloves that basically just cover the palm that they make just for people in wheelchairs,” she explained. “But you have to get them over the internet and I ordered a pair but I don’t think they’ll be here for another week. In the meantime, I’ve been using regular leather gloves but while they help with the blisters, they’re not very good for gripping the wheels.” She sighed. “My physical therapy doesn’t help either. I have to lift weights and that rubs them too. My therapist usually tapes my hands up during my session to help try to keep them from getting worse.“ 

Donna saw his concerned expression. “Stop frowning, it’s all right. The walks with your mother and my physical therapy are worth some blisters and calluses.” 

“Okay.” Josh wanted to say something more, DO something more, but it was clear she had the situation under control and probably wouldn’t appreciate it if he pushed. He decided to change the subject. Or maybe turn the subject back where it had been earlier. “So it sounds like you and my mom are getting along all right.” 

“Of course we are, Josh. You know I adore your mother. She’s been wonderful. Even when she tries to feed me something every time we’re in the same room together.” She said with a grin. “Thank you for asking her to stay with me.” 

“You’re welcome. Oh, say...by the way, I like your hair. When did you get it cut?” 

“Oh, I didn’t realize I hadn’t told you,” she said fingering her hair that was now cut in a chin length bob. “I got it cut a couple of days ago. The day nurse cut it. She took a couple of barber classes so she could cut her patient’s hair if they wanted. When she told me that I asked her if she’d cut my hair too. It’s so much easier to wash and take care of when it’s short. Plus, she left it just long enough I can pull it back in a tiny little ponytail if I need to.” 

“Well, it looks nice,” he commented sincerely. 

“Thanks. So...tell me about being on the campaign trail again.” She smiled. “Does it bring back memories of the President’s first campaign?” 

“No, largely because I’m there mostly on my own. I mean, I know I’m meeting with democrats and they’re supporters, but it’s not the same. The first time I had CJ, Toby, Sam, and Leo around to argue with.” He looked at her. “And of course, I had you there to take care of me and keep me on track and you know, help me remember how to laugh,” he added softly. 

He went on before she could comment. “Now all I’ve got are these dumb kiss campaign people with little experience outside local politics.” 

“Josh...” she said with a little exasperation. “They can’t be that bad.” 

“I swear Donna I don’t know where they get some of these campaign guys they can be so incompetent,” Josh told her. 

“They’re also usually volunteers so don’t be too hard on them,” she replied. 

“I know, but still the President said he wanted me to ‘bust some heads’...” 

“Yes, and I can understand that and you definitely have a good record at ‘head busting’ but Josh, please try not to piss everyone off in the process. We need at least some of these people and I don’t want Leo and the President making your next campaign stop the Aleutian Islands in Alaska,” she told him with a grin. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he replied. 

“By the way,” she began. “Did you know that Alaska boasts the northernmost, easternmost and westernmost points in the United States? It can do that because Alaska straddles the international dateline.” 

He grinned to hear her bringing the trivia again. “As a matter of fact I did know that, Donnatella. And would you like to know HOW I know that?” 

“How?” she asked curiously. 

“The President told me that when he was giving me his endless dissertation on National Parks. When he got to Denali National Park and the Alaskan Maritime National Wildlife Refuge which happens to encompass the entire Aleutian Islands chain, he was very sure about telling me that little factoid.” 

“I thought you’d blocked out most of that conversation with him,” she teased. 

“Some things you just never forget.” It had come out as a teasing remark, but Josh had realized that his words had a deeper meaning for him. And judging from Donna’s silence it had one for her too. 

“So did you like the present I sent you from Seattle?” he asked moving the conversation in a new direction. 

She smiled. “Oh, Josh, I did. It was beautiful. I have it sitting on the dresser in my room. Where did you get it?” 

“I got it from a vendor at Pike’s Market. He sold all kinds of carvings like that...said he made them himself.” 

Donna thought about the gift. It was the figure of an orca whale made from dark mahogany wood. The tail of the whale was raised into the air and carved on it was an amazingly detailed image of the Seattle skyline. 

“Well, it was beautiful and very thoughtful,” Donna replied. 

“Oh, hey, that reminds me. I haven’t given you the present I got in Portland,” he said as he clambered up. 

“Josh, I was just kidding about that, you didn’t have to get me anything,” she insisted. 

“Oh, well, if that’s how you really feel, I suppose I could return it,” he said innocently. 

“Now, don’t be hasty...I mean you went to all the trouble of getting me something I should at least be thankful,” she said with a grin. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say,” he said with a smirk. “Hang on, I’ll go get it. It’s in my carry on.” 

Josh disappeared from the bathroom and Donna sat there and wondered what he’d gotten her. She didn’t have long to wait, he returned a couple of minutes later with one hand hidden behind his back as he walked over and sat down on the lid of the toilet. 

“I know I probably went a little overboard,” he said a little nervously. “But I saw this and thought of you.” 

She looked up at him. “Oh-kay.” 

Letting out a little breath he pulled his hand out from behind his back and held the box out to her. 

Donna’s breath caught in her throat when she saw it. “Josh...that’s...that’s a...” 

He frowned. “You’re not going to hyperventilate are you?” 

“Well, yes women when faced with an unexpected one of...those, have been known to hyperventilate,” she commented, her eyes still glued to the box clutched in his hand. “Although I think my problem right now is just remembering to ‘ventilate’ at all.” 

“It’s just a box, Donna.” 

“No, Josh...that’s a robin’s egg blue box from Tiffany’s.” 

“Well, since I got it at Tiffany’s, that’s a good thing,” he replied. She still hadn’t moved to take it from him. “Here, it’s yours. Don’t you want to see what’s in it?” 

Donna stared at the flat, 6-inch square box like it was a bomb. “I...oh, Josh you shouldn’t have.” 

“What do you mean I shouldn’t have?” he asked. “You haven’t even opened it. It could be a Tiffany’s keychain for all you know.” It wasn’t, but it was the quickest way he could think to calm her down about it. 

“Even a keychain would be too much, Josh. Last Christmas I tried getting CJ something from Tiffany’s. She’s a pretty classy woman, so I thought it would be fun to get her something from there. I figured the robin’s egg blue box would go with her baby blue mustang. I knew jewelry would be out of the question so I looked at the key chains. Josh, I couldn’t even afford the key chains. The cheapest one they had was silver, SILVER not gold or platinum, but sterling silver and it cost $70. $70! Needless to say I quickly left Tiffany’s before I, you know, breathed on something and ended having to pay the national debt for it.” 

”Well, that was quite the story there, Donnatella,” he said with a grin. “And I did notice that their key chains were kind of pricey, but don’t worry, I didn’t get you a key chain.” 

“Josh...!” she whined. 

“Just open it, Donna?” He shook it a little. “You know you want to.” 

“No, I don’t want to,” she argued, even though she REALLY, REALLY did. “’Cause if I do, I’ll fall in love with what’s in it and I’ll hate myself, and you, for loving it and it will be too expensive and I’ll have to make you take it back.” 

“Why would you make me take it back?” 

“Josh, technically, I’m still you’re assistant, ethics rules keep you from giving me such an expensive gift,” she pointed out. 

“There are ways around that,” he countered. 

“And what about the annual financial disclosure, Josh? What would the press say if they saw you’d bought me something from Tiffany’s?” 

“That I have good taste?” 

“Josh! Be serious.” 

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her that he didn’t care about the Press or financial disclosures or ethics rules, because he didn’t, but he knew she did so he didn’t say it. “I am being serious. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ll find a way to get around it. If worse comes to worst, I’ll tell them I gave it to my mother. I can buy her anything I want. Her birthday is coming up and if anyone says anything when you wear it, we can say she lent it to you.“ 

“I don’t want to lie, Josh,” she said quietly. 

“Then we just won’t say anything...please, Donna,” he pleaded. “I didn’t want this to be a thing. To be honest, when I was in Portland I went to Tiffany’s to buy an empty box to tease you with.” 

“They don’t sell empty Tiffany’s boxes,” Donna replied. 

“You tried that too, huh?” 

Donna nodded and gave him a lopsided smile. “Yes, I thought CJ might appreciate the box if nothing else, but the sales lady just smiled at me like I was a bag lady and told me had to buy something to get one.” 

“Right, I know the feeling. The guy helping me said the same thing and looked at me the same way,” he told her. “I was on my way out of the store when I saw this and it just...screamed, ‘buy me for Donna,’ so I did. Needless to say the clerk was much more friendly after that.” He stared at her for a long moment. 

“Donna, if you’re worried about...about the other thing. About me...about us...about me trying to buy you or pressure you, I swear I’m not...I just...I just thought it would look nice on you. No matter what happens between us, I want you to have it.” He swallowed. “Think of it as a thank you for every late night, every time I was short with you or said something especially stupid...please accept it. No strings attached. No expectations.” 

“God, Josh,” she breathed. “You make this so hard.” 

“I swear I’m not trying to. I just want to give you something nice.” 

Donna felt her heart melt. He was being so incredibly sweet. She felt like she was taking advantage of his feelings for her, but she also felt like she’d done everything to try and discourage him. Then there was the fact that she did love him and loved that he’d gone to so much trouble...not to mention that she REALLY wanted to see what was in the box. 

“Okay,” she said quietly. “Give me a towel so I can dry my hands off.” 

“Sure.” He pulled a hand towel off the rack and handed it to her. 

Donna thoroughly dried her hands off and handed him back the towel. Then she reached out and took the box from him. “I just hope I don’t drop it in the tub,” she said a little nervously. 

Holding it in her hands, she let out a breath and pulled on the white bow that held the box closed. She handed Josh the bow and gently removed the lid. Inside was another flat box, this time it was one made of velvet. Handing Josh the lid, she turned the bottom box over and the velvet one fell into her hand. She handed Josh the other half of the outer box and took a breath as she cradled the velvet one in her hand. Her heart was beating hard with anticipation as she lifted the hinged lid. 

“Oh, Josh,” she gasped. “It’s...well, beautiful doesn’t seem to cover it.” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

“Really? You really like it?” he asked hopefully. 

“How could I not love it?” she said looking down at the amazing bracelet he’d bought her. It was made up of 11 small silver flowers linked together with delicate silver links. In the center of each flower was a pink, purple or blue gemstone. She caressed it with her finger. “It’s... overwhelming. No one ever gave me something so beautiful.” 

“I know you wear pink a lot and I thought you might like the colors,” he explained. “It’s sterling silver with pink tourmaline, iolite, or amethyst in the center of the flowers. 

“I love the colors,” she whispered. 

She wanted so badly to kiss him then. Not because the gift was expensive or from Tiffany’s, but because she loved him and was immeasurably touched by his thoughtfulness. 

Once again part of her reared up and wanted to try and get him to take the bracelet back, but she realized that they had already covered all the reasons why he shouldn’t give it to her and why she shouldn’t accept it. She also knew that Josh had his pride. If she pushed it too much, she’d probably just end up hurting him or making him angry. 

She looked up at him. “Thank you, Josh,” she whispered instead. “This is the best present I’ve ever gotten.” 

His dimples jumped out as he grinned. “I’m glad you like it.” They were quiet for a moment. “So how are you feeling? Is the bath helping?” he asked. 

‘Having you here is helping the most,’ she thought. “Yeah, between the water warming my muscles and your visit and your beautiful gift warming my heart, I’m feeling pretty great right now.” 

“You’re quite the poet laureate tonight aren’t you, Donnatella?” 

She smiled. “I do my best.” Taking a long last look at the bracelet, she closed the top gently. “You better put it on the vanity before I drop it into the water,” she said handing it back to him. 

“Sure,” he took it from her and set it by the sink. 

“Josh, since we were talking about the Press earlier, maybe it would be a good time to bring up something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Since I’ve been here, there have been a number of calls.” 

Josh frowned. “What kind of calls?” 

“From the Press...about the courthouse.” 

“The Press?! CJ was supposed to take care of that,” he told her. 

“Don’t blame her, Josh. Calling them Press may be a bit generous. I think CJ has kept most of the legitimate Press in check,” Donna told him. “Your mom and I have been letting the answering machine screen the calls, but from what I can gather they’re mostly tabloids, a couple of Hollywood types who want to make a movie of the week...oh, and a really persistent guy from NBC that wants me or you or preferably both of us to do Dateline.” 

Josh sighed. “I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with that. I’ll talk to CJ and see if she can get them to back off.” 

Donna gave him a slight smile. “It’s no problem. Personally, I’m just glad they’re not camped out outside your building,” she commented. “In any case, I thought I should let you know.” 

“I appreciate that. If they call again, let me and CJ know.” 

“I will,” she promised. “Josh...?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Has CJ been getting a lot of pressure for me or you to do shows or give interviews for the papers? You know, about the courthouse?” 

“Yes, but that’s to be expected. The same thing happened after Rosslyn,” he commented. 

“Is it creating a problem?” 

“Not that I know of,” he told her. “CJ thinks it might die down if we gave an interview, but I told her no. Besides, there were other people in the courtroom. They’ve gotten most of the story from them.” 

Donna was quiet for a long moment and he watched as she stared down into the clear water. He had the feeling that she had something on her mind. “Donna?” 

“Hmmm?” 

“Penny for your thoughts,” he said. 

She smiled softly as she continued to look down into the water. “What’s that old saying, ‘they’re not worth that much’?” 

“Would you tell me what they are anyway?” he asked gently. 

“I’m just glad that you told CJ no.” She said absently. With a sigh she looked up at him. “The story of us...of what happened to us in that courtroom and since then is just too...personal...too big to put into a column of a paper or fit into a two hour movie or even a one or two hour news program.” 

“I know,” he said quietly. He understood exactly what she meant. 

“I mean, you can say what you want to whoever you want and if it’s a big problem for you or the White House and if you really think it’s for the best, I’ll say what you want,” she told him. “...but I’d really just like to keep it...in here,” she said laying her lightly over her heart. 

Her other hand was resting on the edge of the tub and he covered it with his. “Then that’s where it should stay. You don’t have to say anything to anyone you don’t want to.” He paused. “It makes me feel good to know you’re keeping our story safe.” 

She smiled genuinely at him and something inside him eased...a little weight was lifted and he was so glad that he’d come to see her. 

“And when I have something to say...” he began. “I don’t need some reporter to say it to, I just need my best friend.” 


	37. Trial by Fire 36

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 36**

_To: whodaman@aol.com_  
From: "impervious"   
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 18:22:08 -0000  
Subject: All the news that’s fit to print 

_Dearest Josh,_

__

I know you have a meeting tonight so I thought I’d send you an e-mail instead of calling. 

Although you only left yesterday morning (miss you already, by the way,) I have news to tell you. I saw Dr. Scott this morning (he said to tell you ‘hi’ - did you know he calls you ‘my shadow’?) and he had new x-rays taken of my back. Apparently, six weeks is the earliest that bone growth after spinal fusion surgery can be seen on an x-ray, although it can take as long as 8 weeks or never if the body rejects the grafts. Anyway, it’s been just a little over six weeks since my surgery and the good news is that he found signs of definite bone growth in the new x-rays. There was enough growth that he could even show it to us (‘us’ being me and your mom), we both cried happily to see that my body is apparently doing what it’s supposed to be doing. 

After my appointment with Dr. Scott, your mom dropped me off at hydro-therapy (aka, “swim class”), while she went to run some errands. This isn’t the whirlpool I get to sit in after my standard physical therapy, I’m talking about actually getting into the regular pool. Mostly, it’s me trying to ‘walk’ in the water (while being supported in a special floating sling) or hanging onto the side and trying kick my feet. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE swim therapy (and no, my hydro-therapist is not a man)? I feel like I get a good workout without feeling like a pretzel or that my muscles are tied into knots. Did you know they use hydro-therapy for thoroughbred horses with leg injuries? It provides resistance without impact and the buoyancy helps take much of the weight off the injury. Sorry...that was my little trivia detour for this e-mail. (Yeah, yeah, I know, and the ‘s’ word will cost me another dollar in the ‘Josh Jar’). Now, getting back to the hydro-therapy...when I was in the rehab hospital I had it 5 days a week and it was great. I had forgotten how much I love swimming (thank God the pool is heated). It’s also as close as I get to feeling mobile these days (sans wheelchair mobile, I mean). 

OH! I also thought of a few new IM screen names for us. Now, don’t laugh, some of them are weird and some require an explanation, but I’ll throw them out and you can help narrow the field. Here are my top 10 names - 6 for you and 4 for me (it was easier narrowing mine): 

You:  
luvdamets (this should be self explanatory)   
kegofglory (you know, the one you’re always drinking from?)   
suckywatch (I couldn’t help it, you know how I am about your watch)  
sickofcongress (because you so often are)   
outdoorsman (I know you like to think of yourself as one)  
wontstop4beer (You’ve proven the truth of this one over and over again) 

Me:  
bringnocoffee (another one that needs no explanation)   
philatelyisfun (this is one of my favorites)  
dontmockdarules (well, I just have to remind you once in a while)  
wontstop4redlights (I’d like to think I’ve proven the truth in this one too) 

Anyway, that’s what I came up with. Let me know what you think or if you’ve thought of any others on your own. 

Your mother has continued to feed me and I’m sure her wonderful cooking will have me fattened up in no time (especially the regular feeding of her matzo ball soup now that I can actually eat some of the matzo balls). Sam and Ainsley called and asked if they could come over for a visit, so your mom invited them over for dinner tomorrow which should be fun (don’t worry, your mom and I won’t tell them you snuck home for a visit). Although I have been getting regular phone calls from Sam and Ainsley, as well as, CJ, and Toby, this will be the first actual visit (other than your nocturnal one) I’ve had since I’ve been home from the rehab hospital. 

Oh, Mrs. Bartlet also called to personally invite your mother and me to her birthday party at the White House next weekend. A handwritten invitation arrived for us last week, but we hadn’t had a chance to respond. I think what Mrs. Bartlet really wanted to do was check up on me, which is really very sweet. At first I was going to tell her we weren’t going to attend. Normally, I’d be thrilled to be invited to and to attend a birthday party for Mrs. Bartlet. The problem is that it’s going to be a formal function at the White House. It occurred to me that not only would there be a crowd (the idea of which makes me a little nervous, especially with my wheelchair), but I’d also probably have to answer all sorts of questions (not the least of which would be 300 variations of ‘how are you’?). Then there’s the fact that I’d be on display like some sideshow freak. 

However, as you can imagine, your mother and Mrs. Bartlet can be very persuasive. They both agreed it would be good for me to get out of the apartment for something other than therapy or a doctor’s appointment. What sealed it for me was the fact that I got your mom to promise to go with me (and stay close) and Mrs. Bartlet promised to provide me with two Secret Service agents during the party. They’ll keep an eye on me during the party and keep away anyone that might get a little too nosy. 

Now all I have to do is find a dress. Should be a neat trick I know, not to mention I don’t know how I’m going to pay for it. I’m going shopping with CJ, Ainsley, and your mom this weekend so we can all find something to wear. I’m tired already. 

So how are things going in San Francisco? How’s the campaign office there? Are you behaving yourself? Aleutian Islands, Josh. Remember, Aleutian Islands. 

>From what you told me, you should be heading to Los Angeles tomorrow afternoon, right? I assume you’ll be meeting with Joey Lucas (and Kenny, presumably) to talk about polling. Give her my best. I always did like Joey. You know...if you wanted to...ask her out while you’re there, that would be okay with me...I mean you don’t have to be a monk or anything. 

Well, I guess that’s all for now. I hope you’re well and taking care of yourself. As always I’ll be sure to keep you posted about any new developments on the health front. 

All my best,  
Donna

Two hours later, Donna checked her e-mail before she turned in for the night and found that Josh had sent her a reply. 

_To: impervious@yahoo.com_  
From: "whodaman"   
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 21:22:08 -0000  
Subject: Re: All the news that’s fit to print 

_Donnatella Ann Moss,_

__

Yes, I am using your full name. I’m doing it while giving you my ‘stern face’...no, wait, not my stern face, my ‘angry’ face. Yes, I’m giving you my ’angry’ face. This is to let you know that I am very, very serious about what I’m going to say. 

I just got back from my meeting to find your e-mail and while there are many positive things I’m going to comment on in a moment, first I’d like to get something out of the way right off the bat. 

I do not want Joey Lucas. 

I considered calling you, but I was a little afraid of what I would say without the editing power of e-mail. By writing down my response to your e-mail, I’ve been able to do a couple of drafts of this part and in doing so, I’ve been able to calm down a bit. 

I swear Donna, if you’re trying to piss me off, it’s working. I have no plans (nor do I WANT to have any plans) to see Joey in anything other than a professional or friendly capacity when I’m in Los Angeles. Joey’s a great colleague and I’d even go so far as to say she’s a good friend, but that’s where it stops. So stop trying to push me at her. It’s not going to work and it’s only going to make me mad (but not mad enough to stop loving you or give up on you, so don’t try that tactic either). Now, I hope I’ve made myself clear, because I don’t plan on having this discussion with you again. 

No more misdirection Donna. I love YOU, not Joey. PERIOD. 

Sigh...okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I can move onto other things. 

I’m so happy to hear about your visit to Dr. Scott and the bone growth he found on the x-rays! I knew your body just needed some time to heal itself. I also can’t believe it’s been more than six weeks since your fusion surgery. Time just seems to be flying by. Of course me being on the road doesn’t help, but I’m past the halfway point for this trip so hopefully the rest of the time will pass quickly too and I’ll be back in D.C. before I know it. 

I knew you liked your hydro-therapy, but I had no idea you liked swimming so much. Hmmm, you in a slinky bathing suit, now there would be something I’d like to see. I’m thinking of you lying on some sugar white sand beach in Hawaii working on your tan. Or maybe you’d look better on one of those black sand beaches they have. It would be more of a contrast with that alabaster skin you’re always talking about. One thing’s for sure, no matter what kind of beach it is, it would have to be secluded, because I don’t want any other guys ogling you (but me of course)! 

Okay, now we come to the funny part. The IM screen names. You are quite creative there, Donnatella! Most of the names had me laughing out loud, but the ones I ended up picking as my top choices touched me immensely. First the ones that made me laugh out loud. 

luvdamets (I like the idea but the wording is a little girly)  
kegofglory (this one had definite possibilities probably my 2nd choice)  
suckywatch (I’m never going to hear the end of that, am I?)  
sickofcongress (I wouldn’t be if they would just do what I tell them )  
bringnocoffee (as if I would forget that you won’t bring me coffee)  
philatelyisfun (LOVED this one - it would be my 2nd choice for you) 

And now for the ones I’d choose as our new screen names:   
‘wontstop4beer’ and ‘wontstop4redlights’ 

They have a nice ying/yang thing going on, it reflects on the very special conversation we had that night in my office and like you said we’ve both shown that if either of us is hurt or in pain, we won’t stop for anything. 

Okay, can I just say that I am completely jealous? You’re getting my mom’s matzo ball soup! I haven’t had her homemade matzo ball soup since she moved to Florida. Can you PLEASE get her to promise to make it for me when I get home? 

It’s nice that you and mom are having Sam and Ainsley over for dinner. As for telling them about my visit, you can let them in on it. I don’t think anyone would really care. I paid for my plane ticket to D.C. on my own dime and I still got back to San Francisco in time for my meeting. In fact, knowing Leo and his freakish ability to know things, he’s probably already well aware of my quick trip home. 

I’m not surprised Mrs. B. invited you and mom to her party and also called to check on you. She’s always been very fond of you. During the first campaign I’m sure she was happy to have you there to keep me out of her hair. Now, that being said, don’t let my mom and the First Lady talk you into going to the party if you don’t feel ready. While it probably would be good for you to get out and if you want to go then I say you should go, but don’t let them push you around (and you would NOT be on display like a circus freak...so stop saying things like that!). 

I’m sorry that I can’t be there to go with you. I’m scheduled to be in Texas with Hoynes next weekend. He and I are going to strategize a bit and we’ll be touring many of the state offices together. Our schedule is pretty packed and I’m even staying with him and Suzanne at their home in San Antonio so there just isn’t any time when I can sneak away for a quick trip to D.C. 

Don’t worry about the dress, mom has all but one of my credit cards (after all, I needed something to live on while I’m on the road), tell her to charge her dress and yours to me. I know it took a lot for you to accept the bracelet from me, so if accepting a fancy dress is going to be too much, we’ll consider the money for the dress as a loan and you can pay me back for it when you’re able. As for finding one, I’m sure with CJ, Ainsley and my mom at your side you’ll have no trouble finding something you like. 

Well...that’s all for now. I am indeed leaving San Francisco and heading to L.A. tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll check-in with you when I get there. Stay well, keep up the good work with your therapy and definitely keep me informed about any new developments on the health front. Give mom a kiss for me and I’ll talk to you soon. 

All my love,  
Josh

Donna sighed at Josh’s comment at the beginning of the e-mail about wanting to see her lying on a beach in Hawaii. She appreciated him saying it, but had he already forgotten that her body wasn’t exactly in the best of shape? Although, in time, she would theoretically gain back the weight she’d lost, there would always be her scars. Yeah, her in a bikini was a really attractive thought. Even a one piece bathing suit wouldn’t solve everything. While it would hide the scars on her stomach, she doubted even a one piece would be enough to hide the 14-inch scar on her back. 

She ran a hand through her hair. Well, he’d taken her Joey Lucas suggestion about like she’d thought he would...but apparently he’d still forgiven her for it. She felt like she was trying to do the right thing, but Josh seemed to be determined to thwart her at every turn. She wanted to be frustrated with him for it, but the truth was she was more frustrated with herself for being so happy that he was standing firm. 

Then she felt guilty for feeling happy because if she felt happy, it seemed to her like she’d been testing him, which had never been her intention. Donna honestly liked Joey and thought that if she couldn’t be with Josh, then Joey would be her next choice. Kind of like a wife, choosing someone to replace her if she died. 

‘But what if I had been, however unconsciously, testing him? Testing his loyalty? Testing his commitment to me?’ she wondered. ‘Well, then, that would make me a pretty small person, wouldn’t it?’ 

All this time, she’d been telling herself that Josh would hurt her...would break her heart, but maybe it wasn’t Josh she should be scared of...maybe she shouldn’t look any farther than her own mirror. So far, SHE’D been the one to run like a scared rabbit and SHE’D been the one to throw up walls between them. He’d done nothing but stick by her side and be devoted, patient, and generous to a fault. 

It was quite the sobering moment for her. 

This new knowledge was yet another chink in the walls she’d built between them, a big chink and it was something she’d really have to think about. She sighed, but right now, she needed to send him a reply. Laying her hands on the keyboard she began to type. 

_To: whodaman@aol.com_  
From: "impervious"   
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 22:05:08 -0000  
Subject: Re: Re: All the news that’s fit to print 

_Josh,_

__

Don’t get your boxers in a twist, I wasn’t trying to piss you off with the Joey thing...okay, maybe I was...a little (see I can be honest too), but I was only doing it to try and make you see you have options. All right, all right, I’ll stop talking about it. I’m sorry. We’ll call the “Joey discussion” (and any more like it) off limits from now on. 

Moving on... 

You picked the EXACT screen names I wanted. I just thought I should give you a choice and a chance to weigh in before I told you what I wanted. I’ll set up the Yahoo IM accounts for both the names and will send you the login info. Any idea when you want to have our next IM session? I know that you’re going to be pretty busy while you’re in L.A. for the next few days, so let me know if you can think of a time that would work with your schedule. 

Your mom has already turned in for the night, but I’m sure that I can persuade her to make matzo ball soup for you when you get home. 

Taking into account what you, your mom and Mrs. Bartlet said, I’m feeling better about going to the party. Thanks for your words of encouragement. By the way, do you think we could set up a time for an IM session for after the party? Would you have the time? Or could you make time? I’m sure I’ll want to unwind a bit afterward and tell you all about it. If you don’t have time it’s fine, I just thought I would ask. 

Speaking of your schedule, it would be great if you could be here in person for the party, but I understand about you needing to be in Texas. Just try not to let Hoynes get you all worked up. Don’t look so confused. I know you used to work for Hoynes, but I also know that you recognize he’s not the ‘the guy’ and that sometimes his attitude about things makes you a little crazy. Plus the fact that I suspect he resents you a little for what he sees as defecting to the other camp and probably enjoys baiting you. Just try and count to 10...no 20...before you get mad at him. 

Thank you for the sweet offer about the dress for the party. To be honest, when CJ and your mom suggested going shopping I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it. I guess part of me figured I wouldn’t find anything that I liked and if I did then I’d cross that bridge when I came to it. Consequently, I don’t know how else I would be able to get a dress without your help. I will let you pay for it now, but it will definitely be a loan. 

Well, I guess I’ll close there. If I don’t talk to you before you leave tomorrow, have a safe trip and I’ll talk to you when you get into your hotel in L.A. Be safe and do good. 

All my best,  
Donna

********** 

Josh moved on to Los Angeles and met with Joey and Kenny about polling and began visiting the campaign offices. While it had been good to see Joey and Kenny and the weather was great, Josh couldn’t work up much enthusiasm for being in Los Angeles. 

It would be different, he knew, if Donna had been there. In addition to helping him with all the campaign stuff, she’d want to see Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, The Hollywood Bowl...well, she’d want to see everything there was to see. And seeing it with her would make him want to see it too. 

More and more Josh found himself counting not the days, but the MINUTES until he’d be able to get back to D.C....and Donna. He’d called her on Friday when he got to the hotel and finished wrestling with the door to his room. Then on Saturday, they’d e-mailed and had a brief IM session to try out their new screen names. Sunday he’d had a breakfast and three meetings all at separate locations so there had been no time to communicate with her, plus he knew that she and the ‘girls’ were going shopping all day for their dresses. By the time he dragged himself back to his hotel room early Sunday evening, not only was he exhausted, but he was definitely missing his daily ‘Donna fix.’ 

A smile crossed his face when he opened his laptop, checked his e-mail and found a message from Donna. 

_To: whodaman@aol.com_  
From: "impervious"   
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 18:20:01 -0000  
Subject: Feeling like a mannequin 

_Dearest Josh,_

__

I am EXHAUSTED. I even brought the laptop with me into bed because I just had to get out of my wheelchair and get horizontal for a bit and I’m not the only one. Even your mom was tired and decided to lay down for a nap after she made sure I was settled. I’m going to take a nap too, but I wanted to e-mail you first. You and I have both been so busy today that we haven’t had a chance to talk and I miss talking to you, Even if it is only by e-mail. 

Like I said, I’m exhausted, we must have hit every dress and department store in D.C. and suburban Maryland. But! I have emerged triumphant from the shopping wars. I found a dress. Actually we all found dresses. Ainsley found a beautiful black and white one, CJ picked out a lovely gray/silver one, and your mom chose an amazing caramel colored one. Mine is inspired if I do say so myself. It’s a kind of an iridescent, icy pink raspberry and it looks beautiful with my skin. It will also go perfectly with a certain bracelet that someone gave me. Do you think it would be all right if I wore the bracelet to the party? It’s such a big function and there will be lots of people there...I don’t want it to be a thing, but I’d sure like to wear it. 

The only problem with my dress is that it’s sleeveless with a v-neckline and with the current very thin state of my body that’s not necessarily the best look for me (actually most things had that problem). However, your mother convinced me to still get it because it would look perfect on me once I get back to the right weight. In the meantime we found a silver pashmina (you probably don’t know what that is - think shawl/wrap) to put over my shoulders and arms which actually looks quite nice. I also got the dress in one size larger than I can wear right now so I can grow into it. 

Oh! By the way, you probably already know this from Sam but Ainsley is getting a new office! A real one, not in the bowels of the building. No more ‘Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.’ As you can imagine she is SO excited and was telling us all about it while we were shopping. She gets to officially move in tomorrow. Oliver Babbish is also considering promoting her from Associate White House Counsel to Deputy White House Counsel. 

Ahhh, well I’m yawning like crazy and my eye lids feel like they’ve got weights tied to them so I’m going to sign off, but I will sign on after my nap. I hope all your meetings went well today. If you didn’t do it today, please try and remember to eat something healthy tomorrow. Take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you soon. 

All my best,  
Donna

Josh was feeling pretty tired himself, but her e-mail had definitely picked up his spirits and he wanted to send her an e-mail so she’d have something waiting when she woke up from her nap. 

_To: impervious@yahoo.com_  
From: "whodaman"   
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 23:07:23 -0000  
Subject: Re: Feeling like a mannequin 

_Hey,_

__

I hope you had a good nap. I can sympathize with your exhaustion. I’m so tired right now I can hardly see straight. The only thing keeping me from falling right into bed was the need to sit down and send you an e-mail. As usual, you were already way ahead of me. You have NO idea how happy I was to see your e-mail in my inbox. You weren’t the only one who missed us talking today. 

I’m SO glad today is over. I swear, if there had been one more hand to shake I would have thrown myself under a bus. It’s like everyone here in the good ole’ City of Angels has their producer/schmoozer hat on and they all want a piece of me and by extension, the President. The good news is that I don’t think I pissed anybody off and I’ll be able to call this leg of the trip a success. I’ve got one more meeting tomorrow morning and then I fly to Phoenix. Then it’s on to Albuquerque and then Texas on Friday. I’m hoping that things in Phoenix and Albuquerque won’t be quite so frantic. I’d like a semi-break to rest up FROM Los Angeles and to rest up FOR Texas. 

I’m glad you found a dress, it sounds like a beautiful color. Be sure to take some pictures. At the very least when I get home I’ll have to take you and mom somewhere fancy so you can wear your dresses for me. Of course you can wear your bracelet to the party! It sounds like it’s the perfect color to go with your dress and I’d like to know that you’re wearing it rather than just leaving it in your jewelry box. 

Sam told me about Ainsley’s new office, but he didn’t say anything about her possible promotion. It’s great news! I had to laugh though. It seems like Sam calls me every 5 minutes for one thing or another. About 80% of the time he ends up mentioning something about Ainsley, the guy is really in love with her (he mentions her almost as much as I mention you). It’s good to see him so happy. You know for all of Sam’s charm and good looks he’s never done that well with women. I’m glad that he has Ainsley now. A relationship with her will give him some balance and I think he’ll be a better person for it (even if she is a Republican ). 

By the way, my breakfast meeting this morning was another pow-wow with Joey and Kenny, this time it was more about opposition research on Ritchie than it was about polling. Joey and Kenny both asked about you (as you know, the thing at the courthouse garnered national attention and they even heard the story out here in ‘la-la land’) and they send you their best wishes. From what the President has said, I think he’ll be bringing Joey and Kenny to D.C. for the last 6 months of the campaign to oversee the sampling polls. 

Okay, now I’m the one who feels like I’ve got lead weights attached to my eyes, so I’m going to close. I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon, probably from the airport while I’m waiting for my flight to Phoenix. As I recall, I can’t call you any earlier because you have therapy for most of the morning (which I hope is productive and doesn’t leave you feeling too ‘pretzel-like’). Give mom a kiss for me and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. 

All my love,  
Josh

********** 

The next week flew by for both of them. Donna was busy with her usual rounds of therapy and doctor visits, and making sure she had everything, including a present for Mrs. Bartlet, that she and Sarah needed for the party. Her body continued to slowly get stronger and more responsive to her commands and she was taking less and less pain medication, which pleased her to no end. There had been a couple times where she’d worried about becoming dependent on them. 

As for Josh, he got through Phoenix and Albuquerque without incident and while there was still plenty of hand shaking and pow-wowing with campaign staffers and endless ‘cheerleading’ meetings to get the supporters and contributors fired up, it wasn’t as hectic as things had been in Los Angeles so he had a little time to recharge his batteries for Texas. Josh felt like he was going to need all his energy for Texas. And not just to meet with the usual rounds of campaign staffers and contributors and Bartlet supporters, but to deal with John Hoynes. One way he’d recharged those batteries was to talk to Donna in some fashion at least twice a day during that week. 

Donna had been right about his relationship with Hoynes, although Josh had never realized she understood it so completely. He did have kind of a love-hate thing going on with the VP. On the one hand, Josh saw a lot of potential in Hoynes and a deep love for the country and for politics. On the other, Josh knew that Hoynes wasn’t quite up to being the ‘real thing’ that Jed Bartlet was. Hoynes had always been more interested in what was popular than what was right. Like some twisted version of a beauty contest, Hoynes just didn’t quite have the ‘it’ factor that the President did. Josh had lost count of the times he’d silently thanked Leo for sending him to the VFW hall in New Hampshire. 

Josh had tried to camouflage his opinion of Hoynes, his disappointment in the man he’d once hoped to put in the White House, but as anyone who knew Josh could attest, hiding his opinion had never been one of his strong suits. Of course he’d always been polite to Hoynes, just as he would have been with anyone who could potentially be a powerful ally, but he kept Hoynes at a definite arm’s length. Then again by keeping Hoynes at arm’s length he could still keep a very close eye on him, because while Josh did not overestimate the VP, he didn’t underestimate him either. Having worked for the man, he had a pretty clear idea of what he was capable of. 

Something new that did concern Josh about Hoynes were the sporadic and whispered reports he’d been hearing about the possibility of some kind of repeated sexual misconduct on Hoynes’ part. For the most part, Josh had chalked up the stories to gossip and hearsay. He knew John Hoynes was not a saint, but he refused to believe what he’d been hearing. The Press and the Republicans would have enough ammunition against the administration without Hoynes being that stupid. 

Plus, Josh assumed that John’s wife Suzanne wouldn’t have stood for it. From what he knew of her, Josh thought of Suzanne Hoynes as a shark wrapped in the image of a genteel Texas rose. In public, the brunette was charming and gracious and did a lot of community service work, but in private, Josh had pretty much gathered that she fell in the ‘mean brunette’ category with Amy and Mandy. 

Maybe that was another reason why he kept John Hoynes at arm’s length and why he was SO thankful that Leo had sent him to New Hampshire. Hoynes reminded Josh a little too much of what he could have been if he’d stuck with Amy or Mandy. Not the part about being VP, but being half of a power couple that looked one way on the outside and another on the inside. 

With Donna he was who he was and if, no when, they evolved into a power couple, Josh knew that what you saw on the outside would be what you saw on the inside. That was the thing about Donna, it brought out the best and the brightest in him. They weren’t just a team to gain power or prestige, but because they needed each other like the air to breathe. That was his opinion anyway, and given some time he hoped it would be Donna’s as well. 

He’d been to the Hoynes’ home, or more accurately, large palatial mansion, in one of the most affluent neighborhoods outside of San Antonio twice before. The first time had been when he’d worked in then Senator John Hoynes’ office and the second had been during the first Bartlet campaign swing through Texas. 

He flew into San Antonio late Friday night and considered waiting until Saturday morning to call and check in with Donna, but it had become their ritual that he call her when he got to his hotel, or in this case the Hoynes’ home, in a new city so Donna would know he got there all right. He knew she’d be waiting up for his call. It made him feel warm inside to know she was waiting for him. Because it was late and Josh was beat, they didn’t speak very long, but one thing they did discuss was their appointment to have an IM session the following night after Mrs. Bartlet’s birthday party. What Josh hadn’t told her was that he’d rearranged two meetings just so he could be there to talk to her. 

After saying goodnight and hanging up, they both slept better for having spoken to each other. 

********** 

Josh had meeting after meeting on Saturday and he made it back just in time for their IM, but he was a bit worried to see that Donna hadn’t done the same. He called the apartment but only got the machine and when he called Donna’s cell phone he only got her voice mail. A half hour later he was about ready to call Sam, Toby, CJ and if necessary, the Secret Service, when he was relieved to see Donna sign on to Yahoo! IM. 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yeah? 

**wontstop4beer:** Where have you been? I was starting to get worried! 

**wontstop4redlights:** You’re not the only one. 

**wontstop4beer:** Why? What’s wrong? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Nothing, it’s fine. 

**wontstop4beer:** From the tone of your response, and given the fact that you’re 30 minutes late, it doesn’t sound like nothing. Did you and mom make it to the party? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Snort...yeah. 

**wontstop4beer:** Well...how was it? 

**wontstop4redlights:** It was...surreal. 

**wontstop4beer:** Why? What happened? 

**wontstop4redlights:** I’m Canadian! That’s what happened! 

**wontstop4beer:** ??????? 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna, what the hell are you talking about? Please don’t tell me you’ve been drinking, you know you’re not supposed to drink with your medication. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I haven’t been drinking, Josh! Not a drop! But that doesn’t change the fact that I am, however, still CANADIAN! 

**wontstop4beer:** Okay, let’s both take a deep breath. Now, why don’t you back up and start from the beginning to explain why you think you’re a Canadian? 

**wontstop4redlights:** “I” don’t think I am...the INS thinks I am. 

**wontstop4beer:** The INS? What have they got to do with it? 

**wontstop4redlights:** I had to talk to them before the Secret Service would let me into Mrs. Bartlet’s party. 

**wontstop4beer:** I’m still lost here. Start from when you and mom left the apartment to go to the party and talk me through it. 

**wontstop4redlights:** It’s so depressing, Josh, do I have to? 

**wontstop4beer:** Please? I can’t help if you don’t tell me. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Sigh...okay. Your mom and I both got all dressed up and even though I had to wear the pashmina, we both looked great if I do say so myself (and the bracelet looked amazing ). Anyway...Mrs. Bartlet sent a car for me and your mom which was SO thoughtful. It took us to the White House portico where the two Secret Service agents she promised us were waiting and they escorted us inside. 

**wontstop4beer:** Okay, sounds good so far. 

**wontstop4redlights:** That’s because I haven’t gotten to the surreal part yet. 

**wontstop4beer:** All right...go on. 

**wontstop4redlights:** The agents informed me that they wouldn’t be able to let me into the party yet. I had to meet with someone from INS. As you can imagine, this took me and your mother completely by surprise. I asked them to explain and they said when a routine background check was done on the guest list, including me, they found an INS notation next to my name. 

**wontstop4beer:** What kind of notation? 

**wontstop4redlights:** U.S. Citizen: N 

**wontstop4beer:** They’re saying you’re not a U.S. Citizen???!!!! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Now you see where the surreal part came in. 

**wontstop4beer:** Why the hell would they put a notation like that by your name? 

**wontstop4redlights:** The agents wouldn’t say. They just told me I’d have to wait until a guy from the INS got there and he would explain. Your mother was livid. Since she had no problem getting into the party she went to find someone to help us out. 

**wontstop4beer:** I’ll bet she was livid. I KNEW I should have been there. 

**wontstop4redlights:** There’s no way you could have known this was going to happen, Josh. 

**wontstop4beer:** I know, but...okay, did you talk to someone from INS? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes, the little piss-ant showed up 20 minutes later, looking smug and superior. He and I went into the Mural Room and he informed me that I wasn’t a U.S. citizen. 

**wontstop4beer:** That’s ridiculous, of course you’re a U.S. citizen! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes, Josh, I know that and you know that, but the INS apparently DOESN’T know that! It doesn’t seem to matter to them I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, grew up in Wisconsin and now live in Washington. Nor does it seem to matter to them that I’ve voted in every election since I was 18, paid taxes as a U.S. citizen and have a birth certificate and a passport that both say I’m a U.S. citizen! 

**wontstop4beer:** Did the INS guy say WHY they don’t think you’re a U.S. citizen? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes...and you’re not going to believe this. But they just reclarified the border between Minnesota and Canada and the place where I was born is now 4 miles INSIDE Manitoba, Canada. Missed it by 4 stupid miles! 

**wontstop4beer:** You’re kidding? 

**wontstop4redlights:** I am definitely NOT kidding. 

**wontstop4beer:** Okay...what are they going to do about it? 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna? 

**wontstop4redlights:** They’re working on it. 

**wontstop4beer:** They’re working on it? What kind of an answer is that? 

**wontstop4redlights:** The only one he would give me! I swear Josh, if you’d met this little...toad...from INS you would have ripped off at least one of his appendages. He was such a little bureaucrat. 

**wontstop4beer:** You know Donna, there are people who would say the same about me. 

**wontstop4redlights:** You’ve got nothing on this guy, trust me, Josh! He was puffed up with his own power and self importance. 

**wontstop4beer:** Well, again I point out a possible parallel. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Please tell me you’re not mocking me now. 

**wontstop4beer:** I’m not mocking you, I’m...mocking the situation. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Josh! 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna...I’m sure there’s a way for you to become a U.S. citizen again. They must have some mechanism for the people that are affected by the change. A grandfather clause or something. You wouldn’t be the only one caught in this, you know. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes, I know, but right now, I’M the only one I care about. 

**wontstop4beer:** And that’s perfectly understandable. 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna...it’s going to be all right. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I know...it’s just that I don’t want there to be something else I need to worry about...like being deported. 

**wontstop4beer:** You’re not going to be deported, Donna. I would never let that happen. I’ll fix this, don’t worry. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Thanks, Josh. 

**wontstop4beer:** Or at the very least, I’ll help you get your green card. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Josh! 

**wontstop4beer:** I’m kidding! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Ha, ha, very funny. 

**wontstop4beer:** Does this mean that you’re going to start watching hockey and only drink Labatt’s Blue beer? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Josh! 

**wontstop4beer:** Oh, come on, you don’t think this situation is just a little bit funny? 

**wontstop4beer:** Donna? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Well...I guess...in a certain light...and many years from now...it could be considered...amusing. 

**wontstop4beer:** Yes, it will definitely go in the Donnatella Moss Treasure Trove of Tales. 

**wontstop4redlights:** What am I going to do Josh? I’m a Canadian. 

**wontstop4beer:** Seriously, Donna, don’t worry. If I have to go to the head of the INS to fix this, I will. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I appreciate that Josh, but what I’m getting at is I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen. We don't do that. And I’m quickly developing a massive inferiority complex. 

**wontstop4beer:** And she’s back! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Thank you, folks, I’ll be here all week, try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waiters. 

**wontstop4beer:** LOL. So did you ever actually make it INTO the party? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes. After the INS toad left, the agents took me to the party. 

**wontstop4beer:** How was it? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Gorgeous. The President (or whoever made the arrangements) did a wonderful job. The decorations, the cake, the elegant men and beautiful gowns, everything looked amazing. 

**wontstop4beer:** There were men in beautiful gowns at the party???? 

**wontstop4redlights:** ‘And beautiful gowns,’ I said, Josh. Not, ‘in beautiful gowns.’ The men were in tuxes. 

**wontstop4beer:** LOL, oh, okay. So how did you do around all the people? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Actually, as it turns out, I wasn’t there that long. 

**wontstop4beer:** ??? Why? Did you and mom come home early? No, that can’t be right, you were late getting home for our IM session. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I was kidnapped. 

**wontstop4beer:** What?!!! 

**wontstop4redlights:** LOLOLOL! I wish I could have seen your face just then. It was just a figure of speech Josh! 

**wontstop4redlights:** About the time I actually got to the party, your mom turned up with the cavalry. 

**wontstop4beer:** Sam and Toby? 

**wontstop4redlights:** CJ, Mrs. Bartlet, and Ainsley (I think your mom and Mrs. Bartlet have become fast friends). 

**wontstop4beer:** Ah, the Sisterhood. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yes, indeed. Apparently Sam and Toby were otherwise occupied. 

**wontstop4beer:** Doing what? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Well, according to Ainsley, Sam was off somewhere talking to Senator Enlow about a superconducting supercollider thing-a-ma-jig. 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah, Enlow’s on Senate appropriations and one of Sam’s professors from Princeton is heading the project. 

**wontstop4redlights:** And Toby apparently got volunteered to talk to Lord Marbury. 

**wontstop4beer:** Lucky him. What was Toby supposed to talk to him about? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Well, from what I could piece together, it was something about inviting an IRA guy named McGann to the White House. 

**wontstop4beer:** Oh, yeah, the British Parliament and the Prime Minister wouldn’t be very happy about that. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Anyway, since the Brotherhood was ‘el occupado,’ the Sisterhood, led by your mother, came riding to my rescue. Of course by then I was already free on my own recognizance. 

**wontstop4beer:** So they kidnapped you? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yep. They were carrying glasses and bottles of wine. Mrs. Bartlet wanted to take a break from the party for a bit. Apparently there’s some bad news coming out in the next couple of days about whether or not Mrs. Bartlet’s medical license will be suspended for a year. 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah, Leo and the President (and Mrs. Bartlet, of course) have been waiting to hear from Dr. Nolan, the final member of the New Hampshire Medical Board. Word is that the board is split and he’s the deciding vote. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Right, I got that there was some kind of conflict of interest or personal relationship and so it looks like he’s going to recuse himself. 

**wontstop4beer:** Crap. That’s a tough break for Mrs. B. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Yeah, I could tell she was pretty unhappy about it. 

**wontstop4beer:** So where did they take you? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Up to the residence where I proceeded to watch them get mildly hammered on wine. 

**wontstop4beer:** That must have been quite a sight to see. 

**wontstop4redlights:** You have no idea. It’s always an interesting experience being the only sober one. 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah, I...hey...even my mom got drunk? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Well, drunk is pretty strong...let’s just say your mom got really tipsy. 

**wontstop4beer:** Now, I’ve seen CJ drunk, but what are Ainsley and Mrs. B like when they get drunk? 

**wontstop4redlights:** LOL, you mean you don’t want to know what your mom is like when she’s tipsy? 

**wontstop4beer:** No! That’s knowledge I’d just as soon not have. 

**wontstop4redlights:** You’re no fun! Anyway, Ainsley’s accent gets thicker and she chatters on like you wouldn’t believe, but she’s SO funny you don’t care! She is SO in love with Sam. It’s really cute to see. 

As for Mrs. Bartlet, she was still lamenting her medical career so she was a cross between pissed and melancholy. 

**wontstop4beer:** I can imagine. 

**wontstop4redlights:** They also asked me when I was coming back to work. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Josh...? 

**wontstop4beer:** What did you say? 

**wontstop4redlights:** I told them the truth, I told them I didn’t know. You and I haven’t talked about this yet. Not in anything but abstract terms I mean. 

**wontstop4beer:** I know we haven’t. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I guess I could go back to working half days, I mean I could get around the White House in my wheelchair, but I get tired so easily and I’ve still got all my therapy and doctor’s appointments. I know that sounds like a cop out. 

**wontstop4beer:** No, it doesn’t. Not at all. First of all you know that Dr. Scott said that the earliest you could even think about going back to work is three months from your surgery date. And that’s still about six weeks away. Until then, it’s rest and therapy. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I know....I guess I just haven’t been thinking about stuff like that. Most of the time I’m just trying to focus on the day that’s ahead of me. Sometimes even that can be a huge hurdle. 

**wontstop4beer:** I know it is. I felt the same way after Rosslyn. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I remember. 

**wontstop4beer:** For now, don’t worry about it. Getting better is your job right now. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Thanks, Josh. 

**wontstop4beer:** No problem at all. It’s why I’m here. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Oh, have I mentioned that Mrs. Bartlet has a twisted sense of humor? 

**wontstop4beer:** LOL, I think the President would probably agree with you, but what are you referring to? 

**wontstop4redlights:** When we finally made it back to the party, she arranged to have a song played in my honor. She said it was a treat for me since I didn’t get to drink with them up in the Residence. 

**wontstop4beer:** Hmmm, okay. What song was it? 

**wontstop4redlights:** Canada’s National Anthem. 

**wontstop4beer:** LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That’s priceless! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Okay, Josh, you’re taking a little too much pleasure there in people teasing me. 

**wontstop4beer:** Well, these days I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Speaking of entertainment...how’s Texas? 

**wontstop4beer:** Groan! I KNEW you were going to ask me that. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Has Hoynes called the Secret Service on you yet? 

**wontstop4beer:** Yuck it up, funny girl...and, no, the Secret Service hasn’t gotten involved...yet. I can’t guarantee that will hold until the time I leave Texas on Monday. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Josh.....(I’m tapping my foot here, can you tell?) 

**wontstop4beer:** Don’t worry, I’m just kidding. Actually Hoynes and I have been getting along all right. We’ve had some disagreements and when I say ‘disagreements’ I mean what other people would call flat out arguments, but for us are just differences of opinion. Actually I’m taking your advice. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Oh? Well, that’s always a wise course of action. Which piece of brilliant advice are you referring to? 

**wontstop4beer:** Counting to 20 before I get mad. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Oh! Really?! And it’s working? 

**wontstop4beer:** Yes, except I’ve expanded it so I count to 50. I’ve gotten a couple of funny looks from Hoynes. I’m guessing he thinks I’m talking to myself and I’m one step away from being fitted for a straight jacket. 

**wontstop4redlights:** LOL. Well, if it keeps you from losing your cool with him then let him think what he wants. 

**wontstop4beer:** That’s pretty much what I was thinking. 

**wontstop4redlights:** So overall things are going well in Texas? 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah. I mean it’s been a pretty breakneck pace, but I think we’re getting the job done. I guess it just makes me...nervous being here. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Why? 

**wontstop4beer:** Too many gun racks in people’s cars and pick-ups. FULL gun racks. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Oh, yeah, I can see why that would make you nervous (would do the same to me). 

**wontstop4beer:** Then there’s the other thing. Something I’m finding kind of...creepy. 

**wontstop4redlights:** What’s that? 

**wontstop4beer:** Suzanne Hoynes. She’s like the Stepford Wife. Even around the house, she never has a hair out of place, never looks like she hasn’t just stepped out of fashion magazine, and most creepy of all, never has anything but a pleasant, placid smile on her face. 

**wontstop4redlights:** So basically just like she always looks on TV? 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah, but being on TV is one thing, while serving dinner or having morning coffee is another. I’m kind of wondering if she’s not on anti-depressants or something. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Well, she wouldn’t be the first political wife to be heavily medicated. 

**wontstop4beer:** Fair point. God, the Press have a field day with that, wouldn’t they? 

**wontstop4redlights:** That’s a given. 

**wontstop4beer:** Anyway, I’ll just be glad when I can get the hell out of Dodge. 

**wontstop4redlights:** You do know that Dodge City is in Kansas, right? 

**wontstop4beer:** It was a figure of speech, Miss Trivia Wizard. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I like to spread my knowledge around. 

**wontstop4beer:** I never noticed. 

**wontstop4redlights:** So I don’t think you told me where you’re going after Texas. 

**wontstop4beer:** I leave Monday for Atlanta. After Atlanta is Miami. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Are you remembering to eat something healthy once in a while? 

**wontstop4beer:** Yes, ma’am. Hoynes hosted a barbecue dinner at the house yesterday. I remembered to have coleslaw and some green salad and I had chicken rather than steak. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Good for you! 

**wontstop4beer:** And are you remembering to gain weight? 

**wontstop4redlights:** LOL, yes, 3 pounds this week. 

**wontstop4beer:** Then good for both of us! 

**wontstop4redlights:** Okay, I’m beginning to fade here and I still need to have your mom help me get out of my dress (we were so late getting back from the party I signed on without changing first), so I’m going to sign off and eventually turn in. 

**wontstop4beer:** Yeah, I’m pretty tired myself. I promise to call the INS tomorrow to find out what we need to do to straighten out the citizenship thing. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I’d appreciate that. Thanks for talking to me tonight, I really enjoyed our chat. 

**wontstop4beer:** I enjoyed it too. Sleep well. 

**wontstop4redlights:** I will...you too. 

**wontstop4beer:** Thanks...I’ll talk to you tomorrow 

**wontstop4redlights:** I look forward to it. 

**wontstop4beer:** Goodnight, Donnatella. 

**wontstop4redlights:** Goodnight, Joshua. 


	38. Trial by Fire 37

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 37**

A couple of days later, Donna waved from the sidewalk as Sarah pulled the car away from the curb. Sarah was going to run some errands while Donna spent the next couple of hours at GW. Donna had her weekly appointment with Dr. Scott where he would continued to map and monitor the feeling, movement and strength in her limbs. 

After her appointment she planned to head over to her physical therapy which was in a building about 5 blocks from Dr. Scott’s office. It would be a long way for her to wheel herself, but she had her new gloves to protect her hands and her arms had gotten pretty strong. In fact, because of all her workouts, her biceps were the first parts of her body that had started to regain some kind of noticeable bulk. When she was wearing only her leotard, she’d even call it definition. Given that she was still pretty skinny, her beefier arms made her look kind of...tough. Tough enough that wheeling herself 5 blocks didn’t worry her, besides, she was feeling independent and wanted to get around on her own. Sarah would pick her up after therapy. 

All in all, she was feeling pretty good. The weather was beautiful, she expected a good report from Dr. Scott, she was looking forward to getting herself over to physical therapy, and Josh had found out exactly what she needed to do to officially become a U.S. citizen again. The INS did indeed have a grandfather clause for people in her situation. She had to pass a three-part literacy test, take an American history exam, fill out a one-page form and she’d be good to go. 

Feeling confident and hopeful, Donna was early for her appointment with Dr. Scott, but rather than having to wait to see him as she usually did, he was having a quiet morning and was able to see her right away. 

Dr. Scott told her that at her current rate of rehabilitation, not only would he be taking her off her strict diet in a couple of weeks, but he fully expected her to be walking again within the next month or two. Thrilled at the news, Donna almost floated, rather than rolled out of his office. She couldn’t wait to tell Josh. He would be so thrilled. 

Although she would need about 45 minutes to cover the 5 blocks to physical therapy, getting to see Dr. Scott early had put Donna way ahead of schedule. Knowing that she’d do better at therapy if she had something to eat or drink first, Donna headed down to the hospital cafeteria. 

Picking out a bottle of iced tea, a small garden salad and an apple for lunch and a bottle of water to stash away if she got thirsty on the way over to therapy, Donna paid for her lunch and headed for a table. As she settled in to eat, she had a visitor. 

“Donna?” 

She looked up to find Mary, the young ICU nurse who’d taken care of her, standing next to her table with a lunch tray in her hand. “Mary? Hi,” she greeted her warmly. “I’d stand up, but...” she said with a self-effacing grin. 

Mary smiled at her. “No problem. May I join you?” 

“Of course, please,” Donna urged. 

“Thanks,” Mary said, setting her tray on the table and settling herself in a chair. “Can I just say, right off the bat, that you look great!” 

Donna smiled. “Thanks, that’s really sweet.” 

“I mean it,” Mary said as she pulled out her napkin. “Being in the ICU I normally see patients at their worst.” She took a drink of her soda. “I don’t usually get to see them after they get out of the hospital and doing so well.” 

“Funny you should mention that,” Donna replied. “I just saw Dr. Scott. He’s really pleased with my progress. He even said that he thinks I might be walking again in the next couple of months.” 

“That’s SO terrific,” Mary told her. 

Donna couldn’t help but grin. “I know.” 

“Josh must be thrilled at your progress. How’s he doing?” Mary asked before taking a bite of her sandwich. 

“Oh...he’s good,” Donna answered. “He’s traveling right now.” 

Mary chewed on a french fry. “So did you and Josh patch things up?” 

Donna blinked at her. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, I know that you had some kind of falling out after you were out of the ICU the first time,” Mary replied. “Which made me so sad. Seeing you guys together just made me...I don’t know, have hope for finding the kind of love I saw between you two. He just seemed so devoted to you.” 

Donna swallowed hard. “I...well, no. We’re best friends, but nothing more.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I thought for sure you’d work things out,” Mary said disappointedly. “I mean the way he stayed right by your side both times you were in the ICU was so touching.” 

“Both times?” Donna said with a frown. “Josh told me he came by to see me when I was in the ICU for my infection, but I didn’t think it was more than that.” 

Mary stared at her for a long moment. “You don’t know, do you?” Donna just looked back at her in confusion, so Mary explained. “He stayed by your bed for three days.” 

Donna’s throat closed up. “Three days?” she whispered. She had no idea. Why didn’t he tell her? 

“Yes...until your fever broke. The only time he wasn’t there was if he had to use the bathroom or we needed to do some kind of procedure. Other than that he never left, not to shower or eat or to sleep. He slept in the chair by your bed and even that was a rarity. Normally he was watching you or talking to you.” 

“Talking to me?” she asked. “I thought I was unconscious? I don’t remember talking to him.” 

“Actually there were times when you were very talkative.” Between your infection and the really high fever you had you were delirious most of the time.” She took the last bite of her sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. “Let’s see, there was the time you thought I was a grocery cashier and you argued with me about eggs.” She smiled. “Then there was the time you thought Josh was Lincoln and you were talking about playing Twister with John Quincy Adams.” She paused to take a sip of her soda. “One of the nurses told me that one night you even carried on a whole conversation thinking Josh was some guy named Stanley.” 

Donna felt her heart stop. “What?” 

“Yeah, apparently it was a pretty intensive conversation. I had gone off shift for the night so I wasn’t there. But she said both you and Josh seemed to be crying.” 

Donna’s heart twisted to think she’d said something that upset him enough to make Josh cry. God, what had she said to him? If she thought he was Stanley, there’s no telling what she could have said. 

“Did she...” Her mouth had gone suspiciously dry and she took a drink of her tea to try and wet it. “Did she happen to...to hear what we were saying?” 

Mary looked at her with a little frown. “No, she just heard you call Josh by the name of Stanley and the crying...oh, wait...I think there was something else,” she said, trying to pull up the memory. “She also said she heard you tell Josh something like you didn’t want to be the last one to know.” 

“Are you sure that’s what she thought I said?” Donna asked. Could she have told him that? In her delirium, could she have told him everything she’d tried to hide, including that she didn’t want to be the last to know that he’d broken up with her? 

“Yeah, at least I think so,” Mary replied. Donna was quiet for a long moment. “Donna?” 

Giving herself a mental shake, she looked up at Mary. “What?” 

“Is everything all right? You got quiet all of a sudden.” 

Donna smiled and hoped it looked convincing. “No, I’m fine. I just didn’t realize I’d been quite that talkative when I was in the ICU.” 

Mary smiled at her. “Well, that’s not unusual when delirium is involved,” she said as she wiped her mouth on a napkin and looked at her watch. “Oh, look at the time, I have to get back to work.” She pushed back from the table. “It was really great to see you.” 

“You too,” Donna replied as Mary stood up. “Hey, Mary?” 

Picking her tray up off the table, Mary paused. “Yes?” 

“Thanks for taking such good care of me and for looking after Josh,” she said earnestly. 

Mary smiled. “You’re welcome. Take care of yourself.” 

“I will,” Donna replied. 

“Bye,” Mary said. 

Could he have known all this time? If so, why wouldn’t he tell her? Had he just chalked it up to her delirium? Had it hurt him so badly that he couldn’t talk about it? Or now that he knew the truth had he just tried to give her the time and space to figure things out on her own? Had he really just been that wonderful?

No longer feeling upbeat, she looked down at the salad that she’d only taken two bites of and pushed it away. 

She really had been unfair to him and he’d been nothing but kind and generous to her. 

Something else came back to her then. Something that she had filed away, but not thought about. It had happened at the White House the night of Mrs. Bartlet’s birthday party and she hadn’t told Josh or anyone else about it. 

After she’d been done with meeting the INS guy, she hadn’t gone right to the party. Instead, her two temporary Secret Service agents had asked her to wait there in the Mural Room. A few minutes later, they’d opened the doors and the President himself walked in... 

********** 

“Donnatella,” the President greeted her warmly. “It’s so good to see you.” 

“Good evening, Mr. President,” she said as the agents closed the doors behind the President, leaving the two of them alone. “I’m sorry I can’t stand up and greet you properly,” she said with a smile. 

“Don’t be silly,” he told her as he settled himself in a chair next to her. “Thanks so much for coming tonight. Abbey and I are very glad you and Mrs. Lyman could make it.” 

“We were very honored to be invited, sir,” she said with a slightly nervous smile. 

“Well, Abbey wanted some friendly faces at her party and I wanted to see for myself that you were doing as well as she and Josh have been telling me.” He smiled. “And I can see that they weren’t lying. You look wonderful.” 

“You’re very generous, Mr. President.” 

He smiled. “Not at all, just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.” 

Donna blushed slightly under his kindness. “Thank you, sir.” 

“I wanted to come and visit you in the hospital, but...” 

“No need to explain, sir,” she interjected. “I understand about security and I know you’ve been very busy. Mrs. Bartlet’s visits and the lovely flowers you two sent let me know you were both keeping me in your prayers.” 

“That we were, Donna,” He paused. “Look, I’m sorry to take you away from the party, but I wanted to talk to you for a minute.” 

“Of course, Mr. President,” she answered. 

He gave her a look that was best described as fatherly. “Donna, I care a great deal about my staff. I think of you all as my family. You all got me here and you’ve been more loyal than any man could ask.” 

“It’s been a pleasure to serve, Mr. President,” she told him honestly. 

He nodded. “One thing I’ve learned about being President, is that even the leader of the free world can’t fix everything. In fact, I can’t fix most things...not by myself anyway,” he admitted. “So when I see one or more of my staff hurting and I think that it’s something that I can help with, I’m inclined to stick my nose in, even if it’s not wanted.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “It’s also hard for most people to tell me to butt out.” 

Donna didn’t quite know where he was going with what he was saying, but she had to smile at the way he was saying it. “Yes, sir.” 

Sitting back in his chair he gave her another fatherly look. “It’s true that I don’t know all the details of what’s happening between you and Josh, but there are a couple of things I’d like to say on the matter.” 

She blinked in surprise. “Oh, sir...Mr. President, you don’t have to.” 

“Yes, I know, but I wish you’d indulge me,” he told her. “I’m not saying you have to actually do anything right now, but I’d like you to hear me out and at least promise me you’ll think about what I’m going say.” 

It really was hard to say ‘no’ to him. “Oh-kay.” She couldn’t quite believe that she was about to have a conversation with the President of the United States about her love life. 

“First of all, as I understand it, you have concerns about how a relationship with Josh will play in the Press and how it will reflect on the administration, is that right?” 

“Yes, sir,” she agreed. “I’d never want to do anything to cause a problem.” 

“Donna,” he chided. “I appreciate that, but have you slept through the last 4 years? We’ve all taken our turn at causing problems, myself included. It’s just part of the process.” He let out a breath. “But I have to tell you, after all the unhappiness we’ve gone through, Leo’s divorce, Rosslyn, the MS hearings, and...the courthouse,” he said pointedly. “I think it’s about time that something good happened to one or two of us.” 

She didn’t know quite how to respond to that. “Yes, sir. I guess I thought with re-election and all it would be an especially bad time.” 

“Well, I guess there is a tiny bit of merit in there, but if news of you and Josh becomes a problem, and I’m not convinced it will, CJ is prepared and what’s more, campaign or not, I’d be more than happy to give you two a public show of support. Leo would cut my tongue out for saying so, but I’d rather lose the election than see you and Josh miserable because of me.” 

Donna was deeply touched by his words. “Thank you, sir.” If her only reason against a romantic relationship with Josh was the scandal aspect she would have given in right then and there. 

Jed let out a breath. “Now, that was the President talking to you about things. The next item I want to talk to you about is of a much more personal nature and is coming from Jed Bartlet.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

He paused. “I used my considerable powers of observation and deduction to deduce that you feel that if you don’t walk again, you’ll be a burden to Josh, is that right?” 

She wanted to deny it to him, but it was really hard to lie to the President of the United States. “Yes.” 

“Donna, I’m the kind of guy that likes to have all the facts. So when my MS was first diagnosed, I had Abbey and the doctors give me the worst case scenario.” He paused. “Even though I have relapsing/remitting MS, I wanted to know exactly what I might face someday. It was quite a sobering discussion.” 

He let out a breath. “In addition to fatigue, pain, decreased memory and reasoning skills, and vision problems, I can also expect tremors, numbness, tingling, weakness and even paralysis in my extremities. So, you see it’s very likely that I will someday find myself in a chair just like yours and eventually bedridden altogether.” 

He laughed a little sadly. “Talk about being a burden.” 

Donna felt tears well in her eyes and she fought to control them. The idea of such a great man, someone who’d been more a father to her in the last few years than her own, brought so low by an illness, was wrenching to her. “Surely, with all the research they’ll be able to find something to treat it before it gets that far.” 

“Well, yes I do hope for that,” Jed said with a nod. “But I believe in being prepared.” He paused and gave her a long look. “Donna, I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone, not even Abbey.” 

“What’s that, sir?” 

“I’ve worried about being a burden to Abbey,” he explained. “When I was first diagnosed and found out exactly what I could be facing, I even thought about divorcing her.” 

Donna frowned. “Why would you do that?” 

“Because I felt like she deserved better than to be tied to me when things got ugly. I thought I would save her from having to see me like that.” He paused. “Abbey is the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, she deserves to be more than just my nurse.” 

She understood what he meant. His words had echoed her burden argument for Josh. “What made you change your mind?” she asked curiously. 

“I suppose the safe answer would be to say that as a good Catholic I don’t believe in divorce, but that really didn’t enter into my decision,” he told her. “It was really Abbey herself. First and foremost I knew that not only would she not let me divorce her, she would probably kick my ass if I even brought it up.” He smiled softly. “I knew that she would say she loved me and she’d want us to have every moment together we could. It also occurred to me that she was a grown woman and it should be her decision if she wanted to stay or not.” 

They were both quiet for a moment. “Although I have to admit, I’d be lying if I said my decision didn’t have at least an element of selfishness to it,” he told her. 

“How so, sir?” she asked. 

“I need her,” he said simply. “Not to be my nurse, but to be by my side, in good and bad because I love her too.” 

Donna silently considered that. His words rang with a lot of truth. Although he’d never been in a wheelchair, he definitely had the possibility of it hanging over his head and would have some idea of what she’d been feeling. 

“Well, I guess I should get back to work on my speech and let you get back to the party,” the President said as he rose from the chair and reached out for her hand. “Thank you for indulging me, Donna.” 

Giving his hand a squeeze, she looked up at him. “Thank you for speaking to me, Mr. President. I appreciate what you’re trying to say and I promise to think about it.” 

He smiled at her. “Just don’t sell him short, Donna. Or yourself.” 

********** 

As Donna sat there in the cafeteria remembering the recent conversation with Mary and the earlier conversation with the President, she realized she’d done exactly that. In addition to being unfair to Josh, she’d sold him short and hadn’t given him much credit. 

It was something that she pondered all the way to physical therapy and all through physical therapy. Even to the point that her physical therapist commented repeatedly that she was distracted and needed to focus. Halfway through the session, she threw up her hands all together and told Donna they were done. After taking her regular soak in the whirlpool, Donna wheeled herself outside. 

She knew she could have called Sarah to come and pick her up early, but she felt like she still had more thinking to do, so parking herself in a shady spot near the entrance to the building she did just that. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t even notice when someone walking into the building, stopped and gave her a double take. 

“Donna?” 

She looked up and blinked in surprise. “Dr. Tillingham?” 

“Oh, it is you,” Dr. Shannon Tillingham said with a smile as she sat down on a bench next to Donna’s wheelchair. “How have you been?” 

Donna took a moment to pull herself back from her own turmoil to form a coherent thought. “Well, it’s been a long road, but I’m doing better every day,” Donna replied. 

“I’m so glad,” she said. “Would it be too presumptuous for me to ask about your prognosis?” 

For just about anyone else Donna would have said yes, but Dr. Tillingham had been nothing but nice to her and she’d probably saved her life in the courtroom. Donna felt like she owed her a debt of gratitude...and an explanation. 

“No, of course not,” Donna answered. “Actually my prognosis is very good. The bullet fractured my T11 vertebra. Once I was stabilized, they performed a spinal fusion procedure on the affected area. I spent about 5 weeks at GW and then another 2 weeks at a rehabilitation hospital here in D.C,” she explained. “I saw my orthopedist, Dr. Scott, this morning and he thinks I may be walking again within the next couple of months.” 

“That’s so great, Donna. I’m happy for you,” the doctor replied. “So what are you doing here?” 

“My outpatient physical therapy is here in this building,” Donna answered. 

“You’re kidding? My practice is here in this building too.” 

“I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve seen you since I’ve been coming to physical therapy,” Donna told her. 

Dr. Tillingham gave her an odd, unreadable look. “Well, actually it’s not that surprising. I’ve only been back in town for a week.” 

“Oh?” Donna replied, not knowing if she should pry any farther. 

“Yes,” Dr. Tillingham began. “After the shooting I needed some time to...get over things. So after I got out of the ER...” 

Donna blinked in surprise. “The ER? I didn’t realize you’d been hurt.” 

The doctor smiled shyly. “It wasn’t that bad. I broke my right wrist and dislocated my shoulder when I dove under the judge’s bench during the gunfire at the end. I hadn’t even realized it until the Marshals broke in and I tried to get up off the floor...the adrenaline, I guess,” she explained. “Once I’d made sure that you were in good hands at GW, I told one of the other doctors about the pain I was having and they ordered x-rays. They wanted me to stay overnight, but I just wanted to go home. So they reduced my shoulder and put a cast on my wrist.” She let out a breath. “I had to wear a sling for 3 weeks for my shoulder and the cast for 6 weeks for my wrist.” She smiled. “I’ve had some physical therapy of my own to strengthen the muscles in both of them, but they’re pretty much back to normal now.” 

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that,” Donna replied. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come and visit you in the hospital,” Dr. Tillingham told her. “Two days after the shooting, I shifted all my patients to a colleague, got on a plane and flew to California.” 

“Oh, it’s no problem. I wasn’t up for many visitors anyway.” Donna replied. “So...California? Do you have family there?” 

“Yes, my parents and my brother in Santa Barbara,” she told Donna. “I know most people will say I was running away, but I just didn’t feel...safe at home by myself. I kept hearing the gunfire all the time. It was like whispers or echoes in my head.” 

Donna’s heart went out to her and reached out and laid her hand over the doctors. “I know,” she said gently. 

Dr. Tillingham smiled. “It’s good to talk to someone who was there that day.” 

“Have you talked to anyone else about it?” 

She knew what Donna meant and it didn’t embarrass her to answer. “Yes, when I was in Santa Barbara, I met with a therapist. I had to. I couldn’t sleep, I felt nauseous all the time, I was nervous and jumpy. But I’m doing better now.” 

“Yeah, Josh and I met with someone too and we’re both doing better too,” Donna told her. 

“Oh, how is Josh? Did his shoulder heal all right?” 

“He’s fine. He’s traveling now for work,” she explained. 

Dr. Tillingham sensed that Donna had something on her mind. “Donna? Is everything all right? You seem a bit preoccupied.” 

Donna gave herself a mental shake. “Sorry, I guess I am a little.” Donna didn’t know why she felt like she could share her private thoughts with Dr. Tillingham, maybe it was because of their shared trauma. “This morning I...I just found out that Josh did something wonderful for me in the hospital and he never even told me.” 

“Oh? What did he do?” she asked. 

“When I was recovering in the hospital he and I had a bit of a falling out and I told him I didn’t want to see him for a while. We’ve made up since then...as friends,” she amended. “In the days following that argument, I developed a severe kidney infection that turned to early stage sepsis.” 

Dr. Tillingham gave her hand a squeeze. “Oh, Donna, that’s very serious.” 

“I know,” Donna replied. “My fever shot up to 105 and then 106. As you can imagine they put me back into the ICU.” 

“Of course.” 

“I was in and out of consciousness for nearly 3 days and from what I’m told I was delirious most of the time,” Donna told her. 

“That’s understandable with the fever and the infection.” 

Donna nodded. “So anyway, I just found out that Josh came and stayed right by my bed, the entire time and didn’t leave until my fever broke. Even though I’d all but thrown him out after our fight, he still came.” She paused and stared down at her lap for a moment as she remembered what Mary had said in the cafeteria. “But I never knew. He never told me.” 

The two women were quiet for a moment, then Dr. Tillingham spoke. “I’m not surprised.” 

Donna looked over at her. “What do you mean?” 

Dr. Tillingham regarded her for a moment. “He was your guardian angel in the courtroom and the love he had for you was obvious.” 

“You mean because he said he cared about me,” Donna surmised as more statement than question. “But what if he just said those words to comfort me?” She asked the question even though in her heart she already knew that wasn’t why he’d said them. 

“As a matter of fact, I was talking about after you lapsed into unconsciousness,” Dr. Tillingham explained. “To me, that’s when he showed how deep his feelings for you were.” 

“What happened to make you think that?” 

“The way he saved you from being shot and killed, not once, but twice after you were unconscious,” she replied. 

“What...what are you talking about?” Donna asked baffled. The hairs began to rising on the back of her neck. 

The doctor looked at her for a long moment. “Maybe Josh should be the one to tell you this.” 

Donna squeezed her hand. If she didn’t have the doctor tell her, she didn’t know if she would have the courage to ask Josh to tell her. “Please...I’d like YOU to tell me,” Donna begged. 

Dr. Tillingham nodded. “The first time was not long after you fell unconscious. Freddie came over to us and was watching you and Josh. I think he really did regret shooting you,” she told Donna. “He walked over and told Josh...” She couldn’t make the words come out of her mouth. 

Donna frowned. “Told Josh what?” 

The doctor took a breath. “He told Josh that...that he could stop your suffering. That it would be quick.” She felt the prickle of tears in her eyes. 

Donna gasped. “He was going to...?” She couldn’t say the words either. 

Dr. Tillingham nodded. “Yes, I couldn’t believe he would say such a thing. I think in his own way he was trying to do right by you, but I couldn’t believe...I mean as a doctor I’m trained to save lives. Not take them.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “Sorry, I know I’m supposed to be a medical professional and all,” she said as she wiped the tear away. 

“No, don’t be sorry.” Donna said squeezing her hand. “In a way, I was lucky I was unconscious, it must have been hard for you...and for Josh.” 

Dr. Tillingham laughed a little. “Josh was a rock, he didn’t even flinch. He just leaned across you, so his body was between you and Freddie and he said...God, I’ll never forget it...he said, ‘if you kill her, you’ll have to kill both of us’.” 

“He did that?” Donna whispered as she felt tears well in her own eyes. He’d put himself between her and death. He’d been ready to sacrifice his life for her. He really was her guardian angel, in every way imaginable. 

“Yes,” Dr. Tillingham replied, not trying to hide her tears any longer now that they were both crying. “Freddie couldn’t believe it either. He asked Josh who you were to him.” She took another harsh breath. “Josh said you were everything.” 

Donna choked out a sob as her heart crumbled into a million pieces. She tried to talk, but the words wouldn’t come. She felt Dr. Tillingham’s hand patting her back supportively. 

“It’s okay, Donna.” 

Donna sat there for a moment, until she felt herself calm down enough to speak. “He really said that?” she finally asked. “I didn’t know.” 

The doctor nodded vigorously. “Freddie got the weirdest look on his face, almost like he was stunned or scared and he asked who Josh was...asked it like he thought Josh was Superman or something.” She squeezed Donna’s hand. 

“What...what did Josh say?” 

Dr. Tillingham smiled wetly. “He said he was someone who loved you and then he simply said...’please, I need her to live’.” 

“Oh, God,” Donna said crying harder. “I never...that’s the most...I mean...” her voice trailed off as she was unable to put what she was feeling into words. That he would love her that much simply overwhelmed her. How could she have been so unfair to him? 

“I know,” Dr. Tillingham said as she squeezed Donna’s hand. “After Josh said that, Freddie backed off and promised not to hurt you.” 

The two of them sat there quietly for a moment, the only sound between them an occasional sniffle. Eventually Donna pulled a couple of tissues from her purse and handed one to the doctor, while she used the other to try and stem her own tears. 

“You said there were two times,” Donna pointed out a few moments later. “Was the other time when Josh got shot?” 

The doctor, now a bit more composed, nodded. “Yes. See Freddie and Ramon were arguing over the next hostage they had to kill because the cops weren’t going to cooperate. Before anyone, even Freddie, could stop him, Ramon aimed his gun at you. 

“What...?” She had never heard this part of the story. 

Dr. Tillingham nodded. “Yes, and as soon as Josh saw it, he threw himself across you and Ramon fired.” 

“What!?” Donna exclaimed. 

“But at the last second, Freddie knocked Ramon’s arm away and the shot went high.” 

“Is that when Josh got shot?” Donna put in. 

“No, but Freddie and Ramon got into an argument over shooting you and Josh and that escalated into the entire gang shooting each other,” she clarified. 

“So the end came because of us?” she whispered as guilt flooded through her. 

She squeezed Donna’s hand. “I guess you could see it that way, but it’s in no way either your or Josh’s fault. If it hadn’t been a confrontation over you guys, then it would have been something else. There was a power struggle brewing between Freddie and Ramon, it was just a matter of time.” She paused. “And while I realize that innocent people were hurt and some were killed in the courtroom that day, I also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that by having things end when they did and end so quickly, lives were saved that day.” 

Donna smiled as her guilt lessened a bit. “Thanks.” 

“No problem.” She paused. “There is one other thing I think you should know about Josh and how he looked after you that day.” 

Donna frowned. “What’s that?” 

“After the shooting stopped and the Marshals burst into the courtroom, Josh was still protecting you. He wouldn’t even let the Marshals come near you. He just held onto you. It was like he had tunnel vision and you were his sole focus. He was locked into the idea that he had to protect you in any way he could and he couldn’t see they were the good guys.” She let out a breath. “It finally took Sam and me to talk him back...to talk him into letting you go so we could treat you.” 

Donna sat there dry eyed for the moment trying to take everything in. “He did that?” she seemed to be saying that a lot, but there just weren’t any other words she could think to say. 

Dr. Tillingham nodded. “Yes, Donna, he did.” 

Before Donna could try and work up a response, a car horn garnered her attention. She looked up to see Sarah pulling up to the curb. “Oh...there’s my ride,” Donna told her. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. I wish...we could talk longer.” 

The young doctor smiled. “Tell you what...” she began as she reached into her purse. “Here’s my card,” she said pulling out a business card and a small pen. She scribbled a number down on the back and handed it to Donna. “My work numbers and my e-mail are on the front, I put my cell number on the back. Call me anytime and we can have lunch or talk or whatever.” 

As Sarah got out of the car, Donna waved to let her know that she was coming. “Thank you, Dr. Tillingham.” 

“You know, it occurs to me that we’ve been through an awful lot together, so why don’t you start calling me Shannon instead of Dr. Tillingham?” 

“Okay...Shannon...I’d like that.” 

“Good,” she said with a smile. “And you’re welcome.” 

Donna slid the card into her purse. “Take care of yourself.” 

“You too, tell Josh, I said ‘hi’.” 

“I will...bye,” Donna said as she started for the car. 

“Bye,” Shannon called. 

Donna wheeled over to the car and got herself inside. The ride home had been more quiet than usual. Sarah asked how things had gone with Dr. Scott and then at therapy. Donna had given her the basics of her conversation with him and his positive prognosis and of course she was thrilled, but then Donna had clammed up again. Sarah asked if something was wrong, but Donna just said that she was tired after therapy. 

Once they got back to the apartment, Donna told the nurse she wanted a shower and so the nurse helped sit her on the shower stool under that spray and then left the bathroom to give her some privacy. 

Donna sat there under the hot spray of water and let her mind drift. 

Fate seemed to have decided that it would dump everything on her at once. As the old saying went, ‘when it rained it poured.’ A few days ago, the President, Mary this morning, and Dr. Tillingham this afternoon. 

Someone really WAS trying to tell her something...or more accurately, the someone had been trying to tell her for a long time and she hadn’t been listening. It was pretty hard not to listen when things were being shoved in your face all at once. Even her new found ability to compartmentalize and rationalize things away couldn’t dissolve the lessons of the last few days. 

As the water sluiced down her wounded and battered body, her heart was full of pain and wonder and every emotion in between. Pain because Josh had done and gone through so much for her and she’d thrown it all away because she’d been selfish, scared and most of all, blind. Wonder because through it all, he’d stayed with her, loved her, cared for her, believed in her, hadn’t given up on her. 

How did she answer for that? How did she say she was sorry? ‘Sorry’ wasn’t a big enough word to cover what she felt or what she’d done. She wasn’t sure there WAS a big enough word to make up for what she’d done to him. She certainly didn’t deserve him. How her words and actions must have hurt him...and yet he had been so good to her. 

She’d assumed he couldn’t love her as much as she loved him because it had been too easy for him. Like flipping a switch he’d seemed to jump from Amy to her. Her brain stopped on that thought. Was that what she’d been doing? Making him suffer for her? Had some stupid, arrogant part of her thought he hadn’t suffered enough to love her? Hadn’t suffered as much as she’d suffered to love him? If so, she’d wronged him even more than she’d thought, because now she saw it hadn’t been easy to love her at all. 

In fact, she suspected that loving her had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. 

Drowned in the sounds of the rushing shower, the sobs began then. Sobs from inner pools of pain and regret so deep she couldn’t see the bottom of them. 

Her sobs continued until the nurse came back. By then, Donna was exhausted from crying and sat quiet and limp as the nurse helped her dry off and get dressed. Telling Sarah and the nurse that she was tired and wanted to take a nap, Donna retreated to her room. Retrieving the cell phone out of her purse, she got into bed and knew what she had to do. 

‘But what do I say?’ she wondered to herself as she stared at the cell phone. ‘How can I ask him to forgive me after everything I’ve done?’ 

The answers didn’t come quickly or easily. ‘Honesty would be the best and only place I can start,’ she decided. 

Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly and used speed dial to call his cell phone. Disappointment flooded her as it went right to voicemail, which meant he was using it or had turned it off. She considered just hanging up and trying later, but while she didn’t want to apologize over voicemail, somehow she knew that if she didn’t say something now, there wouldn’t be a ‘later.’ She’d gotten too good at chickening out. 

Listening as she heard his voice repeating the greeting she’d written up for him, he was hopeless with things like that, she felt oddly bolstered to hear his voice. Then the beep sounded and any coherent thoughts seemed to fly out the window. 

“Josh, it’s...it’s Donna.” Okay, that sounded stupid. “Of course you probably already knew that.” She paused and tried to get a grip. “I...I’m at home. Call my cell when...when you get this and have...some time to...” She took a breath, but it didn’t help all that much as she finished her message. 

“...Josh...we need to talk.” 


	39. Trial by Fire 38

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Chapter 38**

Sliding the key card into the lock on his hotel room door, Josh got a red light for the third time. With a sigh he leaned forward to rest his forehead against the door. He had never gotten any better at opening hotel rooms. Just another way he was lost without Donna. It didn’t help that he was exhausted and although things were going well in Atlanta, he was feeling discouraged. It was after 8 pm and he didn’t want to be coming back to his hotel room in Atlanta, he wanted to be coming home to Donna in D.C. Even though he knew she understood about him being on the road, he wasn’t sure HE understood it anymore. Nothing made sense when he wasn’t with her and what’s more, he felt like she needed him and he should be there with her. 

Taking a deep breath, Josh straightened up and tried the card again. Remembering what Donna always told him about key cards, this time he made sure that he slid the card in and then out in a slow, smooth motion. He was rewarded by the light turning green and the handle turning easily in his hand. 

Walking into the room, he dumped his backpack into a chair and slid off his jacket. He looked longingly at the bed, but he knew that if he so much as sat down on the bed he probably wouldn’t get up again. He was just too tired. Except for the meetings after meetings he’d been stuck in all day, he felt like he was completely out of touch with what was going on. He hadn’t spoken to or otherwise communicated with Donna at all that day. 

After switching on CNN, he pulled his laptop out of his bag, set it on the small hotel room table and started it up so he could check his e-mail. Remembering that he had turned off his cell phone earlier in the day, he pulled it out of his pocket and switched it back on, too. 

He’d switched the phone off because Sam had been making a pest of himself. Even though they hadn’t been together that long, Sam was considering asking Ainsley to marry him and he was examining everything to the nth degree. As much as he was glad that Sam had found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, Josh found himself being a tiny bit resentful that it wasn’t him and Donna that were so happy. He knew that if Leo or the President had really needed to get a hold of him, they would have called the campaign office he’d been at for most of the day. 

Sure enough when the phone booted up Josh saw that his phone was showing he’d had missed calls and there were a couple of waiting messages on his voice mail. Scanning through the list of missed calls he saw a number of them were from Sam and one was from Donna. She’d called him earlier that afternoon. 

His phone also indicated that he had at least one voice mail message. He hoped it was from Donna, hearing her voice right about then would do a lot for his morale. Checking his voice mail, the first three were from Sam and he flipped through them quickly, saving them rather than actually listening to Sam ramble on about Ainsley. 

As soon as he got to Donna’s message he knew something was wrong. Her voice sounded unsure and a little unsteady, almost like she’d been crying. He frowned when he heard her say they needed to talk. Something must be wrong. His heart took a jump at the thought. Clicking off his voice mail, he dialed Donna’s cell phone. She picked up on the second ring. 

“Josh?” 

“Hey, Donna, I just got your message.” 

All he got from the other end of the phone was silence. 

“Donna? You still there?” he prompted. Then he heard it. It sounded like sniffling. His heart twisted. “Donna? Are you crying?” 

“No,” she said in a voice that clearly showed she was. 

“Donna...?” he said not believing her. 

“Okay...yes. I wasn’t crying...then you called...” she tried to explain between sniffles and little sobs like she couldn’t quite catch her breath. “And I heard...your voice...and now I’m crying...again.” 

His heart twisted to hear her distress. “Donna...what’s wrong? Why are you crying at all?” 

“I’m sorry, Josh...I’m so sorry...” 

“Donna, you’re scaring the crap out of me. Now what’s going on?” he demanded as he began to pace the small confines of the room. “Did something happen to you or mom?” 

“No, we’re fine.” 

“You don’t sound fine,” he argued. 

“I know,” she sobbed. “I’ve totally screwed this up.” 

“What?! What have you screwed up?” He felt himself beginning to panic. 

“You...me...us...everything,” she replied. 

She wasn’t making any sense. “Donna, I’m going to need more than that.” 

“Oh, Josh, I’ve been so...stupid.” 

“Okay, Donna, I’m still not following. I tell you what, I want you to take a couple of deep breaths.” He heard her trying to control her breathing. “Now...start from the beginning and tell me why you’re upset.” 

Her voice was a little steadier when she spoke, but he could tell that the tears were still close to the surface. “I was at GW to see Dr. Scott today.” 

Her words brought an end to his pacing and he stood stock still in the middle of the room, as a lead ball gathered in his stomach. Had there been bad news? A set back to her rehab? A medical complication? “What did he say?” 

“He said I’m doing so good, I might be walking in a month.” 

Josh blinked in surprise. “But that’s great news!” 

She sniffed. “I know.” 

“Then why are you upset?” he asked with a frown. 

“After...after I saw him, I had some time so...I went to the hospital cafeteria and Mary was there,” she tried to explain. 

“Mary from the ICU?” he asked, still completely baffled as to what she was getting at. 

“Yes. We had lunch. She told me...” her voice trailed off. 

Josh could hear her crying again. “It’s okay, Donna, take a couple more breaths and tell me what she said.” 

There was another pause while Donna tried to stop crying long enough to get the words out. “She told me about you...about how you stayed with me when I was in the ICU for...my...my infection.” 

He continued to frown. “I told you I was there.” 

“But not for 3 days!” she insisted tearfully. “After the way I threw you out of my room you still came and stayed with me even though you never thought I’d never know.” 

Dropping down on the corner of the bed, he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Donna...where else would I have been? Just because we had a fight or a thing or whatever, didn’t mean I stopped loving you. I knew where I had to be.” 

That of course, only made her cry harder. “God, Donna, please don’t cry.” 

“But...you’ve been...so wonderful and I...I...pushed you away.” 

“I know you had your reasons,” he told her gently. 

“Mary said...one of the nurses heard...” 

Josh heard her taking some more breaths. “What? What did the nurse hear?” he urged gently. 

Her voice was steadier for the moment. “Josh, during one of my...delusion things...did I...did I think you were...” He could hear her swallow. “...Stanley?” 

His stomach clenched. He had no idea someone had heard them that night. “Yes, you did,” he said simply. 

“Oh, God,” she muttered softly. “And when...I thought...you were Stanley...did I tell you...” her voice trailed off. 

He closed his eyes, he couldn’t lie to her now. The truth was all they had left. “Yes, Donna, you told me everything.” 

“So you know...it...what happened...with us...wasn’t about...Amy?” she said tremulously. 

“Yes, I know.” 

His comment was met with a silence that eventually graduated into a new round of crying. “I’m sorry, Josh...” 

“Stop saying you’re sorry, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” he told her. 

“But...what I said...it must...have hurt you,” she said between sobs. “That was...the last thing...I wanted.” 

He hated having this discussion with her over the phone. “It did hurt a little,” he said honestly. “But you didn’t mean to and you can’t help the way you feel.” He paused. “Besides it was my own fault.” 

That got her to stop crying for a moment. “What do you mean?” 

He ran a hand through his hair. “I mean that when I figured out you thought I was Stanley I should have stopped you, but...” He sighed. “...by then I was desperate to find a way to work things out with you. I hoped you would tell me what I could do or say to fix things...fix us.” 

“Oh, Josh...” she breathed. 

“No, I know...I took advantage of you. I heard things you never meant me to hear. It was a little like reading your diary...” The words were out before he realized what they would sound like in the shadow of the recent events with Cliff Calley. “Metaphorically, I mean, I just...missed you. I’m the one who’s sorry.” He paused. “I guess I’m a pretty selfish bastard.” 

“You know, Josh, you’re just lucky that you’re in Atlanta right now and I’m here because I would like to pummel you for saying that. You’re NOT a bastard, selfish or otherwise. You deserved an explanation and I wouldn’t give you one, at least not a believable one. I really didn’t give you much choice.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me it wasn’t about Amy?” he asked gently and without reproach. 

“Because I knew you’d have a counter argument for everything I said.” She paused. “And I was so scared that I didn’t want to give you the chance to talk me out of it. It was easier just to throw up a wall between us.” 

“I know you were trying to protect me and yourself.” Josh sighed. “I’m just sorry I gave you reason to be scared of me...of how I might treat you.” he replied quietly. 

“God, I really dumped it all on you that night didn’t I?” she said sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew I was scared?” 

“Because it was the only thing I couldn’t argue with,” he told her. “You were right about me, Donna, I am a bast...a jerk when it comes to women. I do tumble into them sideways and wait for them to break up with me. I’ve done that with every woman I’ve ever been involved with.” 

“I know,” she said quietly. 

“But I swear, with you, it’s different. Not WILL BE different but IS different...it’s always been different.” 

“Why is it different?” she asked with tears in her voice again. 

“Because you’re the first woman I’ve ever loved,” he replied simply. 

“Oh, Josh...” 

He continued before she could say anything else. “Given my past history with women, I know you have no reason to believe me.” He paused a beat. “That’s also why I didn’t say anything before now...I’ve been trying to win back your trust. To show you it was different...that I was different...that WE were different. I thought...maybe...if you figured that out for yourself it would have more weight than me just telling you.” 

He heard more crying on her end of the phone. “Please, Donna...please don’t cry,” he said tenderly. He wished he could be there to hold her, to soothe away the tears. 

There was a pause and he could hear her trying to take some deep breaths again. “I was wrong, Josh...so wrong.” She hiccupped softly. “I thought...I didn’t trust you...but...it was me...I didn’t trust.” 

“I trust you, Donna,” he said softly. “I always have.” 

“You shouldn’t! I don’t deserve it,” she insisted as her self-directed anger chased away her tears for the moment. “At the first sign of trouble...when I should have been hanging onto you with both hands, I ran for the door.” 

“It’s okay...” 

“No, it’s not okay! All I could think of were reasons why we shouldn’t be together... possible scandal, my injuries, and being scared you were going to hurt me...while all you did was think of ways to KEEP us together.” 

“Come on, Donna, give yourself a break,” Josh told her. “You’ve had an awful lot to deal with in the last couple of months and you know very well I’m not the saint you’re making me out to be.” 

“I saw someone else today,” she said quietly. 

Josh frowned at her apparent sudden switch in topic. “Who?” 

“Dr. Tillingham.” When Josh didn’t say anything, she continued. “She gave me some details about what happened in the courtroom that day...things that happened after I passed out.” 

Josh found his heart beating hard and fast. “Yeah?” he said just above a whisper. 

“She told me how Freddie...how he offered to...” 

His stomach dropped...he knew exactly what she meant. “God, Donna...please don’t say it. I already lived through it once.” 

“She also told me that you stopped him,” she said softly...steadily. “That you put yourself between me and him.” 

Josh blinked back the sudden tears that were prickling in his eyes. “I couldn’t let him...it was unthinkable. I knew you were going to make it.” 

Donna was silent for a moment. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered. 

“Stop it, Donna!” he said, a little more forcefully than he’d intended, but his emotions were running high and he had to get through to her. 

“But...” she tried. 

“No, ‘buts,’ I don’t want to hear you running yourself down like that. You’re a hundred times more than I deserve.” 

“Oh, Josh, that’s so sweet.” The tears were back in her voice. “But after everything you’ve done, everything I feel for you, I shouldn’t have let anything come between us or at the very least I should have talked to you about it.” 

His first instinct was to say it was okay, but since they were standing at the edge of something important he went for honesty. “Yes, Donna, you should have talked to me. If we’re going to make it, we need to lean on each other.” He sighed. “But I know why you did it and it’s okay.” 

“I really am sorry,” she told him again. “For everything...” 

“I know you are and I’m sorry about the thing with Amy. I know it brought things to a head.” 

“Well,” she sniffed. “Yes, it did, but I was cooking pretty good even before it happened.” She paused. “You know, I forgave you for Amy a long time ago, when it happened actually.” 

He felt himself relax a little. For the first time in a long time he thought maybe things were going to be all right. “Yeah, I know.” 

“Do you think...I know it’s a lot to ask, but...can you ever forgive me...?” she asked gently. 

His voice was clear and strong when he answered. “There’s nothing to forgive, Donna. I never blamed you...it’s over...it’s done.” 

“You told me once...if I ever...changed my mind about us I should tell you...” She was quiet for a moment. “Did I wait too long? Do we still have a chance?” 

Josh gripped the phone so hard he wouldn’t have been surprised if it had broken into a couple of dozen pieces. He felt so helpless trying to do this from far away. 

“I’m going to answer your question with another question,” he replied. “Donna...what do you what? Not what you think I want, or you think is best or right or popular, but what do you want?” 

“I want you, Josh...I want us.” Her voice was a little tearful, but otherwise steady and clear. 

Josh smiled and felt his heart expand inside his chest. “Then you have a million chances,” he answered. 

Suddenly, like a flash, it occurred to him what he was going to do. “And if I have to go to the airport, stand on the tarmac and flag down a plane, I’m coming home tonight.” 

There was a momentarily confused silence from the other end of the phone. “But you’re supposed to go to Miami tomorrow. What about...?” 

“I’m coming home,” he told her firmly. “I’m not having any more of this conversation over the phone. I need to see you.” He’d already started moving around the room to collect his things. 

“I’ll be waiting,” she replied simply. 

“I love you,” he said. It was the first time in about 6 weeks that he could say it and not feel guilty or like he was making her uncomfortable. 

There was no hesitation in her response. “I love you, too.” 

********** 

As it turned out, Josh didn’t have to risk life, limb and imprisonment by trying to flag down a plane. He did however, get the last seat on the last plane headed for D.C. out of Atlanta, but he literally had to make a run for the gate to make it in time. By the time he’d made it to the gate, they’d been getting ready to close the doors. It was basically a given that his luggage wasn’t going to have his keen sense of timing. He’d be lucky if it arrived in D.C. before morning. 

He could have taken another flight a half hour later at 9:45, but it would have gotten him into Baltimore instead of National and he was going to get in late enough as it was. The additional drive time from Baltimore was more time than he wanted to take. 

The fact that his seat was in first class was both a good and bad thing. Bad because it had cost a fortune, but good because if he had to pay to fly commercial he wanted to do it from first class. Of course, to get back to Donna he would have ridden in the cargo hold. 

Now that they were safely in the air and he should be relaxing, he was still antsy. Except for the flight attendants moving around or the pilots giving occasional comments or instructions, things were quiet on the plane. Most people were reading or dosing lightly. The guy in the aisle seat next to him had apparently already gotten started on his nap and was snoring lightly. Josh wished he could sleep through the 2 hour flight, but the only plane he’d ever been able to sleep on with any success was Air Force One. Without sleep or something else to distract him, his current flight was going to be interminable. 

Because the flight was so late, there was no meal service, but there was beverage and snack service. He considered having something to drink to calm him down, but then ordered club soda instead since he didn’t think Donna would appreciate his homecoming quite as much if he showed up drunk. 

Taking a sip of his club soda, he stared out the window at the clear night sky. He sent up a silent prayer to whoever might be listening to not let the plane crash. Wasn’t that how it usually happened in the movies? The hero and the heroine finally realized they were being idiots or one of them found out the other was dying of some terminal disease and then when one flew to be with the other, they were killed in a plane crash? Life could be a real kick in the head sometimes. 

Figuring it was never a good idea to dwell on plane crash scenarios when you were actually flying IN a plane, Josh sat and considered what his next step would be...beyond getting to Donna and holding onto her for the rest of their lives, of course. 

Although he tried to keep talking himself out of it, Josh kept coming to one unalterable conclusion...he needed to resign from the White House. And this time he couldn’t let the President bully him out of it. He HAD to resign. If he wanted a life with Donna, which he did, there really wasn’t a choice. Not because of what people would say or some possible scandal, but because he suspected that he could no longer go on being her boss and without them working together, he still actually wanted to SEE her once in a while. 

He planned on being in for the long haul with her. He wanted to remember her birthday and their anniversaries...including their wedding anniversary if she’d have him. Then there was her health situation. Because of it, she might need him there with her if for no other reason than moral support. 

In the ICU she’d told him, okay, told Stanley, that she might not be able to have children and although he was totally fine with that, if, on the off chance she was able and willing to have them, he wanted to have them with her. And he would damn sure remember their birthdays, in fact he didn’t just want to remember them, he actually wanted to be there for the parties too. And Halloween and Thanksgiving and Hanukah and Christmas. His father had missed one too many birthday parties and holidays because of a case or some kind of work related commitment and Josh didn’t want to do make the same mistake. 

Yeah, he was going to have to resign. 

A life with Donna had become more important to him than any job...even one at the White House. 

He didn’t honestly think he’d have a problem finding another job. Maybe Donna could go back to school and finish her degree. While she was, he could work on the Hill. Heck, he could teach or even start his own consulting firm. 

‘It’s funny,’ he thought. ‘Once upon a time I would have never been able to fathom picking a woman and a relationship over work, but now well, nothing has ever felt more right to me.’ 

Pulling out his laptop, Josh began composing his letter of resignation. It wouldn’t be quite as formal as his last one had been. Although he wouldn’t be able to send it until he got into National...there was a wireless T-Mobile Hot Spot at the Starbuck’s there, he wanted to be ready. He wanted to have that done and off his plate when he got to Donna. Wanted to finish off the old business, before starting the new. 

Plus it would give him something to do during the remainder of the flight and keep him from driving himself, the flight crew and the other passengers quietly insane. 

So as the plane sped through the night sky toward D.C., Josh carefully and methodically composed his letter of resignation. The second one in two months. ‘Must be some kind of record,’ he thought with an oddly content little smile. 

And he meant to see that the President and Leo accepted this one. 

********** 

It was late when Josh got home, almost midnight and all he carried was his backpack and a bouquet of white tulips, Donna’s favorite, that he’d bought at an all night florist on the way home. Except for that little detour, he’d gotten home just as quickly as he could after his plane had landed. He hadn’t even attempted to stand around at baggage claim. He’d call in the morning and find out about his two pieces of checked luggage. 

He had, however, stopped and sent off his e-mail to Leo, who he knew would give it to the President. 

Josh had bounded up the stairs to his apartment, but now he found himself standing in from of his door. In a way, he felt like stepping through the door would be like stepping into a new life. That was a scary thought. Politics was something he’d always been certain of. Sure, he’d made mistakes, but generally he felt confident in what he was doing. He let out a long, slow breath. But this thing with Donna, as much as he wanted it, was going to be a bit of a mystery. He grinned, but at least with Donna there, he knew he’d enjoy figuring out the mystery. 

Turning his key in the lock, he opened the door and stepped inside. Like the other time he’d come home in the middle of the night, the apartment was quiet. This time however, there was one huge difference. 

Donna was by the kitchen table, waiting for him. 

Correction...Donna was STANDING by the kitchen table, waiting for him. 

Actually from the way she was gripping the table, it looked like the table was giving her more support than her legs were, but she was still standing. 

Josh’s keys and the tulips slid from his hands and hit the floor. They were joined a second later by his backpack. Luckily his computer was tucked inside a small cushioned compartment. 

“Donna?” he whispered. 

As he stood there in the open doorway to his apartment, almost holding his breath, his mouth hanging open, Donna took a deep breath and pushed herself a few inches from the table until she was standing unaided. 

“I heard you charging up the stairs,” she said with a tearful, but triumphant little smile. “Welcome home, Josh.” 

“Donna?” he repeated, this time in stunned disbelief. “You’re....you’re...” He had to swallow the lump in his throat before he could get it out. “You’re standing.” 

Her smile widened. “Hard to get anything past you, isn’t it?” 

Josh was still too stunned to smile at her teasing. He was still trying to process what he was seeing. “You’re standing...in my kitchen,” he said, taking a step toward her. 

She nodded happily. “Yes, I am.” 

“But how...? When...?” he stammered taking another step. She was almost close enough to touch, but he was a little afraid if he reached out to her, she would disappear and he’d wake up on the plane and find this was all a dream. 

“I wanted to...” she began. 

His heart crashed in his chest as he watched her teeter and saw a flash of panic in her eyes as her legs started to fold under her. They were close enough that they made an instinctive grab for each other. Her arms went around his neck and his went around her torso. 

“You okay?” he asked holding her tightly against him. He could feel she was still wearing her brace under the shirt she had on. 

“Yeah,” she tried to give him a reassuring smile. “You know me, I’ll do anything to get into your arms.” 

He frowned at her. “You’re sure you’re okay? You didn’t hurt yourself?” 

Enjoying the feel of his arms around her, she looked up at him. “Yes, Josh I’m sure, I’m just not very strong and my balance is still off.” 

As his heart began to beat again, his frown softened. “You sure know how to greet someone at the door.” 

“Surprise,” she grinned. 

His dimples popped out as he grinned back at her. “Let’s get you back in your chair,” he said, moving to pick her up. 

“No,” she protested tightening her arms around his neck. She still had enough strength in her legs to partially hold herself up so she wasn’t dead weight or anything. “Please, just hold me...for a minute.” She looked at him. “This is the first time we’ve been like this.” 

“I guess it is,” he replied softly. “And I definitely like it.” 

“Besides, we haven’t had our welcome home kiss yet,” she whispered. 

“Well, I wouldn’t want to ruin the homecoming,” he whispered back. 

Dipping his head down, he brought his lips to hers. The rich feeling of her lips on his rushed through him like water to a man dying of thirst. It reminded him of their first kiss in the ICU. Gentle, loving and poignant, without any awkwardness, it was as if they’d just picked up where they’d left off. And yet, there was a note of freshness to it, a feeling best described as a new beginning. 

When they pulled back, Josh looked down into her blue eyes. “Marry me?” 

She supposed that she should have been surprised or scared by his question, but she wasn’t. After everything they’d been through, a marriage proposal was no sweat. 

“No,” she answered with a sappy grin. 

“No?” Josh said with a frown. He hadn’t expected that answer. 

She shook her head. “Nope. We haven’t even had an actual date yet. I don’t get married until AFTER the first date. I have a strict policy about that.” 

Now he grinned with her. “Well, I’ve heard that women liked to be wooed.” 

“Oh, and who told you that?” he asked with a smirk knowing very well it had been her. 

“A very beautiful blonde who is impervious to my crap, but loves me anyway,” he said with a laugh. 

The joy of the moment, pulled at both of them and soon they were both laughing. Laughing, crying, and covering each other’s faces in kisses. Happily, Josh hugged her tightly, lifting her feet off the floor for a moment. 

As he did, Donna tightened her arms around his neck. “I love you, Josh. I’m sorry for every chance I missed in the last 6 weeks to tell you,” she said breathlessly. 

He released her enough to be able to look at her. “Okay, that’s the last time I want to hear you say you’re sorry.” He rested his forehead against hers. “No more sorrys.” 

“’kay,” she said with a smile. 

Just then the door to his bedroom opened and his mother stepped out of the bedroom. She blinked in surprise at seeing both of them standing in the kitchen. 

“Joshua? I thought I heard a noise. What are you doing home?” she asked with a frown that was a mirror image of Josh’s. Stepping over the things he’d dropped, she walked over to the still open front door and closed and locked it. 

He looked at his mother and grinned. “I came home to see the two women I love most in the world.” He looked back down at Donna. “And I’m home to stay.” 

Just then, Sarah realized that her son and the woman she thought of as a daughter, were both STANDING in the kitchen, well, at least partially standing. Sarah could tell, Josh was providing most of Donna’s support. 

“Donna...honey, you’re standing,” she said in shock. 

Donna grinned. “Surprise.” 

“You didn’t know about this?” Josh asked his mother. 

“No, I didn’t. I had no idea,” Sarah told him as she bent to pick up the things he’d dropped in the entry hall. After setting his backpack over by the coat rack, she picked up his keys and the bouquet of tulips. 

“You should have seen her a few minutes ago,” he gushed proudly. “She was standing all by herself.” 

“But how?” Sarah asked. 

“I did it for the first time at therapy last week,” Donna explained. “I can’t do it for very long and I still can’t really take a step, it’s the biggest reason why Dr. Scott thinks I will be walking in a month or two.” 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked her gently. 

Donna looked up at him, her expression soft. “I was saving it for you, Josh, as a surprise when you came home from the campaign in two weeks. You’ve given me so much, it was all I had to give back to you.” 

He wanted to lay a hand on her cheek, but he was a little afraid to let go of her, so he hugged her instead. “You’ve already given me more than you know, but it was a wonderful surprise, thank you.” 

They stood there and hugged each other for a long moment. Sarah sighed happily behind them. “Okay, well, it’s late and I’m guess I’m going to have to make matzo ball soup tomorrow,” she said with a chuckle. “So I’m going to go back to bed, oh, Joshua would you like me to get the sheets out for the couch?” 

Donna answered before he could. “No, he’ll be sleeping in my room.” She could almost hear the question forming Josh’s head. “Don’t get any ideas, Josh, I’m not quite up for anything more than sleeping just yet.” 

“What? Did I say anything?” he protested weakly. It was uncanny how well she could read him. 

“Okay,” Sarah said with a chuckle. “Goodnight then.” 

She realized she was still holding his keys and the flowers. “Oh, Donna, honey I think these are for you and not me,” she said, placing the bouquet of tulips in one of Donna’s hands. Then she dropped the keys on the kitchen table. “Don’t keep her up too late, Joshua,” she called as she walked back to the bedroom. 

“I won’t, mom. Goodnight,” he called back. 

“’Night, Sarah,” Donna called out too. 

Donna held the flowers up enough that she could see them over Josh’s shoulder. “Ohhh...you brought me white tulips,” she said with a smile. 

“Yes, I did.” 

“They’re my favorite.” 

“I know they are,” he said with a satisfied grin. 

She looked up at him with a smirk. “You’re very pleased with yourself right now aren’t you?” 

“Why yes, yes I am,” he smirked back. “I’m going to get to sleep with my beautiful after-we-have-at-least-one-date fiancée.” 

“You do remember the part about just sleeping, right?” 

“I do indeed.” His expression sobered softly. “I’m just keeping a promise,” he added gently. 

She frowned. “What promise?” 

“The one I made to you in the ICU right before I kissed you for the first time. You were crying because you couldn’t hold me since you were in traction and I said it was okay because we’d have plenty of time for the holding.” He paused. “I promised you that once I could gather you into my arms, I was going to hold you and never let you go.” 

Her expression now matched his. “I remember.” 

“So even if all we do is sleep, as long as I get to hold you all night, I’m a happy guy.” With that, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her and the tulips back to her bedroom. 

********** 

10 am the next morning found Sarah Lyman standing in the kitchen again, this time boiling a chicken. Unlike last night, she felt a little like she was girding herself for battle. Although she wasn’t sure what making chicken broth from scratch for matzo ball soup had to do with going into battle, but it made her feel like she’d be keeping the troops happy if nothing else. 

The phones, the apartment phone and both of Josh and Donna’s cell phones, had been ringing off the hook all morning, but since the two of them had yet to emerge from Donna’s room, Josh and Donna didn’t know it. Josh’s cell was in his backpack by the front door. Donna’s cell was on the kitchen table, presumably she’d left it there last night when she’d been waiting for Josh to come home. As for the phones in the apartment, Donna and Sarah had long ago switched their ringers off. They’d continued to get sporadic calls from tabloid and others they didn’t care to speak to, usually at odd hours, so it was just easier to leave the ringers off and let the machine pick up the calls. 

And she’d still gotten quite an earful from the answering machine in Josh’s bedroom that morning. Leo was pretty pissed at Josh, but honestly, Sarah couldn’t have been prouder of her son. So...he’d resigned from the White House. Sarah could only assume it was over Donna. 

Leo had called a number of times that morning, each one increasing in urgency and anger, but she had let the machine pick them all up. Sarah had no intention of getting into an argument with Leo. She was firmly in Josh and Donna’s camp. However, knowing Leo as she did, she doubted he was just going to give up and go away. She had a hunch that he would be paying them a call, in person, sometime today. On the other hand, knowing her son even better and how stubborn he could be, she was expecting a mini-war over his resignation. 

And so there she stood chopping onion for the chicken broth that she would use for the base to the matzo ball soup she’d promised she’d make for Josh, doing what she could to support her side of the ‘war’ effort. 

Just then, as if someone had read her mind, there was a loud knock at the front door. 

‘Why do I feel like that was the first warning shot?’ she wondered as she walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. Sure enough, there was Leo looking for all the world like a kid who’d had his favorite video game taken away. With a sigh, she undid the chain, unlocked the dead bolt and opened the door. 

“Leo,” she said coolly as she planted herself smack in the middle of the doorway and took in the sight in front of her. “I see you brought reinforcements.” She was referring to the two black suited men, she assumed they were Secret Service, that were standing directly behind Leo in flanking positions and the other men that seemed to fill the rest of the hall off to Leo’s left. 

Leo looked a little surprised to not only see her, but to see her looking like St. Peter guarding the gates of heaven from the devil himself. For a moment, it looked like he wanted to make a sharp remark, or simply barrel his way in, but he took a deep breath to reign in his temper. 

“Sarah, may we come in?” he asked with exaggerated politeness. 

She stared at him for a moment. “No, Leo, since I assume from your answering machine messages that you’re here to yell at my son, I don’t think so.” 

“Sarah, please...he’s being an idiot and I want to talk to him.” 

“He’s not being an idiot, Leo. In fact for the first time in a long time I think he’s got his head on straight,” she argued. “And what’s more, he and Donna were up late, they’re still asleep and I don’t want you disturbing them.” 

“Oh, come on, Sarah,” Leo shot back. “This is his future we’re talking about, he can sleep some other time.” 

Sarah gave a little snort. “Yeah, I’m familiar with how much time you give him to sleep. Before this whole thing at the courthouse he had so much time to sleep he hardly ever came home.” 

“Look, Sarah, I know you never liked me all that much, but don’t let that affect your judgment here with...” 

Sarah laughed outright that time. “I’ve never had anything against you Leo. You were one of Noah’s closest friends, I never quite understood what you two had in common, but I respected your friendship.” She paused. “But this is Josh and this is his life and he’s made his decision. If you fight him on it, you’ll only hurt him and make him feel worse about resigning than he probably already does.” 

“Sarah...” Leo pleaded. 

“Haven’t he and Donna been through enough, Leo?” she asked quietly. “Can’t you just leave them alone?” 

Leo apparently didn’t have a response because he remained silent. In the midst of that silence one of the men who’d been out in the hall to Leo’s left moved to stand next to him. Sarah blinked in surprise as President Bartlet stood in the doorway and spoke. 

Sarah found it a lot harder to argue with the President than she had with Leo.

Jed sensed he was getting through to her. “Please Mrs. Lyman, if you would just let us come in and I’ll explain. When I’m done, if you still want to us to leave, we will.” 

Sarah regarded him for a moment. She was very fond of Abbey Bartlet and the couple of times she met the President, including at the First Lady’s birthday party, she’d found him to be a kind and interesting person. Plus, she’d heard nothing but glowing things about him from both Josh and Donna. “Well...all right, but...I’d like you all to be as quiet as possible so you don’t disturb them.” 

Jed nodded. “Fair enough.” 

Sarah stood aside as the men filed in. If it hadn’t been so surreal she probably would have laughed. It was like those clown cars at the circus. Men just kept coming in. First Leo and the President and then no less than 6 Secret Service agents entered the apartment with them. The two original agents that had been behind Leo in the hall stayed out in the hall to stand watch. 

As Leo and the President moved to sit on the couch with Sarah, the agents spread out and made a sweep of all the rooms in the front part of the apartment. The living room, kitchen and Josh’s bedroom and bathroom. After being threatened by Sarah if he woke them up, one of the agents, a man named Simon Donovan, silently went to do a sweep on the back bathroom and Donna’s bedroom. He came back to report that the area was clear and the two of them appeared to be sleeping peacefully. 

Since Leo and Sarah seemed to be getting along about as well as two cats in a pillowcase, Jed took the lead on explaining his ‘big plan’ to her. When he finished, he could tell that Sarah was ready to cave in and let them see Josh and Donna. 

Jed made one last pitch. “Please, Mrs. Lyman, I need him to come back, actually I need THEM to come back. She’s just as much a part of things in the administration as he is. We can’t get anything done without him and he can’t get anything done without her.” 

Sarah was indeed ready to crumble. Now she remembered why this man was President. He could be very persuasive. “All right,” she said with a sigh. “You can see them, but I want to be there and I want you to promise that you’ll say your piece and then respect Joshua’s decision...whatever it is.” 

Jed smiled and reached out for her hand. “I promise. Thank you, Mrs. Lyman.” 

She nodded and tried not to send a warning look at Leo. “Come on, I’ll take you back.” 

With Sarah in the lead and then Jed and Leo and three agents following, they headed for Donna’s room. Knocking lightly on the door, Sarah opened it and peeked inside. They were indeed both asleep. Pushing the door open wider, she, Jed, Leo and Simon stepped inside. 

“Do you see, Mr. President?” Sarah asked quietly. “Do you see why they belong together?” 

It was an intensely intimate scene. They were both lying on Donna’s hospital bed, spooned tightly together with their backs to the door and Josh between Donna and anyone who might enter the room. She was under the covers, while Josh was on top of them. Except for his shoes, jacket, and tie, he was still wearing the suit he’d flown home in the night before. His chin was resting on her shoulder and their right arms were tangled together and wrapped protectively around Donna’s waist. Their intertwined hands rested against her stomach. 

“Yeah, I see that,” the President replied. 

Sarah could see that he did and so she moved over to the edge of the bed and gave first Josh and then Donna’s shoulders a gentle shake. “Josh...Donna, honey, wake-up, there’s some people here to see you.” 

The two of them stirred a bit slowly. “Mom?” Josh said groggily. “What’s going on?” 

“Sarah?” Donna murmured. 

“There’s some people her to see both of you,” she repeated. 

Josh turned a bit more so he could look over his shoulder. He’d hoped he would have more time before he had to have this particular argument, but what the hell, at least this way he’d get it over with. 

“Hey, Leo...” he said as he sat up. Seeing the President, he started to get himself untangled from Donna and turned around, so he could climb out of bed and stand up. “Good morning, sir.” 

“Just relax, Josh, stay where you are,” the President told him. 

“Good Morning, Mr. President...hey, Leo,” Donna greeted him sleepily as she raised the head of the bed to make it more comfortable for her to stay sitting up. 

“Morning, Donna,” Jed and Leo both greeted her. 

“What can I do for you both today,” he asked, although he knew very well why they were there. 

Leo reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “You can tell us what the hell this is.” 

“I assume it’s my resignation,” Josh replied calmly. 

“What? You resign by e-mail now?!” Leo snapped. “What...are you 15 or something?” 

Donna, who had been in the process of rubbing the sleep from her eyes, stopped. “You resigned?!” 

Rather than saying anything to Leo, he looked at Donna. “Yeah.” 

Donna’s expression softened. “Ohhh, you resigned...” she said with a sigh as she covered her mouth with her hand and happy tears swam in her eyes. She knew he’d done it for her...for them, and it touched her deeply. 

Josh grinned at her. “Yeah.” 

Leo wasn’t going to be ignored. “JOSH!” 

“Leo, stop yelling at him!” Sarah exclaimed. 

Josh looked at the President and tried to explain. “Sir, I typed it out on the plane and I got in late last night, but I wanted to get it to you as quickly as possible so I e-mailed it to Leo knowing he would give it to you.” He paused. “Plus, I hoped maybe an e-mail version would make it easier for you to accept since you didn’t seem to be all that thrilled when I tried to do it in a regular letter.” 

“You resigned before?” Donna put in. 

He looked at Donna again. “Yeah, it’s why the President sent me on the road. He thought a change of scenery would do me good.” 

“Leo? Can I see it?” Donna asked holding out her hand. 

“Yeah, maybe you can talk some sense into him,” he said handing her the paper. 

“Leo, don’t use her like that. I’ve made my decision and it’s the best one for us.” 

As Leo and Josh continued to argue back and forth, Donna read the print out of the e-mail. 

_To: lmcgarry@whitehouse.gov_  
From: "Joshua Lyman"   
Date: Thurs, 23 Apr 2003 23:11:22:32 -0008  
Subject: Letter of Resignation, Take 2 

_Hey, Leo. Please give the President this e-mail as soon as possible.  
__________ _

__

Mr. President, 

There are times in life when there comes a moment, a crossroad of opportunities, and a man has to make a decision. Then, once that decision is made, he has to stand up and follow it wherever it might lead. 

I did it four years ago when I helped the former governor of New Hampshire, one of the greatest men I’ve ever known, get elected President of the United States. 

And I’m doing it now by resigning my position as Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning so I can build a life with the most astounding woman I’ve ever known. 

My decision to resign in no way reflects on you. I’m not resigning to get away from you, the administration or the White House. I’m resigning to get closer to Donna. 

It has been an honor and a privilege to serve at the pleasure of the President and believe me when I say that come November you will have my vote. 

If I’ve learned one thing from you, sir, it’s to make the most out of life and not take the important moments for granted. Donna and I have come so close to losing each other I don’t want to waste any more of our important moments. 

Sincerely,  
Joshua Lyman 

Donna looked up from the e-mail to stare at Josh in amazement for a moment as he continued to argue with Leo. 

“I swear, Leo, I’m not kidding about this,” Josh told him. “I’m resigning and that’s that. Donna is the most important thing to me.” 

“But it doesn’t have to...” Leo shot back. 

Donna picked that moment to toss the e-mail aside and basically pounce on Josh. As much as she could anyway with her body in the condition it was in. Grabbing his face between her hands, she pressed him back against the bed and kissed him within an inch of his life. 

“...be this way,” Leo’s voice trailed off. “Oh, for the love a God!” he muttered. 

Rather than resisting her amorous assault or caring if anyone else was even in the room, much less watching them with avid interest, Josh slid his arms around her and pulled her closer. Where last night’s kisses had been slow, loving and romantic...kissing her now was like holding onto a live electrical wire. He felt the charge go through his entire body. 

Donna finally came up for air. “That e-mail was amazing,” she said, still trying to catch her breath. 

“So was that kiss,” Josh replied with a smirk. 

“I can’t believe you wrote that. It was beautiful.” 

“You really liked it, huh?” 

“Was that not evident with the kissing?” she asked. 

“Well, I might need some reinforcement, just to, you know, be sure,” he said with a grin as he reached up to kiss her again. He was stopped by the sound of a throat being carefully cleared. 

“Um...excuse me? If you crazy kids could spare a moment please?” 

The two of them glanced up to find four pair of eyes watching intently. Leo looked annoyed, Sarah looked like she was so happy she was going to cry and Simon and the President looked amused. 

Josh knew it had been the President that had spoken. “Sorry, sir,” he said as he and Donna sat up again. 

After seeing them together, Jed had an odd urge for a cigarette. He could also definitely see why Josh was picking Donna over the White House. “No problem, I was young once too, although Abbey says I imagined it.” 

Jed leaned over and picked up the e-mail that Donna had tossed on the floor. “In case you’re wondering I’m not accepting this one either.” He glanced at Donna. “I keep telling him that I’ll let him know when I want him to resign, but he doesn’t seem to listen.” 

“But sir,” Josh insisted. “All due respect, it’s not about what you want, not any more, not this time.” He glanced down at Donna. She’d rested her head on his shoulder and he never felt such a feeling of contentment. “You have to accept it, because I don’t plan on coming to work at the White House any more.” 

“Josh...be reasonable,” Leo insisted. “We need you for reelection.” 

“You’ll do fine without me, Leo. You’ve got Bruno and his not-so-merry men,” he glanced at the President. “And you’ve got the most important thing of all. You’ve got a candidate who’s the real thing.” He grinned at Leo. 

“What is it you said when you were trying to convince me to go and hear the President speak in Nashua?” Josh asked him. “I said something like the Democrats aren’t dumb enough to nominate another liberal academic former governor from New England and you said you thought they were exactly that dumb. So see, you were right. Not only were we dumb enough to nominate him, but the voters were dumb enough to elect him and they will again.” 

“Well, I don’t know which of you to have the Secret Service pummel first,” Jed said in mock indignation. 

“In all fairness, sir, I didn’t know you, then,” Josh pointed out. 

“Okay, but you’ve used your last ‘get out of jail free’ card on that one,” Jed said turning to Leo. “What’s your excuse? We’ve known each other forever and you were the one who talked me into running in the first place.” 

“Sir, please don’t get started, I can’t take you both on,” Leo protested. 

“I’m just saying...” Jed teased. 

Josh looked over at Sarah who was grinning. “Mom, is that your chicken broth I smell?” 

“Yes, it is, Joshua,” she replied. 

“Are you making what I think you’re making?” he asked hopefully. 

“Yes, dear, if you and Donna ever get out of bed, that is.” 

“We’re working on it,” Josh told Sarah with a wink. 

Leo had just about reached his limit. “Josh, could we stop having 6 different conversations here?!” 

“Okay, but that means you’ll all have to leave because the only conversation I plan on having is with Donna.” 

“Ohhh, Josh,” Donna said giving him a little hug. 

“JOSH!!!” Leo bellowed. 

Sarah just laughed. 

Jed glanced at Simon. “Reminds you of some kind of Laurel and Hardy sketch, doesn’t it?” 

Simon smirked. “I was thinking Three Stooges myself, sir.” 

“Ahhh, a renaissance man,” Jed smirked back. 

“Yes, sir,” Simon replied. 

Leo was staring at all of them in disbelief. “You have all lost your minds.” 

Jed decided it was time to stop the madness. “Josh...there’s one very simple reason why you can’t resign.” 

Josh frowned. “What’s that, sir?” 

“You will ruin my carefully constructed plan.” 

“Plan? What plan?” Josh asked. 

“The plan I thought up to get you and Donna back together,” Jed answered. 

Josh and Donna glanced at each other and then back at him. “I don’t think we follow, sir,” Josh said. 

“Well, Josh, it’s like I told Donna the night of Abbey’s birthday party. As the leader of the free world there’s a lot of things I can’t fix, so when I see something I think I CAN fix I go after it. After all the crap this administration has been through, I wanted to do my part to see that there’s some happiness to.” He paused. “And in you and Donna I saw something I thought I could fix.” 

“Then why did you send Josh on the road for 2 months?” Donna asked with a frown. 

“Because I had faith in him, Donna.” 

“Faith in me, sir?” Josh asked. 

“Yes, Josh. I had faith that if you were separated from each other you would realize you needed Donna more than you needed to work for me. Obviously you’ve done that or we wouldn’t all be standing here.” He paused. “I knew you would get out there and you would miss her and in missing her you would pull your head out of the sand and admit to what you felt for her.” 

“But how could you be sure?” Josh asked. 

“You know the old saying Josh, ‘it takes one to know one’?” Josh nodded. “Well, I was sure because Abbey looks at me the same way Donna looks at you and I know that if I was separated from her for 2 months and it came down choosing her over a job, even the Presidency, she’d win.” 

“What a sweet thing to say, Mr. President,” Donna put in. 

“Yeah, well, just don’t tell Abbey. If you do, she’ll gloat about it for a month.” 

“Yes, sir,” Donna replied with a grin. 

“It didn’t hurt that I teamed up with Abbey and Sarah here, to work on Donna.” 

“Is that why you took the time to talk to me the night of Mrs. Bartlet’s party?” Donna asked. 

“Yes, Donna, but all those things were also from the heart.” 

Donna smiled at him. “Yes, sir.” 

“So Josh, here’s the deal. You’re not going to resign...I don’t want you to resign. Leo and I are willing to work with you on things to strike what will hopefully be a happy medium. Although I can’t promise no more long hours, I do promise you more vacation time, cutting down as much as possible on the all-nighters, and if you both want her to, Donna can still be your assistant.” 

“But it won’t look very good if the Press finds out that she still works for me,” Josh put in. “I’m not going to have her dragged through the mud.” 

Jed held up his hand. “I know, so on paper she’ll report to Leo.” 

“What about the rest of the campaign stops? Josh asked. “I don’t want to be away from her for another 2 weeks.” 

Leo answered this one. “You don’t have to, I already talked to Bruno. His guys are going to finish it.” 

It sounded like a pretty good deal to him, it was basically everything he’d been wanting but didn’t think he could have, but Donna’s opinion on the issue would be the deciding factor, so he looked down at her for a reaction. With as long as they’d worked together, it didn’t take words for them to communicate. In her gaze, he knew what she wanted him to do. Turning back to the President, he opened his mouth to say something but the President held up his hand. 

“No, Josh. You and Donna need to take a little time and think it over. Remember, you’re a unit now.” He let out a breath. “So as of right now, you’re on a one week vacation. Since I don’t consider the time you spent at the hospital time off, I think you’ve earned...” He looked at Donna. “...you’ve both earned, a break, so for the next week you won’t even be allowed in the building, is that clear?” 

Josh smiled. “Yes, sir. Thank you.” 

Jed nodded. “Now, as much as I’d like to stay and sample whatever delicacy your mom has cooking, I’ve got a country to run, so we need to get moving.” He started to turn for the door then stopped. “Oh, Josh...one more thing.” 

“Yes, sir?” 

“You better not hurt her,” Jed told him. “If you do...Sam, Toby, Leo, myself, and the rest of the men who work in the building are going to line up to take turns beating the crap out of you. Is that clear?” 

Josh swallowed. “Crystal, sir.” 

“Good...Donnatella, always a pleasure,” he said, walking over to give her a little kiss on the cheek. 

“Thank you, sir,” she replied with a smile. 

Jed laid his hand on Josh’s shoulder. “And Josh...well, son, with you it’s always an adventure.” 

“Yes, sir,” Josh said with a grin. 

“Come on, Leo, I’ll let you explain in the car why you think the American electorate had to be imbecilic to vote for me,” the President said as he swept out of the room. 

Josh, Donna, and Sarah grinned. 

Leo just sighed. “Do you see what you’ve done?” he said to Josh. “He’s going to ride me about that for at least the rest of the day.” 

“Just trying to help,” Josh said innocently. 

“Yeah, that kind of help I don’t need.” He looked at Josh. “When you come back in a week, be ready to work. We’re going to have a big push for the new gun legislation.” 

“We’ll do,” Josh replied. 

He looked at Donna. “You sure you know what you’re getting yourself in for with this character?” 

She looked from Leo to Josh and back to Leo. “Absolutely.” 

Leo grinned for the first time since he’d entered the apartment. “You’re a lucky, man Josh...” 

He looked down at Donna. “I know.” 

“Don’t screw it up,” he said with a little grin as he turned and walked out. 

At that point there were only Josh, Donna and Sarah left in the room. Sarah, who was one step away from crying, was really proud of the way Josh and Donna had handled things. 

“Well, I guess I better go check on my soup,” she commented. “You two going to get out of bed?” 

Josh and Donna grinned at each other. “Eventually.” 

“Okay, well, let me know if you need anything.” 

“Thank you, Sarah,” Donna called as Sarah left the room, closing the door after her so they’d have some privacy. 

Donna lowered the head of the bed somewhat and the two of them laid back and snuggled together. 

“Hey, look at that, we’re finally alone,” Josh finally said. 

“Thank god, I thought they’d never leave,” Donna replied happily. 

Content to just lie there, the two of them were quiet for a few minutes. 

“So do you think I should un-resign?” he finally asked her. 

Donna traced lazy patterns on his shirt with her fingertips. “Well, most of all I think you should do what you want to do, but yes, I think you should un-resign.” 

“Aren’t you worried about us not having enough time together?” he asked. 

“Nope. I think we can do it, Josh, I really do. At the most, the White House is only going to be for 4 more years and it occurs to me that in the past, when you stayed late at work, I stayed late and a lot of that had to do with the fact that neither of us had anyone to go home to, but now...” 

He linked her fingers with his. “...but now that’s all changed.” 

“Right,” she agreed. “Now we have each other to come home to...heck, come home WITH.” 

They both chuckled about that for a moment and then Josh grew quiet. “Donna... promise me that if I start to take you for granted you’ll tell me.” 

“It’s a deal,” she told him. “Now...speaking of resigning, as I recall earlier you said that you might require some reinforcement as to whether or not I liked your resignation e-mail.” 

“Yes, I did say that, didn’t I?” he replied playfully as he pulled her closer. 

“Yes you did, and I think it can be arranged,” she said with a smirk as she moved in to kiss him. 

Her mouth hovered deliciously over his and he could feel her breath caressing his face. “Well, Donnatella, you always could bring the reinforcement.” 

As their lips met, they each felt like they’d come full circle from their days in the ICU. No matter what trials lay in their path, they knew they’d make it through as long as they had each other. 

The emotional and spiritual bonds that they shared had stretched and frayed at times in the days and weeks since the courthouse, but in the end they’d held, and eventually mended themselves into something stronger...purer. Something that had helped them find their way to each other. They were still standing and still together and that’s all that mattered. 

In fact, they were better than ever...and getting better every day. 


	40. Epilogue

 

**Trial by Fire**

**by:** Suzy K. 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna, Sam/Ainsley  
**Category(s):** Angst/Drama/Romance  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.   
**Summary:** Donna goes to jury duty and gets more than she bargained for.  
**Spoiler:** Everything up through “The Two Bartlets” (starts out as a post-ep and veers quickly into AU territory)  
**Written:** 2006-01-03  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my two invaluable betas. My personal version of the Rock of Gibraltar, the ever amazing, Shan and my new beta, the talented and all-around good egg, Joell. I couldn’t do it without you guys! 

* * *

**Epilogue**

Three Months Later 

Morning sunlight streamed in through Josh’s bedroom window and fell across the two of them as they lay in bed. It was a Saturday, the apartment was quiet and they’d both taken great pains to have an uninterrupted weekend together. Sarah had gone back to Florida two weeks earlier, so it was just the two of them. Josh was still asleep, but Donna had been awake for nearly a half hour. Although they usually slept on their sides, spooned tightly together, with Josh pressed against her back, this morning when she’d opened her eyes, they were both still on their sides but Donna had found herself facing him. His arms had still been around her though, as if even in sleep he wanted to keep her close. It was really a wonderful feeling to wake up to. In fact, it was making her body even more urgently crave the things she’d been denying it during the last three months they’d been sleeping together. 

Donna had spent most of the half hour just watching him and trying to resist the urge to touch him as she thought about everything that had happened since the day that the President and Leo had shown up at the apartment. 

Even though Josh had been busy with Sam on the gun legislation, Leo and the President had kept their word about being more flexible with Josh’s time, and Josh in turn had been equally good about coming home as early as humanly possible. Enough so that he was often able to take her to her doctor’s appointments and her physical therapy. He’d been her own cheering section, plus by having him there he was able to learn how to help her with exercises at home. Consequently, he’d been at her therapy session when, using a walker, she’d taken her first tentative steps almost a month to the day after he’d returned home from Atlanta and tried to resign from the White House for a second time. 

Regaining the ability to walk had been an amazing moment for both of them and he’d cried almost as hard as she had when it happened. She’d progressed quickly after that and within three weeks of using the walker, she was able to start walking unaided for short periods of time. Every day since then she’d gotten a little stronger and could walk for longer and longer periods of time. She still tired easily though and had to sit down a lot. 

Her biggest problems were with her left leg. It hadn’t bounced back quite as quickly as her right one. Starting at the top of her left buttock and going halfway down the back of her left thigh, there was a thin strip that still had no feeling. Her fatigue was usually most evident in the severity of a limp caused by her left leg. Outpatient physical therapy was continuing to address that and would continue to be part of her daily routine for at least the next four months. 

Donna had gone back to work at the White House for a short while, but about the time she’d started walking on her own again, she’d gotten a job offer from Casey Reed, an old friend who wanted to hired her as ‘issues director’ for his dot.com company, ‘capitolscoop.com’. 

She and Josh had talked long and hard about whether or not she should take it. Oddly enough she’d put up more of an argument about it than he had. While he still wanted to work with her, he’d pointed out what an amazing opportunity it was for her and that she’d grown beyond the limits of being his assistant. Of course, there was the added benefit of it putting to rest any possible chances that the press or some desperate Ritchie staffer might decide to shine a spotlight on her and Josh’s relationship during the rest of the campaign and the President’s expected second term. Casey was willing to make her hours extremely flexible to work around her therapy and doctor’s appointments and since the job was largely computer and internet based, a great deal of the work could even be done at home on her laptop. 

In the end, Josh had kind of pushed her to do it when she’d felt very unsure about it. She wondered if his reaction would have been the same if they hadn’t been together, she knew for damn sure she would never have taken the job without his support and without him to come home to, or to come home to her, at night. 

When she’d still hesitated to accept it, as a safety net, he’d promised her that if it didn’t work out for her, he would get her another job at the White House. She’d been working at her new job for almost a month and so far she’d been surprised just how much she loved it. Although she missed working with Josh, it felt great to be doing something on her own. Something that she could still share and talk about with Josh. It was like they were on more equal footing professionally, and it gave her a great sense of pride. In many ways they were both working in politics, but coming at it from different angles. 

In celebration of regaining the ability to walk, Josh had surprised her by making arrangements for a 2 week trip to the big island of Hawaii. The only stipulation was that the trip had to wait until the election was over in another 5 months. He couldn’t get two weeks off before then. Between her joy at getting to walk again and the idea of Josh taking her to Hawaii for two whole weeks, Donna had readily agreed. She actually preferred it that way since her physical therapy would be done by then and Casey had already agreed to give her the time off. 

Josh had also taken her on more than one date in the last couple of months, but he hadn’t proposed again. It didn’t bother her one bit though, she had no doubt about him or his feelings for her and she suspected he was waiting for the right time to ask her again. Marriage was really just a formality for them. Actually, not just for them. Sam had actually worked up the nerve to ask Ainsley to marry him and she’d said yes. They too were holding off with their plans until after the election. 

Unable to restrain herself off any longer, Donna’s fingers lightly shifted through Josh’s hair, the soft curls tickling her skin... 

Besides sleeping, cuddling, and good old-fashioned necking, she and Josh had done nothing else in bed, nor had they talked about doing anything else. When he first came back from Atlanta, her body hadn’t been up for anything more and even after Dr. Scott had cleared her for that specific activity about a month ago, she’d still been hesitant. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to make love with Josh, far from it. In fact, more often than not, she would wake up like this with Josh to find her body fairly buzzing with a craving for him, her body itching...yearning for his touch. 

A feeling she seemed to be having in spades this morning.... 

What kept her from acting on those feelings...those needs were the same old fears and insecurities that had been ringing in the back of her head since that night Josh had helped her take a bath. That Josh might be a little repulsed by the scars and the changes in her body since the shooting and the possibility that sex for her would be different, and not in a good way. 

The only thing she didn’t worry quite so much about was her body being overly thin. She no longer looked like an anorexic scarecrow. Between getting to eat a basically regular diet again and all the working out she did in therapy and on her own at home, over the last three months her body had filled in quite nicely. She was still lean, but with the improved muscle tone she had, she looked kind of buff, especially in her upper arms and her legs. 

Donna’s hand moved to brushed softly over the curve of his shoulder and down to feel his bicep. Even through the t-shirt he wore, she could see the ripple of flesh and muscle hiding beneath... 

As for Josh, although he’d been loving and tactile with her, he’d gone out of his way not to take things too far. He hadn’t been with her the day Dr. Scott had given her the okay for sexual activity and she hadn’t told him about it. Even if she had, she suspected he still would have waited until she thought she was ready. She was going to have to make the first move and she hated herself for being so skittish about it. 

‘Of course...’ she thought as her hand trailed down over his chest to the hem of his t-shirt. ‘There are other ways of showing my appreciation for his monk-like behavior that wouldn’t involve us actually having intercourse.’ 

Her hand slipped under his shirt to feel the muscles on his chest and stomach. For someone who sat at a desk most of the time he was in remarkably good shape. As her hand continued to move over his warm skin, she watched his sleeping face and wondered how long she could touch him before he woke up. The thought of touching him...of pleasuring him, gave her a dark thrill and did nothing to ease the hunger in her own body. 

Slowly, teasingly, her hand traveled downward until it slipped into the waistband of his boxers. He already felt semi-hard in her hand. After sleeping with him for the last three months, she knew that he often woke up that way. At first he’d been a little embarrassed about it, but Donna had made it clear it hadn’t bothered her one bit and so it had quickly just become part of the experience of them sharing a bed. Wickedly, she wondered how much and how long it would take to get him from semi- to fully-hard. She jumped slightly when Josh suddenly opened one eye and stared at her. 

“Donna...? You do know that you’re touching me inappropriately right now, don’t you?” 

Feeling like she’d been caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar, she stilled her touch on his body, but didn’t remove her hand. His voice had been low and rough from sleep. Between it, and the feeling of his cock in her hand, her body fairly hummed with the tension of pent up sexual desire. 

“I, um...” she had to swallow and clear her throat softly before she could speak. “I hope you’d noticed.” 

He opened both eyes now and watched her for a moment. “I noticed when you started running your fingers through my hair.” 

She blinked in surprise. “You’ve been awake since then?” 

“No, I was awake before that,” he replied. 

“You were?” 

“Yeah, I couldn’t go back to sleep with you thinking so loud,” he teased. 

“But your eyes were closed,” she commented with a frown. “And you didn’t move when I touched...you.” 

“I didn’t need to open my eyes, I could feel you watching me. Besides, when you’re awake your breathing changes.” He paused. “I know that because I’ve laid awake at night and watched you sleep,” he said softly. 

“Ohhh,” she said a little breathlessly. 

“And believe me when I say that remaining still when you were touching me like you were...like you ARE touching me right now is not an easy thing,” he told her a bit tightly. Even with her hand not moving, the heat of it wrapped around his cock was making him even harder. 

“Speaking of which...” he began as he shifted his gaze down between their bodies to look at her hand where it disappeared into his boxers. 

‘Wow, that image was really hot,’ he thought. 

“...not that I’m complaining mind you, but why exactly is your hand where it is?” he asked her. 

She really was feeling wicked. “Well...” she said softly as her hand began to move again. “I just wanted to touch you. I haven’t touched you, like this, before.” 

He didn’t even try to stifle his reaction to what she was doing. “No, you haven’t,” he said pressing himself against her hand and making a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a groan. “I definitely would have remembered that.” 

Simply reveling in the feeling of her languidly stroking him, he laid there for a moment. He’d wanted this with her, dreamt of her touching him like this, of getting to touch her for as long as he could remember, and sleeping with her for the last three months had been an enormous test of his self-control. He’d been waiting for some sign from her that she was ready for something more than just sleeping and kissing. Her hand wrapped around his cock seemed like a pretty clear indicator. 

Reaching out his hand traveled up her thigh to her hip. There were lots of ways he hadn’t touched her either and there was no time like the present to get started. Although she still had to wear her brace to bed, he knew she also still didn’t wear any underwear under his dress shirt that she’d continued to wear as a nightshirt. The thought of all the skin that was well within this reach made his fingers itch in anticipation. 

He was a little surprised when Donna’s free hand laid itself over his and stopped him from touching her like he wanted too. “No, Josh, you don’t have to.” 

Through the haze of what her busy hand was doing, Josh stared at her for a moment and noticed that rather than meeting his gaze, she was looking somewhere down near his chin. “Donna? What’s going on?” 

“I...nothing...just let me touch you.” This time he heard something timid in her voice and she still didn’t meet his gaze. 

Josh gently took hold of her wrist and stilled her hand. “Donna...” he said tenderly. “Look at me.” 

It took her a moment, but she finally did as he asked. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly. 

“Don’t you like me touching you?” she asked quietly. If she couldn’t even do that right then she was afraid that she didn’t have a lot left to offer him. 

Huh? Who knew you could have sexual misdirection? 

“Donna...” he chided gently. “I think it’s pretty evident from how hard I am right now how much I like it.” He took a breath. “Now why can’t I touch you?” 

His question seemed to set off something in her because she began to blink quickly and tears welled in her eyes. “You don’t have to worry about me.” Her voice trembled slightly when she said it. 

“I like worrying about you,” he said with a soft smile. “But in this case I’m not worried, I just want to touch you.” He paused. “Actually what I really want is to make love to you.” 

His words seemed to make her tears spill over. “I’m not sure you can,” she said in quiet despair as two large tears trailed down her face. 

Something was clearly bothering her. Gently, he pulled her hand out of his boxers and intertwined his fingers with hers. It was much easier to think without her hand down there. “Is it because Dr. Scott said it’s too soon? That it might hurt you?” 

“No, he said it was all right.” 

“Then why...” He suddenly remembered some things she’d said to him in the ICU when she’d thought he was Stanley. “Donna...is this...when you were in the ICU for your infection you said that you were worried you might not feel me make love to you. Is that what you’re worried about?” 

“I told you that too?” she said, embarrassed beyond measure. 

He didn’t shy away from the topic. “Yes, you did.” 

Things started tumbling out then. “Dr. Scott said there might be lingering nerve damage. Some level of sexual dysfunction is not uncommon among people with my kind of spinal injury. You know there’s that strip on my left leg that I still can’t feel.” 

“Yeah, I know,” he said understandingly. 

“Well, I might not have all the feeling in my...girly parts,” she said, still a little tearful. “And even if I do have feeling, I might not be able to...” She swallowed. “...have an orgasm.” 

“Haven’t you, I don’t know...touched yourself to see?” Okay, that was the wrong image to have in his head right then. Any thoughts of Donna touching herself were not helping him think any clearer. 

“No,” she said as more tears began. “I’ve been too scared of what I might...or might not find.” 

He brushed a strand of hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Don’t you think it’s time we found out if there’s anything to be scared of?” 

Staring into his eyes she saw reassurance and patience there. She really did want him to touch her. “Yes,” she said. “But...” her voice trailed off. 

“But?” he prompted. 

“But my body is not what you might call ‘model perfect’.” 

“Donna...” he chided. “We both have scars. You know I don’t care about that.” 

“I know,” she said, rubbing at the edge of the sheet. “Well, at least I’m not so thin anymore. Your mother’s cooking and all my therapy helped take care of that.” 

“I’m aware of that. I take you to therapy, remember? I’ve seen you in nothing but a leotard.” He ran a finger across the skin exposed in the open ‘V’ of the shirt she was wearing. “You look better than most models.” 

Donna snorted at that. “I wouldn’t go that far.” 

“Well, I would,” he replied softly...honestly. In her eyes he could still see worry and uncertainty lurking there. It occurred to him that she just wasn’t up for this yet. No that she never would be, but just not yet. “Donna, if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. It’s okay. We can wait until you are.” 

“But that’s just it, I am ready!” she told him in exasperation. “In fact, when I’m this close to you it feels like I’m coming out of my skin for being ready.” 

He couldn’t help but grin at that. “Donna, are you trying to tell me that being this close to me make you feel...horny?” 

“Oh, God yes,” she blurted in frustration. “Which is why, I don’t know why I’m making excuses.” 

His grin got wider and sprouted dimples. “Sit up so I can take your shirt and your brace off.” 

“But with them on you wouldn’t have to see...would could still...they would hide...” 

“I don’t want you to hide anything.” He let out a breath. “No more excuses, Donna...I want to see you and touch you...all of you.” 

“You have to take off YOUR shirt first,” she told him. 

Without hesitation he peeled it off and tossed it over near the hamper. “Okay. Now you have to take off yours....unless you’d like me to do it for you,” he said hopefully. He loved the idea of getting her out of his shirt. 

Rather than responding to his remark or moving to take off her shirt, she was mesmerized by the sight of him. She ran her hand over the lean plains of his chest and traced her finger over the scar that bisected it. “God, you look amazing.” Her eyes moved from his chest to his face. “No more wearing a t-shirt to bed,” she commented. “At least not when it’s just the two of us.” 

“Why don’t we just make a deal that when it’s just the two of us, neither of us wears anything to bed since I have a feeling we won’t be needing clothes once we get horizontal,” Josh said with a little leer. 

She frowned a little. “I do have to wear my brace most of the time though,” she pointed out. “At least for the next few months.” 

“True, we’ll make an exception for the brace. But we can take it off when we make love and put it back on after,” he replied. “Now make with the shirt removing.” 

But Donna had gone back to staring at his scar. Except for the fact that it was keeping things from progressing, her frank and continued appraisal didn’t bother him in the least. He did, however, wonder what she was thinking. To his surprise, after a moment, a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. It wasn’t a smile like she was amused or found something funny, he’d describe it more as a happy smile. 

“What are you smiling about?” he asked softly. 

She looked up at him again. This time the uncertainty he’d seen before was gone and it was replaced again, by what he would best be described as...happiness. Her next question took him completely off guard. 

“Josh, have you ever read the Harry Potter books?” 

“Ah...” He frowned. “No. What does that have to do...?” 

She jumped in to explain. “See Harry has a rather distinctive scar on his forehead, one shaped like a lightening bolt. He got it when he was just a baby and a very powerful and evil wizard came and killed his parents and then tried to kill him.” She paused and looked back down at his scar. 

“Okay...but I still don’t see...” Josh began. 

“Because he survived the attack, everyone started calling him ‘Harry Potter, the boy who lived’.” Her gaze met his again. “That’s like you and me, we’re the boy and girl who lived, even though something evil tried to kill us.” 

Josh felt his heart constrict in his chest. “But we showed them, didn’t we?” 

She nodded. “That’s why I was smiling. It made me realize that having scars can be a badge of honor of sorts and that I’m alive, so maybe it’s time I started living again.” With that, she sat up and slowly began to unbutton her shirt. 

Josh watched her mutely because there were no words for what he felt for her right then. 

Sliding it off her shoulders, Donna handed the shirt to him and he threw it in the direction of his t-shirt. She was now left only wearing the brace that resembled a rigid white plastic tank top. 

“I know you can do it by yourself, but can I take it off?” he asked gently. 

Donna was silently glad she’d taken a bath last night and shaved her underarms and her legs. She nodded and he reached around her to pull open the Velcro straps that held it together. Then he carefully lifted it over her head and set it down on the floor by the bed. Turning back to her, he found her still sitting up staring down at the scars on her torso. 

He rested his chin on her shoulder. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” she said, looking up at him. “Actually, all things considered, they look better than I remember. I haven’t really made myself look at them since...well, that night you came home and helped me take a bath. They don’t look quite so...angry.” She paused. “I’ve never seen the one on my back. I could have looked in a mirror, but I could never bring myself to do it. Is it...as big as I’ve heard?” 

Laying his hand comfortingly on her shoulder he leaned back to study it. “Yeah, it’s about as big and as long as the scar on my chest...but it’s much finer and more delicate.” He traced his finger down over it and felt her shiver. “Did that hurt?” 

“No, I guess it just...tickled a bit,” she told him. 

“Ah, a ticklish spot, good information to have,” he chuckled. Leaning forward, he gently pressed his lips to the top, middle and bottom of the scar. This time it was more of a tremble than a shiver that went through her. “Did that tickle again?” 

“No,” she replied softly. “I just really like the feeling of your lips against my skin.” 

“Yeah?” he said brushing his lips over her shoulder blade and up to her neck. “How’s this?” 

“I like that too,” she whispered. 

Kicking the sheets and blankets off of them, together they laid back down on the bed and he seemed to take great delight in discovering areas of her body that had been largely hidden until then. His hands and his mouth roamed her torso. They paid special attention to the scars on her stomach and her abdomen. After being hidden under clothing and braces and blankets for so long, her skin was more sensitive than she expected and everywhere he touched seemed to spark with life. 

When he pulled the tip of her breast into his mouth she arched up to him like a flower to the sun. It also sent a twinge through her back. “Ow,” she said softly. 

He instantly stopped. “What? Did I hurt you?” 

“I think I just arched my back a little too much...” she tried to explain. “What you were doing felt so good...I forgot.” 

Taking her words as a huge compliment, he touched his fingers to her cheek. “Are you okay now? It doesn’t still hurt or anything does it?” 

“No, I guess I’m just not as flexible as I was,” she replied. 

“Can I do anything to make you more comfortable?” he asked. 

“I think a pillow supporting my back might help,” she told him. 

With a nod, he tugged her into a sitting position and then pulled two of their pillows down to support her lower back. Gently, he laid her down on them. With less support under her shoulders and more under her middle and lower back, her body made a graceful arc all on its own and she didn’t have to strain. It also lifted her breasts enticingly into the air and with her hips at the new angle he was interested to see what would happen when he moved things southward. 

“Shall we try again?” he asked, she nodded. “Now, just relax,” he said as he lowered his lips to her breast and nibbled on it gently before taking the tip into his mouth again. One of his very talented hands was busy teasing and massaging her other breast so it wouldn’t feel neglected. 

The double assault of his hand and mouth on her breasts was amazing. Feeling rolled through her, rich and strong, and settled deep in her belly. It only added to the tingling ache in her center. So far, his fingers had teased the curls at the apex of her thighs, but had gone no farther. It made her burn for him even more. 

“Josh, please...” 

He knew what she wanted, but he wanted her to voice it. “Tell, me what you want, Donna.” 

“Touch me,” she said simply. 

His lips buzzed over her breast. “I believe I already am,” he teased. Without raising his head from her breast he tried to help her along. “Where would you like me to touch you?” 

The vibration of his words against her breast went right through her. “Down...there,” she swallowed. Lord, he had a talented mouth. 760 verbal had nothing on what he was doing right now. 

His lips continued to move over her breast. “Do you want me touch your pussy, Donna?” he prompted wickedly. 

She didn’t usually like that word but the way he said it and the context he’d said it in, had her ready to beg him to say it again. His hand had moved near the promised land, but still refused to enter it. The way her clit was tingling in anticipation, she was beginning to think the nerve damage worry might have been unnecessary. “Yes, please Josh, touch me there.” 

“You have to say, it Donna,” he told her as he continued the leisurely assault on her breasts and kept his fingers teasing the curls at the apex of her perfect, creamy white, thighs. 

She heard herself whimper. “Touch my pussy, Josh, please,” she begged. 

He smiled against her breast. “Now see, was that so hard?” he asked as his fingers slid in to slowly stroke her clit. His whole body tightened almost painfully when his fingers found her warm and wet for him. 

“Oh, God Josh, I can feel that,” she said with stunned, happy tears gathering in her eyes. “I can really feel you touching me.” 

Relieved and happy that things were going well, Josh lifted his head to watch the pleasure on her face. “Close your eyes, Donna. Just feel what I’m doing.” 

Although she hadn’t had an orgasm yet, she could have just felt this with him and been perfectly happy, of course, she was starting to think the other thing wasn’t going to be a problem either. Her lingering fears evaporated completely. 

Closing her eyes, the feeling and the reality of what he was doing to her made her voice drop a few octaves. “I...Josh...that feels...I’ve never felt it before...not like this...” 

“Can you come for me, Donna?” he whispered. 

Cursing colorfully, she bit her lip. “Hard to stop it now...so good...so close.” Her breath was coming in gasps now. 

Watching her had made his own erection rock hard with wanting her, his own body screaming to bury itself inside her, but he kept his focus on her. They had time, all the time in the world now... 

“I want to feel you come. I want it so much.” he said softly. 

“I want...that, too,” she ground out. “Put your fingers inside me, Josh, and feel me...” any further words or coherent sentences fled from her brain as sensation gathered in her body for a final assault. Grabbing a handful of the tangled sheets, she tried to hold on for him. 

Shifting his hand, he slid two fingers inside her. While they stroked her intimately, his thumb worked rhythmically at her clit. “Now, Donna,” he whispered. “Show me.” 

The words were basically unnecessary. As they were coming out of his mouth, every nerve and synapse in her body had begun firing at once, overloading in a cascading rush of feeling that only left her with the ability to chant his name. 

Josh couldn’t speak. The sight of her and the feeling of her body clenching tightly around his fingers, quite simply robbed him of speech. He slowed and lightened his touch on her body as she came down and relaxed back into the bed. 

Leaning in, he tenderly kissed the scar from her bullet wound. “You okay?” he asked gently. 

“Except for feeling like I’ve just run a marathon?” she asked with a breathy smile. “I’m fine,” she answered. “I think the pillow helped.” She watched as he continued to plant little kisses across her stomach. “By the way, Josh, what just happened...that...when I...” 

He grinned at her inability to properly describe what had just transpired. “Yeah?” 

“That was...wow, I mean, I’ve had others, but not...God, not even close to that,” she tried to explain. “It was like comparing apples and...rocks.” She couldn’t seem to wipe the goofy grin off her face. 

His dimples jumped out at her unusual analogy as he moved to stretch out next to her. “Does that make me apples or rocks?” he asked propping himself up on one elbow to look at her. 

The goofy grin changed to a sexy one. “Well, earlier I was under the impression that you were more of the rock variety.” Her hand slid down into his boxers and wrapped around him again. He was so much harder than before. It thrilled her to know that it was because of her. “Yes, definitely rock...rock hard anyway.” 

“God...” he muttered as he buried his face against her shoulder. Her touch had been powerful and incredible before, but now it was just...overwhelming and if he didn’t stop her soon he’d come in her hand. Not an unpleasant idea, but the first time he came with her, he wanted to be inside her. 

Donna decided to have some fun. If he could tease her with the dirty talk, so could she. With his head against her shoulder she could lean and whisper in his ear. “You like feeling my hand around your cock, Josh?” Her thumb brushed over the head and she was thrilled to feel the drop of wetness there. 

“Yeah, oh, yeah,” he said with a groan as he pressed himself against her hand. 

With her lips still near his ear she continued to torment him with her words and her hand. “I could lick my hand so it would be slick...” He groaned again. “Or better yet, I could run my hand over my...pussy...” She drew the word out. “Just think how slick and wet my hand would be.” 

He whimpered that time. 

“Then I could wrap my hand around that big...impressive cock of yours and pump you until I made you come as hard as you made me come.” She ran her hand through his hair. “Then again, maybe you’d rather just feel your cock buried...deep and to the hilt inside me.” 

His voice was shaky when he spoke. “God, Donna...all you have to do is...is keep talking like that.” 

She smiled sinfully. “See, I can bring the dirty talk, too.” 

“You are...the dirty talk...queen,” he groaned. “And I want...” It was really hard for him to form sentences with her hand stroking him. 

“Tell me what you want, Josh,” she said. “You have to tell me, remember?” 

“I want to...Lord, you have magic hands, Donna,” he muttered as he looked up at her. “I want to bury myself...deep inside you.” 

She grinned at him and slid her hand slowly away from him. “I was hoping you’d pick that choice.” 

Although he missed her touch instantly he grinned. “Yeah?” 

She nodded. “I want to feel you, all of you, inside me.” Leaning over she kissed him hard and deep. “So get those boxers off and get on top of me.” 

“You’re quite the romantic there, Donnatella,” he said as he stripped them off. It was much easier to bring the banter when she didn’t have her hand down his boxers. 

“I haven’t had sex in a long time, Josh.” 

“Neither have I,” he pointed out. 

“Point taken,” she agreed. “There will be time for romance later, but we’re doing this now.” 

He stretched out next to her again. “Thank, God.” Dipping his head he captured her mouth in a long, heated kiss. “Wait...” he said pulling back to look at her. 

“What?” she asked with a frown. 

“As I recall, you’re not on the pill anymore and I don’t think I have any condoms.” He didn’t want to say he’d used the last two he had with Amy during the Tahitian nights thing. 

Her face split into a huge grin. “Check the top drawer of the nightstand.” 

With raised eyebrows he pulled open the drawer and found a new, unopened box of condoms. “You bought condoms?” 

She continued to grin. “Nothing says lovin’ like a fresh box of condoms.” 

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “But when we woke up this morning you didn’t want to have sex.” 

“Well, actually I did, but I was just a little scared because of the nerve damage and the scars and stuff.” She paused and gave him a sexy little pout. “Besides, I like to be prepared.” 

The pout made him smirk. “Ah-kay.” 

“So, if you’re ready...” she began as her eyes went down to stare as his very magnificent erection. “...can I help you suit up?” 

Opening the box, he pulled a packet out, stared at it for a minute and then looked at her. “I know that you’re body’s not up to it right now, but if that wasn’t a factor, you know I wouldn’t care if you got pregnant, right? In fact, I’d be thrilled.” 

It was an incredibly sweet thing to say and it took her a moment to find the voice to speak. “I know. I feel the same way,” she told him honestly. “You know, Dr. Scott said it might also be hard for me to get pregnant.” 

“Yeah,” he said. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll love you even if we never have kids.” 

She considered his words. “But you know...if I did get pregnant now when my body’s not quite at full capacity, I’d go through anything I needed to have your child.” 

“I know,” he replied softly. Touched by her words, he looked back down at the foil packet again then handed it to her. “But I think we can both agree it’s not quite the right time.” 

“We have lots of time, Josh.” Gently, she covered his hand and the packet in both of hers. 

Leaving the foil packet in her hand, he slid his hand from hers, set the box on the nightstand and laid back down next to her. He laid his hand on her cheek. 

“Let me love you...let me ‘make’ love to you,” he whispered. 

“I’d like that,” she replied softly. Tearing open the packet, she silently rolled the condom on him and settled herself back on the bed. 

He brushed some hair back from her face. “Are you going to be comfortable like that?” 

“I think so, the pillows supporting my back should help,” she said quietly. 

“We’ll take things slow, okay?” he whispered. “If anything hurts, just say so.” 

“Okay, I will,” she with a nod. “Josh...” 

“Yeah?” 

She ran her hand over his cheek. “I trust you.” 

He took her hand in his and kissed her palm tenderly. This woman never ceased to humble him. 

>From that point on, most conversation ceased between them. No more teasing or playful ‘dirty talk.’ They had progressed to soft sighs and gentle whispers. Donna pulled him close as he eased himself over her. Propping himself up on his elbows, Josh made sure to take some of his weight off of her. 

Trying to be as careful as possible, Josh slid slowly into her. He held her gaze to watch for any signs of discomfort, but there was none. There was only the sound of her sighs, and the feeling of her body wrapping tightly, blissfully around him. He could only imagine what she would have felt like without the condom. Once he was buried all the way inside her, he held himself still so she could get used to the feel of him. 

Donna slid her legs up around his waist and smiled to let him know she was okay. Better than okay actually, he felt amazing inside her and it only got better when he began to move with slow and shallow thrusts. With the pillows under her back, she was in just the right position for him to rub against her clit as he moved over her. 

Her arms went around him and she trailed her fingers over his back. “Oh, Josh,” she sighed. “Faster...please move faster,” she begged. 

“I don’t...want to...hurt you,” he gasped. He wasn’t going to last much longer. She felt too incredible wrapped around him. 

“It’s okay, I won’t break,” she promised with a whisper. 

Still watching her for signs that anything was wrong and being conscious of how hard he was thrusting against her, Josh adjusted his angle to rub even more against her and he sped up his tempo a bit. 

“Yes, God, Josh, just like that,” she whimpered. 

The orgasm gathered in her again, but this time it was different...deeper somehow. The first one had been like fireworks...power and spark and almost overwhelming in its beauty. This one was like candlelight...mesmerizing, rich, illuminating, and something more permanent that would last through the longest, darkest night. 

Josh watched her face as the pleasure spread through her, felt her legs tighten around him, heard her call his name, and knew this was now going to be his favorite place to be. In this moment...with her. 

Plunging himself deep inside her, he was coming too, and the only thing he knew was the pleasure that burst through him like liquid fire. Dimly he heard someone call Donna’s name and realized it was him. 

Both of them collapsed in a tired, satiated, slightly sweaty pile. Their breathing was fast and harsh in the otherwise silent room. 

“Oh, God, sorry,” Josh finally said when he realized he’d basically collapsed on top of her and started to move off of her. To his surprise, he felt her arms tighten around him. 

“Stay,” she said, still a little breathless from their exertions. 

Tenderly, he brushed the hair away from her face. “I don’t want to squish you,” he replied. “And I have to take care of the condom.” 

“You’re not squishing me,” she sighed. “But okay about the condom.” She gave him a little pout and let her arms slide off of him. 

Reluctantly, he pulled out of her and shuffled into the bathroom where he disposed of the condom and came back to climb into bed with her. Pulling her close, he stroked his fingers through her hair as she drew lazy patterns on his bare chest. 

“I’ll go to the doctor and go back on the Pill as soon as I can, Josh.” 

“We could just stay with the condoms if it would be easier,” he offered. 

“Could get expensive, don’t you think?” she asked with a little smile. 

“Sounds like you’re planning on having a lot of sex there, Donnatella,” he smirked. 

“Why, yes, yes, I am,” she grinned then sobered a bit. “I want to go back on the Pill, Josh. I want to feel you come inside me, I want to have the option to keep you inside me afterwards and not worry about getting rid of the condom, and most of all I want us to make love to each other with nothing between us.” 

Amazed, Josh could feel himself getting hard again. “I’d like that too.” They were both quiet for a few minutes, reveling in the feeling of their bodies tangled together. “I guess we should put your brace back on,” he said gently. 

She sighed. “Yeah, I guess we should,” she said as he leaned over the edge of the bed to retrieve it. “Have I mentioned how much I hate this thing?” 

“Well, no, you didn’t actually tell me that,” he said as her helped her put it back on. “But I kind of figured that you did. I’d hate it too.” Once she was strapped back into it, the two of them laid back on the bed and held onto each other. “So I guess we can check off any worries about nerve damage,” he said. 

“Yeah,” she chuckled “I guess so.” She was quiet for a moment. “Josh, I just want you to know...you are the best I’ve ever had. No one has ever made me feel like you do...no one even comes close.” 

Turning his head and hugging her tightly, he kissed her forehead. “I feel the exactly the same way about you, Donna. I’m sorry it took 4 years and both of us almost dying to get here.” 

“Well, maybe we needed all the bad to really appreciate the good,” she snuggled against him. “Besides, I’m looking forward to making up for lost time.” 

Josh chuckled. “Me too, Donnatella. Me too.” 

********** 

**5 Years Later**

Donna plopped down on the couch and surveyed the living room. In spite of the fact that they’d just had a housewarming party, it was remarkably clean. Thank God, Margaret, Sam and Ainsley had stayed to help clean up. 

Donna still couldn’t quite believe that they lived in this house. She kept waiting for someone to show up and say, sorry your mortgage loan was denied and you have to get out. Of course, no one had showed up and they had been making mortgage payments for almost three months. 

Glancing down at the coffee table, she smiled and picked up the thick book they’d gotten from Sam and Ainsley as a housewarming present. She couldn’t believe that they’d put it together for them. Flipping it open she looked through it. 

It was filled with snapshots of her and Josh’s wedding in Hawaii. A wedding that had only involved Josh, Donna, a justice of the peace and his wife who acted as a witness. It had happened when Josh had taken her to Hawaii literally days after the President had won re-election by a near landslide. She smiled as she remembered. 

They’d stayed at the Mauna Lani Resort at Kalahuipua’a on the big island of Hawaii. Josh had booked them a luxurious bungalow right on the beach. It had been outrageously expensive, but with Donna making almost as much as he was with her job at Capitolscoop.com and his own secure financial standing, they could afford it. 

It was an amazing two weeks. No phones, no work, no computers...just each other. Walking on the beach, snorkeling, exploring the island, lying in the sun, making love in the middle of the day or the middle of the night or anytime in between. 

And then there was the wedding. Josh had proposed after dinner on their first night there. Since they’d had many more than the required “first dates” and Donna wasn’t, you know, stupid, she immediately said yes as he’d slipped the ring on her finger. 

At first they’d thought about having a summer wedding in D.C., but neither of them wanted to wait that long. By then they both felt like they’d waited too long already. Plus they worried that as soon as they got back to home they’d both be swallowed up by life and work, making it that much harder to arrange a wedding. 

When Josh had suggested they get married on the beach near their bungalow, it had felt perfect to both of them. Although they knew they’d have hell to pay from Josh’s mother and their friends...it was pretty much a given that her parents would have cared less...they went ahead with the preparations. 

Donna, with her keen sense of organization, had quickly found someone to rush through their blood tests, got the license, found a small jewelry store in town where they picked out their wedding bands, and discovered that the hotel had a justice of the peace on staff that they would lend out...for a nominal fee, of course. 

At sunset, one week after he’d proposed to her, they’d stood barefoot on the beach near the waters edge and exchanged simple vows. Josh had worn white pants with the legs rolled up once to keep the sand off and a plain white dress shirt open at the throat and the sleeves rolled up. Donna had worn a simple white tank style bathing suit with a sheer white sarong tied at one hip and white island flowers in her hair. After the wedding, they’d gone back to the bungalow and shared a sumptuous dinner, danced a little on their private patio, then they’d made love for the first time as man and wife. 

It had been simple and perfect and even though they did indeed take grief from everyone when they’d gotten home, they would have done it all over again. 

The pictures Sam and Ainsley had included in the album had been pictures taken with Donna’s digital camera by the wife of the Justice of the Peace who married them. Although Donna had the best picture of all, one of them holding hands with the setting sun behind them, professionally printed for their official wedding picture, she’d e-mailed the others, both wedding and their general trip pictures to anyone who expressed an interest. It appeared that Sam and Ainsley had those other pictures also professionally printed and mounted in the memory book she held in her hands. It was really a very precious present to Donna. 

‘So many happy times,’ she thought as she closed the book and looked around the living room of their new house. ‘So many happy times to come.’ 

Looking up, she smiled as the two reasons she suspected there were many happy times to come walked into the room. Josh and their 6-month old son, AJ. 

Andrew Joseph Lyman, or ‘AJ’ as they usually called him, had been born just after the end of President Bartlet’s second term. She and Josh had actually hoped it would work out that way. She’d stopped taking her birth control pills during President’s Bartlet’s last year in office and had, much to their surprise, had no trouble getting pregnant and except for in the last trimester when her back began bothering her more than usual, and her legs tired quickly, she had a very normal pregnancy. 

He was also the main reason why they’d needed to move to a bigger place. As soon as Josh found out that Donna was pregnant he’d insisted they find a house. He knew, and Donna had agreed that they were going to quickly run out of room in Josh’s apartment and they both wanted their kids to have a back yard to play in. 

Because Josh was basically going to be out of a job, he’d volunteered, first to take care of Donna during the remainder of her pregnancy and then to be Mr. Mom for AJ. He was an amazing father and he doted on AJ. 

Not that Donna wasn’t there just about all the time, too. Although she still worked as Issues Director at Capitolscoop.com, her time was extremely flexible and she did most of her work from home. She really only had to go in one day a week and even that was often a half day. Everything else was usually done by conference call, e-mail or internet. 

“Hey, someone missed you...well actually we both missed you,” Josh said as he stopped and leaned over to give her a kiss. 

“You just went to walk Sam and Ainsley out to the car. You two were gone all of 10 minutes,” she commented with a grin as she set aside the book and took the baby from him and nibbled lightly on AJ’s cheek, making him gurgle happily. 

“Yeah, well, you know how needy we Lyman men are,” he said with a smirk. “Actually I think he’s hungry.” 

She glanced at her watch. “Yeah, he probably is.” Laying him in her lap, AJ promptly tried to stuff his foot into his mouth. “Ah, to be that flexible,” she said with a laugh as she unbuttoned her blouse and unsnapped the right side of her nursing bra. 

“Tell me about it,” he said as he watched her cradle their son to her breast. It was an image he never got tired of. It was so...intimate. That special mother-child bond. To be part of it, he shifted closer to her and he put his arm around her shoulders. She laid her head on his shoulder contentedly. 

“Tired?” he asked as he ran a hand over AJ’s head. He already had Josh’s adorable, but unruly brown curls. 

She sighed softly, “A little. I’m just glad that Margaret and Sam and Ainsley stayed to help clean up.” She looked up at him. “Did they get the twins all packed up?” 

“Yeah, and I thought AJ traveled with a lot of stuff. They’ve got everything times two,” he chuckled, referring to Sam and Ainsley’s 2-year old twin girls named Beth and Rose. 

“I still can’t believe Sam is going to be a third term Congressman,” Donna commented. 

Long about the time that the President had been re-elected, Sam had been roped into running for Congress in California. He and Ainsley had been engaged but not married and Ainsley had been furious that he’d said he would run without at least discussing it with her first. But when he explained that not only was he more surprised than anyone when Will Bailey had managed to get the late Horton Wilde elected, but there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that Sam would win in the run off election she’d forgiven him. 

They got married and by the time Sam had staged the upset of the century and beaten the incumbent Republican for the Congressional seat, there wasn’t much she could say. However, all in all they’d been very happy, no more so than after the birth of their daughters. Although they did have a house in California, most of the time they were at their modest, but beautiful home here right there in D.C. 

“I know,” Josh commented. “Who would have thought that when he and I were attempting to burn down the White House and making midnight visits to call girls that one of us would someday be a congressman?” They laughed about that for a few minutes. 

“I’m sorry that everyone else couldn’t be here,” She commented gently, knowing he’d missed seeing them. 

CJ had moved back to California to teach at Berkeley where she’d met another professor, fallen in love and gotten married the year before. She was also 8 months pregnant and couldn’t fly. Toby, who’d semi-retired and moved back to New York, was working at the New York Times as a political analyst. He’d had a prior commitment this weekend and couldn’t come. Leo was living in Philadelphia with Mallory, her husband and their two children. Not long after he’d moved there, he’d had a massive heart attack. It was touch and go for a while after his triple bypass surgery, but it appeared he was going to pull through. He definitely wasn’t up for traveling though. As for the Bartlets, they were back in New Hampshire at the farm. The President’s MS had dogged him through most of his last year in office and he wasn’t really up to traveling either. 

Josh shrugged. “Life goes on and I know it’s hard when time and distance separate you.” He smiled and kissed her gently on the lips. “Besides, anyone who’s anyone is right here in the room with me.” 

“You know, speaking of that,” she began as she switched AJ to her other breast. “I was thinking.” 

“Should I be scared?” he teased. 

“Ha, ha. No, I’m serious,” she told him. “I was thinking that it might be nice if we added another member to our family.” 

He grinned. “What you mean like a dog?” 

She ran her hand lovingly over AJ’s head. “No, I was thinking more like a brother or sister for AJ.” 

“Really?” he blinked at her. “Wait...are you telling me that you’re...you’re...?” 

“No, Josh I’m not pregnant, not at least as far as I know,” she told him gently. “But I wouldn’t be adverse to you getting me that way,” she told him with a little smirk as she looked down to watch AJ again. “As you know it’s harder to get pregnant when I’m breast feeding, but I was planning on weaning AJ soon anyway.” She looked up at him. “And we did talk about having 2 or 3 kids. I’d kind of like to have them fairly close together.” 

He gave her a dimpled grin. “You know what that means, don’t you?” 

“Practice?” she guessed with a grin. 

“Lots and lots and...LOTS of practice,” he told her. 

The sound of their laughter...the sound of a happy life...floated through room and wound its spell around them, binding them with ties of love, friendship and fidelity that were as invisible as the wind and as unbreakable as the human spirit. 

The End. 


End file.
